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Waiting for the Ring...

casey1219casey1219 member
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in Not Engaged Yet
I have been lurking here for longer than I will admit. Honestly, I refrained from posting for quite a while because I was hoping I would get to move to the happily engaged boards or something like that. However, right now that is not the case. I sincerely hope someone here can relate/sympathize, because I feel slightly crazy.

My sweet fella and I have been together for a little over a year. Yes, I know some of you are already rolling your eyes at that statement because I know there are women who have been waiting on their men for much longer than I. 

Back in the winter, we had discussed the possibility of getting married in June or July. (Our July date would have been this Saturday, so maybe that's why I'm so gloomy.) Not long after that discussion, his temporary job fell through, and we had to put plans to a halt. I understood that, because I know a wedding takes money. However, I'm at a more stable place in my life. I've been teaching for three years. He's working, but his current job is paying very little. We went and looked at rings about a month ago, but each time he's mentioned buying a ring, something happens. The latest has been a minor car accident, and his vehicle was pretty much on its last leg to begin with, so that puts us in a bind. We've talked about getting married in March before our 2 year anniversary, but I don't know what lies ahead. I'm extremely discouraged, and I just want to start forever with him. It's not about a wedding. It's about marrying him.

I can barely keep my mouth shut about it. I feel like I'm hounding him, and I don't mean to. It's just I'm crazy about him, and I'm ready for us to have a life together. I don't want to move in together, because I want to be married before I live with him. I've become so obsessed with the whole thing, and I know eventually, he will get tired of my asking. It's just so hard to be patient when I see couples who have barely been together for a few months getting engaged. I'm ready now.

I don't want to seem selfish, because there have been several valid circumstances for his not proposing. I guess all I want here is for someone to tell me I'm not as crazy as I feel.
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Re: Waiting for the Ring...

  • LizzyTish88LizzyTish88 member
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    untouchablets said:
    Swazzle said:
    Knottie13946584 said:
    I have been lurking here for longer than I will admit. Honestly, I refrained from posting for quite a while because I was hoping I would get to move to the happily engaged boards or something like that. However, right now that is not the case. I sincerely hope someone here can relate/sympathize, because I feel slightly crazy.

    My sweet fella and I have been together for a little over a year. Yes, I know some of you are already rolling your eyes at that statement because I know there are women who have been waiting on their men for much longer than I. 

    Back in the winter, we had discussed the possibility of getting married in June or July. (Our July date would have been this Saturday, so maybe that's why I'm so gloomy.) Not long after that discussion, his temporary job fell through, and we had to put plans to a halt. I understood that, because I know a wedding takes money. However, I'm at a more stable place in my life. I've been teaching for three years. He's working, but his current job is paying very little. We went and looked at rings about a month ago, but each time he's mentioned buying a ring, something happens. The latest has been a minor car accident, and his vehicle was pretty much on its last leg to begin with, so that puts us in a bind. We've talked about getting married in March before our 2 year anniversary, but I don't know what lies ahead. I'm extremely discouraged, and I just want to start forever with him. It's not about a wedding. It's about marrying him.

    I can barely keep my mouth shut about it. I feel like I'm hounding him, and I don't mean to. It's just I'm crazy about him, and I'm ready for us to have a life together. I don't want to move in together, because I want to be married before I live with him. I've become so obsessed with the whole thing, and I know eventually, he will get tired of my asking. It's just so hard to be patient when I see couples who have barely been together for a few months getting engaged. I'm ready now.

    I don't want to seem selfish, because there have been several valid circumstances for his not proposing. I guess all I want here is for someone to tell me I'm not as crazy as I feel.
    So, because there are women on this board that are not engaged, that means they're unhappy? Weddings and marriage aren't the cure for unhappiness, FYI. 

    Thank. You. I hate when people act like engagement/marriage is the be all end all of a relationship. THAT makes me more tired than being one of those girls she's talking about who have been "waiting much longer." Yeesh.
    ALL OF THIS!!! 

    Just because I am not engaged doesn't mean I can't be happy. My BF has the ring, and through calm, adult conversations I have discovered that he is waiting to propose because he has financial worries. He wants to be sure that we will have enough money to pay for the wedding that we want and also to have children soon after we get married. I want to be married right now, but he's not ready, so we're waiting. Doesn't make me any less happy!

    I also fail to see how You're "not living your live" if your not engaged/married. There is much more to life than that.

    Stick around, let us get to know you and get your mind off of wanting the ring RIGHTTHISSECOND. Also, have a conversation with your BF about it. Let him know what's important to you and listen to what is important to him and work together to get there.
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  • speakeasy14speakeasy14 member
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    I had a whole response typed up, but changed my mind.  Future reference, if you are going to post on a board, don't insult the people you are seeking advice from.

    Focus on your relationship as it is now.  Stop setting dates you want to be married by, as you have already experienced, sometimes life happens and changes those timelines.  Instead have a conversation with your boyfriend and let him know your concerns. Find a new hobby or two to keep your mind distracted.  If you stick around, this is an awesome group of women.  
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  • casey1219casey1219 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited July 2015
    Oh wow. I really am sorry if it seemed like I was implying that people here on this board are unhappy. I phrased it in that way because I honestly wasn't sure what the board for engaged couples was called. I honestly did not mean to offend anyone in any way.

    I know how ridiculous I sound. Believe me. I've rolled my own eyes at myself because I'm so impatient. If the truth were told, I'm more frustrated with me than I am with BF. My impatience is my biggest downfall... not just in our relationship, but in most areas of my life. I'm not proud of it, but it's sadly who I am.

    He really is trying, and I can see that. Back in December before his job fell through, he bought me the most beautiful Open Hearts ring that really resembles an engagement ring. I had been wanting it since long before he and I started dating, so it was a sweet surprise. I told him that this ring would do fine for an engagement ring, but he insisted that my ring must come from a jewelry store. I've told him we could have a really small wedding just to make things legal for the time being, but he knows how I've always wanted a church wedding with all our friends and family. He's also working construction right now, and he is worried about that type of work, especially when it's so weather-dependent. Earlier this week, he had some promising news of a job and a really great interview for a wonderful job with awesome benefits. Fingers crossed about that.

    Now, for those of you asking more about me...

    I'm 25. BF is 25. Live in Tennessee, and I'm a kindergarten teacher. The only thing I gush about more than my guy is my career. I love the little people in my life, and even after they leave my classroom, I still call them "my kids". When things aren't quite right in my personal life, the children I teach help me pull it together. We both go to church and play music together, enjoy road trips, and are extremely family oriented. 

    I really hope I didn't start off on the wrong foot here. I'd like to talk with you!
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    PPs have given you good advice - especially the part about realizing that your life together started when you met. My only additional advice is to stop picking dates. You aren't engaged, you don't need to worry about a date and it's only going to drive you crazy. In 50 years it isn't going to matter if you got engaged now or in a couple years from now.



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  • justbeingme93justbeingme93 member
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    @knottie13946584

    I am absolutely right there with you on (im)patiently waiting.This past year I have been working hard on being more patient and recognizing that my relationship with my SO is exactly where it needs to be at this moment. Have a glass of wine and read this article:  CLICK HERE . When I am having a particularly tough time, it helps to read it over and, of course, talk to these wonderful ladies. 

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  • beanbot2002beanbot2002 member
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    edited July 2015
    Wrong thread LOL WTG Me
    "Stuart was scared, but he loved Margalo, Mommy. And there is nothing bigger than love." -The Bean
     "His farts smell like Satan's asshole mixed with a skunk's vagina. But it's okay, because I love him." -CSousa









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  • phiraphira member
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    So, technically, all of the boards are for engaged people. I'm not sure why there's a not engaged yet board (I'm guessing it was meant for pre-planners?), but while plenty of folks here are not engaged yet, other people are single, engaged, or married. So this won't stop being a place for you if your relationship status changes.

    "Shockingly," I'm just going to echo other people's advice. It sounds like for most of your relationship, you've been focusing on engagement and marriage. Take a step back and focus on enjoying what you have.

    It's hard. "Enjoy the relationship as it is now!" is an abstract concept. And it's hard to change feelings; it's not as easy as going, "I'm just gonna feel differently!" So what can you do?

    1) Stop the wedding talk. If you slip up, it's fine, but if you catch yourself, don't talk about it.

    2) Focus on how your relationship is right now. What do you love about your relationship? What do you like to do together? Emotional energy goes into those things. For example, do you like cooking together? Going hiking? Listening to music? Do those things.

    3) @bethsmiles is right: Stop picking dates. Stop having deadlines for your relationship. It's harder than we make it sound, but it's doable, and it's important!

    4) Your relationship is unique. So the trajectory of your relationship is unique. It's very easy to compare yourself to other people, but it's a slippery slope. Yes, there are people who've waited longer to get engaged, and people who've gotten engaged sooner. There are people who've gotten engaged and married when they're younger than you, and there are people who've gotten engaged and married when they're older than you. There is no race. There is no competition.

    I can sort of hear it in your post. You defensively admit that you know that you might be judged for your impatience given the duration of your relationship, and you also mention that there are other people you know who got married very, very quickly. I think you're feeling a lot of pressure from expectations: yours and other people's, real or just assumed.

    Hell, I was so terrified of being judged for moving in with my now-husband after only 10 months (we had to find an apartment and sign a lease 5 months into our relationship) that I had a stress dream where my friends and family held an intervention for me. Why was I so worried? Because I was convinced that people would judge us for signing a lease after 5 months, and because my older brother hadn't moved in with his partner until they'd been dating for two and a half years.

    How did people react? Not that well because we moved on September 1st (the worst day to move in Boston; everyone is moving), but otherwise, they were all really excited for us. Because it was the right decision for us to make, and it was irrelevant how long (or not) other people waited to move in together.
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  • casey1219casey1219 member
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    edited July 2015

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  • casey1219casey1219 member
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    @phira, @bethsmiles, and @justbeingme93, thank you.

    I took the advice, gave myself a reality check, and decided to try my best to just enjoy the here and now. I've been known to live in the future, and it's caused me to miss out on a lot of awesome things. 

    We had a long discussion tonight in which I apologized for being so consumed with getting engaged. At one point he said, "Well, it would be nice if we could get married in February...." I told him for now, I'd rather not even discuss potential dates. Right now, we'll save money, get things lined up, and go from there. Then we can discuss dates. As of now, I think that's best for us both, because it gives him no timeline, and I don't spend so much energy worrying.

    Truthfully, we have a wonderful relationship. We're happy together, and we both want the same things. At the end of the day, we know we have something special, and I don't want to ruin it.

    But... I do have to ask. How many of you constantly got/get asked, "When are you getting married?" or "Are you all engaged yet?" Then the asking party proceeds to ask a million questions as to why it hasn't happened... I don't want to be rude, but I don't feel like I need to answer that question. I wish I could come up with a polite way to answer questions when it's really none of their business. Does anyone else get tired of those questions, and am I awful for feeling like I don't owe them an explanation?



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  • SwazzleSwazzle member
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    @Knottie13946584 - I'm really impressed by your responses in this thread and I truly hope you stick around! You should change your username to something more "you" (Knottie#s is the standard/default username given to all new users on the boards). 

    As for your question, my H and I started dating when we were 21 (right before both of our 22nd birthdays, that is). We moved in together very quickly (4 months later) which I know people totally sideeyed but it's what we wanted to do and it worked for us. We didn't get engaged for 4  years (we had both just turned 26). I got the "when are you getting married" question a lot in that last year or so before we got engaged, including at my grandfather's funeral a few weeks before H proposed, sigh. But again, that was after being together for 3 years and living together for most of that time. 

    I think that location has a little bit to do with it. I think in some parts of the country it's more common and expected that people marry young but that doesn't mean it's what you HAVE to do. You have to do what's right for you and your SO and try your best to ignore though outside forces. Remember that there are only 2 people in your relationship and those are the only opinions that matter when it comes down to it.



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  • jenjen047jenjen047 member
    1000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    It sounds like you've made some great progress. I will just add my 2 cents re: timelines. FI and I moved in after 3 months and got engaged at 1 year. I'm 28 he's 24. I've had one friend make a comment about things moving quickly but it doesn't bother me because, like PP have said, each relationship is unique.
    Definitely stick around, this group is great. If any of these feelings return, we are here to help!
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  • speakeasy14speakeasy14 member
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    I'm also really impressed with how you have reacted to our posts.  Also glad you decided to live in the present.  You'll be so much happier. 

    To answer your question:  I get asked all the time. It is no one's business. If I'm not particularly close with the person I will usually say something sarcastic to make them just as uncomfortable.  If it is someone I should be polite to, I usually say "Someday, right now we're just enjoying living in the moment.  We're not in any rush."

    Stick around, change your username so we can identify you. It's a great group here. 
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  • Hummingbird125Hummingbird125 member
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    To answer your last question, when I was engaged I would occasionally get asked that and always managed to laugh it off while saying something like "Eventually!" or "We'll see!". After we had been together for a few years I felt comfortable saying "Well...ask him!", but I always did my best to not put H in an awkward position.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
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    I completely understand your frustration with being asked "When are you getting engaged?" "Why hasn't it happened yet?" It's frustrating especially when people are persistent in asking. Like @Hummingbird125 I just tried to brush it off by giving a short answer like "Eventually!" and changing the subject.


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  • untouchabletsuntouchablets member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I get asked that question like once a day, sometimes more. Right now I'm on the defensive "well maybe I don't wanna be engaged right now" or "none of your business" because it makes me feel crappy when they talk bad about BF taking so long. We met when we were 18, it's fine that we aren't engaged yet. We are only 24.
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  • LizzyTish88LizzyTish88 member
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    "Someday"

    "Hopefully soon"

    "You'll have to ask him about that one!"

    "Have you tried my taco salad?"

    "I'll be right back, I'm going to get another beer."


    All said this weekend in no particular order, and numerous times.
    friends tv show funy
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  • casey1219casey1219 member
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    Okay, screen name is changed.

    LOL, you all have given some GREAT responses. Typically, I'm fairly sarcastic and sassy, but some of the people who ask us are quite a bit older. I know they mean well, but I get frustrated. It seriously NEVER. STOPS.

    For example, BF is a preacher. Anywhere he goes to preach, I go with him. I like to support him and what he does. One man in particular literally asks us every time... "So you all are married now, right?" or "Your wife really is a good one isn't she?" or "You proud of that husband of yours?" One night a few months ago, he even went to the lengths of introducing us to his family as that "sweet married couple from church". This put us in an awkward position and we had to stop him to say, "Um, we're not married."

    I'm sure a lot of it comes from the area in which we live, and I've always been a people pleaser. When people pressure me, I feel the need to rise to the occasion. However, in my personal life, I can't rush something that is such a big deal.
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  • LizzyTish88LizzyTish88 member
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    You get a thumbs up on the username. (However I am extremely bias!) 

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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    We weren't really asked, but we got engaged just shy of 2 years together, so I don't think anyone was really thinking, "WOW why aren't you guys engaged yet?" At least not in our families/friend groups.

    It definitely sounds like an irritating external pressure! And kudos for your handling of your convo with your boyfriend. It would be tempting to say, "Okay, February!" but you really stuck to your plan. Major respect.
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  • casey1219casey1219 member
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    edited July 2015
    Thanks, everyone! I'm glad I decided to post here. Between the advice and the long conversation with him, I really do feel much better. With waiting until things have fallen into place, we'll just be more secure in the future. It may take longer than we'd both like, but that's okay. 

    We did discuss our biggest hurdles and what it would take for us to be able to become engaged. I thought that was a good conversation to have. It gives us a vision of what we need to have together before getting married. When we talked about those things, I couldn't help but think... "Hold your horses. There's no way we can get married now." Sometimes, you just need a little perspective. Thankfully, he's the rational thinker of our relationship. ;)

    @phira, you're right... Totally tempting to agree with February, but I also know if it didn't happen by then, I'd be disappointed again. Right now, I think it's extremely important that I enjoy where we are at this point.
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  • IrishPirate60IrishPirate60 member
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    And no one has mentioned that you'll get hit with "Are you pregnant?" As soon as you give them an answer to the current question!
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  • casey1219casey1219 member
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    edited July 2015
    @IrishPirate60 Oh, we got a question similar to that last night. His nephew's mom is here visiting for a few weeks. We came in from church, changed clothes, and sat down on the couch to talk to his mom and dad.

    Then, as BF and I are talking to each other, his nephew's mom said, "Well, I have to ask the million dollar question... When are ya'll having babies?"

    I. was. floored. First of all, I barely know this woman. She's only 3 years older than us, and I have been around her maybe 4 times the whole time BF and I have been together. Next, I want to be married for a few years before I have kids. Not that it's anyone's business, but definitely not the concern of a woman who is more or less a stranger to me.

    BF was not happy. He quickly put her in her place. She laughed it off and said, "Well, I always have to ask. We need to know." 


    ...some people just don't get it.
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  • anidorikiladraanidorikiladra member
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    edited July 2015
    casey1219 said:

    @IrishPirate60 Oh, we got a question similar to that last night. His nephew's mom is here visiting for a few weeks. We came in from church, changed clothes, and sat down on the couch to talk to his mom and dad.


    Then, as BF and I are talking to each other, his nephew's mom said, "Well, I have to ask the million dollar question... When are ya'll having babies?"

    I. was. floored. First of all, I barely know this woman. She's only 3 years older than us, and I have been around her maybe 4 times the whole time BF and I have been together. Next, I want to be married for a few years before I have kids. Not that it's anyone's business, but definitely not the concern of a woman who is more or less a stranger to me.

    BF was not happy. He quickly put her in her place. She laughed it off and said, "Well, I always have to ask. We need to know." 


    ...some people just don't get it.
    Wow that is so rude! "We need to know" No, you don't.
    Edited to add: Correct me if I'm wrong, but if your BF is a preacher wouldn't it be assumed you'd marry before even living together, let alone having kids? Seems a weird thing to ask you before you're married.
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  • speakeasy14speakeasy14 member
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    @casey1219image
    omg I would have thrown something.  
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  • casey1219casey1219 member
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    @anidorikiladra You're right. Most people do automatically assume that we won't be living together before marriage, and we aren't going to. After she asked, she said, "I always have to ask." I don't know what's worse, the fact that she has no tact whatsoever or she feels entitled to our business.

    @speakeasy14 The only reaction I could muster was a roll of the eyes and a grumble under my breath, because I was shocked that she would even ask that question. Like I said, I was just floored. Then she said, "He usually gives me a hateful look and a mean answer." Well, duh.

    When she said she was going to ask the million dollar question, I assumed it would be a question about us getting engaged/married. I think I'd rather answer that for the millionth time rather than an almost stranger asking me about when we plan to have kids.
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