Graduation etiquette.....what would you do?

kaos16 · May 2015

My cousin graduates from college in two weeks (yay!) It is also my birthday that day (double yay). The graduation is about 3-3.5 hours from where we live. Cousin and her family live 5 minutes from us. We were all invited about 2 months ago (all being myself, my sisters, niece, nephews, and parents). When invited we were told that the graduation was at 11 and then they were planning a little lunch celebration at a nearby park. Ok, great. . . . we all said we'd go. Apparently my aunt, cousin's mom texted my mom last night to update her on the plans. The graduation is now at 10:30. She is going early with someone from her husband's side of the family to try to save enough seats for everyone. The graduation is estimated to be 3 hours long (!!). The new plan for after is to have a deli catered lunch at cousin's on campus apartment with her roommates and all of their family members as well. I would say there are easily 10-15 invited just with my cousin, so I don't know a total number of people. My aunt said she needed to know how many of us would stay for lunch so she can place an order, and the cost is per person, not per family (which makes me think we are supposed to pay for our own lunch).

additional info-

this is Memorial Day weekend, which could make travel extra hairy

I have awful back issues and one of my sisters is pregnant, so if they run out of seats, it will be quite difficult, if not impossible, for either of us to stand for 3 hours.

An aunt from out of state is planning to come with her son, who cousin sees much less often than us

What would you do?

1. Drive up for the graduation, hope there is a seat, and then cram into the apartment for the lunch, paying for your ration of sandwich/wrap before driving home

2. Drive up for the graduation then drive home

3. Politely decline based on the change of circumstances and make plans to take cousin out for lunch/drinks/whatever in the next week or two to celebrate.

4. Something else

banana468 · May 2015

Definitely #3. College graduations are hectic and I'm surprised that there are unlimited tickets available. I've yet to attend one where you can just show up without one.

And while the graduation itself is a big deal, it's something to celebrate after the fact.

lovegood90 · May 2015

I would politely decline and just send a congratulations card, but that's just because I personally wouldn't drive 3 hours for someone's graduation unless it was an immediate family member (and even then, I never made it to my sister's graduation- no big deal, other family made it).

This depends on your personal preference and your relationship with these people- are you close enough with your cousin that you actually really want to see her graduate?

It also doesn't really sound like they're going to properly host you after so if you really want to go through the hassle of driving there I wouldn't stay. But again, this is just my opinion.

ETA: I also would be super pissed off if I drove 3 hours only to find out there was no guaranteed seat for me (and the ceremony is 3 hours?!). Unless they can guarantee reserved seats for everyone, I would decline (well, I would decline anyway based on my above reasoning too).

kaos16 · May 2015

I'm just trying to remember my graduation. . . college they split up into majors, so each ceremony was maybe 45 minutes. . . I skipped the big group one with all zillion students. Then my parents took everyone who came out to lunch at a nearby restaurant.

For law school, a very small group came, and then my parents treated everyone to lunch. We had a bigger celebration party at home a week later.

I love my cousin dearly, but frankly it seems like a lot of traveling and standing around to maybe give her a hug and see her for a minute or two as she is running around trying to talk to everyone!

redoryx · May 2015

yeah, I'd probably decline and celebrate later.

My own graduation, well, I was hung over since my program had the early morning slot, yay us. They split it by college and somebody had to go at 9am or whatever stupid time it was. I have no idea how long it lasted, though 3 hours does seem excessive. I know I had some out of town folks there but they all needed tickets in advance. We did go out to lunch with some extended family who lived in the area, but I can't remember if they actually attended the ceremony or just met up with us after.

thisismynickname2 · May 2015

Number 3.

I've seen various advice columnists comment on this before. While graduation is a very big deal, it's a group celebration. Three hour ceremony for 30 seconds of seeing your loved one cross a stage? Not desirable for a lot of people. Given the extra circumstances now with distance and a "ration" of food (lol), I'd decline.

aliwis000 · May 2015

I think you are fine doing pretty much any of the options you have listed. Graciously do what works for you and your family.

As for your question of what would I do...

It honestly depends on who is graduating and how close I am to them. There are lots of people I would pass on in this situation and send a nice card and probably a check. However, there are other people I would camp out in front of the stadium the night before for because come hell or high water I am seeing them cross that stage.

bizzy592 · May 2015

7 hours minimum in a car for a 3 hour graduation, with a back back? Number 3.

[Deleted User] · May 2015

I didn't even want to go to my own college graduation ceremony. There's no way I would drive six hours in one day to sit through three hours of reading off names. Nope. I choose option 3.

kaos16 · May 2015

bizzy592 said:
7 hours minimum in a car for a 3 hour graduation, with a back back? Number 3.

I wasn't trying to make it selfishly about me. . . but I will say, when I drove 2 hours each way in a day for my nephew's birthday party last month I could hardly walk the next day!

bethsmiles · May 2015

I hate going to graduations. They are almost always awful. I'd go with option 3!

randomslove · May 2015

It really depends on how close y'all are. I wouldn't do this for a cousin, since I'm not close to any of my cousins. However, I would do it for my little sister or best friend in heartbeat.

MyNameIsNot · May 2015

I would go with option #3.

I went to all of my own graduations, and those of my siblings. They were all three hour events, and they all had limited tickets given to each student. For my undergrad, I got 4 spots. Maybe that's limited to large universities, but I certainly wouldn't expect to be able to get a seat if you don't have some sort of reservation going in.

I would send a card, possibly a gift, and celebrate with her when she's back home.

whovianstark · May 2015

My college graduation was so boring. I wish I hadn't gone haha. My grad school graduation my grandparents couldn't make it and it didn't bother me at all. I knew they were proud of me, they didn't need to travel several hours and sit through a boring ceremony to prove it.

kaos16 · May 2015

scribe95 said:
Look, I get it doesn't sound the best. But I also don't really see that much changed from when you initially said yes. Still the same hours in the car; lunch etc. I generally try to stick to the commitments I made.

Not much has changed I guess. . . .just potential lack of seats, proper hosting, and length of graduation.

lovegood90 · May 2015

kaos16 said:

scribe95 said:
Look, I get it doesn't sound the best. But I also don't really see that much changed from when you initially said yes. Still the same hours in the car; lunch etc. I generally try to stick to the commitments I made.

Yeah, but what "commitment" is it really? They may not have seats for them at the ceremony because it's not like they can reserve them in advance- the aunt is just going to go early and hope for the best. And it doesn't sound like they plan on properly hosting anyone after so...what "commitment" is this really? They're not losing out financially or logistically if she declines, really now...

PrettyGirlLost · May 2015

adk19 said:
I didn't even want to go to my own college graduation ceremony. There's no way I would drive six hours in one day to sit through three hours of reading off names. Nope. I choose option 3.

This.

Anyone who can't understand how tedious, gratuitous, and boring these huge undergrad grad ceremonies are is not dealing in reality. The act of graduating itself is the accomplishment, and you don't need to be present at the ceremony to celebrate that accomplishment with your cousin.

LondonLisa · May 2015

Also, how big is this cousin's flat? I am just thinking of my student digs, and it could hardly fit 10-15 people PLUS roommates and their friends....

I would definitely #3- Use the money you would have spend on car fuel and get this cousin an amazing graduation gift- or just give them the cash!

My aunt came to my uni graduation. But because she had to leave early, and the madness of finding your family afterwards, I didn't even see her. Frankly, she could have told me afterwards that my extended family and the Loch Ness monster were there and I would have no evidence to the contrary as I only saw my parents and siblings afterwards.

redoryx · May 2015

scribe95 said:
I'm just thinking of the cousin who will likely be disappointed. The commitment was to that person.
I think there are some assumptions being made here - especially on the food. She is assuming they aren't paying.

So take the food out of it. OP was originally told 11 and it sounded like there would be guaranteed seats. Now she's told 10:30 and maybe seats.

I'd be super pissed if I got up that early in the morning to drive 3 hours only to not have a seat and then to have to entertain myself for another 3 hours while the graduation was going on.

lovegood90 · May 2015

scribe95 said:
Okay, a half hour difference starting is not a big thing. Also I'm not clear if it means no seats at all or not everyone together etc. I certainly wouldn't stand for three hours. the seating would likely be the dealbreaker to me.

It just sounds to me in general like OP doesn't want to go and it is picking it apart now.

Who can blame her? I certainly wouldn't want to go. Driving 7 hours with no hosting plan or seats confirmed, when there will already be a ton of family there? There's nothing to really pick apart...it sounds like a huge hassle and not worth it pretty much up front.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2015

redoryx said:

scribe95 said:
I'm just thinking of the cousin who will likely be disappointed. The commitment was to that person.
I think there are some assumptions being made here - especially on the food. She is assuming they aren't paying.

So take the food out of it. OP was originally told 11 and it sounded like there would be guaranteed seats. Now she's told 10:30 and maybe seats.
I'd be super pissed if I got up that early in the morning to drive 3 hours only to not have a seat and then to have to entertain myself for another 3 hours while the graduation was going on.

Yeah, if the college/university is large enough to have a 3hr undergrad graduation ceremony, then chances are that each student will be limited to 2-3 seats each and that's it.

My graduating class was small- went to a small, private liberal arts school- and we still had a limit on how many family could attend.

kaos16 · May 2015

scribe95 said:
Okay, a half hour difference starting is not a big thing. Also I'm not clear if it means no seats at all or not everyone together etc. I certainly wouldn't stand for three hours. the seating would likely be the dealbreaker to me.

It just sounds to me in general like OP doesn't want to go and it is picking it apart now.

Actually, I would love to be there to support her, but i'm not sure if it is worth it based on all of the factors I just explained

bethsmiles · May 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

redoryx said:

scribe95 said:
I'm just thinking of the cousin who will likely be disappointed. The commitment was to that person.
I think there are some assumptions being made here - especially on the food. She is assuming they aren't paying.

So take the food out of it. OP was originally told 11 and it sounded like there would be guaranteed seats. Now she's told 10:30 and maybe seats.
I'd be super pissed if I got up that early in the morning to drive 3 hours only to not have a seat and then to have to entertain myself for another 3 hours while the graduation was going on.
Yeah, if the college/university is large enough to have a 3hr undergrad graduation ceremony, then chances are that each student will be limited to 2-3 seats each and that's it.

My graduating class was small- went to a small, private liberal arts school- and we still had a limit on how many family could attend.

My undergrad graduation was at least 3 hours (god, it felt like forever) and we could have as many people as we wanted there. There were no tickets or limited seating.SO's graduation was the same. And so was his brother's. I've never heard of that for a college graduation, only for high school.

Cookie Pusher · May 2015

bethsmiles said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

redoryx said:

scribe95 said:
I'm just thinking of the cousin who will likely be disappointed. The commitment was to that person.
I think there are some assumptions being made here - especially on the food. She is assuming they aren't paying.

So take the food out of it. OP was originally told 11 and it sounded like there would be guaranteed seats. Now she's told 10:30 and maybe seats.
I'd be super pissed if I got up that early in the morning to drive 3 hours only to not have a seat and then to have to entertain myself for another 3 hours while the graduation was going on.
Yeah, if the college/university is large enough to have a 3hr undergrad graduation ceremony, then chances are that each student will be limited to 2-3 seats each and that's it.

My graduating class was small- went to a small, private liberal arts school- and we still had a limit on how many family could attend.
My undergrad graduation was at least 3 hours (god, it felt like forever) and we could have as many people as we wanted there. There were no tickets or limited seating.SO's graduation was the same. And so was his brother's. I've never heard of that for a college graduation, only for high school.

Yea, my undergrad graduation was at least 5 hours long, and the only reason they issued tickets was in case they had to move the ceremony indoors. As long as it was outdoors, anyone and everyone was allowed. Whether you got a seat or not was another story.

bethsmiles · May 2015

Cookie Pusher said:

bethsmiles said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

redoryx said:

scribe95 said:
I'm just thinking of the cousin who will likely be disappointed. The commitment was to that person.
I think there are some assumptions being made here - especially on the food. She is assuming they aren't paying.

So take the food out of it. OP was originally told 11 and it sounded like there would be guaranteed seats. Now she's told 10:30 and maybe seats.
I'd be super pissed if I got up that early in the morning to drive 3 hours only to not have a seat and then to have to entertain myself for another 3 hours while the graduation was going on.
Yeah, if the college/university is large enough to have a 3hr undergrad graduation ceremony, then chances are that each student will be limited to 2-3 seats each and that's it.

My graduating class was small- went to a small, private liberal arts school- and we still had a limit on how many family could attend.
My undergrad graduation was at least 3 hours (god, it felt like forever) and we could have as many people as we wanted there. There were no tickets or limited seating.SO's graduation was the same. And so was his brother's. I've never heard of that for a college graduation, only for high school.
Yea, my undergrad graduation was at least 5 hours long, and the only reason they issued tickets was in case they had to move the ceremony indoors. As long as it was outdoors, anyone and everyone was allowed. Whether you got a seat or not was another story.

Mine actually was indoors. The place we had it was massive.

banana468 · May 2015

bethsmiles said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

redoryx said:

scribe95 said:
I'm just thinking of the cousin who will likely be disappointed. The commitment was to that person.
I think there are some assumptions being made here - especially on the food. She is assuming they aren't paying.

So take the food out of it. OP was originally told 11 and it sounded like there would be guaranteed seats. Now she's told 10:30 and maybe seats.
I'd be super pissed if I got up that early in the morning to drive 3 hours only to not have a seat and then to have to entertain myself for another 3 hours while the graduation was going on.
Yeah, if the college/university is large enough to have a 3hr undergrad graduation ceremony, then chances are that each student will be limited to 2-3 seats each and that's it.

My graduating class was small- went to a small, private liberal arts school- and we still had a limit on how many family could attend.
My undergrad graduation was at least 3 hours (god, it felt like forever) and we could have as many people as we wanted there. There were no tickets or limited seating.SO's graduation was the same. And so was his brother's. I've never heard of that for a college graduation, only for high school.

My undergrad was a few hours, they didn't even call my name and we had limited tickets. Granted, you could probably get in somewhere and stand but I went to a college with a Div. 1 basketball team and our graduations were held in the same location as the games so upwards of 10,000 people. I think it all depends on the size of the class vs. the location of the event.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2015

bethsmiles said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

redoryx said:

scribe95 said:
I'm just thinking of the cousin who will likely be disappointed. The commitment was to that person.
I think there are some assumptions being made here - especially on the food. She is assuming they aren't paying.

So take the food out of it. OP was originally told 11 and it sounded like there would be guaranteed seats. Now she's told 10:30 and maybe seats.
I'd be super pissed if I got up that early in the morning to drive 3 hours only to not have a seat and then to have to entertain myself for another 3 hours while the graduation was going on.
Yeah, if the college/university is large enough to have a 3hr undergrad graduation ceremony, then chances are that each student will be limited to 2-3 seats each and that's it.

My graduating class was small- went to a small, private liberal arts school- and we still had a limit on how many family could attend.
My undergrad graduation was at least 3 hours (god, it felt like forever) and we could have as many people as we wanted there. There were no tickets or limited seating.SO's graduation was the same. And so was his brother's. I've never heard of that for a college graduation, only for high school.

Many universities and even some of the smaller colleges limit the number of family seats per student, and in my experience with friends and family, it seems like it's more common with the larger universities.

It sounds like OP's cousin's institution has limited seating per student.

ohannabelle · May 2015

I wouldn't do this with a bad back. I'd send a card and gift.

annathy03 · May 2015

I wouldn't go without a guaranteed seat.

My university was tickets as well for the graduation which was held in the basketball arena indoors. They did set up cameras and sent the feed to the screens in the football stadium for overflow/non-ticketed attendees which was a good idea, but I wouldn't expect anyone to travel to see it on a TV.

redoryx · May 2015

scribe95 said:Okay, a half hour difference starting is not a big thing. Also I'm not clear if it means no seats at all or not everyone together etc. I certainly wouldn't stand for three hours. the seating would likely be the dealbreaker to me.
It just sounds to me in general like OP doesn't want to go and it is picking it apart now.**boxes boxes**

In theory, sure, it's only 30 minutes. But when it means having to leave at 7:30 am instead of 8, I beg to differ that it's not a big thing. Especially since they will actually have to leave even earlier than that: For a 10:30 am ceremony that is 3 to 3 1/2 hours away and you'll want to give yourself plenty of time to get there and park and find family so give yourself 3 1/2 hours to get there and extra 30 min for everything else. So now we're looking at 4 hours minimum, if you're like me who is anal about time and events. That means 6:30 am and that's when you leave the house. So now we're looking at waking up at about 5:30 am depending on your morning routine.

Then you have to factor in food, knowing you won't be getting to eat until after 1:30 pm. Do you try and eat something at 5:30 am while getting ready? Do you build a stop in along the way, in which case you have to factor that time in as well to your travel plans which may mean waking up/leaving earlier.

I'll send a card, call/text the day of, and buy a drink for the graduate next time I see them. Sorry not sorry.

huskypuppy14 · May 2015

My college graduation was like 4 hours long. It's a small liberal arts school where they do all the grad students and undergrad. It took forever, and it was so hot. It was outside, so people could bring their lawn chairs if they wanted ,but there were folding chairs out too.

No limit on amount of people you could have. Even if it rained they would still do it outside, the only way they would go inside if there was lighting or a hurricane or something like that.

OP, at least you know it's going to be 3 hours. I had no idea how long my graduation was going to be, and everyone was still says, that was the longest graduation ever. My sister's and I all had different length graduations. One was like herding cattle (shortest), mine was slow and steady everyone's name was called and was the longest, and my other sister had a happy medium.

Graduation etiquette.....what would you do?

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