Why are evites a faux pas?

RezIpsa · April 2015

Hi guys,

I was hoping all you nice people could help me understand why electronic invitations are not OK. I have read several threads on them and still don't see the issue.

The arguments against seem to go like this:

1. Evites are too casual. Sending something through the post is more respectful of the level of seriousness that a wedding invitation indicates.

Roughly 99.99% of the stuff that comes in the mail is garbage. Ads for plastic surgery, coupons for the new bagel place down the road, etc. Everything important for the last ten years has come to me electronically.

2. Some your guests don't check email frequently or don't have accounts.

Not true for 100% of our potential guests. We communicate frequently with all of them by email and receive prompt replies.

3. Evites can get stuck in a spam filter.

True, but the mail isn't the most reliable thing either. I have had terrible problems in my current place and haven't received important stuff from my home owner's association because it got lost in the mail. They won't do electronic communication. I feel like the RSVP process would catch any these, if they even happen.

4. A physical invitation is "respectful" of your wedding.

I don't pretend to understand this one. I'm sure the delivery format has changed many times over human history, with much clutching of pearls every time. This is the new mode of communication. It gives the guest the exact same info, in a permanent form they can reference later if they need it, unlike a phone call or something. Our guests don't risk losing it or leaving it behind by accident on the day, because they can just call it up on their phones.

What am I not understanding? Isn't this just another evolution in delivery, akin to moving from handwritten invitations (the only acceptable method for a long time) to printed invitations? Why isn't it etiquette correct to save some trees, a bunch of postage, and provide the info and ability to RSVP in the most convenient format for our guests?

Maggie0829 · April 2015

E-vites to me signify backyard BBQs and a random party on a Saturday, not a wedding no matter how casual in nature it is. And now a days since so much is delivered via email I actually welcome and get excited when I get something besides bills and junk mail in my physical mail box.

Evites aren't against etiquette really, it is just that when it comes to your wedding a physical invitation is just overall nicer.

MyNameIsNot · April 2015

E-vites are not an etiquette breach in and of themselves. They are just too casual for most weddings.

Your invitation is to convey the formality of the event. An evite means extremely casual. Maybe one day that will evolve, but in 2015, evite = extremely casual. It also conveys the notion that it isn't a big deal event the way that a paper invitation does. People don't respect arrival times and RSVP requests with an evite.

I will say that an evite seemed to make sense for a wedding we went to a couple of years ago that was at the apartment complex pool. It was a shorts and tank tops type event, very much on par with your typical back yard BBQ. Only about half the people got there in time for the ceremony. Bride told me that they did it that way because they didn't want to make a big deal out of the wedding.

RezIpsa · April 2015

I could definitely see some of the evites I have seen being more casual, but that would be an issue of style as it is with paper invitations.

Seems like a circular process. Everyone says don't use evites, they are just for casual events, so no one receives evites for more formal events, so everyone perceives them as inherently more casual. I can't imagine getting the ones from Paperless Post for a casual event. The style would be totally off.

I'm glad to hear they aren't an etiquette issue. That was puzzling me since they give guests all the necessary info in what is arguably a more convenient form than a paper invitation.

Jen4948 · April 2015

It might best be called a victimless crime. While wedding evites don't violate etiquette, many people just prefer paper invitations.

labro · April 2015

I think something I don't like about e-vites is being able to designate exactly WHO is invited. Unless you have a separate email address for every single person on your guest list, how do you prevent people from rsvp'ing for themselves, a random friend, their children (if they aren't invited), etc.? I've never received an e-vite tailored just to me that says "Mr. and Mrs. X are cordially invited blah blah blah". At least with my paper invitations it was clear cut EXACTLY who was invited based on the names written down on the envelope. Yeah, people can still try to rsvp for others (not that I had that problem) but it's pretty clear who wasn't invited.

I also don't like the casualness of e-vites. I feel like some people are more likely to respond as "maybes" or be wishy-washy about it versus a physical rsvp. Just IMO.

ThxSugar · May 2015

What you think about an E-vite for a save the date? We are thinking of doing regular paper save the dates for OOT guests but saving paper by sending E-vites to local guests. We are planning a small, family ceremony followed by large reception for our friends. Most of the E-vites would go to reception only guests as most of our family is OOT. Is this rude? This is just for save the dates so far. I actually think our friends will appreciate not wasting paper but we will provide an option for people to request a paper invatation if they would like.

justsie · May 2015

Knottie1430505628 said:
What you think about an E-vite for a save the date? We are thinking of doing regular paper save the dates for OOT guests but saving paper by sending E-vites to local guests. We are planning a small, family ceremony followed by large reception for our friends. Most of the E-vites would go to reception only guests as most of our family is OOT. Is this rude? This is just for save the dates so far. I actually think our friends will appreciate not wasting paper but we will provide an option for people to request a paper invatation if they would like.

If the issue is wasting paper, why not give everyone a phone call and let them know the date of the wedding?

Also, the bolded is rude and seems very gift grabby. Why invite people to thank them for coming to the ceremoy if they don't actually get to see the ceremony?

ThxSugar · May 2015

We are inviting our friends to the reception because we moved out of town a couple years ago and we have a lot of people we want to see in a short amount of time. Gifts are never expected, there may even be something on our website along the lines of 'your presence is presents enough, no gifts please'. Also, an E-vite gives people something to reference in the future as opposed to a phone call.

MyNameIsNot · May 2015

Knottie1430505628 said:
What you think about an E-vite for a save the date? We are thinking of doing regular paper save the dates for OOT guests but saving paper by sending E-vites to local guests. We are planning a small, family ceremony followed by large reception for our friends. Most of the E-vites would go to reception only guests as most of our family is OOT. Is this rude? This is just for save the dates so far. I actually think our friends will appreciate not wasting paper but we will provide an option for people to request a paper invatation if they would like.

An email with the date is appropriate for an STD. You could make a pretty graphic thing if you want. An e-vite doesn't really make sense, since the STD is not an invitation.

It is inappropriate to send different types of invitations to different guests. All guests should be treated equally, and receive the same invitation. You don't send paper invitations to some guests and e-vites to others. Ranking guests is a sure way to hurt feelings and make people feel like they aren't really wanted, especially when you aren't even inviting them to the actual wedding.

If you aren't inviting people to the actual wedding (ceremony) you shouldn't send a STD.

You shouldn't mention gifts at all.

redoryx · May 2015

If by "small family ceremony" you mean immediate family only (parents, siblings, maybe grand parents) then you are in the clear etiquette wise. But if you plan on inviting extended family such as cousins, aunts, and uncles, and still having a reception then it becomes gift grabby.

Also, it's never polite to mention gifts, even if all you're doing is telling people to not bring any.

ThxSugar · May 2015

MyNameIsNot said:

Knottie1430505628 said:
What you think about an E-vite for a save the date? We are thinking of doing regular paper save the dates for OOT guests but saving paper by sending E-vites to local guests. We are planning a small, family ceremony followed by large reception for our friends. Most of the E-vites would go to reception only guests as most of our family is OOT. Is this rude? This is just for save the dates so far. I actually think our friends will appreciate not wasting paper but we will provide an option for people to request a paper invatation if they would like.
An email with the date is appropriate for an STD. You could make a pretty graphic thing if you want. An e-vite doesn't really make sense, since the STD is not an invitation.

It is inappropriate to send different types of invitations to different guests. All guests should be treated equally, and receive the same invitation. You don't send paper invitations to some guests and e-vites to others. Ranking guests is a sure way to hurt feelings and make people feel like they aren't really wanted, especially when you aren't even inviting them to the actual wedding.

If you aren't inviting people to the actual wedding (ceremony) you shouldn't send a STD.

You shouldn't mention gifts at all.

Thank you for the clarification. I misunderstood. I was thinking an E-vite was just a generic term for an electronic card or something. To clarify, all guests would receive a paper Invitation, I was just wondering about the Save the Date since they are considered optional. I know we want to send them to the OOT guests and wasn't sure if that meant we had to send them to the intown guests as well. If yes, would an Electronic message suffice?

[Edited to add] So am I understanding this correctly? I can send Save the Dates to people only invited to the ceremony. Everyone else can wait until the official invatations to go out.

I thought it was appropriate to put gift registry (or lack there of) on the wedding website, is this not okay? If not there, where?

[Deleted User] · May 2015

Knottie1430505628 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Knottie1430505628 said:
What you think about an E-vite for a save the date? We are thinking of doing regular paper save the dates for OOT guests but saving paper by sending E-vites to local guests. We are planning a small, family ceremony followed by large reception for our friends. Most of the E-vites would go to reception only guests as most of our family is OOT. Is this rude? This is just for save the dates so far. I actually think our friends will appreciate not wasting paper but we will provide an option for people to request a paper invatation if they would like.
An email with the date is appropriate for an STD. You could make a pretty graphic thing if you want. An e-vite doesn't really make sense, since the STD is not an invitation.

It is inappropriate to send different types of invitations to different guests. All guests should be treated equally, and receive the same invitation. You don't send paper invitations to some guests and e-vites to others. Ranking guests is a sure way to hurt feelings and make people feel like they aren't really wanted, especially when you aren't even inviting them to the actual wedding.

If you aren't inviting people to the actual wedding (ceremony) you shouldn't send a STD.

You shouldn't mention gifts at all.
Thank you for the clarification. I misunderstood. I was thinking an E-vite was just a generic term for an electronic card or something. To clarify, all guests would receive a paper Invitation, I was just wondering about the Save the Date since they are considered optional. I know we want to send them to the OOT guests and wasn't sure if that meant we had to send them to the intown guests as well. If yes, would an Electronic message suffice?

[Edited to add] So am I understanding this correctly? I can send Save the Dates to people only invited to the ceremony. Everyone else can wait until the official invatations to go out.

I thought it was appropriate to put gift registry (or lack there of) on the wedding website, is this not okay? If not there, where?

E-vite is the name of a company that sends E(lectronic in)vites.

You're right, Save the Dates are optional. Not only can you send them only to out of town people, but you can choose to send them only to your VIPs. You can either just TELL them to save the date, or you can send them an official message of some sort. The rule with STDates are that everyone who gets one MUST be invited to the wedding (both ceremony and reception), but people who don't get STDates can still be invited. This can be good if you're unsure about your relationship with certain people, not sure if you really want to invite co-workers or if mom's bingo friends need to get invited, etc. If they don't get a STDate and are not invited to any other pre-wedding parties, they can be cut from the guest list.

Yes, you can mention your registries on your wedding website. But just a mention. No cute poems about 'Presence being Presents enough' or anything. Just a quick, "we're registered at Target and Macy's". Though word of mouth should be enough; just tell your parents and bridal party where you're registered, and tell anyone who asks.

Why are you having a small ceremony and bigger reception? The reception is supposed to be the Thank You to people who come out to witness your vows, so inviting people to the thank you when they weren't allowed to come to the Main Event seems odd.

ThxSugar · May 2015

TBH, I had never heard of the reception being a Thank You for coming to our wedding until I was on this site. I thought the reception was a celebration of the marriage. The smaller ceremony/ larger reception is also a compromise between my fiance and I. I always dreamed of an intimate ceremony, a very personal event, not something for co-workers or moms bingo club. He just wants everyone to have a good time. I guess our reception will be a Thank You for being there for us through it all.

CMGragain · May 2015

Knottie1430505628 said:
TBH, I had never heard of the reception being a Thank You for coming to our wedding until I was on this site. I thought the reception was a celebration of the marriage. The smaller ceremony/ larger reception is also a compromise between my fiance and I. I always dreamed of an intimate ceremony, a very personal event, not something for co-workers or moms bingo club. He just wants everyone to have a good time. I guess our reception will be a Thank You for being there for us through it all.

There are many different kinds of receptions. A reception is an event where a host "receives" the guests and thanks them for coming (to the wedding, an awards ceremony, etc.) and offers them food and drink.
Wedding receptions occur on the same day as the ceremony, and they must include everyone who is invited to the ceremony. To invite someone to your ceremony, but not then have a reception to thank them is the rudest thing you can do.
A "Celebration of Marriage" party can occur at any time after the ceremony. It is not a part of the wedding day celebration. These are often held after destination weddings where many people cannot attend. Generally people are not as interested in attending one of these as they are to be invited to the actual ceremony and reception. If you follow your plans, expect a lot of people who will decline to attend. It's like you are saying, "You aren't important enough to be at our ceremony, but you are supposed to come and bring a gift."

CMGragain · May 2015

OP, I suggest you do the following:

1. Have your small, intimate ceremony.
2. Take your guests to a nice restaurant where you have reserved a private room for your reception.
3. At a later date, have the big party to celebrate your marriage. No wedding dress, no bouquet tossing, and absolutely no mention of any gifts. You can do dinner and dancing, toasts, share honeymoon photos, and have a blast with your friends and extended family. Send invitations - not STDs.

This way, you have it all without looking gift grabby.

ThxSugar · May 2015

I appreciate your interest in my wedding, I understand you are coming from a good place. Doing anything at a later date is not feasible b/c we are actually traveling to our friends instead of making them come to us (it is my hometown and where he lived for 6 years). If some people are too offended about not being able to come to ceremony that they are going to turn down free food, free alcohol, seeing us for the first time in nearly 3 years, and partying with all of our other friends then that is a shame. We probably won't make it back for atleast another 3 years. We will cross that bridge when we come to it. I will spread the info via word of mouth, as was suggested here, that there is no gift registry. I came here for information on Save the Dates, which I have now. Thank you for helping me understand the invatation process better.

MyNameIsNot · May 2015

Knottie1430505628 said:
I appreciate your interest in my wedding, I understand you are coming from a good place. Doing anything at a later date is not feasible b/c we are actually traveling to our friends instead of making them come to us (it is my hometown and where he lived for 6 years). If some people are too offended about not being able to come to ceremony that they are going to turn down free food, free alcohol, seeing us for the first time in nearly 3 years, and partying with all of our other friends then that is a shame. We probably won't make it back for atleast another 3 years. We will cross that bridge when we come to it. I will spread the info via word of mouth, as was suggested here, that there is no gift registry. I came here for information on Save the Dates, which I have now. Thank you for helping me understand the invatation process better.

Exactly. To hell with any friends that would actually want to be treated like friends!

huskypuppy14 · May 2015

labro said:
I think something I don't like about e-vites is being able to designate exactly WHO is invited. Unless you have a separate email address for every single person on your guest list, how do you prevent people from rsvp'ing for themselves, a random friend, their children (if they aren't invited), etc.? I've never received an e-vite tailored just to me that says "Mr. and Mrs. X are cordially invited blah blah blah". At least with my paper invitations it was clear cut EXACTLY who was invited based on the names written down on the envelope. Yeah, people can still try to rsvp for others (not that I had that problem) but it's pretty clear who wasn't invited.

I also don't like the casualness of e-vites. I feel like some people are more likely to respond as "maybes" or be wishy-washy about it versus a physical rsvp. Just IMO.

I think evites are bad for weddings, but the OP mentioned Paperless Post. You can actually have an electronic envelope that is addressed just like a paper invitation. The only difference is it's electronic not mailed.

For someone like me, where I keep everyone's invitation, I probably wouldn't like this as much, but most people say they throw invitations out after the event is over anyway. I prefer mailed invitations, but everything is going electronic, it's only a matter of time before mailed invitations becomes obsolete.

labro · May 2015

huskypuppy14 said:

labro said:
I think something I don't like about e-vites is being able to designate exactly WHO is invited. Unless you have a separate email address for every single person on your guest list, how do you prevent people from rsvp'ing for themselves, a random friend, their children (if they aren't invited), etc.? I've never received an e-vite tailored just to me that says "Mr. and Mrs. X are cordially invited blah blah blah". At least with my paper invitations it was clear cut EXACTLY who was invited based on the names written down on the envelope. Yeah, people can still try to rsvp for others (not that I had that problem) but it's pretty clear who wasn't invited.

I also don't like the casualness of e-vites. I feel like some people are more likely to respond as "maybes" or be wishy-washy about it versus a physical rsvp. Just IMO.
I think evites are bad for weddings, but the OP mentioned Paperless Post. You can actually have an electronic envelope that is addressed just like a paper invitation. The only difference is it's electronic not mailed.

For someone like me, where I keep everyone's invitation, I probably wouldn't like this as much, but most people say they throw invitations out after the event is over anyway. I prefer mailed invitations, but everything is going electronic, it's only a matter of time before mailed invitations becomes obsolete.

I'm sorry but this sounds exactly like people who said radio would go obsolete when TV was invented, or that newspapers were going to be obsolete after Internet news/24/7 TV news/etc.

Obviously neither medium is obsolete. They've both evolved to meet different needs and fill different markets in more creative ways. I think paper invitations will still stay a part of weddings, but some things may change.

RezIpsa · May 2015

labro said:

huskypuppy14 said:

labro said:
I think something I don't like about e-vites is being able to designate exactly WHO is invited. Unless you have a separate email address for every single person on your guest list, how do you prevent people from rsvp'ing for themselves, a random friend, their children (if they aren't invited), etc.? I've never received an e-vite tailored just to me that says "Mr. and Mrs. X are cordially invited blah blah blah". At least with my paper invitations it was clear cut EXACTLY who was invited based on the names written down on the envelope. Yeah, people can still try to rsvp for others (not that I had that problem) but it's pretty clear who wasn't invited.

I also don't like the casualness of e-vites. I feel like some people are more likely to respond as "maybes" or be wishy-washy about it versus a physical rsvp. Just IMO.
I think evites are bad for weddings, but the OP mentioned Paperless Post. You can actually have an electronic envelope that is addressed just like a paper invitation. The only difference is it's electronic not mailed.

For someone like me, where I keep everyone's invitation, I probably wouldn't like this as much, but most people say they throw invitations out after the event is over anyway. I prefer mailed invitations, but everything is going electronic, it's only a matter of time before mailed invitations becomes obsolete.

I'm sorry but this sounds exactly like people who said radio would go obsolete when TV was invented, or that newspapers were going to be obsolete after Internet news/24/7 TV news/etc.
Obviously neither medium is obsolete. They've both evolved to meet different needs and fill different markets in more creative ways. I think paper invitations will still stay a part of weddings, but some things may change.

That's an interesting comparison. My understanding is that both AM/FM radio and physical newspapers are struggling, with many converting to an all electronic platform or focusing on their electronic presence. I don't think I know anyone that listens to regular radio or reads a physical newspaper anymore. I'm sure they are out there, I just can't think of anyone. Even my 70 something parents use Pandora and have online news subscriptions.

I did some more research on electronic invites, and am pretty sure that is how we will be going. I am satisfied that the style of some of them is sufficiently formal, addressing is just as easy and direct as with paper invitations, and RSVPs are easy dealt with. Or, we may just elope and send out announcements, but I think no one has an issue with electronic announcements. If my mom is just dying for a physical invite it is possible to order her one very inexpensively. She is the only person I can see wanting to keep one.

Jen4948 · May 2015

RezIpsa said:

labro said:

huskypuppy14 said:

labro said:
I think something I don't like about e-vites is being able to designate exactly WHO is invited. Unless you have a separate email address for every single person on your guest list, how do you prevent people from rsvp'ing for themselves, a random friend, their children (if they aren't invited), etc.? I've never received an e-vite tailored just to me that says "Mr. and Mrs. X are cordially invited blah blah blah". At least with my paper invitations it was clear cut EXACTLY who was invited based on the names written down on the envelope. Yeah, people can still try to rsvp for others (not that I had that problem) but it's pretty clear who wasn't invited.

I also don't like the casualness of e-vites. I feel like some people are more likely to respond as "maybes" or be wishy-washy about it versus a physical rsvp. Just IMO.
I think evites are bad for weddings, but the OP mentioned Paperless Post. You can actually have an electronic envelope that is addressed just like a paper invitation. The only difference is it's electronic not mailed.

For someone like me, where I keep everyone's invitation, I probably wouldn't like this as much, but most people say they throw invitations out after the event is over anyway. I prefer mailed invitations, but everything is going electronic, it's only a matter of time before mailed invitations becomes obsolete.

I'm sorry but this sounds exactly like people who said radio would go obsolete when TV was invented, or that newspapers were going to be obsolete after Internet news/24/7 TV news/etc.
Obviously neither medium is obsolete. They've both evolved to meet different needs and fill different markets in more creative ways. I think paper invitations will still stay a part of weddings, but some things may change.
That's an interesting comparison. My understanding is that both AM/FM radio and physical newspapers are struggling, with many converting to an all electronic platform or focusing on their electronic presence. I don't think I know anyone that listens to regular radio or reads a physical newspaper anymore. I'm sure they are out there, I just can't think of anyone. Even my 70 something parents use Pandora and have online news subscriptions.

I did some more research on electronic invites, and am pretty sure that is how we will be going. I am satisfied that the style of some of them is sufficiently formal, addressing is just as easy and direct as with paper invitations, and RSVPs are easy dealt with. Or, we may just elope and send out announcements, but I think no one has an issue with electronic announcements. If my mom is just dying for a physical invite it is possible to order her one very inexpensively. She is the only person I can see wanting to keep one.

Be prepared for a low rate of acceptance in the real world for your electronic invitations.

All the "research" you found is toting how "convenient" the authors think they are, but regardless of your personal opinion, many people don't like electronic wedding invitations, don't take them seriously, or in some cases, don't understand how to respond to them.

Plus, have you actually spoken to everyone you plan to invite and gotten them to tell you that they don't have issues with electronic announcements? Just thinking the bolded doesn't make it so. And I think your guests are going to need physical invitations whether your mom or anyone else is "dying for them."

redoryx · May 2015

I actually received a Paperless Post invite for an event a few weeks ago and while I appreciate it probably made it more convenient and cheaper for the host, as a guest I was not a fan. Replying was easy enough, but if I wanted to double check the date or time or any of that, I kept having to dig it out in my email. I'd much prefer to have a paper invitation that I can just stick on my bulletin board for easy access.

CMGragain · May 2015

When I receive an electronic "card" in my e-mail, I delete it without opening it. There are so many internet scammers out there. I don't trust something that comes unsolicited. I want to keep my computer virus free. I am not alone.
What is easy is not always what is correct.

RezIpsa · May 2015

Jen4948 said:

RezIpsa said:

labro said:

huskypuppy14 said:

labro said:
I think something I don't like about e-vites is being able to designate exactly WHO is invited. Unless you have a separate email address for every single person on your guest list, how do you prevent people from rsvp'ing for themselves, a random friend, their children (if they aren't invited), etc.? I've never received an e-vite tailored just to me that says "Mr. and Mrs. X are cordially invited blah blah blah". At least with my paper invitations it was clear cut EXACTLY who was invited based on the names written down on the envelope. Yeah, people can still try to rsvp for others (not that I had that problem) but it's pretty clear who wasn't invited.

I also don't like the casualness of e-vites. I feel like some people are more likely to respond as "maybes" or be wishy-washy about it versus a physical rsvp. Just IMO.
I think evites are bad for weddings, but the OP mentioned Paperless Post. You can actually have an electronic envelope that is addressed just like a paper invitation. The only difference is it's electronic not mailed.

For someone like me, where I keep everyone's invitation, I probably wouldn't like this as much, but most people say they throw invitations out after the event is over anyway. I prefer mailed invitations, but everything is going electronic, it's only a matter of time before mailed invitations becomes obsolete.

I'm sorry but this sounds exactly like people who said radio would go obsolete when TV was invented, or that newspapers were going to be obsolete after Internet news/24/7 TV news/etc.
Obviously neither medium is obsolete. They've both evolved to meet different needs and fill different markets in more creative ways. I think paper invitations will still stay a part of weddings, but some things may change.
That's an interesting comparison. My understanding is that both AM/FM radio and physical newspapers are struggling, with many converting to an all electronic platform or focusing on their electronic presence. I don't think I know anyone that listens to regular radio or reads a physical newspaper anymore. I'm sure they are out there, I just can't think of anyone. Even my 70 something parents use Pandora and have online news subscriptions.

I did some more research on electronic invites, and am pretty sure that is how we will be going. I am satisfied that the style of some of them is sufficiently formal, addressing is just as easy and direct as with paper invitations, and RSVPs are easy dealt with. Or, we may just elope and send out announcements, but I think no one has an issue with electronic announcements. If my mom is just dying for a physical invite it is possible to order her one very inexpensively. She is the only person I can see wanting to keep one.

Be prepared for a low rate of acceptance in the real world for your electronic invitations.
All the "research" you found is toting how "convenient" the authors think they are, but regardless of your personal opinion, many people don't like electronic wedding invitations, don't take them seriously, or in some cases, don't understand how to respond to them.
Plus, have you actually spoken to everyone you plan to invite and gotten them to tell you that they don't have issues with electronic announcements? Just thinking the bolded doesn't make it so. And I think your guests are going to need physical invitations whether your mom or anyone else is "dying for them."

I guess we will just have to see about acceptance rate. Since electronic stuff gets delivered and acted on constantly, I am not sure why the automatic assumption is that a wedding invitation won't be. Everyone I know who has used them has been completely happy with them and I have yet to hear of a single issue with people not knowing how to reply or ignoring them. I am aware about the range of feelings on the issue. It is also not a breach of etiquette to use them, so it just boils down to personal taste and knowing your audience. Yes, I have actually asked all VIPs about electronic invites and everyone is fine with them. Also, every single person we anticipate inviting uses email regularly.

And am I correct in assuming that while it is fine to use electronic Save the Dates, you are insinuating that electronic announcements might be an issue? Could you elaborate on why that would be, other than personal preference?

If anyone has any reasons that electronic invites are a no go, for reasons other than personal "I just like paper better" type stuff (which is obviously fine, but a personal preference that I don't share), please let me know. So far I am just hearing things that apply equally to paper mail, which commonly has misdeliveries, gets thrown away or lost, goes astray once opened, yadda yadda yadda. I would love to hear any reasons that don't also apply to paper, if there are any.

And, of course, anything else anyone has to add re: favorite animals, snackfoods, etc.

Jen4948 · May 2015

Look, you asked for our opinions and we gave them to you. If we think something's not a good idea, whether or not it actually breaches etiquette, we're going to say so. If all you want is validation for your idea, you're barking up the wrong tree by asking us.

It doesn't have to violate etiquette to be a bad idea. And "everyone I know is okay with it/I don't know anyone who has a problem with it" doesn't make something a good idea. Your own personal acquaintances aren't the sole arbiters of whether something is or isn't a good idea, and silence doesn't equal approval.

[Deleted User] · May 2015

RezIpsa said:

Jen4948 said:

RezIpsa said:

labro said:

huskypuppy14 said:

labro said:
I think something I don't like about e-vites is being able to designate exactly WHO is invited. Unless you have a separate email address for every single person on your guest list, how do you prevent people from rsvp'ing for themselves, a random friend, their children (if they aren't invited), etc.? I've never received an e-vite tailored just to me that says "Mr. and Mrs. X are cordially invited blah blah blah". At least with my paper invitations it was clear cut EXACTLY who was invited based on the names written down on the envelope. Yeah, people can still try to rsvp for others (not that I had that problem) but it's pretty clear who wasn't invited.

I also don't like the casualness of e-vites. I feel like some people are more likely to respond as "maybes" or be wishy-washy about it versus a physical rsvp. Just IMO.
I think evites are bad for weddings, but the OP mentioned Paperless Post. You can actually have an electronic envelope that is addressed just like a paper invitation. The only difference is it's electronic not mailed.

For someone like me, where I keep everyone's invitation, I probably wouldn't like this as much, but most people say they throw invitations out after the event is over anyway. I prefer mailed invitations, but everything is going electronic, it's only a matter of time before mailed invitations becomes obsolete.

I'm sorry but this sounds exactly like people who said radio would go obsolete when TV was invented, or that newspapers were going to be obsolete after Internet news/24/7 TV news/etc.
Obviously neither medium is obsolete. They've both evolved to meet different needs and fill different markets in more creative ways. I think paper invitations will still stay a part of weddings, but some things may change.
That's an interesting comparison. My understanding is that both AM/FM radio and physical newspapers are struggling, with many converting to an all electronic platform or focusing on their electronic presence. I don't think I know anyone that listens to regular radio or reads a physical newspaper anymore. I'm sure they are out there, I just can't think of anyone. Even my 70 something parents use Pandora and have online news subscriptions.

I did some more research on electronic invites, and am pretty sure that is how we will be going. I am satisfied that the style of some of them is sufficiently formal, addressing is just as easy and direct as with paper invitations, and RSVPs are easy dealt with. Or, we may just elope and send out announcements, but I think no one has an issue with electronic announcements. If my mom is just dying for a physical invite it is possible to order her one very inexpensively. She is the only person I can see wanting to keep one.

Be prepared for a low rate of acceptance in the real world for your electronic invitations.
All the "research" you found is toting how "convenient" the authors think they are, but regardless of your personal opinion, many people don't like electronic wedding invitations, don't take them seriously, or in some cases, don't understand how to respond to them.
Plus, have you actually spoken to everyone you plan to invite and gotten them to tell you that they don't have issues with electronic announcements? Just thinking the bolded doesn't make it so. And I think your guests are going to need physical invitations whether your mom or anyone else is "dying for them."
I guess we will just have to see about acceptance rate. Since electronic stuff gets delivered and acted on constantly, I am not sure why the automatic assumption is that a wedding invitation won't be. Everyone I know who has used them has been completely happy with them and I have yet to hear of a single issue with people not knowing how to reply or ignoring them. I am aware about the range of feelings on the issue. It is also not a breach of etiquette to use them, so it just boils down to personal taste and knowing your audience. Yes, I have actually asked all VIPs about electronic invites and everyone is fine with them. Also, every single person we anticipate inviting uses email regularly.

And am I correct in assuming that while it is fine to use electronic Save the Dates, you are insinuating that electronic announcements might be an issue? Could you elaborate on why that would be, other than personal preference?

If anyone has any reasons that electronic invites are a no go, for reasons other than personal "I just like paper better" type stuff (which is obviously fine, but a personal preference that I don't share), please let me know. So far I am just hearing things that apply equally to paper mail, which commonly has misdeliveries, gets thrown away or lost, goes astray once opened, yadda yadda yadda. I would love to hear any reasons that don't also apply to paper, if there are any.

And, of course, anything else anyone has to add re: favorite animals, snackfoods, etc.

When I get an email be it evite or "what's up" note from my cousin, I try to respond immediately because my inbox gets full of nonsense. So, sometimes I'll respond "Yes, I'd love to attend your backyard BBQ" and put it on my google calendar as a reminder. And if FH decides that instead of your backyard BBQ, we're going to visit his parents for the weekend, I'll care not at all about just not showing up to your backyard BBQ, and will definitely forget to let you know that I won't be there. BUT, if it's a wedding, I won't want to do that. So, I won't respond right away so FH and I can talk, I can google your venue and decide if I have anything to wear, we can decide together if we'd like to attend or if something else is going on. And I might forget, completely, to RSVP by your date.

A piece of paper sitting on the corner of my desk, or magnetized to my fridge does not get forgotten.

So, if you're okay with calling me after your RSVP date because I've forgotten to let you know if we will or will not be attending your wedding, feel free to stick with evites. But that's why I don't prefer them.

RezIpsa · May 2015

@Jen4948 I am absolutely not just looking for validation. The reason I like these boards is that people will say what they think, so no worries there. It's a really helpful way to gather info from a variety of experiences before making decisions.

If it isn't a violation of etiquette, then it seems like it just falls in the range of personal preference.I mentioned speaking to our VIPs about the matter solely because of your question above (sorry, I can't figure out the quote thing in the middle of a comment):

"Plus, have you actually spoken to everyone you plan to invite and gotten
them to tell you that they don't have issues with electronic
announcements? Just thinking the bolded doesn't make it so. And I
think your guests are going to need physical invitations whether your
mom or anyone else is "dying for them."

So that's why I addressed it at all.

I would love to hear why you think my guests need physical invites. To be clear, because tone is impossible to be sure of on the internet, I am not being snarky about that. If there is something I am missing, I would love to hear it. My experience has been everyone takes a picture of the invitation on their phone, and either pitches the invitation immediately or sticks it on their fridge and doesn't refer to it again. I honestly don't see where a physical invite serves any purpose or need that an electronic invite would not also serve. For me, the ability to check it on my phone the day of, instead of remembering to bring the physical invite, would be a boon. Hence, the picture.

@adk19: Thank you so much for the feedback! I will definitely give that some thought.

labro · May 2015

re: the "dying off" of paper and radio wave mediums - I was a journalism major, worked in the industry briefly after and throughout college so the research into changing mediums, audiences, marketing, etc. is interesting to me. I don't think it's fair to say something like "Well everything is going electronic so it's going to die" and I made the comparison because people have been saying the same about newspapers/radio for years. Anyway, as I've learned, and what research shows, is that while the industry has consolidated, it certainly isn't dying, and is still very strong in how it influences people. So anyway, those are my thoughts on that!

re: paper vs. electronic invitations. I think if enough people are giving their personal preferences on why they like paper or electronic invitations, then it's something worth taking note of, whether it's etiquette approved or not. A lot of people here say they'd rather receive a paper invitation because of various reasons and I think you should pay attention to it and maybe take it a bit more seriously. You do seem more interesting in proving why your way is the best rather than weighing preferences.

Reasons why I like receiving a paper invitation -

Fridge art. I stick all my other reminders on my fridge too so it's a daily reminder of the upcoming event.

I love the feel of heavy weight, quality paper and it's so wonderful when people go to extra lengths with engraving or letterpress. Plus the paper and other mediums used help to give me an idea of formality of the wedding (plus cues given by venue, time of day, etc.).

I love sending and receiving physical mail.

I like to make some sort of craft project out of the invitation. For the last several weddings, I cut up the invitation and turned it into a Christmas ornament for the couple. I had some leftover for my wedding and I did the same thing for me, my mom, and my MIL as Christmas gifts. Kind of like this:

I don't think I could ever take an e-vite to a wedding very seriously. With that said, I haven't received a Paperless Post invitation, they've all been other e-vite vendors for events like bbqs and graduation parties. But I honestly feel like a (hopefully) once in a life time major event deserves a little something more than an email.

Jen4948 · May 2015

RezIpsa said:
@Jen4948 I am absolutely not just looking for validation. The reason I like these boards is that people will say what they think, so no worries there. It's a really helpful way to gather info from a variety of experiences before making decisions.

If it isn't a violation of etiquette, then it seems like it just falls in the range of personal preference.I mentioned speaking to our VIPs about the matter solely because of your question above (sorry, I can't figure out the quote thing in the middle of a comment):

"Plus, have you actually spoken to everyone you plan to invite and gotten
them to tell you that they don't have issues with electronic
announcements? Just thinking the bolded doesn't make it so. And I
think your guests are going to need physical invitations whether your
mom or anyone else is "dying for them."

So that's why I addressed it at all.

I would love to hear why you think my guests need physical invites. To be clear, because tone is impossible to be sure of on the internet, I am not being snarky about that. If there is something I am missing, I would love to hear it. My experience has been everyone takes a picture of the invitation on their phone, and either pitches the invitation immediately or sticks it on their fridge and doesn't refer to it again. I honestly don't see where a physical invite serves any purpose or need that an electronic invite would not also serve. For me, the ability to check it on my phone the day of, instead of remembering to bring the physical invite, would be a boon. Hence, the picture.

@adk19: Thank you so much for the feedback! I will definitely give that some thought.

Thanks for responding without sarcasm, hostility, or defensiveness! That's quite a rarity from new members of this community, and that's actually why I responded with the tone I did.

But in all honesty, I tend to bring my physical invitations with me because they contain the logistical information I need to find the venues for the ceremony and reception and because I can show them to venue staff and security persons if I need to prove that I have a right to be at the ceremony or reception location. If I don't have access to a phone or a computer when I need it, I can't access the invitation to get the logistical information or to show anyone. And although I do carry my phone with me, I'm likely to turn it off during a wedding, especially if I've been requested to by an official announcement. And my phone is notorious for needing recharging at sensitive moments.

Also, I had a really bad personal experience once when I had a party, invited a number of people through Facebook and eVites, and very few people showed up. I was out a lot of money. Plus, it hurt to invite them only to find that they didn't give enough of a damn to attend, even when they'd responded yes. But had I used paper invitations, I think my intended guests would have taken the time to at least tell me whether or not they could come, let alone actually come, because my using snail mail would have told them that I was investing more time, energy, and thought into inviting them than just clicking on their profile photos or email addresses. Sometimes when you want things from people, you have to exert more effort to make it clear that you want them and forgo your own personal convenience and ease.

RezIpsa · May 2015

@labro: I am definitely taking note, and I certainly don't mean to come off like being right about my preference is the most important thing. It most definitely is not. There are two physical invites at David's Bridal I really like, and there are a few I really like on Paperless Post, so it's not like I am rejecting anything at this point. We are not at the invitation picking point yet, it just gives me something to research so I don't lose my mind about budget/guest list/ to elope or not/ church v. civil, etc.

I hear you on why you like paper, and I appreciate the perspective very much.

Any thoughts about whether the same objections and preferences apply to announcements? That would obviously remove the help in figuring out the formality level as a guest, but I don't really see any other impact. I guess I would be more likely to keep a copy of an announcement for sentiment's sake if it was electronic.

Why are evites a faux pas?

Re: Why are evites a faux pas?

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