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Bride Requiring Bridal Party & Family To Help Clean Up After Wedding

OwningAHome1981OwningAHome1981 member
Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Her wedding is Sunday. She just sprung this on us today. Isnt venue staff supposed to help with this? I'm extremely pissed! I'm a bridesmaid, not a slave and I have a 2.5 hour ride back home after the wedding. This is rude. I am putting my foot down & flat out refusing! Has anyone ever heard of this? I wouldnt have been so mad if we knew about this months ago but to request that 2 days before? No way Jose! I should also mention the B&G are not helping with the cleaning. They are "promptly leaving to go enjoy their lives together" leaving the measly lil bridesmaids to clean up the place!!!!!
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Re: Bride Requiring Bridal Party & Family To Help Clean Up After Wedding

  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    OwningAHome1981 said:

    Her wedding is Sunday. She just sprung this on us today. Isnt venue staff supposed to help with this? I'm extremely pissed! I'm a bridesmaid, not a slave and I have a 2.5 hour ride back home after the wedding. This is rude. I am putting my foot down & flat out refusing! Has anyone ever heard of this? I wouldnt have been so mad if we knew about this months ago but to request that 2 days before? No way Jose! I should also mention the B&G are not helping with the cleaning. They are "promptly leaving to go enjoy their lives together" leaving the measly lil bridesmaids to clean up the place!!!!!

    Some venues don't do this. Or will for an additional cost. Still, she should've inquired months ago about finding help or hiring help. My SIL's wedding was like this as well, but her family helped clean the venue, not the bridal party. And this is very common in their family to have clean ups like this after the wedding. They actually make their own little party out of it.

    Still. The bride should be ASKING not requiring. I would put my foot down as well. 

    Has she made any other requirements of her brideslaves like this? 

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  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
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    Definitely put your foot down and decline. This isn't your problem to deal with, it's theirs.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • pegasuskatpegasuskat member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    I would send her a message that says, sorry but I have a long drive home and work the next morning, and then bean dip if she keeps asking.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I've volunteered to help after a wedding.  Not necessarily clean up.  But help gather up CP, carry gifts to a car.   Random other stuff that might need to be taken back home.   I've done this a a friend, BM or family member.

    The key word here is VOLUNTEERED.     If a couple expects me, hell no.

    18 years ago my brother got married.  There was a 3 hour gap.  When the WP (which I was in) arrived at the venue 2+ hours before the reception we were told it was for pictures (they had a nice lake setting).   After 30 mins of pictures we were ORDERED to setup the reception.   Moving tables, chair, setting the linens and tables.    I was fucking pissed.   

    18 years later and I still think bad of my sil and brother and SIL's mother too.  She was the one who refused help from my parents.   Help that would have easily paid for setup.    I can't remember if I helped breakdown. i was drunk.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Just leave when the wedding is over. This is really rude and shitty of her to do to her "friends." (I had to put friends in quotations cuz seriously, who the fuck treats a friend like this?) 
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  • OwningAHome1981OwningAHome1981 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    mikenberger said:

    show previous quotes
    Some venues don't do this. Or will for an additional cost. Still, she should've inquired months ago about finding help or hiring help. My SIL's wedding was like this as well, but her family helped clean the venue, not the bridal party. And this is very common in their family to have clean ups like this after the wedding. They actually make their own little party out of it.

    Still. The bride should be ASKING not requiring. I would put my foot down as well. 

    Has she made any other requirements of her brideslaves like this? 
    Haha funny you ask! in fact, she has!
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  • thespeshulestsnowflakethespeshulestsnowflake member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Yeah, I wouldn't do it either, especially if she demanded. If she had asked for volunteers, maybe, maybe not with a long drive, but I may have helped some.

    Please let us know how she reacts when you give her a firm no!
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Huge difference between asking and ordering. 
    Also, fucking pay employees to set up and clean up, don't cheap out. This is one of those things, like, if you can't afford the BASICS, you can't afford the venue. 

    I know a bride that pulled this on her bridal party. Even husbands of bridesmaids were fucking ironing table clothes. Hell to the no. 

    Saying you can't stay and won't stay is your best option. Leaving when the event is over is also a good option. Getting so shitfaced drunk that you pass out in the bathroom before the event is even over, requiring your SO to take you home early, is a last resort option. Whoops! 
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  • OwningAHome1981OwningAHome1981 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    thisismynickname said:

    Huge difference between asking and ordering. 

    Also, fucking pay employees to set up and clean up, don't cheap out. This is one of those things, like, if you can't afford the BASICS, you can't afford the venue. 

    I know a bride that pulled this on her bridal party. Even husbands of bridesmaids were fucking ironing table clothes. Hell to the no. 

    Saying you can't stay and won't stay is your best option. Leaving when the event is over is also a good option. Getting so shitfaced drunk that you pass out in the bathroom before the event is even over, requiring your SO to take you home early, is a last resort option. Whoops! 
    Funny you mention the husbands b/c she asked them to also pitch in. Meanwhile my boyfriend doesn't know anyone (nope, I'm not married anymore FYI) & he would either have to help or wait around for me, both of which are horrible things to ask a wedding date to do.
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
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    OwningAHome1981 said:

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    Haha funny you ask! in fact, she has!
    Feel free to share those things as well ;) 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    OwningAHome1981 said:

    show previous quotes
    Funny you mention the husbands b/c she asked them to also pitch in. Meanwhile my boyfriend doesn't know anyone (nope, I'm not married anymore FYI) & he would either have to help or wait around for me, both of which are horrible things to ask a wedding date to do.


    wait, what?

    I'm sorry to hear that.  I think.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I've heard of this, but on on TK. Never in real life. And I think it's fucking crazy. Shit, I wouldn't even ASK, let alone demand. 
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  • flutteringinflflutteringinfl member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Just leave. What can she do, put you in time out? If she throws a fit she's telling you exactly how much she values your "friendship." I think if you do leave you will feel way more awesome than if you stayed.
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  • OwningAHome1981OwningAHome1981 member
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    lyndausvi said:

    show previous quotes
    Funny you mention the husbands b/c she asked them to also pitch in. Meanwhile my boyfriend doesn't know anyone (nope, I'm not married anymore FYI) & he would either have to help or wait around for me, both of which are horrible things to ask a wedding date to do.
    wait, what?

    I'm sorry to hear that.  I think.


    Thanks! I'm not ;)
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  • OwningAHome1981OwningAHome1981 member
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    mikenberger said:

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    Yes. Do tell. 
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    Well everyone HAS to have a different hairstyle, which we are paying for. She sent a list of the choices and had everyone put their name next to what they want. By the time it got to me nothing was left, so I got the dopey hairstyle, rock on.

    The make-up she is paying for but wants everyone to have the same but since she is paying for it, I can't complain except we all have different skin tones so I don't see how this would work.

    Also sent a nasty email to us getting angry that no one stepped up the plate to offer to help help plan her wedding. ::::eye roll:::

    And you people thought *I* was crazy? :)

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    OwningAHome1981 said:

    show previous quotes



    Well everyone HAS to have a different hairstyle, which we are paying for. She sent a list of the choices and had everyone put their name next to what they want. By the time it got to me nothing was left, so I got the dopey hairstyle, rock on.

    The make-up she is paying for but wants everyone to have the same but since she is paying for it, I can't complain except we all have different skin tones so I don't see how this would work.

    Also sent a nasty email to us getting angry that no one stepped up the plate to offer to help help plan her wedding. ::::eye roll:::

    And you people thought *I* was crazy? :)

    Yeah I would be getting whatever the hell kind of hairstyle I want regardless of what picture my name is next to.  Fuck that.

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  • mikenbergermikenberger member
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    OwningAHome1981 said:

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    This is not a budget wedding. I mean they are def taking the cheaper route with certain things (like day vs night, DJ vs band), but I'm sorry, if you don't have the $$ to clean up properly you don't assign tasks to your friends & family. Can't properly host a wedding, don't have one.
    Yeah, I gave up favors and a fully plated meal (doing buffet style instead) so I could hire people to set up and tear down and my family didn't have to do it. Also moved from a cheaper venue to a more expensive venue because they handle more of the clean up than the other venue.

    I just don't understand "Here's all of this stuff, thank you so much! Eat, drink and be merry, bitches! But make sure not to get super smashed because you're cleaning up afterwards." 

    What a damn switcheroo.

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited March 2015




    OwningAHome1981 said:



    Well everyone HAS to have a different hairstyle, which we are paying for. She sent a list of the choices and had everyone put their name next to what they want. By the time it got to me nothing was left, so I got the dopey hairstyle, rock on.

    The make-up she is paying for but wants everyone to have the same but since she is paying for it, I can't complain except we all have different skin tones so I don't see how this would work.

    Also sent a nasty email to us getting angry that no one stepped up the plate to offer to help help plan her wedding. ::::eye roll:::

    And you people thought *I* was crazy? :)



    Hair and makeup is such a personal thing, where do brides get the idea that they get to dictate those, even if they are paying? Don't get the dopey hairstyle, you'll be uncomfortable all day. 


                       
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  • OwningAHome1981OwningAHome1981 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'm just annoyed now, esp after the nasty email she sent acting like none of us did anything. Meanwhile I traveled 2 hours to her shower to set everything up by myself. She should be kissing the ground I walk on. I told her I am bolting afterward. She was upset but whatever. I'm not doing it. She keeps saying she doesnt want drama but yet the bms aren't the one causing it!
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  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    OwningAHome1981 said:

    I'm just annoyed now, esp after the nasty email she sent acting like none of us did anything. Meanwhile I traveled 2 hours to her shower to set everything up by myself. She should be kissing the ground I walk on. I told her I am bolting afterward. She was upset but whatever. I'm not doing it. She keeps saying she doesnt want drama but yet the bms aren't the one causing it!

    Good for you for standing your ground. She sounds like a child.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • onefootinthebayouonefootinthebayou member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    Ugh, that is pretty tasteless.  If it were me, and I realize this is NOT at all the practical approach but I would ask how much the cleaning fee would be and tell her I would cover it.  This achieves two things: gets the whole bridal party off the hook, embarrasses bride (hopefully) enough to realize she should be fronting the cost.  Obviously, if she called my bluff I would still be on the hook for for the cost (depending on how much it was) and I would pay it and be done with it.  Again, I'm not at all suggesting you do this, you should certainly not have to even entertain covering that cost.  I would just sometimes rather pay to have things done that I don't want to do but that's just me.    

    I agree with PPs that you are not obligated to do this and depending on your relationship with the bride you might have a conversation with her about alternatives to her last minute plan (i.e., she should pay for cleaning and be done with it).

    Good luck...  
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  • OwningAHome1981OwningAHome1981 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    I asked someone else to cover my tasks so this way they will get done instead of being like F U & bolting, although I probably should. I asked her why the venue wont help but she wont say.
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    The only person I allow to require that I help is my mom. Everyone better freaking ask me or it's a big heck no! Mom hands out jobs for sibling weddings, she took care of us all our life, so a little indentured servitude isn't entirely out of line every once in a while.

    I'd bail on clean up and tell the hairdresser to do whatever she thinks would look best on you. When the bride sees it afterwards, blame it on the hairdresser. A white lie is better than a dopey hairdo.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • mollybarker11mollybarker11 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
    onefootinthebayou said:

    Ugh, that is pretty tasteless.  If it were me, and I realize this is NOT at all the practical approach but I would ask how much the cleaning fee would be and tell her I would cover it.  This achieves two things: gets the whole bridal party off the hook, embarrasses bride (hopefully) enough to realize she should be fronting the cost.

    That was my first thought haha, "Here's your wedding gift."

    I'll never forget a coworker telling me she was taking Friday off because, as a bridesmaid, she had to be at the venue at 6AM THE DAY BEFORE THE WEDDING to help set it up and decorate.

    And my mother one rolled her eyes at someone for complaining about having to do set-up/tear-down for a wedding. Mom was like "Get over it! That's just part of the job!" Uhh, no, if it was the bridesmaids' job they'd be getting paid for it.
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