Father of the Groom's SO

catej22 · May 2015

To start - a little background information on my fiance and myself. His parents divorced (in quite the messy fashion) when he was about 7 years old. His dad has since remarried, divorced again, and now newly engaged to someone whom everyone else in the family (myself included) cannot stand. His mom never remarried. His mom hates her ex-husband's current choice in mate so much that we've all been afraid to tell her he got engaged. We actually still have no clarification on whether or not she knows. My parents have been married for almost 38 years, so this whole blended and re-blended family situation is completely foreign to me.

My main question - how much should I include the father of the groom's SO? They haven't been really part of the planning process at all. We don't necessarily have the best relationship with her. Recently she said something about wanting us to give her grandkids already, and my fiance responded (in much more colorful language than I would use) that our children would NEVER call her "grandma." She also been known to bash our religion (we're practicing Catholics and my mom was a nun - like in the Sound Of Music) to my face. That being said, the father of the groom wants his fiance included in everything to the same level as the MOB ant the MOG. We asked that she not attend our menu tasting (we would have had to pay extra for her as our 6 seats for the tasting were included as part of our package). He threw a fit, and my fiance and he argued for a week. Over a dinner. The FOG recently asked if his fiance was in the wedding, to which I said to my fiance: "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" We have already assigned the readings and the other tasks during the ceremony, and it would be rude to have her escorted in with the mothers since she is neither of our mothers or a step mother to us. Not to mention, it's a Catholic ceremony, and since she has formally renounced the Faith (part of her reasoning in bashing it to my face), we cannot have her be part of the ceremony without getting in serious trouble ourselves.

Where do I draw the line? My mom thought it would be nice to give her a corsage and to have her announced at the reception with the FOG - which could be tricky considering we don't know if the MOG knows about the engagement. The fact that the FOG is acting like a child over this makes me want to not give her anything at all. She is not that close with us, and I see no reason for awarding this woman a prize for being a home-wrecker (she's the reason that FOG and wife #2 got divorced). On the other hand, I want to keep the peace for the sake of my fiance, who so desperately seeks his dad's approval that he'll sacrifice his own happiness to do whatever his dad wants. Any suggestions on how to handle this crazy situation?

redoryx · May 2015

catej22 said:

To start - a little background information on my fiance and myself. His parents divorced (in quite the messy fashion) when he was about 7 years old. His dad has since remarried, divorced again, and now newly engaged to someone whom everyone else in the family (myself included) cannot stand. His mom never remarried. His mom hates her ex-husband's current choice in mate so much that we've all been afraid to tell her he got engaged. We actually still have no clarification on whether or not she knows. My parents have been married for almost 38 years, so this whole blended and re-blended family situation is completely foreign to me.

My main question - how much should I include the father of the groom's SO? They haven't been really part of the planning process at all. We don't necessarily have the best relationship with her. Recently she said something about wanting us to give her grandkids already, and my fiance responded (in much more colorful language than I would use) that our children would NEVER call her "grandma." She also been known to bash our religion (we're practicing Catholics and my mom was a nun - like in the Sound Of Music) to my face. That being said, the father of the groom wants his fiance included in everything to the same level as the MOB ant the MOG. We asked that she not attend our menu tasting (we would have had to pay extra for her as our 6 seats for the tasting were included as part of our package). He threw a fit, and my fiance and he argued for a week. Over a dinner. The FOG recently asked if his fiance was in the wedding, to which I said to my fiance: "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" We have already assigned the readings and the other tasks during the ceremony, and it would be rude to have her escorted in with the mothers since she is neither of our mothers or a step mother to us. Not to mention, it's a Catholic ceremony, and since she has formally renounced the Faith (part of her reasoning in bashing it to my face), we cannot have her be part of the ceremony without getting in serious trouble ourselves.

Where do I draw the line? My mom thought it would be nice to give her a corsage and to have her announced at the reception with the FOG - which could be tricky considering we don't know if the MOG knows about the engagement. The fact that the FOG is acting like a child over this makes me want to not give her anything at all. She is not that close with us, and I see no reason for awarding this woman a prize for being a home-wrecker (she's the reason that FOG and wife #2 got divorced). On the other hand, I want to keep the peace for the sake of my fiance, who so desperately seeks his dad's approval that he'll sacrifice his own happiness to do whatever his dad wants. Any suggestions on how to handle this crazy situation?

I obviously don't know all the details or history but I'm just gonna go ahead and say the FOG isn't the only one acting like a child over this.

southernbelle0915 · May 2015

catej22 said:
To start - a little background information on my fiance and myself. His parents divorced (in quite the messy fashion) when he was about 7 years old. His dad has since remarried, divorced again, and now newly engaged to someone whom everyone else in the family (myself included) cannot stand. His mom never remarried. His mom hates her ex-husband's current choice in mate so much that we've all been afraid to tell her he got engaged. We actually still have no clarification on whether or not she knows. My parents have been married for almost 38 years, so this whole blended and re-blended family situation is completely foreign to me.

My main question - how much should I include the father of the groom's SO? They haven't been really part of the planning process at all. We don't necessarily have the best relationship with her. Recently she said something about wanting us to give her grandkids already, and my fiance responded (in much more colorful language than I would use) that our children would NEVER call her "grandma." She also been known to bash our religion (we're practicing Catholics and my mom was a nun - like in the Sound Of Music) to my face. That being said, the father of the groom wants his fiance included in everything to the same level as the MOB ant the MOG. We asked that she not attend our menu tasting (we would have had to pay extra for her as our 6 seats for the tasting were included as part of our package). He threw a fit, and my fiance and he argued for a week. Over a dinner. The FOG recently asked if his fiance was in the wedding, to which I said to my fiance: "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" We have already assigned the readings and the other tasks during the ceremony, and it would be rude to have her escorted in with the mothers since she is neither of our mothers or a step mother to us. Not to mention, it's a Catholic ceremony, and since she has formally renounced the Faith (part of her reasoning in bashing it to my face), we cannot have her be part of the ceremony without getting in serious trouble ourselves.

Where do I draw the line? My mom thought it would be nice to give her a corsage and to have her announced at the reception with the FOG - which could be tricky considering we don't know if the MOG knows about the engagement. The fact that the FOG is acting like a child over this makes me want to not give her anything at all. She is not that close with us, and I see no reason for awarding this woman a prize for being a home-wrecker (she's the reason that FOG and wife #2 got divorced). On the other hand, I want to keep the peace for the sake of my fiance, who so desperately seeks his dad's approval that he'll sacrifice his own happiness to do whatever his dad wants. Any suggestions on how to handle this crazy situation?

Are FOG/FSMIL paying for any of the wedding? The reason I ask is because if he is, y'all have to let him be involved in whatever he's paying for. So if he's paying for the catering, he has very right to ask that he and his FI are at the tasting.

If he's not contributing, all you owe FSMIL is an invitation with FOG and general respect. I think a seat in the front row and a corsage is plenty.

jacques27 · May 2015

redoryx said:

catej22 said:

To start - a little background information on my fiance and myself. His parents divorced (in quite the messy fashion) when he was about 7 years old. His dad has since remarried, divorced again, and now newly engaged to someone whom everyone else in the family (myself included) cannot stand. His mom never remarried. His mom hates her ex-husband's current choice in mate so much that we've all been afraid to tell her he got engaged. We actually still have no clarification on whether or not she knows. My parents have been married for almost 38 years, so this whole blended and re-blended family situation is completely foreign to me.

My main question - how much should I include the father of the groom's SO? They haven't been really part of the planning process at all. We don't necessarily have the best relationship with her. Recently she said something about wanting us to give her grandkids already, and my fiance responded (in much more colorful language than I would use) that our children would NEVER call her "grandma." She also been known to bash our religion (we're practicing Catholics and my mom was a nun - like in the Sound Of Music) to my face. That being said, the father of the groom wants his fiance included in everything to the same level as the MOB ant the MOG. We asked that she not attend our menu tasting (we would have had to pay extra for her as our 6 seats for the tasting were included as part of our package). He threw a fit, and my fiance and he argued for a week. Over a dinner. The FOG recently asked if his fiance was in the wedding, to which I said to my fiance: "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" We have already assigned the readings and the other tasks during the ceremony, and it would be rude to have her escorted in with the mothers since she is neither of our mothers or a step mother to us. Not to mention, it's a Catholic ceremony, and since she has formally renounced the Faith (part of her reasoning in bashing it to my face), we cannot have her be part of the ceremony without getting in serious trouble ourselves.

Where do I draw the line? My mom thought it would be nice to give her a corsage and to have her announced at the reception with the FOG - which could be tricky considering we don't know if the MOG knows about the engagement. The fact that the FOG is acting like a child over this makes me want to not give her anything at all. She is not that close with us, and I see no reason for awarding this woman a prize for being a home-wrecker (she's the reason that FOG and wife #2 got divorced). On the other hand, I want to keep the peace for the sake of my fiance, who so desperately seeks his dad's approval that he'll sacrifice his own happiness to do whatever his dad wants. Any suggestions on how to handle this crazy situation?

I obviously don't know all the details or history but I'm just gonna go ahead and say the FOG isn't the only one acting like a child over this.

Agreed. You're not off to a very good start if you want to keep the peace. And no one can "wreck" a home that didn't want to be wrecked. Assuming "homewrecker" = he cheated on his wife with her, why was it her responsibility to make sure he kept it in his pants and didn't cheat on his wife? Cheating is a symptom, not the problem.

Not only that, but there was another marriage in between your FI's mom and the current fiance of his father. His mom and dad split up when he was 7, assuming he's at least 18 now, she's still harboring so much hostility and cares about who he chooses to be with at least 11 years later so as to potentially cause issues over this? There's a whole lot of dysfunction going on here and it has nothing to do with the "homewrecker".

So, here is what you all should do. Grow up. Every single one of you.

1. Mom. Give her a heads up so she's not blindsided. If she pitches a fit, then your FI should calmly explain that he understands it's an uncomfortable situation, but hopes that she's able to put her feelings aside for one day to be there for him on his wedding day.

2. Dad. Tell him that you're happy he's found someone that makes him happy and that you're happy to include the person he loves just as you would anyone else's significant other. You don't have to treat her as your mother - you both already have parents, but as the significant other of one of those parents, a corsage and the courtesy to walk with her fiance to her seat and be treated with respect would be lovely gestures.

3. You and your FI. Stop calling people names (even behind her back as you have here) and treat his father's fiancee with kindness and respect. You don't need to be BFF's, but she is a human being with feelings. You should treat their relationship with the same dignity and respect that you hope they and everyone else would treat your own relationship with FI.

When in doubt, you can never go wrong with acting like a decent human being to people and treating them how you would like to be treated.

lyndausvi · May 2015

I feel like a corsage and to sit with FFIL at the ceremony and reception is good enough.

I think you need an attitude adjustment. In no way do you need to be best friends with this woman, but she is your FFIL's soon-to-be-wife. You are not going to win any points by treating her bad. Your FFIL was the one who committed to wife #2. It was HIS responsibility to honor his vows. I really, really hate that all the blame is put on the other woman.

Think of it this way, how would you feel if she excluded only you from events but included your husband? i would hope your FI would support you, just like FFIL is supporting his soon-to-be-wife.

That said, he has no right to demand her to be in the wedding. He did cross the line there. You are under no obligation to have her in the wedding. It's ridiculous that he even made such a suggestion.

Again you do not have to be best buddies or even buddies. However, you do need to stop calling her the home wrecker and excluding her when you are including your FFIL.

CMGragain · May 2015

All the drama you have posted has nothing to do with your question.

YES, you have to invite your FFIL's fiance to your wedding. Get her a corsage. Grow up.
Since you are Catholic, you should remember that Jesus didn't throw stones.

jenajjthr · May 2015

scribe95 said:

It's always easier to blame the new person and not the loved family member but he is as much responsible for the cheating as this woman.

This x 1000....speaking as a person who was cheated on, I would always get mad at the other woman...it was always her fault. It made forgiving ex-H and trying to make my marriage work easier. It wasn't until I realized he was just as much to blame, takes two to tango, that I could grow up and move on with my anger.

Be nice and courteous, give her a place to sit by her FI, a corsage would be nice too. A heads up to your FI's mom will go a long way to head off any trouble...but why she would/should care about wife #3 is her problem, not yours.

yogapants · May 2015

CMGragain said:
All the drama you have posted has nothing to do with your question.

YES, you have to invite your FFIL's fiance to your wedding. Get her a corsage. Grow up.
Since you are Catholic, you should remember that Jesus didn't throw stones.

Um, where did OP say she didn't want to invite FFIL's fiancé to the wedding? She didn't.

Maggie0829 · May 2015

catej22 said:

She is not that close with us, and I see no reason for awarding this woman a prize for being a home-wrecker (she's the reason that FOG and wife #2 got divorced).

I'm sorry but this shit pisses me off. Did she by force make your FI Dad leave his second wife? Like did she put a gun to his head, threaten the life of his kids/family and that is why he left his second wife? I highly doubt it. So stop placing blame on this woman for a CHOICE that your FFIL made.

Stop acting like a child. Be polite and courteous to his current FI. She should be able to sit next to FFIL both at the ceremony and the reception. You don't have to get her a corsage/nosegay but it would be a nice gesture. If your FI is wanting to maintain a relationship with his Father, then being shitty to his current SO at this time would just cause a lot of tension. You are marrying into this family and you may not like everyone. But the least you could do is be cordial and polite, you know, like an adult.

kaos16 · May 2015

catej22 said:

To start - a little background information on my fiance and myself. His parents divorced (in quite the messy fashion) when he was about 7 years old. His dad has since remarried, divorced again, and now newly engaged to someone whom everyone else in the family (myself included) cannot stand. His mom never remarried. His mom hates her ex-husband's current choice in mate so much that we've all been afraid to tell her he got engaged. We actually still have no clarification on whether or not she knows. My parents have been married for almost 38 years, so this whole blended and re-blended family situation is completely foreign to me.

My main question - how much should I include the father of the groom's SO? They haven't been really part of the planning process at all. We don't necessarily have the best relationship with her. Recently she said something about wanting us to give her grandkids already, and my fiance responded (in much more colorful language than I would use) that our children would NEVER call her "grandma." She also been known to bash our religion (we're practicing Catholics and my mom was a nun - like in the Sound Of Music) to my face. That being said, the father of the groom wants his fiance included in everything to the same level as the MOB ant the MOG. We asked that she not attend our menu tasting (we would have had to pay extra for her as our 6 seats for the tasting were included as part of our package). He threw a fit, and my fiance and he argued for a week. Over a dinner. The FOG recently asked if his fiance was in the wedding, to which I said to my fiance: "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" We have already assigned the readings and the other tasks during the ceremony, and it would be rude to have her escorted in with the mothers since she is neither of our mothers or a step mother to us. Not to mention, it's a Catholic ceremony, and since she has formally renounced the Faith (part of her reasoning in bashing it to my face), we cannot have her be part of the ceremony without getting in serious trouble ourselves.

Where do I draw the line? My mom thought it would be nice to give her a corsage and to have her announced at the reception with the FOG - which could be tricky considering we don't know if the MOG knows about the engagement. The fact that the FOG is acting like a child over this makes me want to not give her anything at all. She is not that close with us, and I see no reason for awarding this woman a prize for being a home-wrecker (she's the reason that FOG and wife #2 got divorced). On the other hand, I want to keep the peace for the sake of my fiance, who so desperately seeks his dad's approval that he'll sacrifice his own happiness to do whatever his dad wants. Any suggestions on how to handle this crazy situation?

While I don't think anyone should be hiding their engagement, because who really cares. . . . you are all adults. If they are announced at the reception it can just be by name without reference to their relationship. I have never heard people described as wife, fiance, husband, fiancee, gf, bf at a reception when announced.

banana468 · May 2015

I want to make sure I understand this correctly:

1) Your FFIL and FMIL have been divorced for well over a decade.

2) Your FFIL is now engaged to be married for the 3rd time.

3) No one likes the new FI including you.

4) Your FFIL threw a fit when his SO wasn't included a dinner invitation because you didn't want to pay to include his SO in the event that includes couples.

5) You don't want her to appear like your FFIL's FI (even though she is) and you don't want her to have a place of honor at the wedding even though she's the FI of your FFIL who is the FOG.

Well, this is messy. And a lot could be helped if everyone would stop throwing temper tantrums and acting like kids.

1) FMIL needs to get over who her ex-H is with. It's not of consequence to her anymore. Their relationship is over and she doesn't get to control what he does. Not telling her that her ex-H is engaged isn't helping anyone here. At some point the truth will come out and then she'll find out that you knew and kept it from her. What will you do if she finds out at your RD or the wedding? At least give her the courtesy of processing the information. If she can't handle that information then that's a topic for a different thread.

2) I don't give two hoots if you don't like the FI or if their relationship started as an extramarital affair. That was a choice they BOTH made. And assuming she was single when the affair started, HE is the one who chose to CHEAT. I assume that your FFIL is of sound mind and capable of reasoning. Therefore he knew right from wrong and made the choice. He's guilty of breaking the trust of his wife and potentially his family and he's hardly the innocent party here. BUT - the damage is done and he's now planning to marry this woman. That means that she deserves the respect you grant anyone engaged. Their relationship status is just.like.yours.

3) Your FFIL has a right to be irritated that you stomped your feet and did not include his FI in the tasting. It's annoying that you were limited to 6 but it's a dinner that includes SOs and you didn't include his SO. It tells him that you don't value his relationship. It's also saying that as a child - you're telling the adult that his relationship isn't as of value as yours. You should have either included both or neither. Apologize for it..

4) The FI doesn't need to be *in* the wedding but she is in a role of honor. She is at minimum your FFIL's FI and escort and that puts them in a prominent position. She can wear attire that is similar to the formality of your mom and FMIL and she will be paired and escorted by your FFIL down the aisle. She should get a corsage and they should be seated at the front. If your FMIL and FFIL honestly can't deal with sitting in the same pew with the FFIL's FI then the seating should go: GM in the first pew, FMIL in the next pew, FFIL with his FI in the 3rd pew.

But bottom line here: you all need to realize that you're acting poorly. And your wedding isn't the final event where you two will see one another. Assuming you're both able to conceive children then you'll be parents one day and they'll be grandparents to your kids. They may want to see you for birthdays or other milestones. How you treat your FFIL's FI (and your FFIL by extension) can have an effect on your relationship with him for long after your wedding. Is it worth it?

MyNameIsNot · May 2015

Your FI's reactions to this woman are awfully dramatic and childish. It seems like he's still harboring some resentment toward his father. That coupled with your description that he desperately seeks his father's approval is concerning. Are you sure that he's dealt with the issues from the divorce?

You (and your FI) need to apologize to FFIL and his FI for excluding her from the tasting. Get them both bouts/corsages and put them in the front row of the ceremony. If they need to be introduced, introduce them by their first and last names.

From here on, you both should work on being polite and respectful with this woman. You don't have to love her, but there's no reason to treat her badly or call her names.

SP29 · May 2015

Agree so much with the above.

This woman is your FFIL's spouse- and she should be treated as such.

FMIL should know beforehand if the engagement is going to negatively affect her, so she can process it, but that's her issue to deal with, not yours.

FFIL's FI does not need to be included in the wedding by any means, except as FFIL's SO. So she should get to walk in with him and sit with him for the ceremony and reception. A corsage would be a nice gesture. As for announcing- one solution is to not announce parents at the reception- they do not require any special announcement, verbally or on paper, unless they are hosting the wedding.

Unless your FI wants to cut his relationship with his father (sounds like he doesn't), then both of you will need to be a bit more kind to this woman- she's going to be around at gatherings for the foreseeable future. No, you don't have to like her, but be respectful.

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