Chit Chat

Would YOU Want to Know?


Back story (kind of long):

I used to work with a couple at a previous company. The guy ended up getting let go for "inappropriate internet conduct" (re: sexting on the work computer) with two female coworkers -- neither of which were his significant other. The couple broke up as a result of this and later got back together.

I now work at a different company with the guy. The girlfriend does not work here. It is a known fact among everyone in the department that he is fooling around with several girls we work with.

The couple announced their engagement last spring and everyone thought for sure he would cool it down and start being faithful to her. Not a chance - he had lunch with a different woman almost every day and would openly admit to some that there is something going on with each of them.

His fiancé and I are friends on social media (I will say I am more inclined to call her my friend than him, although I have always avoided hanging out with her outside of work because I find it awkward that I know he is cheating on her). During their engagement, she would post almost daily updates of the wedding planning process and how excited she was. This was very sad to me, but I didn't feel it was my place to say anything to her and just hoped that he would get his act together after they were married.

Well, they are now married and he is still all over the place. He even flirted with me a few weeks ago - I asked him how the wedding went and he used that as an "in" to start instant messaging me several times a week on the work computer about non-work related things and even went so far as to call my cell phone one night, which I think is super inappropriate and odd (before you ask, he only has my number because I gave him a ride to work before, at his fiancés request).

I'm always quick to shut him down and bean dip out of whatever conversation he tries to start, but he still has his other women.

I don't think I will ever take any sort of action to let his now-wife know about this because it's just too messy and made even more complicated by the fact that I work with the guy.

But just out of curiosity...would you want to know?

Do you know anybody going through the same thing?
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Re: Would YOU Want to Know?

  • NowIamMrsKleinNowIamMrsKlein Cold Canadian North (British Columbia) member
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    I've never been in that situation so I'm not fully sure what I would want. 

    BUT

    I think if I were that girl and I found out on my own that he was cheating and then to top it off that multiple people knew and didn't tell me I would be devastated. If multiple people who I considered friends let me get married to a man who was cheating on me with several other woman, I would have a hard time understanding why. And it would be an additional blow.

    HOWEVER.

    I have no idea what I would do if I was in your position. I don't know how you would broach the topic to her.


    Bottom line, I feel like she deserves to have all the information and then to come to a decision on what to do with it on her own.


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    Kahlyladoeydo
  • Blergbot said:

    I would have wanted to know BEFORE I married the guy.

    This. If you do decide to tell her, you also have to make sure you are prepared to answer the question of how long you've known. 
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  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 The hills of Tennessee member
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    edited April 2015

    Sure I would want to know, but their marriage is none of anyone's business but their own.  Who's to say that she's not out doing the same thing and they are just ok with it? Then you (general you) by telling her about his indiscretions look like a busybody.  And that's just not cool.

    ETA: I doubt if they have broken up before over his indiscretions that his wife is ok with what he is doing, I was just trying to play devil's advocate, to point out that it's never ok to butt in to someone else's marriage.

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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
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    I would want to know if I were her, but I wouldn't want to be the one to tell her if I were you.

    Years ago I was really close friends with a couple. Like, hang out every day, close. She was cheating on him and I told him. She was pissed, he was thankful. I had the same, "well I'd want to know if this were my boyfriend" thought and I was super close with these people. Maybe I was a dick and maybe I shouldn't have said anything but I did. 

    But there's no way I would say something to someone I didn't consider to be a best friend. 
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  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
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    Yeah, I would have told her before the wedding.  But, I'd definitely want to know either way.

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  • Also, has others have pointed out, you don't know that he's "cheating" in the traditional sense. It's possible they have rules and are both allowed to engage in this behavior and it's okay. For all you know, they broke up the first time because the other women were people they both worked with and that broke one of their rules but they talked it over and reestablished boundaries and he's not doing anything wrong in terms of their relationship. 
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  • littlepeplittlepep South Carolina member
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    edited April 2015
    Yeah I agree with PPs that I would want to know, but it's also not your place/business to say anything. 

    I think if you literally witnessed an affair that might be different, but you really didn't see anything but flirting/texting. 

    ETA: She probably knows given that they've broken up over his sexting before. That or she chooses to ignore the situation. 
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  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta member
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    I don't know how much detail I'd go into, but I would definitely at least tell her that he's been contacting you and you feel weird about it. What if she gets suspicious (highly likely) and sees he's been contacting you all the time? That makes you look bad as well. 
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    I would want to know. But not from a co-worker. I don't know why but I'd really only want to have that conversation with someone I was extremely close to - my best friend or a family member. Anyone else and I'd be annoyed they were getting involved in my personal life, which is none of their business. Obviously, ideally I'd want my partner to tell me himself.

    In terms of me telling someone else that their partner is cheating, I'd only consider it if it was a best friend or family member. And even then I can't say for sure what I would do. I hesitate to get that involved in other people's personal lives, especially their marriage. I don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I don't know if the other person already knows or is okay with what's going on. And it can just get so messy so quickly and I don't want to insert myself into anything that might already be going on in their relationship.



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  • He has admitted that he has cheated physically. His best friend and coworker told us yesterday "ehh...he's getting better" but didn't sound so sure.

    As for the arrangement/agreement part of it, I've seen her repost memes/articles about cheating with the caption "Husband/Fiancé you better not do this to me!" So if there is an agreement it's (understandably) something she doesn't want to advertise.

    Additionally, since she was well aware of situation in the past a part of me thinks she's just in denial.

    I am 100% certain I will not ever tell her because like others have said it's pretty much "too late" at this point and although I consider her to be more of a friend than him, we are not really "friends" so to speak because I have purposely avoided getting close to her for this very reason.

    I really just wanted to see how any of you would feel in this situation.
  • plainjane0415plainjane0415 The hills of Tennessee member
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    lyndausvi said:

    I would think most people would like to say they would want to know.


    However,  that doesn't mean most people are actually willing to hear the words, let alone believe them.    


    It sounds like you are only FB friends.  Which to me means you are not close enough to know the real story about their relationship to say something.


    THIS.
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  • hicocohicoco Chicago member
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    I have always said to my friends I would want to know. However..my good friend has a sister who had a boyfriend who was messing around on her. I knew. I did NOT say anything because I knew the sister wouldn't believe it. 2 years later and she found out herself and dumped him..but every situation is different.
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  • I would think most people would like to say they would want to know.

    However,  that doesn't mean most people are actually willing to hear the words, let alone believe them.    


    It sounds like you are only FB friends.  Which to me means you are not close enough to know the real story about their relationship to say something.

    I've been cheated on -- he didn't tell me until he broke up with me which a) was so ridiculously cowardly and b) meant he'd been gaslighting me for some time because I had expressed suspicions to him previously. 

    That being said, even with my own suspicions, if someone other than him had told me he was cheating I don't know if I would have believed them (that gaslighting got in my brain good) 
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  • From your second post, it sounds like this chick "knows"..... But is one of those people who can't face it and let go. I mean, she married the dude after she found out about several affairs.

    I've had friends like this. Dating awful guys who run around on them. One high school friend in particular...I told her every time I knew something. He would call ME looking to hook up and I'd tell her. She would write it off or blame the 'other girls' for being temptresses..really? I stopped telling her stuff. Some people "know" but they just don't want to really know.
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  • psiloveyouupsiloveyouu member
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    edited April 2015
    Again, just to be clear, I have already made up my mind that I am not saying anything.

    Posted this in the Chit-Chat board because I really got to thinking about if I were in her shoes, I honestly don't know if I would want to know...

    Although I am not close to this couple, it really bothers me to see this going on. I guess because I am engaged now and don't understand how someone can be willing to make the commitment to marry someone if they are still going to do whatever the hell they want? Why not just break up with the person?

    I openly admit it's none of my business but I can't help but be disgusted when I see him.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
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    redoryx said:

    I would think most people would like to say they would want to know.

    However,  that doesn't mean most people are actually willing to hear the words, let alone believe them.    


    It sounds like you are only FB friends.  Which to me means you are not close enough to know the real story about their relationship to say something.

    I've been cheated on -- he didn't tell me until he broke up with me which a) was so ridiculously cowardly and b) meant he'd been gaslighting me for some time because I had expressed suspicions to him previously. 

    That being said, even with my own suspicions, if someone other than him had told me he was cheating I don't know if I would have believed them (that gaslighting got in my brain good) 


    I dated a guy for 5 years.  I suspected, even accused him.  Which, of course, he denied.   Even then I'm not sure I would have taken the word of a casual friend.   

    When it was all discovered I could not believe I didn't follow my own instincts. It tore me up for a very long time.    I guess I just didn't really want to know.






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  • wandajune6wandajune6 Chicago-ish member
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    I can't say it any better than @lyndausvi. But I will share an experience.

    Years ago (13, eeek!), a friend was engaged to a guy that was pretty flirtatious. He ended up hooking up with another friend of mine who didn't know him (we were in college and it was separate groups of friends). I told the friend that she was cheated on.

    It was a mess. She accused me to lying out of jealous. She told me that I was confused and he was just flirting. She told me that my other friend lied. Endless justifications and excuses. She never forgave me and never spoke to me again. She told anyone who would listen that I was spreading lies about them (I told one person while talking through what to do. He never shared the information.)  She hated me. No one believed her but it was embarrassing.

    As I understand it, they got married and he kept cheating. I have no idea what happened longer term.

    There can be definite fall-out to telling someone what they don't want to hear.
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  • I would want to know. I can't see how this girl would not know. He practically flaunts his infidelity around to anyone who will listen, from your description.
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
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    My ex boyfriend cheated on me. I never trusted the guy and he went to visit friends at college. When he came back, he insisted that he hadn't done anything and kissed my ass (dude proposed to me. I was 17 and in high school. he had no ring, he just kind of asked. I told him he couldn't afford it). That night I was driving home and my friend called me. His brother, coincidentally, was myspace friends with one of the college friends and she'd posted a picture of them making out. They told me and I listened - I knew the relationship was bullshit anyway. But I can see where people would be so upset that they don't want to believe it and it's easier to deny and make excuses for shit you didn't even do than admit to yourself that the "love of your life" would do something like that to you. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
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    I would want to know. 

    I found out that someone I dated briefly before my husband had lied to me and told me he was divorced. I really struggled with whether or not to contact his wife. I ultimately decided to not contact her. 
    With this woman, it sounds like she knows. They broken up once because of his infidelity and from the things you're saying she posts to FB - that says to me on some level, she knows but doesn't want to admit it. 
  • I wouldn't want to know office gossip, no. Unless it's something you (general) have participated in or directly witnessed, nothing is a "known fact." Tell me actual facts, or butt out. 

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  • banana468banana468 member
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    edited April 2015
    This is so tricky and it's such a slippery slope.   But this involves the health of someone else and for that reason I'd want to know.   When my college BF confirmed after we broke up that he'd cheated on me with 3 of my friends I was pissed that I didn't trust my gut.   But I was also pissed that friends knew and just didn't say anything to me because they thought it was best to stay out of it.   

    If I was friends with the person and I knew for a fact that the relationship was not open but assumed monogamous, I'd tell and I'd want to be told.     

    ETA - I wouldn't WANT to know.   I wouldn't LIKE knowing.   But for the sake of my health I would NEED to know.   Especially now that I'm responsible to raise two other people, it's irresponsible to be in the dark because ignorance is bliss. 
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  • littlepeplittlepep South Carolina member
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    I can't say it any better than @lyndausvi. But I will share an experience.

    Years ago (13, eeek!), a friend was engaged to a guy that was pretty flirtatious. He ended up hooking up with another friend of mine who didn't know him (we were in college and it was separate groups of friends). I told the friend that she was cheated on.

    It was a mess. She accused me to lying out of jealous. She told me that I was confused and he was just flirting. She told me that my other friend lied. Endless justifications and excuses. She never forgave me and never spoke to me again. She told anyone who would listen that I was spreading lies about them (I told one person while talking through what to do. He never shared the information.)  She hated me. No one believed her but it was embarrassing.

    As I understand it, they got married and he kept cheating. I have no idea what happened longer term.

    There can be definite fall-out to telling someone what they don't want to hear.

    This is the case in a lot of stories I know as well. It seems like unless they catch the person red-handed or the other person specifically admits it, they don't want to believe it. 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
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    Coming to terms that your SO is an asshole is tough.  

    Mostly because people don't want to believe they could love and support such a person.   I know I didn't.  As long I as I believed he wasn't cheating I could ignore the fact that I choose to be with such a person.  

    After we broke up it took a really long time to trust potential SOs.  And it wasn't really me trusting them.  Nope it was me trusting myself to make the correct choice and not pick another asshole.






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  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
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    And if she sees this thread?

    I think it's condescending and dismissive to assume this woman already knows. She woman may be getting exposed to STDs, but hey, ya wouldn't want to look like a busybody.



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  • banana468 said:

    This is so tricky and it's such a slippery slope.   But this involves the health of someone else and for that reason I'd want to know.   When my college BF confirmed after we broke up that he'd cheated on me with 3 of my friends I was pissed that I didn't trust my gut.   But I was also pissed that friends knew and just didn't say anything to me because they thought it was best to stay out of it.   


    If I was friends with the person and I knew for a fact that the relationship was not open but assumed monogamous, I'd tell and I'd want to be told.     

    ETA - I wouldn't WANT to know.   I wouldn't LIKE knowing.   But for the sake of my health I would NEED to know.   Especially now that I'm responsible to raise two other people, it's irresponsible to be in the dark because ignorance is bliss. 
    It's all hypothetical right now, but I've told FH that if he ever meets someone he feels he needs to "know" in the biblical sense, we should have a conversation about it because he needs to be sure to keep me safe.  

    I don't think it's fair to ask someone to never have sex ever again for the rest of his life, so if I ever became uninterested in sex (pregnancy, illness, depression), he should feel free to get sex elsewhere if that helps him stay with me through whatever ails me.  It's just unfair to say, "well, I don't want sex.  and since you're only allowed to have sex with me, you're not going to have sex either."

    So, to answer the original question, I feel like I WOULD know and therefore wouldn't need you to tell me.
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