Using shower gifts before the wedding?

peachy13 · July 2015

It was always in my head that I wasn't supposed to use gifts until after the wedding. I don't know if I read something wrong on TK once upon a time, or if this is actually true.

I mentioned this recently when saying that I can't wait to use a particular gift (which I know my aunt bought for me already) and the group of married girlfriends nearby me all said that I don't have to wait until the wedding, so I was just curious about what TK thinks. Thanks!

Maggie0829 · July 2015

Well you shouldn't use them because what if, God forbid, something happen between now and your wedding where the wedding doesn't take place? You will need to return the gifts.

But, personally, I used gifts I received prior to my wedding. Go ahead, slap me on the wrists with a ruler.

AddieCake · July 2015

If you use it, just make sure you can replace it if your wedding does not take place.

lyndausvi · July 2015

Maggie0829 said:

Well you shouldn't use them because what if, God forbid, something happen between now and your wedding where the wedding doesn't take place? You will need to return the gifts.

But, personally, I used gifts I received prior to my wedding. Go ahead, slap me on the wrists with a ruler.

I did too. Especially after a couple who gave us pots and pans 9 months out were annoyed we were not using them a few months after they gave it to us. They said, if we wanted for you to wait we would not have given it to you when we did.

We had the money to replace everything anyway. Plus living in the islands it would have been hell to ship everything back. It would have been easier to buy online and send from the states.

frenchiekin · July 2015

I've been wondering the same thing. My FMIL purchased all of our china for my shower in August, but accidentally shipped it to our apartment instead of her house. My aunt did the same thing with our mandoline. They've just been sitting in our kitchen because I've been afraid to use them for fear of breaking the rules! Hell with it, if @lyndausvi and @maggie0829 say its ok....

lyndausvi · July 2015

If feel like it's one of those victimless crimes, if you will.

As along as you are aware that if something happens you are required to replace the gift to the giver, then it's all good.

I also lived in a small place. I just didn't have the room to store the gifts anyway. No parent's homes to leave them either.

peachy13 · July 2015

My FI and I entertain our friends every Sunday (or MNF, or Thurs night, whatever) for football, so we have a lot of things on our like chips/dip platter, crockpot, hot dip bowl, cheese plate, etc. that I know I'm going to be dying to break out seeing as though Week 1 is nearly two months before our wedding!

luckya23 · July 2015

I used most of them.

I probably returned more than I used though... Shhhhh....

redheadbride15 · July 2015

I never heard this rule that you're supposed to return bridal shower gifts if the wedding gets canceled. Of course, I've never hosted or attended any bridal showers so I may just be out of the loop.

Does the same apply to wedding gifts if you get a divorce? If this is true then I'm waiting on a TON of gifts to be returned to me! (I always knew there was a reason I give people gifts that I'd like for myself)

frenchiekin · July 2015

redheadbride15 said:

I never heard this rule that you're supposed to return bridal shower gifts if the wedding gets canceled. Of course, I've never hosted or attended any bridal showers so I may just be out of the loop.

Does the same apply to wedding gifts if you get a divorce? If this is true then I'm waiting on a TON of gifts to be returned to me! (I always knew there was a reason I give people gifts that I'd like for myself)

I think I read that if the marriage ends within the first year, you are supposed to return the wedding gifts. I could be completely wrong, so I'll defer to the Etiquette Goddesses on this one...

ETF word

SP29 · July 2015

Agreed- victimless crime.

I wouldn't be offended if someone started using my gift right away. I'd think, "yay! They really do like what I got them!".

Maggie0829 · July 2015

frenchiekin said:

redheadbride15 said:

I never heard this rule that you're supposed to return bridal shower gifts if the wedding gets canceled. Of course, I've never hosted or attended any bridal showers so I may just be out of the loop.

Does the same apply to wedding gifts if you get a divorce? If this is true then I'm waiting on a TON of gifts to be returned to me! (I always knew there was a reason I give people gifts that I'd like for myself)

I think I read that if the marriage ends within the first year, you are supposed to return the wedding gifts. I could be completely wrong, so I'll defer to the Etiquette Goddesses on this one...

ETF word

I've read that as well. I think it is because of the rule that one has a year to send the new couple a wedding gift, or some other such nonsense.

But if the marriage did end before a year I, as guest of their wedding, would not be expecting my gift back. I figure there are more important things. So IMO as long as the wedding occurs then the couple keeps the gifts no matter what may happen in the future.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

SP29 said:

Agreed- victimless crime.

I wouldn't be offended if someone started using my gift right away. I'd think, "yay! They really do like what I got them!".

I sent a cool gift off the registry once, one I knew they'd want to use right away. I think I asked them if they were using it, and when they said they weren't, I told them that I wouldn't have sent it so early if I didn't want them to use it.

lyndausvi · July 2015

My parents are pretty generous. They gave my cousin (dad's godson) $300 check as a gift.. The divorce proceedings started 2 weeks after the wedding. Just days after she (not my cousin) cashed the check. She cheated on him.

My parents were so pissed.

I'm not sure what the correct timeframe for returning wedding gifts is, but I thinking it's pretty tacky to cash a check and then file for divorce a few days later.

marie2785 · July 2015

I used my Cuisinart Griddler 3 times the week after my shower, and the chip and dip and cake stand within the first week when we hosted a party. I'll use the juicer soon too

As long as you know you have to replace them if the wedding doesn't happen, you're fine.

fyrchk · July 2015

I'm honestly of the opinion that if I give it to you, it's yours. Use it. I know that you are supposed to return shower gifts if the wedding is called off, but I'd just tell you to keep it. 1. What am I going to do with it? and 2. You have more stuff going on in your life than worrying that I got a set of towels back.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

fyrchk said:

I'm honestly of the opinion that if I give it to you, it's yours. Use it. I know that you are supposed to return shower gifts if the wedding is called off, but I'd just tell you to keep it. 1. What am I going to do with it? and 2. You have more stuff going on in your life than worrying that I got a set of towels back.

Agreed. Unless I feel like you don't even really like each other and are just going through the motions of pre-wedding nonsense to get Stuff, I'm not going to expect my gift back if you come to your senses and realize it's not time (or the person) to marry.

MyNameIsNot · July 2015

lyndausvi said:

My parents are pretty generous. They gave my cousin (dad's godson) $300 check as a gift.. The divorce proceedings started 2 weeks after the wedding. Just days after she (not my cousin) cashed the check. She cheated on him.

My parents were so pissed.

I'm not sure what the correct timeframe for returning wedding gifts is, but I thinking it's pretty tacky to cash a check and then file for divorce a few days later.

Maybe they spent the $300 on the divorce filing fee.

I wish my SIL would return the cash I gave her, but mostly because she got married knowing she was going to call it off the next day. She just "thought it would be a waste to miss out on being a bride."

I've always heard it was bad luck to use gifts before the wedding, but I don't believe in luck, so whatever.

Viczaesar · July 2015

Maggie0829 said:

frenchiekin said:

redheadbride15 said:

I never heard this rule that you're supposed to return bridal shower gifts if the wedding gets canceled. Of course, I've never hosted or attended any bridal showers so I may just be out of the loop.

Does the same apply to wedding gifts if you get a divorce? If this is true then I'm waiting on a TON of gifts to be returned to me! (I always knew there was a reason I give people gifts that I'd like for myself)

I think I read that if the marriage ends within the first year, you are supposed to return the wedding gifts. I could be completely wrong, so I'll defer to the Etiquette Goddesses on this one...

ETF word

I've read that as well. I think it is because of the rule that one has a year to send the new couple a wedding gift, or some other such nonsense.

But if the marriage did end before a year I, as guest of their wedding, would not be expecting my gift back. I figure there are more important things. So IMO as long as the wedding occurs then the couple keeps the gifts no matter what may happen in the future.

I looked this up recently in response to another thread. If I remember correctly I found Miss Manners saying that as long as the wedding happens/marriage actually begins, you don't have to give the gifts back regardless of when it ends. But I can't be arsed right now to google it again to double check.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Coincidentally, I read this thread earlier today and then came home from work to my first registry gift, my whole new set of beautiful pots and pans! Surprised they came from my mom who's already paying for enough, but confident in the knowledge I gained from reading this thread, I unpacked the box and called my mom to thank her -- and was promptly told they were supposed to go to her house, were actually meant to be from someone else (I imagine she purchased them for someone using her Macy's card so she could use coupons) and that I had to somehow stuff them all back into the box seamlessly so sneakily hand over and then open at my shower while pretending to be surprised.

Really wanted to use my new stock pot too, damn.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

lyndausvi said:
My parents are pretty generous. They gave my cousin (dad's godson) $300 check as a gift.. The divorce proceedings started 2 weeks after the wedding. Just days after she (not my cousin) cashed the check. She cheated on him.

My parents were so pissed.

I'm not sure what the correct timeframe for returning wedding gifts is, but I thinking it's pretty tacky to cash a check and then file for divorce a few days later.

Gotta pay the lawyer somehow....

SP29 · July 2015

adk19 said:

I sent a cool gift off the registry once, one I knew they'd want to use right away. I think I asked them if they were using it, and when they said they weren't, I told them that I wouldn't have sent it so early if I didn't want them to use it.

Yeah, I agree with that. I wouldn't expect someone to leave a bunch of un-opened boxes sitting around their house. That and I'd also want someone to at least open it and look at it in case something was amiss (i.e. scratched, broken, etc) so it could be exchanged.

I also don't think I'd ask for a gift back if the couple divorced/ called off the wedding. I mean if I heard from my sister like @MyNameIsNot that she got married "not to miss out" I'd be kinda pissed, but I would never begrudge someone getting out of a bad situation or realizing that getting married to this person is not the right thing to do. (As an aside, but interestingly, a few years ago I was listening to a radio show and a study was brought up where they interviewed a large group of divorced people- a very large percent- I think it was around 3/4- said they had a feeling when they were walking down the aisle it wasn't right, but went through with it anyway because they thought they had to or it was just "cold feet").

@sylveonplath Bummer! That's just being a tease

MyNameIsNot · July 2015

SP29 said:

adk19 said:

I sent a cool gift off the registry once, one I knew they'd want to use right away. I think I asked them if they were using it, and when they said they weren't, I told them that I wouldn't have sent it so early if I didn't want them to use it.

Yeah, I agree with that. I wouldn't expect someone to leave a bunch of un-opened boxes sitting around their house. That and I'd also want someone to at least open it and look at it in case something was amiss (i.e. scratched, broken, etc) so it could be exchanged.

I also don't think I'd ask for a gift back if the couple divorced/ called off the wedding. I mean if I heard from my sister like @MyNameIsNot that she got married "not to miss out" I'd be kinda pissed, but I would never begrudge someone getting out of a bad situation or realizing that getting married to this person is not the right thing to do. (As an aside, but interestingly, a few years ago I was listening to a radio show and a study was brought up where they interviewed a large group of divorced people- a very large percent- I think it was around 3/4- said they had a feeling when they were walking down the aisle it wasn't right, but went through with it anyway because they thought they had to or it was just "cold feet").

@sylveonplath Bummer! That's just being a tease

I wouldn't ask for it either, and in most cases I wouldn't care. I think the couple should attempt to return or offer to return gifts if the wedding is cancelled, but I think the majority of people wouldn't care.

With SIL, I'm particularly salty because I spent so much time and money to be there and buy a BM dress, she hasn't written a thank you note, and I found out the whole thing was a PPD the morning of the "wedding" anyway.

emmaaa · July 2015

I'm with PP's on this one. I used most of our wedding gifts before the wedding but would have been able to return them if something had happened in the mean time.

thefanciestbeckler · July 2015

I would say that people who give gifts early really want you to use them. The set of pots and pans from my registry (which I REALLY wanted) were delivered to my house the other day from one of FI's friend's moms. I promptly called her to thank her, and she was thrilled we received them. She immediately said "so when will you start cooking?!?!" I think you're safe to use gifts prior

[Deleted User] · July 2015

becklertobe said:

I would say that people who give gifts early really want you to use them. The set of pots and pans from my registry (which I REALLY wanted) were delivered to my house the other day from one of FI's friend's moms. I promptly called her to thank her, and she was thrilled we received them. She immediately said "so when will you start cooking?!?!" I think you're safe to use gifts prior

Agreed. The one I gift I bought early for one couple was a really cool bicycle hanger for the garage that raised up the bikes out of the way of the cars, then could be lowered (by remote control possibly) easily. It was getting to be nice out, they had just bought a house, and their wedding wasn't to be until November. I wanted them to use that.

huskypuppy14 · July 2015

I agree with everyone else. Technically, you are supposed to return any gifts you receive prior to the wedding, if the wedding doesn't take place. However, I would never expect to receive my gift back. Now, if you get married again in the near future, I also probably wouldn't get you another gift.

Has anyone had their gift returned to them when the wedding hasn't happened? Or have you returned any gifts back to the gifter if your wedding didn't happen?

[Deleted User] · July 2015

I used my shower gifts right away prior to the wedding. My shower was 2-3 months before. How else are you supposed to write the perfect thank you note with the obligatory "I just found X was perfect for XYZ, thank you so much".

Now wedding gifts we didn't use until after the wedding or for returning purposes. I would say that if you didn't make it down the aisle, you should return the wedding gifts.

Viczaesar · July 2015

2xbridekeepingitreal said:

I used my shower gifts right away prior to the wedding. My shower was 2-3 months before. How else are you supposed to write the perfect thank you note with the obligatory "I just found X was perfect for XYZ, thank you so much".

Now wedding gifts we didn't use until after the wedding or for returning purposes. I would say that if you didn't make it down the aisle, you should return the wedding gifts.

You should also return the shower gifts if you don't make it down the aisle. And saying how you used a gift is not obligatory in thank you notes.

banana468 · July 2015

Viczaesar said:

2xbridekeepingitreal said:

I used my shower gifts right away prior to the wedding. My shower was 2-3 months before. How else are you supposed to write the perfect thank you note with the obligatory "I just found X was perfect for XYZ, thank you so much".

Now wedding gifts we didn't use until after the wedding or for returning purposes. I would say that if you didn't make it down the aisle, you should return the wedding gifts.

You should also return the shower gifts if you don't make it down the aisle. And saying how you used a gift is not obligatory in thank you notes.

This. And some people that are hardcore old school don't want to hear that you're using the shower gift because they gave it with the intention that you'll use it when you're married.

huskypuppy14 · July 2015

banana468 said:

Viczaesar said:

2xbridekeepingitreal said:

I used my shower gifts right away prior to the wedding. My shower was 2-3 months before. How else are you supposed to write the perfect thank you note with the obligatory "I just found X was perfect for XYZ, thank you so much".

Now wedding gifts we didn't use until after the wedding or for returning purposes. I would say that if you didn't make it down the aisle, you should return the wedding gifts.

You should also return the shower gifts if you don't make it down the aisle. And saying how you used a gift is not obligatory in thank you notes.

This. And some people that are hardcore old school don't want to hear that you're using the shower gift because they gave it with the intention that you'll use it when you're married.

Also, shower gifts are wedding gifts. Someone may just give a shower gift and then give you nothing at the wedding, because they already gave you a gift. All the gifts are surrounding the event of your wedding.

Also, how the hell are you supposed to write thank you notes in a timely manner if you have to use the gift first? I started writing my thank you notes the day after my shower and had them all done 2 days later.

Using shower gifts before the wedding?

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