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The "I Do" BBQ - Day After Wedding - Appropriate to invite other guests?

definitelynotpinterestenoughdefinitelynotpinterestenough member
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Due to venue/budget constraints, we can't have more than 45 people at our wedding. I'm aware that inviting people to the "after party" after the wedding (that will not be hosted) would be in bad taste, but would it be in bad taste to have a big BBQ the next day? 

No wedding dress, maybe a nice ivory looking dress but not the whole nine yards with a photographer and DEFINITELY NO GIFTS. Separate invitations for everyone inviting them to the BBQ and again, specifically stating no gifts. Very casual.

I would host this, with drinks/food for everyone. I would invite everyone who went to the wedding the day before, as well as probably an additional 30 people. Is this considered a tiered reception? It's just an idea. Thanks.
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Re: The "I Do" BBQ - Day After Wedding - Appropriate to invite other guests?

  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    I agree with Banana.  The next day still feels too much like a WR event, especially since well over half of the invited guests will have just been at the wedding and will all be talking about it.

    Give it a few weeks at least, then I think a BBQ would be fine.
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  • definitelynotpinterestenoughdefinitelynotpinterestenough member
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    Thanks! I appreciate it. Maybe after my honeymoon which is about 2 weeks later. <3 
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    dontaskme said:

    Thanks! I appreciate it. Maybe after my honeymoon which is about 2 weeks later. <3 

    That sounds perfect.
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  • frenchiekinfrenchiekin member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    Agree with PPs, this feels more like a day after brunch than a separate celebration of marriage party.  I would wait on this.


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  • whovianstarkwhovianstark member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    dontaskme said:

    Due to venue/budget constraints, we can't have more than 45 people at our wedding. I'm aware that inviting people to the "after party" after the wedding (that will not be hosted) would be in bad taste, but would it be in bad taste to have a big BBQ the next day? 


    No wedding dress, maybe a nice ivory looking dress but not the whole nine yards with a photographer and DEFINITELY NO GIFTS. Separate invitations for everyone inviting them to the BBQ and again, specifically stating no gifts. Very casual.

    I would host this, with drinks/food for everyone. I would invite everyone who went to the wedding the day before, as well as probably an additional 30 people. Is this considered a tiered reception? It's just an idea. Thanks.
    I would avoid stating no gifts. I would just keep it a casual invitation. Stating no gifts can actually come off as gift grabby (at least from what I have seen on the boards before). Even though I know that is not your intention!
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  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    whovianstark said:

    dontaskme said:

    Due to venue/budget constraints, we can't have more than 45 people at our wedding. I'm aware that inviting people to the "after party" after the wedding (that will not be hosted) would be in bad taste, but would it be in bad taste to have a big BBQ the next day? 


    No wedding dress, maybe a nice ivory looking dress but not the whole nine yards with a photographer and DEFINITELY NO GIFTS. Separate invitations for everyone inviting them to the BBQ and again, specifically stating no gifts. Very casual.

    I would host this, with drinks/food for everyone. I would invite everyone who went to the wedding the day before, as well as probably an additional 30 people. Is this considered a tiered reception? It's just an idea. Thanks.
    I would avoid stating no gifts. I would just keep it a casual invitation. Stating no gifts can actually come off as gift grabby (at least from what I have seen on the boards before). Even though I know that is not your intention!
    Correctish - it implies that you would have been expecting gifts (never something to be expected) but are oh-so-graciously removing that requirement. Or dictating their behavior. Or, in some cases, "no gifts" means "cashmoneyplease." Just don't talk about gifts.
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  • bizzy592bizzy592 member
    250 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I would also skip the white dress.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    dontaskme said:

    Thanks! I appreciate it. Maybe after my honeymoon which is about 2 weeks later. <3 

    I'd personally just have the cookout around a holiday/birthday and use that as the event to invite ppl over.  Then your wedding isn't the focus, but you can still show ppl pictures if they ask about it.



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    mrscomposer said:

    dontaskme said:

    Due to venue/budget constraints, we can't have more than 45 people at our wedding. I'm aware that inviting people to the "after party" after the wedding (that will not be hosted) would be in bad taste, but would it be in bad taste to have a big BBQ the next day? 


    No wedding dress, maybe a nice ivory looking dress but not the whole nine yards with a photographer and DEFINITELY NO GIFTS. Separate invitations for everyone inviting them to the BBQ and again, specifically stating no gifts. Very casual.

    I would host this, with drinks/food for everyone. I would invite everyone who went to the wedding the day before, as well as probably an additional 30 people. Is this considered a tiered reception? It's just an idea. Thanks.

    I'm confused.  So budget is a factor in why you're only inviting 45 people to your wedding - how does it make sense to host that party, and then host ANOTHER party for MORE people?  Why don't you just find another venue that can fit everyone the first time?
    Yeah, I was confused by all this too!


    Also, full disclosure, I don't understand nor am I a fan of these "We're hosting another party to celebrate our marriage with people we couldn't invite due to reasons" parties.  Usually these events are called AHRs and follow a destination wedding, but the premise is the same to me.

    It sucks not to be able to invite everyone you want to due to budget issues, but you celebrate your wedding on the day of with whomever you can afford to invite and whomever makes it.  having a second event, no matter how casual, to try and include other ppl in celebrating your wedding day just seems gratuitous and unneccessary to me.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • whovianstarkwhovianstark member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    flantastic said:

    whovianstark said:

    dontaskme said:

    Due to venue/budget constraints, we can't have more than 45 people at our wedding. I'm aware that inviting people to the "after party" after the wedding (that will not be hosted) would be in bad taste, but would it be in bad taste to have a big BBQ the next day? 


    No wedding dress, maybe a nice ivory looking dress but not the whole nine yards with a photographer and DEFINITELY NO GIFTS. Separate invitations for everyone inviting them to the BBQ and again, specifically stating no gifts. Very casual.

    I would host this, with drinks/food for everyone. I would invite everyone who went to the wedding the day before, as well as probably an additional 30 people. Is this considered a tiered reception? It's just an idea. Thanks.
    I would avoid stating no gifts. I would just keep it a casual invitation. Stating no gifts can actually come off as gift grabby (at least from what I have seen on the boards before). Even though I know that is not your intention!
    Correctish - it implies that you would have been expecting gifts (never something to be expected) but are oh-so-graciously removing that requirement. Or dictating their behavior. Or, in some cases, "no gifts" means "cashmoneyplease." Just don't talk about gifts.
    Thanks! :) I was almost there in my thought process I just didn't quite have the understanding 100%
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  • notdoingitbythebooknotdoingitbythebook member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2015
    I love calling it an "I Do BBQ" (I'm going to steal it) but I have to agree with others (shocking, I know) that inviting people not at the wedding to an event day the day after does give off a "here's your consolation prize" vibe. We're doing a party the day after but to thank those guests who helped us out at the wedding and to have one more day with our out of town guests. I'd just have a party a few weeks after with the others just because it's fun.
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  • definitelynotpinterestenoughdefinitelynotpinterestenough member
    First Comment
    Surely you must understand that throwing a BBQ is less expensive than a small venue? For a BBQ I can rent out a park shelter, get some nicer meats/sausages cooking, and home-make a bunch of sides. The wedding is catered and in a venue. Regardless, I do appreciate the comment and food for thought.
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  • definitelynotpinterestenoughdefinitelynotpinterestenough member
    First Comment
    PrettyGirlLost said:

    dontaskme said:

    Thanks! I appreciate it. Maybe after my honeymoon which is about 2 weeks later. <3 

    I'd personally just have the cookout around a holiday/birthday and use that as the event to invite ppl over.  Then your wedding isn't the focus, but you can still show ppl pictures if they ask about it.


    Pretty good idea. Thanks.
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  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Also put me in the camp of "I don't get why these parties exist." I will attend weddings for a lot of people, but even if my sibling got married and I wasn't able to be there for whatever reason, I would have no desire to attend a later party where the sole purpose was to celebrate his marriage.

    I really truly do not understand why people who say "I can't afford to host everyone at the wedding" also throw a consolation party.

    If the second party is of equal quality to the wedding, then yes, you could afford it, you just chose not to let everyone come see your wedding. (Why? The only reasonable excuse I've heard is social anxiety, and even then, you're going to be the center of attention at a celebration of marriage party.)

    If the second party is of lesser quality, why would you not just throw the cheaper party for all and host everyone for your actual wedding? If you truly wanted to "include" everyone in celebrating your wedding day, it's really easy just to do it. I hate when there's some other reason (we've always dreamed of this venue, I love fancy flowers, I really want this dress, etc.) that gets put ahead of actually including everyone, and so some people are supposed to enjoy being part of the clearly second-tier group that doesn't get to see you commit your life to someone AND receives a shittier level of hosting.

    It's the people who are important - or, if they're not, and you really want to choose X superficial elements of your wedding over inviting some people, don't pretend like you really care too much about celebrating with them.

    /rant over

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  • definitelynotpinterestenoughdefinitelynotpinterestenough member
    First Comment
    I don't really disagree with you. Honestly, I didn't want to have a big wedding. I've always wanted a small one. And so, I am having a small one -- mostly just family is invited. But I'm running into a lot of hurt feelings from friends and I guess I DID want to try to accommodate them, so I really do understand where the "consolation prize" thing comes from and it does make sense to me. 

    Throwing parties is fun for me and I didn't mind the idea of doing a more casual thing for those types of people (my wider circle of friends/social group). But hey, maybe it's just a bad idea and I should just forget it. :P Like I said in my OP, it was an idea I was tossing around, nothing I was doing for sure.
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  • definitelynotpinterestenoughdefinitelynotpinterestenough member
    First Comment
    The wedding is planned. The question was just "does this sound like a tiered reception/wedding." I'm not looking for criticism on my current planned wedding; I just wanted to try and accommodate some friends who had seemed hurt, but perhaps I should just stay the course with "we want to keep it intimate" like I have been. Thanks for your comment.
    climbingwife said:

    dontaskme said:

    Surely you must understand that throwing a BBQ is less expensive than a small venue? For a BBQ I can rent out a park shelter, get some nicer meats/sausages cooking, and home-make a bunch of sides. The wedding is catered and in a venue. Regardless, I do appreciate the comment and food for thought.

    So why not just have a less espensive wedding? 

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  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2015
    dontaskme said:

    I don't really disagree with you. Honestly, I didn't want to have a big wedding. I've always wanted a small one. And so, I am having a small one -- mostly just family is invited. But I'm running into a lot of hurt feelings from friends and I guess I DID want to try to accommodate them, so I really do understand where the "consolation prize" thing comes from and it does make sense to me. 


    Throwing parties is fun for me and I didn't mind the idea of doing a more casual thing for those types of people (my wider circle of friends/social group). But hey, maybe it's just a bad idea and I should just forget it. :P Like I said in my OP, it was an idea I was tossing around, nothing I was doing for sure.



    1st bolded: If this is really true, then just stop there and don't plan any more parties.

    2nd bolded: It sucks that they're hurt, but they can be adults and get over it. If they really want to celebrate with you, they can take you out to drinks on their own time or something.

    I've gone on a lot of similar rants about this on these boards time and time again, so I won't bother repeating myself and I'll just say: Your wedding is not The Event of the Century. (BTW these are all general "you's", not directed just to the OP). You are not royalty. You do not need multiple parties to "include" people or to keep "celebrating." You get one day- use it wisely.

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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    dontaskme said:

    I don't really disagree with you. Honestly, I didn't want to have a big wedding. I've always wanted a small one. And so, I am having a small one -- mostly just family is invited. But I'm running into a lot of hurt feelings from friends and I guess I DID want to try to accommodate them, so I really do understand where the "consolation prize" thing comes from and it does make sense to me. 


    Throwing parties is fun for me and I didn't mind the idea of doing a more casual thing for those types of people (my wider circle of friends/social group). But hey, maybe it's just a bad idea and I should just forget it. :P Like I said in my OP, it was an idea I was tossing around, nothing I was doing for sure.
    That's fine. Throw a party. But you're trying to make this a wedding related party that's a cheap consolation prize because you chose to have a more expensive wedding. 

    You COULD just do a BBQ style wedding at the same picnic shelter and invite everyone. 

    Just throw a party at some point. Honestly, I wouldn't make it anywhere near your wedding or related to the wedding at all. If you do, it's quite obviously a consolation prize.

    And don't feel bad about not inviting people. It's rude and presumptuous of people to expect that they'll be invited. 
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  • definitelynotpinterestenoughdefinitelynotpinterestenough member
    First Comment
    lovegood90 said:

    dontaskme said:

    I don't really disagree with you. Honestly, I didn't want to have a big wedding. I've always wanted a small one. And so, I am having a small one -- mostly just family is invited. But I'm running into a lot of hurt feelings from friends and I guess I DID want to try to accommodate them, so I really do understand where the "consolation prize" thing comes from and it does make sense to me. 


    Throwing parties is fun for me and I didn't mind the idea of doing a more casual thing for those types of people (my wider circle of friends/social group). But hey, maybe it's just a bad idea and I should just forget it. :P Like I said in my OP, it was an idea I was tossing around, nothing I was doing for sure.



    1st bolded: If this is really true, then just stop there and don't plan any more parties.

    2nd bolded: It sucks that they're hurt, but they can be adults and get over it. If they really want to celebrate with you, they can take you out to drinks on their own time or something.

    I've gone on a lot of similar rants about this on these boards time and time again, so I won't bother repeating myself and I'll just say: Your wedding is not The Event of the Century. (BTW these are all general "you's", not directed just to the OP). You are not royalty. You do not need multiple parties to "include" people or to keep "celebrating." You get one day- use it wisely.

    that's fair & I get that. I'll definitely consider just staying the course and keeping with what I've been saying "It's an intimate thing." People just keep asking me the date and then following up with like, "I'll have to see if I can get it off!" and it's just so damn awkward. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    dontaskme said:

    The wedding is planned. The question was just "does this sound like a tiered reception/wedding." I'm not looking for criticism on my current planned wedding; I just wanted to try and accommodate some friends who had seemed hurt, but perhaps I should just stay the course with "we want to keep it intimate" like I have been. Thanks for your comment.

    climbingwife said:

    dontaskme said:

    Surely you must understand that throwing a BBQ is less expensive than a small venue? For a BBQ I can rent out a park shelter, get some nicer meats/sausages cooking, and home-make a bunch of sides. The wedding is catered and in a venue. Regardless, I do appreciate the comment and food for thought.

    So why not just have a less espensive wedding? 

    You don't get to tell others how to post. I simply commented on what you shared. 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    dontaskme said:

    lovegood90 said:

    dontaskme said:

    I don't really disagree with you. Honestly, I didn't want to have a big wedding. I've always wanted a small one. And so, I am having a small one -- mostly just family is invited. But I'm running into a lot of hurt feelings from friends and I guess I DID want to try to accommodate them, so I really do understand where the "consolation prize" thing comes from and it does make sense to me. 


    Throwing parties is fun for me and I didn't mind the idea of doing a more casual thing for those types of people (my wider circle of friends/social group). But hey, maybe it's just a bad idea and I should just forget it. :P Like I said in my OP, it was an idea I was tossing around, nothing I was doing for sure.



    1st bolded: If this is really true, then just stop there and don't plan any more parties.

    2nd bolded: It sucks that they're hurt, but they can be adults and get over it. If they really want to celebrate with you, they can take you out to drinks on their own time or something.

    I've gone on a lot of similar rants about this on these boards time and time again, so I won't bother repeating myself and I'll just say: Your wedding is not The Event of the Century. (BTW these are all general "you's", not directed just to the OP). You are not royalty. You do not need multiple parties to "include" people or to keep "celebrating." You get one day- use it wisely.

    that's fair & I get that. I'll definitely consider just staying the course and keeping with what I've been saying "It's an intimate thing." People just keep asking me the date and then following up with like, "I'll have to see if I can get it off!" and it's just so damn awkward. 
    Yea, it's awkward. I think everyone experiences this. Even if you're having a bigger wedding. We invited 220 people and there were still uninvited people who asked. 

    People love weddings and they want to be invited. Some people will straight up ask "can I come to your wedding?" Some get even bolder "So I'm a bridesmaid, right?" 

    You just have repeat the message and immediately change the subject. 
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  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    If the party is truly just to assuage other people's hurt feelings, there is no real reason to throw it. If you like throwing parties, throw a family barbeque at some point. Or a friend barbeque. Have the small wedding you want and don't connect any other parties to the fact that you got married.

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Honestly, I wouldn't.

    It's a fact of life that not everyone can be invited to a wedding.  It will be asked, "If you can afford to host this, why couldn't you afford to host us at your wedding?" if you hold it the day after the wedding.

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  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    The only way I am good with any type of second celebration is if:

    The first celebration is a TRUE destination wedding.
    The guests for the second celebration were also invited to the wedding and just couldn't make the trip.
    The level of hosting is equal.
    (and of course no reenactments, wedding trappings, etc)

    But these "small intimate" weddings with a nice dinner and open bar for the inner circle and then another celebration for the second tier LESS THAN 24 HOURS LATER with sandwiches and a cash bar?  No, no, a thousand times no.  Why not just go all out for a long weekend and host a third celebration the day after that to make sure you hurt no one's feelings?  Make it a potluck while you are at it.  Because you know, people are seriously clamoring to make the cut.
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  • littlepeplittlepep member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    dontaskme said:

    lovegood90 said:

    dontaskme said:

    I don't really disagree with you. Honestly, I didn't want to have a big wedding. I've always wanted a small one. And so, I am having a small one -- mostly just family is invited. But I'm running into a lot of hurt feelings from friends and I guess I DID want to try to accommodate them, so I really do understand where the "consolation prize" thing comes from and it does make sense to me. 


    Throwing parties is fun for me and I didn't mind the idea of doing a more casual thing for those types of people (my wider circle of friends/social group). But hey, maybe it's just a bad idea and I should just forget it. :P Like I said in my OP, it was an idea I was tossing around, nothing I was doing for sure.



    1st bolded: If this is really true, then just stop there and don't plan any more parties.

    2nd bolded: It sucks that they're hurt, but they can be adults and get over it. If they really want to celebrate with you, they can take you out to drinks on their own time or something.

    I've gone on a lot of similar rants about this on these boards time and time again, so I won't bother repeating myself and I'll just say: Your wedding is not The Event of the Century. (BTW these are all general "you's", not directed just to the OP). You are not royalty. You do not need multiple parties to "include" people or to keep "celebrating." You get one day- use it wisely.

    that's fair & I get that. I'll definitely consider just staying the course and keeping with what I've been saying "It's an intimate thing." People just keep asking me the date and then following up with like, "I'll have to see if I can get it off!" and it's just so damn awkward. 
    People are super awkward. I think you should stick with your original plan and maybe throw a non-wedding related cookout later if you just like hosting people. It sounds like you're only doing this to appease people because you feel bad. Good intentions, but it's really not necessary and people are adults. They can get over it. Just stick with something like, "we're keeping it intimate, but I'd love to grab dinner/drinks after the honeymoon."
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