Invitation timing?

hcole1 · March 2015

Our wedding is local for us but approximately 90% of the guests will have to travel. We are not sending save the dates so we are wondering how early we can send invitations out. We have to give the caterer the final payment two months before the wedding also, so that will require having a final head count at that time. I've seen a lot of posters say that 10 weeks out is the absolute earliest you should send invitations...but that wouldn't leave enough time before our final catering payment is due. Would it be ok to send invitations four months before the wedding with an rsvp date three months before? That would then give me a month to follow up with people who did not respond. If you think that this is inappropriate, could you please explain your reasoning?

willthiswork · March 2015

I see it the other way - we just received an invite to a wedding six weeks out and our flights were over $500 a piece to make the trip. We got a STD but I've had an experience where I received the STD and wasn't invited to the wedding - after losing $350 on that flight, I don't consider those a guarantee anymore. Not everyone understands the etiquette.

When everyone's out of town, I think it's best to send invites early so OOT folks can make reasonable flight/travel arrangements and have a long RSVP window so other folks can wait to commit if they need to.

Our wedding in early June is 100% OOT. We sent invites 12 weeks out and our reply date is 6 weeks out. We've had about half RSVP already with folks appreciative of time to make travel.

We've also been invited to a wedding three weeks after ours in June. It's largely local and we received that invite the week before we sent ours out.

People who want to come will come. People who don't or can't, won't. I don't think either side needs to hold grudges about it - these are supposed to be your closest friends and family. OP - do whatever works for you.

manateehugger · March 2015

hcole1 said:
Our wedding is local for us but approximately 90% of the guests will have to travel. We are not sending save the dates so we are wondering how early we can send invitations out. We have to give the caterer the final payment two months before the wedding also, so that will require having a final head count at that time. I've seen a lot of posters say that 10 weeks out is the absolute earliest you should send invitations...but that wouldn't leave enough time before our final catering payment is due. Would it be ok to send invitations four months before the wedding with an rsvp date three months before? That would then give me a month to follow up with people who did not respond. If you think that this is inappropriate, could you please explain your reasoning?

Two months is absolutely ridiculous. I would be pushing back on your caterer. I didn't even make final payment until the after our wedding.

Four months is way too early. You will be pushing your guests to RSVP very far in advance. Quick, what are you doing on the 3rd Saturday in June? You probably have no clue. You will be miserable and stuck with guests calling to change their RSVPs and backing out; this happens anyway with appropriately-timed invitations - I can't imagine the headache at 3-4 months out.

Ask your caterer why on earth they need final payment by then and see if there's an arrangement you can work out.

Also, in general you don't need a month to follow up with slow RSVPers (though, you might need a month for four months out, goodness). Give yourself about a week to make those phone calls.

Bottom Line: Your caterer is ridiculous and 3-4 months is far too early.

fwtx5815 · March 2015

Do you actually know that they require the final headcount 2 months out or is that an assumption? Because I have a really hard time believing that. Just because they may require the final payment for your estimated headcount, doesn't necessarily mean you have to have final numbers then.

My venue requires the final payment 1 month before the event date, but it's based on our estimated number of guests. Final numbers are due just 1 week before the wedding, and if we're over/under then it will get sorted out after the fact.

I would strongly advise looking at your contract again. It's not cool to make your guests RSVP that far in advance.

Maggie0829 · March 2015

I have a really hard time believing that your caterer needs a headcount and final payment 2 months in advance. And if that is what they told you then you need to push back hard on them because that is beyond ridiculous.

With 90% of your guest list coming in from OOT hopefully you are having VIP guests (parents and such) spreading the word about your date so at least people are aware. You shouldn't send your invites out any earlier then 8 weeks before.

So you need to re-read your catering contract and then get them on the phone and try to figure out a way to rework the timeline.

hcole1 · March 2015

Wow, so I guess I'm the only person that thinks that it isn't unreasonable to expect someone who has to book plane tickets/hotels and ask off from work to commit to coming to something three months in advance? People commit to vacations, buying concert tickets, etc. that far (or more) in advance all the time. It's not like I'm saying, "quick, what are you doing on the 3rd Saturday in June?" like one previous poster said because I'd be giving them four weeks to respond to the invitation, not expecting an immediate answer upon receipt. I could stretch the RSVP window to 6 weeks instead of four, giving me two weeks to follow up with people who didn't send theirs back.

Someone also asked why I need a that long to follow up with people - because I'm busy. I don't know what some brides have going on that they can devote their lives to wedding planning, but I'm not that person. It's not like you can expect to have a two minute conversation with each one of these people to find out if they're coming and then hang up - it will take some time once you chit chat with them too. Also, I'm anticipating that some of the people who might not respond would be people from FMIL's list (some of whom I don't even know) so she'd be in charge of calling them and I'd like to give her more than a week to do so.

If I were a guest, I would never book travel until I had received a formal invitation, even if I had received a save the date. I thought it would be more considerate of my guests to give them more time to book everything/ask off from work/etc. Another reason I'd like to send them out so early is so people know exactly who is and who is not invited and that those who are not do not book travel on the assumption that they are invited (I have a very large family, but our venue limits us to 100 people - I've made this known but have heard through various family members that some of the younger and single cousins automatically expect that they'll be getting a plus one when that is definitely not the case; some of my distant second and third cousins are also apparently of the belief that they will be invited as well but we just don't have space for them).

To address the issue of RSVP's changing - I would never change my RSVP after I had sent it in - if I commit to something, I'm in. If I decline and my plans later change, too bad for me. Obviously this wouldn't apply if there were some sort of crazy emergency, but that could happen whether someone rsvp'd three months or three days beforehand. I think that most people have my same views on this, so I'd imagine that it wouldn't be very many people, if any, that I'd have to deal with on this issue.

And as far as what my caterer requires, I don't know why they require that but it is in the contract that I signed. Of course I was not thinking about invitations when we booked the caterer so I didn't even question the final payment/head count due date. So let's just assume the worst-case scenario - that I can't get this changed because I did commit to it in writing by signing the contract.

So having said all of that, I believe I have very legitimate reasons to send the invitations out earlier (my father even requested that I do that for some of the reasons I listed). Can someone make an argument (other than "that's not what the etiquette book says" or "it's not cool to make your guests RSVP that early") against it? And please don't just tell me it's not cool - tell me why it's not cool. I need to feel like there are legitimate reasons against sending them out that early that outweigh my reasons for wanting to send them four months out.

KatWAG · March 2015

Wow, so I guess I'm the only person that thinks that it isn't unreasonable to expect someone who has to book plane tickets/hotels and ask off from work to commit to coming to something three months in advance? People commit to vacations, buying concert tickets, etc. that far (or more) in advance all the time. It's not like I'm saying, "quick, what are you doing on the 3rd Saturday in June?" like one previous poster said because I'd be giving them four weeks to respond to the invitation, not expecting an immediate answer upon receipt. I could stretch the RSVP window to 6 weeks instead of four, giving me two weeks to follow up with people who didn't send theirs back.

Someone also asked why I need a that long to follow up with people - because I'm busy. I don't know what some brides have going on that they can devote their lives to wedding planning, but I'm not that person. It's not like you can expect to have a two minute conversation with each one of these people to find out if they're coming and then hang up - it will take some time once you chit chat with them too. Also, I'm anticipating that some of the people who might not respond would be people from FMIL's list (some of whom I don't even know) so she'd be in charge of calling them and I'd like to give her more than a week to do so.

If I were a guest, I would never book travel until I had received a formal invitation, even if I had received a save the date. I thought it would be more considerate of my guests to give them more time to book everything/ask off from work/etc. Another reason I'd like to send them out so early is so people know exactly who is and who is not invited and that those who are not do not book travel on the assumption that they are invited (I have a very large family, but our venue limits us to 100 people - I've made this known but have heard through various family members that some of the younger and single cousins automatically expect that they'll be getting a plus one when that is definitely not the case; some of my distant second and third cousins are also apparently of the belief that they will be invited as well but we just don't have space for them).

To address the issue of RSVP's changing - I would never change my RSVP after I had sent it in - if I commit to something, I'm in. If I decline and my plans later change, too bad for me. Obviously this wouldn't apply if there were some sort of crazy emergency, but that could happen whether someone rsvp'd three months or three days beforehand. I think that most people have my same views on this, so I'd imagine that it wouldn't be very many people, if any, that I'd have to deal with on this issue.

And as far as what my caterer requires, I don't know why they require that but it is in the contract that I signed. Of course I was not thinking about invitations when we booked the caterer so I didn't even question the final payment/head count due date. So let's just assume the worst-case scenario - that I can't get this changed because I did commit to it in writing by signing the contract.

So having said all of that, I believe I have very legitimate reasons to send the invitations out earlier (my father even requested that I do that for some of the reasons I listed). Can someone make an argument (other than "that's not what the etiquette book says" or "it's not cool to make your guests RSVP that early") against it? And please don't just tell me it's not cool - tell me why it's not cool. I need to feel like there are legitimate reasons against sending them out that early that outweigh my reasons for wanting to send them four months out.

This is exactly why people send STDs.

hcole1 · March 2015

As I noted, I personally would not make travel arrangements until I received a formal invitation. And I have to make the final payment to my caterer two months before the wedding so I need a head count by then.

KatWAG · March 2015

As I noted, I personally would not make travel arrangements until I received a formal invitation. And I have to make the final payment to my caterer two months before the wedding so I need a head count by then.

Why dont you plan for 100% attendance? If you dont get 100% you can enhance what you were planning on offering your guests.

And why wouldnt you make travel arrangements until you get a formal invitation? The entire point of an STD is to put a hold on your calendar so you can make arrangement. And STDs literally say "invite to follow."

Maggie0829 · March 2015

hcole1 said:
As I noted, I personally would not make travel arrangements until I received a formal invitation. And I have to make the final payment to my caterer two months before the wedding so I need a head count by then.

But that is you. STDs are a way to let someone know that they will be formally invited to your wedding.

And again, you need to TALK to your caterer because this is ridiculous.

hcole1 · March 2015

I guess what I don't understand is why it is perfectly acceptable to expect someone to mark their calendar and start making arrangements upon receiving a save the date 6-9 months out, but not to do so when receiving an invitation four months out. If people would start making arrangements after getting a save the date, why is it such a big deal to get an invitation four months before and make arrangements then? I didn't want to send save the dates because it seems like a waste of time and money if you just send the invitations out when I'm talking about sending them. I feel like the "rule" about only sending out invitations 6-8 weeks in advance was created by the wedding industry so they could convince you that you also needed to spend money on save the dates...

Maggie0829 · March 2015

hcole1 said:
Wow, so I guess I'm the only person that thinks that it isn't unreasonable to expect someone who has to book plane tickets/hotels and ask off from work to commit to coming to something three months in advance? People commit to vacations, buying concert tickets, etc. that far (or more) in advance all the time. That is of their own choosing and planning. They make that decision because they know the date well ahead of time (a date that THEY have decided on) and have time to ask off from work, save up money, etc. That is why sending STDs is important when 90% of your guest list is OOT. If you want to give your guests advanced notice of your wedding you send STDs not send your invites out 3+ months ahead of time. It's not like I'm saying, "quick, what are you doing on the 3rd Saturday in June?" like one previous poster said because I'd be giving them four weeks to respond to the invitation, not expecting an immediate answer upon receipt. I could stretch the RSVP window to 6 weeks instead of four, giving me two weeks to follow up with people who didn't send theirs back.

Someone also asked why I need a that long to follow up with people - because I'm busy. Congratulations. We are all busy. It really does not take that much time to follow up with people. A simple phone call or email is all that is necessary. I don't know what some brides have going on that they can devote their lives to wedding planning, but I'm not that person. It's not like you can expect to have a two minute conversation with each one of these people to find out if they're coming and then hang up - it will take some time once you chit chat with them too. You won't have to talk to every single person you invite. Maybe a handful or two handfuls. Also, I'm anticipating that some of the people who might not respond would be people from FMIL's list (some of whom I don't even know) so she'd be in charge of calling them and I'd like to give her more than a week to do so. But that is not how it works. A week is MORE then enough time to contact people. To say that it isn't is ridiculous.

If I were a guest, I would never book travel until I had received a formal invitation, even if I had received a save the date. But that is you. Most people realize that a STD is them being told that a formal invitation will be in the mail as the event gets closer. I mean the entire point of a STD is to tell people your wedding date and to let them know that they are going to be formally invited at a later date. How much more do you actually need to know to make travel plans? I thought it would be more considerate of my guests to give them more time to book everything/ask off from work/etc. Again, the entire reason to send STDs. Another reason I'd like to send them out so early is so people know exactly who is and who is not invited and that those who are not do not book travel on the assumption that they are invited Again, the entire point of STDs. If people choose to assume they are invited and make travel arrangements well that is on them.(I have a very large family, but our venue limits us to 100 people - I've made this known but have heard through various family members that some of the younger and single cousins automatically expect that they'll be getting a plus one when that is definitely not the case; some of my distant second and third cousins are also apparently of the belief that they will be invited as well but we just don't have space for them).

To address the issue of RSVP's changing - I would never change my RSVP after I had sent it in - if I commit to something, I'm in. If I decline and my plans later change, too bad for me. Obviously this wouldn't apply if there were some sort of crazy emergency, but that could happen whether someone rsvp'd three months or three days beforehand. I think that most people have my same views on this, so I'd imagine that it wouldn't be very many people, if any, that I'd have to deal with on this issue.

And as far as what my caterer requires, I don't know why they require that but it is in the contract that I signed. Of course I was not thinking about invitations when we booked the caterer so I didn't even question the final payment/head count due date. So let's just assume the worst-case scenario - that I can't get this changed because I did commit to it in writing by signing the contract. You need to talk to your caterer and get clarification about this.

So having said all of that, I believe I have very legitimate reasons to send the invitations out earlier No, you don't. You do have legitimate reasons to send STDs. But not invites.(my father even requested that I do that for some of the reasons I listed). Can someone make an argument (other than "that's not what the etiquette book says" or "it's not cool to make your guests RSVP that early") against it? And please don't just tell me it's not cool - tell me why it's not cool. I need to feel like there are legitimate reasons against sending them out that early that outweigh my reasons for wanting to send them four months out.

Why aren't you sending STDs? If 90% of your wedding is OOT then sending STDs would solve a lot of your issues. Then call your caterer and speak to them about the whole final payment/head count 2 months ahead of time.

Maggie0829 · March 2015

hcole1 said:
I guess what I don't understand is why it is perfectly acceptable to expect someone to mark their calendar and start making arrangements upon receiving a save the date 6-9 months out, but not to do so when receiving an invitation four months out. If people would start making arrangements after getting a save the date, why is it such a big deal to get an invitation four months before and make arrangements then? I didn't want to send save the dates because it seems like a waste of time and money if you just send the invitations out when I'm talking about sending them. I feel like the "rule" about only sending out invitations 6-8 weeks in advance was created by the wedding industry so they could convince you that you also needed to spend money on save the dates...

Because with a STD you don't have to give an answer right away. You can jump in and make travel arrangements if you want or you can take your time to decide if you want to or can make it to the wedding. But sending your invites out 4 months ahead of time is forcing your guests to make a decision NOW as to whether or not they can come to your wedding.

As to the bolded, no. STDs are relatively new. For example I didn't send them since 95% of my guest list was local. But for someone like you who has 90% of her guest list OOT they make sense to send.

MyNameIsNot · March 2015

It's beyond absurd to expect people to commit to a wedding 3 months out.

You need to call your caterer and get them to act reasonable. Expecting you to submit final numbers that early is ridiculous. If a caterer can't work within industry standard timelines, I'd be worried about their general level of incompetence.

Cookie Pusher · March 2015

When I worked in retail, time off requests off less than 5 consecutive working days had to be submitted 8 weeks in advance, and you would not know if you received the time off you requested until the 3-week rotation your requested date fell in was released. That meant you would not know until 1-3 weeks beforehand if your request was granted. This meant I was always making fairly last-minute travel arrangements so I could be there for my friends and family. Any event where I had to make a definitive attendance decision very early out would get an automatic decline.

I know retail is not the only industry like this (I know friends who are nurses and truck drivers and other professionals who work for companies who have similar PTO restrictions).

tcnoble · March 2015

hcole1 said:
Wow, so I guess I'm the only person that thinks that it isn't unreasonable to expect someone who has to book plane tickets/hotels and ask off from work to commit to coming to something three months in advance? People commit to vacations, buying concert tickets, etc. that far (or more) in advance all the time. It's not like I'm saying, "quick, what are you doing on the 3rd Saturday in June?" like one previous poster said because I'd be giving them four weeks to respond to the invitation, not expecting an immediate answer upon receipt. I could stretch the RSVP window to 6 weeks instead of four, giving me two weeks to follow up with people who didn't send theirs back.

Someone also asked why I need a that long to follow up with people - because I'm busy. I don't know what some brides have going on that they can devote their lives to wedding planning, but I'm not that person. It's not like you can expect to have a two minute conversation with each one of these people to find out if they're coming and then hang up - it will take some time once you chit chat with them too. Also, I'm anticipating that some of the people who might not respond would be people from FMIL's list (some of whom I don't even know) so she'd be in charge of calling them and I'd like to give her more than a week to do so.

If I were a guest, I would never book travel until I had received a formal invitation, even if I had received a save the date. I thought it would be more considerate of my guests to give them more time to book everything/ask off from work/etc. Another reason I'd like to send them out so early is so people know exactly who is and who is not invited and that those who are not do not book travel on the assumption that they are invited (I have a very large family, but our venue limits us to 100 people - I've made this known but have heard through various family members that some of the younger and single cousins automatically expect that they'll be getting a plus one when that is definitely not the case; some of my distant second and third cousins are also apparently of the belief that they will be invited as well but we just don't have space for them).

To address the issue of RSVP's changing - I would never change my RSVP after I had sent it in - if I commit to something, I'm in. If I decline and my plans later change, too bad for me. Obviously this wouldn't apply if there were some sort of crazy emergency, but that could happen whether someone rsvp'd three months or three days beforehand. I think that most people have my same views on this, so I'd imagine that it wouldn't be very many people, if any, that I'd have to deal with on this issue.

And as far as what my caterer requires, I don't know why they require that but it is in the contract that I signed. Of course I was not thinking about invitations when we booked the caterer so I didn't even question the final payment/head count due date. So let's just assume the worst-case scenario - that I can't get this changed because I did commit to it in writing by signing the contract.

So having said all of that, I believe I have very legitimate reasons to send the invitations out earlier (my father even requested that I do that for some of the reasons I listed). Can someone make an argument (other than "that's not what the etiquette book says" or "it's not cool to make your guests RSVP that early") against it? And please don't just tell me it's not cool - tell me why it's not cool. I need to feel like there are legitimate reasons against sending them out that early that outweigh my reasons for wanting to send them four months out.

As someone planning a wedding with 100+ OOT guests and just dealt with RSVPs... you don't need a month to follow up. FI and I both work full time jobs and managed to get a hold of the 30 missing RSVPs in a four day time frame. You make it work. Being busy isn't a valid reason to send out invitations four months in advance.

As for the caterer - ours required numbers one month in advance and we felt that was a little far, but do-able. We sent our invites at the 10 week mark (kind of on accident - thanks FI) and still had people not RSVP in time.

And you say that once you commit to something you'll attend? Well, that's you but not everyone else. We had guests send in RSVPs right away and contact us weeks later to tell us things had come up and they couldn't afford it, work time off, etc. So if you require guests to RSVP three months in advance, there's a lot of time there that things can change and people can't come or people said they couldn't and now can. It leaves a lot of time for things to change.

I would HIGHLY recommend sending STDs. We sent ours at the 9 month mark. Sure, not everyone will jump on making travel arrangements, but you will have some that do and that's great - their RSVPs will come back quick. For others, it gives them a chance to play with dates/flights/hotels, check with work, etc. You can get some fairly inexpensive STDs too.

hcole1 · March 2015

So I just checked The Knot's wedding planning checklist which says "Get them out by the three-month mark." (my emphasis on the "by") Why would they instruct you to send at least 12 weeks out if it's such bad etiquette?

Maggie0829 · March 2015

hcole1 said:
So I just checked The Knot's wedding planning checklist which says "Get them out by the three-month mark." (my emphasis on the "by") Why would they instruct you to send at least 12 weeks out if it's such bad etiquette?

The Knot also provide a list of duties for your BMs which are also completely absurd. The Knot website does not provide decent etiquette advice because they are too busy being a part of that wedding industry that tries to get you to spend money and make you believe that your wedding is the most important thing in the entire world.

madisonbh · March 2015

If I were going to travel I would want plenty of notice. Every "Correct" way of doing things doesn't work for everyone. Some people may appreciate the advanced notice and some people may not. For some of your traveling guests it may be nice to receive the invitation early so that they can save for the travel expenses. As someone planning a wedding on a very low budget, I am not able to send out Save the Dates and Wedding Invitations, so my guests will get my invite only. I say do what works for you. If people don't like it and can't commit to it that far in advance then they won't come.

Maggie0829 · March 2015

madisonbh said:
If I were going to travel I would want plenty of notice. Every "Correct" way of doing things doesn't work for everyone. Some people may appreciate the advanced notice and some people may not. For some of your traveling guests it may be nice to receive the invitation early so that they can save for the travel expenses. As someone planning a wedding on a very low budget, I am not able to send out Save the Dates and Wedding Invitations, so my guests will get my invite only. I say do what works for you. If people don't like it and can't commit to it that far in advance then they won't come.

But this is what STDs are for!

And just because you choose not to send STDs does not then make it okay to send your invites early. If you want people to know your date you either send them a STD or you spread the word via word of mouth.

And the bolded makes you and any other bride who sends their invites super early with a very early RSVP date look like you don't give two shits if people come to your wedding or not.

Cookie Pusher · March 2015

STDates do not have to be expensive. They can be done via email. You could call your VIPs and those who have to travel to your wedding. It could be a simple store bought note card with the pertinent information written in.

fwtx5815 · March 2015

--------------------BOXES?---------------------STDates do not have to be expensive. They can be done via email. You could call your VIPs and those who have to travel to your wedding. It could be a simple store bought note card with the pertinent information written in.---------------BOX---------------

I was just about to say this. Nobody here is demanding that you shell out a ton of money on Save the Dates. It can be done for free or very cheaply.
And to answer your question about why it isn't cool to send the actual invites out really early is because of the sentiment below:" I say do what works for you. If people don't like it and can't commit to it that far in advance then they won't come. "

If you're blasé about people attending your wedding, don't invite them. You either care enough about them attending that you'll follow an appropriate timeline so that they have an actual idea of what their schedule and financial situation look like, or you don't.

And I agree with what the PP said about your caterer. They need to figure out a way to work within industry standards. If they're actually buying the food for your reception 2 months out, that's probably not ideal....

LtPowers · March 2015

hcole1 said:
If you think that this is inappropriate, could you please explain your reasoning?

The reason that it is inappropriate to send out invitations months in advance is because invitations require a prompt reply, and it is inappropriate to expect firm commitments that far in advance.

Powers &8^]

redoryx · March 2015

My SO has a friend planning a DW wedding where most of the guests will be from OOT. Couple weeks ago, SO got a text from the groom saying "Wedding is [This Date] in [This City.]"

Done. That gives us time to plan and decide if we are able to go without having to fully commit like an invitation would require. Sure, it's not fancy but you could do it as an email with everyone BCC:ed on it. STDs don't have to be expensive or time consuming but in this case it sounds like they might be a good idea in this instance. Plus, that month is kind of crazy. What if someone thinks they aren't able to make it and so RSVP no but in that month determine they can come -- are you going to let them change the RSVP?

hcole1 · March 2015

@redoryx - If someone were to RSVP yes and then later say they couldn't make it, not much I can do there except express my regrets. If someone RSVP's no and then later says their plans changed and now they can make it, it would depend. If I've already provided the final numbers to the caterer and no one who said yes has changed that to a no, I'd have to say sorry, but we've already had to provide final numbers. I'd call them up if someone cancelled after the fact and opened up a spot so to speak. If they change their RSVP before I've provided the numbers to the caterer, then no problem, I'd add them to the list.

Maggie0829 · March 2015

OP, it seems like you are going to do whatever you want so why did you even ask for advice?

hcole1 · March 2015

@Maggie0829 - I was merely answering the previous poster's question regarding what I would do in that situation if I do decide to send them out four months prior to the wedding date.

I felt like the rationale behind sending them 6-8 weeks out is just because that's what you're "supposed" to do but I didn't see the reasoning behind that, so that's why I asked. There's a ton of wedding stuff that people do (and waste money and time on) just because they think you're "supposed" to, but I'd like there to be a good reason behind it (other than a couple of Miss Manners wanna-be's on the internet told me to do something a certain way). I guess I'm still waiting on those good reasons...

mikenberger · March 2015

Fucking tap dancing Christ. Why ask a question if all you're going to do is argue the point? Do whatever you want.

manateehugger · March 2015

hcole1 said:
@Maggie0829 - I was merely answering the previous poster's question regarding what I would do in that situation if I do decide to send them out four months prior to the wedding date.

I felt like the rationale behind sending them 6-8 weeks out is just because that's what you're "supposed" to do but I didn't see the reasoning behind that, so that's why I asked. There's a ton of wedding stuff that people do (and waste money and time on) just because they think you're "supposed" to, but I'd like there to be a good reason behind it (other than a couple of Miss Manners wanna-be's on the internet told me to do something a certain way). I guess I'm still waiting on those good reasons...

Seriously? What is your deal? You ask our advice but call us wannabes? I actually gave you NUMEROUS reasons, but here, I'll list them out again.

1. If you can tell me what you are doing the first weekend in June, I will be impressed. Your guests likely will not know what they are doing in June either. They may have a family event, a vacation, another wedding, etc.

2. It is not appropriate to demand that guests commit to your wedding months in advance. It is also entirely unnecessary, making it even more inappropriate.

3. For your own sake, it is better to put the RSVP deadline as close to the wedding as possible. This will prevent you from having many guests change their RSVP when they find out they cannot make the wedding. IT WILL HELP YOU.

4. People expect wedding invitations to come 6-8 weeks out. It's the general rule and has been for a while, despite TK's crappy advice. Nothing says you can't informally inform people of the date as a head's up.

5. Your caterer is doing something wonky and demonstrating a horrible lack of flexibility. Talk to your caterer and find out why final payment is due so far in advance. Ask when they actually need numbers and whether your payment can be adjusted based on those numbers. Seriously, this is not normal caterer behavior.

But if you think I'm full of crap, just move along. Your abrasiveness and name-calling is entirely uncalled for.

ETA: If you demand RSVPs 3 months out and have paid in full, I guarantee that you will end up paying for MANY meals that are not eaten. No-shows and late RSVP changes are a reality of weddings; if you pay in full based on the numbers 3 months out, be prepared to swallow a lot of lost money that could have been spent on an upgraded bar, additional appetizers, more décor, etc.

hcole1 · March 2015

manateehugger said:

show previous quotes
hcole1 said:
@Maggie0829 - I was merely answering the previous poster's question regarding what I would do in that situation if I do decide to send them out four months prior to the wedding date.

I felt like the rationale behind sending them 6-8 weeks out is just because that's what you're "supposed" to do but I didn't see the reasoning behind that, so that's why I asked. There's a ton of wedding stuff that people do (and waste money and time on) just because they think you're "supposed" to, but I'd like there to be a good reason behind it (other than a couple of Miss Manners wanna-be's on the internet told me to do something a certain way). I guess I'm still waiting on those good reasons...

Seriously? What is your deal? You ask our advice but call us wannabes? I actually gave you NUMEROUS reasons, but here, I'll list them out again.
1. If you can tell me what you are doing the first weekend in June, I will be impressed. Your guests likely will not know what they are doing in June either. They may have a family event, a vacation, another wedding, etc.
My sister's birthday is the 7th, but we've gotten nothing planned at the moment so looks like I'm free. If you'd like to invite me to your event, I'd be happy to RSVP yes. Then I'd decline anything else I was invited to after that because I'd have made plans.
2. It is not appropriate to demand that guests commit to your wedding months in advance. It is also entirely unnecessary, making it even more inappropriate.
I don't think committing to something 2.5-3 months in advance is that unreasonable. There is so much that is dependent on the number of people attending - the catering, table & chair rentals, linens, favors, alcohol for the bar, etc - so it actually makes it a lot easier the sooner you know.
3. For your own sake, it is better to put the RSVP deadline as close to the wedding as possible. This will prevent you from having many guests change their RSVP when they find out they cannot make the wedding. IT WILL HELP YOU.
I appreciate the help, but I think I'll be ok on this. My family and friends overwhelmingly tend to be in the same camp as me when it comes to commitments. And if some last-minute emergency comes up preventing someone from coming, it really doesn't matter when the invitation was sent.
4. People expect wedding invitations to come 6-8 weeks out. It's the general rule and has been for a while, despite TK's crappy advice. Nothing says you can't informally inform people of the date as a head's up.
People also expect that there will be a first dance, cake cutting, bouquet toss, etc but they don't get bent out of shape when you skip those "traditions." I guess I still just don't see why everyone thinks sending wedding invitations earlier is such a huge faux pas. And that's what I was trying to figure out with my original post.
5. Your caterer is doing something wonky and demonstrating a horrible lack of flexibility. Talk to your caterer and find out why final payment is due so far in advance. Ask when they actually need numbers and whether your payment can be adjusted based on those numbers. Seriously, this is not normal caterer behavior.
Not sure why this is either, and I will ask about it, but it truly doesn't seem that unreasonable to me. Obviously they aren't ordering the food that early, but maybe it has more to do with planning other resources such as staffing, dishes/glassware/flatware, etc.
But if you think I'm full of crap, just move along. Your abrasiveness and name-calling is entirely uncalled for. Sorry, didn't realize it was ok for people to be snarky towards me but that reciprocation was frowned upon.
ETA: If you demand RSVPs 3 months out and have paid in full, I guarantee that you will end up paying for MANY meals that are not eaten. No-shows and late RSVP changes are a reality of weddings; if you pay in full based on the numbers 3 months out, be prepared to swallow a lot of lost money that could have been spent on an upgraded bar, additional appetizers, more décor, etc. I've budgeted for 100% attendance for the food costs and have all other areas covered already so this isn't an issue for me.

hcole1 · March 2015

misshart00 said:

Seriously? And I'm the one with bad etiquette around here, huh?

edited by mod

manateehugger · March 2015

You clearly know all the things, so us Miss Manners Wannabes have nothing to teach you. Go forth and trust in your prefect guests who apparently will commit without fail and view your wedding as the end all, be all of the wedding season. Send your invites at four months, and feel victorious in sticking it to us old married hags if it makes you feel better. We'll still be here, not really caring.

Invitation timing?

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Re: Invitation timing?

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