Second Reception/Marriage Celebration (What Is Acceptable)

notdoingitbythebook · April 2015

adk19 said:
I say have the second party. Fine with me. But I think you have to be sure to invite EVERYONE to the real, actual, legal marriage ceremony. Let them decide if they can or cannot make it to that first before you saddle them with the second tier party. So, budget for everyone you want to invite (you'll probably have lots of money left over if half the group declines.) Then maybe put an insert in the invitation, "A celebration of marriage party will be thrown in this location on this date. Official Evite to follow." And I think you need to invite EVERYONE to that party as well. Let's say I live in the location where you're getting officially married, but I have plans to be a bridesmaid in my BFF's wedding that weekend and can't attend yours. Maybe I'd love to fly to your Celebration of Marriage location to celebrate with you there and make it a fun vacation as well. Basically, I think you need to let the guests decide which party they want to attend (or both or none) rather than choosing for them.

Most attending the wedding will not attend the celebration. Most attending the celebration will not attend the wedding. There will be very little overlap between the two events. But yes, I am inviting everyone. Twice.

notdoingitbythebook · April 2015

flantastic said:

notdoingitbythebook said:

flantastic said:

aurianna said:
As long as there are things to do / places to go go during the screening.

Maybe I'm an odd duck.
I'm happy to go to a wedding ceremony if I'm invited.

If the ceremony was playing throughout somewhere, low key, I'd probably watch at least part of it at some point in the evening.

But the second you put it on a big screen in front of me and expect to me to spend 30 minutes of my life just sitting there watching a ceremony that already happened, I'd get rammy. It would seem AWish to me and I'd probably feel trapped and bored and forced to watch a quasi-redo, when really I'd just want to get on with the party.

So just make sure that the lights aren't dimmed to the point of people's not being able to see where they're going, that the setup isn't a way in which guests will feel singled out/shamed for not sitting through it, and that guests not wanting to watch it will be able to congregate somewhere where they will be able to talk without interrupting the show but won't feel quarantined.

This was my point, @notdoingitbythebook. Just because there are guests (I don't care if they're aunt or other friends or family, I just used aunts as an example) who want to see this, do not mean you should subject everyone to it. There will be people who are like "Oh, God, really? We're going to watch a video of them doing the whole thing that happened a while ago? Can't we just celebrate with them and call it a day?" And that amounts to poor hosting.
edit for tag
Okie dokie. Thanks for your opinion.

Okie dokie, you're welcome. It's clear that you don't give a shit about being rude to your guests at this point, but I'll probably continue to respond to you for the benefit of anyone else who may be reading.

Considering that this place is the only place I've come across with such militant rules for etiquette (and I've studied Victorian etiquette so the militancy here is oddly impressive), I'm going to take this place with a huge grain of salt and say that this opinion of "THAT'S RUDE" is not generally accepted. I'm going to go with the people who actually know us and know how we roll and our family and friends roll. They carry a lot more weight than random internet people. Sorry. Not sorry.

Maggie0829 · April 2015

notdoingitbythebook said:

flantastic said:

notdoingitbythebook said:

flantastic said:

aurianna said:
As long as there are things to do / places to go go during the screening.

Maybe I'm an odd duck.
I'm happy to go to a wedding ceremony if I'm invited.

If the ceremony was playing throughout somewhere, low key, I'd probably watch at least part of it at some point in the evening.

But the second you put it on a big screen in front of me and expect to me to spend 30 minutes of my life just sitting there watching a ceremony that already happened, I'd get rammy. It would seem AWish to me and I'd probably feel trapped and bored and forced to watch a quasi-redo, when really I'd just want to get on with the party.

So just make sure that the lights aren't dimmed to the point of people's not being able to see where they're going, that the setup isn't a way in which guests will feel singled out/shamed for not sitting through it, and that guests not wanting to watch it will be able to congregate somewhere where they will be able to talk without interrupting the show but won't feel quarantined.

This was my point, @notdoingitbythebook. Just because there are guests (I don't care if they're aunt or other friends or family, I just used aunts as an example) who want to see this, do not mean you should subject everyone to it. There will be people who are like "Oh, God, really? We're going to watch a video of them doing the whole thing that happened a while ago? Can't we just celebrate with them and call it a day?" And that amounts to poor hosting.
edit for tag
Okie dokie. Thanks for your opinion.

Okie dokie, you're welcome. It's clear that you don't give a shit about being rude to your guests at this point, but I'll probably continue to respond to you for the benefit of anyone else who may be reading.

Considering that this place is the only place I've come across with such militant rules for etiquette (and I've studied Victorian etiquette so the militancy here is oddly impressive), I'm going to take this place with a huge grain of salt and say that this opinion of "THAT'S RUDE" is not generally accepted. I'm going to go with the people who actually know us and know how we roll and our family and friends roll. They carry a lot more weight than random internet people. Sorry. Not sorry.

Yeah because friends and family never sugar coat things or tell you what you want to hear or just go along with what you want so they spare your feelings, all the while thinking that what you are doing is rude.

notdoingitbythebook · April 2015

Maggie0829 said:

notdoingitbythebook said:

flantastic said:

notdoingitbythebook said:

flantastic said:

aurianna said:
As long as there are things to do / places to go go during the screening.

Maybe I'm an odd duck.
I'm happy to go to a wedding ceremony if I'm invited.

If the ceremony was playing throughout somewhere, low key, I'd probably watch at least part of it at some point in the evening.

But the second you put it on a big screen in front of me and expect to me to spend 30 minutes of my life just sitting there watching a ceremony that already happened, I'd get rammy. It would seem AWish to me and I'd probably feel trapped and bored and forced to watch a quasi-redo, when really I'd just want to get on with the party.

So just make sure that the lights aren't dimmed to the point of people's not being able to see where they're going, that the setup isn't a way in which guests will feel singled out/shamed for not sitting through it, and that guests not wanting to watch it will be able to congregate somewhere where they will be able to talk without interrupting the show but won't feel quarantined.

This was my point, @notdoingitbythebook. Just because there are guests (I don't care if they're aunt or other friends or family, I just used aunts as an example) who want to see this, do not mean you should subject everyone to it. There will be people who are like "Oh, God, really? We're going to watch a video of them doing the whole thing that happened a while ago? Can't we just celebrate with them and call it a day?" And that amounts to poor hosting.
edit for tag
Okie dokie. Thanks for your opinion.

Okie dokie, you're welcome. It's clear that you don't give a shit about being rude to your guests at this point, but I'll probably continue to respond to you for the benefit of anyone else who may be reading.

Considering that this place is the only place I've come across with such militant rules for etiquette (and I've studied Victorian etiquette so the militancy here is oddly impressive), I'm going to take this place with a huge grain of salt and say that this opinion of "THAT'S RUDE" is not generally accepted. I'm going to go with the people who actually know us and know how we roll and our family and friends roll. They carry a lot more weight than random internet people. Sorry. Not sorry.
Yeah because friends and family never sugar coat things or tell you what you want to hear or just go along with what you want so they spare your feelings, all the while thinking that what you are doing is rude.

Actually the ones I trust don't sugar coat, but you keep thinking that I am completely clueless while I think the exact same thing about you. I'm doing the event, no matter what some strangers on a random wedding website tell me is rude in their mind. For us, it works. For you, it doesn't. Thankfully, you're not invited.

Maggie0829 · April 2015

notdoingitbythebook said:

notdoingitbythebook said:

flantastic said:

notdoingitbythebook said:

flantastic said:

aurianna said:
As long as there are things to do / places to go go during the screening.

Maybe I'm an odd duck.
I'm happy to go to a wedding ceremony if I'm invited.

If the ceremony was playing throughout somewhere, low key, I'd probably watch at least part of it at some point in the evening.

But the second you put it on a big screen in front of me and expect to me to spend 30 minutes of my life just sitting there watching a ceremony that already happened, I'd get rammy. It would seem AWish to me and I'd probably feel trapped and bored and forced to watch a quasi-redo, when really I'd just want to get on with the party.

So just make sure that the lights aren't dimmed to the point of people's not being able to see where they're going, that the setup isn't a way in which guests will feel singled out/shamed for not sitting through it, and that guests not wanting to watch it will be able to congregate somewhere where they will be able to talk without interrupting the show but won't feel quarantined.

This was my point, @notdoingitbythebook. Just because there are guests (I don't care if they're aunt or other friends or family, I just used aunts as an example) who want to see this, do not mean you should subject everyone to it. There will be people who are like "Oh, God, really? We're going to watch a video of them doing the whole thing that happened a while ago? Can't we just celebrate with them and call it a day?" And that amounts to poor hosting.
edit for tag
Okie dokie. Thanks for your opinion.

Okie dokie, you're welcome. It's clear that you don't give a shit about being rude to your guests at this point, but I'll probably continue to respond to you for the benefit of anyone else who may be reading.

Considering that this place is the only place I've come across with such militant rules for etiquette (and I've studied Victorian etiquette so the militancy here is oddly impressive), I'm going to take this place with a huge grain of salt and say that this opinion of "THAT'S RUDE" is not generally accepted. I'm going to go with the people who actually know us and know how we roll and our family and friends roll. They carry a lot more weight than random internet people. Sorry. Not sorry.
Yeah because friends and family never sugar coat things or tell you what you want to hear or just go along with what you want so they spare your feelings, all the while thinking that what you are doing is rude.

Actually the ones I trust don't sugar coat, but you keep thinking that I am completely clueless while I think the exact same thing about you. I'm doing the event, no matter what some strangers on a random wedding website tell me is rude in their mind. For us, it works. For you, it doesn't. Thankfully, you're not invited.

Yes. Thank heavens for that.

flantastic · April 2015

notdoingitbythebook said:

Maggie0829 said:

notdoingitbythebook said:

flantastic said:

notdoingitbythebook said:

flantastic said:

aurianna said:
As long as there are things to do / places to go go during the screening.

Maybe I'm an odd duck.
I'm happy to go to a wedding ceremony if I'm invited.

If the ceremony was playing throughout somewhere, low key, I'd probably watch at least part of it at some point in the evening.

But the second you put it on a big screen in front of me and expect to me to spend 30 minutes of my life just sitting there watching a ceremony that already happened, I'd get rammy. It would seem AWish to me and I'd probably feel trapped and bored and forced to watch a quasi-redo, when really I'd just want to get on with the party.

So just make sure that the lights aren't dimmed to the point of people's not being able to see where they're going, that the setup isn't a way in which guests will feel singled out/shamed for not sitting through it, and that guests not wanting to watch it will be able to congregate somewhere where they will be able to talk without interrupting the show but won't feel quarantined.

This was my point, @notdoingitbythebook. Just because there are guests (I don't care if they're aunt or other friends or family, I just used aunts as an example) who want to see this, do not mean you should subject everyone to it. There will be people who are like "Oh, God, really? We're going to watch a video of them doing the whole thing that happened a while ago? Can't we just celebrate with them and call it a day?" And that amounts to poor hosting.
edit for tag
Okie dokie. Thanks for your opinion.

Okie dokie, you're welcome. It's clear that you don't give a shit about being rude to your guests at this point, but I'll probably continue to respond to you for the benefit of anyone else who may be reading.

Considering that this place is the only place I've come across with such militant rules for etiquette (and I've studied Victorian etiquette so the militancy here is oddly impressive), I'm going to take this place with a huge grain of salt and say that this opinion of "THAT'S RUDE" is not generally accepted. I'm going to go with the people who actually know us and know how we roll and our family and friends roll. They carry a lot more weight than random internet people. Sorry. Not sorry.
Yeah because friends and family never sugar coat things or tell you what you want to hear or just go along with what you want so they spare your feelings, all the while thinking that what you are doing is rude.

Actually the ones I trust don't sugar coat, but you keep thinking that I am completely clueless while I think the exact same thing about you. I'm doing the event, no matter what some strangers on a random wedding website tell me is rude in their mind. For us, it works. For you, it doesn't. Thankfully, you're not invited.

Maybe you should study actual etiquette. Or perhaps common sense, which is where most of this etiquette comes from. This is why we too give thanks that we are not invited.

notdoingitbythebook · April 2015

flantastic said:

notdoingitbythebook said:

Maggie0829 said:

notdoingitbythebook said:

flantastic said:

notdoingitbythebook said:

flantastic said:

aurianna said:
As long as there are things to do / places to go go during the screening.

Maybe I'm an odd duck.
I'm happy to go to a wedding ceremony if I'm invited.

If the ceremony was playing throughout somewhere, low key, I'd probably watch at least part of it at some point in the evening.

But the second you put it on a big screen in front of me and expect to me to spend 30 minutes of my life just sitting there watching a ceremony that already happened, I'd get rammy. It would seem AWish to me and I'd probably feel trapped and bored and forced to watch a quasi-redo, when really I'd just want to get on with the party.

So just make sure that the lights aren't dimmed to the point of people's not being able to see where they're going, that the setup isn't a way in which guests will feel singled out/shamed for not sitting through it, and that guests not wanting to watch it will be able to congregate somewhere where they will be able to talk without interrupting the show but won't feel quarantined.

This was my point, @notdoingitbythebook. Just because there are guests (I don't care if they're aunt or other friends or family, I just used aunts as an example) who want to see this, do not mean you should subject everyone to it. There will be people who are like "Oh, God, really? We're going to watch a video of them doing the whole thing that happened a while ago? Can't we just celebrate with them and call it a day?" And that amounts to poor hosting.
edit for tag
Okie dokie. Thanks for your opinion.

Okie dokie, you're welcome. It's clear that you don't give a shit about being rude to your guests at this point, but I'll probably continue to respond to you for the benefit of anyone else who may be reading.

Considering that this place is the only place I've come across with such militant rules for etiquette (and I've studied Victorian etiquette so the militancy here is oddly impressive), I'm going to take this place with a huge grain of salt and say that this opinion of "THAT'S RUDE" is not generally accepted. I'm going to go with the people who actually know us and know how we roll and our family and friends roll. They carry a lot more weight than random internet people. Sorry. Not sorry.
Yeah because friends and family never sugar coat things or tell you what you want to hear or just go along with what you want so they spare your feelings, all the while thinking that what you are doing is rude.

Actually the ones I trust don't sugar coat, but you keep thinking that I am completely clueless while I think the exact same thing about you. I'm doing the event, no matter what some strangers on a random wedding website tell me is rude in their mind. For us, it works. For you, it doesn't. Thankfully, you're not invited.

Maybe you should study actual etiquette. Or perhaps common sense, which is where most of this etiquette comes from. This is why we too give thanks that we are not invited.

If I felt that you actually understood etiquette then I'd consider that an insult. However, since I really don't give a llama what you think, it's nothing more than an eyeroll. Nice try though. It's a shame you'll miss the festivities, everyone's looking forward to it.

climbingsingle · April 2015

Please don't subject your guests to having to watch the ceremony. Download the video onto a tablet or something and let people know it's available to watch if they'd like.

aurianna · April 2015

notdoingitbythebook:

Etiquette = hosting an event with your
guests' comfort as your number one priority and ensuring all your guests are
treated with common courtesy.

Unless every single one of your guests told you they want to watch your wedding video, making the event into a large AW ceremony screening is going to possibly bore/inconvenience some of your guests. If you are willing to bore/inconvenience even some of your guests, you aren't following etiquette.
Now, if you follow my previous suggestions it's probably ok. But it's just important to remember that all guests' comfort must be taken into account.

I personally don't have large issue with a second party as long as there's no bridal party and wedding stuff... But I do want to caution against the whole "my nearest and dearest would never sugar coat things."
Because
A) You're still inviting other people besides you're nearest and dearest who will lie to spare your feelings.

Your nearest and dearest are also going to sugar coat it no matter what you think.

Everyone picks their battles. And while some people might be brutally honest more often than not, there will be times where people will make a judgement that it's not worth rocking the boat if it's not a dire issue.
Your ceremony screening, wedding tour, is not a dire issue.

But whatev. As long as you take all your guests' comfort into account, you should be ok.

CMGragain · April 2015

Etiquette rules do change over time. Victorian etiquette rules are often quite different than current ones. Etiquette changes as our society changes.

Some PPs have made good observations about your plans.

1. Don't make decisions about your guests ability to attend your wedding. Give them the choice to accept or decline.

2. Think about what motivates your decision to have subsequent parties celebrating your marriage. Why isn't one wedding day enough for you? Are you looking for more attention, or more gifts? This is why a second reception is sometimes side-eyed.

3. Why not just invite your friends and family to an open house or a cookout? Why make it about your wedding? After all, you can have as many family get-togethers as you wish.

kwiksilver · April 2015

Wow, I didn't really expect this to devolve into a catty debate over the validity of having celebrations.

Personally, I would rather just elope and call it a day, but vast and complicated family dynamics (and some of the people writing cheques for this whole shebang) have brought us to this point. I didn't really think I needed to get into all the WHY's of the thing (did you pack a lunch? We could be here a while in that event) because I didn't think it really went against etiquette to host a party at the behest of my very elderly grandmother or the rest of my family. Honestly, it's the least I could do (and a thing my cousins did NOT do, much to the disappointment of pretty much everyone).

I just wanted to make sure that if we were going to do the thing, that it was done properly. So, thank you to the persons who offered helpful advice. We will not round everyone up and force them to watch a video. We will have a properly hosted party with chairs, food, and an open bar. We will not make it a re-creation, just a chance to drink champagne and have a good time.

Also, everyone will be invited to everything, I just happen to know both of my audiences very well, since there aren't that many of them on either side. I am fairly positive all the cross-inviting will be unnecessary, but I will do so anyway, as I think I mentioned already.

I'm not trying to be rude, but this is my first post on The Knot and I'm kind of put-off. It's not that I don't have thick skin, I guess I just expected less judgyness (although now that I'm reading more past threads, that kind of seems to be the name of the game here). This isn't intended as an attack, just an unfortunate observation. Some engaged friends said they did find a lot of help and support here, but maybe I am just doing it wrong.

Thanks again to everyone who weighed in.

chibiyui · April 2015

Knottie1428886375 said:
Wow, I didn't really expect this to devolve into a catty debate over the validity of having celebrations.

Personally, I would rather just elope and call it a day, but vast and complicated family dynamics (and some of the people writing cheques for this whole shebang) have brought us to this point. I didn't really think I needed to get into all the WHY's of the thing (did you pack a lunch? We could be here a while in that event) because I didn't think it really went against etiquette to host a party at the behest of my very elderly grandmother or the rest of my family. Honestly, it's the least I could do (and a thing my cousins did NOT do, much to the disappointment of pretty much everyone).

I just wanted to make sure that if we were going to do the thing, that it was done properly. So, thank you to the persons who offered helpful advice. We will not round everyone up and force them to watch a video. We will have a properly hosted party with chairs, food, and an open bar. We will not make it a re-creation, just a chance to drink champagne and have a good time.

Also, everyone will be invited to everything, I just happen to know both of my audiences very well, since there aren't that many of them on either side. I am fairly positive all the cross-inviting will be unnecessary, but I will do so anyway, as I think I mentioned already.

I'm not trying to be rude, but this is my first post on The Knot and I'm kind of put-off. It's not that I don't have thick skin, I guess I just expected less judgyness (although now that I'm reading more past threads, that kind of seems to be the name of the game here). This isn't intended as an attack, just an unfortunate observation. Some engaged friends said they did find a lot of help and support here, but maybe I am just doing it wrong.

Thanks again to everyone who weighed in.

FWIW, I don't think any of the "judgy" responses were directed to your post. Nearly everyone said it was fine to have a "celebration of marriage" party, just to avoid wedding trappings and a captive audience screening of your ceremony.

Viczaesar · April 2015

Maggie0829 said:
I am sure this is going to make me sound like a grump, but I have never understood having a second party after the wedding. If people can't make the wedding, they can't make it. I don't get the whole traveling wedding/marriage celebration tour. Your friends and family will be able to go on with their lives if they don't attend your wedding, and they will certainly be able to survive if you don't have a marriage celebration.

I don't think they're necessary, but I'm not against them and I'm quite happy that my sister is throwing one for my nephew and his fiancee. Literally nobody from our side of the family is able to travel to his wedding in the middle of the country with the exception of his parents and possibly me. We wish we could go and still want to celebrate with them.

julieanne912 · April 2015

My MOH got married in Belize at a resort that could only hold 40 people (they rented out the entire resort). That was basically immediate family and a few really really close friends. After they returned they had a party in DC, where he and his family are from, and a party in Denver, where she and her family are from. I attended the Denver party (I lived in Chicago at the time) and it was just a great cocktail style party. She wore her dress, but it was a short halter type dress so it wasn't very weddingy to begin with. Otherwise there wasn't much about the wedding anywhere. I had a great time and the other guests looked like they did too.

I was not offended at all that I wasn't invited to her wedding in Belize, and even if I had been, I couldn't have attended anyway as it would have been an expensive prospect. We weren't super close back then but I was very happy to attend their celebration party as it was much cheaper to attend and could be done without taking much time off work.

artbyallie · April 2015

Knottie#s, if you feel this is 'judgy' and 'catty,' you might be better off just disconnecting your internet right now. I mean, heaven forbid you read a YouTube comment some day or discover Reddit. This? This is positively cuddly.

mikenberger · April 2015

artbyallie said:
Knottie#s, if you feel this is 'judgy' and 'catty,' you might be better off just disconnecting your internet right now. I mean, heaven forbid you read a YouTube comment some day or discover Reddit. This? This is positively cuddly.

Second Reception/Marriage Celebration (What Is Acceptable)

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