Wedding Etiquette Forum

Father of the Groom's SO

To start - a little background information on my fiance and myself.  His parents divorced (in quite the messy fashion) when he was about 7 years old.  His dad has since remarried, divorced again, and now newly engaged to someone whom everyone else in the family (myself included) cannot stand.  His mom never remarried.  His mom hates her ex-husband's current choice in mate so much that we've all been afraid to tell her he got engaged.  We actually still have no clarification on whether or not she knows.  My parents have been married for almost 38 years, so this whole blended and re-blended family situation is completely foreign to me.

My main question - how much should I include the father of the groom's SO?  They haven't been really part of the planning process at all.  We don't necessarily have the best relationship with her.  Recently she said something about wanting us to give her grandkids already, and my fiance responded (in much more colorful language than I would use) that our children would NEVER call her "grandma."  She also been known to bash our religion (we're practicing Catholics and my mom was a nun - like in the Sound Of Music) to my face.  That being said, the father of the groom wants his fiance included in everything to the same level as the MOB ant the MOG.  We asked that she not attend our menu tasting (we would have had to pay extra for her as our 6 seats for the tasting were included as part of our package).  He threw a fit, and my fiance and he argued for a week.  Over a dinner.  The FOG recently asked if his fiance was in the wedding, to which I said to my fiance: "ABSOLUTELY NOT!"  We have already assigned the readings and the other tasks during the ceremony, and it would be rude to have her escorted in with the mothers since she is neither of our mothers or a step mother to us.  Not to mention, it's a Catholic ceremony, and since she has formally renounced the Faith (part of her reasoning in bashing it to my face), we cannot have her be part of the ceremony without getting in serious trouble ourselves.

Where do I draw the line?  My mom thought it would be nice to give her a corsage and to have her announced at the reception with the FOG - which could be tricky considering we don't know if the MOG knows about the engagement.  The fact that the FOG is acting like a child over this makes me want to not give her anything at all.  She is not that close with us, and I see no reason for awarding this woman a prize for being a home-wrecker (she's the reason that FOG and wife #2 got divorced).  On the other hand, I want to keep the peace for the sake of my fiance, who so desperately seeks his dad's approval that he'll sacrifice his own happiness to do whatever his dad wants.  Any suggestions on how to handle this crazy situation?

Re: Father of the Groom's SO

  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I feel like a corsage and to sit with FFIL at the ceremony and reception is good enough.


     I think you need an attitude adjustment.   In no way do you need to be best friends with this woman, but she is your FFIL's soon-to-be-wife.  You are not going to win any points by treating her bad.  Your FFIL was the one who committed to wife #2. It was HIS responsibility to honor his vows.   I really, really hate that all the blame is put on the other woman.   

    Think of it this way,  how would you feel if she excluded only you from events but included your husband?   i  would hope your FI would support you, just like FFIL is supporting his soon-to-be-wife.

    That said, he has no right to demand her to be in the wedding.  He did cross the line there.  You are under no obligation to have her in the wedding. It's ridiculous that he even made such a suggestion.

    Again you do not have to be best buddies or even buddies.  However, you do need to stop calling her the home wrecker and excluding her when you are including your FFIL.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    CMGragainthespeshulestsnowflakeSP29[Deleted User]
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited May 2015
    All the drama you have posted has nothing to do with your question.

    YES, you have to invite your FFIL's fiance to your wedding. Get her a corsage. Grow up.
    Since you are Catholic, you should remember that Jesus didn't throw stones.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29JuneKnottie
  • scribe95 said:
    It's always easier to blame the new person and not the loved family member but he is as much responsible for the cheating as this woman. 
      

    This x 1000....speaking as a person who was cheated on, I would always get mad at the other woman...it was always her fault. It made forgiving ex-H and trying to make my marriage work easier. It wasn't until I realized he was just as much to blame, takes two to tango, that I could grow up and move on with my anger.  

    Be nice and courteous, give her a place to sit by her FI, a corsage would be nice too. A heads up to your FI's mom will go a long way to head off any trouble...but why she would/should care about wife #3 is her problem, not yours. 
    SP29
  • CMGragain said:

    All the drama you have posted has nothing to do with your question.

    YES, you have to invite your FFIL's fiance to your wedding. Get her a corsage. Grow up.
    Since you are Catholic, you should remember that Jesus didn't throw stones.

    Um, where did OP say she didn't want to invite FFIL's fiancé to the wedding? She didn't.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    catej22 said:
    She is not that close with us, and I see no reason for awarding this woman a prize for being a home-wrecker (she's the reason that FOG and wife #2 got divorced).  
    I'm sorry but this shit pisses me off.  Did she by force make your FI Dad leave his second wife? Like did she put a gun to his head, threaten the life of his kids/family and that is why he left his second wife?  I highly doubt it.  So stop placing blame on this woman for a CHOICE that your FFIL made.

    Stop acting like a child.  Be polite and courteous to his current FI.  She should be able to sit next to FFIL both at the ceremony and the reception.  You don't have to get her a corsage/nosegay but it would be a nice gesture.  If your FI is wanting to maintain a relationship with his Father, then being shitty to his current SO at this time would just cause a lot of tension.  You are marrying into this family and you may not like everyone.  But the least you could do is be cordial and polite, you know, like an adult.

    novella1186redoryxSP29
  • kaos16kaos16 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    catej22 said:
    To start - a little background information on my fiance and myself.  His parents divorced (in quite the messy fashion) when he was about 7 years old.  His dad has since remarried, divorced again, and now newly engaged to someone whom everyone else in the family (myself included) cannot stand.  His mom never remarried.  His mom hates her ex-husband's current choice in mate so much that we've all been afraid to tell her he got engaged.  We actually still have no clarification on whether or not she knows.  My parents have been married for almost 38 years, so this whole blended and re-blended family situation is completely foreign to me.

    My main question - how much should I include the father of the groom's SO?  They haven't been really part of the planning process at all.  We don't necessarily have the best relationship with her.  Recently she said something about wanting us to give her grandkids already, and my fiance responded (in much more colorful language than I would use) that our children would NEVER call her "grandma."  She also been known to bash our religion (we're practicing Catholics and my mom was a nun - like in the Sound Of Music) to my face.  That being said, the father of the groom wants his fiance included in everything to the same level as the MOB ant the MOG.  We asked that she not attend our menu tasting (we would have had to pay extra for her as our 6 seats for the tasting were included as part of our package).  He threw a fit, and my fiance and he argued for a week.  Over a dinner.  The FOG recently asked if his fiance was in the wedding, to which I said to my fiance: "ABSOLUTELY NOT!"  We have already assigned the readings and the other tasks during the ceremony, and it would be rude to have her escorted in with the mothers since she is neither of our mothers or a step mother to us.  Not to mention, it's a Catholic ceremony, and since she has formally renounced the Faith (part of her reasoning in bashing it to my face), we cannot have her be part of the ceremony without getting in serious trouble ourselves.

    Where do I draw the line?  My mom thought it would be nice to give her a corsage and to have her announced at the reception with the FOG - which could be tricky considering we don't know if the MOG knows about the engagement.  The fact that the FOG is acting like a child over this makes me want to not give her anything at all.  She is not that close with us, and I see no reason for awarding this woman a prize for being a home-wrecker (she's the reason that FOG and wife #2 got divorced).  On the other hand, I want to keep the peace for the sake of my fiance, who so desperately seeks his dad's approval that he'll sacrifice his own happiness to do whatever his dad wants.  Any suggestions on how to handle this crazy situation?
    While I don't think anyone should be hiding their engagement, because who really cares. . . . you are all adults.  If they are announced at the reception it can just be by name without reference to their relationship. I have never heard people described as wife, fiance, husband, fiancee, gf, bf at a reception when announced.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Your FI's reactions to this woman are awfully dramatic and childish. It seems like he's still harboring some resentment toward his father. That coupled with your description that he desperately seeks his father's approval is concerning. Are you sure that he's dealt with the issues from the divorce? 

    You (and your FI) need to apologize to FFIL and his FI for excluding her from the tasting. Get them both bouts/corsages and put them in the front row of the ceremony. If they need to be introduced, introduce them by their first and last names.

    From here on, you both should work on being polite and respectful with this woman. You don't have to love her, but there's no reason to treat her badly or call her names. 
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Agree so much with the above.

    This woman is your FFIL's spouse- and she should be treated as such. 

    FMIL should know beforehand if the engagement is going to negatively affect her, so she can process it, but that's her issue to deal with, not yours. 

    FFIL's FI does not need to be included in the wedding by any means, except as FFIL's SO. So she should get to walk in with him and sit with him for the ceremony and reception. A corsage would be a nice gesture. As for announcing- one solution is to not announce parents at the reception- they do not require any special announcement, verbally or on paper, unless they are hosting the wedding. 

    Unless your FI wants to cut his relationship with his father (sounds like he doesn't), then both of you will need to be a bit more kind to this woman- she's going to be around at gatherings for the foreseeable future. No, you don't have to like her, but be respectful. 
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