MoH might be pregnant. Do I ask her?

MelissaRNMace · May 2015

I think my MoH might be pregnant. She hasn't said anything yet, but I'm pretty sure. If I'm right about how far along she will have had the baby by wedding time, or be very close to having the baby. I want to look a dresses for her soon. Should I ask or just wait and see if she brings it up?

beachyone15 · May 2015

MelissaRNMace said:
I think my MoH might be pregnant. She hasn't said anything yet, but I'm pretty sure. If I'm right about how far along she will have had the baby by wedding time, or be very close to having the baby. I want to look a dresses for her soon. Should I ask or just wait and see if she brings it up?

This.

banana468 · May 2015

MelissaRNMace said:
I think my MoH might be pregnant. She hasn't said anything yet, but I'm pretty sure. If I'm right about how far along she will have had the baby by wedding time, or be very close to having the baby. I want to look a dresses for her soon. Should I ask or just wait and see if she brings it up?

Wait and see. If she's not talking then she may want to keep that info private for a while.

kaos16 · May 2015

I firmly believe that you should never ask a woman if she is pregnant unless/until the baby is crowning. Other than that, if she wants you to know, she'll mention it.

southernbelle0915 · May 2015

Wait and see if she brings it up. Most people wait until after the first trimester to announce anything.

BM dresses don't need to be ordered until a couple months before the wedding. The only vendor I've heard of that takes a long time (at like 4 months) is Weddington Way.

So you have PLENTY of time - at least a couple months. You should, however, start looking for your own dress now if you haven't already. (I'm guessing you're about 7 or 8 months out).

When you do start looking at BM dresses and she hasn't announced, just go with a vendor like David's and pick a color that has a maternity dress option.

fyrchk · May 2015

Unless you're asking to congratulate her...what's the point? Some people like to wait until a certain point in their pregnancy before making any announcement.

MelissaRNMace · May 2015

Thanks! I'm over eager to get everything in place I think. My dress is already in my closet!

onefootinthebayou · May 2015

Please don't ever ask. I posted a discussion on this in chit chat awhile back. I'll try to link to it later, on mobile now. Titled, "It's never Ok to ask a woman if she's pregnant". Worth reading through the responses.

Jen4948 · May 2015

Don't ever ask. Just ask her about going dress shopping with you when you're ready to do that (don't do it too soon), and at that time, if she is pregnant, she can deal with getting the dress.

larrygaga · May 2015

I have two preggo maids. When we went shopping they brought a pillow to see what dress they could stuff it under, and so find out what dress they needed. A flowy, chiffon dress would have some stretch! One will be 3 months and other other will be 6.

Just plan dresses like you normally would. In this situation, I would dictate a color and then let the maids find their dress. That's what I did for mine and I basically just tagged along to offer opinions! She will tell you about the pregnancy if she wants. Just like in the situation of a maid buying a dress too small to lose weight, it's not your business to give an opinion unless she asked.

How can you be so sure, anyway? Has she been gaining a lot of weight in her stomach and shopping for baby clothes?

artbyallie · May 2015

MelissaRNMace said:
Thanks! I'm over eager to get everything in place I think. My dress is already in my closet!

If she could possibly give birth between now and the wedding, it is too early for her to buy a dress regardless.

LondonLisa · May 2015

Situations where it is OK to ask if a woman is pregnant: if you are a doctor or nurse providing professional medical care where this information is relevant.

Otherwise:

loveislouder · May 2015

What makes you think she's pregnant? Did she put on a couple pounds? How would you feel if you had put on a couple pounds and someone came up to you and was like "Hey, you look pregnant. Are you?"

I'm in the "never ask unless she's crowing" crowd.

onefootinthebayou · May 2015

@MelissaRNMace, please see link:

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1053946/its-never-ok-to-ask-a-woman-if-shes-pregnant/p1

Well intentions or not, it's advised that you never do this.

anjemon · May 2015

I agree with PP's that you should definitely not ask her if she's pregnant. If she's not telling you, there's probably a good reason.

However, I think we went bridesmaid dress shopping about 5 months before my wedding. Partly because of the Christmas holidays, but many salons seemed to think we were cutting the timeline close. My sister was a BM and was pregnant at the time (maybe 4 months? She had announced it late summer). Since she was still fairly early in the pregnancy, she used her currently belly as an example for what it might be after she had her baby. This might have been easier for her to do because it was her second pregnancy. I think we also bought a size up just in case and my seamstress altered her dress the week of the wedding. So if you're around 5 months out from your wedding, it's not a bad idea to ask her to go dress shopping. She can deal with the logistics of the theoretical pregnancy as she wants.

sarahufl · May 2015

Put me firmly in the camp of "unless you are crowning, don't ask"

Why, why, why do people think it is ok to ask if someone is pregnant?! She will tell you if it is an issue.

notdoingitbythebook · May 2015

I'll just chime in with the rest and say you never ask anyone if they are pregnant. Unless you see the baby coming out, you have no idea. And they have no obligation to tell you if they don't want to.

My friend was asked how far along she is. My friend cannot have children. It was very painful. I was standing with her (we met them on the street), I wanted to deck that idiot for hurting my friend so deeply with her callous question.

[Deleted User] · May 2015

What if you ask her and she says, "Not pregnant. Just fat. But thanks for noticing." That sound like it would be a great way to start a conversation.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2015

adk19 said:
What if you ask her and she says, "Not pregnant. Just fat. But thanks for noticing." That sound like it would be a great way to start a conversation.

Or "no, I stopped drinking because I'm an alcoholic." Or "no, I got an STD and can't drink on the antibiotics." Or "I was, but I lost it yesterday." Or "yes, but it's not viable and I have to terminate."

Just so many options for that conversation not to go well when she's not the one freely offering up the information. If she's close enough to be your MOH, trust her to tell you when the time is right.

ashley8918 · May 2015

sophhabobopha · May 2015

I'm also wondering why you think she's pregent. Maybe she carries weight in her belly.

[Deleted User] · May 2015

sophhabobopha said:
I'm also wondering why you think she's pregent. Maybe she carries weight in her belly.

Apparently I do. I was offered a seat on the train the other day by a woman (probably my age, maybe a tidge younger). This is Chicago. People aren't just nice. I looked at myself in the mirror later. Shit! No dessert for me.

flantastic · May 2015

sophhabobopha said:
I'm also wondering why you think she's pregent. Maybe she carries weight in her belly.

My guess is more "She didn't have a drink - she always has drinks!"

Either way, yes, she'll tell you when she wants to share that info. You should not ask.

MandyMost · May 2015

You should ask whoever you want to be your MOH regardless of whether they're pregnant, living abroad, broke, have cancer, or whatever. You ask, and then say you will make it work for them, regardless. Maybe they can't be there (i.e. giving birth, abroad and no money to travel, to sick, etc.), or maybe they can be there but can't wear a traditional dress for some reason. The point is that this is a person who is super important to you. The rest is just details that can be worked out later!

However, if you really think she's pregnant and really not willing to tell ANYONE right now, then I think you would be doing her a favor by waiting a few weeks to ask. If you ask now, she may feel put on the spot to say yes (and feel like she's lying if she knows that's her due date!) or no (because she doesn't want to tell you yet).

[Deleted User] · May 2015

MandyMost said:
You should ask whoever you want to be your MOH regardless of whether they're pregnant, living abroad, broke, have cancer, or whatever. You ask, and then say you will make it work for them, regardless. Maybe they can't be there (i.e. giving birth, abroad and no money to travel, to sick, etc.), or maybe they can be there but can't wear a traditional dress for some reason. The point is that this is a person who is super important to you. The rest is just details that can be worked out later!

However, if you really think she's pregnant and really not willing to tell ANYONE right now, then I think you would be doing her a favor by waiting a few weeks to ask. If you ask now, she may feel put on the spot to say yes (and feel like she's lying if she knows that's her due date!) or no (because she doesn't want to tell you yet).

Good advice except for this. Don't ask her if she's pregnant. Don't ever ever ask.

HeatherKat · May 2015

adk19 said:

MandyMost said:
You should ask whoever you want to be your MOH regardless of whether they're pregnant, living abroad, broke, have cancer, or whatever. You ask, and then say you will make it work for them, regardless. Maybe they can't be there (i.e. giving birth, abroad and no money to travel, to sick, etc.), or maybe they can be there but can't wear a traditional dress for some reason. The point is that this is a person who is super important to you. The rest is just details that can be worked out later!

However, if you really think she's pregnant and really not willing to tell ANYONE right now, then I think you would be doing her a favor by waiting a few weeks to ask. If you ask now, she may feel put on the spot to say yes (and feel like she's lying if she knows that's her due date!) or no (because she doesn't want to tell you yet).
Good advice except for this. Don't ask her if she's pregnant. Don't ever ever ask.

I think @MandyMost meant waiting to ask her to be MOH, not asking her if she's pregnant.

lyndausvi · May 2015

All of my BM's were OOT. One BM was being really wishy-washy when it came to ordering her dress. I had not seen her in 5 months.

She was my BF, I flat out said "are you pregnant?" She was like "OMG, how did you know?". As I said, she was OOT, I could not see the signs, it was just a feeling I had.

Then she said she wanted to drop out because she was pregnant and didn't want to ruin my wedding. Yeah, no. I told her I refused her resignation.

I told her to just get a dress in the same color as the BMs. She was going to be 8 months and 2 hours OOT. I said, make a game day decision. If the doctor said she could not come, NBD, I would send the flowers to her.

Then I said she could make a game TIME decision on if she wanted to walk down the aisle with the other girls and stand with the other girls or sit with my parents. I told her as she was walking down make the choice. Her standing or sitting, walking or not had not affect on the wedding itself. I just wanted her comfortable.

In the end she came to the town 2 days before the wedding. She bought a dress in the same color as the girls, in which I saw for the first time on the wedding day. She walked down the aisle, stood with the other girls AND read a reading.

It was all 100% up to her and I never once gave it another thought. Well I did think of how her pregnancy was going in general. I just never thought about how her pregancy was going to affect my wedding.

delujm0 · May 2015

I think, especially as a currently pregnant person, that the worst thing about this post is that it isn't "should i ask my MOH if she's pregnant, because she's my BFF and i'm so happy for her and i really want to know." Instead it's "Should i ask my MOH if she's pregnant, because i want to know how it will affect MY SPECIAL DAY."

I'm (trying to be) the MOH in my sister's wedding, which is OOT when i'll be two weeks from my due date. My mom and sister tried to get me to order a dress more than 6 months in advance, before i wanted to tell them about the pregnancy. i told them to hold onto their horses because the bridal shop said we didn't have to order until 4 months out. I told them about it when i was 14 weeks and home for Christmas, and we dealt with it at that time. you have no idea how annoying it was to continually deflect on the dress order because i didn't feel comfortable telling my own mother and sister that i was pregnant yet. Forget about your wedding and trust your friend to make a decision that is right for her as far as when she tells you about her pregnancy.

MandyMost · May 2015

HeatherKat said:

adk19 said:

MandyMost said:
You should ask whoever you want to be your MOH regardless of whether they're pregnant, living abroad, broke, have cancer, or whatever. You ask, and then say you will make it work for them, regardless. Maybe they can't be there (i.e. giving birth, abroad and no money to travel, to sick, etc.), or maybe they can be there but can't wear a traditional dress for some reason. The point is that this is a person who is super important to you. The rest is just details that can be worked out later!

However, if you really think she's pregnant and really not willing to tell ANYONE right now, then I think you would be doing her a favor by waiting a few weeks to ask. If you ask now, she may feel put on the spot to say yes (and feel like she's lying if she knows that's her due date!) or no (because she doesn't want to tell you yet).
Good advice except for this. Don't ask her if she's pregnant. Don't ever ever ask.
I think @MandyMost meant waiting to ask her to be MOH, not asking her if she's pregnant.

Yes, that's what I meant! If your potential future MOH is not wanting to tell you about her pregnancy yet, bringing up something for the future like this might put her in a tough spot. She can either agree, knowing she may be giving birth on your wedding day and will have to back out later, or she can decline and essentially lie to your face with a bullshit reason for not being able to do it. Neither is a good option for her. If you wait a few weeks to ask her to be MOH, until after she tells you she's pregnant or you no longer suspect it, then you can ask her and she can give you an honest answer.

aurianna · May 2015

Ah good times.
Last month I helped throw my cousin's baby shower. It was out of town for me so it was an opportunity for me to see some of the extended family I hadn't in a while.
So Great-Great-Aunt or First Cousin Twice removed or whatever she is...

Me: Hi, how are you?
Her: All right. Is your daddy here?
Me: No, just me this weekend.
Her: Oh. *pause* Are you pregnant too?
Me: No.
Her: Oh. That's embarrassing. That's the second time that's happened this month.

I wonder when she'll learn that maybe.. don't keep asking people?

jenijoyk · May 2015

As someone who just suffered through a family get together where I made the egregious mistake of drinking tea instead of wine, and where everyone made the biggest deal out of it... ("Oh! You're not drinking? How interesting!" "Grandma says you're not drinking." "Tea? Really? Hmmmm....") ... I can definitively say DO NOT ASK. Do not ask. Do not imply. Do not do so much as raise an eyebrow when she turns down a cocktail.

Hubby and I have been trying to get pregnant, and I was just diagnosed with cervical cancer, putting babymaking on hold. (I'll be totally fine healthwise. Jury is still out on fertilitywise.) We haven't told any family members yet, and they are all assuming and hoping we're trying. Every time someone made any sort of insinuation I wanted to just burst into tears and then throw myself out the window.

So yeah. Don't ask. Ever.

MoH might be pregnant. Do I ask her?

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