Etiquette

Your Opinion Here: Who should really pay?

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Re: Your Opinion Here: Who should really pay?

  • If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to pay for the big party that you want to come with your marriage ceremony. 

    The part that makes you married is the ceremony and you can get that done for the cost of the license and whatever sort of officiant you would like.  I will estimate $200 - it varies by state/country.  You are exactly the same amount of married for $200 as you are for $2000 as you are for $20,000 as you are for $200,000.

    So if you decide that you want a party to go with the marriage, then just like any other party you throw (graduation party, birthday party, baby shower, dinner party), you throw the party that YOU can afford because it's your party and your responsibility.  That might mean having to make choices like having a very small party with only a few people eating cake and punch in a park or waiting to get married until you've saved enough money to have the wedding ceremony and reception.

    But no one is responsible for it except the two individuals getting married.  There should be no expectation on any one else to pay for anything, nor should they be asked to contribute.  If they want to give of their own free-will, so be it.
    lc07OliveOilsMomHeffalumpPrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited June 2015
    aliwis000 said:
    Adults pay for their own things. If adults want to get married, adults pay for it themselves. They don't ask mommy and daddy to pay for the wedding that they want to have. That being said, if someone offers to pay - they can choose to accept or decline. But they also have to accept the consequences of inviting people into the planning of the wedding. 
    This. I honestly roll my eyes ANY time others help pay for the wedding.

    SITB

    Question: why is it any of your business whether anyone helps pay for someone else's wedding?  The only persons whose business it is are the couple and whoever else is contributing.  If the couple choose to accept someone else's financial assistance, that's their right provided they accept the strings-not something for you to roll your eyes about.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its

    I do think that if parents give money towards a wedding, they should stipulate that guests be well hosted. You know, not being forced outside in 95+ degrees with humidity. But that's just me.
    How dare you agree that parents are allowed to damned such awful strings attached to their money.    A comfortable setting for their guests? That is just an over-the-top request of someone giving money.    






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • lyndausvi said:

    I do think that if parents give money towards a wedding, they should stipulate that guests be well hosted. You know, not being forced outside in 95+ degrees with humidity. But that's just me.
    How dare you agree that parents are allowed to damned such awful strings attached to their money.    A comfortable setting for their guests? That is just an over-the-top request of someone giving money.    
    You don't know my lyfe!!!
    lyndausviKnottie91379610OliveOilsMom
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If two people want to get married, they should pay for the wedding themselves. If someone offers to chip in, that's great.

    Knottie91379610
  • FI and I were prepared to pay for everything ourselves, but then his mom and my dad offered to contribute, so we ended up only paying for half of it. And then, when my grandpa passed away a few months ago, I found out that he told my mom and aunt that he wanted to contribute $1k as well, so my aunt wrote a check. It was a wonderful surprise.



    My mother does not make much money. She makes a little above minimum wage. I would be so pissed off if someone decided to judge her because she didn't 'contribute to my wedding.' It's her freaking money. She is allowed to spend it however she wants and I am most definitely not asking her for anything. I wouldn't even think to do something like that.


    My mom too. She really wanted to be able to contribute financially, but she is on a fixed income. I'd be pissed if anyone judged her for not contributing financially, especially when she is doing SO MUCH for me in other ways (all of which she volunteered to do with zero prompting from me) - she made the flower girl dresses, she helped me make monogrammed cosmetic bags for my BMs (let's be honest, she made them with direction from me), she illustrated a coloring book for the kids at the wedding with drawings of us doing things we enjoy, made the ring bearer pillow and flower girl baskets, she did calligraphy for my invitations, took in my wedding dress, and offered to do any alterations for bridal party members. So yeah, if someone judged her for not contributing money, I'd be ragey. She has done SO damn much to help, and I literally would have gone crazy if she had not offered up her talents. There are other ways people help that have no dollar amount tied to them.

    When I got engaged the first (and only?) time I told my mom. The first thing she said was that she wouldn't be able to help financially but she would love to help with the flowers because she loves flowers. I laughed and told her I wasn't asking for money, just telling her about a happy moment. She looked relived and then got excited about the actual wedding and the planning. Though to be honest I was a little disappointed that she would think I was that kind of a person because I never asked for money - even when I was in college. The only exception was when the breaks on my truck went and my emergency fund was bled dry (from rent) and I was in college and had no way of obtaining the money. I paid her back later. But in this situation I would really reconsider the relationship I had with a person if they judged my hard working mom for not contributing to a wedding. They'd get some stern words and a finger up in the air waving at them.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    madamerwinOliveOilsMom
  • I do think that if parents give money towards a wedding, they should stipulate that guests be well hosted. You know, not being forced outside in 95+ degrees with humidity. But that's just me.
    BUT THERE ARE PEDOPHILES!!!
    You say this lightly and that is incredibly insulting. I was a victim from a guest that decided to take advantage of someone's many rooms and enclosed spaces. This was someone I thought I could trust, a relative. 

    But of course, these things don't happen at all, until it happens to you, right? 

  • Again, I will say this, as I've said it dozens of times already. Ladies, the guests will be hosted in the fellowship hall if the heat is too much! I am not forcing our guests to do anything like that! I am not a cruel person, and I love my family and friends! We will be outside only if the temps drop to about 80-85 after 6:00, and even then, we're going to be completely shaded, so it will feel more like 75-80. And that's only for the first 30 minutes, because temps are expected to drop more after 6:30! 

    Please, I've already addressed this issue. I've already answered your questions respectfully. Is this truly how you treat a stranger you hardly know? That's unfathomable. 
  • Also, I agree with multiple posters that no family should feel they are obligated to pay for it. I never asked my mom and dad to pay for anything, they just went ahead and did it. I knew they wouldn't do it unless they felt financially stable. My mom was a banker and was in charge of the finances with a non-for-profit, so she is extremely budget savy. The first thing we did was sit down and go over a budget. 

    We then informed my fiance's parents of what we were doing, because they wanted to contribute, but didn't know how. We just showed them what our budget was and what we would like to do, and they came up with their own. Then, fiance and I threw in our own budget with what we will contribute. 

    In the end, everyone was happy. We knew our limits and did not step outside of them. Every family is different, but this worked for us! I know many of you ladies paid entirely out of pocket for your wedding, and that's incredible! I also know girls who got married and their parents paid for it entirely, (and although I wouldn't personally make that decision) I don't think any less of them. I advise other brides and say, do what makes you and your family comfortable, and be open and communicate what your plans are, so everyone is on the same paged and no one feels obliged to pay for something they can't afford. I wouldn't wish for anyone to put themselves in debt. 
    SP29kimmiinthemitten

  • Again, I will say this, as I've said it dozens of times already. Ladies, the guests will be hosted in the fellowship hall if the heat is too much! I am not forcing our guests to do anything like that! I am not a cruel person, and I love my family and friends! We will be outside only if the temps drop to about 80-85 after 6:00, and even then, we're going to be completely shaded, so it will feel more like 75-80. And that's only for the first 30 minutes, because temps are expected to drop more after 6:30! 

    Please, I've already addressed this issue. I've already answered your questions respectfully. Is this truly how you treat a stranger you hardly know? That's unfathomable. 
    To the first bolded, I like the heat in the summer, but that sounds miserable. Heat outside in the summer sounds miserable in formal wear. Your wedding might not be formal, but anything I would wear to a wedding would be miserable in this situation. I do not want to sweat in my nice clothes.

    To the second bolded:
    image
    OliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLost
  • edited June 2015

    Again, I will say this, as I've said it dozens of times already. Ladies, the guests will be hosted in the fellowship hall if the heat is too much! I am not forcing our guests to do anything like that! I am not a cruel person, and I love my family and friends! We will be outside only if the temps drop to about 80-85 after 6:00, and even then, we're going to be completely shaded, so it will feel more like 75-80. And that's only for the first 30 minutes, because temps are expected to drop more after 6:30! 

    Please, I've already addressed this issue. I've already answered your questions respectfully. Is this truly how you treat a stranger you hardly know? That's unfathomable. 
    To the first bolded, I like the heat in the summer, but that sounds miserable. Heat outside in the summer sounds miserable in formal wear. Your wedding might not be formal, but anything I would wear to a wedding would be miserable in this situation. I do not want to sweat in my nice clothes.

    To the second bolded:
    image

    That's fine, we all have our preferences, and I respect that. If you were invited, you have the freedom to decline my invitation. I am not forcing you to go. 

    So you don't care how you treat strangers online. You must be great to meet in person.
  • edited June 2015

    Again, I will say this, as I've said it dozens of times already. Ladies, the guests will be hosted in the fellowship hall if the heat is too much! I am not forcing our guests to do anything like that! I am not a cruel person, and I love my family and friends! We will be outside only if the temps drop to about 80-85 after 6:00, and even then, we're going to be completely shaded, so it will feel more like 75-80. And that's only for the first 30 minutes, because temps are expected to drop more after 6:30! 

    Please, I've already addressed this issue. I've already answered your questions respectfully. Is this truly how you treat a stranger you hardly know? That's unfathomable. 
    To the first bolded, I like the heat in the summer, but that sounds miserable. Heat outside in the summer sounds miserable in formal wear. Your wedding might not be formal, but anything I would wear to a wedding would be miserable in this situation. I do not want to sweat in my nice clothes.

    To the second bolded:
    image

    That's fine, we all have our preferences, and I respect that. If you were invited, you have the freedom to decline my invitation. I am not forcing you to go. 

    So you don't care how you treat strangers online. You must be great to meet in person.


    boxboxboxboxboxboxboxboxboxboxboxboxboxboxboxboxboxboxbox


    Seriously, hon, please go stand outside in your wedding dress for a few hours one evening. Please. I was way past the 'glow' stage and just plain sweating in my gown while in an air-conditioned church the whole time at my wedding. In June. In NC. It sounds like AR has similar summer heat/humidity issues.
    image
    thespeshulestsnowflakeOliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLost
  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2015
    So I just spent several hours outside, under a tent, in a shady area. It was in the low-mid 80s. Within 10 minutes, I started to feel uncomfortable. By the 20 minute mark, my neck started getting a little sweaty. When it got to the 30 minute mark, I actually started to get light-headed. I was dressed in a lightweight t-shirt and shorts. I cannot imagine how I would feel if I was wearing dress clothes. It did not drop to a tolerable temperature until just after 8pm. I spent most of my summers in tropical climates (South Florida and SE Asia), so I'm "used to" heat and humidity. I still would be miserable if I was stuck outside in these conditions while wearing fancy clothes because someone prioritized their wedding vision over guest comfort.
    ~*~*~*~*~

    PrettyGirlLost
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited June 2015
    When I married in 1976, my mother paid for our simple church wedding and cake and punch reception.  My husband's family was very wealthy.  They contributed nothing, but FMIL insisted that I use vendors that were connected with FFIL's business.  I almost decided to elope.

    When my SIL was married, the year before, it was the biggest, most lavish wedding ever seen.  They couple simply assumed that all of it would be paid for by the bride's family.  Orchids and gardenias lined the church aisles.  Dinner was at the country club with live band and full open bar.  There was NO budget.  Some of those bills did not get paid.  FFIL had to resign from the club.

    When my daughter was married, four years ago, we offered to pay for the wedding and reception.  It was not expected.  This was our gift to her.  I helped her work within a reasonable budget.  She had a church ceremony with a brunch reception at a nearby country club.  Not lavish, but quite elegant.  The grooms family  did not have the financial resources that we do, and we never asked them for monetary help.  That would have been so rude!

    There is no rule about who should pay for what.  You should not expect others to pay for your wedding, but if they offer, be suitably grateful.  The worst thing you can do is to plan a wedding that you cannot afford, and expect others to pay for it.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    Knottie91379610SP29
  • CMGragain said:
    When I married in 1976, my mother paid for our simple church wedding and cake and punch reception.  My husband's family was very wealthy.  They contributed nothing, but FMIL insisted that I use vendors that were connected with FFIL's business.  I almost decided to elope.

    When my SIL was married, the year before, it was the biggest, most lavish wedding ever seen.  They couple simply assumed that all of it would be paid for by the bride's family.  Orchids and gardenias lined the church aisles.  Dinner was at the country club with live band and full open bar.  There was NO budget.  Some of those bills did not get paid.  FFIL had to resign from the club.

    When my daughter was married, four years ago, we offered to pay for the wedding and reception.  It was not expected.  This was our gift to her.  I helped her work within a reasonable budget.  She had a church ceremony with a brunch reception at a nearby country club.  Not lavish, but quite elegant.  The grooms family  did not have the financial resources that we do, and we never asked them for monetary help.  That would have been so rude!

    There is no rule about who should pay for what.  You should not expect others to pay for your wedding, but if they offer, be suitably grateful.  The worst thing you can do is to plan a wedding that you cannot afford, and expect others to pay for it.
    Love it! That was very kind of you. And you're completely right :) 
  • We were going to pay for our own wedding, which would have been a very small one.  My mother gifted me with a check and told me to have what I wanted.  I tried to decline until my sister pulled me aside and told me to shut up and let her give it to us.  It was very generous of her.
    Knottie91379610kimmiinthemitten
  • We would never expect my parents to dish out.  This was tradition many years ago, when weddings didn't cost 20-30k.  My parents are helping us out with some of the vendors (photography, DJ, etc.), and his parents are paying the officiant and for the rehearsal dinner. They are also going to pitch in money to help pay for the actual wedding.
    Knottie91379610
  • Also, I agree with multiple posters that no family should feel they are obligated to pay for it. I never asked my mom and dad to pay for anything, they just went ahead and did it. I knew they wouldn't do it unless they felt financially stable. My mom was a banker and was in charge of the finances with a non-for-profit, so she is extremely budget savy. The first thing we did was sit down and go over a budget. 

    We then informed my fiance's parents of what we were doing, because they wanted to contribute, but didn't know how. We just showed them what our budget was and what we would like to do, and they came up with their own. Then, fiance and I threw in our own budget with what we will contribute. 

    In the end, everyone was happy. We knew our limits and did not step outside of them. Every family is different, but this worked for us! I know many of you ladies paid entirely out of pocket for your wedding, and that's incredible! I also know girls who got married and their parents paid for it entirely, (and although I wouldn't personally make that decision) I don't think any less of them. I advise other brides and say, do what makes you and your family comfortable, and be open and communicate what your plans are, so everyone is on the same paged and no one feels obliged to pay for something they can't afford. I wouldn't wish for anyone to put themselves in debt. 


    Boxes?
    You can't come up with a budget by "informing" or "showing" your FILs and THEN adding in what you yourself want to pay. They wanted to contribute but didn't know how? Sounds like they just didn't want to contribute and you put them in an awkward position. You defending your actions is like the people that defend honeyfunds. Adults know how to write checks to other adults.


    [Deleted User]
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    Again, I will say this, as I've said it dozens of times already. Ladies, the guests will be hosted in the fellowship hall if the heat is too much! I am not forcing our guests to do anything like that! I am not a cruel person, and I love my family and friends! We will be outside only if the temps drop to about 80-85 after 6:00, THAT'S STILL TOO HOT IF IT'S HUMID!!  and even then, we're going to be completely shaded, so it will feel more like 75-80.   Still too damn hot to be milling about for hours in nice attire.  And that's only for the first 30 minutes, because temps are expected to drop more after 6:30! Where on Earth are you seeing this?  This doesn't seem to be true at all, not when taking into account the local weather trends from last week and this week into account: http://www.accuweather.com/en/us/little-rock-ar/72201/daily-weather-forecast/326862?day=6

    I don't believe that there's that much of a significant difference in temps between your town and Little Rock.

    Please, I've already addressed this issue. I've already answered your questions respectfully. Is this truly how you treat a stranger you hardly know? That's unfathomable. 


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • A wedding is no different than anything else in life that is unnecessary (i.e. not food, water, shelter, etc.) and costs money. And as with everything else in life, some of us have other people who have money and want to give that money to us, and others don't. Lots of people's parents buy them a car. Lots of people have to buy their own car if they want one, or take the bus if they can't afford one. Lots of people's parents pay their rent. Lots of people have to pay their own rent, or live at home or get a ton of roommates if they can't afford it. 

    It's not just about if someone's parents have money or not. It's about how those parents choose to spend the money. If they want to pay for your wedding, fine. If they don't, fine. It's not their job to pay for your wedding any more than it is their job to buy you a car or a house or a pair of designer shoes you really want. 

    No one deserves or is owed a wedding anymore than anyone deserves or is owed a car or designer shoes. If no one offers to get it for you, you get it for yourself (or not). 
    Knottie91379610chloe97SP29
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    MandyMost said:
    A wedding is no different than anything else in life that is unnecessary (i.e. not food, water, shelter, etc.) and costs money. And as with everything else in life, some of us have other people who have money and want to give that money to us, and others don't. Lots of people's parents buy them a car. Lots of people have to buy their own car if they want one, or take the bus if they can't afford one. Lots of people's parents pay their rent. Lots of people have to pay their own rent, or live at home or get a ton of roommates if they can't afford it. 

    It's not just about if someone's parents have money or not. It's about how those parents choose to spend the money. If they want to pay for your wedding, fine. If they don't, fine. It's not their job to pay for your wedding any more than it is their job to buy you a car or a house or a pair of designer shoes you really want. 

    No one deserves or is owed a wedding anymore than anyone deserves or is owed a car or designer shoes. If no one offers to get it for you, you get it for yourself (or not). 
    I agree with your point. But, remember a wedding can be big or small. Expensive or inexpensive. All you need for a wedding is two people who love each other, an officiant, and a marriage license. A wedding is not just a big fancy party, it's the actual legal ceremony.
    image
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  • MandyMost said:
    A wedding is no different than anything else in life that is unnecessary (i.e. not food, water, shelter, etc.) and costs money. And as with everything else in life, some of us have other people who have money and want to give that money to us, and others don't. Lots of people's parents buy them a car. Lots of people have to buy their own car if they want one, or take the bus if they can't afford one. Lots of people's parents pay their rent. Lots of people have to pay their own rent, or live at home or get a ton of roommates if they can't afford it. 

    It's not just about if someone's parents have money or not. It's about how those parents choose to spend the money. If they want to pay for your wedding, fine. If they don't, fine. It's not their job to pay for your wedding any more than it is their job to buy you a car or a house or a pair of designer shoes you really want. 

    No one deserves or is owed a wedding anymore than anyone deserves or is owed a car or designer shoes. If no one offers to get it for you, you get it for yourself (or not). 
    I agree with your point. But, remember a wedding can be big or small. Expensive or inexpensive. All you need for a wedding is two people who love each other, an officiant, and a marriage license. A wedding is not just a big fancy party, it's the actual legal ceremony.

    That's basically my point. Just like a home could be a studio apartment, or a 1-bedroom ranch, or a giant mansion. Or your transportation could be a bus pass, a used car, or a porsche. You get what you can afford that's closest to what you really want. And it's great if someone offers to buy you a porsche when you can only afford a scooter, but you don't deserve it in any way.
    [Deleted User]
  • Okay, I get that! I guess it's a little culutural difference thrown in I guess. I am Puerto Rican, and in my parent's weddings, both families are expected to contribute to help out as well as the couple. We call people who sponsor things, like paying for the cake, or the wedding shoes, "madrinas/padrinos" (godmothers/godfathers). I understand my fiance and I come from two different cultural backgrounds, and I totally get it; a lot of our wedding money is coming from our own pocket though. My mother decided to also help us financially and sponsor quite a few things, because that is what she thinks is proper etiquette. In retrospect, it's funny comparing hispanic expectations to American expectations, because from what I know about traditional American weddings the fact that a family wouldn't contribute anything at all would be considered very rude and borderline offensive. But we can learn from each other right? I am one for balance, so my personal opinion is the bride and groom should pay for whatever they can afford and the families should find something to pitch in with. But, I understand what you ladies are saying! As long as both parties are in agreement and their are no hurt feelings, then do what you will financially. To heck with tradition if you must, or follow it to a tee. Whatever works!


    ----------------------------BOXES--------------------------------------

    I'm Puerto Rican too; I've been to many weddings for my Puerto Rican family members, and this is not a Puerto Rican thing. This might be a your family thing, but to say it's cultural would be innacurate. My family gets together to DIY stuff. We're fortunate that we have dressmakers in the family who make wedding dresses; we all like to help decorate and stuff, but never once has it ever been expected that the family of the bride or groom pays for the wedding. There is no payment tradition. I always assumed that ws actually an American thing.

    randomsloveredwoodoriginal[Deleted User]
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