Private dinner before reception

Knottie14450423 · April 2015

So my fiance and I are planning the wedding, but staying with our unsaid budget is hard. My MOH and I are trying to do as many DIY projects as we can and with the early head start in planning we've found a lot of great deals. Currently, my future mother in law wants to invite A LOT(!) of people to the wedding. We've established that feeding the previous head count of 200 is crazy expensive for catering and rentals, so we cut it down to 140-160 guests, which is still pretty expensive. Also, the arrangement of my venue is that it fits about 120 people tightly per side and the other side of the room is not visible.

He came home from work with an idea from a co-worker about doing a private dinner with the bridal party and immediate family before the reception to cut costs down. I figured that was rude and we compromised on the private dinner and hors d'oeuvres at the reception. I searched similar ideas and I can't figure out if that would be rude too? Everyone still gets to participate in festivities.

Also, how could I fit this into my timeline?

Original timeline was

- Ceremony at 4:30

- Cocktail hour and photos at 5

- Dinner at 6:30

- Champagne toast at 7
- First dance at 7:30

- Cake cutting at 8:30

- Event end at 10

we could just do pictures and dinner during the cocktail hour. Add in some games for guests to do and more photo booth time to kill time.

What are your thoughts?

esstee33 · April 2015

Knottie14450423 said:
So my fiance and I are planning the wedding, but staying with our unsaid budget is hard. My MOH and I are trying to do as many DIY projects as we can and with the early head start in planning we've found a lot of great deals. Currently, my future mother in law wants to invite A LOT(!) of people to the wedding. We've established that feeding the previous head count of 200 is crazy expensive for catering and rentals, so we cut it down to 140-160 guests, which is still pretty expensive. Also, the arrangement of my venue is that it fits about 120 people tightly per side and the other side of the room is not visible.
He came home from work with an idea from a co-worker about doing a private dinner with the bridal party and immediate family before the reception to cut costs down. I figured that was rude and we compromised on the private dinner and hors d'oeuvres at the reception. I searched similar ideas and I can't figure out if that would be rude too? Everyone still gets to participate in festivities.

Also, how could I fit this into my timeline?
Original timeline was
- Ceremony at 4:30
- Cocktail hour and photos at 5
- Dinner at 6:30
- Champagne toast at 7
- First dance at 7:30
- Cake cutting at 8:30
- Event end at 10

we could just do pictures and dinner during the cocktail hour. Add in some games for guests to do and more photo booth time to kill time.

What are your thoughts?

No no no no. That would be horrendously rude!

1) If your budget is "unsaid," you need to fix that ASAP. Determine a budget, then work around it to plan your event. Don't just start planning things and hope you can afford them.

2) Is your FMIL paying? Who is paying for all of this?

3) You need to be having this in a venue where all of your guests are in the same place together, not separated in different rooms. How awesome would it feel to be one of the guests you've seated in the other room?

4) You can have an hors d'oeuvres reception if it's not at a meal time, and that would be perfectly fine and a good way to save money. However, the timeline you've proposed would require dinner served to all guests, not just the ones you think are the most important. If you can't afford that, then you need to start rethinking your guest list, venue, or food choices. BUT BUT BUT you have to host all guests equally! NO EXCEPTIONS.

Viczaesar · April 2015

Knottie14450423 said:
So my fiance and I are planning the wedding, but staying with our unsaid budget is hard. My MOH and I are trying to do as many DIY projects as we can and with the early head start in planning we've found a lot of great deals. Currently, my future mother in law wants to invite A LOT(!) of people to the wedding. We've established that feeding the previous head count of 200 is crazy expensive for catering and rentals, so we cut it down to 140-160 guests, which is still pretty expensive. Also, the arrangement of my venue is that it fits about 120 people tightly per side and the other side of the room is not visible.
He came home from work with an idea from a co-worker about doing a private dinner with the bridal party and immediate family before the reception to cut costs down. I figured that was rude and we compromised on the private dinner and hors d'oeuvres at the reception. I searched similar ideas and I can't figure out if that would be rude too? Everyone still gets to participate in festivities.

Also, how could I fit this into my timeline?
Original timeline was
- Ceremony at 4:30
- Cocktail hour and photos at 5
- Dinner at 6:30
- Champagne toast at 7
- First dance at 7:30
- Cake cutting at 8:30
- Event end at 10

we could just do pictures and dinner during the cocktail hour. Add in some games for guests to do and more photo booth time to kill time.

What are your thoughts?

Absolutely not acceptable. All guests have to be invited to all parts of the ceremony and reception and hosted equally.

I don't understand what you mean when you say that the venue can fit 120 per side tightly and you can't see the other side of the room. Please elaborate.

mikenberger · April 2015

Knottie14450423 said:
So my fiance and I are planning the wedding, but staying with our unsaid budget is hard. My MOH and I are trying to do as many DIY projects as we can and with the early head start in planning we've found a lot of great deals. Currently, my future mother in law wants to invite A LOT(!) of people to the wedding. We've established that feeding the previous head count of 200 is crazy expensive for catering and rentals, so we cut it down to 140-160 guests, which is still pretty expensive. Also, the arrangement of my venue is that it fits about 120 people tightly per side and the other side of the room is not visible.
He came home from work with an idea from a co-worker about doing a private dinner with the bridal party and immediate family before the reception to cut costs down. I figured that was rude and we compromised on the private dinner and hors d'oeuvres at the reception. I searched similar ideas and I can't figure out if that would be rude too? Everyone still gets to participate in festivities.

Also, how could I fit this into my timeline?
Original timeline was
- Ceremony at 4:30
- Cocktail hour and photos at 5
- Dinner at 6:30
- Champagne toast at 7
- First dance at 7:30
- Cake cutting at 8:30
- Event end at 10

we could just do pictures and dinner during the cocktail hour. Add in some games for guests to do and more photo booth time to kill time.

What are your thoughts?

You are correct that it is rude to do separate events. It's called a tiered reception. I would nix the private dinner completely and either have my reception at a non mealtime to cut down on costs or cut down on other things (flowers, photo booth, favors) and host a buffet meal, which most of the time, tends to be cheaper. Especially when paired with bbq sandwiches or something similar. The problem with appetizers only for a meal is that if you serve this during a meal time, people will be expecting a certain amount of food. If you don't have enough, you have a problem.

Secondly. Do not invite more than your venue can comfortably hold. Your venue holds 120. Either cut your guest list more or select a different venue. You must always plan for 100% attendance. If you get less, that's great. More room, a little money savings... But always plan for 100%. And your venue count should include vendors as well as they will be present and included in the total group count.

Lastly, if your FMIL is not paying for the wedding, she doesn't get a say in the guest list. If she is, sit down with her and discuss the guest list v venue maximum and see if you can find a compromise.

But the first thing to go is that private dinner for a select few and then apps for the others. You're basically telling the people not invited to the dinner that they are not good enough for an actual meal. And how are you supposed to separate yourself without being blatantly obvious that you and the bridal party and select family are splitting off from the rest? It's honestly just a bad idea and very poor etiquette.

whovianstark · April 2015

I agree this is rude. Think of it this way: how would you feel if you were expected to go to an event from 4:30 pm to 10 pm and were only given snacks? Most likely there isn't even place nearby to purchase food so they would be leaving early to get food. If it were me I would grab a couple of snacks and leave as soon as I realized dinner wasn't going to be served.

Also, is your FMIL paying? If she isn't she needs to understand her large guest list is not in your budget.

Knottie14450423 · April 2015

The way the building is set up it is divided in half by a staging kitchen. Awkwardly placed, but I figured one half would be for tables and the other half be the dance floor and photo booth.

whovianstark · April 2015

Knottie14450423 said:
The way the building is set up it is divided in half by a staging kitchen. Awkwardly placed, but I figured one half would be for tables and the other half be the dance floor and photo booth.

Then I would keep your guest list to 120 maximum or find another venue.

Viczaesar · April 2015

Knottie14450423 said:
The way the building is set up it is divided in half by a staging kitchen. Awkwardly placed, but I figured one half would be for tables and the other half be the dance floor and photo booth.

Then the max you can invite is 120, and that number has to include you, your wedding party, and your vendors.

esstee33 · April 2015

whovianstark said:

Knottie14450423 said:
The way the building is set up it is divided in half by a staging kitchen. Awkwardly placed, but I figured one half would be for tables and the other half be the dance floor and photo booth.

Then I would keep your guest list to 120 maximum or find another venue.

Yes, this. Make sure you're including yourselves and any vendors in that count. Whatever you do, don't invite over that number!!!! We've seen horror stories of brides who were counting on that whatever % decline rate, over-invited for their venue, and then got 100% acceptance.

Knottie14450423 · April 2015

She has offered to help, but we are not relying on her as she has her own finances to work out. We've already established that my fiance will narrow down his side of the group. The issue is feeding 120 people is expensive, I'm not changing my venue, and my date is set on a Friday evening.

whovianstark · April 2015

Knottie14450423 said:
She has offered to help, but we are not relying on her as she has her own finances to work out. We've already established that my fiance will narrow down his side of the group. The issue is feeding 120 people is expensive, I'm not changing my venue, and my date is set on a Friday evening.

Yes, don't rely on her until you have the cash in the bank. I get that weddings are expensive but if you are having an evening wedding you have to feed your guests dinner. Based upon what you are saying all you can do is move your time up or cut down the guest list significantly.

whovianstark · April 2015

Knottie14450423 said:
She has offered to help, but we are not relying on her as she has her own finances to work out. We've already established that my fiance will narrow down his side of the group. The issue is feeding 120 people is expensive, I'm not changing my venue, and my date is set on a Friday evening.

Also, I have been to a wedding before where hot dogs were served. I didn't complain because I was actually fed and I like BBQ. There are ways to feed people that aren't expensive. Cut out the photo booth and you should be fine.

esstee33 · April 2015

Knottie14450423 said:
She has offered to help, but we are not relying on her as she has her own finances to work out. We've already established that my fiance will narrow down his side of the group. The issue is feeding 120 people is expensive, I'm not changing my venue, and my date is set on a Friday evening.

I'd be getting rid of the photo booth post-haste, honestly. They're cute and fun, but people are going to be way more concerned with being fed than getting photo booth pictures taken. Food is seriously one of the most important things about your wedding, and it's one that all of your guests will remember, whether you did it very well or very poorly.

That goes for favors, too, if you were having any. There is only one wedding I've ever been to where I cared about the favor, and it was because they were homebrewed bottles of beer. But otherwise? They're not necessary and most people probably don't care, especially if they're not edible.

The Budget Weddings board has lots of helpful posters, btw!

Also, does your venue allow outside caterers? Italian and BBQ restaurants are super cheap for catering.

flantastic · April 2015

I have been a wedding guest not in the main room. It's shitty. But it would be shittier not to be fed.

I honestly can't work out exactly what your plans are, but these things that you are saying are non-negotiable (the date, the venue, some "unsaid" budget) cannot, CANNOT be more important than making sure that everyone you invite gets fed properly. That is hosting 101. If you cannot afford to host an actual dinner over a mealtime for 120 people at your venue, you either change to a cheaper venue, cut your guest list, or move it to a non-mealtime. You cannot not feed people just because you don't want to change those other things.

Your guests would honestly rather you not invite them if you can't host them. They will understand if you only have the budget for BBQ, a casual venue, or a small guest list. They will not understand why you invited them if you don't seem to care enough about them to take care of them. It will look like you wanted to invite as many people as possible just to send you gifts, or to spend their evening in adoration of you. People lose friendships this way.

themuffinman16 · April 2015

Agree with all PPs. Cut your guest list and/or have a cheaper meal option, or have your wedding and reception at a non-meal time.. Do not make people go from 4-10PM without any dinner. That is probably the rudest thing you could do. What if your guests realized you made them come for your day, you understood that you would need to eat a regular meal in that time, but you decided they could survive on appetizers and a slice of cake? By the time you returned to the reception, I'd be surprised if anybody was still in attendance.

LondonLisa · April 2015

Hangy guests= the worst guests.

If I wasn't fed, but found out that the bride and groom had a VIP room with a meal, but only snacks for me, it would take all my restraint to take my gift back and leave. That would be a friendship ending move to me.

I would suggest doing a brunch buffet on a Sunday, but since you wont change your venue and you wont change your date, you need to figure out the cheapest meal option and serve it to everybody. You chose to have your wedding during a meal time so you need to serve a meal.

1.) Find out your exact budget amount, and how much you have to spend on food. Make sure you include everything, including gifts for WP, tips, and a contingency fund.

2.) Call your venue and find out what their cheapest meal option is. (You cannot get away with passed apps or bar snacks- you need a full meal and enough heavy apps to constitute a meal is more expensive). Also include your drinks package in this. If you want alcohol, maybe only do beer and wine. Otherwise have a dry wedding. At no point is it acceptable to have a cash bar, partial cash bar or have your guests open their wallets for anything.

3.) Divide the budget number for food by the cheapest meal/ drink option. Subtract 2 (for you and yoru fi). This is the number you can invite. You already need to cut the guest list, because the maximum you can invite is about 112 (so it is 120 including you two, photographer, DJ etc- usually fire code is based on people in the room regardless if they are invited guests or vendors).

This would all be so much easier if you were willing to budge on your venue or time. Sunday brunch would be about 1/2 the cost of a Friday dinner.

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

If your venue can only seat 120, then the maximum number of people you should invite is 120. Always count on 100% attendance. We had an OOT wedding where mostly people we traveling from all over the country and had about 80%. And there are people here who have actually had 100%.

If your FMIL isn't paying for the wedding, she doesn't get a say in who's invited. That should help cut your guest list.

What your FI and your coworker came up with is called a "tiered reception" and it's incredibly rude. It basically says to non-dinner guests "you weren't important enough, so please wait around for 2 hours while we host people who are really important."

An appetizer reception is just fine but you'd need to move the whole event back by about 3 hours. So your ceremony about be at 7:30 and reception at 8-11 or 12. That way, you purposely avoid meal time for everyone and you don't have the rude gap.

Jen4948 · April 2015

A private dinner for some, but not everyone, is rude. That has to go. Period.

As for what to do instead, you cut your guest list or move your ceremony and reception to a time of day when full meals aren't expected. And if your FMIL isn't paying, she doesn't get a say.

artbyallie · April 2015

Knottie14450423 said:
She has offered to help, but we are not relying on her as she has her own finances to work out. We've already established that my fiance will narrow down his side of the group. The issue is feeding 120 people is expensive, I'm not changing my venue, and my date is set on a Friday evening.

Okay, if you refuse to change your venue or your time, then your only remaining option is to CUT YOUR GUESTLIST. You can't invite people to your wedding at dinner time and not feed every single one of them dinner. I mean, really. You know that's unacceptable.

saric83 · April 2015

I agree with all PPs. I read this to DH, and he was also pretty appalled by it and said he would much rather not be invited than to go somewhere he for that timeframe with different food for different people.

You're right that feeding 120 people is expensive, but that is the BARE MINIMUM obligation you and your FI have as the hosts of the reception. End of story. There is absolutely no wiggle room around that. Time to cut that list a bit more and cut some other things to make your budget work.

Also, I just wanted to add that there's nothing wrong with a heavy h'orderves reception (aka - enough food for a meal, not a snack), but often it tends to cost just as much (if not more) as a cheaper buffet or even seated menu.

novella1186 · April 2015

You're having a champagne toast and a photo booth, yet you can't afford to feed your guests? Ok.

littlepep · April 2015

novella1186 said:
You're having a champagne toast and a photo booth, yet you can't afford to feed your guests? Ok.

Yep. Sounds like you have some things you could cut. Food is NOT one of them. You need to feed people.

It's especially rude to make your guests wait around while you eat and they don't get to.

I once went to a "dry" wedding, which is perfectly fine. But then we saw the wedding party sneaking back into a secret room where they had drinks. They were walking around with them. It felt really crappy to know that they to have a beer and we didn't. If I found out you did the same thing with food, I would be pissed and probably not want to be your friend anymore.

Maggie0829 · April 2015

Cut your guest list to 120.

Do not accept money from your FMIL because money comes with strings and that means she can start adding people to your guest list. Since you can only fit 120 people then this could lead to some major issues.

Get rid of all the unnecessary items such as the champagne toast and photo booth and favors. People can toast you just as easily with a soda or a glass of wine or a mix drink as they can with champagne. And photo booths are fun, but can be a big eye sore if you are squashed into a corner eating a slice of cheese and a cracker. Food/drink is > extras.

Possibly consider pushing your wedding time back to like 8pm. This way you can have a light app and dessert reception instead of providing a full dinner which will help cut down some costs.

redoryx · April 2015

Knottie14450423 said:
She has offered to help, but we are not relying on her as she has her own finances to work out. We've already established that my fiance will narrow down his side of the group. The issue is feeding 120 people is expensive, I'm not changing my venue, and my date is set on a Friday evening.

Just because your venue can hold 120 people doesn't mean you have to invite 120 people and if you can't afford to properly host 120 people then you shouldn't have a guest list of 140-160 and certainly shouldn't have it if it's over your venue capacity.

flantastic · April 2015

This is so absolutely a "but the wedding I always dreamed of is at this fancy venue with a photobooth and a lot of people, and I shouldn't have to give that up" situation.

You don't have to give up that vision if that's what you truly want. No one is forcing you to get married in July. You have time to postpone until you can save enough money to do both the things you need to do (food) and want to do. However, if you want to make the choice to get married in a few months, you cannot have all these things.

It's okay! The important thing is that you'll get to be married to your FI. People would have a good time celebrating with you without a photobooth or champagne. They don't even technically need any alcohol - you can host only non-alcoholic beverages. But if you continue with your current plan, no one will remember your wedding as a fun celebration.

banana468 · April 2015

Am I reading this correctly that you want to feed some but not all guests?

Oh shit no. Just no.

That's going to go over about as well as a fart in church.

You and your FI need to figure out how many people you can afford to feed equally. As in - all of you are offered and able to consume the same food. If that's 20 then that's your guest list. If that's 100 then that's your guest list.

The private meal with your bridal party is your rehearsal dinner and it's the day before your wedding.

If I was ever a guest at a wedding like this I'd either decline if I knew in advance or I'd be PISSED at the reception and I probably wouldn't stay.

climbingsingle · April 2015

This is horribly rude. You need to host all of your guests properly, especially for what seems to be a wedding during a meal time.

If your event room can only hold 120 guests, you can't invite more than that. and make sure you're including yourselves and your vendors in that count.

Cut out the extras and hosts your guests properly. That means serving all 120 people a meal, and not making them pay for a soda. You don't need to have a photo booth.

peachy13 · April 2015

OP -- everyone on this thread has great advice for you. How would you feel if you were invited to a wedding and were being served passed apps or whatever, and then found out that some of the other guests received a full dinner meal before you showed up? I doubt you would shrug it off just because there's a photobooth and champagne toast at the reception. You would be pissed that the bride and groom blatantly chose a group of people more important than you to feed.

lyndausvi · April 2015

Ugh. My DH is in a wedding. The groom was telling a story how only the WP will be getting a particular food item(s) and not the rest of the guests. I'm not in the WP. That made be think "WTF". So DH gets whatever and I don't. It was just odd that he even brought it up. Made me feel pretty shitting and unwelcome.

I can't even imagine how I would feel if I heard there was a full blown meal for some and not others.

Change your venue, cut your list. For the love of god get rid of the Photo Booth. But do not have a private dinner for some of the guests and not others. No.

banana468 · April 2015

FWIW, I was a guest at a wedding where the only difference I noticed was that the WP had open bar and the rest of the guests had to pay for their drinks. DH was a GM and we were split for the reception (they had a head table too) and he sauntered up to me with his rum & Coke and a smile while I was pissed that I was charged for my Diet Coke.

It's been nearly 11 years and I remember the cheapness. I can't remember their wedding cake and I can't remember what I ate for dinner but I can remember being made to feel like having to reach into my pocket for even a soda royally chapped my hide.

flantastic · April 2015

lyndausvi said:
Ugh. My DH is in a wedding. The groom was telling a story how only the WP will be getting a particular food item(s) and not the rest of the guests. I'm not in the WP. That made be think "WTF". So DH gets whatever and I don't. It was just odd that he even brought it up. Made me feel pretty shitting and unwelcome.

I can't even imagine how I would feel if I heard there was a full blown meal for some and not others.

Change your venue, cut your list. For the love of god get rid of the Photo Booth. But do not have a private dinner for some of the guests and not others. No.

Yeah, the groom in one of the fall weddings I'm in was talking about a scotch bar for just the WP (because his guys are scotch enthusiasts and he doesn't want to spring for it for everyone) like it was a brilliant idea, in front of my DH. I really wanted to say "Actually, that's pretty rude," because it is, and that's only a different type/quality of alcohol.

Private dinner before reception

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