I agree, especially if there is any uncertainty, that it is not polite to ask a woman if she's pregnant or to make comments to someone who isn't pregnant about becoming pregnant since you don't know their circumstances.
Given the responses above, though, this will be an UO. I'm nine months pregnant now. I am (when not pregnant) a thin person; and now just look like a normal person with a huge basketball under my shirt, so its totally obvious I'm very pregnant. I actually think it's pretty nice and it makes my day when I'm so uncomfortable and ready to have this baby that strangers see me and go out of their way to hold doors or elevators for me when they see me slowly waddling down the hall, let me on the bus first or kindly ask with a smile how I'm feeling or offer up a non-judgmental anecdote about how they are happy for me because they remember how exciting it was when they had kids.
Clearly not everyone has a baby in happy circumstances; however, I do think it's nice when people try to say or do something nice for someone who is obviously pregnant. I think that people generally are doing it in a way that they're happy or excited for someone who is pregnant and want to wish them well.
Though again, I would say its better to err on the side of caution and if there is ambiguity not to say anything at all.
I just had this conversation with a pregnant (now momma!) friend. We work in New York City where it is common courtesy to offer your subway seat to the elderly, disabled, and pregnant women. She said sometimes people are really awkward about offering their seats (or not) but mostly she's just grateful.
I often feel a little awkward about offering outright because I don't want to insinuate I think you're pregnant or old or feeble or whatever. I also frequently offer my seat to people with young children, which is less awkward.
My solution: I try to make some eye contact with the person, and just get up and stand to the side. Same thing with holding doors or whatever. Just do the nice thing. No need to discuss why.
I'm in NYC too and subscribe to the same subway seating hierarchy. My worst anxiety though comes not from standing up for an obviously pregnant woman, like @sunset30, where there is no mistaking, but for getting up for the elderly. Don't misunderstand, I have no problem giving my seat up for the elderly but I often wonder where to draw the line. Someone offered their seat to my mom recently, who is a sprightly, silver-haired, 60-something and she was totally crestfallen. I have adopted a new strategy if I'm unsure - I just stand up and look like I'm preparing to get off at the next stop. Haha.
@sunset30, what you've said makes sense as well & it's nice to hear your perspective. I think the people I was really thinking of when I wrote this are the ones you reference in your first paragraph, where there is uncertainty. I would still never ask or discuss a pregnancy that hadn't been brought up to me first but I wouldn't hesitate to hold the door for you! Hope you have a very healthy & easy delivery.
I was just asked if I was pregnant a few weeks ago for the first (and hopefully last) time! A coworker said she'd heard it from our boss, and I saw on her computer screen that she was IMing another coworker about it!? The other coworker had written that I don't look pregnant which might be the only thing that kept me from crying hahah. I just said "nope!" and shrugged it off but now I can't stop wondering if there's a rumour spreading. I might just do a keg-stand in the break room to put it to rest.
When I'm very pregnant there's no mistaking it. I look like I swallowed a basketball and the rest of me is tiny. I never even change underwear sizes!
But at the beginning I don't want people to ask either unless we're close.
The day I found out I was expecting my daughter I actually came on here asking for advice because DH and I were going out to celebrate my 30th birthday and I was originally planning to drink. It was VERY hard deflecting when friends knew we were trying, it was MY party so I was the center of attention and I didn't look pregnant at all. In that case, I just said we were being careful but they all knew. And frankly, if something bad happened, those are the people that I would WANT to find out.
That's different from being in a similar situation 3 weeks later but on a business trip and hearing a customer's wife ask if I was pregnant and that's why I wasn't drinking. It's very hard to say to a client's wife, "How is that any of your business?" Everyone is meaning well even if it's inappropriate.
3 years ago, someone asked my FI if I was pregnant. Apparently. FI's buddy's wife (who's a cheating whore and got divorced, didn't like her) was told by someone who was told by someone who I have never spoken to. FI immediately said "You're not pregnant, right?" because he knew he'd be the first to know. He wanted to ask just to clear the air. I said of course not and laughed it off, then later got really upset because it hurt since I'm self conscious.
I don't know why someone I haven't spoken to talked about me to people I don't talk to. Just seems like a waste of breath. It just proved them wrong 9 months later when I was still baby free, anyway.
@jcbride2015 and @onefootinthebayou - I'm in Chicago and we have a similar thing on the buses where you're supposed to give up your seat for the elderly, disabled, or pregnant. It definitely doesn't always happen but especially at 7 - 9 months pregnant it is definitely appreciated when someone does. I'm generally a very fit person (when not pregnant and through the first months) ran 3-6 miles a few times a week, lift weights, etc.) and its amazing how many aches you can have carrying a small person inside.For me personally at least, the comfort of sitting down at this stage definitely outweighs any pride I have about being weak or whatever. And I'm not one at all who would ask someone to give up a seat and would instead suffer standing in pain - so the gesture definitely is appreciated! I like JC bride's strategy of slyly getting up (though at the same time there is often some rude young guy or something that just takes the seat before I can get to it if someone doesn't offer it directly to me - ugh!)
@banana468 - I totally agree, especially in the first / early second trimesters where you can't outwardly tell it is pretty awkward for someone to ask. We didn't even tell anyone (except our parents and siblings) til the second trimester.
I think it is a common sense thing - I think it's totally fine (and even nice) when its completely obvious someone is pregnant in the third trimester and about to pop to make a nice gesture or offer well wishes. If there is ambiguity or something, best to be silent or do something like JCbride suggests like pretending to get off at the next stop. Its a bit of a balancing act, that as a society we shouldn't be so overly careful to never ever do anything nice or say something nice to someone visibly pregnant (or elderly) because there is a risk of potentially offending them.
And one of the only times I was asked by a stranger if I was pregnant was when I wasn't - and it had been NINE MONTHS since I gave birth. I still had a pooch and I was not feeling great about my body and wanted to say to the person, "No I'm not pregnant. FUCK YOU!"
Instead, when she said, "Are you having a baby?!?!" I said "Yes! NINE MONTHS AGO!!"
It happened when I was shopping and if she was an employee I would have contacted corporate about the need for sensitivity training. FFS, people buying clothing can hate it enough. The last thing they need is to feel fat.
In general, making comments about a person's physical appearance is never okay. Even compliments can get a little squicky sometimes. I'm trying to train myself to focus my compliments on something the person chose--their cute top or awesome hairstyle or great lip color. Even stuff that you might think is a nice thing to say ("You look so thin!" "I wish I had big boobs") can be hurtful. We can never know someone's situation from the outside.
Uh, yeah. Every time I've heard someone say to another they look like they've lost weight or ask if they've lost weight, whether they have or have not, I always see that uncomfortable micro expression on the person being asked. It never goes well.
Of course, I love it when when of my bolder pals responds to that with, "what, did I look fat before or something?!", a response that hopefully reminds the asker, "You'd better check yourself before you wreck yourself"...
Super agree with this. I hate when people make comments on other people's appearance, especially when it's like oh you lost weight; you look so great! Thanks for letting me know I looked awful before???
Related: I don't wear much make up usually, but when we go out, I like to wear more. Whenever I do that people always comment on it. Like ok. Sorry I don't put on a ton of dark eye shadow to go to work.
It's also really not ok to touch a woman's belly when she's pregnant unless you have explicit permission to do so.
I didn't realize that was a thing until a friend told me she had to master the "duck and roll" move on the subway and in public when she was pregnant. Women (usually somewhat older) kept coming up and touching her pregnant belly and asking her questions about the baby. She found it incredibly violating. My friend is not anti-human contact or anything either--she'd sometimes take my hand and put it on her stomach so I could feel her baby playing soccer with her internal organs and commiserate with her suffering. But strangers doing it was totally crossing a line.
It's also really not ok to touch a woman's belly when she's pregnant unless you have explicit permission to do so.
I didn't realize that was a thing until a friend told me she had to master the "duck and roll" move on the subway and in public when she was pregnant. Women (usually somewhat older) kept coming up and touching her pregnant belly and asking her questions about the baby. She found it incredibly violating. My friend is not anti-human contact or anything either--she'd sometimes take my hand and put it on her stomach so I could feel her baby playing soccer with her internal organs and commiserate with her suffering. But strangers doing it was totally crossing a line.
I've touched one baby belly in my life. It was my best friend, it was in greeting after seeing her for the first time in months and the first time with a baby belly. I felt weird even as I was doing it, but I've never done it to anyone else. (Though I have to say, I'm also NOT the kind of person who asks to see your ring when you tell me you're newly engaged.)
Agree with all the above. NEVER appropriate to ask- in fact, do not ask, wait until you are told.
Sorry to hear your friend has to deal with this. Hopefully in time she can shrug it off.
I've had some people at work as if I was pregnant. I work at a hospital, so lots of staff, lots of women on-off having children. But still. Um, no, I'm just getting chubby because it's that time of the month, I'm bloated AND I like cake.
I do think people are generally just excited about babies. And I suppose the one benefit of being asked "are you pregnant?" versus, "wow, you've put a bit of weight on!" is that pregnant women are always beautiful . But still- it's a personal question that shouldn't be asked, as you never know what's going on for someone.
I'm terrible about this. Not because I ask if a woman is pregnant because I'm smart enough not to but for example my friend is pregnant. She'll send me pictures saying she is getting fat and can't see her toes. I think it's cute but all I say is "yeah" (normally I'd make a witty remark to some picture or text) but I'm afraid to offend. Like I know she's pregnant, she knows I know, and yet I'm like "oh shoot, should I be pointing out she is pregnant? You know what, not going to touch any of it with a 10 foot pole."
It's also really not ok to touch a woman's belly when she's pregnant unless you have explicit permission to do so.
I didn't realize that was a thing until a friend told me she had to master the "duck and roll" move on the subway and in public when she was pregnant. Women (usually somewhat older) kept coming up and touching her pregnant belly and asking her questions about the baby. She found it incredibly violating. My friend is not anti-human contact or anything either--she'd sometimes take my hand and put it on her stomach so I could feel her baby playing soccer with her internal organs and commiserate with her suffering. But strangers doing it was totally crossing a line.
Why do people think that's okay? When we start TTC I'll be rocking one of these
It's also really not ok to touch a woman's belly when she's pregnant unless you have explicit permission to do so.
I didn't realize that was a thing until a friend told me she had to master the "duck and roll" move on the subway and in public when she was pregnant. Women (usually somewhat older) kept coming up and touching her pregnant belly and asking her questions about the baby. She found it incredibly violating. My friend is not anti-human contact or anything either--she'd sometimes take my hand and put it on her stomach so I could feel her baby playing soccer with her internal organs and commiserate with her suffering. But strangers doing it was totally crossing a line.
Why do people think that's okay? When we start TTC I'll be rocking one of these
A good friend told me she was going to start touching the assessment of those who touched her belly without asking.
It is also not okay to make a joke that someone is pregnant when they aren't. BF's SIL made a crass joke to his mother that I was pregnant because in the photos from her wedding a year prior I had a little belly pushing through my dress. However, I was on my period the day of her wedding, which makes me super bloated, and I had eaten a good amount of food, which also makes me bloated. It pissed me off so much that she thought it was okay to say something like that behind my back.
I reassured his mother that I wasn't pregnant and if I was ever, she and my own parents would be the first people to know about it. I've stopped expecting an apology from her in regards to this as she hasn't apologized for any of her other transgressions in rudeness when it concerns me.
It is also not okay to make a joke that someone is pregnant when they aren't. BF's SIL made a crass joke to his mother that I was pregnant because in the photos from her wedding a year prior I had a little belly pushing through my dress. However, I was on my period the day of her wedding, which makes me super bloated, and I had eaten a good amount of food, which also makes me bloated. It pissed me off so much that she thought it was okay to say something like that behind my back.
I reassured his mother that I wasn't pregnant and if I was ever, she and my own parents would be the first people to know about it. I've stopped expecting an apology from her in regards to this as she hasn't apologized for any of her other transgressions in rudeness when it concerns me.
The only way I can think to respond to this is in gifs:
I am so sorry to hear that about your relative, @onefootinthebayou. My thoughts are with her and her family. It is a truly difficult diagnosis.
I've also been asked if I was pregnant while wearing an empire cut/flowy shirt. Talk about feeling terrible about yourself. Even in this world, some people still manage to amaze me with their stupidity.
I am so sorry to hear that about your relative, @onefootinthebayou. My thoughts are with her and her family. It is a truly difficult diagnosis.
I've also been asked if I was pregnant while wearing an empire cut/flowy shirt. Talk about feeling terrible about yourself. Even in this world, some people still manage to amaze me with their stupidity.
Thank you for your kind words. It's actually escalated in the last couple of days and she will now be hospitalized for a spell. It's "rapid cycling" so her mania and depression can turn on a dime. She has identified me as someone she can trust so she is communicating with me daily about what is happening to her. I'm just trying to provide unyielding support, very gentle advice where applicable, no lecturing, etc. She really is being so brave in the face of something so beyond her control and the thoughtlessness and just plain bad manners of the well meaning people asking this just sent me into orbit. I hope even just one lurker learned a lesson from this post and will hold their tongue in the future...
I've learned not to even ask about someone's pregnancy/children anymore unless THEY bring it up first. Unfortunately, three of the last people I knew to have babies had tragedies happen that I wasn't aware of- one work colleague from a different state whom I see just twice a year had a miscarriage late in the pregnancy (I asked "how's the little one?!"), another coworker's 2 month old died of SIDS (I was away taking care of my brother during a transplant for a month so I wasn't around when this news first hit- accidentally asked how her baby was doing since I hadn't been aware of the bad news), and then a regular customer of mine also lost her baby late in pregnancy- saw her husband around campus, asked how she and the baby were doing, and then he started crying. All were very gracious and forgiving, but I still feel terrible. I refuse to be a victim of foot-in-mouth syndrome ever again!
When I announced my engagement, a distant cousin of mine sent me a facebook message asking if my wedding was, "of the shotgun variety." It's not. He said that my hypothetical child, "wouldn't be the first one in the family born with calluses from holding on until after the ceremony."
It took everything I had not to tell him to go f*ck himself.
This is kind of a double post. I posted it in chit chat, but it's very relevant here. The conversation morphed into if we would serve an obviously pregnant woman alcohol.
My sister and I went to the mall after she had a baby. The clerk saw my sister's baby girl and said, "You must be so happy, a new little girl and a baby on the way." My sister told her she just had a baby and she is not pregnant. Sis went on to say that the media likes to show post pregnancy unicorns falsely depicting what an average body looks like post partum. The clerk said, "Are you sure you're not pregnant." My sister was pissed. She told me she would have had a margarita at lunch if people didn't think she was pregnant.
***Never ask a woman if she is pregnant. Never ask if she is sure she's not. Never be that bad at science and math and confirm it to the world.
A little late to the party here, but I am so with you.
I had a miscarriage last week. I was 6 weeks along and the development just wasn't happening like it should. The doctor said it could be an Ectopic, but it was so unclear that they just treated it as such out of an abundance of caution.
Yesterday, my SIL did the whole "wink, wink- do you have news to share with us?!" thing. I was really upset (they don't know). I just said "not now, that isn't your business" and tried not to cry.
I think she at least caught on that it was sensitive and said "in due time" and dropped it. But come on, people!
A little late to the party here, but I am so with you.
I had a miscarriage last week. I was 6 weeks along and the development just wasn't happening like it should. The doctor said it could be an Ectopic, but it was so unclear that they just treated it as such out of an abundance of caution.
Yesterday, my SIL did the whole "wink, wink- do you have news to share with us?!" thing. I was really upset (they don't know). I just said "not now, that isn't your business" and tried not to cry.
I think she at least caught on that it was sensitive and said "in due time" and dropped it. But come on, people!
I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you're feeling a bit better, physically and emotionally. I'm sure that was a difficult experience and that SIL's comments brought the pain right to the surface.
I now have a pregnancy rumor going around about me at work b/c of our short (7 month) engagement. It's mildly annoying but so many PPs have had much worse experiences.
Honestly, the "in due time" comment is a little out of line, IMO. I am sure you're right, she sensed the sensitivity and just said something sort of off the cuff to gloss over her gaffe but it seems a little presumptuous that she insert her opinion into your timeline of family planning. Not trying to be picky, I just get a little protective of boundaries, and am finding that they are often unwittingly crossed by well meaning family members.
Again, I'm so sorry for what you went through and hope that you are healing from the experience. Wishing you well.
A little late to the party here, but I am so with you.
I had a miscarriage last week. I was 6 weeks along and the development just wasn't happening like it should. The doctor said it could be an Ectopic, but it was so unclear that they just treated it as such out of an abundance of caution.
Yesterday, my SIL did the whole "wink, wink- do you have news to share with us?!" thing. I was really upset (they don't know). I just said "not now, that isn't your business" and tried not to cry.
I think she at least caught on that it was sensitive and said "in due time" and dropped it. But come on, people!
Just last week DH and I attended the services for a stillborn baby. The bereaved mother had the tummy that every mother does shortly after a baby is born. I hope to God no one is tactless enough to ask her if she IS pregnant or where the baby is.
A little late to the party here, but I am so with you.
I had a miscarriage last week. I was 6 weeks along and the development just wasn't happening like it should. The doctor said it could be an Ectopic, but it was so unclear that they just treated it as such out of an abundance of caution.
Yesterday, my SIL did the whole "wink, wink- do you have news to share with us?!" thing. I was really upset (they don't know). I just said "not now, that isn't your business" and tried not to cry.
I think she at least caught on that it was sensitive and said "in due time" and dropped it. But come on, people!
A little late to the party here, but I am so with you.
I had a miscarriage last week. I was 6 weeks along and the development just wasn't happening like it should. The doctor said it could be an Ectopic, but it was so unclear that they just treated it as such out of an abundance of caution.
Yesterday, my SIL did the whole "wink, wink- do you have news to share with us?!" thing. I was really upset (they don't know). I just said "not now, that isn't your business" and tried not to cry.
I think she at least caught on that it was sensitive and said "in due time" and dropped it. But come on, people!
I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you're feeling a bit better, physically and emotionally. I'm sure that was a difficult experience and that SIL's comments brought the pain right to the surface.
I now have a pregnancy rumor going around about me at work b/c of our short (7 month) engagement. It's mildly annoying but so many PPs have had much worse experiences.
Honestly, the "in due time" comment is a little out of line, IMO. I am sure you're right, she sensed the sensitivity and just said something sort of off the cuff to gloss over her gaffe but it seems a little presumptuous that she insert her opinion into your timeline of family planning. Not trying to be picky, I just get a little protective of boundaries, and am finding that they are often unwittingly crossed by well meaning family members.
Again, I'm so sorry for what you went through and hope that you are healing from the experience. Wishing you well.
No, I am totally with you. She never should have said ANYTHING. My assumption is that she didn't know what to say and I was clearly on the verge of tears so she felt she had to say *something*. But I do have a policy of just saying "I am sorry, I hope you are ok" and never "You will have your baby!" "You will get pregnant again!" because you DON'T KNOW. You NEVER, EVER know and it isn't your business to spout off opinions.
SILs have been asking H off an on if I am pregnant since we got married in July. We were actively TTA until January, so I did get pregnant pretty quickly, but they keep speculating- asking if I will be clear to travel for Thanksgiving, etc.
I really wish they would just quit, even though I know it comes from a good place.
Oh gosh. Some of these are so sad and I feel so bad. I don't know how I would react if someone thought I was pregnant.
I was getting my nails done once when a woman walked in who apparently was a regular. The technician said, "Oh wow still no baby yet?!" and the woman answered that, no, she had the baby three weeks ago and she was at home with her daddy. The technician freaking argued with her and literally asked about her belly. "Are you sure?! You still have big belly!".
As if she would have said "Oh, actually, come to think of it, no you're right. I haven't had the baby yet. Silly me!"
I will never understand why people think that as soon as a woman is pregnant, it's totally ok to ask her personal questions. I am 28 weeks, and two weeks ago was the first time a complete stranger who i was in the elevator with asked me when i was due. none of your business dude, i don't know you at all, and why are you even assuming that i'm pregnant?
I am also over people telling me how "cute" i look, and giving me unsolicited advice about child birth and its immediate aftermath. No, person i barely know, i do not want to hear the Saga of Your C-Section for the 15th time. thanks though.
A friend of mine had two separate incidents during her third trimester where complete strangers at Wal-Mart asked her to name her baby after them. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?
And then wait until your baby is touched by random people.
When it happened to DD I couldn't believe it. Sure, go ahead and touch my baby who is too young to be vaccinated while we're in the middle of flu season.
Just last week DH and I attended the services for a stillborn baby. The bereaved mother had the tummy that every mother does shortly after a baby is born. I hope to God no one is tactless enough to ask her if she IS pregnant or where the baby is.
When we lost ours around the very early holidays that was stillborn, I still had a tummy. I stayed inside because I often received comments asking where was the baby and why wasn't he with me. It's heartbreaking and just made me feel so shitty.
Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.
Re: It's NEVER OK To Ask A Woman If She's Pregnant
I'm terrible about this. Not because I ask if a woman is pregnant because I'm smart enough not to but for example my friend is pregnant. She'll send me pictures saying she is getting fat and can't see her toes. I think it's cute but all I say is "yeah" (normally I'd make a witty remark to some picture or text) but I'm afraid to offend. Like I know she's pregnant, she knows I know, and yet I'm like "oh shoot, should I be pointing out she is pregnant? You know what, not going to touch any of it with a 10 foot pole."
I reassured his mother that I wasn't pregnant and if I was ever, she and my own parents would be the first people to know about it. I've stopped expecting an apology from her in regards to this as she hasn't apologized for any of her other transgressions in rudeness when it concerns me.
I've also been asked if I was pregnant while wearing an empire cut/flowy shirt. Talk about feeling terrible about yourself. Even in this world, some people still manage to amaze me with their stupidity.
My sister and I went to the mall after she had a baby. The clerk saw my sister's baby girl and said, "You must be so happy, a new little girl and a baby on the way." My sister told her she just had a baby and she is not pregnant. Sis went on to say that the media likes to show post pregnancy unicorns falsely depicting what an average body looks like post partum. The clerk said, "Are you sure you're not pregnant." My sister was pissed. She told me she would have had a margarita at lunch if people didn't think she was pregnant.
***Never ask a woman if she is pregnant. Never ask if she is sure she's not. Never be that bad at science and math and confirm it to the world.
I had a miscarriage last week. I was 6 weeks along and the development just wasn't happening like it should. The doctor said it could be an Ectopic, but it was so unclear that they just treated it as such out of an abundance of caution.
Yesterday, my SIL did the whole "wink, wink- do you have news to share with us?!" thing. I was really upset (they don't know). I just said "not now, that isn't your business" and tried not to cry.
I think she at least caught on that it was sensitive and said "in due time" and dropped it. But come on, people!
SILs have been asking H off an on if I am pregnant since we got married in July. We were actively TTA until January, so I did get pregnant pretty quickly, but they keep speculating- asking if I will be clear to travel for Thanksgiving, etc.
I really wish they would just quit, even though I know it comes from a good place.
I will never understand why people think that as soon as a woman is pregnant, it's totally ok to ask her personal questions. I am 28 weeks, and two weeks ago was the first time a complete stranger who i was in the elevator with asked me when i was due. none of your business dude, i don't know you at all, and why are you even assuming that i'm pregnant?
I am also over people telling me how "cute" i look, and giving me unsolicited advice about child birth and its immediate aftermath. No, person i barely know, i do not want to hear the Saga of Your C-Section for the 15th time. thanks though.
A friend of mine had two separate incidents during her third trimester where complete strangers at Wal-Mart asked her to name her baby after them. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?
Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.