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I gotta ask this PPD related vent

AlexisA01AlexisA01 Dubai, my royal playground. member
500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
Why are PPD's so important!? I can not wrap my head around how JOP ceremonies are not "real weddings" by the PPD'ers and that the notion of anything other than wearing the dress, walking down the aisle, eating cake, etc are not sufficient enough for people. It irks me. I know too many people that are having PPDs and when approached by other friends  calling them out because they are having one, they are like we don't FEEL married...I just don't get it knotties....

Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.

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Re: I gotta ask this PPD related vent

  • lurkergirllurkergirl ATL member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    FI and I were just talking about these.  He learned the term from here (he secretly loves TK more than I do; always peekin' over my shoulder), and he told me today that one of his work friends is missing our wedding to go to his wife's friend's ppd.  Totally lame.




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  • JennyColadaJennyColada Awesometown, CA member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I really don't understand this either. Like, I just don't get who taught these people what constitutes as a wedding (and what doesn't). The concept of a PPD never even entered into my mind until TK.
  • falsarafalsara Northside of Chicago member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    It boggles me too.  I've been on TK for two years and I still can't understand why PPDs are a thing.  I also don't know what I so important about them.  I never heard the term until I came here.  How have people grown up thinking that a dress or a party are more important than the moment they became married.

                                               

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    CMGragain
  • AlexisA01AlexisA01 Dubai, my royal playground. member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    It's like the legal aspect of a marriage is not important but instead the the symbolic meaning of the party reflects matrimony...I just don't get it.

    Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.

  • It's Disney Princess Syndrome combined with an elevated sense of entitlement. 

    I've known lots of women who had big fancy weddings but none of have ever said they deserved it. They had generous parents or saved their money, etc, but never did they think it was something they were magically entitled to just for the simple fact that somebody asked to marry them.

    The "I deserve this" argument only ever seems to come from women who are having a PPD. These also always seem to be the only women who use the "It's the BRIDE'S day" argument as well. 
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  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited April 2015
    Not to be mean, especially considering what you are going through, but weren't you planning on having a "traditional Japanese ceremony" in Japan after your wedding? How is that different from a ppd? I don't see much difference front that and a ppd a that everyone knows the couple is already married. Do you need the second ceremony to feel married? Why have the the after ahr and what not that you were planning?

    Personally, I think both scenarios are ostentatious, but that's just me.

    I'm just curious since you started the conversation, otherwise I would never ask out of respect for your broken engagement.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • AlexisA01AlexisA01 Dubai, my royal playground. member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited April 2015

    Not to be mean, especially considering what you are going through, but weren't you planning on having a "traditional Japanese ceremony" in Japan after your wedding? How is that different from a ppd? I don't see much difference front that and a ppd a that everyone knows the couple is already married. Do you need the second ceremony to feel married? Why have the the after ahr and what not that you were planning?

    Personally, I think both scenarios are ostentatious, but that's just me.

    I'm just curious since you started the conversation, otherwise I would never ask out of respect for your broken engagement.

    That was something that was being considered and pushed by his family until we decided to scrap it (they offered to pay for the  entire wedding but requested that Traditional Japanese Ceremony) and I had to find an Muslim wedding officiant that wouldn't object to a multicultural/religious wedding after joining the knot. We didn't like the idea and we thought it was near a PPD, so we decided to plan our wedding our way, without their money. His mom really wanted us to go over to Japan and have a Japanese style dinner with his two grandparents. Oh I do not think you were being mean.

    Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.

  • littlepeplittlepep South Carolina member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    Because in today's age, some women just want the fancy wedding, they care less about the actual marriage.  

    This so much. People get so wrapped up in the idea of a wedding vs an actual marriage. I am so excited to celebrate with our friends and I love wedding planning but like I keep telling people who ask if I'm stressed out, as long as FI and I walk away married at the end of it, that's all that I truly care about.
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  • AlexisA01 said:

    Not to be mean, especially considering what you are going through, but weren't you planning on having a "traditional Japanese ceremony" in Japan after your wedding? How is that different from a ppd? I don't see much difference front that and a ppd a that everyone knows the couple is already married. Do you need the second ceremony to feel married? Why have the the after ahr and what not that you were planning?

    Personally, I think both scenarios are ostentatious, but that's just me.

    I'm just curious since you started the conversation, otherwise I would never ask out of respect for your broken engagement.

    That was something that was being considered and pushed by his family until we decided to scrap it (they offered to pay for the  entire wedding but requested that Traditional Japanese Ceremony) and I had to find an Muslim wedding officiant that wouldn't object to a multicultural/religious wedding after joining the knot. We didn't like the idea and we thought it was near a PPD, so we decided to plan our wedding our way, without their money. His mom really wanted us to go over to Japan and have a Japanese style dinner with his two grandparents. Oh I do not think you were being mean.
    Was it just his grandparents in Japan or like his parents and siblings, aunts and uncles, etc.?
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  • So I actually skipped a PPD tonight. Chose to sit home by myself instead, because that seemed like way more fun. (FI is out of town for his bachelor party)

    My mom was invited to the PPD (but wasn't invited to the actual wedding, which happened in Mexico, but she was invited to the bridal shower several months ago cuz ya know, gifts are super important). This chick is a major AW and a whole big mess of rude, so none of this really surprises me.

    The invite to the PPD was super casual, so I assumed it was more like "Hey we want to celebrate and have drinks with friends here in the US!" Whatever. Well, my mom went to this thing, and texted me earlier saying, "OMG, PPD Bride is in a wedding gown. Full-on catered meal (the food is awful though), big elaborate floral centerpieces, the whole nine. It's as if this is the actual wedding. I'm confused as to why it's so elaborate. This is not what I expected." lol

    Apparently she needed to have her really elaborate destination wedding (which was small because it was super expensive to go-- almost $3,000-- which is why I didn't go) but also needed the big AW celebration with lots of people, thus the US PPD. I mean, you don't get both. It's one or the other. But I guess this chick needed both.
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  • AlexisA01AlexisA01 Dubai, my royal playground. member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited April 2015

    AlexisA01 said:

    Not to be mean, especially considering what you are going through, but weren't you planning on having a "traditional Japanese ceremony" in Japan after your wedding? How is that different from a ppd? I don't see much difference front that and a ppd a that everyone knows the couple is already married. Do you need the second ceremony to feel married? Why have the the after ahr and what not that you were planning?

    Personally, I think both scenarios are ostentatious, but that's just me.

    I'm just curious since you started the conversation, otherwise I would never ask out of respect for your broken engagement.

    That was something that was being considered and pushed by his family until we decided to scrap it (they offered to pay for the  entire wedding but requested that Traditional Japanese Ceremony) and I had to find an Muslim wedding officiant that wouldn't object to a multicultural/religious wedding after joining the knot. We didn't like the idea and we thought it was near a PPD, so we decided to plan our wedding our way, without their money. His mom really wanted us to go over to Japan and have a Japanese style dinner with his two grandparents. Oh I do not think you were being mean.
    Was it just his grandparents in Japan or like his parents and siblings, aunts and uncles, etc.?
    Just the grandparents. They refused to step foot over here in the United States for many reasons. 

    Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.

  • Because in today's age, some women just want the fancy wedding, they care less about the actual marriage.  

    Yep, I knew a girl like this. She spent longer planning her wedding than she did being married. Whoops.
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  • littlepep said:

    Because in today's age, some women just want the fancy wedding, they care less about the actual marriage.  

    This so much. People get so wrapped up in the idea of a wedding vs an actual marriage. I am so excited to celebrate with our friends and I love wedding planning but like I keep telling people who ask if I'm stressed out, as long as FI and I walk away married at the end of it, that's all that I truly care about.



    This is my BSC sis. There are a ton of red flags in her relationship that she completely ignored prior to marriage because she really wanted to have a wedding. Her marriage has been very rough so far and I don't know if they can make it work. But at least she got her big, pretty wedding.

    Anniversary
  • WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl The Cold North member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think so many women get stuck on the idea that marriage is the be all and end all of life (until kids at least).  Their goal is to find a guy and get married.  And it probably doesn't help that so many older relatives/friends are constantly asking when they're going to settle down and find a guy à la Bridget Jones style.  I think it can be hard to be secure in yourself being alone with so much pressure.  Then we get sucked into the idea of getting married more so than the point of marriage itself
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    AlexisA01novella1186littlepep
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2015
    My sister had a Barbie doll wedding dress.  The original one was a cathedral creation of lace.  Every little girl wanted to have one.  Time for a feminist rant!
    We are conditioned by society to want to be the beautiful bride in the white dress.  Church and religion have declined.  Is it any wonder that so many confused girls focus on the dress and the party instead of the solemnity of the occasion?  We now have a respected wedding dress manufacturer who is designing dresses based on Disney princesses.  I understand they sell quite well, too.  Sigh!
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  • I understand the desire to have all the trimmings of a wedding, but I don't understand why people don't just wait to have that.  Why rush into a JOP wedding if that's not what you want?  I feel like most of the reasons why the person "had to get married RIGHT NOW" are BS.  They're just trying to con the system and get the legal benefits now and the fancy wedding later.

    I can kind of understand the desire for the big reception party... that was fun, and a part of me would love do it again (although I don't want to PLAN or PAY for it again lol!).  But I can't imagine for the life of me pretend marrying H again.  PPD ceremonies are just so bizarre.  "I take you... err...took you... as my husband.."  You already made those vows!

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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Because of TV and movies.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I've come to realize there are some people who just never seriously considered that you can have a "wedding" without a full on white-dress, fancy venue, full dinner.

    While discussing what I would want in my wedding with an already married friend, I mentioned I wanted breakfast food - thinking Sunday church clothes (not big white dress and a tux), nearest and dearest only, brunch, and then everyone moves along with their day.  And she just said "NO!  That's not a wedding!"  And we spent a half hour arguing over what constitutes a wedding and it finally ended with her just shaking her head and saying "Well, I've never heard of a wedding that wasn't at night."

    That statement dumbfounded me - are there really people out there who just have no clue that an evening wedding doesn't make you married and that there are other ways of having a wedding?  (I mean, clearly, because we see them here every day planning their PPD.)  Are there really people there who value the big party THAT much?  I think we've gotten to the point in society where we have so badly confused wants with needs - not just with weddings but with everything.  We don't need smartphones connecting us 24/7 - people survived for years with landlines and then flip-phones.  We don't need tablets - people survived for years with desktops and entertaining their kids with books.  We don't need fancy white dresses and ostentatious parties - people survived for years with simple ceremonies wearing their Sunday best.  Those are all wants, and if your wants can't happen, then you learn to satisfy your needs and be an adult and accept that.  You aren't entitled to have all your wants met.

    Truthfully, I'm also just fine with JOP.  The longer I hang out here, the older I get, the more I learn about just what I truly value in my life, the more and more I fall OUT of love with the notion of the big white wedding and fall IN love with the notion of being married to the person I love - no fanfare required.  Is it pretty to look at?  Yup.  I still like watching all those wedding shows on TLC.  But at the end of my TV binging, I know what I need.  And I would be exactly the same amount of married for the $115 the marriage license cost as I would be for the $1000 I would spend on brunch or the $20,000 I would spend on an evening wedding.  The 19,885 extra dollars doesn't make me MORE married.
  • AddieCake said:

    Because of TV and movies.

    QFT. Most people didn't bother with much beyond wearing their nicest clothes and getting hitched at church or in their living room or on their lawn with maybe cake and punch after, if that. I know one set of my grandparents and I actually think both got married with just parents in attendance on a weekday. I'm fairly certain neither of them have 'wedding pictures' at all.
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  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 Where the skies are so blue member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    AddieCake said:

    Because of TV and movies.

    QFT. Most people didn't bother with much beyond wearing their nicest clothes and getting hitched at church or in their living room or on their lawn with maybe cake and punch after, if that. I know one set of my grandparents and I actually think both got married with just parents in attendance on a weekday. I'm fairly certain neither of them have 'wedding pictures' at all.
    My mother did have the white dress, but the only people in attendance outside of immediate family were my mom's boss and his wife, and my parents' best friends and their SOs. It was in the church both my parents grew up in, and the only wedding pictures she had were taken by attendees. And I'm 90% sure she doesn't even have those any more.

    My parents are probably the same age as some Knotties' grandparents though. So there's that.
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  • littlepeplittlepep South Carolina member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    I think so many women get stuck on the idea that marriage is the be all and end all of life (until kids at least).  Their goal is to find a guy and get married.  And it probably doesn't help that so many older relatives/friends are constantly asking when they're going to settle down and find a guy à la Bridget Jones style.  I think it can be hard to be secure in yourself being alone with so much pressure.  Then we get sucked into the idea of getting married more so than the point of marriage itself

    People asked FI and I so many times when we were going to finally get married because we dated 6 years. We chose to buy a house first and get settled in our careers. When FI moved down from DC everyone thought we were going to get engaged right away. Nevermind that I didn't even have a stable job. 

    One of my other friends is the same way. She just finished school and started working. People can't understand when she says she didn't want to get engaged until she had a job first. Learning to take care of yourself and be an adult first is so important. 
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  • julieanne912julieanne912 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2015
    monkeysip said:

    I understand the desire to have all the trimmings of a wedding, but I don't understand why people don't just wait to have that.  Why rush into a JOP wedding if that's not what you want?  I feel like most of the reasons why the person "had to get married RIGHT NOW" are BS.  They're just trying to con the system and get the legal benefits now and the fancy wedding later.


    I can kind of understand the desire for the big reception party... that was fun, and a part of me would love do it again (although I don't want to PLAN or PAY for it again lol!).  But I can't imagine for the life of me pretend marrying H again.  PPD ceremonies are just so bizarre.  "I take you... err...took you... as my husband.."  You already made those vows!
    This.  I have a cousin who is about 30ish, who has been married FOUR times.  All to military, all JOP style weddings right before deployments.  The first three never made it far enough for a PPD though.  She did every single one for the benefits she gets for being married to military.  The first one was for the housing.  The second one was for schooling (she had a kid with this one too), the third one was because the second one finally realized she was BSC so he wanted a divorce, and she couldn't use his benefits anymore so she had to find another one.  This fourth one seems to be sticking, so far.. at least long enough to have two kids together.  I heard they did have a realish wedding too where he's from (none of us were invited as far as I know though, I just saw some pics and it looked like a real ceremony, she wore a white dress etc).  

    To people like her, it's not about the person she's marrying, it's about what she can get from them once married.  Her little sister got married in Vegas just so she could get emancipated and get better financial aid for school.  That one lasted 9 months.  She's remarried now (I think she's 22?) and it seems more legit at least.
    Married 9.12.15
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  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited April 2015
    I was thinking about this yesterday. My wedding was awesome, but I never want to do it again.  Looking back if we had decided to elope, I think I would have felt the teensiest bit sad about not having loved ones there, but would not have the slightest desire for a PPD. I don't get the point. I don't get vow renewals, either. I do not comprehend flippantly calling it a piece of paper. 

    I didn't want to wait a super long time to get married. We were engaged for 10 months I think. We could've waited longer to afford a fancier wedding, or we could have not waited at all and gone to the JOP. Both are real weddings. Can't have both. 

    I do think it would be fun sometime around our anniversary to rent out the venue again and have a similar party, but there wouldn't be anything wedding-ey about it. 

    And uh atheist here and I took my vows very seriously, seriously enough to not cave to my parents pressuring me to have a church wedding, thankyouverymuch.  God had NO place in my wedding at all. 
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    novella1186huskypuppy14
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2015

    My sister had a Barbie doll wedding dress.  The original one was a cathedral creation of lace.  Every little girl wanted to have one.  Time for a feminist rant!
    We are conditioned by society to want to be the beautiful bride in the white dress.  Church and religion have declined.  Is it any wonder that so many confused girls focus on the dress and the party instead of the solemnity of the occasion?  We now have a respected wedding dress manufacturer who is designing dresses based on Disney princesses.  I understand they sell quite well, too.  Sigh!
    I have to argue with the bolded, because I don't see that as part of the problem at all (at least from my perspective). I was raised Jewish, so I was never part of a church (I guess you could just use "synagogue" interchangeably but that never seems to be included in the sentiment, and it bothers me). Saying that there's a decline in church involvement or whatever kind of disregards anyone who wasn't raised with church in their life.

    And I'm atheist. I never grew up with the idea that marriage/weddings were about church and faith and god and religion, and there's no solemnity in it for me.

    I grew up with the idea that marriage meant you were entering a life-long union/commitment with the person you intend to build a life and have a future with. So to me, that's what my wedding is. I get to be with the love of my life forever. That's a heavy decision. I don't need church or religion to understand that it's huge and important, and not at all about the big fancy party. It's not really fair to disregard people like me and make a blanket-statement that not having church is a problem for women these days.

    You can have an absence of religion and still have a solid idea of what marriage means. I'm not one of those women who is only thinking about the party and the poofy dress, but I'm not thinking of god either.


    I agree with almost all you said Novella. The only issue, is that a marriage ceremony is a solemn occasion. It just means it's serious, it doesn't have to be related to religion.

    I was bothered by CMG's comment about church and religion too. There are plenty of us on this site that are not religious at all and know the wedding is about the marriage, not the party. Religion has nothing to do with it.


    Going to church and being religious does not make you a better person. There are plenty of bad people that are religious. 
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    falsaranovella1186redwoodoriginalCasadena
  • My sister had a Barbie doll wedding dress.  The original one was a cathedral creation of lace.  Every little girl wanted to have one.  Time for a feminist rant!
    We are conditioned by society to want to be the beautiful bride in the white dress.  Church and religion have declined.  Is it any wonder that so many confused girls focus on the dress and the party instead of the solemnity of the occasion?  We now have a respected wedding dress manufacturer who is designing dresses based on Disney princesses.  I understand they sell quite well, too.  Sigh!
    I have to argue with the bolded, because I don't see that as part of the problem at all (at least from my perspective). I was raised Jewish, so I was never part of a church (I guess you could just use "synagogue" interchangeably but that never seems to be included in the sentiment, and it bothers me). Saying that there's a decline in church involvement or whatever kind of disregards anyone who wasn't raised with church in their life.

    And I'm atheist. I never grew up with the idea that marriage/weddings were about church and faith and god and religion, and there's no solemnity in it for me.

    I grew up with the idea that marriage meant you were entering a life-long union/commitment with the person you intend to build a life and have a future with. So to me, that's what my wedding is. I get to be with the love of my life forever. That's a heavy decision. I don't need church or religion to understand that it's huge and important, and not at all about the big fancy party. It's not really fair to disregard people like me and make a blanket-statement that not having church is a problem for women these days.

    You can have an absence of religion and still have a solid idea of what marriage means. I'm not one of those women who is only thinking about the party and the poofy dress, but I'm not thinking of god either.
    I agree with almost all you said Novella. The only issue, is that a marriage ceremony is a solemn occasion. It just means it's serious, it doesn't have to be related to religion.

    I was bothered by CMG's comment about church and religion too. There are plenty of us on this site that are not religious at all and know the wedding is about the marriage, not the party. Religion has noting to do with it.


    Going to church and being religious does not make you a better person. There are plenty of bad people that are religious. 


    I guess I just have an issue with the connotations I apply to the word "solemn." I think of a marriage ceremony as joyful-- it's still serious, I mean it's a huge commitment, but to me the word solemn is more associated with something somber or even mournful. I know the denotation of the word. I guess I just have my own slightly skewed connotation.
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  • littlepep said:

    My sister had a Barbie doll wedding dress.  The original one was a cathedral creation of lace.  Every little girl wanted to have one.  Time for a feminist rant!
    We are conditioned by society to want to be the beautiful bride in the white dress.  Church and religion have declined.  Is it any wonder that so many confused girls focus on the dress and the party instead of the solemnity of the occasion?  We now have a respected wedding dress manufacturer who is designing dresses based on Disney princesses.  I understand they sell quite well, too.  Sigh!
    I have to argue with the bolded, because I don't see that as part of the problem at all (at least from my perspective). I was raised Jewish, so I was never part of a church (I guess you could just use "synagogue" interchangeably but that never seems to be included in the sentiment, and it bothers me). Saying that there's a decline in church involvement or whatever kind of disregards anyone who wasn't raised with church in their life.

    And I'm atheist. I never grew up with the idea that marriage/weddings were about church and faith and god and religion, and there's no solemnity in it for me.

    I grew up with the idea that marriage meant you were entering a life-long union/commitment with the person you intend to build a life and have a future with. So to me, that's what my wedding is. I get to be with the love of my life forever. That's a heavy decision. I don't need church or religion to understand that it's huge and important, and not at all about the big fancy party. It's not really fair to disregard people like me and make a blanket-statement that not having church is a problem for women these days.

    You can have an absence of religion and still have a solid idea of what marriage means. I'm not one of those women who is only thinking about the party and the poofy dress, but I'm not thinking of god either.
    I agree with almost all you said Novella. The only issue, is that a marriage ceremony is a solemn occasion. It just means it's serious, it doesn't have to be related to religion.

    I was bothered by CMG's comment about church and religion too. There are plenty of us on this site that are not religious at all and know the wedding is about the marriage, not the party. Religion has noting to do with it.


    Going to church and being religious does not make you a better person. There are plenty of bad people that are religious. 
    I guess I just have an issue with the connotations I apply to the word "solemn." I think of a marriage ceremony as joyful-- it's still serious, I mean it's a huge commitment, but to me the word solemn is more associated with something somber or even mournful. I know the denotation of the word. I guess I just have my own slightly skewed connotation.


    For the record, solemn doesn't have to mean somber at all.  Easter is the most "solemn" feast in the Church, but there's NOTHING somber about Easter!  It's the most joyous celebration!  Solemn doesn't need to mean that!

    And while marriage does have a particular spiritual meaning for me, I agree that you don't have to be religious to view marriage in the proper way.  And there are even some religious people who DON'T view marriage in the proper way, unfortunately.  

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2015
    monkeysip said:



    I guess I just have an issue with the connotations I apply to the word "solemn." I think of a marriage ceremony as joyful-- it's still serious, I mean it's a huge commitment, but to me the word solemn is more associated with something somber or even mournful. I know the denotation of the word. I guess I just have my own slightly skewed connotation.

    For the record, solemn doesn't have to mean somber at all.  Easter is the most "solemn" feast in the Church, but there's NOTHING somber about Easter!  It's the most joyous celebration!  Solemn doesn't need to mean that!

    And while marriage does have a particular spiritual meaning for me, I agree that you don't have to be religious to view marriage in the proper way.  And there are even some religious people who DON'T view marriage in the proper way, unfortunately.  

    connotation

    noun 
    the associated or secondary meaning of a word or expression in addition to its explicit or primary meaning: A possible connotation of “home” is “a place of warmth, comfort, and affection.”.

    ETF really weird formatting

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