Share your story here - tiered/inconsistent hosting

MGP · May 2015

That "private dinner" thread really got me thinking that tiered/inconsistent hosting is truly at the top of the list of etiquette mistakes. There is not much more you can do to publicly show what guests mean more to you than others. I know some of these have been told before, but thought this could be a centralized location and cautionary tale for brides considering doing this. Not the hypotheticals or worst case, but the reality of it from people who have been there. Please share your story and feel free to include things like:

were you made aware this was how you would be hosted, or was it sprung on you at the wedding?

did the couple give a reason for doing what they did?

how did other guests react?

were there obvious elements of the wedding where the dollars could have been spent towards hosting all guests equally (expensive dress, photo booth, lots of flowers, etc)

what is your relationship like now with the couple?

Curious to read the responses!

AlexisA01 · May 2015

MGP said:
That "private dinner" thread really got me thinking that tiered/inconsistent hosting is truly at the top of the list of etiquette mistakes. There is not much more you can do to publicly show what guests mean more to you than others. I know some of these have been told before, but thought this could be a centralized location and cautionary tale for brides considering doing this. Not the hypotheticals or worst case, but the reality of it from people who have been there. Please share your story and feel free to include things like:

were you made aware this was how you would be hosted, or was it sprung on you at the wedding?
did the couple give a reason for doing what they did?
how did other guests react?
were there obvious elements of the wedding where the dollars could have been spent towards hosting all guests equally (expensive dress, photo booth, lots of flowers, etc)
what is your relationship like now with the couple?

Curious to read the responses!

A wedding i attended with an roommate was where the bridal party and the guests received different meals and drinks. The bridal party was given salmon and steak for their entrees with champagne while a basic chicken and beef dish was served to the rest of the guest. Tea and water was served for the guest and the bridal party was given champagne, the bride and groom were drinking on mixed drinks. The cake was even worse; the couple was cutting a elaborate, fancy red velvet cake but passed out cut slices of vanilla sheet cake from an other place.

lyndausvi · May 2015

I've never attended a tired reception. To my knowledge the couple or WP were not given better items than the rest of the guests.

We do have a wedding next year where they groom stated that only the WP will get an item (he told us at a dinner party). I'm not in the WP, DH is. I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt they will figure out between now and then it's not a good idea.

As a host I always give my guests the best glasses, seats, food, etc. If there is one piece of something left I would give it to my guests before I would take the item. Not that I've ever run out of food, but if it happened that is what I would do.

I do not see why my wedding would be any different? FWIW - we sat at a normal table, with normal chairs at our wedding. Our Cps were different from the other tables simply because we had glass vases setup for the BM's and my self to put our bouquets in. Other than that it looked like another other table.

themosthappy91 · May 2015

Thankfully I've never been to a tiered ceremony/reception, but I want to rant about something based on my own experience as a bride. I think people in the wedding industry are SO sneaky about trying to get you to do this kind of stuff- I can't tell you how many times I was offered/encouraged to choose a nicer bottle of champagne for the wedding party during the champagne toast/make certain foods available only to ourselves/get a better quality cake for just a portion of the guests etc. The way they push these things on you is so casual and they make it seem so normal that I can easily see brides just getting excited/overwhelmed and going with it. Beware, ladies!

banana468 · May 2015

DH was in a wedding where the WP had free drinks of all kinds but the rest of the guests had to pony up even for diet soda. I wasn't impressed.

julieanne912 · May 2015

I mentioned this in another thread, but at my cousin's wedding last year, prior to the ceremony starting, we were told only members of the wedding party could have beverages from the bar (even non-alcoholic ones) prior to the start of the ceremony. It was hot out and something to drink while waiting would have been nice.

charcoalandblush · May 2015

When I was 19 I was in a wedding where there was open bar for WP but cash bar for everyone else. It was the first wedding I had been in as an adult, so I really didn't know any better.

Butterflyz419 · May 2015

I went to a wedding a few years ago where after the ceremony the immediate family and maybe some other VIPs, dunno, went to dinner together. Everyone else was invited to a low-key get together with karaoke and beer later that night. Didn't care. Didn't have any effect on my opinion of them. This was a short notice, low key wedding planned in about 2 months (we were invited over g-chat) and they did what made sense for them and we were told the plan in advance. The low-key party later was great, got to see an MIT professor sing Britney Spears karaoke.

I could see then, and still can see no reason for me to be offended by it, but then again I can't think of a single time I've ever been offended by a wedding I've attended (and I've been to 15) and that includes attending a wedding without my SO, a PPD, cash bars, and being invited under my mother's name even though I was an adult not living at home. Shrug. These things are not worthy of offense in my world.

justsie · May 2015

When I was very young my family was invited to a tiered reception, we got there about 15 minutes before the start time on the invitation and apparently everyone who was invited to dinner ate slower than they thought so we got to stand around the room watching them eat. It was really uncomfortable for my family, we dropped off our gift and left shortly after.

allispain · May 2015

DH was a groomsman in a wedding in which BP members got free alcoholic drinks while it was a cash bar for everyone else.

MGP · May 2015

What is the deal with the wedding party getting special treatment? It's like that thread where the bride wanted to go on a bus with her wedding party for several hours and do an extended photo shoot. Seriously if all you want to do is hang out with your wedding party then why invite other people?

twojunebrides · May 2015

FI and were invited to a close friend's "wedding dance." This was 3 summers ago... I was young and didn't really even think about how it was rude... I just felt badly.. like I wasn't important enough to see this friend get married, eat the dinner, watch them cut cake.

We got an invitation that clearly stated we were being invited to just the dance-- I don't remember the wording, but it was pretty clear. Another good friend of ours was a bridesmaid in the wedding... I casually asked her about the dance situation. This friend told me that they had a very limited guest list due to venue space. The bridesmaid/ friend's boyfriend wasn't even invited until the dance.

So anyway, we got there about 1/2 hour after the "dance" was set to start, because we though that if dinner ran late, we didn't want to walk in half way through dinner. Even though we came late, they were still eating dinner. It was super awkward, we ended up getting drinks from the (cash) bar and going out onto the patio.

when dinner finally got done, we went back in to watch the spotlight dances. They had to remove 3-4 tables to make room for the dance floor, so all those people were just standing, in addition the the 20 people who showed up for the "dance." It was horribly awkward. The space wasn't big enough.

We did enjoy the dance-- but every time we wanted to sit and take a break, we had nowhere to sit.

Because I wasn't invited to the other parts of the event, I don't know if money was spent in other ways that could have been used differently, but I do know that they chose a small golf-course venue and that's what caused the space issues.

thisismynickname2 · May 2015

DH and I were invited via e-mail to celebrate a wedding of people in his extended social circle, at a bar we'd never been to, around 8 on a Saturday night. So we brought a card with a gift card in it, but discovered not only was it in an upscale bar with private dining that they were using for this celebration, but that there had clearly been a ceremony and dinner there earlier that same day. All the other guests were in suits and cocktail dresses; we were in jeans and nice tops (it was a bar). The other guests didn't have to pay at the bar for drinks, we did. There was no food available. Apparently the dinner reception was for roughly around, oh, I'd say 30-40 people, and they'd invited another 40 of their friends to come drink and dance later. Of the latter 40, only about 10 of us did show up. Now, gee, I wonder why? [Edit to add: The best man drunkenly told us he couldn't believe more of the friends didn't show up, and thought THEY were the rude ones.]

Honestly though? Though we were taken by surprise after we showed up, and felt super awkward initially like we were crashing a wedding, we had a nice time in the end. These are people in his extended circle, and while we knew they were engaged, we definitely weren't close enough to be privy to their plans, so we had no idea we were actually invited to a tiered reception. We were surprised to be invited to anything anyway. Oh, and we were never thanked for that gift card. At least it wasn't for nearly as much as we'd give to close friends, but still.

[One more edit: See, we actually thought we were invited to a bar night. Like, "Hey we got married, come out and say hi." We didn't know this was actually a tiered reception. Probably wouldn't have gone if we'd known. So, for a Saturday night at a bar, we had a nice time. I know for fact the bride got her gown off ebay for $80, and they set up an IPod rather than have a DJ, so I don't think they were cheaping out maliciously. I think they were just clueless that having a small wedding is totally fine, and you don't have to invite everyone you know!]

Sioux1986 · May 2015

H and I went to a wedding May 2014 (which we were B-listed to) that included tiered hotel blocks (not sure if this is etiquette approved: certain guests were invited to block at a nicer hotel that the shuttle picked up from while the rest of guests were only given info for a less nice hotel block). Then, during cocktail hour, there were two bars/rooms: one for the guests and one for the bridal party.

The bridal party room had top shelf liquor, cigars and wait staff bringing them nicer food (we could see into the room through the plebeian's room bar). Now, we were pretty well hosted with an open bar with call brands and pretty good apps, but it just seemed very like...."this is the VIP room where we go to get away from the great unwashed" and the were pretty much sequestered the entire cocktail hour.

It was mostly just kind of weird because we came to see and congratulate the bride and groom, who clearly were more interested in their segregated party (no receiving line or table visits were done at all).

thisismynickname2 · May 2015

Sioux1986 said:
H and I went to a wedding May 2014 (which we were B-listed to) that included tiered hotel blocks (not sure if this is etiquette approved: certain guests were invited to block at a nicer hotel that the shuttle picked up from while the rest of guests were only given info for a less nice hotel block). Then, during cocktail hour, there were two bars/rooms: one for the guests and one for the bridal party.

The bridal party room had top shelf liquor, cigars and wait staff bringing them nicer food (we could see into the room through the plebeian's room bar). Now, we were pretty well hosted with an open bar with call brands and pretty good apps, but it just seemed very like...."this is the VIP room where we go to get away from the great unwashed" and the were pretty much sequestered the entire cocktail hour.

It was mostly just kind of weird because we came to see and congratulate the bride and groom, who clearly were more interested in their segregated party (no receiving line or table visits were done at all).

whovianstark · May 2015

themosthappy91 said:
Thankfully I've never been to a tiered ceremony/reception, but I want to rant about something based on my own experience as a bride. I think people in the wedding industry are SO sneaky about trying to get you to do this kind of stuff- I can't tell you how many times I was offered/encouraged to choose a nicer bottle of champagne for the wedding party during the champagne toast/make certain foods available only to ourselves/get a better quality cake for just a portion of the guests etc. The way they push these things on you is so casual and they make it seem so normal that I can easily see brides just getting excited/overwhelmed and going with it. Beware, ladies!

This is so true! I know this is a minor example but my venue mentioned that no matter what tier of food we select, the B&G can have whatever they want for dinner (a more expensive item without additional cost). At first I thought this was a great idea but then thanks to these boards I realized how rude that would be.

sophhabobopha · May 2015

Sioux1986 said:
H and I went to a wedding May 2014 (which we were B-listed to) that included tiered hotel blocks (not sure if this is etiquette approved: certain guests were invited to block at a nicer hotel that the shuttle picked up from while the rest of guests were only given info for a less nice hotel block). Then, during cocktail hour, there were two bars/rooms: one for the guests and one for the bridal party.

The bridal party room had top shelf liquor, cigars and wait staff bringing them nicer food (we could see into the room through the plebeian's room bar). Now, we were pretty well hosted with an open bar with call brands and pretty good apps, but it just seemed very like...."this is the VIP room where we go to get away from the great unwashed" and the were pretty much sequestered the entire cocktail hour.

It was mostly just kind of weird because we came to see and congratulate the bride and groom, who clearly were more interested in their segregated party (no receiving line or table visits were done at all).

redheadbride15 · May 2015

I went to a wedding a few years ago where I (along with about 300 other people) were invited to a big reception but there was no ceremony, though we were not told that we would not see the ceremony. I later found out that they had invited a smaller group of people the night before to the ceremony followed by a formal and very extravagant 7 course meal. The reception I attended, on the other hand, had a casual buffet, bar limited to cocktail hour only, wine with dinner, and then dancing afterwards.

So I guess that it was sort a combination PPD/tiered celebration. Either way, I was sort of insulted at the time but I didn't fully understand why until I lurked on TK.

NowIamMrsKlein · May 2015

A couple years back I got invited to a family friends wedding. Invite was for ceremony and a much later cake and punch reception. I was a little irritated with the large gap, but figured since the rest of my family was invited we could go out for a family dinner in between.

When I called my parents and siblings to arrange this, they were confused because they were under the impression that there was a wedding dinner. They had all received inserts in their invites with information on the wedding dinner.

Of course, with finding out the dinner information was on an insert, and the rest of my family had been invited to dinner, I logically assume that my insert had been misplaced. Sadly this was not the case. They could only afford dinner for X amount of people. I have no idea how they chose who was special enough to be fed.

So the rest of my family got to go eat a nice dinner, and I was left alone to figure out what do with myself during a 3 hour gap.

grawr.

levioosa · May 2015

I went to a tiered reception, although at the time I didn't know the name for it. I was part of the "special" group that had the privilege of attending the fully hosted dinner portion in addition to the cake and punch they had following the ceremony. I remember thinking that it was really weird and inconsiderate. It seemed logical to offer the same things to everyone, and it seemed really insulting to call out the guests who were only good enough to attend the cake and punch. The way they navigated around telling the "special" people it was time to get on a shuttle and leave the cake and punch was really awkward too.

flantastic · May 2015

Sioux1986 said:
H and I went to a wedding May 2014 (which we were B-listed to) that included tiered hotel blocks (not sure if this is etiquette approved: certain guests were invited to block at a nicer hotel that the shuttle picked up from while the rest of guests were only given info for a less nice hotel block). Then, during cocktail hour, there were two bars/rooms: one for the guests and one for the bridal party.

The bridal party room had top shelf liquor, cigars and wait staff bringing them nicer food (we could see into the room through the plebeian's room bar). Now, we were pretty well hosted with an open bar with call brands and pretty good apps, but it just seemed very like...."this is the VIP room where we go to get away from the great unwashed" and the were pretty much sequestered the entire cocktail hour.

It was mostly just kind of weird because we came to see and congratulate the bride and groom, who clearly were more interested in their segregated party (no receiving line or table visits were done at all).

I'm a little afraid that the wedding I'm in in November will be like this. I know the groom is planning a scotch bar for just the WP, and presumably it'll be in a room like this. He seems kinda immature to me, so I don't think he'll see a problem with just hanging out with his guys and drinking scotch that's not available to anyone else. (He also thinks he's more of a whiskey expert than he is. I'm debating whether it'd be kinder or ruder to the unwashed masses if I bring DH some scotch - I know he'll appreciate it more than the GMs I've met.)

And where there is one VIP hosted element, there may well be more.

I keep hearing things from the bride about her "problems" (i.e. she and MOG cannot agree on MOG attire) and I have to work hard to keep from rolling my eyes.

Sioux1986 · May 2015

redheadbride15 said:
I went to a wedding a few years ago where I (along with about 300 other people) were invited to a big reception but there was no ceremony, though we were not told that we would not see the ceremony. I later found out that they had invited a smaller group of people the night before to the ceremony followed by a formal and very extravagant 7 course meal. The reception I attended, on the other hand, had a casual buffet, bar limited to cocktail hour only, wine with dinner, and then dancing afterwards.

So I guess that it was sort a combination PPD/tiered celebration. Either way, I was sort of insulted at the time but I didn't fully understand why until I lurked on TK.

Like....why? If that's what you really want....just have THAT! Why do you need a big blow out too? Or why not make the exclusive fancy dinner the rehearsal dinner?

I just can't imagine the logistics around planning even more separate events? Even being "gift grabby makes no sense.

redheadbride15 · May 2015

Sioux1986 said:

redheadbride15 said:
I went to a wedding a few years ago where I (along with about 300 other people) were invited to a big reception but there was no ceremony, though we were not told that we would not see the ceremony. I later found out that they had invited a smaller group of people the night before to the ceremony followed by a formal and very extravagant 7 course meal. The reception I attended, on the other hand, had a casual buffet, bar limited to cocktail hour only, wine with dinner, and then dancing afterwards.

So I guess that it was sort a combination PPD/tiered celebration. Either way, I was sort of insulted at the time but I didn't fully understand why until I lurked on TK.
Like....why? If that's what you really want....just have THAT! Why do you need a big blow out too? Or why not make the exclusive fancy dinner the rehearsal dinner?

I just can't imagine the logistics around planning even more separate events? Even being "gift grabby makes no sense.

Yeah, if you want to have an exclusive and extravagant dinner the night before then that's totally fine (like with a rehearsal dinner), but I still don't understand why they chose to also have the ceremony the night before. If you're going to invite 300 people then why not actually get married in front of them all? The venue was certainly large enough.

MGP · May 2015

redheadbride15 said:

Sioux1986 said:

redheadbride15 said:
I went to a wedding a few years ago where I (along with about 300 other people) were invited to a big reception but there was no ceremony, though we were not told that we would not see the ceremony. I later found out that they had invited a smaller group of people the night before to the ceremony followed by a formal and very extravagant 7 course meal. The reception I attended, on the other hand, had a casual buffet, bar limited to cocktail hour only, wine with dinner, and then dancing afterwards.

So I guess that it was sort a combination PPD/tiered celebration. Either way, I was sort of insulted at the time but I didn't fully understand why until I lurked on TK.
Like....why? If that's what you really want....just have THAT! Why do you need a big blow out too? Or why not make the exclusive fancy dinner the rehearsal dinner?

I just can't imagine the logistics around planning even more separate events? Even being "gift grabby makes no sense.
Yeah, if you want to have an exclusive and extravagant dinner the night before then that's totally fine (like with a rehearsal dinner), but I still don't understand why they chose to also have the ceremony the night before. If you're going to invite 300 people then why not actually get married in front of them all? The venue was certainly large enough.

Because they're the people that post the threads that say "we want to extend this as many days as possible to soak it all in and have as many people as possible come and celebrate with us". Barf.

lyndausvi · May 2015

redheadbride15 said:
I went to a wedding a few years ago where I (along with about 300 other people) were invited to a big reception but there was no ceremony, though we were not told that we would not see the ceremony. I later found out that they had invited a smaller group of people the night before to the ceremony followed by a formal and very extravagant 7 course meal. The reception I attended, on the other hand, had a casual buffet, bar limited to cocktail hour only, wine with dinner, and then dancing afterwards.

So I guess that it was sort a combination PPD/tiered celebration. Either way, I was sort of insulted at the time but I didn't fully understand why until I lurked on TK.

That is not against etiquette. They invited you to a party. They were clear you would not see a ceremony. It was simply a party to celebrate their union.

They didn't have a PPD. More like a AHR that people who have DW's have. Except on the same weekend.

marie2785 · May 2015

flantastic said: Sioux1986 said:H and I went to a wedding May 2014 (which we were B-listed to) that included tiered hotel blocks (not sure if this is etiquette approved: certain guests were invited to block at a nicer hotel that the shuttle picked up from while the rest of guests were only given info for a less nice hotel block). Then, during cocktail hour, there were two bars/rooms: one for the guests and one for the bridal party.
The bridal party room had top shelf liquor, cigars and wait staff bringing them nicer food (we could see into the room through the plebeian's room bar). Now, we were pretty well hosted with an open bar with call brands and pretty good apps, but it just seemed very like...."this is the VIP room where we go to get away from the great unwashed" and the were pretty much sequestered the entire cocktail hour.
It was mostly just kind of weird because we came to see and congratulate the bride and groom, who clearly were more interested in their segregated party (no receiving line or table visits were done at all).

I'm a little afraid that the wedding I'm in in November will be like this. I know the groom is planning a scotch bar for just the WP, and presumably it'll be in a room like this. He seems kinda immature to me, so I don't think he'll see a problem with just hanging out with his guys and drinking scotch that's not available to anyone else. (He also thinks he's more of a whiskey expert than he is. I'm debating whether it'd be kinder or ruder to the unwashed masses if I bring DH some scotch - I know he'll appreciate it more than the GMs I've met.)
And where there is one VIP hosted element, there may well be more.
I keep hearing things from the bride about her "problems" (i.e. she and MOG cannot agree on MOG attire) and I have to work hard to keep from rolling my eyes.~~~~~~~~BOXES BROKE~~~~~~~~~~~

My FI wants to have fancy scotch for all his groomsmen too even though the reception is just beer and wine. So he's giving them an engraved flask filled with a local brand of scotch for their groomsmen's gift, and they can consume it on the limo if they so wish. I guess they could at the reception but they're all pretty classy guys so I doubt they will.

So yea, there are other ways of giving your groomsmen fancy scotch that don't involve them rudely ordering it and drinking it in front of other guests who aren't allowed to have it.

LondonLisa · May 2015

Fi and I were invited to the after portion of a wedding. At first I didn't realise it since it was out of town but then upon reading the further information, I realised I was "allowed to come after the cake cutting at 7" and I could "enjoy the cash and card bar". They also wanted us to pay to stay in the stately home they had rented- I think they had a minimum number of overnight guests and hadn't met it yet (rooms there were about £350 a night!) . So basically we were invited to pay to stay up in our room whilst everyone else was partying downstairs. We could then come and pay for our own drinks. And we couldn't even get some cake (bloody bastards! Apologies for the swearing but few things boil my blood like "no cake for you", I think you knotties will agree!). Furthermore, they included their honeymoon registry information.

I'm sorry, but your wedding isn't a huge honour to be invited to. Why do people think their wedding is the event of the season that everyone is just clamoring for the scraps of the pity evening invite.

Now, we would have sent this couple nice gift because we weren't expecting to be invited. But this slap in the face, insulting invite meant that we just sent a card and our regrets. I hear through the grapevine they are now complaining that they have to use their "honeymoon" money (registry) to pay for the stately home since they aren't meeting the minimum and that their friends are so rude for going to the wedding but staying elsewhere (for half the price, mind you!).

ETF- typo

MGP · May 2015

It's funny how tiered hosting produces some next level etiquette issues.

Making your guests pay for anything is bad, making only some of your guests pay for something is even worse.

Not feeding your guests is bad, but not feeding only some of your guests is even worse.

SP29 · May 2015

@LondonLisa- I think no cake (or dessert) may be the biggest wedding sin!

saric83 · May 2015

We were invited to DH's cousin's wedding and drove five hours to his hometown to attend. We went to DH's parents' house ahead of time since we were planning to drive together to the reception (private ceremony with just immediate family), and we realized our invitations had different start times. DH's parents were invited at 5pm for dinner, and we were just invited at 7pm. DH's mom was mortified and called her sister (MOB), who was shocked and equally mortified. They (paid for the reception but weren't involved in the planning) had no idea the invites were done like that and were pissed to say the least.

It was SO uncomfortable walking in at our start-time (with about 30 other people) as everyone else already had seats and had spread their stuff out and looked really confused to see us coming in. We had nowhere to sit, no food, cash bar, never got a chance to talk with the bride and groom as they were in full party mode on the dance floor the whole time, and the reception was done about two hours after we got there. Had we known, we absolutely would have skipped it and saved those 10 hours in the car.

lovegood90 · May 2015

saric83 said:
We were invited to DH's cousin's wedding and drove five hours to his hometown to attend. We went to DH's parents' house ahead of time since we were planning to drive together to the reception (private ceremony with just immediate family), and we realized our invitations had different start times. DH's parents were invited at 5pm for dinner, and we were just invited at 7pm. DH's mom was mortified and called her sister (MOB), who was shocked and equally mortified. They (paid for the reception but weren't involved in the planning) had no idea the invites were done like that and were pissed to say the least.

It was SO uncomfortable walking in at our start-time (with about 30 other people) as everyone else already had seats and had spread their stuff out and looked really confused to see us coming in. We had nowhere to sit, no food, cash bar, never got a chance to talk with the bride and groom as they were in full party mode on the dance floor the whole time, and the reception was done about two hours after we got there. Had we known, we absolutely would have skipped it and saved those 10 hours in the car.

Holy shit that is awful! If someone did that to me I don't think I'd ever speak to them again. What are people thinking when they do this?

Especially people who think it's okay to do similar shit like this to coworkers (ahem, another thread on here)- like, do you value your career at all??

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