Bridesmaid Decline

flantastic · March 2015

lovemesomemonster said:
I do agree that it is hassle to be in a wedding party, there is a lot of responsibility even if we all say "just show up in the dress". But by saying to a friend "well I'm at a different place in my life and have been in enough weddings" it's basically telling her "should have jumped on the wedding train earlier, I have moved on". I just can't wrap my mind around saying to a friend, that yeah, all of the other weddings I was in were worth the hassle, but now that I'm beyond that yours isn't. I can understand things like financial reasons, you're in labor and/or just had a baby, or a death in the family making it impossible to be in a wedding but the mentality of "I've done enough of them" is something I can't get on board with.

Sorry OP, not trying to hijack the thread!

To the bolded - It's not, though. I imagine I would feel the same way if my wedding had not happened and I had no idea if it ever would be. It's a pain in the ass at any time - I just hadn't gotten to experience it yet. These are my first two weddings that I've been a WP member in, and I'm over it.

That said, I'm doing it for said friends, even though I suspect it will be more of a pain in the ass for me to do for them than it was for them to do for me. I just think it's silly to measure a friendship by how much (truly unnecessary) shit you're willing to go through for a friend. Law school? On it with care packages. Scary diagnosis? On it. "I need you to buy a specific dress to wear and come to this city way OOT a day earlier than everyone else?" Not actually necessary.

lovemesomemonster · March 2015

flantastic said:
I do agree that it is hassle to be in a wedding party, there is a lot of responsibility even if we all say "just show up in the dress". But by saying to a friend "well I'm at a different place in my life and have been in enough weddings" it's basically telling her "should have jumped on the wedding train earlier, I have moved on". I just can't wrap my mind around saying to a friend, that yeah, all of the other weddings I was in were worth the hassle, but now that I'm beyond that yours isn't. I can understand things like financial reasons, you're in labor and/or just had a baby, or a death in the family making it impossible to be in a wedding but the mentality of "I've done enough of them" is something I can't get on board with.

Sorry OP, not trying to hijack the thread!

To the bolded - It's not, though. I imagine I would feel the same way if my wedding had not happened and I had no idea if it ever would be. It's a pain in the ass at any time - I just hadn't gotten to experience it yet. These are my first two weddings that I've been a WP member in, and I'm over it.

That said, I'm doing it for said friends, even though I suspect it will be more of a pain in the ass for me to do for them than it was for them to do for me. I just think it's silly to measure a friendship by how much (truly unnecessary) shit you're willing to go through for a friend. Law school? On it with care packages. Scary diagnosis? On it. "I need you to buy a specific dress to wear and come to this city way OOT a day earlier than everyone else?" Not actually necessary.

This would fall under a FINANCIAL reason why you would not want to be part of the wedding party.. all I was saying is unless it is an acquaintance trying to fill their wedding party, I would never not agree to be in a very close friend's wedding because I was "over being in weddings", that was the point I was trying to make. And go ahead and call me sensitive but yes, I would be a bit slighted if a close friend didn't want to be in my wedding because she had been in other weddings, mine just happened to fall last on the calendar. I would think if you were close enough you would "suck it up" and do it one more time for that close friend.

I am also in no way saying I measure friendship based on one day, I just feel lucky to be surrounded by the friends I have after reading some of these posts that get a bit (gasp) selfish IMO.

These comments were not necessarily in direct correlation to OP's situation, just observations from multiple posts I have seen that seem a bit heartless to me.

redoryx · March 2015

flantastic said:

lovemesomemonster said:
I do agree that it is hassle to be in a wedding party, there is a lot of responsibility even if we all say "just show up in the dress". But by saying to a friend "well I'm at a different place in my life and have been in enough weddings" it's basically telling her "should have jumped on the wedding train earlier, I have moved on". I just can't wrap my mind around saying to a friend, that yeah, all of the other weddings I was in were worth the hassle, but now that I'm beyond that yours isn't. I can understand things like financial reasons, you're in labor and/or just had a baby, or a death in the family making it impossible to be in a wedding but the mentality of "I've done enough of them" is something I can't get on board with.

Sorry OP, not trying to hijack the thread!

To the bolded - It's not, though. I imagine I would feel the same way if my wedding had not happened and I had no idea if it ever would be. It's a pain in the ass at any time - I just hadn't gotten to experience it yet. These are my first two weddings that I've been a WP member in, and I'm over it.
That said, I'm doing it for said friends, even though I suspect it will be more of a pain in the ass for me to do for them than it was for them to do for me. I just think it's silly to measure a friendship by how much (truly unnecessary) shit you're willing to go through for a friend. Law school? On it with care packages. Scary diagnosis? On it. "I need you to buy a specific dress to wear and come to this city way OOT a day earlier than everyone else?" Not actually necessary.

This. It just seems like such a superfluous way to judge your friendship with another person. Especially if that person STILL WANTS TO COME TO YOUR WEDDING AS A GUEST.

People's priorities change as they grow older as do their views on friendship. The people I was all "SQUEE. You're getting MARRIED!" when I was in my 20s ten years ago? Don't really talk to most of them anymore. Then there are those friends whose weddings I wasn't even invited to, let alone asked to be in the bridal party, but if they needed help moving a dead body, I'd totally be there.

flantastic · March 2015

lovemesomemonster said:

flantastic said:
I do agree that it is hassle to be in a wedding party, there is a lot of responsibility even if we all say "just show up in the dress". But by saying to a friend "well I'm at a different place in my life and have been in enough weddings" it's basically telling her "should have jumped on the wedding train earlier, I have moved on". I just can't wrap my mind around saying to a friend, that yeah, all of the other weddings I was in were worth the hassle, but now that I'm beyond that yours isn't. I can understand things like financial reasons, you're in labor and/or just had a baby, or a death in the family making it impossible to be in a wedding but the mentality of "I've done enough of them" is something I can't get on board with.

Sorry OP, not trying to hijack the thread!

To the bolded - It's not, though. I imagine I would feel the same way if my wedding had not happened and I had no idea if it ever would be. It's a pain in the ass at any time - I just hadn't gotten to experience it yet. These are my first two weddings that I've been a WP member in, and I'm over it.
That said, I'm doing it for said friends, even though I suspect it will be more of a pain in the ass for me to do for them than it was for them to do for me. I just think it's silly to measure a friendship by how much (truly unnecessary) shit you're willing to go through for a friend. Law school? On it with care packages. Scary diagnosis? On it. "I need you to buy a specific dress to wear and come to this city way OOT a day earlier than everyone else?" Not actually necessary.

This would fall under a FINANCIAL reason why you would not want to be part of the wedding party.. all I was saying is unless it is an acquaintance trying to fill their wedding party, I would never not agree to be in a very close friend's wedding because I was "over being in weddings", that was the point I was trying to make. And go ahead and call me sensitive but yes, I would be a bit slighted if a close friend didn't want to be in my wedding because she had been in other weddings, mine just happened to fall last on the calendar. I would think if you were close enough you would "suck it up" and do it one more time for that close friend.

I am also in no way saying I measure friendship based on one day, I just feel lucky to be surrounded by the friends I have after reading some of these posts that get a bit (gasp) selfish IMO.

These comments were not necessarily in direct correlation to OP's situation, just observations from multiple posts I have seen that seem a bit heartless to me.

It's not a financial reason. It's a "I have other things going on in my life and you are going to be busy hosting all your family and not seeing much of me anyway" reason.

I also pointed out twice that it has absolutely zero to do with me having been in too many other weddings, since I haven't been in any other weddings.

I definitely see where you'd be hurt, and where OP is hurt, which is part of why I said yes to being in these two wedding parties, but I'm also saying that is a silly measure of a friendship when you really think about it.

jerseykisses · March 2015

I think what @lovemesomemonster and I are explaining is that agreeing to stand by us on our wedding days means a lot more personally than it may to other people. Trust me, being in tons of weddings and coordinating plenty of showers, baby showers, etc. myself, I TOTALLY get the financial issue, the distance issue, children involved, etc. BUT that was NOT her reasoning given after our second discussion -and even if it was, I literally told her word-for-word that I do NOT expect/nor will hold it against her for not attending anything - not even the rehearsal dinner - except for the preparations the day-of. It would have meant SO much more if she was like hey, this is all I can do and I still want to be there for you, tell me what works. My BFF's husband reached out to me on his own accord to say he feels bad and doesn't understand why she declined either, knowing full well how I've been there for her. She even asked me recently to throw her a "sprinkle" for baby #2 and I didn't bat an eye when I agreed. I think in my specific situation, I'm noticing that she will not do for me as I have always done (without a question) for her. And THAT is where the frustration lies.

EDIT: clarity

flantastic · March 2015

jerseykisses said:
I don't think it is a silly measure at all in my instance. And I think what @lovemesomemonster and I are explaining is that agreeing to stand by us on our wedding days means a lot more personally than it may to other people. Trust me, being in tons of weddings and coordinating plenty of showers, baby showers, etc. myself, I TOTALLY get the financial issue, the distance issue, children involved, etc. BUT I literally told her word-for-word that I do NOT expect/nor will hold it against her for not attending anything - not even the rehearsal dinner - except for the preparations the day-of. It would have meant SO much more if she was like hey, this is all I can do and I still want to be there for you, tell me what works. My BFF's husband reached out to me on his own accord to say he feels bad and doesn't understand why she declined either, knowing full well how I've been there for her. She even asked me recently to throw her a "sprinkle" for baby #2 and I didn't bat an eye when I agreed. I think in my specific situation, I'm noticing that she will not do for me as I have always done (without a question) for her. And THAT is where the frustration lies.

And that's totally reasonable to care about it. However, friendships aren't tit for tat, so that's really not good reasoning. I am not a good friend to my friends in exactly the same way they are good friends to me, because we are different types of people. We show our friendship in different ways. There's got to be some balance in recognizing that Friend A cares a lot about bridal parties, while I don't, and so... either Friend A bends to my preference, or I bend to hers. If it's the latter, she's appreciative, since it's not something she was ever owed; if the former, she knows it's not about her or my lack of concern for her, but rather her own concern for me. As long as we know these things about one another, it should be okay.

The bolded, however, makes me think that she's probably not really a good friend in any way. It doesn't have to be via throwing parties, but how does she show her friendship to you? Does she?

jerseykisses · March 2015

I'm not some bridezilla who cares about the "duties" of a bridal party. I don't talk about my wedding planning constantly, quite the opposite. I'm apparently not conveying things accurately (eek!). I notice how this forum is filled with people who cling to the "typical" duties and it's so odd to me, especially when I've stated (truthfully) what MY wedding and MY bridal party means to me. My bridal party consists of those who I have loved for years, not fillers, which is also why I'm not "filling" BFF's "spot" in the bridal party. And at my age, yes it means a ton more to have those loved ones agree to stand by my side. Literally. It's not so much her saying she is not going to be in my bridal party, it is what she's saying as to the reason why that is coming across as selfish. I'm not expecting anyone to fully understand my take on this as no one fully understands my friendship with BFF. I was initially SO surprised that this even happened and was looking to see if I was being over-sensitive and how to come to terms with it. I've gotten my answer. And to answer your question @flantastic - I'm thinking maybe it's been more of a one-way street than I've realized.

lovemesomemonster · March 2015

@jerseykisses I'm so sorry if my comments have brought this out! I'm the one that brought up things unrelated to your particular situation and I apologize that my comments were squished in with your post.

jerseykisses · March 2015

No need for apologies @lovemesomemonster !!! I do share very similar sentiments as you in this case and it is comforting to know I'm not the only one who is sensitive to this :-)

drunkenwitch · March 2015

lovemesomemonster said:
I'm fully prepared for some backlash on this..

Many of the posts on here are making me feel so dang LUCKY to have the friends I have. I understand that people have lives and your wedding is not the most important thing for them, but if you love them enough to want them to stand by you during this huge event in your life then I would think it would be somewhat important to them. I have seen responses about "I wouldn't wear a dress I didn't like" and "I'm over the weddings and in a different place in my life" and that is a HUGE slap in the face to your friends that you should be very close to. Just because you have had your wedding and been in others doesn't mean that this day isn't a big deal for her. I would fly to the freaking moon and back for my best friend, it wouldn't matter to me if one of us was married with kids, and the other was single, I love her and it's important to her so I would do it for her.

OP I am so sorry this happened, and yeah, grab some wine and feel free to be a little hurt.. I'm sure your day will be beautiful

This is what got my hackles raised. Yes, I am over weddings, completely over them. Everyone has been a miserable experience for me. I am still super close to every woman I have ever stood next to at a wedding, but I never want to go through being a bridesmaid ever again.

Dropping everything and rushing to my friend's side when her father died, bringing food over when someone is sick or just had a baby, holding space for someone who is upset or hurt, putting up a friend so she can get out of an unsafe environment, holding a friend's hand when she has to put her beloved cat to sleep than staying with her and letting her cry, standing up for a friend who is being bullied. This is what I do for my friends and they do for me, without question and without obligation.

Implying that my friends aren't important to me because I won't be a bridesmaid? Oh hell no. They are EVERYTHING to me. I show them in my everyday actions.

lovemesomemonster · March 2015

drunkenwitch said:

lovemesomemonster said:
I'm fully prepared for some backlash on this..

Many of the posts on here are making me feel so dang LUCKY to have the friends I have. I understand that people have lives and your wedding is not the most important thing for them, but if you love them enough to want them to stand by you during this huge event in your life then I would think it would be somewhat important to them. I have seen responses about "I wouldn't wear a dress I didn't like" and "I'm over the weddings and in a different place in my life" and that is a HUGE slap in the face to your friends that you should be very close to. Just because you have had your wedding and been in others doesn't mean that this day isn't a big deal for her. I would fly to the freaking moon and back for my best friend, it wouldn't matter to me if one of us was married with kids, and the other was single, I love her and it's important to her so I would do it for her.

OP I am so sorry this happened, and yeah, grab some wine and feel free to be a little hurt.. I'm sure your day will be beautiful

This is what got my hackles raised. Yes, I am over weddings, completely over them. Everyone has been a miserable experience for me. I am still super close to every woman I have ever stood next to at a wedding, but I never want to go through being a bridesmaid ever again.
Dropping everything and rushing to my friend's side when her father died, bringing food over when someone is sick or just had a baby, holding space for someone who is upset or hurt, putting up a friend so she can get out of an unsafe environment, holding a friend's hand when she has to put her beloved cat to sleep than staying with her and letting her cry, standing up for a friend who is being bullied. This is what I do for my friends and they do for me, without question and without obligation.
Implying that my friends aren't important to me because I won't be a bridesmaid? Oh hell no. They are EVERYTHING to me. I show them in my everyday actions.

I guess the highlighted is what I just don't get.. for the bride that waits until later in life to get married her wedding is just as important to hers as the other friends who are having babies even though she may not be at the same point in her life. I'm really not trying to argue or say anyone is a shitty friend, I'm sure you are a great friend, I'm just putting myself in a person's shoes who is told that her friend is over weddings so she doesn't want to be in hers.. to me (might be taking it the wrong way) it sounds like "you took too long, were the last one to get married, and I'm too tired of weddings to put in that last effort for you" even if that's not how you mean it to sound.

jerseykisses · March 2015

@drunkenwitch pretty sure this is a website about weddings so maybe try to be a little more conscious of that in your response instead of saying how "over" weddings you are. No need to throw daggers about what everyone personally values in their own friendships because you are not friends with any of us nor know our personal lives of what each of us do for friends. (Which has nothing to do with this thread). I didn't ask for anyone to put a value on my friendship or anyone else's here.

drunkenwitch · March 2015

lovemesomemonster said:

drunkenwitch said:

lovemesomemonster said:
I'm fully prepared for some backlash on this..

Many of the posts on here are making me feel so dang LUCKY to have the friends I have. I understand that people have lives and your wedding is not the most important thing for them, but if you love them enough to want them to stand by you during this huge event in your life then I would think it would be somewhat important to them. I have seen responses about "I wouldn't wear a dress I didn't like" and "I'm over the weddings and in a different place in my life" and that is a HUGE slap in the face to your friends that you should be very close to. Just because you have had your wedding and been in others doesn't mean that this day isn't a big deal for her. I would fly to the freaking moon and back for my best friend, it wouldn't matter to me if one of us was married with kids, and the other was single, I love her and it's important to her so I would do it for her.

OP I am so sorry this happened, and yeah, grab some wine and feel free to be a little hurt.. I'm sure your day will be beautiful

This is what got my hackles raised. Yes, I am over weddings, completely over them. Everyone has been a miserable experience for me. I am still super close to every woman I have ever stood next to at a wedding, but I never want to go through being a bridesmaid ever again.
Dropping everything and rushing to my friend's side when her father died, bringing food over when someone is sick or just had a baby, holding space for someone who is upset or hurt, putting up a friend so she can get out of an unsafe environment, holding a friend's hand when she has to put her beloved cat to sleep than staying with her and letting her cry, standing up for a friend who is being bullied. This is what I do for my friends and they do for me, without question and without obligation.
Implying that my friends aren't important to me because I won't be a bridesmaid? Oh hell no. They are EVERYTHING to me. I show them in my everyday actions.
I guess the highlighted is what I just don't get.. for the bride that waits until later in life to get married her wedding is just as important to hers as the other friends who are having babies even though she may not be at the same point in her life. I'm really not trying to argue or say anyone is a shitty friend, I'm sure you are a great friend, I'm just putting myself in a person's shoes who is told that her friend is over weddings so she doesn't want to be in hers.. to me (might be taking it the wrong way) it sounds like "you took too long, were the last one to get married, and I'm too tired of weddings to put in that last effort for you" even if that's not how you mean it to sound.

I have never been married. I will be in my 40's when I get married for the first time. I am the last single gal in my circle of close girlfriends. I am not having a bridal party when I do get married.

And what is confusing about taking food over to a friend who is laid up?

Dreamergirl8812 · March 2015

lovemesomemonster said:

drunkenwitch said:

lovemesomemonster said:
I'm fully prepared for some backlash on this..

Many of the posts on here are making me feel so dang LUCKY to have the friends I have. I understand that people have lives and your wedding is not the most important thing for them, but if you love them enough to want them to stand by you during this huge event in your life then I would think it would be somewhat important to them. I have seen responses about "I wouldn't wear a dress I didn't like" and "I'm over the weddings and in a different place in my life" and that is a HUGE slap in the face to your friends that you should be very close to. Just because you have had your wedding and been in others doesn't mean that this day isn't a big deal for her. I would fly to the freaking moon and back for my best friend, it wouldn't matter to me if one of us was married with kids, and the other was single, I love her and it's important to her so I would do it for her.

OP I am so sorry this happened, and yeah, grab some wine and feel free to be a little hurt.. I'm sure your day will be beautiful

This is what got my hackles raised. Yes, I am over weddings, completely over them. Everyone has been a miserable experience for me. I am still super close to every woman I have ever stood next to at a wedding, but I never want to go through being a bridesmaid ever again.
Dropping everything and rushing to my friend's side when her father died, bringing food over when someone is sick or just had a baby, holding space for someone who is upset or hurt, putting up a friend so she can get out of an unsafe environment, holding a friend's hand when she has to put her beloved cat to sleep than staying with her and letting her cry, standing up for a friend who is being bullied. This is what I do for my friends and they do for me, without question and without obligation.
Implying that my friends aren't important to me because I won't be a bridesmaid? Oh hell no. They are EVERYTHING to me. I show them in my everyday actions.
I guess the highlighted is what I just don't get.. for the bride that waits until later in life to get married her wedding is just as important to hers as the other friends who are having babies even though she may not be at the same point in her life. I'm really not trying to argue or say anyone is a shitty friend, I'm sure you are a great friend, I'm just putting myself in a person's shoes who is told that her friend is over weddings so she doesn't want to be in hers.. to me (might be taking it the wrong way) it sounds like "you took too long, were the last one to get married, and I'm too tired of weddings to put in that last effort for you" even if that's not how you mean it to sound.

Of course she may think her wedding is as important as a friend having a troubled pregnancy, or a recent widow not having the energy to cook/clean for her children. But she is wrong. The point of your wedding is to marry your FI. It is also a wonderful time to honor your loved ones. If a loved one tells you that they would rather be honored as a guest than a BM, you respect that.

As everyone else has said, OP, you have every right to be sad, upset, and hurt. But try not to take it personally and think on it for a bit before you throw away the friendship. It sounds like there are other things about this friend that are now starting to eat at you. So if the friendship does not survive, that is life.

Just remember that when your wedding day is over, all that matters is the relationships in your life.

jerseykisses · March 2015

No one ever said that anyone's wedding trumps a baby or a recently widowed woman @Dreamergirl8812 - that would just be beyond ridiculous and not even mentioned in this thread. I appreciate all of the Knotties who offered helpful insight and encouragement. Thank you!!

ashley8918 · March 2015

jerseykisses said:
@drunkenwitch pretty sure this is a website about weddings so maybe try to be a little more conscious of that in your response instead of saying how "over" weddings you are. No need to throw daggers about what everyone personally values in their own friendships because you are not friends with any of us nor know our personal lives of what each of us do for friends. (Which has nothing to do with this thread). I didn't ask for anyone to put a value on my friendship or anyone else's here.

Girl, cool your fucking jets. She is not "throwing daggers". She is (rightfully) explaining how ridiculous it is to judge your friendships based on your wedding, when there are a million more important things.

jerseykisses · March 2015

Never once said I was judging my friend. But thanks for showing your classiness with your choice of words! @ashley8918

ashley8918 · March 2015

jerseykisses said:
Never once said I was judging my friend. But thanks for showing your classiness with your choice of words! @ashley8918

You dont have to say "I am judging" to be *judging.

jerseykisses · March 2015

Ah, yes. There is always one who likes to just pick fights with other Knotties around here. I have better things to do than argue on a public forum. Came here for good advice, got what I needed (no thanks to you) and now I'm off. Have a great evening.

ashley8918 · March 2015

jerseykisses said:
Ah, yes. There is always one who likes to just pick fights with other Knotties around here. I have better things to do than argue on a public forum. Came here for good advice, got what I needed (no thanks to you) and now I'm off. Have a great evening.

lovemesomemonster · March 2015

Oh boy, this escalated quickly.. just my closing thoughts, I do not think that going to or being in someone's wedding should be more important to a person than their own kids, I said that the person getting married views that big life change as just important FOR THEM, as their friend sees having a kid if that is the stage of life THEY are in. I do not think it makes you a bad friend for not being in someone's wedding, there are circumstances that make it not possible and that is fine.. my only problem with lots of the posts I see are the "I'm over weddings" reasoning for not being in a dear friend's wedding. IMO this is a bit of a tacky reason to not share their day with them like you have with other friends, but again, that is my opinion. I'm not here to argue or to change anyone's mind on the subject. To each their own and I wish you luck with your wedding planning OP.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2015

flantastic said:

jerseykisses said:
So I opted to further discuss with my BFF when she brought it up again.. I explained my desire to simply have her in a dress on the wedding day and that my FI and I are going to cover the majority of BM expenses so no one stresses financially. And she clarified that she is in a different place in her life and does not have any desire to make the effort to be in a wedding nowadays, regardless of my low expectations. Ouch. At least I know I did all I could.

I know you wish she would do it for you, but her lack of desire to do it doesn't have anything to do with you.

This. I've been a BM 10+ times now. I'd rather be a guest at this point. I have 2 sisters and 2 good friends who aren't married yet. . .I love them, but I'd still rather just be a guest.

I'm sorry you are bummed, though.

redoryx · March 2015

lovemesomemonster said:

drunkenwitch said:

lovemesomemonster said:
I'm fully prepared for some backlash on this..

Many of the posts on here are making me feel so dang LUCKY to have the friends I have. I understand that people have lives and your wedding is not the most important thing for them, but if you love them enough to want them to stand by you during this huge event in your life then I would think it would be somewhat important to them. I have seen responses about "I wouldn't wear a dress I didn't like" and "I'm over the weddings and in a different place in my life" and that is a HUGE slap in the face to your friends that you should be very close to. Just because you have had your wedding and been in others doesn't mean that this day isn't a big deal for her. I would fly to the freaking moon and back for my best friend, it wouldn't matter to me if one of us was married with kids, and the other was single, I love her and it's important to her so I would do it for her.

OP I am so sorry this happened, and yeah, grab some wine and feel free to be a little hurt.. I'm sure your day will be beautiful

This is what got my hackles raised. Yes, I am over weddings, completely over them. Everyone has been a miserable experience for me. I am still super close to every woman I have ever stood next to at a wedding, but I never want to go through being a bridesmaid ever again.
Dropping everything and rushing to my friend's side when her father died, bringing food over when someone is sick or just had a baby, holding space for someone who is upset or hurt, putting up a friend so she can get out of an unsafe environment, holding a friend's hand when she has to put her beloved cat to sleep than staying with her and letting her cry, standing up for a friend who is being bullied. This is what I do for my friends and they do for me, without question and without obligation.
Implying that my friends aren't important to me because I won't be a bridesmaid? Oh hell no. They are EVERYTHING to me. I show them in my everyday actions.
I guess the highlighted is what I just don't get.. for the bride that waits until later in life to get married her wedding is just as important to hers as the other friends who are having babies even though she may not be at the same point in her life. I'm really not trying to argue or say anyone is a shitty friend, I'm sure you are a great friend, I'm just putting myself in a person's shoes who is told that her friend is over weddings so she doesn't want to be in hers.. to me (might be taking it the wrong way) it sounds like "you took too long, were the last one to get married, and I'm too tired of weddings to put in that last effort for you" even if that's not how you mean it to sound.

The problem with this argument is that if you are an "older" bride (take that to mean what you will, I'll be closing in on 40 by the time I get married) then you've probably been a BM/MOH at least once over the years so you know first hand how annoying it can be, so it seems like you would be more inclined and forgiving if a friend says they'd rather be a guest. That is, if you have a bridal party at all as you may decide to not even put your friends through that after going through it yourself.

ChemFanatic25 · March 2015

jerseykisses said:
I think what @lovemesomemonster and I are explaining is that agreeing to stand by us on our wedding days means a lot more personally than it may to other people. Trust me, being in tons of weddings and coordinating plenty of showers, baby showers, etc. myself, I TOTALLY get the financial issue, the distance issue, children involved, etc. BUT that was NOT her reasoning given after our second discussion -and even if it was, I literally told her word-for-word that I do NOT expect/nor will hold it against her for not attending anything - not even the rehearsal dinner - except for the preparations the day-of. It would have meant SO much more if she was like hey, this is all I can do and I still want to be there for you, tell me what works. My BFF's husband reached out to me on his own accord to say he feels bad and doesn't understand why she declined either, knowing full well how I've been there for her. She even asked me recently to throw her a "sprinkle" for baby #2 and I didn't bat an eye when I agreed. I think in my specific situation, I'm noticing that she will not do for me as I have always done (without a question) for her. And THAT is where the frustration lies.

EDIT: clarity

Welp this thread blew up . . . anyways, what's a sprinkle? Why not call it a baby shower? Also isn't it rude to ask someone else to throw you (not as in you OP, but you in general) a shower because isn't throwing a shower a gift to person?

jerseykisses · March 2015

Haha, it definitely did @chemfanatic25 !! Yikes! A sprinkle is not a full-blown baby shower.. it's thrown for a mother-to-be when she's having a second baby (this is a newer thing I'm noticing - it used to be when there was a big age difference between children). And yes - that was my point - that she has no problem asking me to do things "of honor" for her (even when it IS technically rude), yet she can't make the effort for me and is dismissive of my wedding.

ChemFanatic25 · March 2015

jerseykisses said:
Haha, it definitely did @chemfanatic25 !! Yikes! A sprinkle is not a full-blown baby shower.. it's thrown for a mother-to-be when she's having a second baby (this is a newer thing I'm noticing - it used to be when there was a big age difference between children). And yes - that was my point - that she has no problem asking me to do things "of honor" for her (even when it IS technically rude), yet she can't make the effort for me and is dismissive of my wedding.

Oooooh! Okay, now I understand. Yeah, I'd be annoyed but being asked to be a bridesmaid is not a subpoena. Anyway, if you don't want to host the "sprinkle" or feel really bothered by it (though will to host) I'd say don't do it. Those are just my two thoughts.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2015

lovemesomemonster said:
I'm fully prepared for some backlash on this..

Many of the posts on here are making me feel so dang LUCKY to have the friends I have. I understand that people have lives and your wedding is not the most important thing for them, but if you love them enough to want them to stand by you during this huge event in your life then I would think it would be somewhat important to them. I have seen responses about "I wouldn't wear a dress I didn't like" and "I'm over the weddings and in a different place in my life" and that is a HUGE slap in the face to your friends that you should be very close to. Just because you have had your wedding and been in others doesn't mean that this day isn't a big deal for her. I would fly to the freaking moon and back for my best friend, it wouldn't matter to me if one of us was married with kids, and the other was single, I love her and it's important to her so I would do it for her.

OP I am so sorry this happened, and yeah, grab some wine and feel free to be a little hurt.. I'm sure your day will be beautiful

My friends' and families' weddings ARE important to me. . .but after being a BM 10+ times and being to 30+ weddings now, the last 5 of which have all been OOT, I'm burned out from weddings. That's the truth, and it doesn't make me a shitty friend, as you are implying.

Weddings are kinda a pain in the ass, especially OOT ones. Sure they are fun and I enjoy going to them and I'm happy for the couples, but that doesn't negate the costs involved or the fact that weddings are kinda a pain in the ass. My own wedding last fall was a pain in the ass.

I need a break. We're declining an OOT wedding in April because we need a break and it's too $$$ right now.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2015

lovemesomemonster said:
I do agree that it is hassle to be in a wedding party, there is a lot of responsibility even if we all say "just show up in the dress". But by saying to a friend "well I'm at a different place in my life and have been in enough weddings" it's basically telling her "should have jumped on the wedding train earlier, I have moved on". I just can't wrap my mind around saying to a friend, that yeah, all of the other weddings I was in were worth the hassle, but now that I'm beyond that yours isn't. I can understand things like financial reasons, you're in labor and/or just had a baby, or a death in the family making it impossible to be in a wedding but the mentality of "I've done enough of them" is something I can't get on board with.

Sorry OP, not trying to hijack the thread!

No, that's no what her friend said to her and the implication that OP should have gotten married earlier is just something you both are reading into it.

I'm at a different place in my life could mean I can't afford to be on the wedding. Who knows.

jerseykisses · March 2015

You're all now missing the point, so just let it go. If you read my comments @prettygirllost, you would see that money is not the factor, the distance is not the factor, she has not been in too many weddings, it's that she is currently in a selfish phase where she's "too good to be in a wedding now that she has a child". Yes, weddings can be a pain in the ass, so can other events - but I tend to suck it up and do what makes my loved ones happy without one complaint - maybe I'm one of the few who still do this! I wish there was a way to mark this post as "answered" because I'm over the negative opinions that have nothing to do with the situation.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2015

jerseykisses said:
You're all now missing the point, so just let it go. If you read my comments @prettygirllost, you would see that money is not the factor, the distance is not the factor, she has not been in too many weddings, it's that she is currently in a selfish phase where she's "too good to be in a wedding now that she has a child". Yes, weddings can be a pain in the ass, so can other events - but I tend to suck it up and do what makes my loved ones happy without one complaint - maybe I'm one of the few who still do this! I wish there was a way to mark this post as "answered" because I'm over the negative opinions that have nothing to do with the situation.

I read your comments. Just because she didn't come right out and say money wasn't a concern doesn't mean it's not.

I think you are being defensive and judgemental of your friend and the rest of us right now because your feelings are hurt. It's really shitty to call your friend selfish just because she doesn't want to be in your wedding.

She still wants to come to it! So she won't be in the bridal party pictures? She'll still be there with you on your big day. . Isn't that more important than her being in the bridal party?

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