Cross posted to The Nest-The Very Hangry Wedding

housewifehobbyist · July 2015

I posted this in The Nest to vent, and someone PMed me to suggest I post it in this board as well as a big "What Not to Do". I honestly feel better now that I've vented and thankfully its all over, but I thought I'd share my "Wedding From Hell" story.

My little sister has always been a bit of a drama queen with a victim complex, and we've all catered to it because if we don't she just gets more dramatic and its just not worth the hassle. She's the free spirit, hippy, not-a-planner type.

When it came to her wedding, the not-a-planner thing became everyone else's issue too.

H and I flew cross country to her wedding, rented a place for four days so we could make it to the rehearsal and the brunch the day after. She received 20K from our parents as an engagement gift, intended for the wedding but my parents are clear we can use it for whatever we want. She bought a car and upgraded her ring with it, leaving approximately $7K. She decided to invite 150 people, for a 6:00 wedding on a Saturday night. She saves money by buying a used dress that was really pretty and well priced, but a full six sizes too big and by having my mother and I do her and her bridesmaids hair and makeup.

So we take a red eye over, sleep a few hours, and head an hour away to the rehearsal (very pretty location but very remote). Only there is no rehearsal. Its her and some wedding party members standing in a field drinking beers. No one discusses where the ceremony will take place or what the order of the procession is or where we should gather and walk from. Weird, and annoying for having to come out so far, but whatever. Rehearsal dinner of beer and burgers (NOT complaining about that!) follows.

Morning of the wedding I get up early, eat, and get showered and ready. Husband and father take the decorations to the venue to hang them and set up the décor. Sister lives a city over and the bridal party has no place to get ready so they use the rental house I'm sharing with my parents and H. There's only one bathroom so I want to be free and clear of it by the time everyone gets in at noon. At least they're bringing sandwiches and salads over for lunch then, as there's not much food at the rental house.

At 1:30 they still haven't arrived, so I send a text. The response was something like "Things are really busy and we're stressed, please don't stress me out more". Oooook.

3:00 they finally arrive, all eight of them at once, but no food. They ate before apparently, but I hadn't since I had been waiting for them. No time now since hair and makeup needs to get going ASAP, we were supposed to be heading to the venue by now. But wait- picture time! And dramatic one-by-one bridesmaid gift opening! Oh and they forgot to get water and soda for the wedding so H and my dad need to go to Cosco right now and get several cases of both. She'll write them a check for it later.

We finally get moving on hair and makeup, but at this point Sis is stressed and showing it. Her dress doesn't fit well in the top because (surprise!) The used one she bought online was too big to alter, which she found out two weeks before the wedding. My parents lent her an additional $1,200 for a new dress off the rack and some minor alterations, but there was only so much they could do given the time. She's ordering me back and forth doing her friends makeup and giving weird directions ("Make Sarah's eye pop! Sarah has great eyes!" "Use more blush on Jen she didn't sleep last night") Every time our mother or I ask her a question she snaps at us, so we just quietly do our work like unpaid hired help.

We rush through and get to the venue by 7:00, although the ceremony was supposed to start at 6:00. No rehearsal remember? So she snaps some more, irritated that we don't know where how we're supposed to stand or where we're supposed to go. Once we get that settled the ceremony goes well.

Now it's time for pictures so we're gathering people and heading off and figuring out who needs to be in what. It takes awhile, and I'm HUNGRY at this point because I haven't eaten in 12 hours. Finally we finish around 8:00 and I can go grab a plate from the buffet dinner she's having. There was no cocktail hour so I didn't even have a chance to send H off to get a little plate to tide me over. HUNGRY!

I actually cried when I saw the buffet and my sweet husband had to take me on a little walk around the venue property to calm down. There was three types of BBQ (which I'm allergic to), coleslaw, and dry rolls. That's it. I knew she was having a BBQ wedding buffet but I was counting on salad, mac and cheese, potatoes etc to fill my plate. I'm so stressed after being screamed at all day and then not eating, and now I'm in the middle of nowhere with no food. I admit I started to tear up from the sheer stress of the day, and I'm a crier so I had to go calm myself down before I cause a scene (eeerr "It's just so beautiful to see sister married!!")

I get back and fix a plate of coleslaw and rolls. Grab a bottle of water. Share a cup of beer from the keg with H because sis planned on one glass per guest and they ran out by the time we got back. H went to the car and found a plastic cup and some pretzels for me. My mom was upset because her best friend who had also flown cross country for this, and who has celiac disease, couldn't eat anything (there wasn't even a green salad) or drink anything besides water because there was just a few kegs of beer. I knew a cousin who had some wine from a vineyard trip in her car so I begged a bottle off her and found a glass for mom's friend. She was thankful. Mom was embarrassed by the whole thing, and not really happy that this is what her $20,000 had gone towards. We bit our tongues though.

H and I left early so we could stop by a diner on the way back and get a real dinner. Said goodbye to a distracted sister. Missed brunch the next day because H was sick all night (BBQ maybe? I didn't have any and felt fine). Truth be told I needed a break and didn't mind missing it.

The next contact I get from sis, a week later? "Thank you and H for helping out with our wedding! Couldn't have done it without you!"?

Nope.

"My makeup brush is missing. Did you take it?"

"You're welcome sweet sister. Glad we could help?"

KatWAG · July 2015

Wow. That sounds horrible. But I think a lot of this is on you and your mom.

You need to learn to that "no" is not a bad word.

housewifehobbyist · July 2015

Oh I forgot to mention here what I added later in the other post.

By "A bit of a drama queen" I mean she's completely nuts and has a tendency to freak out and scream and tell people they have viciously ruined her life. I already had a bad incident with her the last time I told her she was wrong that almost ruined Christmas for my awesome but elderly parents. At this point I don't want a relationship with her but I don't want to cause my parents any extra stress either. Luckily I only see her once every two years, and don't maintain contact with her in-between anymore.

banana468 · July 2015

This is exactly why parents sometimes pull the "our money, our strings" line.

I'm kind of surprised that there was no discussion at any point regarding how awful this plan was. I know a lot of that has to do with family dynamics but DH and I involved our parents every step of the way. If something like the above happened, there would be serious hell to pay.

NowIAmSyp · July 2015

Oh. My. God.

After ALL that, I would have said at least you could've had some beer (LOTS of beer) and relaxed- but even the beer ran out

Ugh. Terrible.

Jen4948 · July 2015

What a horrible story.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

Knowing how their daughter is you would think your parents would have put some restrictions on the money they gave her. Yes it was a gift that she could use however she wanted. And only using $7K towards a wedding is just fine, but since your parents know how your sister is they should have played a bigger role in the planning.

Unfortunately you and your parents have created this monster by always catering to her.

huskypuppy14 · July 2015

housewifehobbyist said:

I posted this in The Nest to vent, and someone PMed me to suggest I post it in this board as well as a big "What Not to Do". I honestly feel better now that I've vented and thankfully its all over, but I thought I'd share my "Wedding From Hell" story.

My little sister has always been a bit of a drama queen with a victim complex, and we've all catered to it because if we don't she just gets more dramatic and its just not worth the hassle. She's the free spirit, hippy, not-a-planner type.
When it came to her wedding, the not-a-planner thing became everyone else's issue too.
H and I flew cross country to her wedding, rented a place for four days so we could make it to the rehearsal and the brunch the day after. She received 20K from our parents as an engagement gift, intended for the wedding but my parents are clear we can use it for whatever we want. She bought a car and upgraded her ring with it, leaving approximately $7K. She decided to invite 150 people, for a 6:00 wedding on a Saturday night. She saves money by buying a used dress that was really pretty and well priced, but a full six sizes too big and by having my mother and I do her and her bridesmaids hair and makeup.
So we take a red eye over, sleep a few hours, and head an hour away to the rehearsal (very pretty location but very remote). Only there is no rehearsal. Its her and some wedding party members standing in a field drinking beers. No one discusses where the ceremony will take place or what the order of the procession is or where we should gather and walk from. Weird, and annoying for having to come out so far, but whatever. Rehearsal dinner of beer and burgers (NOT complaining about that!) follows.
Morning of the wedding I get up early, eat, and get showered and ready. Husband and father take the decorations to the venue to hang them and set up the décor. Sister lives a city over and the bridal party has no place to get ready so they use the rental house I'm sharing with my parents and H. There's only one bathroom so I want to be free and clear of it by the time everyone gets in at noon. At least they're bringing sandwiches and salads over for lunch then, as there's not much food at the rental house.
At 1:30 they still haven't arrived, so I send a text. The response was something like "Things are really busy and we're stressed, please don't stress me out more". Oooook.

3:00 they finally arrive, all eight of them at once, but no food. They ate before apparently, but I hadn't since I had been waiting for them. No time now since hair and makeup needs to get going ASAP, we were supposed to be heading to the venue by now. But wait- picture time! And dramatic one-by-one bridesmaid gift opening! Oh and they forgot to get water and soda for the wedding so H and my dad need to go to Cosco right now and get several cases of both. She'll write them a check for it later.
We finally get moving on hair and makeup, but at this point Sis is stressed and showing it. Her dress doesn't fit well in the top because (surprise!) The used one she bought online was too big to alter, which she found out two weeks before the wedding. My parents lent her an additional $1,200 for a new dress off the rack and some minor alterations, but there was only so much they could do given the time. She's ordering me back and forth doing her friends makeup and giving weird directions ("Make Sarah's eye pop! Sarah has great eyes!" "Use more blush on Jen she didn't sleep last night") Every time our mother or I ask her a question she snaps at us, so we just quietly do our work like unpaid hired help.
We rush through and get to the venue by 7:00, although the ceremony was supposed to start at 6:00. No rehearsal remember? So she snaps some more, irritated that we don't know where how we're supposed to stand or where we're supposed to go. Once we get that settled the ceremony goes well.
Now it's time for pictures so we're gathering people and heading off and figuring out who needs to be in what. It takes awhile, and I'm HUNGRY at this point because I haven't eaten in 12 hours. Finally we finish around 8:00 and I can go grab a plate from the buffet dinner she's having. There was no cocktail hour so I didn't even have a chance to send H off to get a little plate to tide me over. HUNGRY!
I actually cried when I saw the buffet and my sweet husband had to take me on a little walk around the venue property to calm down. There was three types of BBQ (which I'm allergic to), coleslaw, and dry rolls. That's it. I knew she was having a BBQ wedding buffet but I was counting on salad, mac and cheese, potatoes etc to fill my plate. I'm so stressed after being screamed at all day and then not eating, and now I'm in the middle of nowhere with no food. I admit I started to tear up from the sheer stress of the day, and I'm a crier so I had to go calm myself down before I cause a scene (eeerr "It's just so beautiful to see sister married!!")
I get back and fix a plate of coleslaw and rolls. Grab a bottle of water. Share a cup of beer from the keg with H because sis planned on one glass per guest and they ran out by the time we got back. H went to the car and found a plastic cup and some pretzels for me. My mom was upset because her best friend who had also flown cross country for this, and who has celiac disease, couldn't eat anything (there wasn't even a green salad) or drink anything besides water because there was just a few kegs of beer. I knew a cousin who had some wine from a vineyard trip in her car so I begged a bottle off her and found a glass for mom's friend. She was thankful. Mom was embarrassed by the whole thing, and not really happy that this is what her $20,000 had gone towards. We bit our tongues though.
H and I left early so we could stop by a diner on the way back and get a real dinner. Said goodbye to a distracted sister. Missed brunch the next day because H was sick all night (BBQ maybe? I didn't have any and felt fine). Truth be told I needed a break and didn't mind missing it.

The next contact I get from sis, a week later? "Thank you and H for helping out with our wedding! Couldn't have done it without you!"?
Nope.
"My makeup brush is missing. Did you take it?"

"You're welcome sweet sister. Glad we could help?"

Your sister sounds terrible. Honestly, your parents shouldn't have given her the money free and clear and then be dissapointed with how she spent it. Especially, because they know how she is. She bought a car?

My parents gave us the money for our wedding, and we spent it how we needed, but they were still involved in some of the planning. And we used the money FOR THE WEDDING.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

This is terrible. I hope you and your H were able to go and find food or something after.

Seriously, if I had shown up at a wedding and had an allergy (that the couple knew about) and there was nothing substantial that I could eat, I would have left to get food and then went back. If they had a problem with it, tough shit. Learn how to properly host your guests. Rolls and coleslaw do not a meal make.

ETF spelling

Maggie0829 · July 2015

jenandtonic81515 said:

This is terrible. I hope you and your H were able to go and find food or something after.

Seriously, if I had shown up at a wedding and had an allergy (that the couple knew about) and there was nothing substantial that I could eat, I would have left to get food and then came not come back. If they had a problem with it, tough shit. Learn how to properly host your guests. Rolls and coleslaw do not a meal make.

ETF spelling

FTFY.

housewifehobbyist · July 2015

Hi all,

Just to check in and clarify things, my parents have concerns about keeping things even and fair between the four of us siblings. They resolve this by making sure we're all treated equally monetarily so we all get the same birthday/Christmas/wedding money and we can use it how we want.

My sister is 29 and has lived on the opposite coast for a decade now, so my parents are basically done parenting her as a child. She's a bona fide adult, although she doesn't always act like it. For what its worth they did say no and discipline her as a child but she's always been awful and would run away or threaten suicide or HAVE CPS CALLED ON THEM. She's always the victim in any situation. She did say some things that ended up not happening (the dress, the cocktail hour, the buffet, the lack of non alcoholic beverages at the 11th hour) so we were unprepared for those. I think if they could do some things over they might have (I would have certainly said F-this I'm eating and your makeup can wait), but we're just happy its over.

KatWAG · July 2015

housewifehobbyist said:

Hi all,
Just to check in and clarify things, my parents have concerns about keeping things even and fair between the four of us siblings. They resolve this by making sure we're all treated equally monetarily so we all get the same birthday/Christmas/wedding money and we can use it how we want.
My sister is 29 and has lived on the opposite coast for a decade now, so my parents are basically done parenting her as a child. She's a bona fide adult, although she doesn't always act like it. She did say some things that ended up not happening (the dress, the cocktail hour, the buffet, the lack of non alcoholic beverages at the 11th hour) so we were unprepared for those. I think if they could do some things over they might have (I would have certainly said F-this I'm eating and your makeup can wait), but we're just happy its over.

Your parents gave your sister $20k with no strings attached, so she was completely within her right to buy a car and upgrade her ring.

My issue is that your mom and you seem to give into every demand your sister makes. Like someone else said, you created this monster.

You are an adult (I assume) so you should have taken it upon yourself to get food while waiting for your sister to show up. And if she was being rude or treating you like crap, you should have stood up for yourself.

But it doesn't sounds like anyone stands up to her, so she has no reason to change her behavior.

housewifehobbyist · July 2015

If I had known they would be three hours late @Katwag I would have gone to get food. But when I tried checking in with her she wouldn't give me an ETA besides "soon" and as they were running late and supposed to be bringing food I didn't want to drive the 20 minutes out to get something to eat in case she came after I left. We were staying in a rental house in a rural/suburban area, so there weren't many options. I didn't even find a delivery option on seamless or delivery.com. So much for trying to be helpful.

And no one has an issue with her getting a car or upgrading her ring, but I do take issue with not downsizing the wedding along with her budget for it.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

housewifehobbyist said:

If I had known they would be three hours late @Katwag I would have gone to get food. But when I tried checking in with her she wouldn't give me an ETA besides "soon" and as they were running late and supposed to be bringing food I didn't want to drive the 20 minutes out to get something to eat in case she came after I left.
And no one has an issue with her getting a car or upgrading her ring, but I do take issue with not downsizing the wedding along with her budget for it.

I would have gotten food after the second time you checked in with them and they said "soon." If you went and got food and they brought food what would it have mattered? Instead you are blaming everything on your sister when you are an adult and should have just taken control of your own food intake.

Fosmoh · July 2015

lol oh the joys of an internet forum... share a warning of how vitally important it is to plan and be organized and don't you worry... the internet shall come forth and find you at fault

juuuussst kidding around guys :P

On a serious note, that sucks. i will definitely take this as a cautionary tale for sure.
Lessons learned:
- be organized

- practice and be prepared (rehearsal)

- be aware and sensitive of dietary restrictions

- FEED your guests

- treat people with kindness and not as unpaid help.

KatWAG · July 2015

housewifehobbyist said:

If I had known they would be three hours late @Katwag I would have gone to get food. But when I tried checking in with her she wouldn't give me an ETA besides "soon" and as they were running late and supposed to be bringing food I didn't want to drive the 20 minutes out to get something to eat in case she came after I left.
And no one has an issue with her getting a car or upgrading her ring, but I do take issue with not downsizing the wedding along with her budget for it.

It is still your responsibility to feed yourself. If you are hungry, go get some food. Your sister could wait a few minutes. And it sounds like your sister is pretty unreliable, so I would have thought ahead and gotten food for myself.

While your sister should have had more food options to accommodate food allergies (this assumes that she know what your are allergic to) it sounds like she had a properly hosted event- food wise. BBQ and non- alcohol beverages are perfectly acceptable for an evening wedding. She didn't need to have a cocktail party or have several kegs of beer.

While its not necessarily right, if you have food allergies I would assume you are use to eating before or after an event or packing some snacks in your purse. You also could have been pro-active and asked your sister what she was serving so that you could plan ahead.

So I agree that your sister did some shitty things, but you could have done a lot to make the weekend better for yourself.

housewifehobbyist · July 2015

I wish I had gotten food. Keep in mind I'm in charge of doing everyone's makeup and they're already running late so I was worried about time and food isn't around the corner. My dad and H had already left to go get drinks for her wedding so I couldn't send one of them out.

I do think I deserved a "Hey we're just eating at so-and-so's and will be there in an hour if you need to get something to eat". It was extremely inconsiderate of her, especially as I had been told that morning that it would be taken care of. Its rude.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

housewifehobbyist said:

I wish I had gotten food. Keep in mind I'm in charge of doing everyone's makeup and they're already running late so I was worried about time and food isn't around the corner. My dad and H had already left to go get drinks for her wedding so I couldn't send one of them out.
I do think I deserved a "Hey we're just eating at so-and-so's and will be there in an hour if you need to get something to eat". It was extremely inconsiderate of her, especially as I had been told that morning that it would be taken care of. Its rude.

Well you running to get yourself food and possibly not being there when they show up is a consequence of them running late. You sitting around waiting is you enabling your sisters behavior.

And yes, you should have gotten a heads up from her, but knowing your sister, does it really surprise you that you didn't get that?

Your sister was rude and inconsiderate of you and her wedding guests. But instead of standing up for yourself and saying "F this" you just let it all roll off your shoulders and waited to complain about it later. So since you only see your sister twice a year I suggest you start standing up for yourself and speaking up when you do see her. Or are you really okay with being treated like a doormat each time you see her?

KatWAG · July 2015

housewifehobbyist said:

I wish I had gotten food. Keep in mind I'm in charge of doing everyone's makeup and they're already running late so I was worried about time and food isn't around the corner. My dad and H had already left to go get drinks for her wedding so I couldn't send one of them out.
I do think I deserved a "Hey we're just eating at so-and-so's and will be there in an hour if you need to get something to eat". It was extremely inconsiderate of her, especially as I had been told that morning that it would be taken care of. Its rude.

You didn't have to do everyone's make up. You could have said no. Or attached your own strings to your offer. ie: BM needs to show up on time or you aren't doing the MU.

Second bolded: Of course it was rude of her. But you still could have gotten food for yourself.

It is starting to sound like you have a similar victim complex to your sister.

MandyMost · July 2015

While your sister is clearly selfish and extremely self-centered, you come across in your post as a major push-over and people-pleaser. There's a happy middle ground in there somewhere!

1. It sounds like taking a red-eye and staying for 4 days, especially without having a clear picture of what was going on, was a pain in the ass for you. You could have just gone for the wedding and skipped the rehearsal, etc. You should make plans that work for you, not just bend over backwards because someone asked.

2. Why did you bother getting up early the day of the wedding? And why did your husband go hang decorations? "No" is a perfectly valid word. Especially when you know someone isn't going to show you any appreciation. And you definitely didn't have to offer your rental house for the bridal party to get ready in! It's not your problem they didn't figure out where to go.

3. Your H didn't have to go to Costco for them. Again, "no" is an option.

4. Why the heck were you doing their hair and makeup?! You know she's a terrible planner, she's bossy, etc. That just sounds like a recipe for disaster. Personally, I would have been extra peeved about this because you know she had the money, but chose to spend it elsewhere, and is not using your services for free. You CHOSE to act like unpaid hired help; she didn't make you do it. That's on you.

5. You could have left at any time during the day to go get food. You chose not to. They could have taken pics without you, or waited for the pics with you in them. You could have gone for food, or asked someone else to go get you food, when they were all at your house. Again, it's on you.

Your weekend sucked. But it sucked way more than it needed to, because you let it. You could have showed up, all ready to go, having eaten plenty, at a location in the afternoon for pictures. Then you would have had to deal with her bitching during the pictures, and her bitching during the set up for the ceremony, and the terrible dinner and booze situation. Maybe 6 hours of terribleness? Instead of a whole weekend.

housewifehobbyist · July 2015

I'll admit I'm a parent-pleaser. Anything I would have done (saying no to makeup, being gone for an hour when they arrived, missing the rehearsal) would have come back to them having to deal with it and I love them too much to cause extra stress. They have maybe a decade left and I want it to be as pleasant for them as I can help make it.

Looking at everyone's responses maybe I need to have to have a talk with THEM about expectations with her. She's truly "off" and can't be reasoned with, but I can't keep walking on eggshells to stop her from freaking out. My brothers and I are more easily reasoned with so we end up having to give her passes, and I realize I'm coming to resent it.

Even with the critical comments, thank you for putting some things into perspective.

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

That sucks!

Shoulda, coulda, woulda.... all that aside, the whole experience sounds pretty awful.

I always wonder how people like your sister function in every day life. Like... does she arrive at meetings/work an hour or more late? Is she always this unprepared? Does she host people this badly at her home?

[Deleted User] · July 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

That sucks!

Shoulda, coulda, woulda.... all that aside, the whole experience sounds pretty awful.

I always wonder how people like your sister function in every day life. Like... does she arrive at meetings/work an hour or more late? Is she always this unprepared? Does she host people this badly at her home?

Seriously! And after this entire thread, nobody mentioned what I believe is the Worst Etiquette blunder of them all; Starting the ceremony One Hour late!!! Seriously?

novella1186 · July 2015

housewifehobbyist said:

I'll admit I'm a parent-pleaser. Anything I would have done (saying no to makeup, being gone for an hour when they arrived, missing the rehearsal) would have come back to them having to deal with it and I love them too much to cause extra stress. They have maybe a decade left and I want it to be as pleasant for them as I can help make it.
Looking at everyone's responses maybe I need to have to have a talk with THEM about expectations with her. She's truly "off" and can't be reasoned with, but I can't keep walking on eggshells to stop her from freaking out. My brothers and I are more easily reasoned with so we end up having to give her passes, and I realize I'm coming to resent it.
Even with the critical comments, thank you for putting some things into perspective.

I get it, your sister sounds a lot like my sister. I actually didn't even realize that I had the option of not putting up with her bullshit till I posted about her here. Then I went to therapy. It was pretty eye-opening to realize that "No" is not a dirty word, and that when she freaks out and throws raging tantrums I can just walk away and not engage. And it has made a huge difference.

My therapist recommended a great book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells." I recommend you read it and maybe get a copy for your parents. It has some really useful insight and ways to cope with people who like to play victim and throw tantrums.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2015

jenandtonic81515 said:

This is terrible. I hope you and your H were able to go and find food or something after.

Seriously, if I had shown up at a wedding and had an allergy (that the couple knew about) and there was nothing substantial that I could eat, I would have left to get food and then went back. If they had a problem with it, tough shit. Learn how to properly host your guests. Rolls and coleslaw do not a meal make.

ETF spelling

I wouldn't have done their hair and make up until someone got me a meal. I can't go 12hours w/o eating. . . I'd pass out.

I would have left the reception with my DH and not come back.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2015

housewifehobbyist said:

If I had known they would be three hours late @Katwag I would have gone to get food. But when I tried checking in with her she wouldn't give me an ETA besides "soon" and as they were running late and supposed to be bringing food I didn't want to drive the 20 minutes out to get something to eat in case she came after I left. We were staying in a rental house in a rural/suburban area, so there weren't many options. I didn't even find a delivery option on seamless or delivery.com. So much for trying to be helpful.
And no one has an issue with her getting a car or upgrading her ring, but I do take issue with not downsizing the wedding along with her budget for it.

So then you text her, "Well, Ok Sister. You guys are late and I need to eat, so I'm going to get something to eat. If you show up before I'm back, start getting dressed."

And then I would have left.

Eating so I don't pass out is a personal priority of mine over everything else, including my disrespectful sister's wedding.

Fosmoh said:

lol oh the joys of an internet forum... share a warning of how vitally important it is to plan and be organized and don't you worry... the internet shall come forth and find you at fault
juuuussst kidding around guys :P

On a serious note, that sucks. i will definitely take this as a cautionary tale for sure.
Lessons learned:
- be organized
- practice and be prepared (rehearsal)
- be aware and sensitive of dietary restrictions
- FEED your guests
- treat people with kindness and not as unpaid help.

Yes, we tend to call people out on things that they themselves could have handled in a better manner, since the only person you can ever control is yourself.

housewifehobbyist said:

I'll admit I'm a parent-pleaser. Anything I would have done (saying no to makeup, being gone for an hour when they arrived, missing the rehearsal) would have come back to them having to deal with it and I love them too much to cause extra stress. They have maybe a decade left and I want it to be as pleasant for them as I can help make it.
Looking at everyone's responses maybe I need to have to have a talk with THEM about expectations with her. She's truly "off" and can't be reasoned with, but I can't keep walking on eggshells to stop her from freaking out. My brothers and I are more easily reasoned with so we end up having to give her passes, and I realize I'm coming to resent it.
Even with the critical comments, thank you for putting some things into perspective.

If your parents have been enabling and bending over for your sister for their entire adult lives, you talking to them now, when they are in their 70's or so, isn't likely to have any effect. You can't change them, and I doubt that after decades of this dysfunction they are finally going to have an epiphany and change their own behavior.

Your heart is in the right place, but you can't shield your parents from the consequences of their decisions. Start standing up to your sister and stop giving into her.

mollybarker11 · July 2015

Sounds to me like OP could have avoided some of the extra hassle. Why not ask at the rehearsal where everyone should walk/stand? Why not point out that (assuming you're not a professional makeup artist) everyone doing their own makeup would be just as good? Why not say, "Hey we are already late for the ceremony we don't have time to open bridesmaids' gifts right now"? These are things that would have helped things along and probably not caused too much of a fight.

But it also sounds like saying no was the greater of two evils in other cases. "No, you and the BMs can't get ready here" & "No, Dad and H won't go decorate for you" may not have been the end of the world for a rational person, but this bride would have fallen on her ass and taken everyone down with her. "No, Dad and H won't go get water and soda for you" would have meant nothing but empty kegs of beer for most of the guests at the reception.

Maybe I am just a pushover, but I wouldn't choose the already-drama-filled wedding day of a someone I see once every couple years as the opportune moment to suddenly start standing up to her. You know that's going to cause even more headaches.

mollybarker11 · July 2015

KatWAG said:

housewifehobbyist said:

[...] Share a cup of beer from the keg with H because sis planned on one glass per guest and they ran out by the time we got back. [...]

While your sister should have had more food options to accommodate food allergies (this assumes that she know what your are allergic to) it sounds like she had a properly hosted event- food wise. BBQ and non- alcohol beverages are perfectly acceptable for an evening wedding. She didn't need to have a cocktail party or have several kegs of beer.

I completely agree that she didn't need to have any alcohol, but the fact that she provided so little of it that it was gone shortly after the photos were taken leaves her falling short of properly hosting the event imo. Either don't have booze at all, or have enough that everyone who wants some can enjoy it.

banana468 · July 2015

mollybarker11 said:

KatWAG said:

housewifehobbyist said:

[...] Share a cup of beer from the keg with H because sis planned on one glass per guest and they ran out by the time we got back. [...]

While your sister should have had more food options to accommodate food allergies (this assumes that she know what your are allergic to) it sounds like she had a properly hosted event- food wise. BBQ and non- alcohol beverages are perfectly acceptable for an evening wedding. She didn't need to have a cocktail party or have several kegs of beer.

I completely agree that she didn't need to have any alcohol, but the fact that she provided so little of it that it was gone shortly after the photos were taken leaves her falling short of properly hosting the event imo. Either don't have booze at all, or have enough that everyone who wants some can enjoy it.

This. When you don't provide enough food or refreshment you're a cappy host. What's available at the beginning should be available all night.

JellyBean52513 · July 2015

KatWAG said:

housewifehobbyist said:

If I had known they would be three hours late @Katwag I would have gone to get food. But when I tried checking in with her she wouldn't give me an ETA besides "soon" and as they were running late and supposed to be bringing food I didn't want to drive the 20 minutes out to get something to eat in case she came after I left.
And no one has an issue with her getting a car or upgrading her ring, but I do take issue with not downsizing the wedding along with her budget for it.

It is still your responsibility to feed yourself. If you are hungry, go get some food. Your sister could wait a few minutes. And it sounds like your sister is pretty unreliable, so I would have thought ahead and gotten food for myself.

While your sister should have had more food options to accommodate food allergies (this assumes that she know what your are allergic to) it sounds like she had a properly hosted event- food wise. BBQ and non- alcohol beverages are perfectly acceptable for an evening wedding. She didn't need to have a cocktail party or have several kegs of beer.

While its not necessarily right, if you have food allergies I would assume you are use to eating before or after an event or packing some snacks in your purse. You also could have been pro-active and asked your sister what she was serving so that you could plan ahead.

So I agree that your sister did some shitty things, but you could have done a lot to make the weekend better for yourself.

-------boxes aint happening today------

Are you kidding?? They ran out of beer so early that pictures were barely over. That is NOT hosting properly. The bride and groom didn't need to have the beer, but since they chose to have it, they were in the wrong not to provide enough for everyone.

I won't even bother touching all of the other BS this sister pulled. I don't put much blame on the OP here. We can all sit here and theorize what WE would've done, but when it comes down to it, none of us a part of that family dynamic AND I seriously doubt anybody here is that much of an antagonist to make moves that they know will send their crazy sister off her rocker on the day of her wedding.

redwoodoriginal · July 2015

I will say that I would have gotten my own food, but that's because I turn into a hangry bitch when not fed for more than 5 hours, let alone an entire day! Everyone knows better than to deprive me of food ;-)

Cross posted to The Nest-The Very Hangry Wedding

Re: Cross posted to The Nest-The Very Hangry Wedding

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