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Snarky Brides

On a scale of 1-10, how PPD is this?

My husband and I aren't able to live in the same country due to citizenship issues. We got married last year to get the visa application going. It was just family at a city hall. We were completely up front about this w all our friends, family members and anyone invited.

Now I am planning the reception/party. I am doing much of the usuals, but trying to avoid to word 'wedding', I am just calling it a celebration instead. I am still wearing a white dress, serving food, having an open bar, hiring the obligatory photo booth, etc.

Things I am not doing are having any sort of symbolic ceremony, wedding party, first dance, or announcement of the couple.

Anything else you think I should or shouldn't be doing since it's not a wedding, but a celebration? It is a slippery slope - I need you to keep me in check!
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Re: On a scale of 1-10, how PPD is this?

  • Meh, I think it's a 4. Mainly because you're wearing a wedding dress. 

    Obviously you can wear whatever you want, but I always find it odd when wives dress up like brides for this kind of thing. It makes me think they feel like their actual wedding wasn't good enough so they want the "bride" experience at this one... but not everyone agrees with me on this.
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  • I probably wouldn't judge you on this, especially since it sounds like you're not pretending that this is your wedding. Sounds like a fun party!

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

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    TheArtemisMoon
  • NowIAmSypNowIAmSyp East Hanover, NJ member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Meh... I give it a 1.  It sounds lovely- you're being upfront about everything and just having a celebration party.  The only reason why there's one point is because of the white dress... but all in all, sounds like a fun time!  
    KLM7386
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Sounds fine to me. I really don't care what you wear to a party you are hosting.

    Food and an open bar.... I am there!

    BabyFruit Ticker
    MollyandD
  • Phew. Thank you. I was ready for some harsh words.

    I totally agree on the dress. I was originally just going to wear a nice dress, but as I said, it's a slippery slope. Next thing I new I had a white lacy dress.

    I didn't mention that I do have a registry... It follows all the usual etiquette but do you think even having one in my situation is bad etiquette? 
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Phew. Thank you. I was ready for some harsh words.


    I totally agree on the dress. I was originally just going to wear a nice dress, but as I said, it's a slippery slope. Next thing I new I had a white lacy dress.

    I didn't mention that I do have a registry... It follows all the usual etiquette but do you think even having one in my situation is bad etiquette? 

    I don't know that a registry is bad etiquette. But I would side- eye it. You don't register for a party.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    levioosachibiyui
  • Get rid of the registry and I'll put you at a 2 on the PPD scale.  With the registry you're at about a 7.  If people are going to give you gifts, let them give you a check or a bottle of wine.  Buy things you'd have on your registry with any cash and enjoy the wine with your husband.  If people ask you where you're registered, tell them you're not registered.  If they insist (like I know my mom would), maybe point them to your personal amazon wishlist which has serving plates and garden implements on it (things that would work for both you and your husband and are kind of wedding gift-ish).  But definitely keep that on the DL and only for mom and grandma who specifically ask.
    madamerwin
  • Thanks for the additional thoughts. They were helpful.

    Spending over 30,000 on a party and getting nothing in return is a hard pill to swallow, but I guess I might have to. I know its poor form to be gift grabby, but it is only natural to think about the quid pro quo in these situations. 

    For example, when you are a guest it is proper etiquette to bring a gift that would cover the cost of your meal. I guess that all goes out the window since I am in an unusual situation.

    Thanks!
  • Thanks for the additional thoughts. They were helpful.


    Spending over 30,000 on a party and getting nothing in return is a hard pill to swallow, but I guess I might have to. I know its poor form to be gift grabby, but it is only natural to think about the quid pro quo in these situations. 

    For example, when you are a guest it is proper etiquette to bring a gift that would cover the cost of your meal. I guess that all goes out the window since I am in an unusual situation.

    Thanks!



    It was your choice to spend that much on a party, because you wanted it. People often give gifts on the occasion of your marriage. These are two separate things. The "cover your plate rule," even for weddings, is bullshit - you give what you want and can afford, because gifts are never obligatory.

    You'll probably still get some cards with money. You can accept that graciously and write thank you notes. But I would not do anything that that implies you think people would be giving you gifts, because throwing a party is not generally a gift-giving occasion.

    Yes, "cover your plate" is bullshit.  How the fuck am I supposed to know what you spent on my plate?  Should I call the venue to get an estimate?  Should I ask you?  I don't "cover my plate" when my friend invites me over for the Superbowl party.  Am I doing something wrong?  Should I be bringing my friend a check for what I estimate her sub sandwiches, party pasta, and beer costs when she invites me over?  

    I gift depending my financial situation at the time the gift is given, and my closeness with the couple, not because they have a huge registry.
    sophhabobophamomofbride530huskypuppy14
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Nix the registry, white dress (most people don't mind so whatever. I think it's PPD like though) and the attitude that people owe you gifts just because you chose to have a 30k party.

    Formerly martha1818

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    BostonLilly12
  • MollyandDMollyandD member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited April 2015
    The dress thing doesn't bother me. I wear white lace dresses that aren't bridal at all, but even if you wore a wedding dress, I wouldn't really care. It's not something I'd do, but it wouldn't hurt me as a guest. I think it's strange to spend 30k on a party, but even that isn't unheard of in some areas. 

    I do judge you for expecting gifts. I probably wouldn't think about buying a gift for a couple that didn't invite me to their actual wedding, unless I were good friends with one of them and wanted to give a gift. It wouldn't be a snub on my part. I just wouldn't think of it. 

    I'd put you at a 6 on the scale you requested. I was thinking 3 for honesty to guests, while possibly wearing a wedding dress. Your registry and hunger for gifts bumped it up for me. The 30k isn't helping, but since I don't know anything about your party or what it will be like, I'm trying to not let money be a factor.
    [Deleted User]chibiyui
  • Bottom line, if you are expecting to somehow recoup even a tenth of what you spend on any party, even a wedding, you need to reassess. Never throw a party expecting other people to pay for it. You pay; your guests are properly hosted; that should be the be-all-end-all result. Any gifts of any type are a bonus even if it happened to be a wedding and not edging into PPD territory.
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    CMGragain
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited April 2015

    Thanks for the additional thoughts. They were helpful.


    Spending over 30,000 on a party and getting nothing in return is a hard pill to swallow, but I guess I might have to. I know its poor form to be gift grabby, but it is only natural to think about the quid pro quo in these situations. 

    For example, when you are a guest it is proper etiquette to bring a gift that would cover the cost of your meal. I guess that all goes out the window since I am in an unusual situation.

    Thanks!
    You are kidding me with this right?  It was your fucking CHOICE to throw a party and spend $30K on it.  None of your guests owe you shit.

    lovegood90[Deleted User]CMGragain
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    Chiming in again- how on earth is this an "unusual situation," as you put it? The only thing unusual I see is that you're expecting to be showered with gifts by people who are celebrating an event you didn't even invite them to.

    Most people just get married and call it a day. They don't need to spend 30k to get even more attention. So actually yes, this is quite unusual.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • BouxRadleyBouxRadley DFW member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Originally I was giving you like a solid 2, but with every detail that pops up, I think at least another point is added. Celebration, white dress: 2. Registry: worth an extra 2 - you're at a 4. $30K: worth about 2.5 - you're at 6.5. Also, you brought up etiquette, knocking this one to about an 8.

    I think it's safe to say you're having a PPD. 
    [Deleted User][Deleted User]haleyk620chibiyui
  • The only thing that I would remove is the registry.  

    How much you spend on any party at all is up to you.  I plan parties for a living and people spend way more than that on birthday parties. If you have the money to spend, that is your choice and someone else looking down on you because they spent less is ridiculous.

    Photo booths are not over the top for any party.  I've booked them for children's parties, anniversaries, corporate gigs, whatever.  They are pretty common in my area.

    If your whole thing is that couples be honest and and not have fake ceremonies, then how is how much she spends an issue at all?

    And I repeat.  The registry is a bad idea.
    spockforprez
  • littlepeplittlepep South Carolina member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    redoryx said:

    The only thing that I would remove is the registry.  

    How much you spend on any party at all is up to you.  I plan parties for a living and people spend way more than that on birthday parties. If you have the money to spend, that is your choice and someone else looking down on you because they spent less is ridiculous.

    Photo booths are not over the top for any party.  I've booked them for children's parties, anniversaries, corporate gigs, whatever.  They are pretty common in my area.

    If your whole thing is that couples be honest and and not have fake ceremonies, then how is how much she spends an issue at all?

    And I repeat.  The registry is a bad idea.



    I think the issue with the $30K is the expectation the OP has that because she's hosting her guests at that level they somehow now need to step up to the plate gift wise and make sure it was worth it -- for her -- to spend that much money.

    If you're forking over that much money on a party just so your guests feel compelled to "cover their plate" and buy you something fancy or write you a big check, you're doing it wrong.

    This. Your party sounds perfectly fine, and I quite frankly wouldn't care what you wore. Don't throw this party with the expectations of gifts. You throw it because you want to celebrate with friends and family. 

    Also, lose the registry. IF, and that's a big if, someone wants to give a gift, they can give cash. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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  • edited April 2015
    Thanks guys. I've nixed the registry.

    A venue, food and an open bar for over 100 people adds up. Also add hotel rooms for family members and my flights. Final point on my budget - my family and his family have the money, so what does it matter? Obviously I could use it for a downpayment on a house or to feed the needy, but I am not.

    I for one don't ever show up to a party empty handed, regardless of the reason for the party. I see how a registry though is a bit too far. My guess is that with no registry there will be a lot of checks.

    Out a fear that I am turning in to the coffee service dilemma bride - I just want to say that I've accepted a high number on the PPD scale!


  • I agree that your budget doesn't matter. 30k is obviously a major financial event for most folks, so it does impact the "Should we do this at all and why?" calculus.

    If you don't get any gifts, no checks and nothing physical, are you still wanting to throw this party? If so, have an awesome time and congratulations! If not, you may need to take a step back and think about things. Throwing parties in anticipation of gifts defeats the point of throwing the party.
    hellohkbchibiyuihuskypuppy14
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Thanks guys. I've nixed the registry.


    A venue, food and an open bar for over 100 people adds up. Also add hotel rooms for family members and my flights. Final point on my budget - my family and his family have the money, so what does it matter? Obviously I could use it for a downpayment on a house or to feed the needy, but I am not.

    I for one don't ever show up to a party empty handed, regardless of the reason for the party. I see how a registry though is a bit too far. My guess is that with no registry there will be a lot of checks.

    Out a fear that I am turning in to the coffee service dilemma bride - I just want to say that I've accepted a high number on the PPD scale!


    But then you shouldn't expect your guests to give you money or gifts because you are spending $30K on a party that you chose to have.  That is the issue people are having with your prior post.  You are making it sound like you are owed something for throwing such an elaborate party.  You aren't owed anything.  You choose to spend the money how you want, but just because you spend that money on your guests doesn't mean that they owe you a gift in return.

    And sorry but to expect presents at, what is really, a pointless party is very entitled.  And just because you never come empty handed doesn't mean that others feel the same way.  Really depending on the type of party helps me to determine if a gift is necessary.  A nice dinner party, I will get the host a bottle of wine.  A birthday party, I will get the birthday boy/girl a gift.  A random party on a Saturday that someone threw together, not bringing anything.  A party that a couple is throwing to celebrate their marriage, not bringing anything.

    redoryx[Deleted User]
  • I agree that your budget doesn't matter. 30k is obviously a major financial event for most folks, so it does impact the "Should we do this at all and why?" calculus.

    If you don't get any gifts, no checks and nothing physical, are you still wanting to throw this party? If so, have an awesome time and congratulations! If not, you may need to take a step back and think about things. Throwing parties in anticipation of gifts defeats the point of throwing the party.

    I am SO excited for this party. His family and my family have never been all together since they live in different countries. My friends from the US have never been to the location of the party and they have never met my friends from the UK so I cannot wait.

    I had a registry because my mom told me to and other family members have asked about it. 
  • edited April 2015

    Thanks guys. I've nixed the registry.

    A venue, food and an open bar for over 100 people adds up. Also add hotel rooms for family members and my flights. Final point on my budget - my family and his family have the money, so what does it matter? Obviously I could use it for a downpayment on a house or to feed the needy, but I am not.

    I for one don't ever show up to a party empty handed, regardless of the reason for the party. I see how a registry though is a bit too far. My guess is that with no registry there will be a lot of checks.

    Out a fear that I am turning in to the coffee service dilemma bride - I just want to say that I've accepted a high number on the PPD scale!




    But then you shouldn't expect your guests to give you money or gifts because you are spending $30K on a party that you chose to have.
     That is the issue people are having with your prior post.  You are making it sound like you are owed something for throwing such an elaborate party.  You aren't owed anything.  You choose to spend the money how you want, but just because you spend that money on your guests doesn't mean that they owe you a gift in return.

    And sorry but to expect presents at, what is really, a pointless party is very entitled.  And just because you never come empty handed doesn't mean that others feel the same way.  Really depending on the type of party helps me to determine if a gift is necessary.  A nice dinner party, I will get the host a bottle of wine.  A birthday party, I will get the birthday boy/girl a gift.  A random party on a Saturday that someone threw together, not bringing anything.  A party that a couple is throwing to celebrate their marriage, not bringing anything.



    I feel like I should have used different words. I don't expect/want/wish for/hope for anything. I wouldn't be upset if I got nothing. I just know my guests and I am pretty sure they will be giving gifts. My husband and I live on different continents, so gifts are very far down on the list of things I want. Like I said, I am guessing (not expecting or hoping) that most guests will bring gifts.

    Sorry - I see how the word 'expects' comes off totally wrong. I meant 'expect' like 'predict' not as in 'demand'.
    ohannabelleBubblegum5586
  • You  need to realize that this isn't a wedding. So expecting gifts and/or checks isn't realistic. I never attend a party empty handed, but forjust a party, I usually bring a bottle of wine or a little basket with edible goodies. 

    It would be super awkward for me to bring a check to some gathering that's just a party. I mean, what?
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    Maggie0829
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