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Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
freckles89
member
No Wedding Band?
I need some advice here!
My wedding is this August. While my fiancé and I were at dinner the other night the subject of wedding bands came up. We both went together and tried on bands and picked them out, but at dinner that night my fiancé claimed that he had no idea whatsoever that he or his family are responsible for buying my wedding band. I guess I was under the assumption that we each bought each others, and while I am ready to purchase his, he says he absolutely cannot buy mine and that I should buy my own or ask my dad to buy it for me. I don't see the meaning of buying my own wedding band or my dad buying it, so I was upset! I told him that I didn't need a band and that maybe down the road we can buy one, but now we don't know what to do.
Any advice on the subject? I thought everyone knew who bought the rings!
Thanks!
Rachel
This discussion has been closed.
Re: No Wedding Band?
My wedding is this August. While my fiancé and I were at dinner the other night the subject of wedding bands came up. We both went together and tried on bands and picked them out, but at dinner that night my fiancé claimed that he had no idea whatsoever that he or his family are responsible for buying my wedding band. I guess I was under the assumption that we each bought each others, and while I am ready to purchase his, he says he absolutely cannot buy mine and that I should buy my own or ask my dad to buy it for me. I don't see the meaning of buying my own wedding band or my dad buying it, so I was upset! I told him that I didn't need a band and that maybe down the road we can buy one, but now we don't know what to do.
Any advice on the subject? I thought everyone knew who bought the rings!
Thanks! Rachel
ETA: broken boxes
No one has any obligation to buy your wedding band. H and I bought each others, but we would certainly never have expected our families to pay. That's just ridiculous. We're adults and presumably you are too. Now, I'd be pretty damn hurt if H had not wanted to buy my band for me and you should probably have a frank discussion with your fiancé, particularly regarding finances. When people are married, 'my' money and 'your' money become 'our' money. H and I accordingly started treating ours that way when we got engaged, so it didn't ultimately matter that I bought his band and he bought mine. The money was basically coming out of the same pot since we were sharing expenses.
If other people OFFER to pay for things, you have the option of accepting that money - but the two of you and the two of you alone are the only two responsible for it.
So, sit down and have a discussion about money. Not just for your party and all the accessories that go with it, but for everything to come ahead because it seems like you maybe haven't had that discussion before or you would have known ahead of time what his financial situation was in terms of buying you a ring. Then, go pick out rings within your budget and make a plan for how to pay for them.
This baffles/scares me. How is this only coming up now? I feel like holding up a big STOP sign and saying you may not taste another cake sample, try on another dress, smell another flower, or do anything related to wedding planning until you get this stuff figured out.
You both need to sit down and talk about money. What you each have right now in terms of income and debt. THEN you need to talk about your goals, what you each feel you need to have on hand for emergencies, when you want to make big purchases, how you will make those purchases, what you need to save between now and then. The only money that matters is what you will be making and bringing into the household. Mommy and daddy are no longer a line item in your bank statement so just delete that right now.
If needed seek some premarital counseling. If this is not an option for whatever reason you can, at very least, google questions to talk about before marriage. Finances are always on those lists and they always want you both to be completely open and honest about how you view money and your current situation.
Good luck!
On a related note, there are no such thing as BM/GM "duties." Their only "duty" is to show up on time, sober, and in the dress/suit on the day of the wedding.
For us, I picked out and paid for J's ring (within his taste guidelines). He wanted me to pick it out, since he had picked out my engagement ring. Like PP's stated, though, at that point wedding expenses were pretty much coming out of the same pot, so we basically paid for it together. If I had wanted a wedding band, I would have ordered and paid for it at the same time. I don't have a wedding band. My engagement ring is a knockout on its own.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I think you may have other issues to talk about besides just the bands. For now, pick out a simple gold or silver band from Walmart or another department type store. You can upgrade it down the road when you are in a better place finacially. My sister actually wears her basic gold band every day instead of her actual wedding band due to her job. She is a surgical scrub nurse so wearing her wedding band that has her engagement diamond in it isn't an option. So she has a simple gold band for everyday wear.
My husband paid for the e-ring, I paid for both bands, it just worked out that way. To be honest, I was the one that saved up the money & paid for 80-90% of the wedding. Now a days, families have no responsibility to pay for anything for kids weddings. Yes there are traditions, but pretty much most couples get away from the financial traditions so that they can have total say of their wedding.
Two of my friends just eloped, and she has an "engagement ring" as her "wedding band" (the two were not openly engaged prior to marriage, so she did not get an e-ring in the traditional sense).
Even when I was engaged and did not have the wedding band, people would constantly ask me "are you married?" when I was just engaged. My dad also does not have a wedding band.
DH bought both of our wedding bands (and my e-ring). I originally wanted to buy his wedding band, but he got it on Amazon and it didn't make sense to wait to purchase just so that the shipping box would have my name on it.
I think that you've started thinking about this the right way, and I can see where your original feelings may have come from. But I also agree that they are silly emotions and it's great that you were able to look at the situation from a logical point-of-view!
I mean, that's a little silly.
Just because you "can" get something for super cheap at Walmart doesn't mean that that's the best option, or the option she wants, or the option she should settle with. I mean, I can buy jeans for $5, does that mean that I should buy that now just because I can't afford the $250 pair of jeans that I want right now? Or does that mean that I should not own any pants at all simply because I can't afford them right now?
Like seriously, stop judging people for having preferences that don't align with you "but you can buy it at Walmart!" ideas.
Him saying he "can't" buy the ring for you isn't necessarily a red flag for me but the fact that he suggested your dad buy it is really weird. It does make me wonder if it's a financial issue.
Your OP sure didn't make it sound like he sees you two as a team.