My Sister is Having a PPD...

pinupbride6189 · July 2015

My sister just called me. She and I had been planning our weddings together, as she had a date set for March and I for April. She just called to tell me that she and her FI (I guess, now, H...) had just had a small ceremony on the pier with our parents there just, "to take care of the legal stuff," because he, "might get orders to leave soon," but, "don't worry because we're still doing the whole shebang in March."

She said she would have told me before, but didn't think I could have made it down in time. I work on sundays, but if she had given me a heads up and had it on Friday or Saturday, I'd have been there in a heartbeat. It's only a 6.5 hour drive. She kept asking me not to be mad at her, and let me know that they were trying to keep it a secret because they wanted everyone else to think they were getting married on their "actual wedding day."

I told her I wasn't mad, but that I was very hurt. And I am. I am supposed to be her maid of honor at her PPD, but she didn't even want to give me the chance of being there for the real thing? I'm also a little upset that she wants me to be complicit in lying to the rest of our family.

I told FI what happened, and of course his only response was, "Do we still get cake in March?" Ugh.

redoryx · July 2015

Yeah, there's no way in hell I'd be part of any of that and I'd have absolutely no problem telling my sister what she was doing was wrong and if she didn't tell people, I would.

AddieCake · July 2015

Ugh. Sorry she wasn't up front with you, and it blows that she plans to deceive the future guests.

manateehugger · July 2015

I'm so sorry. I'd be furious with my parents. FURIOUS. And I know all family dynamics aren't the same, but I imagine my sisters and I would have had it out over something like this.

I was a BM in a PPD, though I didn't know until later. What bothered me the most was the lie and how I'd been made to participate. I don't think I could have stood up there knowing they were lying to everyone there to wish them well. Good luck with your decision.

Also the military orders is always such a lame excuse. Especially because orders can and often do change. Did she want the military to pay to move her?

pinupbride6189 · July 2015

manateehugger said:

I'm so sorry. I'd be furious with my parents. FURIOUS. And I know all family dynamics aren't the same, but I imagine my sisters and I would have had it out over something like this. I was a BM in a PPD, though I didn't know until later. What bothered me the most was the lie and how I'd been made to participate. I don't think I could have stood up there knowing they were lying to everyone there to wish them well. Good luck with your decision. Also the military orders is always such a lame excuse. Especially because orders can and often do change. Did she want the military to pay to move her?

I haven't even talked to my parents about it yet. I'm assuming they're fine with it, because my dad is still funding most of her PPD. Though, she said it was short notice, and now I am wondering how short notice it was, because I was just on the phone with my mom a few days ago and she didn't say anything.

As for the orders, they don't even actually know whether or not he'll be leaving soon, he just might be leaving. Possibly. She didn't say that she wanted the military to pay to move her, just that she wanted to be able to go with him and they would look down on him for living with a woman who wasn't his wife (I had to roll my eyes at this, I'm active duty, and I know this isn't true).

ETA: Also, they're living together now, so...what's the difference?

sarahufl · July 2015

I was a BM in a typical military PPD. But it didn't bother me, because the couple was SUPER upfront about the whole thing. Literally everyone knew.

What would bother me more is my sister getting married without me. I'm sorry that happened, I would be devestated.

banana468 · July 2015

I'd be furious with my sister and furious with my parents. And I'd tell her that I'm not going to be complicit in her lie. If she wants to have the big event later I wouldn't stop her but I'm not going to pretend she's single either.

manateehugger · July 2015

Ah, so you probably know the military PPD drill then. Yeah, wtf to that notion if they live off post. Why would she try to sell that to you if you're in the service yourself? H and I lived together for 6 months before we got married. His BC knew, I think most people in his company knew (we had most of the officers and warrants over for dinner pre marriage), and absolutely no one cared. And I moved to H before we got married and then became an acquired dependent. I guess that's all moot though.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Hope you can find a way to move forward and that she'll come to understand how she hurt you. And I hope she realizes she's better off being honest (especially if they're apparently telling military people to avoid judgement - how's that one suppose to work if they're keeping the marriage quiet?)

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Can't link to the meme I want: "nuh uh- not cool" douchey Aaron from Bring it On

pinupbride6189 · July 2015

If she were being up front about it, it'd be fine. I'd still be hurt because I wasn't there, but at least she wouldn't be trying to pull the wool over anyone's eyes. It's just a double whammy. When I was on the phone with her I didn't really have time to figure out what to really say to her because I was in shock and was in the process of trying to get dressed for work. I'm still just kind of taken aback and kind of pissed. And also aggravated that FI doesn't get why I'm upset. He told me that if I didn't have such strong feelings about it that we'd already be married "on paper." His parents did it, so he doesn't see what the big deal is.

jacques27 · July 2015

Ugh. I'm sorry. And a big ol' eyeroll to "on paper". Uhhh, no...that's called actually married. I can understand your frustration.

I know it's your sibling and all, and in your position, I would probably be pissed and hurt and then eventually forgive, but I probably would make it clear that I would not be complicit in lying to other people for them. If they really felt that what they did wasn't shameful, then there's no reason to hide it and if they really wanted it to be a secret, then they shouldn't have told anyone. Once you tell someone something, you don't get to control the information anymore. It's unfair to expect others to keep your secrets for you and lie on top of it.

pinupbride6189 · July 2015

manateehugger said:

Ah, so you probably know the military PPD drill then. Yeah, wtf to that notion if they live off post. Why would she try to sell that to you if you're in the service yourself? H and I lived together for 6 months before we got married. His BC knew, I think most people in his company knew (we had most of the officers and warrants over for dinner pre marriage), and absolutely no one cared. And I moved to H before we got married and then became an acquired dependent. I guess that's all moot though. I'm sorry you're hurting. Hope you can find a way to move forward and that she'll come to understand how she hurt you. And I hope she realizes she's better off being honest (especially if they're apparently telling military people to avoid judgement - how's that one suppose to work if they're keeping the marriage quiet?)

Oh yeah, I'm very familiar. They live off post, he's an officer, just like, I don't see the problem, unless he was just trying to feed her that so that she would be more amenable to it.

I'll be fine, it just kind of sucks. I'll probably talk to her and my parents about it and let them know how I feel. Past that, you bet your ass all her anniversary cards are being sent in July.

justsuzie · July 2015

This is not something you should be asking strangers advice for. Ask yourself what the right thing is for you to do. You care more than anyone else, and will have to live with your decision.

pinupbride6189 · July 2015

Knottie1427322490 said:

This is not something you should be asking strangers advice for. Ask yourself what the right thing is for you to do. You care more than anyone else, and will have to live with your decision.

This was more just a vent on my part really. I know how I feel about it, but it's better for me to get it out to 'strangers' on the internet than it is for me to potentially damage my relationships with people IRL by flying off the handle before I can actually thing through and calculate my responses. Even though I didn't explicitly ask for advice, everyone here is allowed to comment however they see fit. I appreciate your concern, though.

photokitty · July 2015

Knottie1427322490 said:
This is not something you should be asking strangers advice for. Ask yourself what the right thing is for you to do. You care more than anyone else, and will have to live with your decision.

Many of us are not strangers to pinup or each other. You need to do a little more lurking and change your screen name. Some your advice and comments haven't been very on point...this is a prime example.

I'm sorry you're going through this pinup. I'd be crushed. She and her husband were acting very selfishly. The fact that they invited the parents, but not the siblings would really hurt me. And that you are still welcome to buy a dress and pretend at the ppd. I assume she'll expect a shower and bachelorette party too?

hang in there!

lyndausvi · July 2015

We are going through a similar thing with DH's sibling. Got engaged, set a date for more than a year out. We live OOT and came into town for a visit. We were told then that in 2 weeks they were going to have the legal ceremony. The date a year out will be their "wedding". DH is to be the BM.

We were both hurt. Had we know we could have arranged our trip to be there for the legal ceremony. Both parents and a couple of the siblings of each of the couple were there.

I still have a hard time with DH organizing the "bachelor" party for an already married guy.

Sigh.

At least we know ahead of time. I just keep the snakiness to myself. Of course we will go to the wedding. We will support them. It's not our first PPD. The difference with this one is they didn't invite us to the legal ceremony. The other one we knew when the legal was going to be, we just could not make it. We made it to the Catholic ceremony, in Austria. Which Austria requires separate civil and religious, so they had to have 2 anyway.

I get being disappointed. I really do.

banana468 · July 2015

I hate hearing "on paper" like it's just where we tell puppies to pee and has nothing to do with all parts of the government seeing you as legally married. No one says "divorced on paper" or "arrested on paper" or "driving on paper" because all those signed documents are a big effing deal. The paper isn't without meaning simply because a Pnina Tornai creation wasn't worn while it was signed.

pinupbride6189 · July 2015

photokitty said:

This is not something you should be asking strangers advice for. Ask yourself what the right thing is for you to do. You care more than anyone else, and will have to live with your decision.
Many of us are not strangers to pinup or each other. You need to do a little more lurking and change your screen name. Some your advice and comments haven't been very on point...this is a prime example. I'm sorry you're going through this pinup. I'd be crushed. She and her husband were acting very selfishly. The fact that they invited the parents, but not the siblings would really hurt me. And that you are still welcome to buy a dress and pretend at the ppd. I assume she'll expect a shower and bachelorette party too? hang in there!

Thanks photokitty. Like I said, I am kind of hurt, and am trying to figure out the best way to express that without doing permanent damage to my relationship with my parents or my sister. And yes. I know she's expecting a shower because when her STD came in the mail the other day, registry info was included.

pinupbride6189 · July 2015

banana468 said:

I hate hearing "on paper" like it's just where we tell puppies to pee and has nothing to do with all parts of the government seeing you as legally married. No one says "divorced on paper" or "arrested on paper" or "driving on paper" because all those signed documents are a big effing deal. The paper isn't without meaning simply because a Pnina Tornai creation wasn't worn while it was signed.

I hate it too. That's why I have to put it in quotations marks because those are definitely not my words.

kmmssg · July 2015

pinupbride6189 said:

manateehugger said:

Ah, so you probably know the military PPD drill then. Yeah, wtf to that notion if they live off post. Why would she try to sell that to you if you're in the service yourself? H and I lived together for 6 months before we got married. His BC knew, I think most people in his company knew (we had most of the officers and warrants over for dinner pre marriage), and absolutely no one cared. And I moved to H before we got married and then became an acquired dependent. I guess that's all moot though.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Hope you can find a way to move forward and that she'll come to understand how she hurt you. And I hope she realizes she's better off being honest (especially if they're apparently telling military people to avoid judgement - how's that one suppose to work if they're keeping the marriage quiet?)

Oh yeah, I'm very familiar. They live off post, he's an officer, just like, I don't see the problem, unless he was just trying to feed her that so that she would be more amenable to it.

I'll be fine, it just kind of sucks. I'll probably talk to her and my parents about it and let them know how I feel. Past that, you bet your ass all her anniversary cards are being sent in July.

It just pisses me off when these couples keep it secret. I don't know what branch he is in but in the Army the 7 Army Values are
Loyalty
Duty
Respect
Selfless service
Integrity
Personal Courage.

The first letter of each line is LDRSHIP - leadership. You bold face lie to the most important people in your life and think I will respect and trust you as a leader? You want me to trust my life to your decisions and you are a big fat liar? What a disgrace to the officer corp.
Now I have attended PPDS where everyone and their brother knew the couple had jop'd. You tell the truth up front and I don't care if you wear the dress, cut the cake, or have a first dance. Be freaking honest about it and show integrity.

AddieCake · July 2015

Knottie1427322490 said:

This is not something you should be asking strangers advice for. Ask yourself what the right thing is for you to do. You care more than anyone else, and will have to live with your decision.

WTF?

mrscomposer · July 2015

Knottie1427322490 said:

This is not something you should be asking strangers advice for. Ask yourself what the right thing is for you to do. You care more than anyone else, and will have to live with your decision.

She's... not asking for advice? She's asking for us to commiserate with her because this is some bullshit.

I would be heartbroken if my sister got married without telling me, when she's my best friend and I was supposed to be her MOH. And I don't know if I could rein in the snark (or the truth) when talking about it with other people.

pinupbride6189 · July 2015

kmmssg said:

manateehugger said:

Ah, so you probably know the military PPD drill then. Yeah, wtf to that notion if they live off post. Why would she try to sell that to you if you're in the service yourself? H and I lived together for 6 months before we got married. His BC knew, I think most people in his company knew (we had most of the officers and warrants over for dinner pre marriage), and absolutely no one cared. And I moved to H before we got married and then became an acquired dependent. I guess that's all moot though. I'm sorry you're hurting. Hope you can find a way to move forward and that she'll come to understand how she hurt you. And I hope she realizes she's better off being honest (especially if they're apparently telling military people to avoid judgement - how's that one suppose to work if they're keeping the marriage quiet?)

Oh yeah, I'm very familiar. They live off post, he's an officer, just like, I don't see the problem, unless he was just trying to feed her that so that she would be more amenable to it.

I'll be fine, it just kind of sucks. I'll probably talk to her and my parents about it and let them know how I feel. Past that, you bet your ass all her anniversary cards are being sent in July.
It just pisses me off when these couples keep it secret. I don't know what branch he is in but in the Army the 7 Army Values are Loyalty Duty Respect Selfless service Integrity Personal Courage. The first letter of each line is LDRSHIP - leadership. You bold face lie to the most important people in your life and think I will respect and trust you as a leader? You want me to trust my life to your decisions and you are a big fat liar? What a disgrace to the officer corp. Now I have attended PPDS where everyone and their brother knew the couple had jop'd. You tell the truth up front and I don't care if you wear the dress, cut the cake, or have a first dance. Be freaking honest about it and show integrity.

He's Navy, like me. Our core values are honor, courage, and commitment. But yeah, same basic idea, and same huge disappointment.

redheadbride15 · July 2015

I know PPDs are not popular around here, and I certainly wouldn't have wanted one. That being said, I've been to quite a few in my life and while I find them a bit disappointing I'm never really that offended. HOWEVER, in all of those cases the couple has been very up-front with the fact that they were already legally married beforehand. I'm totally not down with the whole "deceiving your guests" thing. I'd tell your sister if she's going to do it that way she really needs to tell people, and that you won't lie on her behalf.

banana468 · July 2015

pinupbride6189 said:

banana468 said:

I hate hearing "on paper" like it's just where we tell puppies to pee and has nothing to do with all parts of the government seeing you as legally married. No one says "divorced on paper" or "arrested on paper" or "driving on paper" because all those signed documents are a big effing deal. The paper isn't without meaning simply because a Pnina Tornai creation wasn't worn while it was signed.

I hate it too. That's why I have to put it in quotations marks because those are definitely not my words.

I apologize if it my post sounded like you weren't hating it. I definitely saw that you were disliking the "on paper" wording.

thespeshulestsnowflake · July 2015

Wow. I'd be pissed as fuck with her if she were my sister. More because she made the decision to not give you the option of trying to make it. As you said, she only lives 6.5 hours away. Had you been given the option you probably could have made it. I know I would have. I only have one sibling, and we are very close, and if he pulled something like this, I would question our relationship.

I wouldn't promise to keep their marriage a secret. That is not a lie I would keep from my family. I think you sister knows that having a PPD is wrong and that's why she wants to lie.

redoryx · July 2015

thespeshulestsnowflake said:

Wow. I'd be pissed as fuck with her if she were my sister. More because she made the decision to not give you the option of trying to make it. As you said, she only lives 6.5 hours away. Had you been given the option you probably could have made it. I know I would have. I only have one sibling, and we are very close, and if he pulled something like this, I would question our relationship.

I wouldn't promise to keep their marriage a secret. That is not a lie I would keep from my family. I think you sister knows that having a PPD is wrong and that's why she wants to lie.

This. I have one sister and if she pulled this BS and my parents knew about it and nobody told me, I would have to serious reconsider my relationship with all of them.

But to do all that and then ask me to lie to other families gets an AW HELL NO in my book.

photokitty · July 2015

pinupbride6189 said:

photokitty said:

This is not something you should be asking strangers advice for. Ask yourself what the right thing is for you to do. You care more than anyone else, and will have to live with your decision.
Many of us are not strangers to pinup or each other. You need to do a little more lurking and change your screen name. Some your advice and comments haven't been very on point...this is a prime example. I'm sorry you're going through this pinup. I'd be crushed. She and her husband were acting very selfishly. The fact that they invited the parents, but not the siblings would really hurt me. And that you are still welcome to buy a dress and pretend at the ppd. I assume she'll expect a shower and bachelorette party too? hang in there!

Thanks photokitty. Like I said, I am kind of hurt, and am trying to figure out the best way to express that without doing permanent damage to my relationship with my parents or my sister. And yes. I know she's expecting a shower because when her STD came in the mail the other day, registry info was included.

So much awful. If I were you I would not offer to host the shower. If your mom wants to play along with the charade, then let her throw the shower. I would go to any pre-wedding event hosted by others, but I wouldn't host any. I also would not tell anyone she got married, bc she is my sister and I wouldn't want to hurt feelings on either end, but I would not lie if anyone asked specifically.

I would be super pissed at my parents for not telling me so i could be at the wedding. This reminds me of the poster who told us about the couple that got married with only the 2 moms present and lied to the dads about the wedding/PPD.

I feel for you, this would have major repercussions on my relationship with my sister. Probably bc I've dealt with similar, but very different situations. My sister and her wife went to DC and got married, bc our state didn't allow gay marriage (Yea SCOTUS!!) and came back and had a commitment ceremony. We all knew up front and were thrilled for them, bc they couldn't do anything about having a PPD since they couldn't legally be married here. I was sad we couldn't all go to their DC wedding, but I wasn't blindsided and you couldn't blame someone for wanting a ceremony at home with all their family and friends when the law prevented it (Thank God we don't have that problem any longer!!) On the other hand, my DH's sister recently got married and we were invited bc she lied about something major that ruined her relationship with DH and my other SIL. I don't see any reconciliation happen there.

pinupbride6189 · July 2015

I also only have the one sister, so yeah, it definitely hit hard. And you bet your ass if I'd been given the option I'd have been there. Even if she'd insisted on having it on a day that I worked, I'd have taken the time off.

onefootinthebayou · July 2015

Knottie1427322490 said: This is not something you should be asking strangers advice for. Ask yourself what the right thing is for you to do. You care more than anyone else, and will have to live with your decision. BOX BOX BOX-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a narrow-minded viewpoint of what these forums really are. Yes, many of us are indeed strangers to one another (although I've met a couple IRL and surprise, they are humans and are pretty awesome) but IRL, we are married women/some men, brides or grooms to be, wedding guests, family members, siblings, parents, etc. We are here to listen to each other and provide advice when we can or just a sympathetic ear to "listen" to each other when things get tough. There is a diverse group here who can and will provide unbiased opinions and advice that you may not get from your RL friends/family who don't want to hurt your feelings if you (general you) are planning something rude.

@pinup, I'm sorry you missed your sister get married and that she's putting you in that awkward spot of having to perpetuate a major lie. I went on a PPD rant to DH, SIL, & her husband a few weeks ago and DH was all, "Wow, this seems to bother you more than it bothers any of us" (we had just met a couple who married in secret but were planning a big "wedding" in the fall) and I was all "BUT THEY ARE LYING ABOUT SUCH A MAJOR THING!!" and no one seemed to think it was as offensive as I did. DH gets it now but I can see why you're a little frustrated w/Fi. I'm sure he'll come around.

Good luck, I hope your sister re-thinks her decision to deceive everyone and at least you can get through the dress-up day w/o that layer of awkwardness. Again, I don't know your family dynamic but like one PP said, I'd probably confront her with "if it's no big deal or there's nothing shameful you've done, why not just be open about it?"

pinupbride6189 · July 2015

I just got off the phone with my mom, and I think there were moments when we were both tearing up. I didn't yell or anything, but I did let her know how hurt I felt and how upsetting it was that between my mom, my dad, and my sister, everyone kind of silently agreed that it was ok not to let me know before hand.

She honestly didn't think I'd be upset or even want to come down for "the paperwork." She said that to her, that wasn't their wedding, it was just a step they took to get her in the Navy's system, and that she didn't feel any type of emotional reaction to the ceremony. I really don't know how that's possible because I felt a lot just from the pictures they were kind enough to text me.

Once she realized how hurt I was she was very apologetic and wished she could fix it. I know she wasn't the ringleader or anything, and I didn't call to purposely try and upset her, I just kind of feel like shit about the whole thing. I'm still debating on whether or not, and when to call my sister, mostly just because she's the type of person that if she doesn't like how the conversation is going, she just hangs up the phone.

My Sister is Having a PPD...

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