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Living Together before Marriage

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Re: Living Together before Marriage

  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited March 2015
    Part 1 :
     After nine months of dating we both moved to DC while I did grad school. We had alreayd discussed marriage, and living together was not primarily a financial decision. It was a function of us being in love, wanting to be with each other as much as possible, and knowing we were  likely to get married unless things went to hell. 

    We lived with a friend of mine from college in a two bedroom apartment for the first year of school. For the second year we moved to a one bedroom in the same building so we could live by ourselves. Our roommate also moved in with his girlfriend. They're getting married soon too! About a month before I finished school, we got engaged. After I was done with school, it was FI's turn for grad school. We moved back to CT (where we're both from, and where we met.) It's been almost a year since then. We live in a cute one bedroom apartment. 

    Side note: We met when I had just graduated from college, and FI had graduated a year previous and was working two jobs. We were both living at home. We went straight from living at home, to moving to DC together. I completely understand the wisdom behind living on your own first, but FI and I have been very happy even though we skipped that step. We seemed to know ourselves really well to begin with, but we've grown together a lot, and we're a good team. ETA: though, I don't really feel like an adult even though I am. I don't know if living on my own would have changed that though? It's kind of a common complaint among my friends, none of whom have lived with a partner. 

    Part 1A:
    It was a personal requirement for both of us that we live together before getting married or engaged. It just seemed like the smart thing to do, and we're both happy we've done it. We know each others' habits, and engagement felt like a very natural, not scary step especially after we realized how happy we were living with each other. 

    Part 1B:
    Both of our parents were fine with us living together pre-marriage/ engagement. They all did as well!  My parents especially liked that I had a support system in DC, and someone they knew would notice if something happened to me. I was nervous that he never talked to his parents about us getting married until we were engaged (seriously, he never talked about it with them until he popped the question and we called them up to tell them the news!) I thought they might be shocked, and think he was too young (he was 25.) They weren't surprised at all, and were very happy. His dad said something like "well, we knew you were going to after you've lived together for this long!"

    Part 2
    I sort of implied to FI that I wanted him to talk to his parents about us getting engaged before it happened. I didn't want them to be shocked, and if they were going to have objections, I wanted them to hash out that drama before it happened. But my FI waved me off and said it would be fine, that they wouldn't care. He was right- he knew his parents. It was totally fine, no drama at all. 

    So, based on that, part of me thinks: you know your parents best, you're an adult, so it's your call. My FI knew his parents best and did the right thing for him and their relationship despite the fact that I handled the same situation quite differently. 

    The other part of me agrees with your FI: get the drama over with now, sooth some of their fears now. Don't hide things from your parents and make your FI potentially look like the bad guy. But I also don't know what it is like to fundamentally disagree on lifestyle decisions with your family. 
    [Deleted User]
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    Just because I was raised in a conservative Christian environment doesn't mean that I'm too young to get married.  She asked for advice and I gave her some based on my experience.  The whole point in this community is to be supportive of each other, not to attack one another based on their beliefs or their living situation (especially when they didn't ask for an opinion).  If you hold onto your values strong enough it's more than easy to avoid temptation, we live together because it seemed silly to us to pay $800/month in rent each when a mortgage on a home would only be $500/month (and homes in the area we wanted to live in that price range don't come up very often).  Not to mention there are LOADS of different things you learn about someone while living with them that have NOTHING to do with having sex.  If you haven't grown up in our situation then how can you judge someone who has?  If this works for us why is it okay for people like you to make fun of it?  I have the right to give advice to people just like you do.  It's not okay to bully people.  So what if I didn't want to type the word sex?  Is that really that big of a deal to you people that you have to make multiple comments about it?  There are definitely some people who need to grow up around here however I am not one of them.

    bethsmileslavenderfields13mikenbergerDignity100SwazzleGoldenPenguin

    Awww I'm a bully! Hooray! I, as others did, pointed out that you were not using the word SEX but rather replacing it with "THAT" like it is some naughty word or if someone caught you using it, it would be frowned upon.

    It's sex. Billions of things on this planet have some form of sex. You'll have it some day too. Frightening.

    image

  • Part one:
    My boyfriend and I are living together. We were long distance for the first year of our relationship. Living together before engagement/marriage is a requirement for me because I don't think you truly know someone until you have lived together. Plus, we didn't want to be long distance anymore.

    Neither of our parents disapproved of us moving in together. In fact, my mother gave us her couch and love seat, and his parents helped me load my moving truck and drive across states with me. So they were all very supportive!!

    Part two: 
    I don't think you're wrong from withholding your plans from your parents. If you can afford to support yourself then you have all of the right to do so.
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