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Knottie04572181Knottie04572181 member
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edited July 2015 in Wedding Woes
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Knottie04572181 said:
    So here is my current dilemma and I'm hoping for some help with it. First we only wanted to spend about a grand because my family wasn't paying at all and has been sending me nasty letters that I'm only having a wedding because I want gifts not because I want people there so they won't be attending. This isn't true and I haven't and won't be registering. the grooms family always just said we'll help pay for some stuff never would say what or how much. Well our wedding is happening August 22nd and it's costing around five grand. My fiance and I work together but get laid off in the summer because we work on water slides and parks are open in the summer. Well now we have six weeks to come up with another grand to finish paying. It gets worse, my family refuses to give me.my birth certificate to get my marriage license. So because I was born abroad on a military base it's kinda complicated to get. Well it could take up to 13 weeks. Before we found this out my fiance says "since our friend got ordained to marry us we can get legally married six months after the wedding" I don't like that idea because being married and changing my name was the ONLY part I cared about. In PA you have ten days after your wedding date for your officiant to file your paperwork. So basically I got annoyed into spending so much" because oh my god what will people think if it's not a huge deal" and now I can't afford the replacement born abroad certificate or the marriage license if I want to pay for food for all these people. The list grows daily because finances mom keeps inviting people. So I know I'm not happy and think it's messed up that we got quilted into spending for a great party for all these people and at the end of the day I won't even be married. I won't be legally married until lime October. I'm out of ideas but I'd return all the stuff I bought if it would guarantee that I'd be married at the end of the day and be able to change my mind. Plus if my family ever finds out it ! happened legally months later, I'll get nasty letters that I'm just a liar and faked a wedding for presents. Should I just cut flowers, table cloths, favors and try to get my photographer for only a hour just to get able to get officially married?? Is my fiance maybe not sure he wants to get married but his mom pushed and begged him into a wedding so he felt he had to and that's why he do want to do it legally until later? What if he's never ready? How would that be explained? We couldn't afford the legal part plus my fiance wanted to wait to married legally but here's a huge wedding he faked? I am depressed and I feel like I really wasted money on a party and that's it. What's the point if we really won't be married until months later?

    I was thinking of ways to help you until I got to the bolded.  Your FI is not sure he wants to get married?  I think that is the biggest flag in your whole post.  Who cares what your family thinks about the wedding.  The fact that your FI isn't sure, is speaking loud volumes.  You should cancel your wedding right now.  Wait until your FI is ready.  Don't go through with some fake façade wedding.  Don't let FMIL pressure either of you into doing something you are not comfortable with.  Why is FMIL pressuring you two into marriage anyway? 

    Might I ask how old you are?

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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Knottie04572181 said:
    So here is my current dilemma and I'm hoping for some help with it. First we only wanted to spend about a grand because my family wasn't paying at all and has been sending me nasty letters that I'm only having a wedding because I want gifts not because I want people there so they won't be attending. This isn't true and I haven't and won't be registering. the grooms family always just said we'll help pay for some stuff never would say what or how much. Well our wedding is happening August 22nd and it's costing around five grand. My fiance and I work together but get laid off in the summer because we work on water slides and parks are open in the summer. Well now we have six weeks to come up with another grand to finish paying. It gets worse, my family refuses to give me.my birth certificate to get my marriage license. So because I was born abroad on a military base it's kinda complicated to get. Well it could take up to 13 weeks. Before we found this out my fiance says "since our friend got ordained to marry us we can get legally married six months after the wedding" I don't like that idea because being married and changing my name was the ONLY part I cared about. In PA you have ten days after your wedding date for your officiant to file your paperwork. So basically I got annoyed into spending so much" because oh my god what will people think if it's not a huge deal" and now I can't afford the replacement born abroad certificate or the marriage license if I want to pay for food for all these people. The list grows daily because finances mom keeps inviting people. So I know I'm not happy and think it's messed up that we got quilted into spending for a great party for all these people and at the end of the day I won't even be married. I won't be legally married until lime October. I'm out of ideas but I'd return all the stuff I bought if it would guarantee that I'd be married at the end of the day and be able to change my mind. Plus if my family ever finds out it ! happened legally months later, I'll get nasty letters that I'm just a liar and faked a wedding for presents. Should I just cut flowers, table cloths, favors and try to get my photographer for only a hour just to get able to get officially married?? Is my fiance maybe not sure he wants to get married but his mom pushed and begged him into a wedding so he felt he had to and that's why he do want to do it legally until later? What if he's never ready? How would that be explained? We couldn't afford the legal part plus my fiance wanted to wait to married legally but here's a huge wedding he faked? I am depressed and I feel like I really wasted money on a party and that's it. What's the point if we really won't be married until months later?
    ...what?
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  • Knottie04572181Knottie04572181 member
    10 Comments
    Sorry I wasn't clear and must have typed that completely wrong. That's is not at all what I meant. So before you give me advice based on something I didn't mean let me say the the way I meant.
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  • Knottie04572181Knottie04572181 member
    10 Comments
    I'm 33 and so is he. She wants a huge party and we have been together and living together for seven years. Engaged for three. So she has bugged us for three years about when she can have this huge party. What I meant in the bolded section is that I can't understand why my fiance would come up with the idea. And due to us working in different states starting labor day the legal part might get put off. Thus how would we explain going broke paying for this fancy thing but due to issues with my birth certificate and money we couldn't finish paying for the legal part. Sorry that it switched my sentences around there. That was NOT what I meant and you took it the wrong way!
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  • Knottie04572181Knottie04572181 member
    10 Comments
    Also might I ask how old you advice givers are?
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  • primafaba15primafaba15 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    OP, I understand that you're upset, but I'm having trouble understanding the exact sequence of events here. 

    OliveOilsMom 's comment is spot on. 

    You say you've paid down a lot so far -- how much of that can you get back? Because if it's a decent amount of it, I'd consider cancelling the wedding too, regardless of what is actually going on with your FI. Your family is not being helpful here (and hey, right now they're being unreasonable about the gift thing -- why give them an actual reason to be mad/accusatory?), and it sounds to me like you really don't want the big party. So if you don't, and the big party means you literally cannot afford the legal stuff you actually care about, then I think the legal stuff should come first. If necessary, throw a party (not another wedding / wedding reception, of course, a distinct party) later, after you're legally married, when it's not killing you financially to do so. 
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  • Knottie04572181Knottie04572181 member
    10 Comments
    It's NOT a fucking fake facade wedding. It was supposed to be our wedding day but we have to come up with a grand to finish paying while we are laid off and it May take 13 weeks to get a replacement child born abroad birth certificate in order to get marriage license. So if that's not here in time for the date I can't get a license. His idea was to wait and do the legal part in like October with a different date. But still celebrate August 22nd.
    It was never ever a fake marriage it's just an issue of my parents being jerks about giving me a birth certificate and us running out of money. So I wouldn't be married legally until.we had the money and.birth certificate to do so. We cannot cancel at this point.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If you can't get married in August then well, don't get married in August.  Don't pretend to get married in August and don't throw a party in August.   That will help you save money for when you get married. 
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  • tawillerstawillers member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Knottie04572181 said:
    So basically I got annoyed into spending so much" because oh my god what will people think if it's not a huge deal" and now I can't afford the replacement born abroad certificate or the marriage license if I want to pay for food for all these people.
    This is why someone said "fake facade".  I think the choice of words could have been better, but I understand where she was coming from.  You are spending money you don't have to put on a show for people you don't like.
    *Barbie* said:
    postpone the party, figure out your legal shit, reschedule a low-key party that you and your FI can afford after you're able to legally get married.

    Also, by 33, your FI needs to grow a pair and learn how to tell his mother "no."

    FWIW, I'm 32 and have been married almost 9 years. 


    Ditto all of this, except married almost 7 years.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Postpone the wedding until you have the legal part figured out. 

    I'm 34, BTW. 
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  • Knottie04572181Knottie04572181 member
    10 Comments
    Sorry I am upset and my phone froze during the original post probably making it confusing.
    I don't want the big party because of my family but it's the only option I was given if I wanted to be married. I've spent close to five grand already and none of it is refundable. My birth certificate may take 13 weeks to get here which means thirteen weeks before I can get a marriage license. So his idea is that because out officiant is a friend he would do the ceremony and draw up the paperwork in September or October after I had my replace me birth certificate and when we had more money because we still have a grand left to pay of food. We would still celebrate on the ceremony day. Basically it's like the people who get married and have a wedding later but I got stuck in an awkward position of wedding isn't able to be cancelled and I can't get a license until a few weeks after the ceremony. And I'm just upset and went into way to much detail on the first post.
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  • primafaba15primafaba15 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    Sorry -- looks like our posts crossed paths and you already answered a bunch of the questions I asked. 

    I'm 27, not yet married. Trying to offer what inexperienced help I can because this sounds like a nightmare and I can only imagine how awful you feel right now. 

    Any chance your venue would allow you to reschedule/postpone? I realize this depends heavily on the kind of venue and that they might not be so understanding. It sounds like maybe not from what you've said so far, but is there any chance that your folks might cough up the birth certificate if you make them aware of how dire this situation is (you might already have done this, of course)? 

    I'm not really sure what the best thing is to do if you can't get the legal certificate until after the wedding. Is there any chance that it might actually come in time, maybe 13 weeks is a "longest it takes" kind of number but sometimes it's sooner? The money for it is of course a separate issue. 

    I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this, and that your family is making things more difficult. 
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    You can cancel, you just don't want to b/c it'll cost money.  But, it's money already spent and gets you out of the money you don't have.

    Cancel the wedding, get your birth certificate figured out.  Walk into a pretty place in the park, get married, turn in paperwork.

    You've got some other things going on that you both really need to get figured out.  How to deal with family, how to deal with jobs (since it doesn't sound like stable, reliable employment) and where to live.  

    38, married 14 years, and been through lots of up-and-downs with family and employment.  You have some big obstacles.  Hint:  the WEDDING?  Is not an obstacle.
    �
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think you also need to talk to someone about fast-tracking the birth certificate.   There must be a way to get it to you that doesn't take up to 13 weeks.   Can you pay a fee?   
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2015
    Knottie04572181 said:
    So here is my current dilemma and I'm hoping for some help with it. First we only wanted to spend about a grand because my family wasn't paying at all and has been sending me nasty letters that I'm only having a wedding because I want gifts not because I want people there so they won't be attending. This isn't true and I haven't and won't be registering. the grooms family always just said we'll help pay for some stuff never would say what or how much. Well our wedding is happening August 22nd and it's costing around five grand. My fiance and I work together but get laid off in the summer because we work on water slides and parks are open in the summer. Well now we have six weeks to come up with another grand to finish paying. It gets worse, my family refuses to give me.my birth certificate to get my marriage license. So because I was born abroad on a military base it's kinda complicated to get. Well it could take up to 13 weeks. Before we found this out my fiance says "since our friend got ordained to marry us we can get legally married six months after the wedding" I don't like that idea because being married and changing my name was the ONLY part I cared about. In PA you have ten days after your wedding date for your officiant to file your paperwork. So basically I got annoyed into spending so much" because oh my god what will people think if it's not a huge deal" and now I can't afford the replacement born abroad certificate or the marriage license if I want to pay for food for all these people. The list grows daily because finances mom keeps inviting people. So I know I'm not happy and think it's messed up that we got quilted into spending for a great party for all these people and at the end of the day I won't even be married. I won't be legally married until lime October. I'm out of ideas but I'd return all the stuff I bought if it would guarantee that I'd be married at the end of the day and be able to change my mind. Plus if my family ever finds out it ! happened legally months later, I'll get nasty letters that I'm just a liar and faked a wedding for presents. Should I just cut flowers, table cloths, favors and try to get my photographer for only a hour just to get able to get officially married?? Is my fiance maybe not sure he wants to get married but his mom pushed and begged him into a wedding so he felt he had to and that's why he do want to do it legally until later? What if he's never ready? How would that be explained? We couldn't afford the legal part plus my fiance wanted to wait to married legally but here's a huge wedding he faked? I am depressed and I feel like I really wasted money on a party and that's it. What's the point if we really won't be married until months later?
    This is a lot of information.

    Knottie04572181 said:
    Sorry I wasn't clear and must have typed that completely wrong. That's is not at all what I meant. So before you give me advice based on something I didn't mean let me say the the way I meant.
    Uh, maybe.  I mean, sometimes I'm in a hurry and transpose letters or misspell things.  I don't generally say someone doesn't want to marry me when that's not the case, but I guess I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here.  Can you clarify, then?
    Knottie04572181 said:
    I'm 33 and so is he. She wants a huge party and we have been together and living together for seven years. Engaged for three. So she has bugged us for three years about when she can have this huge party. What I meant in the bolded section is that I can't understand why my fiance would come up with the idea. And due to us working in different states starting labor day the legal part might get put off. Thus how would we explain going broke paying for this fancy thing but due to issues with my birth certificate and money we couldn't finish paying for the legal part. Sorry that it switched my sentences around there. That was NOT what I meant and you took it the wrong way!
    People who want huge parties can throw them themselves.
    Knottie04572181 said:
    Also might I ask how old you advice givers are?
    Almost 40.  See my recent post:  "s/o turning 40."

    There is so much going on in these posts.  I'm not sure how you had a budget for $1000 and spent $5000.  I've seen projects go over budget by 10%, 20%, but 5x as much is kind of crazy.  Especially if you've been engaged for three years.

    Anyway, no, don't throw a pretend wedding you can't afford, that you and your FI apparently don't even want.  If you both really want to be married, get your paperwork in order and then elope.  Boom, done. 
    �
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  • tawillerstawillers member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Knottie04572181 said:
    Sorry I am upset and my phone froze during the original post probably making it confusing. I don't want the big party because of my family but it's the only option I was given if I wanted to be married. I've spent close to five grand already and none of it is refundable. My birth certificate may take 13 weeks to get here which means thirteen weeks before I can get a marriage license. So his idea is that because out officiant is a friend he would do the ceremony and draw up the paperwork in September or October after I had my replace me birth certificate and when we had more money because we still have a grand left to pay of food. We would still celebrate on the ceremony day. Basically it's like the people who get married and have a wedding later but I got stuck in an awkward position of wedding isn't able to be cancelled and I can't get a license until a few weeks after the ceremony. And I'm just upset and went into way to much detail on the first post.
    This is just plain not true.  You could have applied for and received the new birth certificate and gone to the court house with your FI to be married.
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  • Knottie04572181Knottie04572181 member
    10 Comments
    Wow. Well I guess that's what you get from random people online. I'm going to just delete this post because I was hoping to get someone who would.understand and try to help me not criticize me and.act like I'm.doing something for pretend when it's a real thing. It can't be cancelled due to our job. Its just a dilemma I ran into and was hoping for legit insight not you guys making me cry. So please no more posts I really don't care what random people think about my financial issues. Or my wedding or any of it anymore if all it is, is straight "your wrong". I don't think like normal people so I shouldn't have asked normal people.
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  • Knottie04572181Knottie04572181 member
    10 Comments
    Thanks primafaba15 I just wanted someone decent to talk to without fifty instant your horrible cancel posts.
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Knottie04572181 said:
    Wow. Well I guess that's what you get from random people online. I'm going to just delete this post because I was hoping to get someone who would.understand and try to help me not criticize me and.act like I'm.doing something for pretend when it's a real thing. It can't be cancelled due to our job. Its just a dilemma I ran into and was hoping for legit insight not you guys making me cry. So please no more posts I really don't care what random people think about my financial issues. Or my wedding or any of it anymore if all it is, is straight "your wrong". I don't think like normal people so I shouldn't have asked normal people.
    How is throwing yourself a wedding without having a marriage license not pretending?

    As to the second bolded, if you don't care what random people think, why did you post this on a forum full of random people? 
    �
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  • Knottie04572181Knottie04572181 member
    10 Comments
    I've worked at my professional reliable stable job for ten years. Did I ask.for your comments on my employment? Do you have any idea what our economy is like? Just because I have summers.off.doesn't.mean I.need a new job or we.wouldn't have teachers.now would we? Do they need different jobs because they have summers.off. I don't even.want to be a member of this place anymore. Deleting this thread now.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited July 2015
    This ended up being a double post.
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  • Knottie04572181Knottie04572181 member
    10 Comments
    My fiance would only marry me with a real ceremony because his first marriage was at a court house and his mom my wouldn't speak to him afterwards. So call me a liar. I don't Care.none of.you ignorant people (excluding the few nice ones) really know any details about my.sotuation. but ok let me take your advice and quit my job so then I have no.income while.I'm laid off. (Oh you didn't know I'm paid salary and get paid all year round even when not working) yet you judge anyway because you are all so right about everything.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    "I've worked at my professional reliable stable job for ten years. Did I ask.for your comments on my employment? Do you have any idea what our economy is like? Just because I have summers.off.doesn't.mean I.need a new job or we.wouldn't have teachers.now would we? Do they need different jobs because they have summers.off. I don't even.want to be a member of this place anymore. Deleting this thread now."

    So, what you're saying is that you worked at a job for 10 years that you get laid off in the summer, regularly, for like..y'know, 10 years! AND YOU DIDN'T PLAN TO SAVE ANY EXTRA MONEY?  Now I think you're just out of control.  Again, stop the actual wedding, save yourself the $1K you don't have and figure all this crap out.
    �
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  • Knottie04572181Knottie04572181 member
    10 Comments
    I was born in Japan on a military base so I have to do a lot more to get my certificate
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