Edit - Answered.

Schrammalot2989 · May 2015

Blah blah blah, everything settled, move along.

Cat tax.

whovianstark · May 2015

First of all, congrats on a WDW wedding. That's where I am honeymooning! I bet your wedding will be amazing. As long as you have not given them any guidelines on what to wear they should be paying for their clothes

kvruns · May 2015

You have to decide if them being there is worth the cost to you or not. No one says you have to pay for hem to be there but if it's the only way to get them to attend then it is the choice you guys have to make for having a DW. Maybe they can't afford it, maybe they just don't want to spend their extra money on WDW or maybe they know you will end up paying for it who knows.

As for attire, let them wear what they have and want. You can't tell FI parents what to wear to the wedding, they are adults. No one has to wear a new outfit and you don't need to buy them anything. If they show up in cut offs or something "unglamorous" so be it. And buying them new wedding bands? Uh what?

Schrammalot2989 said:
We're having a bit of an issue here.

We are having a destination wedding (WDW) and we have told our families about this for about 2 years now. We have been telling his side of the family to start saving money for the trip. We did not expect them to pay for any part of it (my parents are paying, we are going to help with some extras that we want).

Now that we are getting under a year from the date, we're realizing that they haven't saved a penny. We are going to end up paying for a hotel for them (we need to get a 4 night stay somewhere anyway... we can't book our room using the vacation club until 7 months out) so they'll use our "throw away" room at the lowest cost resort (... still $500). We will most likely have to pay for airfare for them to come down.

Now... after paying nearly $1,000 for both of them to come down to the wedding, they will expect us to pay for their attire. At his brother's wedding, each of them had everything covered, including new wedding bands. I don't need them to be glammed up, but a nice dress and slacks with a dress shirt from Kohls is really all I'm looking for.

Is it out of line for me to ask them to pay for their own attire? Like I said, they have had 2 years notice.

Schrammalot2989 · May 2015

whovianstark said:
First of all, congrats on a WDW wedding. That's where I am honeymooning! I bet your wedding will be amazing. As long as you have not given them any guidelines on what to wear they should be paying for their clothes

Thank you!

We're both Disney addicts so it's the perfect place.

The only thing I have told people (and people = everyone coming) is that black isn't a good idea due to Florida and the sun during the middle of the day.

Schrammalot2989 · May 2015

My FI's brother's in-laws paid for EVERYTHING for them at his wedding in October. Hence, new wedding bands.

We would like them at the wedding, trust me. If I'm paying almost $1,000 a head at a small wedding, then I expect them to look presentable. It would be a little bit crude for his brother's photos to have his father in a tux and sweatpants in the older sibling's.

We chose to have a DW so I would not be forced to invite every. single. relative. on my mother's side. We are a large, Italian family. His family... not so large. It's more for him to not feel awkward. I don't know... maybe I'm old fashioned in expecting "no sneakers" at a wedding.

whovianstark · May 2015

Schrammalot2989 said:
My FI's brother's in-laws paid for EVERYTHING for them at his wedding in October. Hence, new wedding bands.

We would like them at the wedding, trust me. If I'm paying almost $1,000 a head at a small wedding, then I expect them to look presentable. It would be a little bit crude for his brother's photos to have his father in a tux and sweatpants in the older sibling's.

We chose to have a DW so I would not be forced to invite every. single. relative. on my mother's side. We are a large, Italian family. His family... not so large. It's more for him to not feel awkward. I don't know... maybe I'm old fashioned in expecting "no sneakers" at a wedding.

Did his brother in law pay to rent a tux or??? I have a hard time believing they don't have a pair of slacks. You can pick up a decent pair at Goodwill.... That is crazy that he bought his in laws new wedding bands.

Schrammalot2989 · May 2015

whovianstark said:

Schrammalot2989 said:
My FI's brother's in-laws paid for EVERYTHING for them at his wedding in October. Hence, new wedding bands.

We would like them at the wedding, trust me. If I'm paying almost $1,000 a head at a small wedding, then I expect them to look presentable. It would be a little bit crude for his brother's photos to have his father in a tux and sweatpants in the older sibling's.

We chose to have a DW so I would not be forced to invite every. single. relative. on my mother's side. We are a large, Italian family. His family... not so large. It's more for him to not feel awkward. I don't know... maybe I'm old fashioned in expecting "no sneakers" at a wedding.
Did his brother in law pay to rent a tux or??? I have a hard time believing they don't have a pair of slacks. You can pick up a decent pair at Goodwill.... That is crazy that he bought his in laws new wedding bands.

Her parents paid for his (my finances) parents to get everything brand new (and rent the tux). He's a construction worker, so his "nice" clothes are sweatpants without holes in them. I think they expect even more from us because we have been planning our wedding longer then they've been together. :X

whovianstark · May 2015

Schrammalot2989 said:
My FI's brother's in-laws paid for EVERYTHING for them at his wedding in October. Hence, new wedding bands.

We would like them at the wedding, trust me. If I'm paying almost $1,000 a head at a small wedding, then I expect them to look presentable. It would be a little bit crude for his brother's photos to have his father in a tux and sweatpants in the older sibling's.

We chose to have a DW so I would not be forced to invite every. single. relative. on my mother's side. We are a large, Italian family. His family... not so large. It's more for him to not feel awkward. I don't know... maybe I'm old fashioned in expecting "no sneakers" at a wedding.

I just reread that. The in-laws bought them all that?! That is crazy to me. I would feel uncomfortable having someone buy me new wedding bands

Schrammalot2989 · May 2015

I would feel so awkward, too. Yeah, the in-laws got them everything. We've been begging them to save something... that obviously didn't work.

monkeysip · May 2015

Yeah I really don't get the new wedding bands thing. Why would they want/need new wedding bands? Did your brother insist everyone have shiny new bands, lol?

And like PPs said, don't require any particular kinds of clothes, and don't pay for their clothes. That's it.

Schrammalot2989 · May 2015

I think they just wanted it in the photos so they didn't stick out like a sore thumb... who knows.

I just don't want my fiancé to be embarrassed because my family will all be dressed nicely.

whovianstark · May 2015

Schrammalot2989 said:

whovianstark said:

Schrammalot2989 said:
My FI's brother's in-laws paid for EVERYTHING for them at his wedding in October. Hence, new wedding bands.

We would like them at the wedding, trust me. If I'm paying almost $1,000 a head at a small wedding, then I expect them to look presentable. It would be a little bit crude for his brother's photos to have his father in a tux and sweatpants in the older sibling's.

We chose to have a DW so I would not be forced to invite every. single. relative. on my mother's side. We are a large, Italian family. His family... not so large. It's more for him to not feel awkward. I don't know... maybe I'm old fashioned in expecting "no sneakers" at a wedding.
Did his brother in law pay to rent a tux or??? I have a hard time believing they don't have a pair of slacks. You can pick up a decent pair at Goodwill.... That is crazy that he bought his in laws new wedding bands.
Her parents paid for his (my finances) parents to get everything brand new (and rent the tux). He's a construction worker, so his "nice" clothes are sweatpants without holes in them. I think they expect even more from us because we have been planning our wedding longer then they've been together. :X

Oh darn. I was hoping they bought him a tux so he could just wear it again. This is tough because if you give them any directions I think they will expect you to pay. But I really don't think it is much to ask them to pick up a pair of slacks from Goodwill. Especially when they are getting an entire trip paid for. But I can't really think of an etiquette approved way to do that.

Schrammalot2989 · May 2015

Kohls is a godsend. I get my fiance new work slacks there almost every week for about $15-$20.

I might have to have my fiance go and talk to them and maybe even drive them there to help them pick out what's appropriate (for a big, burly, bald man, he has some fantastic fashion sense).

lyndausvi · May 2015

A leopard doesn't change it's spots. I feel like your expectations are unrealistic.

I'm a natural saver. However, if someone told me 2 years in advance that I have to start saving for their event I would tell them to fuck off. I don't even have to attend, let alone allocate my savings to their event. I also am one who does not does not discuss my saving or lack there of, to family. None of their business.

You and it seems like the other in-laws want the in-laws to be someone they are not. So what if they wear sneakers or didn't wear a tux? Does it really matter?

I have 3 siblings. All 3 of their weddings were in Catholic churches. Everyone were in long gowns and tuxes. My wedding was on the beach. DH did not wear any type of jacket or tie. Trust me when I say the family portraits of our wedding look just as nice on my parent's wall as my siblings all in tuxes. Even if your side is more dresses up, I'm sure your family portrait would still look nice.

Bottom line is no matter how much wish want, you can NOT change they way others handle their money or how they dress. It's never going to happen. If having them dressed up is so important to you then pay for it yourself. If having there is important, then pay for them.

Own your choice and quit bitching how you have to pay. It's your own expectations which is causing you to have extra costs. If you just realized they are who they are then you might be able to let it go.

Trust me, I know. I have a brother who never has money to travel. I do not know their finances well enough to know why. All I know is if we want them to come to us, we have to pay. I wanted my brother and his family at my wedding. I also wanted his kids in my wedding. That meant we (well my dad in this case) had to pay for them to fly out. It's just the way it is. We owned it, accepted it and moved on. We never dwelled on why my brother can't pay. I just knew having them there and his kids in my wedding were important to ME and that meant we had to pay to make it happened.

Schrammalot2989 · May 2015

And there's my first nasty response. Surprised it took that long!

Schrammalot2989 · May 2015

So basically I'll just let them go hog wild with a stack of Kohls Cash on our dime. Gotcha.

debbeau · May 2015

I feel for you. We were expected to fly my future in laws and 25 year old fsil from Europe. We paid for hotel rooms for 6 days and meals. It was really important to us to have them here so we bit the bullet. I do not regret it.

I am sure you want them there but do not want to feel taken advantage of. You are not sure if they really want to come or not if they don't make any effort.

Good luck.

monkeysip · May 2015

Schrammalot2989 said:
So basically I'll just let them go hog wild with a stack of Kohls Cash on our dime. Gotcha.

No one said ANYTHING has to be on your dime. Just let them wear what they want. If they wear ridiculous clothes, that's on THEM. But since these are your fiancé's parents, I'm assuming its much more important to him that they just be there.

My mother couldn't come to my wedding because of her disabilities. If she'd been able to come, I wouldn't have cared if she came wearing a trash bag.

AddieCake · May 2015

I would be livid if I were them and you told me to start saving for your wedding. I'll decide what and when I save for, thank you. And you don't need to pay for anything for them. If they can't afford this, they can't afford it. Not your responsibility to pay for them.

justsie · May 2015

Why did you DD OP? It's considered rude and you've been quoted, so people can still see what was posted.

Schrammalot2989 · May 2015

Because this was my first post before reading ANYTHING on these forums. I should have read before seeing how hostile some responses can be.

I was looking for a way to tell them it's not in budget, and Scribe had answered that.

madamerwin · May 2015

Schrammalot2989 said:
And there's my first nasty response. Surprised it took that long!

lyndausvi is actually giving you pretty realistic advice - you can either pay for them to travel (as you are planning), or accept that they may not be able to come.

It's great you gave your family 2 years' notice that you were having a DW, but they are not obligated to start saving. Hell, they aren't obligated to attend. That's just something you have to accept with a DW. It's a cost not everyone can (or wants to) afford.

That said, if you truly want your family there, it sounds like you may have to chip in on costs. But I don't think you need to be paying for their attire - grown ups should be able to find an appropriate pair of pants on their own.

Also, deleting your OP (or replacing the content) just serves to draw more attention to your post. You were quoted in the thread, so it's not like people can't still see what you asked.

Edited because words are hard

lyndausvi · May 2015

Schrammalot2989 said:

Schrammalot2989 said:
And there's my first nasty response. Surprised it took that long!

yeah, no.

It completely inappropriate to tell people they have to save for anything, let alone a DW. Yeah, even if it's your parents. It's even more inappropriate to check-up on how their savings is going. It's rude. You simply say "our wedding is going to be 'x' date at 'y' location. Then hope for the best.

It's again inappropriate to tell people how to dress.

These are your own wants and expectations. If you want them there and dressed a certain way, then you pay for it. Pretty simple actually.

TrixieJess · May 2015

That is quite the bat signal!

I only came for the DD. The PPs gave good advice which you will ignore.

whovianstark · May 2015

TrixieJess said:
That is quite the bat signal!

I only came for the DD. The PPs gave good advice which you will ignore.

I'd argue that it is a cat signal.

huskypuppy14 · May 2015

Schrammalot2989 said:
Because this was my first post before reading ANYTHING on these forums. I should have read before seeing how hostile some responses can be.

I was looking for a way to tell them it's not in budget, and Scribe had answered that.

Dude, no one was hostile. Seriously, I'm surprised the responses were this nice. Lynda is completely correct in her advice. Just because you don't like it, doesn't make it hostile.

falsara · May 2015

OP, Everyone was nice. If you thought Lynda's advice was rude then you don't belong on the internet.

CMGragain · May 2015

Maybe no one was hostile before, but after that insulting DD, I am feeling hostile NOW!

allispain · May 2015

OP (if you are still actually reading these responses) - maybe give your FI's family the benefit of the doubt. DH's family is very informal - his mom and stepdad have shown up for HS and college graduations in ripped jeans and t-shirts. He was a bit concerned about what they would wear to our wedding. I told him to not worry about it - as long as they came and enjoyed themselves, everything would be fine.

They came to our wedding looking amazing. MIL wore a beautiful dress she had found on sale and SFIL wore a very dashing suit.

hellosweetie1015 · May 2015

JoanE2012 · May 2015

Schrammalot2989 said:
And there's my first nasty response. Surprised it took that long!

OP, you realize you were quoted and changing the subject and DD draws in more people, right??

That said, you're basically you're saying you know what you're doing is rude and you were expecting nasty responses?

Newsflash though - No one was nasty to you. If you think they were, I recommend you stay away from internet forums. And stop dictating what people wear to your wedding or checking up on their savings.....it's rude!

Edit - Answered.

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