H Wants to Start TTC...

loveislouder · June 2015

And I'm terrified. Be warned... this is a vent and probably belongs on LiveJournal.

Like, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I would like to bring a little one into the world. But I'm horrified of being pregnant. All the things that happen to your body, the changes that happen. They're terrifying.

I'm the first in my circle of friends to be married and think about babies, so when I try to talk to them about it they keep telling me I'm too young. One literally quoted Papa Don't Preach by Madonna. I don't want to talk to my parents because I don't want to get their hopes up for a grandbaby.

My go-to "adult" for advice (adult in quotes because I'm also an adult... she's just an older adult and is like a wise owl) said that I'm only terrified because my generation is the selfish generation and while I may not be part of the selfish side, I'm probably more scared of losing my freedom than anything else.

Yes, I'm scared of the things we're going to sacrifice for the little one. But what I'm really scared of? Being the people responsible for a little person and making sure they survive. What if I feed it someone it's allergic to and it dies? What if I drop it?! What if it hates us? What if H sees baby coming out of me and never wants to touch me again?

So to all you Knot Mamas and Dads, am I over reacting? Is this something ya'll felt too?

STARMOON44 · June 2015

If it helps, all sorts of real dumb and uncaring people manage to not kill their babies. I get it, being a parent is in many ways about worrying, but your baby isn't going to hate you, if you drop it you'll pick it up, and if some freak accident kills it you'll be forever changed by that tragic event, but there's nothing you can do about that.

But if you're worried and young wait! You don't have to have a baby now if you still feel like you're wrapping your head around it.

huskypuppy14 · June 2015

Question: how old are you?

I'm 32 almost 33 and my husband just turned 37. We are about to start trying and this is the right time for us. Yeah, I'm a little scared about the bodily changes and whatnot, but people do it all the ti me and live to tell about it.

If you think you're not ready, then wait. But I think everyone is a little bit terrified of having a baby.

I also think your go to adult was pretty rude. I'm sick of hearing our generation is selfish. I'm assuming you are a bit younger than me, so I'm on the old side of the Millennial generation, but it's just not true. There are SS in all generations, as we well know from this site.

I actually truly believe our generation will change our country. That's a discussion for a different day, though.

loveislouder said:

And I'm terrified. Be warned... this is a vent and probably belongs on LiveJournal.

Like, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I would like to bring a little one into the world. But I'm horrified of being pregnant. All the things that happen to your body, the changes that happen. They're terrifying.

I'm the first in my circle of friends to be married and think about babies, so when I try to talk to them about it they keep telling me I'm too young. One literally quoted Papa Don't Preach by Madonna. I don't want to talk to my parents because I don't want to get their hopes up for a grandbaby.

My go-to "adult" for advice (adult in quotes because I'm also an adult... she's just an older adult and is like a wise owl) said that I'm only terrified because my generation is the selfish generation and while I may not be part of the selfish side, I'm probably more scared of losing my freedom than anything else.

Yes, I'm scared of the things we're going to sacrifice for the little one. But what I'm really scared of? Being the people responsible for a little person and making sure they survive. What if I feed it someone it's allergic to and it dies? What if I drop it?! What if it hates us? What if H sees baby coming out of me and never wants to touch me again?

So to all you Knot Mamas and Dads, am I over reacting? Is this something ya'll felt too?

loveislouder · June 2015

We're almost 25. But Doc says trying sooner rather than later is a good decision due to my family history.

Maggie0829 · June 2015

I'm not even TTC and all of that stuff you mentioned freaks me out. So I think your reaction and worry and stress is 100% normal. But I also think it is great that you are worried about those things because it tells me that you will be a good parent because a parent is supposed to worry about their child (well hopefully they do). Having a child is a huge, life changing thing, but you just have to trust yourself and realize that crap may happen but it will be okay. One is never truly ready to have a baby, whether it be emotionally, financially or mentally so to wait until you are fully ready will probably never happen (or at least that is what my Mom tells me). So you just have to decide if the nerves you feel are more like nerves of the unknown or nerves of the "I really don't want to have a baby" kind. If it is the latter then having a baby now is probably not the best idea. But if it is the former, well I think being nervous of the unknown is normal and you just have to focus more on the excitement of what having a child will bring.

southernbelle0915 · June 2015

I'm pregnant and I'm still feeling like that. We slept in on Sunday and I cried because I'm dreading these carefree days ending and being "on call" 24/7. I'm trying to squeeze every moment of loud sex in while we can. Ours was a planned pregnancy and I'm all in, but I think it's normal to feel a little sad about the things you'll sacrifice.

I was fucking terrified to go through pregnancy. Terrified. It's not nearly as bad as I imagined/been told. The worst part for me is getting up in the night to pee and lower back pain. Now I'm terrified to deliver - oh my god I'm passing a HUMAN through my cervix...and excuse me, how many centimeters?! But hopefully it'll be like pregnancy - not as bad as I imagined/have been told.

I think worries parenting and feeling anxious never really go away. Like "am I doing this right?" "what if we screw up?" The answers are "not all the time" and "you will". If parents think they're right 100% of the time or that they know everything, they're probably doing something wrong.

I think the bigger question is whether you feel like you and your H have had enough "you" time, checked things off your pre-child to do lists, etc. I wish we had taken one more big trip.

MyNameIsNot · June 2015

loveislouder said:

Yes, I'm scared of the things we're going to sacrifice for the little one. But what I'm really scared of? Being the people responsible for a little person and making sure they survive. What if I feed it someone it's allergic to and it dies? What if I drop it?! What if it hates us? What if H sees baby coming out of me and never wants to touch me again?

I don't have kids, but literally every single one of my friends who has had kids expressed something similar to this at some point during or before pregnancy. Even the ones who are way too old to be considered millennials.

I don't think it's a function of your generation or your age, or that you aren't ready for kids. I'd be more concerned if you thought having a baby would be easy or that it wouldn't change everything.

KatWAG · June 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

I'm pregnant and I'm still feeling like that. We slept in on Sunday and I cried because I'm dreading these carefree days ending and being "on call" 24/7. I'm trying to squeeze every moment of loud sex in while we can. Ours was a planned pregnancy and I'm all in, but I think it's normal to feel a little sad about the things you'll sacrifice.

I was fucking terrified to go through pregnancy. Terrified. It's not nearly as bad as I imagined/been told. The worst part for me is getting up in the night to pee and lower back pain. Now I'm terrified to deliver - oh my god I'm passing a HUMAN through my cervix...and excuse me, how many centimeters?! But hopefully it'll be like pregnancy - not as bad as I imagined/have been told.

I think worries parenting and feeling anxious never really go away. Like "am I doing this right?" "what if we screw up?" The answers are "not all the time" and "you will". If parents think they're right 100% of the time or that they know everything, they're probably doing something wrong.

I think the bigger question is whether you feel like you and your H have had enough "you" time, checked things off your pre-child to do lists, etc. I wish we had taken one more big trip.

You can still have loud sex! Newborns sleep through everything and once they are older, just turn on a white noise machine.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

1000% normal things to be feeling and ditto to everything PP said. I was 26, going on 27 when I had my son (he's almost 3 now!). Our pregnancy was not planned, and sure there are times I think of things I wish we could have done before getting pregnant, but it has all been worth it.

Pregnancy (and delivery) is different for everyone. No one knows what they're doing when they're a new parent, and no one (no matter what they tell you) is 100% ready.

The parenting part you and your H will figure out as you go, it's just part of the process!

novella1186 · June 2015

loveislouder said:

Yes, I'm scared of the things we're going to sacrifice for the little one. But what I'm really scared of? Being the people responsible for a little person and making sure they survive. What if I feed it someone it's allergic to and it dies? What if I drop it?!

So, that same thing freaks me out too (or used to) and we were at a family party where people were talking about me being "next in line" in our family to have kids. I mentioned "but what if I drop it or something?" to which all the adults in the room responded with a story of a time they fucked up as a parent.

This was when I learned that my dad dropped my sister-- when she was an infant-- on her head, down a flight of cement stairs. She bounced. She cried. She ended up being ok (after a trip to the ER).

I was ditched at O'Hare airport when I was 4. My dad thought I was with my aunt; my aunt thought my dad had me. Cut to 4-year-old me running through the terminal screaming. They found me. I ended up being ok.

Aunt set her daughter on the edge of the kitchen counter and she fell and split her lip.

My grandma accidentally left soap in a cup once and her son was puking his guts out from it.

Literally every single parent in the room had these stories of times they fucked up, but their kid turned out ok. Even H's parents tell me horror stories of times they fucked up when H and his sister were little. Parents are just people. They can-- and will-- fuck up. I guess it's a learning process. I'm sure they try their best not to but shit happens.

You'll probably also fuck up, but that's why kids are durable (and also why so many safety mechanisms exist). One thing I've learned is that being scared of what you might do wrong is not ever going to benefit you. It's good to be aware of things and be cautious, but don't be terrified that you could make a mistake, cuz you will, and it will be ok.

redheadbride15 · June 2015

I agree with @huskypuppy14 about the "selfish generation" comment from your go-to adult being inappropriate. The pope has recently championed this and since then I see a lot of my parents' generation bringing it up in conversations. (For the record, I have a great deal of respect for everything else the current pope seems to stand for, but this one is a little silly). Your fears are normal, not selfish. If you feel like you need a bit more time then by all means you have the right to ask that of your H (this should be a joint decision, after all).

sarahufl · June 2015

I think anyone who isn't at least a little freaked of pregnancy hasn't truly considered the entire picture. I mean, you are making a person- that is a lot of responsibility! I say it is normal.

I am, frankly, terrified of pregnancy. Mostly because my last one resulted in an emergency surgery from which I am still recovering, but for many other reasons- lots of which you listed.

We want kids and are actively TTC, but I won't lie and say I am not scared about the possibility. Have kids when you are ready, but don't wait until you are 1 million percent ready because I don't think that is a thing.

loveislouder · June 2015

Thanks guys. You've made me feel a lot better

It's not that I don't want a baby because I really do. I'm just glad my fears are 100% normal.

monkeysip · June 2015

KatWAG said

You can still have loud sex! Newborns sleep through everything and once they are older, just turn on a white noise machine.

Lol, speak for your baby! DD doesn't sleep through anything!

OP, I don't know what to tell you. As someone who went through a very difficult pregnancy, birth, and postpartum, I don't want to sugarcoat it. Although I know people too who had easy pregnancies, births, and had amazingly well-behaved babies that slept normally and didn't cry all the time. Who knows which experience you will have. But I will tell you that if you WANT a child, and you feel moderately ready and healthy in most regards, then it's worth it. I love DD more than anything. Even though she drives me crazy sometimes, and I long for the days of getting a decent amount of sleep, she's a blessing in my life. That's all I can really say.

banana468 · June 2015

KatWAG said:

southernbelle0915 said:

I'm pregnant and I'm still feeling like that. We slept in on Sunday and I cried because I'm dreading these carefree days ending and being "on call" 24/7. I'm trying to squeeze every moment of loud sex in while we can. Ours was a planned pregnancy and I'm all in, but I think it's normal to feel a little sad about the things you'll sacrifice.

I was fucking terrified to go through pregnancy. Terrified. It's not nearly as bad as I imagined/been told. The worst part for me is getting up in the night to pee and lower back pain. Now I'm terrified to deliver - oh my god I'm passing a HUMAN through my cervix...and excuse me, how many centimeters?! But hopefully it'll be like pregnancy - not as bad as I imagined/have been told.

I think worries parenting and feeling anxious never really go away. Like "am I doing this right?" "what if we screw up?" The answers are "not all the time" and "you will". If parents think they're right 100% of the time or that they know everything, they're probably doing something wrong.

I think the bigger question is whether you feel like you and your H have had enough "you" time, checked things off your pre-child to do lists, etc. I wish we had taken one more big trip.

You can still have loud sex! Newborns sleep through everything and once they are older, just turn on a white noise machine.

Or you think they're sleeping and instead you hear your toddler mimicking your sex noises when the morning romp is over.

That happened to a friend of mine...

doeydo · June 2015

I don't want kids, but if I did, personally, I could not handle pregnancy or giving birth. I appreciate "the miracle or life" and all that, but I would absolutely hate experiencing it. I would have to adopt or get a surrogate or something.
I'm not sure anyone ever feels 100% confident that they are ready to be parents, but most of those people go on to be good or great parents. If you do have kids, I am sure you will figure it out and everything will be just fine.

sunset30 · June 2015

It's an exciting and scary decision you're entering into; but I would say that I went through very similar questions and doubts and I think many people do. I have a 10 week old baby (our first) and yes, your life does change in so many ways that we never imagined or could have prepared for. A few notes about what you said and my experiences. As everyone said, every woman, couple, baby, and pregnancy is different and there are no guarantees. But, here are my experiences:

1.) The changes to your body don't necessarily have to be horrifying or terrifying. In a lot of ways, they're pretty cool to have a person grow inside of you. Your body doesn't necessarily have to be destroyed. I started at 125 pounds; gained 28 and am now 8 pounds above where I started. I don't have stretch marks or anything like that. I watched what I ate but definitely splurged during pregnancy so its definitely doable to get your body back in a reasonable amount of time.

2.) I think the things you get scared of before hand (as you said what if I don't know if its sick or allergic or how can I keep this little person alive) aren't the things that I've found to be the hardest (though I'm only 2 months in

) Both my husband and I have said multiple times over the course of the last few weeks were that all the things we were scared of we just figured out how to take care of him and make him happy, content, etc. whereas the lack of sleep, attention he demands, lack of freedom, etc. have been the hardest.

I definintely had moments in the first few weeks (many at 3 a.m.) of what did I get myself into and I can't take it back and this wasn't at all what I expected; but as he's gotten older, more interactive and I can start telling he loves us it has become more and more rewarding. Having a supportive family (or friends or other caregiver) that you trust with the baby is also super helpful because it does allow you to do some of the things you love and have some freedom.

3.) Babies are resilient little creatures. Everyone makes mistakes and its inevitable you'll do something wrong, but they'll survive (and so will you).

Clearly it's a huge, life changing decision that you shouldn't make lightly. But, don't let your fear of your body or not being able to care for a baby stop you; I truly think that people that worry about being able to parent properly are probably the best parents because if you care enough to worry, you'll take the steps to educate yourself on babies and parenting.

Sorry for the novel!

lachattefatale · June 2015

Is your adultier adult quite a bit older? Because while her comment about the selfish generation does come off as rude, it is true that from the baby boomers onward, women have had more and more choice about when and whether to have children. Selfish isn't the right word for it, but I can see why an older person might use it.

As for your fears, I agree with pretty much all of the previous posts. Fear of this commitment and fear for your child-to-be are totally normal, but it is easier to not kill your baby than you think, and babysitters are a thing all parents should sometimes utilize. Pregnancy, child birth, and body changes will all vary from person to person, and even for the same person, it can vary from baby to baby.

No one is ever 100% ready to have a baby. In the middle of labor, I asked if we could just stop all this and go home because I was still not 100% ready at 40 weeks and 5 days. I may still not be 100% on the adult/parent thing, and he's 7 now.

Also, your friends are wrong; 25 is not too young, they are just not themselves in the right place to consider children yet. Which is okay. They just need to understand that it's also okay for you to be ready(ish) now.

CMGragain · June 2015

OP, you know I am 64, so my baby days are over. I just thought you might like a perspective from someone who has been there, done that.

My mother had narcissistic personality disorder. She was incapable of empathy. She raised me with the repeated idea that having children was the worst mistake of her life, and that eveything was wonderful until I came along. I also had to hear horrifying tales of labor and childbirth.

I was almost 30 when I had my daughter. Three days of labor followed by a caesarian birth. I would do it all over in a heartbeat! Now that I am an old lady, my children and my grandson are the most important and wonderful things in my life. All the other stuff - career, talent, looks - was nothing compared to the love I now have for my family.
Yesterday was Father's Day. My daughter, her husband and her two year old son (my grandson!) telephoned from the park where they were together. The love in that phone call was so precious, so wonderful.
Was it easy getting to this point in our lives? Hell, no. Having children changes your priorities. There are diapers, and sleepless nights. My daughter kept her figure, but I did not. I am the same person inside, but my body is different. Well, age does that, too.
It is all about love. My life, as a teenager, had very little love in it. Even on her death bed, my mother was unable to express any affection for me. My death will be different. Having my children was the best thing I ever did in my entire life. My only regret is that I would have liked another child, but it wasn't to be.
You must do what you feel is best, and you need to communicate with your husband about your fears. I was afraid I would be a terrible mother, since my own childhood was so bleak. I was wrong. I must have done something right to have my two wonderful children, now adults. I remember my husband saying "Of course you will be a good mother! You love that unlovable cat, don't you?" OK, that cat was neurotic.
If you are at all religious, this is a good time for prayer and asking for guidance. Best wishes to you. I hope your life is as filled with love as mine is.

loveislouder · June 2015

You guys are the best. It's great to get everyone's perspectives on this. I just didn't know where to turn, you know?

Bubblegum5586 · June 2015

I really enjoyed reading this thread! H and I are getting to that place but I fear we are not their financially. We purchased our house last summer so I feel secure in having a permanent home to raise a child, but I don't feel like we have enough extra income (although I am sure if we had to get serious we could cut back a decent amount of our spending!)

I think I am ready emotionally though...and what really got me there was my Nana's death and H's Grammy's death in the last year. Both of these women had 4 children that grew into 10+ grandchildren and 6+ great grandchildren at their death. Both were surrounded by their loved ones when they passed at the age of 88+... Both experiences were sad but yet so beautiful. All these people love each other so much and love the matriarch of the family and it's all because they had a few children that continues to grow and grow.

LakeR2014 · June 2015

@loveislouder we're in the same boat here. I'm older than you - about to turn 32, but am terrified of the changes that will occur to our lifestyle. However, as my husband has pointed out - change is always terrifying regardless of age or 'readiness'. His example: we know we want kids. Would we rather wait to have them because 'we're scared to possibly lose our lifestyle now' or find we're 45 and have missed the boat and then miss the parts when we're older of watching our children grow and our grandchildren grow?

Throwing onto what @bubblegum5586 said too - I'm also worried about the financial preparedness. We're comfortable now, but are we financially ready to support a child/daycare/doctors, etc. Again though - it's change, you adjust, and you make it work. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

kmmssg · June 2015

Great advice going here. I'm a mom and a Nana and you sound perfectly normal to me. Those little buggers don't come with instruction manuals but you just take care of them (it will come to you) and then they grow up and pick your nursing home.

My SILs all have kids and we have talked about how nervewracking it is and how careful you are with the first kid and then when the second kid comes it is a whole different story. One SIL is an RN and if a pacifier hit the floor with her first born she would boil it. With her second kid, she would wipe it off on her jeans and stick it back in his mouth.

We all just learn it and you will too! I think ALL of your concerns sound perfectly normal and I really dislike what your friend told you about being selfish. When your time comes, you will be a great mom.

Maggie0829 · June 2015

kmmssg said:

Great advice going here. I'm a mom and a Nana and you sound perfectly normal to me. Those little buggers don't come with instruction manuals but you just take care of them (it will come to you) and then they grow up and pick your nursing home.
My SILs all have kids and we have talked about how nervewracking it is and how careful you are with the first kid and then when the second kid comes it is a whole different story. One SIL is an RN and if a pacifier hit the floor with her first born she would boil it. With her second kid, she would wipe it off on her jeans and stick it back in his mouth.
We all just learn it and you will too! I think ALL of your concerns sound perfectly normal and I really dislike what your friend told you about being selfish. When your time comes, you will be a great mom.

This reminds me of those commercials by Luvs.

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