Do we HAVE to dance?

PurplekittenMew · March 2015

So the topic of our "first dance" has come up, and I have no good feelings about it whatsoever. Neither of us knows how to dance, neither of us cares that we don't know how to dance, and neither of us enjoys dancing at all.

Can we just....not?

WinstonsGirl · March 2015

We didn't have a first dance. Or a bouquet toss. And I wasn't even wearing a garter for DH to go searching for. This is a instance of your day, you can do what you want. You don't have to do it. If you're having a dance, just have the DJ start up the music to get everyone else going

flutteringinfl · March 2015

You can absolutely skip this. It isn't an etiquette issue, therefore it doesn't matter if you do it or not. If you don't feel comfortable, skip it.

PurplekittenMew · March 2015

Won't people harass us about it and try to tell us we have to dance and create a giant argument?

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

PurplekittenMew said:
Won't people harass us about it and try to tell us we have to dance and create a giant argument>

I would hope people aren't that rude. Geez! If they do, just have a canned statement ready, "we won't be doing a first dance...how did you like the food? Thank you so much for coming, it's great to see you and John.. how's life in Springfield?"

No, you don't have to do this. A reception is just a party, so if you don't want to do spotlight dances, tosses, etc. you aboslutely do not have to.

WinstonsGirl · March 2015

No one even asked us. And if they do, then they are rude and suck. Just tell them you hadn't planned on any spotlight dances, but you could maybe speak to the DJ and arrange one for them and their date if they're so set on one.

ETA - clarity

PurplekittenMew · March 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

I would hope people aren't that rude.

I fully anticipate that FH's mom will harass the living crap out of us and demand it.

mikenberger · March 2015

PurplekittenMew said:

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southernbelle0915 said:

I would hope people aren't that rude.

I fully anticipate that FH's mom will harass the living crap out of us and demand it.

Tell her she can go out and dance then. Show her to the dance floor

You do not have to dance. It's ridiculous for people to pressure you otherwise. Sadly, some people are just stuck on tradition.

novella1186 · March 2015

FI and I are not doing a first dance, or any spotlight dances. It just wasn't genuine to us cuz it's not something we care about or wanted to do. The whole idea of it, to me, seems very odd.

Why do something you don't want to just because other people do it?

thisismynickname2 · March 2015

Is it really that you can't dance, or do you not want the spotlight? If you think your family will harass you about it, see if you can a) let them know you don't want it but b) suggest maybe the family "opening" the dance floor. To me, that's an ok compromise.

Otherwise, don't even have any conversations about it. Have the DJ or band announce the floor is open and be done with it.

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

PurplekittenMew said:

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southernbelle0915 said:

I would hope people aren't that rude.

I fully anticipate that FH's mom will harass the living crap out of us and demand it.

Then your FH should tell her well in advance that it's not happening. He should also talk to her about y'alls concerns and kindly ask her to refrain from hassling you about it on your wedding day.

PurplekittenMew · March 2015

It's not about the spotlight. It's about that I don't know how to dance and that I hate dancing. I don't know why people think it's fun.

PurplekittenMew · March 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

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PurplekittenMew said:

southernbelle0915 said:

I would hope people aren't that rude.

I fully anticipate that FH's mom will harass the living crap out of us and demand it.
Then your FH should tell her well in advance that it's not happening. He should also talk to her about y'alls concerns and kindly ask her to refrain from hassling you about it on your wedding day.

Harassment is her main export, with guilt as a close second. :-P

thisismynickname2 · March 2015

PurplekittenMew said:
It's not about the spotlight. It's about that I don't know how to dance and that I hate dancing. I don't know why people think it's fun.

Ok cool. So just have your DJ or band announce the floor is open to anyone who wants to dance and be done with it. If anyone harasses you, bean dip, or say, "Oh, then YOU can be the first one out there! Cool!"

whovianstark · March 2015

PurplekittenMew said:

show previous quotes
southernbelle0915 said:

PurplekittenMew said:

southernbelle0915 said:

I would hope people aren't that rude.

I fully anticipate that FH's mom will harass the living crap out of us and demand it.
Then your FH should tell her well in advance that it's not happening. He should also talk to her about y'alls concerns and kindly ask her to refrain from hassling you about it on your wedding day.
Harassment is her main export, with guilt as a close second. :-P

Good luck! I get it, my Mom keeps telling me I HAVE TO do things too. I already caved on one thing (a veil) and I completely regret buying it so since then I have been putting my foot down. ( ex: No we don't "have to" have boutonnieres.) If the spotlight isn't an issue maybe you could come up with a different "first" that if more your style? haha first Mario Kart Race as a married couple? Or do a goofy dance on purpose?

flantastic · March 2015

PurplekittenMew said:

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southernbelle0915 said:

I would hope people aren't that rude.

I fully anticipate that FH's mom will harass the living crap out of us and demand it.

If she doesn't ask about it, just don't bring it up, since it's not her business anyway. She can discover at the wedding that it isn't happening. If she does ask about it, your FH can tell her that it's not happening, the subject is closed, please do not bring it up again, thank you.

PurplekittenMew · March 2015

Well now the stakes have been raised. I talked to my FH about this, and he says we should dance.

I don't wanna dance!

novella1186 · March 2015

PurplekittenMew said:
Well now the stakes have been raised. I talked to my FH about this, and he says we should dance.

I don't wanna dance!

Why does he think you "should"?

PurplekittenMew · March 2015

Because it's expected and because he wants to.

whovianstark · March 2015

PurplekittenMew said:
Because it's expected and because he wants to.

That is when I would say "Ok I will sit in a chair while you do a little dance for me" ha ha.

PurplekittenMew · March 2015

We've been discussing it in IMs.

I'll get a better idea of his thoughts tonight at home.

(If I can pull him away from the babies... we're getting a litter of foster kittens tonight!)

mrsdee15 · March 2015

PurplekittenMew said:
We've been discussing it in IMs.

I'll get a better idea of his thoughts tonight at home.

(If I can pull him away from the babies... we're getting a litter of foster kittens tonight!)

Please post pictures!

VulgarGirl · March 2015

If you don't dance, the marriage becomes invalid. That's just a fact.

Dancing is always optional.

novella1186 · March 2015

PurplekittenMew said:
Because it's expected and because he wants to.

I quite frankly don't give a fuck about what's expected, but that's just me. I would never do something that made me uncomfortable or that I genuinely didn't want to do just because other people expected it.

PurplekittenMew · March 2015

What about the part where he WANTS to do it?

lovegood90 · March 2015

PurplekittenMew said:
What about the part where he WANTS to do it?

Ok....then do it if you want to? Or talk to him about how uncomfortable it makes you and come to an agreement? This isn't that hard to figure out.

VulgarGirl · March 2015

PurplekittenMew said:
What about the part where he WANTS to do it?

Then its time to adult up and have a conversation about it. See if you can find some middle ground. Welcome to adult hood, it's all about compromising, paying bills, and wearing pants. It's shitty but the upside is we get to drink.

drunkenwitch · March 2015

PurplekittenMew said:
We've been discussing it in IMs.

I'll get a better idea of his thoughts tonight at home.

(If I can pull him away from the babies... we're getting a litter of foster kittens tonight!)

1) PICTURES!!!

2) Tell him that if you dance at the wedding it will make the kittens cry, he doesn't want to make kittens cry does he?

novella1186 · March 2015

PurplekittenMew said:
What about the part where he WANTS to do it?

Agree with PP. Have a conversation with him about it. If it's truly important to him, then find a compromise.

I did not want us to write our own vows and FI initially agreed. Just wasn't something I had any interest in, and I felt like it was a lot of pressure. Then he brought it up again and expressed that he REALLY wanted to do it, and it was important to him. Since it's his wedding too and he should also get what he wants, I decided to suck it up. Not writing them wasn't hugely important to me, but writing them was a big deal to him, so we're writing them.

Figure out if this dancing thing is something you absolutely won't do, or if you're willing to do it because it's important to your FI, or if you can find some sort of middle ground.

thisismynickname2 · March 2015

Another thought, based on the fact that your fiance wants to dance.

There are really no expectations for the first dance. Contrary to social media belief, most couples do not recreate the epic Dirty Dancing finale. Many people on TK even think taking dancing lessons is overkill because the couple looks forced and unnatural.

Swaying in a circle like 6th graders is totally normally and appropriate.

As a potential compromise because your fiance wants this, dance for one minute of a song. Just one minute. I actually saw that once; a bride-- and you have to know her sense of humor- danced for only about 30 seconds before she announced, "I'm done!" and the DJ changed the song and friends flooded the dance floor.

Just some other ideas for you

PurplekittenMew · March 2015

drunkenwitch said:

show previous quotes
PurplekittenMew said:
We've been discussing it in IMs.

I'll get a better idea of his thoughts tonight at home.

(If I can pull him away from the babies... we're getting a litter of foster kittens tonight!)

1) PICTURES!!!
2) Tell him that if you dance at the wedding it will make the kittens cry, he doesn't want to make kittens cry does he?

OMG that's the best! I can just picture the epic dispair on is face at the thought of sobbing kittens!

Do we HAVE to dance?

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