To start - a little background information on my fiance and myself. His parents divorced (in quite the messy fashion) when he was about 7 years old. His dad has since remarried, divorced again, and now newly engaged to someone whom everyone else in the family (myself included) cannot stand. His mom never remarried. His mom hates her ex-husband's current choice in mate so much that we've all been afraid to tell her he got engaged. We actually still have no clarification on whether or not she knows. My parents have been married for almost 38 years, so this whole blended and re-blended family situation is completely foreign to me.
My main question - how much should I include the father of the groom's SO? They haven't been really part of the planning process at all. We don't necessarily have the best relationship with her. Recently she said something about wanting us to give her grandkids already, and my fiance responded (in much more colorful language than I would use) that our children would NEVER call her "grandma." She also been known to bash our religion (we're practicing Catholics and my mom was a nun - like in the Sound Of Music) to my face. That being said, the father of the groom wants his fiance included in everything to the same level as the MOB ant the MOG. We asked that she not attend our menu tasting (we would have had to pay extra for her as our 6 seats for the tasting were included as part of our package). He threw a fit, and my fiance and he argued for a week. Over a dinner. The FOG recently asked if his fiance was in the wedding, to which I said to my fiance: "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" We have already assigned the readings and the other tasks during the ceremony, and it would be rude to have her escorted in with the mothers since she is neither of our mothers or a step mother to us. Not to mention, it's a Catholic ceremony, and since she has formally renounced the Faith (part of her reasoning in bashing it to my face), we cannot have her be part of the ceremony without getting in serious trouble ourselves.
Where do I draw the line? My mom thought it would be nice to give her a corsage and to have her announced at the reception with the FOG - which could be tricky considering we don't know if the MOG knows about the engagement. The fact that the FOG is acting like a child over this makes me want to not give her anything at all. She is not that close with us, and I see no reason for awarding this woman a prize for being a home-wrecker (she's the reason that FOG and wife #2 got divorced). On the other hand, I want to keep the peace for the sake of my fiance, who so desperately seeks his dad's approval that he'll sacrifice his own happiness to do whatever his dad wants. Any suggestions on how to handle this crazy situation?
Re: Father of the Groom's SO
If he's not contributing, all you owe FSMIL is an invitation with FOG and general respect. I think a seat in the front row and a corsage is plenty.
Agreed. You're not off to a very good start if you want to keep the peace. And no one can "wreck" a home that didn't want to be wrecked. Assuming "homewrecker" = he cheated on his wife with her, why was it her responsibility to make sure he kept it in his pants and didn't cheat on his wife? Cheating is a symptom, not the problem.
Not only that, but there was another marriage in between your FI's mom and the current fiance of his father. His mom and dad split up when he was 7, assuming he's at least 18 now, she's still harboring so much hostility and cares about who he chooses to be with at least 11 years later so as to potentially cause issues over this? There's a whole lot of dysfunction going on here and it has nothing to do with the "homewrecker".
So, here is what you all should do. Grow up. Every single one of you.
1. Mom. Give her a heads up so she's not blindsided. If she pitches a fit, then your FI should calmly explain that he understands it's an uncomfortable situation, but hopes that she's able to put her feelings aside for one day to be there for him on his wedding day.
2. Dad. Tell him that you're happy he's found someone that makes him happy and that you're happy to include the person he loves just as you would anyone else's significant other. You don't have to treat her as your mother - you both already have parents, but as the significant other of one of those parents, a corsage and the courtesy to walk with her fiance to her seat and be treated with respect would be lovely gestures.
3. You and your FI. Stop calling people names (even behind her back as you have here) and treat his father's fiancee with kindness and respect. You don't need to be BFF's, but she is a human being with feelings. You should treat their relationship with the same dignity and respect that you hope they and everyone else would treat your own relationship with FI.
When in doubt, you can never go wrong with acting like a decent human being to people and treating them how you would like to be treated.
YES, you have to invite your FFIL's fiance to your wedding. Get her a corsage. Grow up.
Since you are Catholic, you should remember that Jesus didn't throw stones.
Unless your FI wants to cut his relationship with his father (sounds like he doesn't), then both of you will need to be a bit more kind to this woman- she's going to be around at gatherings for the foreseeable future. No, you don't have to like her, but be respectful.