A non-guest: why wasn't I invited to the wedding?

ashley2212 · August 2015

I have never posted to any type of forum before, but I am so confused right now that I felt the need to reach out to this community's collective wisdom. I recently discovered that I was not invited to a very close friends wedding. Trying to think rationally about the situation, I went through all the possibilities in my head:

1. 1. Is it a very small wedding? The answer seems to be no.

2. 2. Are we not as close as I thought we were? This could be a possibility, but it would a very confusing one. We have been close for over 10 years and she even threw me my bachelorette party less than 2 years ago. She hosted our friends from all over the country at her place and put a good deal of effort into it (which I expressed my great appreciation for.) Although we live in different countries, we’ve maintained fairly consistent communication since then.

3. 3. Did I do something to offend her? Maybe, but I’m not sure how or when. I tried to show my appreciation for the bachelorette with a thank you gift and letter. Maybe it wasn’t enough? I’ve gone through all of our emails over the past year and there is no indication of awkwardness or any issues.

4. 4. Did my invitation get lost in the mail? I don’t think so. Going through the emails I realized that she never replied to any of my inquiries regarding wedding planning or offers to help. I didn’t think this was a big deal and simply assumed she was busy or that she wasn’t yet in the wedding planning mode. I also think she would have mentioned my lack of RSVP in recent communications had this been the case.

I really want to handle this in a mature, rational and respectful way, but I’m not sure what that looks like. Should I just accept this as a mystery and lost friendship? I am so confused by this situation that it is making my seriously doubt my perception of things. I wrote her an email congratulating her and respectfully asking if I had done anything to hurt her or damage our relationship. As she is someone who often avoids any form of awkward communication, I am not sure I will hear back from her. Is it immature of me to ask our many mutual friends about the situation? Do I sound like a baby expressing my hurt and sadness over this? Thank you in advance for your advice.

MobKaz · August 2015

ashley2212 said:

I have never posted to any type of forum before, but I am so confused right now that I felt the need to reach out to this community's collective wisdom. I recently discovered that I was not invited to a very close friends wedding. Trying to think rationally about the situation, I went through all the possibilities in my head:

1. 1. Is it a very small wedding? The answer seems to be no.

2. 2. Are we not as close as I thought we were? This could be a possibility, but it would a very confusing one. We have been close for over 10 years and she even threw me my bachelorette party less than 2 years ago. She hosted our friends from all over the country at her place and put a good deal of effort into it (which I expressed my great appreciation for.) Although we live in different countries, we’ve maintained fairly consistent communication since then.

3. 3. Did I do something to offend her? Maybe, but I’m not sure how or when. I tried to show my appreciation for the bachelorette with a thank you gift and letter. Maybe it wasn’t enough? I’ve gone through all of our emails over the past year and there is no indication of awkwardness or any issues.

4. 4. Did my invitation get lost in the mail? I don’t think so. Going through the emails I realized that she never replied to any of my inquiries regarding wedding planning or offers to help. I didn’t think this was a big deal and simply assumed she was busy or that she wasn’t yet in the wedding planning mode. I also think she would have mentioned my lack of RSVP in recent communications had this been the case.

I really want to handle this in a mature, rational and respectful way, but I’m not sure what that looks like. Should I just accept this as a mystery and lost friendship? I am so confused by this situation that it is making my seriously doubt my perception of things. I wrote her an email congratulating her and respectfully asking if I had done anything to hurt her or damage our relationship. As she is someone who often avoids any form of awkward communication, I am not sure I will hear back from her. Is it immature of me to ask our many mutual friends about the situation? Do I sound like a baby expressing my hurt and sadness over this? Thank you in advance for your advice.

You say you have had "recent" communications with her. Were they friendly in tone and nature? If they were, I'm afraid you will have to accept the situation and move forward from it. Do NOT put mutual friends in the middle. It is possible that your friend had little control over the guest list if she is not paying for the reception. I am not sure why this has to be a "lost friendship". That is something only you can decide. ***ETA***This wedding isn't taking place in a park, is it?

Jen4948 · August 2015

Let it go.

AddieCake · August 2015

That's very strange, but I think you have to just let it go.

MairePoppy · August 2015

If she responds, don't press her for an explanation of why you weren't invited to her wedding. If she doesn't respond, let it go.

jacques27 · August 2015

Just because it isn't a "very small" wedding (and really, how are you defining "very small"? 20? 30? 100?), doesn't mean that people don't have budget or venue capacity restraints that affect their guest list that you don't get to be privy to because it's really not any of your business to know that. Maybe one or both have large extended families and after all was said and done, they didn't have any more space for additional friends (especially ones in other countries who they haven't seen in two years, despite maintaining cordial virtual contact). Or they have a very large circle of friends and some cuts had to be made (a lot of times, when people here ask how to cut their guest list when they just have a completely unmanageable amount, we'll often advise to go by the "When was the last time I saw these people?" rule - start with if you've seen them in the last year, then if you still have room for more, what about two years?). Or maybe their parents are paying and in control of the guest list or they just wanted to allow parents to have a portion and by the time the parents added in who they wanted to invite, they had a limited space for friends (remember, he gets half of the guest list, too).

Let it go. Personally, I wouldn't ask at all, because it's kind of rude to fish for an invite (even indirectly) and it puts her in a very awkward position to have to answer that, which isn't something you should want to do if you really do consider her a friend. You should never assume you're going to get an invite to anything and be pleasantly surprised when you do. Also, weddings aren't tit for tat - just because she was invited to yours and threw a bachelorette party doesn't mean she is required to invite you to hers. That's just the reality of it. It's okay to feel a little disappointed, but that should pretty much be the extent of it and then let it go and don't act on it.

NowIAmSyp · August 2015

MobKaz said:

ashley2212 said:

I have never posted to any type of forum before, but I am so confused right now that I felt the need to reach out to this community's collective wisdom. I recently discovered that I was not invited to a very close friends wedding. Trying to think rationally about the situation, I went through all the possibilities in my head:

1. 1. Is it a very small wedding? The answer seems to be no.

2. 2. Are we not as close as I thought we were? This could be a possibility, but it would a very confusing one. We have been close for over 10 years and she even threw me my bachelorette party less than 2 years ago. She hosted our friends from all over the country at her place and put a good deal of effort into it (which I expressed my great appreciation for.) Although we live in different countries, we’ve maintained fairly consistent communication since then.

3. 3. Did I do something to offend her? Maybe, but I’m not sure how or when. I tried to show my appreciation for the bachelorette with a thank you gift and letter. Maybe it wasn’t enough? I’ve gone through all of our emails over the past year and there is no indication of awkwardness or any issues.

4. 4. Did my invitation get lost in the mail? I don’t think so. Going through the emails I realized that she never replied to any of my inquiries regarding wedding planning or offers to help. I didn’t think this was a big deal and simply assumed she was busy or that she wasn’t yet in the wedding planning mode. I also think she would have mentioned my lack of RSVP in recent communications had this been the case.

I really want to handle this in a mature, rational and respectful way, but I’m not sure what that looks like. Should I just accept this as a mystery and lost friendship? I am so confused by this situation that it is making my seriously doubt my perception of things. I wrote her an email congratulating her and respectfully asking if I had done anything to hurt her or damage our relationship. As she is someone who often avoids any form of awkward communication, I am not sure I will hear back from her. Is it immature of me to ask our many mutual friends about the situation? Do I sound like a baby expressing my hurt and sadness over this? Thank you in advance for your advice.

You say you have had "recent" communications with her. Were they friendly in tone and nature? If they were, I'm afraid you will have to accept the situation and move forward from it. Do NOT put mutual friends in the middle. It is possible that your friend had little control over the guest list if she is not paying for the reception. I am not sure why this has to be a "lost friendship". That is something only you can decide. ***ETA***This wedding isn't taking place in a park, is it?

lol, NICE. The screenname is SO CLOSE, too...

ashley2212 · August 2015

Thank you for all advice. I will just let it go. Jaques27- I can see how it would seem like I was fishing for an invite, but I couldn't even go at this point. It all just seemed so strange and I really was just concerned that I had unwittingly done something to hurt her.

MobKaz- I believe the wedding is at a ranch in Texas. Does that have relevance?

soontobesyp- (re: 'lol, nice!)- I guess I'm glad someone is getting enjoyment out of the situation. But, I'm confused to as to why.

AddieCake · August 2015

ashley2212 said:

Thank you for all advice. I will just let it go. Jaques27- I can see how it would seem like I was fishing for an invite, but I couldn't even go at this point. It all just seemed so strange and I really was just concerned that I had unwittingly done something to hurt her. MobKaz- I believe the wedding is at a ranch in Texas. Does that have relevance? soontobesyp- (re: 'lol, nice!)- I guess I'm glad someone is getting enjoyment out of the situation. But, I'm confused to as to why.

They were just joking about an infamous internet troll with a similar name to yours who wasn't invited to a wedding for people from her church that was to take place in a park.

MyNameIsNot · August 2015

It's also possible that she assumed you wouldn't be able to travel from abroad. We generally advise couples not to make the decision for guests, but not everyone follows that school of thought.

Either way, there's not an acceptable way to address it. If you aren't invited, you aren't invited. Leave it alone.

ShesSoCold · August 2015

MobKaz said:

ashley2212 said:

I have never posted to any type of forum before, but I am so confused right now that I felt the need to reach out to this community's collective wisdom. I recently discovered that I was not invited to a very close friends wedding. Trying to think rationally about the situation, I went through all the possibilities in my head:

1. 1. Is it a very small wedding? The answer seems to be no.

2. 2. Are we not as close as I thought we were? This could be a possibility, but it would a very confusing one. We have been close for over 10 years and she even threw me my bachelorette party less than 2 years ago. She hosted our friends from all over the country at her place and put a good deal of effort into it (which I expressed my great appreciation for.) Although we live in different countries, we’ve maintained fairly consistent communication since then.

3. 3. Did I do something to offend her? Maybe, but I’m not sure how or when. I tried to show my appreciation for the bachelorette with a thank you gift and letter. Maybe it wasn’t enough? I’ve gone through all of our emails over the past year and there is no indication of awkwardness or any issues.

4. 4. Did my invitation get lost in the mail? I don’t think so. Going through the emails I realized that she never replied to any of my inquiries regarding wedding planning or offers to help. I didn’t think this was a big deal and simply assumed she was busy or that she wasn’t yet in the wedding planning mode. I also think she would have mentioned my lack of RSVP in recent communications had this been the case.

I really want to handle this in a mature, rational and respectful way, but I’m not sure what that looks like. Should I just accept this as a mystery and lost friendship? I am so confused by this situation that it is making my seriously doubt my perception of things. I wrote her an email congratulating her and respectfully asking if I had done anything to hurt her or damage our relationship. As she is someone who often avoids any form of awkward communication, I am not sure I will hear back from her. Is it immature of me to ask our many mutual friends about the situation? Do I sound like a baby expressing my hurt and sadness over this? Thank you in advance for your advice.

You say you have had "recent" communications with her. Were they friendly in tone and nature? If they were, I'm afraid you will have to accept the situation and move forward from it. Do NOT put mutual friends in the middle. It is possible that your friend had little control over the guest list if she is not paying for the reception. I am not sure why this has to be a "lost friendship". That is something only you can decide. ***ETA***This wedding isn't taking place in a park, is it?

STUCK -

Exactly my first thought as well.

Jen4948 · August 2015

ashley2212 said:

Thank you for all advice. I will just let it go. Jaques27- I can see how it would seem like I was fishing for an invite, but I couldn't even go at this point. It all just seemed so strange and I really was just concerned that I had unwittingly done something to hurt her. MobKaz- I believe the wedding is at a ranch in Texas. Does that have relevance? soontobesyp- (re: 'lol, nice!)- I guess I'm glad someone is getting enjoyment out of the situation. But, I'm confused to as to why.

A few years ago, someone using the screen name of jashley posted a question all over the Internet about why she wasn't invited to the wedding of someone she thought was a friend and made a big issue of the wedding taking place in a public park. Whenever someone responded that it was up to the couple/hosts who was invited and that it would be rude to inquire why she wasn't, she responded defensively. If you Google "jashley wedding" you'll come up with at least 10 screens worth of hits!

So when you posted a similar question under a similar screen name, we remembered the situation from back then and wondered if it was popping up again. Sorry for what seems like humor at your expense!

princessleia22 · August 2015

People make choices on guests list due to a lot of factors.

Maybe she had a smaller venue or budget and had to limit the guest list?

Maybe she (or her FI) has a large family and they feel it more important to invite family than friends? My sister had to cut a lot of her friends from her guest list because she thought it was more important to invite extended family than friends, so only their closest friends that they see regularly were invited. She was very torn about her guest list and having to cut friends out of it, but she felt it more important to have family there.

Maybe she figured that you likely couldn't come anyway, due to living in different country, so she decided to use that invite for someone more likely to attend? This is usually frowned upon, for this reason, but it happens.

There are many reasons that you may not have receive an invite. And they don't all mean that you are any less of a friend than you thought you were. Certainly don't ask other mutual friends, because that's super rude to put them in the middle of it. And I wouldn't push too hard on the bride either, because she likely feels bad about not being able to invite everyone she wants to.

ashley2212 · August 2015

Thanks for the clarification re: jashley! The similarity is weird. I am certainly valuing all of everyone's advice and feel much better about the situation. Thank you!!

A non-guest: why wasn't I invited to the wedding?

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