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NWR: Treat all children equally - or the same?

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Re: NWR: Treat all children equally - or the same?

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited July 2015
    banana468 said:
    FWIW,  there are multiple levels of government security clearance.   Some are easier to get than others.   DH maintains a security level required for his employer and the financial qualifications for that clearance aren't as strict as what is required for an additional level.

    My ex BF knew that he would never be at a high level of security clearance because his parents had financial troubles and files for bankruptcy.    Those that we know with high level clearance have to go through a rigorous interview process (I have been interviewed for a friend's clearance) vs. simply submitting paperwork. 
    Yes, this is the *** deleted***.  It took almost two years for him to get it.  It is easy to lose with a simple screw up.  He doesn't do illegal drugs, drink irresponsibly, or associate with people who are foreign nationals.  He does have trouble waking up on time to get his ass to work, partially due to the meds he is on.
    We talked  Saturday, and he is OK with the trust idea, but he wanted us to know that he wouldn't blow the money if he got it all at once.  He says our fears are somewhat justified, but if he does have a family later (he is wife hunting), he would like the money for a house in a good school district and college funding for his kids.  Very understandable.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited July 2015
    Part of DH's fears are connected with his own experience.  FIL passed away in March.  Twenty-five years ago, when MIL died, she put her money (considerable) into a trust for her two children, with the provision that it could be used for FIL's medical or emergency expenses.
    FIL remarried, and blew through his own money in about ten years.  Then he started raiding the trust.  He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  There was about eleven years of family drama about the trust.  If there hadn't been one, he would have blown through that, too.  As it was, 2.5 million became a little more than one million.
    DH and his sister are sad about his mother's legacy, mostly because the farm had to be sold.  It had been in the family for 150 years.  We don't plan on spending this money ourselves, as we have provided for our own needs.  Currently step-mom isn't speaking to us and won't allow us in the door of the house.  DH would like some sentimental memorabilia, but we just don't know what will happen.  Step-mom owns the house, but it  has three mortgages, and she can't stay there without the trust, which was never in her name.
    DH tends to worry about everything.  This experience has been very stressful and sad for him.  Step-mom is a good person, but she doesn't understand money.
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    CMGragain said:
    banana468 said:
    FWIW,  there are multiple levels of government security clearance.   Some are easier to get than others.   DH maintains a security level required for his employer and the financial qualifications for that clearance aren't as strict as what is required for an additional level.

    My ex BF knew that he would never be at a high level of security clearance because his parents had financial troubles and files for bankruptcy.    Those that we know with high level clearance have to go through a rigorous interview process (I have been interviewed for a friend's clearance) vs. simply submitting paperwork. 
    Yes, this is the  highest level security clearance.  It took almost two years for him to get it.  It is easy to lose with a simple screw up.  He doesn't do illegal drugs, drink irresponsibly, or associate with people who are foreign nationals.  He does have trouble waking up on time to get his ass to work, partially due to the meds he is on.
    We talked  Saturday, and he is OK with the trust idea, but he wanted us to know that he wouldn't blow the money if he got it all at once.  He says our fears are somewhat justified, but if he does have a family later (he is wife hunting), he would like the money for a house in a good school district and college funding for his kids.  Very understandable.
    Then perhaps a provision could be written into the trust that at the birth of each child of your son a chunk of the trust could be put into a separate college trust.  And perhaps same for a house, where he could take a one time disbursement of $X for the purchase of a home, at a time of his chosing but showing a contract to purchase the house would be necessary to give the funds.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited July 2015
    LOL on FiancB's last post!  Well, he's really looking for his Amy Farrah Fowler!  He'll be a loyal, sympathetic husband - no gambling, not much drinking, no playing around with other women, but he'll forget her birthday and their wedding anniversary, and he is a MESS!
    Too bad everybody here is either married or engaged.
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2015
    redoryx said:
    CMGragain said:
    LOL on FiancB's last post!  Well, he's really looking for his Amy Farrah Fowler!  He'll be a loyal, sympathetic husband - no gambling, not much drinking, no playing around with other women, but he'll forget her birthday and their wedding anniversary, and he is a MESS!
    Too bad everybody here is either married or engaged.

    I know you are partially kidding, or at least I hope you are, because it sounds like you -- and possibly your son -- are more concerned with the idea of him being married rather than the woman he'll actually eventually marry. 

    This. Honestly, CMGr, You sound like the MOG version of the brides who care more about the wedding than the marriage. I don't have any issues with you and I know (I hope) you mean the best, but if you talk about your son getting married to him as often as you do to us, you might be putting unnecessary pressure and anxiety on him. Edited for typo.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    No, this is his idea.  I know better to choose his ladies, and, yes, I was kidding!  If he ever finds "the one", I promise to be the nicest MIL ever!
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  • BeckyNHarroldBeckyNHarrold member
    First Anniversary First Comment

    I think you should set both your kids down at the same time and tell them what you have told us. Get their opinions.  You might not die for another 50 years (don't know your age) your kids might die before you do.  So...then what?

    If you are going the "dole it out" route for your DS, I would have the will and trust written out that if DS becomes unemployed that an amount (all?) be given in a lump payment.  That way if he really does NEED the money it would be there to help him out. 

    As another post-er  pointed out, that, by the time you die your DD might have already gotten her larger home. Your son may have married a woman who is a billionaire....

    Can you use your money to help the kids out now?  Talk to your financial planner (after you talk to your kids) and see How/what ways you could give them money now.  Your son could use your money to get some ADD meds (My Fi takes Vyvanse and it has made a world of difference) and seek some therapy and also see his own financial planner. And maybe use the money to install Fire fighting equipment near his forge.   Maybe your gift of money now would help your DD hurry into her new home instead of having to wait until you turn 120 and croak.


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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited July 2015
    BeckyNHarrold said:

    I think you should set both your kids down at the same time and tell them what you have told us. Get their opinions.  You might not die for another 50 years (don't know your age) your kids might die before you do.  So...then what?

    If you are going the "dole it out" route for your DS, I would have the will and trust written out that if DS becomes unemployed that an amount (all?) be given in a lump payment.  That way if he really does NEED the money it would be there to help him out. 

    As another post-er  pointed out, that, by the time you die your DD might have already gotten her larger home. Your son may have married a woman who is a billionaire....

    Can you use your money to help the kids out now?  Talk to your financial planner (after you talk to your kids) and see How/what ways you could give them money now.  Your son could use your money to get some ADD meds (My Fi takes Vyvanse and it has made a world of difference) and seek some therapy and also see his own financial planner. And maybe use the money to install Fire fighting equipment near his forge.   Maybe your gift of money now would help your DD hurry into her new home instead of having to wait until you turn 120 and croak.


    Becky, I know you are new.  I have stage 4 terminal cancer, and my life expectancy is probably less than five years.  I am 64.  This is partly what prompted my post, and everyone's posts have been very helpful.
    My children are completely self supporting right now.  They don't need anything, and if they do, we help them out.  I do want them to experience being on their own as adults, since they are now in their 30's.
    Thank you for your response.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    CMGragain said:
    BeckyNHarrold said:

    I think you should set both your kids down at the same time and tell them what you have told us. Get their opinions.  You might not die for another 50 years (don't know your age) your kids might die before you do.  So...then what?

    If you are going the "dole it out" route for your DS, I would have the will and trust written out that if DS becomes unemployed that an amount (all?) be given in a lump payment.  That way if he really does NEED the money it would be there to help him out. 

    As another post-er  pointed out, that, by the time you die your DD might have already gotten her larger home. Your son may have married a woman who is a billionaire....

    Can you use your money to help the kids out now?  Talk to your financial planner (after you talk to your kids) and see How/what ways you could give them money now.  Your son could use your money to get some ADD meds (My Fi takes Vyvanse and it has made a world of difference) and seek some therapy and also see his own financial planner. And maybe use the money to install Fire fighting equipment near his forge.   Maybe your gift of money now would help your DD hurry into her new home instead of having to wait until you turn 120 and croak.


    Becky, I know you are new.  I have stage 4 terminal cancer, and my life expectancy is probably less than five years.  I am 64.  This is partly what prompted my post, and everyone's posts have been very helpful.
    My children are completely self supporting right now.  They don't need anything, and if they do, we help them out.  I do want them to experience being on their own as adults, since they are now in their 30's.
    Thank you for your response.
    Up until FH's grandpa died last year, his estate would gift each of his four children the gift tax limit.  FH's parents would, in turn, give FH and his brother each a grand or two.  They figure since they got the money "for free" they should pass it along.  Getting bonus money, even if you're "on your own as an adult" is awesome!  You can put it in your retirement fund, pay off a credit card bill, or put it in the savings account for a vacation next summer.  I'm with the new girl, give them some money now, even if it's just a grand occasionally.  Fun money is awesome!
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  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    adk19 said:
    Up until FH's grandpa died last year, his estate would gift each of his four children the gift tax limit.  FH's parents would, in turn, give FH and his brother each a grand or two.  They figure since they got the money "for free" they should pass it along.  Getting bonus money, even if you're "on your own as an adult" is awesome!  You can put it in your retirement fund, pay off a credit card bill, or put it in the savings account for a vacation next summer.  I'm with the new girl, give them some money now, even if it's just a grand occasionally.  Fun money is awesome!
    I like the grand occasion idea.  I especially like it if it's done as a family.  My parents, DH and I went on a wonderful vacation a couple of years ago.  It was a bit pricey, but I know I will cherish those memories and talk about it many, many years from now.  That experience was worth more than the money.   I would take some of the money now and plan some wonderful experiences for you and your family that they can remember and look back on years from now.
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    JoanE2012 said:
    adk19 said:
    Up until FH's grandpa died last year, his estate would gift each of his four children the gift tax limit.  FH's parents would, in turn, give FH and his brother each a grand or two.  They figure since they got the money "for free" they should pass it along.  Getting bonus money, even if you're "on your own as an adult" is awesome!  You can put it in your retirement fund, pay off a credit card bill, or put it in the savings account for a vacation next summer.  I'm with the new girl, give them some money now, even if it's just a grand occasionally.  Fun money is awesome!
    I like the grand occasion idea.  I especially like it if it's done as a family.  My parents, DH and I went on a wonderful vacation a couple of years ago.  It was a bit pricey, but I know I will cherish those memories and talk about it many, many years from now.  That experience was worth more than the money.   I would take some of the money now and plan some wonderful experiences for you and your family that they can remember and look back on years from now.

    LOVE this idea!  @CMGragain - have you guys ever vacationed as a family?  In a year or two your grandson would be able to remember an awesome trip to Disney!
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  • FiancBFiancB member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    My sister has brought up something similar. Wouldn't it be fun to see them enjoy most of the money before you are gone? That might also give you a better idea of how they'll do with it and you can adjust accordingly.
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  • emmaaaemmaaa mod
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    FiancB said:
    My sister has brought up something similar. Wouldn't it be fun to see them enjoy most of the money before you are gone? That might also give you a better idea of how they'll do with it and you can adjust accordingly.
    I think that's a solid idea. If you give them each one lump sum now, you can tell how it will be used. If you see that your son blows through it, then you can adjust your will to reflect yearly payments to him. Someone mentioned earlier that you could have a clause in the will stating that he receive the lump sum under the stipulation he hire a financial adviser or somehting.

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