Chit Chat

WTF is this shower going to be like

Now that the Math Final Debacle of 2015 has been settled, I have some room in my brain to tackle wedding stuff again (which is fabulous, because it's much more fun to talk about).

The condensed version of this is that my mom and I have somewhat of an estranged relationship, and she's been using the wedding as a way to reconnect, which would be really nice aside from the fact that she has absolutely zero idea what's going on in my life aside from my wedding colors and the menu, basically. She offered to throw me a shower as soon as we told her we were engaged, and when I said that I hadn't really planned on having one because I think they're awkward, she insisted.

I asked that it be a couples shower so that FI could be there to keep me from getting jittery.

I got a text yesterday asking how many guests were invited to the wedding, and I told her it's currently 125, but we're hoping to get it closer to 100 before STDs. She replied, "K, just budgeting for the shower." I said, "Oh! Well, I would think it would be way less for the shower - maybe 50?" and she was really confused as to why it wasn't 100.

And now I have questions. Just … just so many questions.

- Is it normal to invite the entire guest list to the shower? I know the rule about not inviting anybody that will not ultimately be invited to the wedding, but who am I "supposed" to invite? I always thought the shower was more of an intimate party than the wedding itself, but maybe I'm wrong.

- She's also insisting we register - do we do that, or is that just as tacky as registering for a wedding? I didn't even want a shower in the first place, so I'm not looking for this to be gift-central.

- Should I anticipate there being awkward games at a couples shower the same way there is at a bridal shower? I don't want people to have to sit through those, but I know I'm not allowed to give input on my own shower. Just trying to mentally prepare myself (and maybe warn some friends).

TEACH ME YOUR SHOWER WAYS, KNOTTIES. What am I in for?
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Re: WTF is this shower going to be like

  • larrygagalarrygaga member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited May 2015
    Only invite your nearest and dearest, and please register for the shower or just decline it. You'll have people lost trying to figure out what to buy you or you will end up with a billion useless and not match gifts. Trust me, it matters. Everytime one of my guests went off the registry it was something totally crazy (a cast iron grilled cheese maker for a celiac????) or something that looked horrible with the colors that are already established in my home. Many gifts don't have a receipt and since they didn't come from my registry, IDK what to do with them.  At a shower, you won't get much money, people like to bring physical gifts. 

    In my experience, some games are fun but let people socialize. But you can't dictate that, just offer your opinion on games if asked. 

    Showers are hella awkward, but for me it was nice to see my loved ones and we all seemed to have a good time!

    A shower is gift central- it's meant to shower the couple in gifts!!! Decline it if you don't want it. Maybe include your mom in other parts of your life, or wedding planning instead!
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  • larrygaga said:

    Only invite your nearest and dearest, and please register for the shower or just decline it. You'll have people lost trying to figure out what to buy you or you will end up with a billion useless and not match gifts. Trust me, it matters. Everytime one of my guests went off the registry it was something totally crazy (a cast iron grilled cheese maker for a celiac????) or something that looked horrible with the colors that are already established in my home. Many gifts don't have a receipt and since they didn't come from my registry, IDK what to do with them.  At a shower, you won't get much money, people like to bring physical gifts. 


    In my experience, some games are fun but let people socialize. But you can't dictate that, just offer your opinion on games if asked. 

    Showers are hella awkward, but for me it was nice to see my loved ones and we all seemed to have a good time!

    A shower is gift central- it's meant to shower the couple in gifts!!! Decline it if you don't want it. Maybe include your mom in other parts of your life, or wedding planning instead!
    Okay, good to know on the registry side of things! I'll start looking into that - I didn't realize that was the point of the shower, haha. I'm glad I asked!

    Without getting into a big thing, I'm trying to include my mom in the other aspects of my life. She seems completely disinterested in anything other than wedding stuff. It's pretty hurtful. In terms of letting her into the planning process, she has tried to redesign my entire wedding into a red, Christmas-themed soiree more than once … We're getting married in January, so Christmas will be over, and I think grey, pale blue, and lilac will be really pretty for a winter wedding. Anyway, she's faded from the planning process as well. I'm in therapy in regards to the relationship, haha.
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  • littlepeplittlepep member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited May 2015
    You only invite your closest friends and family to the shower. If you're having a bridal party, those people should be invited. 

    Showers are gift giving events so if you don't want gifts, you shouldn't have one. Maybe an engagement-type party instead? ETA: FI's mom wanted to host a shower and we decline so she had an engagement event instead. Again, she offered; we didn't ask so don't do that. 

    If you do the shower you will need to register so people will know what to get. 

    Showers are always kind of awkward. I didn't have any weird games at my first one and I don't anticipate that at my second one will because my friends aren't really into shower games. FI's aunt threw me one and they did a little quiz thing where they asked me questions and asked him questions to see how we both responded. (Questions like what's my favorite color, what's our song, etc.) It was pretty cute and funny. That's really the only type of game I enjoy lol. 

    Like Larry said you can't really dictate what your mom does since she's the host, but if she asks your opinion, you can give it. 

    ETF spelling. No caffiene yet. 
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  • kvrunskvruns member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I'd opt for the engagement party type of thing in this situation if something must be thrown. And even then cut that list WAY down! The only game I don't mind is a quiz type of thing because I find it funny how the bride/groom answer things sometimes.  otherwise notsomuch. I didn't have any games at mine and friends thanked me
  • 1) No, it's not normal to invite the entire guest list to a shower. Usually its just a handful of close friends and family + BP and MOB/MOG. Under no circumstances would I go over 40 or so. Because if each guest brings a gift, you need to spend a few minutes opening each one (so you don't look like a toddler ripping apart gifts on Christmas). Think about how long that's going to take...

    2) Yes, you should register for a shower. It's a gift giving event.

    3) Just tell your mom you don't want any games.
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  • It's also not at all tacky to register for a wedding! It's tacky to put the registry info on a wedding invitation, ok to do that for a shower, and fine to have a registry even if you're not having a shower.
  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2015

    Agree with PPs- the point of a shower is to "shower" you with physical gifts so you should register. If you don't want physical gifts, then decline the shower.

    Also, I really think even 40 people is pushing it for the number of people- it really should just be your nearest and dearest or else it looks gift grabby. Plus, opening any more than 20 gifts in my opinion just takes way too long and gets boring.

    Hell, I was at a shower with 15 people present and was bored and antsy by the 5th gift.

    ETA: In terms of the engagement party- how long have you been engaged? The ship may have already sailed on that. Even if it's not too late, this isn't something you should suggest to her as an alternative but should wait for her to bring up and offer herself.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • Agreed with PPs. It's not tacky at all to register (for a wedding or a shower). It's just a suggestion which people are free to either follow or ignore. So don't worry about that.

    And showers don't have to be awkward. People are bringing you gifts because they WANT to, so just be gracious and accept them. If you really think you can't do that, then decline. 

    Lastly yes, definitely cut that list waaaaayyyyyy down. It can be as few people as you want, but shouldn't include people you aren't close with. So maybe it's 5, maybe it's 50... but it's PROBABLY not 100. :) (If it's 100 with couples, maybe consider not making that a couple's shower because that is pretty unbearable to sit through, from a guest's perspective, and a lot to host.)

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  • You all make my life so much easier. I would be in etiquette hell without you.
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  • It's also not at all tacky to register for a wedding! It's tacky to put the registry info on a wedding invitation, ok to do that for a shower, and fine to have a registry even if you're not having a shower.

    Yeah I was confused about this too. OP, wedding registries are not tacky. Advertising your own registry is tacky, and cash registries (i.e. honeyfunds or dreamfunds) are tacky. But actual registries for physical gifts are not tacky as long as you have enough gifts (many recommendations say 2-3 per guest) in a wide variety of price ranges (ours ranges from $5 to $500 with a lot in the $10-50 range).

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  • Agree with everyone on their advice. My MOH offered to throw me a shower and was really excited about it since I threw hers last summer so I had a hard time saying no. Our registry is pretty sad and small since we have been living together for 6 years and own two homes so I started to amp it up with more small things that could use replacing, I just felt strange asking for things I already had. 

    Also side question for everyone responding with registry etiquette on here.. is outdoor stuff considered "home goods" and OK on a registry?

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  • anjemonanjemon member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    Yeah, don't invite the whole guest list to the shower. Even if your Mom wants to host that it'll be logistically difficult. We just did a shower with family and my close friends.

    The only couple's shower I went to we didn't do games of any sort. But if you can influence your Mom to do more of the trivia type games (like the shoe game maybe) that is often more fun than the typical ones.
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  • Agree with everyone on their advice. My MOH offered to throw me a shower and was really excited about it since I threw hers last summer so I had a hard time saying no. Our registry is pretty sad and small since we have been living together for 6 years and own two homes so I started to amp it up with more small things that could use replacing, I just felt strange asking for things I already had. 


    Also side question for everyone responding with registry etiquette on here.. is outdoor stuff considered "home goods" and OK on a registry?
    Outdoor stuff like patio chairs and BBQ tools or like lawn fertilizer and a weed whacker? The former yes, the latter no.

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  • Agree with everyone on their advice. My MOH offered to throw me a shower and was really excited about it since I threw hers last summer so I had a hard time saying no. Our registry is pretty sad and small since we have been living together for 6 years and own two homes so I started to amp it up with more small things that could use replacing, I just felt strange asking for things I already had. 


    Also side question for everyone responding with registry etiquette on here.. is outdoor stuff considered "home goods" and OK on a registry?
    Outdoor stuff like patio chairs and BBQ tools or like lawn fertilizer and a weed whacker? The former yes, the latter no.
    thank you, didn't mean to jump in on the thread but I was stuck on what to register for and there are some things like BBQ tools, patio throw pillows etc that I was debating but wanted to make sure it was on the up and up before I did it!

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  • Agree with everyone on their advice. My MOH offered to throw me a shower and was really excited about it since I threw hers last summer so I had a hard time saying no. Our registry is pretty sad and small since we have been living together for 6 years and own two homes so I started to amp it up with more small things that could use replacing, I just felt strange asking for things I already had. 


    Also side question for everyone responding with registry etiquette on here.. is outdoor stuff considered "home goods" and OK on a registry?
    Outdoor stuff like patio chairs and BBQ tools or like lawn fertilizer and a weed whacker? The former yes, the latter no.



    Just curious why no lawn equipment?  If it's something you need that you'll both use, why not?  (Disclaimer: we have a power washer on ours)

    I originally had some stuff like a sewing machine on mine, but then realized the sewing machine is of no benefit/use to FI so I took it off.  I feel like you can register for just about anything that would benefit you both (ie not clothes, or personal care items).

    Married 9.12.15
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  • Agree with everyone on their advice. My MOH offered to throw me a shower and was really excited about it since I threw hers last summer so I had a hard time saying no. Our registry is pretty sad and small since we have been living together for 6 years and own two homes so I started to amp it up with more small things that could use replacing, I just felt strange asking for things I already had. 


    Also side question for everyone responding with registry etiquette on here.. is outdoor stuff considered "home goods" and OK on a registry?
    I think it depends...grill or patio set? I wouldn't side eye at all..
    A kayak or car things I might question a little bit..
  • Agree with everyone on their advice. My MOH offered to throw me a shower and was really excited about it since I threw hers last summer so I had a hard time saying no. Our registry is pretty sad and small since we have been living together for 6 years and own two homes so I started to amp it up with more small things that could use replacing, I just felt strange asking for things I already had. 


    Also side question for everyone responding with registry etiquette on here.. is outdoor stuff considered "home goods" and OK on a registry?
    Outdoor stuff like patio chairs and BBQ tools or like lawn fertilizer and a weed whacker? The former yes, the latter no.



    Just curious why no lawn equipment?  If it's something you need that you'll both use, why not?  (Disclaimer: we have a power washer on ours)

    I originally had some stuff like a sewing machine on mine, but then realized the sewing machine is of no benefit/use to FI so I took it off.  I feel like you can register for just about anything that would benefit you both (ie not clothes, or personal care items).

    Eh IDK, it might be ok in context. I was trying to think of something else I'd go "huh?" to. 

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  • Agree with everyone on their advice. My MOH offered to throw me a shower and was really excited about it since I threw hers last summer so I had a hard time saying no. Our registry is pretty sad and small since we have been living together for 6 years and own two homes so I started to amp it up with more small things that could use replacing, I just felt strange asking for things I already had. 


    Also side question for everyone responding with registry etiquette on here.. is outdoor stuff considered "home goods" and OK on a registry?
    Outdoor stuff like patio chairs and BBQ tools or like lawn fertilizer and a weed whacker? The former yes, the latter no.



    Just curious why no lawn equipment?  If it's something you need that you'll both use, why not?  (Disclaimer: we have a power washer on ours)

    I originally had some stuff like a sewing machine on mine, but then realized the sewing machine is of no benefit/use to FI so I took it off.  I feel like you can register for just about anything that would benefit you both (ie not clothes, or personal care items).

    Agreed.  No to lawn fertilizer, yes to weed whacker.  Also yes to anything you do together like board games or puzzles, or a bike rack for the car, or a volleyball net for the backyard,  or a tent and sleeping bags; as long as games, puzzles, biking, volleyball, and camping are things you BOTH like to do.

    For the OP, I'd keep the guest list under 30 people.  If that ends up being 15 couples or 10 couples and 10 singles, 15-20 gifts is plenty to open during one shower.  Since you MUST open all gifts received at the shower, just think about how long it will take to properly read the card, unwrap, open, free from tissue paper, oooh and aaah,  thank the gift-giver, then on to the next gift.  If you want to have conversations with your guest ALSO, you may want to keep the guest list smaller.
  • anjemonanjemon member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper

    Agree with everyone on their advice. My MOH offered to throw me a shower and was really excited about it since I threw hers last summer so I had a hard time saying no. Our registry is pretty sad and small since we have been living together for 6 years and own two homes so I started to amp it up with more small things that could use replacing, I just felt strange asking for things I already had. 


    Also side question for everyone responding with registry etiquette on here.. is outdoor stuff considered "home goods" and OK on a registry?
    I think it depends...grill or patio set? I wouldn't side eye at all..
    A kayak or car things I might question a little bit..
    I don't think I would side eye a kayak or car stuff if I thought they would enjoy it together. We put a lot of board games on ours, because it's something we like to do together. So I don't know that I would be against outdoor stuff unless it's new golf clubs for one of you and the other doesn't golf.

    Granted H also put a car organizer on ours, it's for my car but it makes him happy because then my car is less messy.
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  • It's also not at all tacky to register for a wedding! It's tacky to put the registry info on a wedding invitation, ok to do that for a shower, and fine to have a registry even if you're not having a shower.

    Yeah I was confused about this too. OP, wedding registries are not tacky. Advertising your own registry is tacky, and cash registries (i.e. honeyfunds or dreamfunds) are tacky. But actual registries for physical gifts are not tacky as long as you have enough gifts (many recommendations say 2-3 per guest) in a wide variety of price ranges (ours ranges from $5 to $500 with a lot in the $10-50 range).



    HOLY CRAP, I am NOT registering for 400+ things!!  Of course my first shower is in less than a week and I think there are 8 towels and 3 other gifts purchased.  I think I registered for about 70 things, which includes each washcloth, etc.

    I really wanted to register for a chainsaw and maybe some other lawn stuff but I didn't really want to manage a third registry.


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    Daisypath - Personal pictureDaisypath Anniversary tickers

  • Agree with everyone on their advice. My MOH offered to throw me a shower and was really excited about it since I threw hers last summer so I had a hard time saying no. Our registry is pretty sad and small since we have been living together for 6 years and own two homes so I started to amp it up with more small things that could use replacing, I just felt strange asking for things I already had. 


    Also side question for everyone responding with registry etiquette on here.. is outdoor stuff considered "home goods" and OK on a registry?
    Outdoor stuff like patio chairs and BBQ tools or like lawn fertilizer and a weed whacker? The former yes, the latter no.



    Just curious why no lawn equipment?  If it's something you need that you'll both use, why not?  (Disclaimer: we have a power washer on ours)

    I originally had some stuff like a sewing machine on mine, but then realized the sewing machine is of no benefit/use to FI so I took it off.  I feel like you can register for just about anything that would benefit you both (ie not clothes, or personal care items).

    I wouldn't side eye a weed wacker. But I would side eye stuff like lawn fertilizer, grass seed, WD-40 (legit saw this on someone's registry once)..... you get the idea. 

    We had an amazon registry and registered for outdoorsy stuff like a backpacking tent and a camp stove. Those are outdoorsy things, but we both use them more often than I use my kitchenaid, so....
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  • Agree with everyone on their advice. My MOH offered to throw me a shower and was really excited about it since I threw hers last summer so I had a hard time saying no. Our registry is pretty sad and small since we have been living together for 6 years and own two homes so I started to amp it up with more small things that could use replacing, I just felt strange asking for things I already had. 


    Also side question for everyone responding with registry etiquette on here.. is outdoor stuff considered "home goods" and OK on a registry?
    Outdoor stuff like patio chairs and BBQ tools or like lawn fertilizer and a weed whacker? The former yes, the latter no.



    Just curious why no lawn equipment?  If it's something you need that you'll both use, why not?  (Disclaimer: we have a power washer on ours)

    I originally had some stuff like a sewing machine on mine, but then realized the sewing machine is of no benefit/use to FI so I took it off.  I feel like you can register for just about anything that would benefit you both (ie not clothes, or personal care items).

    I wouldn't side eye a weed wacker. But I would side eye stuff like lawn fertilizer, grass seed, WD-40 (legit saw this on someone's registry once)..... you get the idea. 

    We had an amazon registry and registered for outdoorsy stuff like a backpacking tent and a camp stove. Those are outdoorsy things, but we both use them more often than I use my kitchenaid, so....
    I feel like anything one time use would be weird to see.. that's like registering for flour and sugar.

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  • FiancBFiancB member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Yeah, definitely not the whole guest list. For me, most of my friends and family live on the other side of the country. H had a coworker that was getting married a month before us and another coworker's wife wanted to throw a shower, so we had a joint one. It was mostly other coworkers, and the other girl had her mom, and I had MIL. About a dozen people total. So in my case it wasn't really people I was super close to, but not every single person we could think of like my wedding was. 
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  • Agree with everyone on their advice. My MOH offered to throw me a shower and was really excited about it since I threw hers last summer so I had a hard time saying no. Our registry is pretty sad and small since we have been living together for 6 years and own two homes so I started to amp it up with more small things that could use replacing, I just felt strange asking for things I already had. 


    Also side question for everyone responding with registry etiquette on here.. is outdoor stuff considered "home goods" and OK on a registry?
    Outdoor stuff like patio chairs and BBQ tools or like lawn fertilizer and a weed whacker? The former yes, the latter no.



    Just curious why no lawn equipment?  If it's something you need that you'll both use, why not?  (Disclaimer: we have a power washer on ours)

    I originally had some stuff like a sewing machine on mine, but then realized the sewing machine is of no benefit/use to FI so I took it off.  I feel like you can register for just about anything that would benefit you both (ie not clothes, or personal care items).

    I wouldn't side eye a weed wacker. But I would side eye stuff like lawn fertilizer, grass seed, WD-40 (legit saw this on someone's registry once)..... you get the idea. 

    We had an amazon registry and registered for outdoorsy stuff like a backpacking tent and a camp stove. Those are outdoorsy things, but we both use them more often than I use my kitchenaid, so....
    I feel like anything one time use would be weird to see.. that's like registering for flour and sugar.
    There was a girl here a couple years who registered for cat litter. You can't make that kind of stuff up.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • Agree with everyone on their advice. My MOH offered to throw me a shower and was really excited about it since I threw hers last summer so I had a hard time saying no. Our registry is pretty sad and small since we have been living together for 6 years and own two homes so I started to amp it up with more small things that could use replacing, I just felt strange asking for things I already had. 


    Also side question for everyone responding with registry etiquette on here.. is outdoor stuff considered "home goods" and OK on a registry?
    Outdoor stuff like patio chairs and BBQ tools or like lawn fertilizer and a weed whacker? The former yes, the latter no.



    Just curious why no lawn equipment?  If it's something you need that you'll both use, why not?  (Disclaimer: we have a power washer on ours)

    I originally had some stuff like a sewing machine on mine, but then realized the sewing machine is of no benefit/use to FI so I took it off.  I feel like you can register for just about anything that would benefit you both (ie not clothes, or personal care items).

    I wouldn't side eye a weed wacker. But I would side eye stuff like lawn fertilizer, grass seed, WD-40 (legit saw this on someone's registry once)..... you get the idea. 

    We had an amazon registry and registered for outdoorsy stuff like a backpacking tent and a camp stove. Those are outdoorsy things, but we both use them more often than I use my kitchenaid, so....
    I feel like anything one time use would be weird to see.. that's like registering for flour and sugar.
    There was a girl here a couple years who registered for cat litter. You can't make that kind of stuff up.
    WHAT!? How do you even think that's a good idea!? Guess I better amp up my registry to include shit tickets and dog food!

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  • luckya23 said:

    It's also not at all tacky to register for a wedding! It's tacky to put the registry info on a wedding invitation, ok to do that for a shower, and fine to have a registry even if you're not having a shower.

    Yeah I was confused about this too. OP, wedding registries are not tacky. Advertising your own registry is tacky, and cash registries (i.e. honeyfunds or dreamfunds) are tacky. But actual registries for physical gifts are not tacky as long as you have enough gifts (many recommendations say 2-3 per guest) in a wide variety of price ranges (ours ranges from $5 to $500 with a lot in the $10-50 range).



    HOLY CRAP, I am NOT registering for 400+ things!!  Of course my first shower is in less than a week and I think there are 8 towels and 3 other gifts purchased.  I think I registered for about 70 things, which includes each washcloth, etc.

    I really wanted to register for a chainsaw and maybe some other lawn stuff but I didn't really want to manage a third registry.



    Yeah, I saw 2 per guest in a wedding book that I have at home and then our Macy's lady told us 2-3. We registered for about 350 items. But like you mentioned, each washcloth is listed as a separate item, our 12 water goblets are separate, etc. So that makes up a lot of those. We're inviting 240 people to the wedding (about 140 families/couples). I already had one shower with 30 guests, and another one coming up that I didn't make the guest list for but I suspect it's around 20.

    I think there are a couple of reasons for this. First, some people will only give one gift for shower and wedding, but some will give two (shower and wedding separately), and some will give more than one item as a single gift (my mom and FMIL bought me multiple gifts for both showers, plus they're both buying us wedding gifts, and one of my aunts bought like 8 of our kitchen utensils that were separate items). Second, it gives your guests more options as far as price variety. If you have a lot in each price range, it's a little bit easier for guests to find something in their price range and there's slightly less of a risk that particular price ranges will completely sell out.

    It worked for us to register for that much stuff because we've both lived in dorms or tiny apartments since we moved out of our parents houses, and we both used our parents hand-me-down stuff/things we got at yard sales that were already super old/things we got at Walmart super cheap that were just never intended to last 5+ years. But obviously don't register for stuff just to increase the number - only register for things you actually like, want, and will use. 

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  • Agree with everyone on their advice. My MOH offered to throw me a shower and was really excited about it since I threw hers last summer so I had a hard time saying no. Our registry is pretty sad and small since we have been living together for 6 years and own two homes so I started to amp it up with more small things that could use replacing, I just felt strange asking for things I already had. 


    Also side question for everyone responding with registry etiquette on here.. is outdoor stuff considered "home goods" and OK on a registry?

    Like PPs have said, stuff like seeds and fertilizer would be weird, but we registered for grill tools (DF loves to grill, and I love to eat), lawn games (cornhole, ladder golf, etc.), etc. I don't side-eye that stuff at all.

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