Not Engaged Yet

Living Together before Marriage

2

Re: Living Together before Marriage

  • Did you live with your SO before Marriage? and Why?
    If Yes: Was it a requirement to live together before marriage or even becoming engaged? Did your families approve/disapprove?

    My boyfriend and I bought a house together last year. We have not moved in yet, and currently live separately. I spend at least 4-5 nights a week with my bf (we just rotate at each other's houses ). We will not be engaged when we do move into our house, and are not planning on getting engaged for at least a year after that. For me, it is extremely important for us to live together before making such a lifelong commitment.

    My family doesn't care, and are actually really excited for us. My bf's family is also excited. I have always had open communication with my family, and told my mom when I was looking at houses.

    I think you should tell your family, once you have found a place. They don't need to know while you're looking, but should know once you've decided on a place and date to move, especially since you are currently living with them.

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  • Did you live with your SO before Marriage? and Why? If Yes: Was it a requirement to live together before marriage or even becoming engaged? Did your families approve/disapprove? My boyfriend and I bought a house together last year. We have not moved in yet, and currently live separately. I spend at least 4-5 nights a week with my bf (we just rotate at each other's houses ). We will not be engaged when we do move into our house, and are not planning on getting engaged for at least a year after that. For me, it is extremely important for us to live together before making such a lifelong commitment. My family doesn't care, and are actually really excited for us. My bf's family is also excited. I have always had open communication with my family, and told my mom when I was looking at houses. I think you should tell your family, once you have found a place. They don't need to know while you're looking, but should know once you've decided on a place and date to move, especially since you are currently living with them.
    I'm curious. Are you renting it out? Or is it not ready yet? 
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  • I would definitely recommend living with someone before marriage. My first H and I did not, and I honestly think that if we had, I would have never married him. We also had not lived seperately on our own before, and I think that's important for people to do before moving in with a spouse.

    We didn't live together because his family was against it. Looking back now, I wish we would have gone against their wishes. They would have eventually gotten over it.

    I am currently living with my BF, and we are not enganged/married, and probably won't be for a while. We made the decision to move in together because we were already spending so much time at each others' place that it didn't make sense to pay that much on rent.

    I think living together is a smart move because you get to see all the habits your SO has and you can get used to them over time, and learn to live with them/change them if need be.

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  • cu97tiger said:
     My boyfriend and I bought a house together last year. We have not moved in yet,.
    I'm curious. Are you renting it out? Or is it not ready yet? 
    Not ready.  The house was built in 1931 and needed more work than we initially thought.  We knew it needed work, but it wasn't until we ripped out the paneling that we discovered the previous owner basically did not know how to do any kind of repair (bad wiring, support beams with holes cut out). We just started spackling last week, so I think we'll be ready to move in end of March/beginning of April.  
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  • AuroraRose41AuroraRose41 New York member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2015
    Thank you all so much! The abundance of advice is greatly appreciated. Seeing as we are both financially independent (pay our own bills, car note, pay rent, etc), I do agree that despite my families belief, we should have a say in how we spend our lives. And BF has said that he doesn't want to go breaking up my family just because we want to live together. So taking that into context, I might tell them sooner than later, but i think I will wait until we are at least engaged, that might make them just a tiny bit more comfortable with our decision. And any extra advice is still welcome. Thanks Guys!
    Since you asked - After my ex and I broke up, I would have never moved in with a guy that hadn't lived on his own (apartment or house).  I honestly do feel it is an important part of growing up to live on your own for awhile just so that you do understand all the work that is involved with living on your own - everything from bills to cleaning and just overall taking care of yourself.  That's my view though because I had such a bad experience with my ex moving from home to college to with me - his expectations for me were unrealistic because he always had somebody cleaning up after him.
    This. @Dignity100 is spot on. I lived by myself and so did FI during our first year dating, and it was definitely an eye opening experience for both of us. Of course we visited each other and stayed over at each other's places, but it was nice learning how to be self sufficient and take care of myself. It made moving in together much easier. 

    ETA: FI and I lived without roommates in our own apartments during that first year. 

  • eilis1228eilis1228 Southwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    You've already gotten a ton of responses, but I'll go ahead and add my two cents:
    Part One: I've lived with my FI for almost 3 years now. For me, living with my SO before engagement/marriage was important. My mom in on her third marriage, and she always told me growing up that the reason her marriage to my father failed was because she didn't live with him beforehand. You don't REALLY know someone until you live with them. She always encouraged me to live with a serious boyfriend before taking the next step, and FI and I both agreed with that logic. When we first moved in together, we had other roommates. After a year of living with roommates in a big house, we got our own apartment. 

    Part Two: As stated above, my mom encouraged it. My step-dad didn't care because I'm a grown woman who is financially independent from him. I don't think FI's parents ever objected either, though they are more conservative than my parents. I think after we moved in together they started referring me to as their DIL, so I guess they were supportive lol. I will say though that after we got engaged last summer, FI's grandparents made the comment that we were no longer living in sin. 

    Advice: I agree with most of the PPs here about being cautiously honest with your family. Definitely wait until you have more concrete plans and everything is finalized. I understand your BF's qualms about lying to your parents, but if you really think they're going to react poorly and potentially make your life hell for the next 6 months, just wait until you at least have a lease signed. Living with a SO is a big step, and it can be a game changer in a relationship. You really do learn so much  more about someone when you live with them full time. I wish you two the best of luck!




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  • Hummingbird125Hummingbird125 New York member
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    Thank you all so much! The abundance of advice is greatly appreciated. Seeing as we are both financially independent (pay our own bills, car note, pay rent, etc), I do agree that despite my families belief, we should have a say in how we spend our lives. And BF has said that he doesn't want to go breaking up my family just because we want to live together. So taking that into context, I might tell them sooner than later, but i think I will wait until we are at least engaged, that might make them just a tiny bit more comfortable with our decision. And any extra advice is still welcome. Thanks Guys!
    Since you asked - After my ex and I broke up, I would have never moved in with a guy that hadn't lived on his own (apartment or house).  I honestly do feel it is an important part of growing up to live on your own for awhile just so that you do understand all the work that is involved with living on your own - everything from bills to cleaning and just overall taking care of yourself.  That's my view though because I had such a bad experience with my ex moving from home to college to with me - his expectations for me were unrealistic because he always had somebody cleaning up after him.
    THIS THIS THIS. I lived on my own, without roommates, for a little over two years before moving in with FI (then BF). I learned more about myself in that time than in any other time of my life. I wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING. I understand why some people don't, but I would recommend it to EVERYONE. 
    I agree, however I do consider living with roommates (out of college) to be living on "your own". It's just too expensive to live alone in some areas. I'm definitely not in favor of men or women moving straight from a college dorm or their parents' house to a place they share with their SO.
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  • anidorikiladra .

    As for your parents personally I would be open and honest with them, they are your parents and they have the right to communicate their opinions openly with you (even if you are an adult).  Personally I classify hiding something along with lying.  I would just say "Hey I know you guys aren't going to be happy about this but I want to communicate openly with you that I am planning to move in with my boyfriend." and then work from there with them, communication is key! 

  • @FutureMrsSereda - by "THAT" do you mean sex? Because it's okay to say the word sex. We're all adults here.



    Yeah.

    That whole situation is bizarre to me. I don't really see the point in living alone together if you're choosing not to have sex. That's definitely no way to avoid temptation.


     




  • JennyColadaJennyColada Awesometown, CA member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer

    I however did tell my BF that I want to be engaged before moving in together just because I have sooo many friends that have expected a proposal after living with their BFs and are still waiting years later.

    Maybe that's because living together =/= wanting to marry someone. If you are expecting a proposal simply because you moved in with a partner then, yea, you could be waiting a long time. What makes someone a good life partner doesn't necessarily make them a good roommate and vice versa. Forcing your bf to propose out of some misplaced fear is pretty silly if you ask me. If he wants to marry you then that shouldn't change if or when you live together (and if it does then you two clearly aren't meant to be and better to find out sooner than later).

    Get engaged, don't get engaged, move in together, don't move in together, whatever. Just do it for the right reasons and don't expect something from what it's not.

    [/soapbox]

    DH and I lived together before getting engaged. I've lived with various boyfriends through the years. My parents never cared, and SO's family never seemed to care. I would never have considered planning a wedding with someone that is never lived with.
  • natswildnatswild The F-f-f-rozen N-n-north (Northern Alberta) member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    You've gotten great feedback from PPs.

    My FI and I moved in together 5 months after we started dating, about 7 months after we met, and have been living together for 4 years now.  Living together for us was important, because otherwise we would never have had ANY time together, due to our jobs. We started talking marriage 2 years after I moved in with him.

    Good luck!
  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    @FutureMrsSereda - by "THAT" do you mean sex? Because it's okay to say the word sex. We're all adults here.



    Yeah.

    That whole situation is bizarre to me. I don't really see the point in living alone together if you're choosing not to have sex. That's definitely no way to avoid temptation.


    From a financial situation and even learning how to live together and splitting chores.  I'm guessing it does create more temptation, but I can see that there are some benefits to living together (even without sex/physical aspects to a relationship); it does sound like more roommate type situation.


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  • Yes, we moved in together after 18 months of dating (but we were both serious about getting married). Our families approved for the most part, I think my mom would have rather had us get engaged first, but she loves my SO and also understood that we were serious and planning to get married. Also, we live in NYC and it makes sense financially to share an apartment. For my SO it was definitely a requirement to live together before getting engaged/married. For me, I could have gone either way, but felt it was the right thing for us.
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  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
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    Swazzle said:

    anidorikiladra .

    As for your parents personally I would be open and honest with them, they are your parents and they have the right to communicate their opinions openly with you (even if you are an adult).  Personally I classify hiding something along with lying.  I would just say "Hey I know you guys aren't going to be happy about this but I want to communicate openly with you that I am planning to move in with my boyfriend." and then work from there with them, communication is key! 

    You sound very.... young. 
    Apparently 22.

    Honey, if you're not ready to use that particular three letter word in public, you're not ready to have that particular three letter word in private. 

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  • jenjen047jenjen047 Boston member
    1000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    Part 1:
    Did you live with your SO before Marriage? and Why?
    If Yes: Was it a requirement to live together before marriage or even becoming engaged? Did your families approve/disapprove?
    If No: What was your reasoning (religious, just didn't want to, etc.)

    Part 2:
    So some background story...My BF and I have been together for almost 2 years in March (YAY!), and plan to get an apartment later on this year.  We both currently live at home w/ our parents by choice to save money. My family believes that a couple should not live together before they are married, POINT BLANK PERIOD. His family is a lot more relaxed and doesn't really care what we do as long as we're happy. So as of right now, his family is aware of my plans but mine aren't. My family knows I plan to move out this year, they just don't know its with him. I'm one who doesn't necessarily play by the rules and I'm going to do what I want to do regardless of what others think. I however did tell my BF that I want to be engaged before moving in together just because I have sooo many friends that have expected a proposal after living with their BFs and are still waiting years later.

    The other day, we were discussing our finances and where exactly we want to move when he tells  me that I need to let my family know of our plans. Now, I dont plan to keep them in the dark about this up until the day we move out, I'm going to tell them, just within a month or two of us ACTUALLY moving out. He however feels that I need to tell them now. I have already made up my mind that this is what i am going to do, so the time of me telling them wont change anything, but I would rather have a few weeks of them criticizing and trying to change my mind than them doing it for half a year. Am I wrong for withholding this from them and should I just take my BFs advice and tell them now?

    Part 1: Yes, we live together now (not engaged yet). We both agreed early on we would want to live together before getting engaged. Our families both approve. My mom has actually said in the past she would be uncomfortable with me getting engaged to someone I hadn't lived with.

    Part 2: I agree with PP that BF probably wants you to tell them sooner because he doesn't want them to think negatively on him (that he was encouraging you to go behind their backs, etc). But I also agree with your perspective of wanting to wait. I think you and BF need to have a conversation about where you both stand on this issue and then come to a compromise. As for actually telling your parents, I suggest just having a straightforward conversation with your parents and saying "BF and I feel that living together is an important step for us to continue to solidify our commitment to each other and we plan to get an apartment together later this year. We hope you can support us taking this step together."

    I get so aggravated when I hear about parents throwing fits when their kids decide to live with a SO before marriage. Children grow up and if you raised them right then you should trust that they can make good choices as an adult.


    Maybe I don't get it at all because I'm not religious and my parents are not conservative.
    THIS.
  • Just because I was raised in a conservative Christian environment doesn't mean that I'm too young to get married.  She asked for advice and I gave her some based on my experience.  The whole point in this community is to be supportive of each other, not to attack one another based on their beliefs or their living situation (especially when they didn't ask for an opinion).  If you hold onto your values strong enough it's more than easy to avoid temptation, we live together because it seemed silly to us to pay $800/month in rent each when a mortgage on a home would only be $500/month (and homes in the area we wanted to live in that price range don't come up very often).  Not to mention there are LOADS of different things you learn about someone while living with them that have NOTHING to do with having sex.  If you haven't grown up in our situation then how can you judge someone who has?  If this works for us why is it okay for people like you to make fun of it?  I have the right to give advice to people just like you do.  It's not okay to bully people.  So what if I didn't want to type the word sex?  Is that really that big of a deal to you people that you have to make multiple comments about it?  There are definitely some people who need to grow up around here however I am not one of them.

    bethsmileslavenderfields13mikenbergerDignity100SwazzleGoldenPenguin

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    Just because I was raised in a conservative Christian environment doesn't mean that I'm too young to get married.  She asked for advice and I gave her some based on my experience.  The whole point in this community is to be supportive of each other, not to attack one another based on their beliefs or their living situation (especially when they didn't ask for an opinion).  If you hold onto your values strong enough it's more than easy to avoid temptation, we live together because it seemed silly to us to pay $800/month in rent each when a mortgage on a home would only be $500/month (and homes in the area we wanted to live in that price range don't come up very often).  Not to mention there are LOADS of different things you learn about someone while living with them that have NOTHING to do with having sex.  If you haven't grown up in our situation then how can you judge someone who has?  If this works for us why is it okay for people like you to make fun of it?  I have the right to give advice to people just like you do.  It's not okay to bully people.  So what if I didn't want to type the word sex?  Is that really that big of a deal to you people that you have to make multiple comments about it?  There are definitely some people who need to grow up around here however I am not one of them.

    bethsmileslavenderfields13mikenbergerDignity100SwazzleGoldenPenguin

    OMG, chill out! All I said was it was okay to say the word sex. Nobody gives a shit if you are having sex or not. People were just poking fun and your apparent inability to just say the word which (and maybe you aren't aware of this) but avoiding saying it makes you sound extremely immature. You are an adult, sex isn't a naughty word, there's zero reason for you to put "THAT" instead of sex.


    eilis1228morphemesspeakeasy14[Deleted User]
  • edited March 2015

    Just because I was raised in a conservative Christian environment doesn't mean that I'm too young to get married.  She asked for advice and I gave her some based on my experience.  The whole point in this community is to be supportive of each other, not to attack one another based on their beliefs or their living situation (especially when they didn't ask for an opinion).  If you hold onto your values strong enough it's more than easy to avoid temptation, we live together because it seemed silly to us to pay $800/month in rent each when a mortgage on a home would only be $500/month (and homes in the area we wanted to live in that price range don't come up very often).  Not to mention there are LOADS of different things you learn about someone while living with them that have NOTHING to do with having sex.  If you haven't grown up in our situation then how can you judge someone who has?  If this works for us why is it okay for people like you to make fun of it?  I have the right to give advice to people just like you do.  It's not okay to bully people.  So what if I didn't want to type the word sex?  Is that really that big of a deal to you people that you have to make multiple comments about it?  There are definitely some people who need to grow up around here however I am not one of them.

    bethsmileslavenderfields13mikenbergerDignity100SwazzleGoldenPenguin

    Just because I was raised in a conservative Christian environment doesn't mean that I'm too young to get married.  She asked for advice and I gave her some based on my experience.  The whole point in this community is to be supportive of each other, not to attack one another based on their beliefs or their living situation (especially when they didn't ask for an opinion).  If you hold onto your values strong enough it's more than easy to avoid temptation, we live together because it seemed silly to us to pay $800/month in rent each when a mortgage on a home would only be $500/month (and homes in the area we wanted to live in that price range don't come up very often).  Not to mention there are LOADS of different things you learn about someone while living with them that have NOTHING to do with having sex.  If you haven't grown up in our situation then how can you judge someone who has?  If this works for us why is it okay for people like you to make fun of it?  I have the right to give advice to people just like you do.  It's not okay to bully people.  So what if I didn't want to type the word sex?  Is that really that big of a deal to you people that you have to make multiple comments about it?  There are definitely some people who need to grow up around here however I am not one of them.

    bethsmileslavenderfields13mikenbergerDignity100SwazzleGoldenPenguin



    First time in my life I've ever been called a bully- if that's why I was tagged. Judgmental, yes I know I am that. True, I have no idea what it's like to grow up like that but I'm glad I don't because now I can enjoy guilt free premarital SEX.


    ETA: I don't mean to offend anyone on this board who is or did abstain from sex. I just don't like the 'holier than thou' attitude some people who do wait have about it. I always feel like there's some people who are judging people like myself who aren't "putting Christ first".

     




    thespeshulestsnowflakenycgal85parkera92
  • Just because I was raised in a conservative Christian environment doesn't mean that I'm too young to get married.  She asked for advice and I gave her some based on my experience.  The whole point in this community is to be supportive of each other, not to attack one another based on their beliefs or their living situation (especially when they didn't ask for an opinion).  If you hold onto your values strong enough it's more than easy to avoid temptation, we live together because it seemed silly to us to pay $800/month in rent each when a mortgage on a home would only be $500/month (and homes in the area we wanted to live in that price range don't come up very often).  Not to mention there are LOADS of different things you learn about someone while living with them that have NOTHING to do with having sex.  If you haven't grown up in our situation then how can you judge someone who has?  If this works for us why is it okay for people like you to make fun of it?  I have the right to give advice to people just like you do.  It's not okay to bully people.  So what if I didn't want to type the word sex?  Is that really that big of a deal to you people that you have to make multiple comments about it?  There are definitely some people who need to grow up around here however I am not one of them.

    bethsmileslavenderfields13mikenbergerDignity100SwazzleGoldenPenguin

    Just because I was raised in a conservative Christian environment doesn't mean that I'm too young to get married.  She asked for advice and I gave her some based on my experience.  The whole point in this community is to be supportive of each other, not to attack one another based on their beliefs or their living situation (especially when they didn't ask for an opinion).  If you hold onto your values strong enough it's more than easy to avoid temptation, we live together because it seemed silly to us to pay $800/month in rent each when a mortgage on a home would only be $500/month (and homes in the area we wanted to live in that price range don't come up very often).  Not to mention there are LOADS of different things you learn about someone while living with them that have NOTHING to do with having sex.  If you haven't grown up in our situation then how can you judge someone who has?  If this works for us why is it okay for people like you to make fun of it?  I have the right to give advice to people just like you do.  It's not okay to bully people.  So what if I didn't want to type the word sex?  Is that really that big of a deal to you people that you have to make multiple comments about it?  There are definitely some people who need to grow up around here however I am not one of them.

    bethsmileslavenderfields13mikenbergerDignity100SwazzleGoldenPenguin



    First time in my life I've ever been called a bully- if that's why I was tagged. Judgmental, yes I know I am that. True, I have no idea what it's like to grow up like that but I'm glad I don't because now I can enjoy guilt free premarital SEX.


    ETA: I don't mean to offend anyone on this board who is or did abstain from sex. I just don't like the 'holier than thou' attitude some people who do wait have about it. I always feel like there's some people who are judging people like myself who aren't "putting Christ first".

    Welcome to the Knottie Bully club!!!


    lavenderfields13
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Happy Monday All,

    This is going to be a two part post...

    Part 1:
    Did you live with your SO before Marriage? and Why?  Yes. Why, because we wanted to.

    If Yes: Was it a requirement to live together before marriage or even becoming engaged?  No 

    Did your families approve/disapprove?   Not sure.  Never asked.   I owned my own condo, if I wanted DH to move it that was my business, not their's.   MIL is pretty liberal. She allowed DH to have girlfriends sleep overnight in his room back in HS.  She provide condoms to him and his friends. So I'm fairly certain she didn't care. But again never asked for approve to know.


    If No: What was your reasoning (religious, just didn't want to, etc.)

    Part 2:
     Am I wrong for withholding this from them and should I just take my BFs advice and tell them now?       Everyone has different family dynamics.   I will say that my future husbands feelings over the subject would mean more to me than my parents. So if he wanted to tell them I think I would at least up the timeline a bit.  







    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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