Small Rant - And Some Good

loveislouder · March 2015

Good news first - I got my thank you cards out last night for my shower that was on Sunday. Hopefully after my next shower I can be just as speedy.

Now the rant. FMIL is an amazing person. She's great. But she has controlling tendencies and last night I got really pissed off and yelled at FI to control his mother.

She came over last night for dinner with her boyfriend. Boyfriend and FI put together our new bed frame from Ikea (I took one look at it and nope lol). I finished my thank you cards so I wanted to go to the post office to stamp and send them off. I got back and she had rearranged our living room. Piss me off.

The boys finish the the bed frame so FMIL and boyfriend go home. I got upstairs to go to bed and the bed is in the middle of the bedroom. I was like "My love... why is the bed in the middle of the room?" "Mom liked it better there." Cue me yelling at him about how this is our house and why does his mother get to dictate where our bed goes?

So I yelled some more and then didn't sleep and now I'm cranky and am not able to do anything goo at work.

emmaaa · March 2015

Well, good job on getting those TY notes out so timely!

I'm sorry that your FMIL is so controlling and meddling. My MIL can be the same way. When we moved into our first house, H's family helped us moved, which was great. what wasn't great was MIL tyring to tell me how to arrange everything. I would put something down and she would move it. Then I would move it back and she would move it aagin. Eventually I had to look at her and say, "Please stop moving our stuff, I want it to be where I put it."

mikenberger · March 2015

loveislouder said:
Good news first - I got my thank you cards out last night for my shower that was on Sunday. Hopefully after my next shower I can be just as speedy.

Now the rant. FMIL is an amazing person. She's great. But she has controlling tendencies and last night I got really pissed off and yelled at FI to control his mother.

She came over last night for dinner with her boyfriend. Boyfriend and FI put together our new bed frame from Ikea (I took one look at it and nope lol). I finished my thank you cards so I wanted to go to the post office to stamp and send them off. I got back and she had rearranged our living room. Piss me off.

The boys finish the the bed frame so FMIL and boyfriend go home. I got upstairs to go to bed and the bed is in the middle of the bedroom. I was like "My love... why is the bed in the middle of the room?" "Mom liked it better there." Cue me yelling at him about how this is our house and why does his mother get to dictate where our bed goes?

So I yelled some more and then didn't sleep and now I'm cranky and am not able to do anything goo at work.

The bed... is in the middle of the room? Hmm. That's interesting.

I would be super annoyed as well though. Don't touch my stuff, man. And it's in my house. So it's all my stuff (Well our stuff). I'm sure she doesn't even give it a second thought though, so she's not trying to be malicious or annoying. She just does it. Sounds like FI needs to have a boundaries talk with her.

loveislouder · March 2015

You're both right for sure. I'm just feeling super guilty for yelling at FI when it really wasn't entirely his fault. This girl has some I'm sorry cookies to make.

climbingsingle · March 2015

I feel your pain, girl. My MIL is super overbearing.

mikenberger · March 2015

climbingwife said:
I feel your pain, girl. My MIL is super overbearing.

Mine is SO hands off, it's painful.

"... do you want to go dress shopping with my mom and I?"

"Well, I would feel uncomfortable wearing a dress. The mother of the bride is suppose to shine and I don't want to intrude on your day."

"... do you want to go my dress fitting with me?"

"Isn't your Mom supposed to go? I don't want to step on any toes."

"... what do you think about this for the house?"

"I don't know. What do you think?"

Rinse. Repeat.

flutteringinfl · March 2015

The middle of the room almost seems passive aggressive to me. I mean, it doesn't sound like she meant it that way, but it reminds me of a Babysitter's Club book I read where Mallory goes off to boarding school and gets a terrible roommate who eventually goes nuts and rearranges the bedroom so that her bed is in a corner and Mallory's is in the middle of the room.

lovemesomemonster · March 2015

Ha, totally feel you on this one! Except it's my mom.. love her and she always has my best interest at heart but whenever she leaves after staying at my house it takes me about a month to find everything in my kitchen again! This summer she stayed here with a friend while I was gone to Singapore for 5 weeks (we live in a vaca spot so it was a weekend trip for them) and then my aunt and uncle stayed here while I was gone on the same trip.. Between the two of them I couldn't find ANYTHING in my kitchen!!!

novella1186 · March 2015

Luckily my FMIL is fairly hands off (not entirely, but it's not bad so far). But my own mother.... oh my gad. I feel bad for FI.

She insisted on helping move stuff into the new apartment I got after college. I made it clear to her that I needed to organize it myself (I'm super uptight about how my stuff is organized and where it goes). I'm outside getting boxes out of the truck, and by the time I walk into my apartment (like 2 minutes later) she has arranged the furniture in my living room. And she did stupid shit, like put my nightstand next to my couch, and put my WINE RACK on the nightstand as a decoration. Ugh.

I totally feel for you. That shit gets on my nerves so bad.

In fact the one time FMIL did meddle a bit was when FI and I moved into our house together. She started unpacking my boxes, and put all my office-related stuff in a desk that I don't use as an office desk, and fucking organized all the drawers. I appreciated that she wanted to help, but the second she was out the door I removed all the drawers and dumped them upside down in the middle of the room.

Don't. Try. To. Organize. My. Shit. Makes my eye twitch.

lyndausvi · March 2015

See, I don't see the point in yelling at your FI for something your FMIL did.

She rearranged your living room. I would have said something like "while appreciate your input we prefer the living room "x" way" in a firm voice that states this is my house, my way.

When I went to bed and saw the room in the middle I would have said ..... well I first would have said "WTF?" then I would have discussed with him where I would prefer the bed to go.

Putting a bed in the middle of the room is a little odd. But it's so fixable I don't see why your FI was yelled out to the point you couldn't sleep?

I guess it's easy for me because my MIL isn't overbearing (for the record she has never once stepped foot in our home. Ever.)

However, my parents have moved a shit ton. They are the moving experts. They are the organizational experts. They have some strong opinions and have no problem expressing them. DH and I sometimes use their suggestions. Sometimes we just smile and rearrange after they leave. At no time does DH yell at me for taking my dad's suggestion when he wasn't around. If he doesn't like the suggestion we change it. NDB.

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

Had y'all decided where the bed would go before it was set up? If so and he just did whatever his mom said, then I can see why you yelled at him - because he let his mom override a decision y'all made ahead of time. But if not, your anger on him is misplaced.

He definitely needs to put her in her place and let her know y'all are going to stop inviting her over if she tries to rearrange your shit. I can't believe she took it upon herself to walk into someone's house and rearrange their LR. This is obviously a woman with no boundaries who's been able to do whatever she wants for a long time. Your FI needs to talk to her and shut it down. In "we" form. Not in "loveislouder" form.

loveislouder · March 2015

lyndausvi said:
See, I don't see the point in yelling at your FI for something your FMIL did.

She rearranged your living room. I would have said something like "while appreciate your input we prefer the living room "x" way" in a firm voice that states this is my house, my way.

When I went to bed and saw the room in the middle I would have said ..... well I first would have said "WTF?" then I would have discussed with him where I would prefer the bed to go.

Putting a bed in the middle of the room is a little odd. But it's so fixable I don't see why your FI was yelled out to the point you couldn't sleep?

I guess it's easy for me because my MIL isn't overbearing (for the record she has never once stepped foot in our home. Ever.)

However, my parents have moved a shit ton. They are the moving experts. They are the organizational experts. They have some strong opinions and have no problem expressing them. DH and I sometimes use their suggestions. Sometimes we just smile and rearrange after they leave. At no time does DH yell at me for taking my dad's suggestion when he wasn't around. If he doesn't like the suggestion we change it. NDB.

Oh I totally understand I was being a tad unreasonable lol. It would be fixable... but we can't lift it. I'm a weakling. So my brother is going to come and move it tonight (hopefully.)

Couggal12 · March 2015

I understand how you feel about your FMIL. My MIL is very vocal about how she feels and isn't afraid to tell you. H has has to talk to her many times to get her to be reasonable.

levioosa · March 2015

SO's Mom brings over anti-vax and anti-abortion pamplets all the time and just leaves them on the coffee table. I throw them away, or if she says anything directly to me I tell her I'm going to vaccinate my children because it is dumb and harmful not to. She's stopped trying to say anything to me.

Now, my Mom has the FMIL from hell. My Dad's mom is just an awful person. When they were newlyweds she used to come over to their house and rearrange all of their furniture and drawers every fucking day. We're talking all of the kitchen cabinets, underwear and clothing in the bedroom, everything. My Mom told her it wasn't okay, and it didn't work. My Dad didn't think it was that bad, and even when it was awkward, nobody stood up to his mom. (My Dad's mom is crazy controlling, manipulative and narcissistic). So finally my Mom stopped putting any effort into cleaning the house. She let it become a pig stye, and when my Dad's mom finally said something in an effort to make my Mom feel bad, my Mom responded, "Oh, I just figured you would do it. You've been such a great housekeeper the last few months I figured I'd never have to do anything ever again." That was the last time my Dad's mom came over, cleaned, and rearranged things.

What did your FI say about it?

larrygaga · March 2015

Damn dude just slide the furniture back where you want it no need to yell. Moms are fucking weird.

I think you overreacted.

I mean it takes like 15% effort and ten seconds to move a piece of furniture. If she moves it again tell her to stop. Don't yell at your fi.

If this is what you lose sleep over than I want your problems.

loveislouder · March 2015

southernbelle0915 said:
Had y'all decided where the bed would go before it was set up? If so and he just did whatever his mom said, then I can see why you yelled at him - because he let his mom override a decision y'all made ahead of time. But if not, your anger on him is misplaced.

He definitely needs to put her in her place and let her know y'all are going to stop inviting her over if she tries to rearrange your shit. I can't believe she took it upon herself to walk into someone's house and rearrange their LR. This is obviously a woman with no boundaries who's been able to do whatever she wants for a long time. Your FI needs to talk to her and shut it down. In "we" form. Not in "loveislouder" form.

We have lived in the house for almost a year and our bed has always been in the same place so it's not like we actively said "lets make sure the bed stays right here." but it was insinuated, you know?

Sugargirl1019 · March 2015

But your FI was standing there when his mom said "put it here". He moved it to where she wanted. He should have said "no mom that is not where loveislouder wants it". Or even "I don't think my future wife would like it there!"

It's that he allowed his mom to make decisions for him. I get you, OP. I would be super frustrated at both parties.

loveislouder · March 2015

levioosa said:
SO's Mom brings over anti-vax and anti-abortion pamplets all the time and just leaves them on the coffee table. I throw them away, or if she says anything directly to me I tell her I'm going to vaccinate my children because it is dumb and harmful not to. She's stopped trying to say anything to me.

Now, my Mom has the FMIL from hell. My Dad's mom is just an awful person. When they were newlyweds she used to come over to their house and rearrange all of their furniture and drawers every fucking day. We're talking all of the kitchen cabinets, underwear and clothing in the bedroom, everything. My Mom told her it wasn't okay, and it didn't work. My Dad didn't think it was that bad, and even when it was awkward, nobody stood up to his mom. (My Dad's mom is crazy controlling, manipulative and narcissistic). So finally my Mom stopped putting any effort into cleaning the house. She let it become a pig stye, and when my Dad's mom finally said something in an effort to make my Mom feel bad, my Mom responded, "Oh, I just figured you would do it. You've been such a great housekeeper the last few months I figured I'd never have to do anything ever again." That was the last time my Dad's mom came over, cleaned, and rearranged things.

What did your FI say about it?

To the bolded - WTF. That's just... No. FI says he feels bad she moved the furniture and he'll talk to her about that but he didn't realize the bed thing was going to be such an issue.

loveislouder · March 2015

larrygaga said:
Damn dude just slide the furniture back where you want it no need to yell. Moms are fucking weird.

I think you overreacted.

I mean it takes like 15% effort and ten seconds to move a piece of furniture. If she moves it again tell her to stop. Don't yell at your fi.

If this is what you lose sleep over than I want your problems.

Oh the living room furniture is going back to normal. No problem there. We just can't move the bed frame because it's too heavy for FI and I to move. The conversation started "Hey babe, why is the bed in the middle of the room? That's dumb. Help me move it." And when we couldn't move it I got mad. I understand what you're saying. That being said, I didn't lose sleep because FMIL told him where to put the bed. I lost sleep because of my sleeping habits - I need my pillows against the wall a certain way and the light from the window was directly in my eyes and it was all around a bad situation.

lyndausvi · March 2015

loveislouder said:
Had y'all decided where the bed would go before it was set up? If so and he just did whatever his mom said, then I can see why you yelled at him - because he let his mom override a decision y'all made ahead of time. But if not, your anger on him is misplaced.

He definitely needs to put her in her place and let her know y'all are going to stop inviting her over if she tries to rearrange your shit. I can't believe she took it upon herself to walk into someone's house and rearrange their LR. This is obviously a woman with no boundaries who's been able to do whatever she wants for a long time. Your FI needs to talk to her and shut it down. In "we" form. Not in "loveislouder" form.

We have lived in the house for almost a year and our bed has always been in the same place so it's not like we actively said "lets make sure the bed stays right here." but it was insinuated, you know?

Not in my world.

I like to move furniture around. No better time then when you get new furniture to see if there are other options.

Sometimes I've found a new options. Others... well lets just say there was more moving then I wanted to do in one day.

DH has left for a normal 8 hours shift at work to come to a completely different setup in a room.

novella1186 · March 2015

Next time I went to her house I'd just start moving her shit around. "This table looks stupid in the kitchen. It should definitely be in the hallway. Ew, you put your couch in the wrong place. Let me show you where that lamp should be."

Probably don't do that IRL. It could only cause more problems. But aren't you tempted? I would be.

VulgarGirl · March 2015

My mother is still trying to get me to move my couch. It should be along that wall. Why mom? Because that's the longest wall in the room. Yes and? They say your couch should be along the longest wall. Who is they mom? Well I heard it on a decorating show. OK mom, when the couch police drop by and arrest me, you can tell me you told me so, until then the couch stays where it is.

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

levioosa said:
SO's Mom brings over anti-vax and anti-abortion pamplets all the time and just leaves them on the coffee table.

Um, wut? That's awful.

You should start leaving planned parenthood and pro-vax pamphlets on her nightstand, in her bathroom drawer, taped inside the kitchen cupboard, in the pocket of her coat, buried in the dog food, under the couch cushion, her in book, under her keyboard, scrolled up in her coffee cup, taped to "April" on her calendar, in her suitcase... see how she likes it then.

levioosa · March 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

levioosa said:
SO's Mom brings over anti-vax and anti-abortion pamplets all the time and just leaves them on the coffee table.
Um, wut? That's awful.

You should start leaving planned parenthood and pro-vax pamphlets on her nightstand, in her bathroom drawer, taped inside the kitchen cupboard, in the pocket of her coat, buried in the dog food, under the couch cushion, her in book, under her keyboard, scrolled up in her coffee cup, taped to "April" on her calendar, in her suitcase... see how she likes it then.

Haha, she doesn't say much to me anymore since I exploded at her the day she told me not to vaccinate because they use aborted babies in the vaccinations. I have no fucking clue where she gets her "scientific" information from. The pamphlets are also meant to be for her daughter as much as for me and SO. I'm just lucky she doesn't come straight out and ask me if I'm on BC (the horror and sin of it!) like she does to SO's sister.

VulgarGirl · March 2015

levioosa said:

southernbelle0915 said:

levioosa said:
SO's Mom brings over anti-vax and anti-abortion pamplets all the time and just leaves them on the coffee table.
Um, wut? That's awful.

You should start leaving planned parenthood and pro-vax pamphlets on her nightstand, in her bathroom drawer, taped inside the kitchen cupboard, in the pocket of her coat, buried in the dog food, under the couch cushion, her in book, under her keyboard, scrolled up in her coffee cup, taped to "April" on her calendar, in her suitcase... see how she likes it then.
Haha, she doesn't say much to me anymore since I exploded at her the day she told me not to vaccinate because they use aborted babies in the vaccinations. I have no fucking clue where she gets her "scientific" information from. The pamphlets are also meant to be for her daughter as much as for me and SO. I'm just lucky she doesn't come straight out and ask me if I'm on BC (the horror and sin of it!) like she does to SO's sister.

I've had someone tell me that too!

I think it was because they used stemcells or something? I dunno...I heard the stupid and left.

JaniV123 · March 2015

mikenberger said:

climbingwife said:
I feel your pain, girl. My MIL is super overbearing.
Mine is SO hands off, it's painful.
"... do you want to go dress shopping with my mom and I?"
"Well, I would feel uncomfortable wearing a dress. The mother of the bride is suppose to shine and I don't want to intrude on your day."
"... do you want to go my dress fitting with me?"
"Isn't your Mom supposed to go? I don't want to step on any toes."
"... what do you think about this for the house?"
"I don't know. What do you think?"

Rinse. Repeat.

My FMIL is this way too. She gives us lots of space and such and sometimes I just want to bond with her and nope

KatieinBkln · March 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

levioosa said:
SO's Mom brings over anti-vax and anti-abortion pamplets all the time and just leaves them on the coffee table.
Um, wut? That's awful.

You should start leaving planned parenthood and pro-vax pamphlets on her nightstand, in her bathroom drawer, taped inside the kitchen cupboard, in the pocket of her coat, buried in the dog food, under the couch cushion, her in book, under her keyboard, scrolled up in her coffee cup, taped to "April" on her calendar, in her suitcase... see how she likes it then.

I mean, I have always found that my mind can be changed completely with a properly deployed pamphlet.

levioosa · March 2015

KatieinBkln said:

southernbelle0915 said:

levioosa said:
SO's Mom brings over anti-vax and anti-abortion pamplets all the time and just leaves them on the coffee table.
Um, wut? That's awful.

You should start leaving planned parenthood and pro-vax pamphlets on her nightstand, in her bathroom drawer, taped inside the kitchen cupboard, in the pocket of her coat, buried in the dog food, under the couch cushion, her in book, under her keyboard, scrolled up in her coffee cup, taped to "April" on her calendar, in her suitcase... see how she likes it then.
I mean, I have always found that my mind can be changed completely with a properly deployed pamphlet.

Obviously. Picketing meant to shame me is a close second.

novella1186 · March 2015

levioosa said:

KatieinBkln said:

southernbelle0915 said:

levioosa said:
SO's Mom brings over anti-vax and anti-abortion pamplets all the time and just leaves them on the coffee table.
Um, wut? That's awful.

You should start leaving planned parenthood and pro-vax pamphlets on her nightstand, in her bathroom drawer, taped inside the kitchen cupboard, in the pocket of her coat, buried in the dog food, under the couch cushion, her in book, under her keyboard, scrolled up in her coffee cup, taped to "April" on her calendar, in her suitcase... see how she likes it then.
I mean, I have always found that my mind can be changed completely with a properly deployed pamphlet.
Obviously. Picketing meant to shame me is a close second.

I went to a conservative college apparently. Every spring, a church group would set up a huge "cemetery" in our main quad for all the aborted babies, and they'd chase you down and give you pamphlets.

allispain · March 2015

novella1186 said:

levioosa said:

KatieinBkln said:

southernbelle0915 said:

levioosa said:
SO's Mom brings over anti-vax and anti-abortion pamplets all the time and just leaves them on the coffee table.
Um, wut? That's awful.

You should start leaving planned parenthood and pro-vax pamphlets on her nightstand, in her bathroom drawer, taped inside the kitchen cupboard, in the pocket of her coat, buried in the dog food, under the couch cushion, her in book, under her keyboard, scrolled up in her coffee cup, taped to "April" on her calendar, in her suitcase... see how she likes it then.
I mean, I have always found that my mind can be changed completely with a properly deployed pamphlet.
Obviously. Picketing meant to shame me is a close second.
I went to a conservative college apparently. Every spring, a church group would set up a huge "cemetery" in our main quad for all the aborted babies, and they'd chase you down and give you pamphlets.

We had that too. Drove me nuts. Ours was in front of the library - I have a feeling the library didn't get much use that week, because so many people I know talked about how they felt harassed whenever they went by.

[Deleted User] · March 2015

Go to her house and rearrange shit. See if she likes it. Only do this if having a polite conversation doesn't get the job done.

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