Matron troubles?

lovemesomemonster · June 2015

I have a question, I don't mean it to be rude I am just curious. I don't have kids, don't particularly like them, and not sure if I want them so I will be the first to admit that I'm completely in the dark with everything that has to do with having them. We see all the time on here that brides must always remember that their big life changing event is not as important to every one else, put it aside to be a good friend, not talk about it all the time, and overall be courteous and respectful of everyone around them (which I agree with). So why is it that when there is a baby involved suddenly it's OK for that person to be an ass hole? It just seems like having a kid raises that person to a different status where us kid free people have to just understand and take the brunt of any issues (being rude, late, breaking plans etc.). It just seems like a double standard to me, a wedding day is a life changing event, just like having a kid and yet a bride can't have a stressful day and be upset but a mom can?

mikenberger · June 2015

Why are you here aruging all of the reasons why you SHOULDN'T invite her?

We've given you advice on the situation and beyond. Stop arguing.

Maggie0829 · June 2015

lovemesomemonster said:

I have a question, I don't mean it to be rude I am just curious. I don't have kids, don't particularly like them, and not sure if I want them so I will be the first to admit that I'm completely in the dark with everything that has to do with having them. We see all the time on here that brides must always remember that their big life changing event is not as important to every one else, put it aside to be a good friend, not talk about it all the time, and overall be courteous and respectful of everyone around them (which I agree with). So why is it that when there is a baby involved suddenly it's OK for that person to be an ass hole? It just seems like having a kid raises that person to a different status where us kid free people have to just understand and take the brunt of any issues (being rude, late, breaking plans etc.). It just seems like a double standard to me, a wedding day is a life changing event, just like having a kid and yet a bride can't have a stressful day and be upset but a mom can?

No one is saying that a parent has the right to be an asshole. We are just wondering if what this Mom is going through is more then just her having a bad attitude. The OP and this person have been friends for 20 years and through 3 kids on her friends part. So unless the friend acted like this with all of her kids then it begs to question if maybe the Mom is actually suffering from PTSD.

Or maybe the friend did act like this with all of her kids because that is just the way she is but only now does OP care because it affects her wedding?

STARMOON44 · June 2015

lovemesomemonster said:
I have a question, I don't mean it to be rude I am just curious. I don't have kids, don't particularly like them, and not sure if I want them so I will be the first to admit that I'm completely in the dark with everything that has to do with having them. We see all the time on here that brides must always remember that their big life changing event is not as important to every one else, put it aside to be a good friend, not talk about it all the time, and overall be courteous and respectful of everyone around them (which I agree with). So why is it that when there is a baby involved suddenly it's OK for that person to be an ass hole? It just seems like having a kid raises that person to a different status where us kid free people have to just understand and take the brunt of any issues (being rude, late, breaking plans etc.). It just seems like a double standard to me, a wedding day is a life changing event, just like having a kid and yet a bride can't have a stressful day and be upset but a mom can?

Because one is a one day party, and one is dealing with a human being who is completely dependent in you to meet their needs. So while we should all strive to treat our friends well, it's more understandable when someone who is dealing with feeding and pooping and not sleeping has a rough time than when someone who is planning a party does. And if you're doing it right your upcoming marriage shouldn't be stressing you out either.

novella1186 · June 2015

lovemesomemonster said:

I have a question, I don't mean it to be rude I am just curious. I don't have kids, don't particularly like them, and not sure if I want them so I will be the first to admit that I'm completely in the dark with everything that has to do with having them. We see all the time on here that brides must always remember that their big life changing event is not as important to every one else, put it aside to be a good friend, not talk about it all the time, and overall be courteous and respectful of everyone around them (which I agree with). So why is it that when there is a baby involved suddenly it's OK for that person to be an ass hole? It just seems like having a kid raises that person to a different status where us kid free people have to just understand and take the brunt of any issues (being rude, late, breaking plans etc.). It just seems like a double standard to me, a wedding day is a life changing event, just like having a kid and yet a bride can't have a stressful day and be upset but a mom can?

I'm not a kid person either, and I also don't have kids. So I'm not an authority on this. But planning a wedding is just planning a party. Yeah it comes with stress but let's be real here. It's a party that you're hosting and it's one day. How stressful should that really be?

A baby is not just one day. It's every day for the rest of your life. Changes happen to your body, to your mood, to your hormones, to your day-to-day life, to your sleep schedule, to your normal routine, to the way you do things, etc etc etc etc.

It's kind of comparing apples to oranges. I do agree that it's not an excuse for parents to be assholes or treat their friends badly, but I can imagine that having to take care of a baby can definitely take its toll.

OliveOilsMom · June 2015

lovemesomemonster said:

I have a question, I don't mean it to be rude I am just curious. I don't have kids, don't particularly like them, and not sure if I want them so I will be the first to admit that I'm completely in the dark with everything that has to do with having them. We see all the time on here that brides must always remember that their big life changing event is not as important to every one else, put it aside to be a good friend, not talk about it all the time, and overall be courteous and respectful of everyone around them (which I agree with). So why is it that when there is a baby involved suddenly it's OK for that person to be an ass hole? It just seems like having a kid raises that person to a different status where us kid free people have to just understand and take the brunt of any issues (being rude, late, breaking plans etc.). It just seems like a double standard to me, a wedding day is a life changing event, just like having a kid and yet a bride can't have a stressful day and be upset but a mom can?

Not a mom yet myself, but while I don't think it's ok for a parent to suddenly become an asshole, the overall answer to your question is that a wedding is for one day. A baby is at least an 18 year long investment of time, money, patience, and everything else that goes along with being a parent. I would also say that typically a bride is stressful over the day because she wants it to be PERFECT down to the minute detail. A bride isn't stressing over how her marriage will turn out after the wedding -usually.

lovemesomemonster · June 2015

Thanks @Maggie0829 and @STARMOON44, it makes sense what you both are saying, I'm not saying that anyone said the mom could be an ass on here but you hear that a lot, excuses for new parents but if a bride has a rough day she's a bridezilla and needs to reign it in. I get that there is another human being involved vs a one day party but to me that person decided to have a kid just like I decided to plan a wedding.

Sorry to OP, didn't mean to go off topic, I just wanted to ask

OliveOilsMom · June 2015

OP - You were quoted all throughout this post. No need to be rude and DD.

randomslove · June 2015

What @novella1186 said. And no, her having other children doesn't somehow make it easier for her to deal with a new baby. Every mom I've known with multiple children has reiterated how different every pregnancy is and how much harder it can be to go from one to two, two to three, etc.

While I also don't think it excuses her from her bad behavior, I'm also going to second sending her invitation. If she says anything, OP, tell her you don't expect her to come and you understand she does not want to be in the wedding party, but that you still love her and will welcome her should she change her mind.

Then give her time to breathe. Maybe send her a text or message at some point just saying, "Hey, I was thinking of you and wanted to let you know I miss you and I'm here if you need me," or similar, and let her make the next move.

That's just what I would do.

AddieCake · June 2015

Deleting your post is immature.

thisismynickname2 · June 2015

Well, bummer, a DD.

OP, if you're still reading, my DH had a kind of similar issue. His groomsman was acting like an asshole, DH called him on his bullshit, and the groomsman said, "Maybe I shouldn't be in the wedding." DH said, "I'll leave that choice up to you." Groomsman and wife did not show up to the wedding. It was a friendship-ending fight.

I disagree with your mom that sending her an invite now looks like a gift grab. In our situation, the invites were out and this guy's RSVP was already turned in. If you still want to be friends with her, send the invite as an olive branch. If you don't want to be friends with her, don't send the invite.

Maggie0829 · June 2015

Why would you delete your post when you have been quoted?

beachyone15 · June 2015

Maggie0829 said:

Why would you delete your post when you have been quoted?

Because obviously everyone here was a meanie-head. Duh.

mikenberger · June 2015

beachyone15 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Why would you delete your post when you have been quoted?

Because obviously everyone here was a meanie-head. Duh.

But I'm gonna leave all of my other posts in protest! You're not the boss of me!

flbride2015 · June 2015

lovemesomemonster said:

I have a question, I don't mean it to be rude I am just curious. I don't have kids, don't particularly like them, and not sure if I want them so I will be the first to admit that I'm completely in the dark with everything that has to do with having them. We see all the time on here that brides must always remember that their big life changing event is not as important to every one else, put it aside to be a good friend, not talk about it all the time, and overall be courteous and respectful of everyone around them (which I agree with). So why is it that when there is a baby involved suddenly it's OK for that person to be an ass hole? It just seems like having a kid raises that person to a different status where us kid free people have to just understand and take the brunt of any issues (being rude, late, breaking plans etc.). It just seems like a double standard to me, a wedding day is a life changing event, just like having a kid and yet a bride can't have a stressful day and be upset but a mom can?

As a mom (who had post-partum depression), and now as a bride for the second time, I can tell you there's a HUGE difference between the two. As everyone else said, being a mom doesn't mean you can be a jerk to your friends, but it's a life changing experience, much more so than getting married. I love my child more than anything in this world, but my post-partum depression was bad. I felt like my life was over. My hormones were all over the place, I felt like my body had been taken over by something, I felt out of control and hopeless. I wanted to cry all the time. I hated life. It resulted in my divorce.

Even after I got through the post-partum stuff, it still wasn't easy. Children wake you up in the middle of the night, they wet the bed at 3am on a workday, or get sick and start throwing up a 2 am. And there you are, awake in the middle of the night cleaning bodily fluids. They need your constant attention, 24/7. Want to poop in private? Not after having a kid. Guess when they ant your attention the most? When you're pooping.

Feel sick and just want to sleep in while your fever breaks? Not going to happen with a kid around. They don't get it when mommy says she doesn't feel good because she's been puking all day. They still need to be fed, diapers changed, etc.

You're right in that most people make the decision to have children, just like people decide to get married; but no one actually really knows what having a kid is like until it happens. Especially because kids are different. Mine was a good sleeper compared to other kids. My cousin's kid had collic and cried every single night and day for hours at a time. She would call me in tears because she couldn't get him to stop crying.

I love my child, I don't regret having her, but you better believe being a bride is a thousand times easier than being a mom. So yeah, I'll give a mom the leeway I won't give a bride any day of the week.

mrscomposer · June 2015

flbride2015 said:

lovemesomemonster said:

I have a question, I don't mean it to be rude I am just curious. I don't have kids, don't particularly like them, and not sure if I want them so I will be the first to admit that I'm completely in the dark with everything that has to do with having them. We see all the time on here that brides must always remember that their big life changing event is not as important to every one else, put it aside to be a good friend, not talk about it all the time, and overall be courteous and respectful of everyone around them (which I agree with). So why is it that when there is a baby involved suddenly it's OK for that person to be an ass hole? It just seems like having a kid raises that person to a different status where us kid free people have to just understand and take the brunt of any issues (being rude, late, breaking plans etc.). It just seems like a double standard to me, a wedding day is a life changing event, just like having a kid and yet a bride can't have a stressful day and be upset but a mom can?

As a mom (who had post-partum depression), and now as a bride for the second time, I can tell you there's a HUGE difference between the two. As everyone else said, being a mom doesn't mean you can be a jerk to your friends, but it's a life changing experience, much more so than getting married. I love my child more than anything in this world, but my post-partum depression was bad. I felt like my life was over. My hormones were all over the place, I felt like my body had been taken over by something, I felt out of control and hopeless. I wanted to cry all the time. I hated life. It resulted in my divorce.
Even after I got through the post-partum stuff, it still wasn't easy. Children wake you up in the middle of the night, they wet the bed at 3am on a workday, or get sick and start throwing up a 2 am. And there you are, awake in the middle of the night cleaning bodily fluids. They need your constant attention, 24/7. Want to poop in private? Not after having a kid. Guess when they ant your attention the most? When you're pooping.
Feel sick and just want to sleep in while your fever breaks? Not going to happen with a kid around. They don't get it when mommy says she doesn't feel good because she's been puking all day. They still need to be fed, diapers changed, etc.
You're right in that most people make the decision to have children, just like people decide to get married; but no one actually really knows what having a kid is like until it happens. Especially because kids are different. Mine was a good sleeper compared to other kids. My cousin's kid had collic and cried every single night and day for hours at a time. She would call me in tears because she couldn't get him to stop crying.
I love my child, I don't regret having her, but you better believe being a bride is a thousand times easier than being a mom. So yeah, I'll give a mom the leeway I won't give a bride any day of the week.

QF-ever lovin'-T. I know the OP is gone, but still. My BFF has four kids - the first two were veritable angels, the third one is a normal child who looks like a hellion beside her big sisters, and her son is the one who was a one-month old baby being cuddled while mommy stood up for me. We've just found out within the last couple of weeks that she has post-partum, and is really struggling. When your LIFE makes you cry, I'm going to cut you a bit more slack than if a party does.

lovemesomemonster · June 2015

mrscomposer said:

flbride2015 said:

lovemesomemonster said:

I have a question, I don't mean it to be rude I am just curious. I don't have kids, don't particularly like them, and not sure if I want them so I will be the first to admit that I'm completely in the dark with everything that has to do with having them. We see all the time on here that brides must always remember that their big life changing event is not as important to every one else, put it aside to be a good friend, not talk about it all the time, and overall be courteous and respectful of everyone around them (which I agree with). So why is it that when there is a baby involved suddenly it's OK for that person to be an ass hole? It just seems like having a kid raises that person to a different status where us kid free people have to just understand and take the brunt of any issues (being rude, late, breaking plans etc.). It just seems like a double standard to me, a wedding day is a life changing event, just like having a kid and yet a bride can't have a stressful day and be upset but a mom can?

As a mom (who had post-partum depression), and now as a bride for the second time, I can tell you there's a HUGE difference between the two. As everyone else said, being a mom doesn't mean you can be a jerk to your friends, but it's a life changing experience, much more so than getting married. I love my child more than anything in this world, but my post-partum depression was bad. I felt like my life was over. My hormones were all over the place, I felt like my body had been taken over by something, I felt out of control and hopeless. I wanted to cry all the time. I hated life. It resulted in my divorce.
Even after I got through the post-partum stuff, it still wasn't easy. Children wake you up in the middle of the night, they wet the bed at 3am on a workday, or get sick and start throwing up a 2 am. And there you are, awake in the middle of the night cleaning bodily fluids. They need your constant attention, 24/7. Want to poop in private? Not after having a kid. Guess when they ant your attention the most? When you're pooping.
Feel sick and just want to sleep in while your fever breaks? Not going to happen with a kid around. They don't get it when mommy says she doesn't feel good because she's been puking all day. They still need to be fed, diapers changed, etc.
You're right in that most people make the decision to have children, just like people decide to get married; but no one actually really knows what having a kid is like until it happens. Especially because kids are different. Mine was a good sleeper compared to other kids. My cousin's kid had collic and cried every single night and day for hours at a time. She would call me in tears because she couldn't get him to stop crying.
I love my child, I don't regret having her, but you better believe being a bride is a thousand times easier than being a mom. So yeah, I'll give a mom the leeway I won't give a bride any day of the week.

QF-ever lovin'-T. I know the OP is gone, but still. My BFF has four kids - the first two were veritable angels, the third one is a normal child who looks like a hellion beside her big sisters, and her son is the one who was a one-month old baby being cuddled while mommy stood up for me. We've just found out within the last couple of weeks that she has post-partum, and is really struggling. When your LIFE makes you cry, I'm going to cut you a bit more slack than if a party does.

Thanks all for explaining these different issues, like I said I don't have any and am not even sure at this point that I want any so I'm completely ignorant to most of it besides knowing that there is a lack of sleep and change in hormones. Only one of my close friends has kids and she didn't seem to change with regards to the effort toward our friendship and how she treated relationships around her so I guess I just haven't seen the other side of it when someone has many of these issues.

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