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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Dilly Dallying and being Flaky on RSVPs

Hello all,

It's 4 days after my RSVP date.  I figured I would allow a few days of buffer time in case people thought it was okay to be postmarked by the RSVP date.  Anyway, out of 200 RSVPs, I've received 103 RSVPs back to date.  I'm a bit annoyed since the RSVP was already pre-addressed and pre-stamped.

Anyway, I'm going to start making phone calls, leaving emails and private facebook messages for people who haven't sent back their RSVPs.  I was planning on wording it as:

"Hi ______, We had sent out our wedding invitations on _____ and were wondering if you have received it because we haven't received your RSVP yet.  We have to give our final numbers to our venue and caterer by _____ and will not be able to accommodate any changes to it once it is finalized.  We hope that you will be able to come but if you cannot, we understand.  If you would confirm your attendance, we would really appreciate it.  If for some reason you have not received the invitation please let me know by tomorrow and I will send you all of the details."

My fiance and I do not want to run the risk of having empty seats or no seats for a bunch of guests showing up that have not RSVPed.  Do you think the paragraph above is fair to say?

Thanks.
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Re: Dilly Dallying and being Flaky on RSVPs

  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I don't know if the pig paragraph is necessary, to be honest. The one time I forgot to RSVP to a wedding, my cousin/bride called a few days after the deadline and said "Hey, are you coming?" 

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  • You probably haven't gotten many RSVPs because your wedding isn't until July. 

    @concretetumbleweed, is this correct? 

    Of course that's why you have such a crappy response rate! About now is when you INVITATIONS should be going out. RSVPs shouldn't be asked for until 2-3 weeks before the wedding, 4 weeks max. 
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  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer

    You probably haven't gotten many RSVPs because your wedding isn't until July. 

    @concretetumbleweed, is this correct? 

    Of course that's why you have such a crappy response rate! About now is when you INVITATIONS should be going out. RSVPs shouldn't be asked for until 2-3 weeks before the wedding, 4 weeks max. 
    Looking through some of her old posts, yes, unless she's magically moved it up a few months.
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  • When do you need your final numbers by?

    Formerly martha1818

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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Hello all,


    It's 4 days after my RSVP date.  I figured I would allow a few days of buffer time in case people thought it was okay to be postmarked by the RSVP date.  Anyway, out of 200 RSVPs, I've received 103 RSVPs back to date.  I'm a bit annoyed since the RSVP was already pre-addressed and pre-stamped.

    Anyway, I'm going to start making phone calls, leaving emails and private facebook messages for people who haven't sent back their RSVPs.  I was planning on wording it as:

    "Hi ______, We had sent out our wedding invitations on _____ and were wondering if you have received it because we haven't received your RSVP yet.  We have to give our final numbers to our venue and caterer by _____ and will not be able to accommodate any changes to it once it is finalized.  We hope that you will be able to come but if you cannot, we understand.  If you would confirm your attendance, we would really appreciate it.  If for some reason you have not received the invitation please let me know by tomorrow and I will send you all of the details."

    My fiance and I do not want to run the risk of having empty seats or no seats for a bunch of guests showing up that have not RSVPed.  Do you think the paragraph above is fair to say?

    Thanks.

    What is the last possible day to give your caters final numbers?
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Hello all,


    It's 4 days after my RSVP date.  I figured I would allow a few days of buffer time in case people thought it was okay to be postmarked by the RSVP date.  Anyway, out of 200 RSVPs, I've received 103 RSVPs back to date.  I'm a bit annoyed since the RSVP was already pre-addressed and pre-stamped.

    Anyway, I'm going to start making phone calls, leaving emails and private facebook messages for people who haven't sent back their RSVPs.  I was planning on wording it as:

    "Hi ______, We had sent out our wedding invitations on _____ and were wondering if you have received it because we haven't received your RSVP yet.  We have to give our final numbers to our venue and caterer by _____ and will not be able to accommodate any changes to it once it is finalized.  We hope that you will be able to come but if you cannot, we understand.  If you would confirm your attendance, we would really appreciate it.  If for some reason you have not received the invitation please let me know by tomorrow and I will send you all of the details."

    My fiance and I do not want to run the risk of having empty seats or no seats for a bunch of guests showing up that have not RSVPed.  Do you think the paragraph above is fair to say?

    Thanks.
    Your message sounds really, really hostile and passive aggressive. For all you know they did send it and you didn't receive it. 

    And if your wedding is really in July, then yes, you set your RSVP date far too early.
  • Well lets see, July is only 6 weeks away and I have to give my numbers in by the first week of June, so really I have a two week buffer.  I think I'm okay asking people to confirm....Thanks for checking my earlier posts :-)
  • We just got an invite for a mid-July wedding 2 days ago (we had gotten a STD like 6 months ago).  The RSVP date isn't until the third week of June.  And, right now we're not sure we can go.  So yeah, you're asking people to respond too soon.
    Married 9.12.15
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Well lets see, July is only 6 weeks away and I have to give my numbers in by the first week of June, so really I have a two week buffer.  I think I'm okay asking people to confirm....Thanks for checking my earlier posts :-)




    When in July? Your wedding could be 10 weeks away. 

     I would push back on needing final numbers the first week in June. Did they explain why they need the numbers so early? 

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Hello all,


    It's 4 days after my RSVP date.  I figured I would allow a few days of buffer time in case people thought it was okay to be postmarked by the RSVP date.  Anyway, out of 200 RSVPs, I've received 103 RSVPs back to date.  I'm a bit annoyed since the RSVP was already pre-addressed and pre-stamped.

    Anyway, I'm going to start making phone calls, leaving emails and private facebook messages for people who haven't sent back their RSVPs.  I was planning on wording it as:

    "Hi ______, We had sent out our wedding invitations on _____ and were wondering if you have received it because we haven't received your RSVP yet.  We have to give our final numbers to our venue and caterer by _____ and will not be able to accommodate any changes to it once it is finalized.  We hope that you will be able to come but if you cannot, we understand.  If you would confirm your attendance, we would really appreciate it.  If for some reason you have not received the invitation please let me know by tomorrow and I will send you all of the details."

    My fiance and I do not want to run the risk of having empty seats or no seats for a bunch of guests showing up that have not RSVPed.  Do you think the paragraph above is fair to say?

    Thanks.



    The first week in June does seem kind of early for a July wedding, especially if the wedding isn't in the first week of July but sometime later.

    But that said, I would use @southernbelle915's wording because it's shorter and straightforward.  You don't need to say that you "understand" if anyone can't come, and asking if they've gotten the invitation does sound like a passive-aggressive accusation of not RSVPing, which I'm willing to guess isn't how you want to come across.

  • I agree with PPs, your note sounds a little hostile, and also way too wordy. Here's what I plan to say to people who don't return RSVPs (I know there will be at least a few guests who think that you only have to RSVP if you CAN come):

    "Hi, _____! I hope all's well with you! I just wanted to check in and make sure you received our wedding invitation and to see if you will be able to come. Please let us know either way - we hope to see you there!"
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • lyndausvi

    Thanks.  That's actually good to know.  Question though, how did you do all of the table assignments right before the wedding and get them over to the venue?

    Thanks again.
  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    lyndausvi


    Thanks.  That's actually good to know.  Question though, how did you do all of the table assignments right before the wedding and get them over to the venue?

    Thanks again.




    Table assignments take 1 hour. Max. Type out the names/ table numbers and email it to the venue.

    You can start working on your table assignments before you have all your RSVPs.

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • lyndausvi


    Thanks.  That's actually good to know.  Question though, how did you do all of the table assignments right before the wedding and get them over to the venue?

    Thanks again.
    I had my guest list on an excel sheet and it took me under an hour to make table assignments. If H had helped me, I'm sure it would have taken less time. 
  • anjemonanjemon member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper

    lyndausvi


    Thanks.  That's actually good to know.  Question though, how did you do all of the table assignments right before the wedding and get them over to the venue?

    Thanks again.
    I think our table assignments only took a few days, and that was because I was playing email tag with my mother. I had her do my family's side because she's better at remembering who knows who well. Unless you've got people with a lot of "can'ts", it shouldn't be that bad.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited May 2015

    lyndausvi


    Thanks.  That's actually good to know.  Question though, how did you do all of the table assignments right before the wedding and get them over to the venue?

    Thanks again.
    I did table assignments on an excel spreadsheet as the RSVP came in.  I had one column for each table.   My guests pretty much fell into groups.  For the most part 1 group = 1 table.  Give or take.   Sure I did a little tweaking, but for the most part that is how it worked out. It didn't take me much time total.   

    We also did a mix of rounds and square tables, so my tables were different sizes. The smallest was 6, the largest was 12.    I didn't see the need to take a few people from a larger table and make them sit with people they do not know in order to have even sized tables.    

    My RSVP's were due 10 days out.  By the weekend before the wedding I was pretty much done with the table cards.    Due to some last minute cancellation I had to do a little tweaking the week of, but it wasn't time consuming at all.    The Thursday before the wedding I gave them to the venue.




    ETA - you think about it you can bang out a few tables before even sending out the invites.   Let's face it your WP will be there.  So you can put them somewhere (our WP sat with family or friends, I didn't have a WP table).  

     Assuming you have a normal relationship with your parents and siblings and it's reasonable to think they are coming.  There is another few tables.     Your favorite aunt and uncle never miss a event, so you can plop them in a table.  If for some reason they decline, it's not hard to just deleted them for the excel sheet.







    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • That's interesting.  I just got an invite today with an RSVP date of June 15th for an early August wedding.  I immediately thought "man... they got tricked by the caterer!" 
  • That's interesting.  I just got an invite today with an RSVP date of June 15th for an early August wedding.  I immediately thought "man... they got tricked by the caterer!" 

    That, or they just "NEED TO KNOWWWWW" because reasons. *eyeroll*
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited May 2015

    That's interesting.  I just got an invite today with an RSVP date of June 15th for an early August wedding.  I immediately thought "man... they got tricked by the caterer!" 

    That, or they just "NEED TO KNOWWWWW" because reasons. *eyeroll*
    And that happens too.   We've seen knotties want to know early not because of the caterer.  Nope it's because they want to just know.  My favorite was the chick who needed to know so they knew how much money they needed.


    DH is a chef.  We have lived in some of the most remote places.  In the islands we had to ship and/or fly in EVERYTHING.  There was NOTHING grown here.  Even the fishermen could not guarantee fish.  Even there guarantees were 72 hours out.  Actually all of his places have been 72 hours out, with soft numbers coming in the weeks before to give him an idea of what the final counts will be.   

     It's not like he is buying lettuce a 6 weeks out.  No chef buys exactly 100 steaks for a 100 person wedding.  It doesn't work that way.    Most chefs create their menus to cross utilize product.  So even if the 100 steak wedding drops to 80, he can use the leftover steak for the restaurant or an event in the future. 


    ETA - and on the front of the house side there are no carpenter fairies in the back custom making individual chairs and table.  There are no silversmiths making forks just for your wedding.   Nope, the banquet captain goes to some storage room the day before or day off and grabs how much they need.  Or in my case, the rental place pulled that stuff and delivered it a few days before the wedding.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • That's interesting.  I just got an invite today with an RSVP date of June 15th for an early August wedding.  I immediately thought "man... they got tricked by the caterer!" 

    That, or they just "NEED TO KNOWWWWW" because reasons. *eyeroll*
    Yes, more likely this.  I had a friend whose hard numbers were due a week prior but the invites were sent 3 months out with an RSVP date 2 months out.  WHY do you need 7 full weeks to call for missing RSVPs and do your seating chart/place cards?

    Spoiler alert: you don't.


  • I agree that either the shorter message or a phone call would be most appropriate. It's very possible that your guests truly do not know yet if they will be able to attend. 

    Received an invitation at the beginning of May for a September 26th wedding...with an RSVP date of August 24th. I already know I am not attending, so I went to pop it in the mail this morning. First, no line on which to write my name. Second, no stamp! And my fiancé's RUDE! 
  • Damn dude. I just said

    Hey, ya coming or what?

    But your RSVPS are wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too early. It's supposed to be like ten days out.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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  • @southernbelle ... I was thinking that too.  I also thought I had read it wrong!!!  LOL
  • Our seating chart took, like, 15 minutes? We didn't even bother with Excel, I wrote everyone's name onto those little colored Post-It flags based on what "group" they fell into (my family, his family, my coworkers, his coworkers, friends) and started sticking them to a big piece of poster board. Our caterer wanted our headcount a week before the wedding, so our RSVP date was a week before that and we waited 3 days after that to start calling people. We dropped off our finished escort cards and table layout 2 days before the wedding. It really wasn't that hard.
    ~*~*~*~*~

  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Our venue wanted hard numbers 14 days out (Yeah, it does seem silly, but that's what they have in their contract). Seating list only takes a few hours once you know. 

    For sure, call your guests up, but I'd keep it short and simple. Your guests may honestly not know if they can make it yet or not due to work schedules. And you never know, some guests may have not gotten the invitation (lost in the mail), so try to give those people the benefit of the doubt. 
  • SP29 said:

    Our venue wanted hard numbers 14 days out (Yeah, it does seem silly, but that's what they have in their contract). Seating list only takes a few hours once you know. 


    For sure, call your guests up, but I'd keep it short and simple. Your guests may honestly not know if they can make it yet or not due to work schedules. And you never know, some guests may have not gotten the invitation (lost in the mail), so try to give those people the benefit of the doubt. 
    I think 14 days or under is okay.   It's when the get into the 21+ days I'm like WTF?   6 weeks?  Oh hell, no.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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