NWR: Etiquette behind baby showers

MyNameIsNot · August 2015

luckya23 said:

Do the dads even go to baby showers? There were definitely no men at my sister's shower, although it was kind of on the DL that my BIL is already a father.

I've never been to a baby shower with any men present. DH has never been invited to a baby shower.

TrixieJess · August 2015

luckya23 said:

Do the dads even go to baby showers? There were definitely no men at my sister's shower, although it was kind of on the DL that my BIL is already a father.

We had a co-ed baby shower. My son was 6 weeks old at the shower and my FI attended. However in our group of friends, a) the baby is already born when the shower happens and b) the father always attends.

julieanne912 · August 2015

MGP said:

julieanne912 said:

I threw a shower a couple years ago for a friend who was having an "oops" baby. Her and her husband were separated (but apparently not THAT separated), but got back together to try to make it work (it didn't). Money was a huge issue for her as her older children have a lot of medical problems so she wasn't able to work regularly. She had long since sold all of her baby items to help pay bills. I was happy to host the shower, and I asked her to create a registry of the things she needed the most. There was only about 15 people, so it wasn't a huge event, and she got some of her big needs met (like carseat, swing, etc).

So, I hate to say it, but it depends on the situation. If it's some people who already have a couple kids, and aren't in need of help to buy their stuff, then I think it's sorta tacky. A sprinkle, fine, but not a full on shower w/ registries and everything.

Sorry but there's the judginess I was talking about. My husband makes plenty of money and I don't have to work (but do so because I love my job). So if we decided to have more kids we wouldn't be deserving of a shower and would be side eyed to register for gifts because we are financially stable? But it's acceptable for your friend to do so because she has money issues? That judgment is tacky too.

If someone offered to throw you a shower, then fine, by all means have one. But if you're fishing for someone to throw you a shower, and you go and register anyway, then yes, sorry, I think that's tacky. If you don't think that's tacky, that's fine, it's a difference of opinion.

As for my friend, she did not ask or fish for anybody to throw her a shower (which sounds like is the case for the OPs friend), nor did she expect it. I offered and then I was the one who asked her to register so we would know what she was in need of.

MesmrEwe · August 2015

O.k. this is one for the boards on The Bump!!!! Yes, this subject has been approached there... The general "feeling" there is...

1) If there is a HUGE gap (say just shy of a decade) in age, NBD...

2) Twins - which is a huge difference from a singleton...

3) Gender is different...

@SP29 - Agreed with you - for a second shower, I'd do something like an outfit and "necessity" type items or some such item not the "big ticket" type items...

Viczaesar · August 2015

Nobody deserves to have a shower. Not first time parents, not fourth time parents, not puppy parents. It's a gift that someone may or may not give you. What's with all the talk about what people deserve this week?

MGP · August 2015

MesmrEwe said:

O.k. this is one for the boards on The Bump!!!! Yes, this subject has been approached there... The general "feeling" there is...
1) If there is a HUGE gap (say just shy of a decade) in age, NBD...
2) Twins - which is a huge difference from a singleton...
3) Gender is different...
@SP29 - Agreed with you - for a second shower, I'd do something like an outfit and "necessity" type items or some such item not the "big ticket" type items...
-----boxes
So for people who:
1) have kids less than a decade apart
2) have non-multiples
3) have same gender kids
They shouldn't get a shower? Or be judged if they do? You are covering about 95% of second time parents there.
Guess I will plan on having triplet boys some time in the 2020's just so I can get a Bump-approved shower.

MGP · August 2015

julieanne912 said:

MGP said:

julieanne912 said:

I threw a shower a couple years ago for a friend who was having an "oops" baby. Her and her husband were separated (but apparently not THAT separated), but got back together to try to make it work (it didn't). Money was a huge issue for her as her older children have a lot of medical problems so she wasn't able to work regularly. She had long since sold all of her baby items to help pay bills. I was happy to host the shower, and I asked her to create a registry of the things she needed the most. There was only about 15 people, so it wasn't a huge event, and she got some of her big needs met (like carseat, swing, etc).

So, I hate to say it, but it depends on the situation. If it's some people who already have a couple kids, and aren't in need of help to buy their stuff, then I think it's sorta tacky. A sprinkle, fine, but not a full on shower w/ registries and everything.

Sorry but there's the judginess I was talking about. My husband makes plenty of money and I don't have to work (but do so because I love my job). So if we decided to have more kids we wouldn't be deserving of a shower and would be side eyed to register for gifts because we are financially stable? But it's acceptable for your friend to do so because she has money issues? That judgment is tacky too.

If someone offered to throw you a shower, then fine, by all means have one. But if you're fishing for someone to throw you a shower, and you go and register anyway, then yes, sorry, I think that's tacky. If you don't think that's tacky, that's fine, it's a difference of opinion.

As for my friend, she did not ask or fish for anybody to throw her a shower (which sounds like is the case for the OPs friend), nor did she expect it. I offered and then I was the one who asked her to register so we would know what she was in need of.

Let me be clear - fishing for someone to host a shower for you (baby, bridal, or otherwise) regardless of your demographic or financial situation is tacky.

All I am saying is that it would be nice to have more consistency and less criticism on who gets a shower and who doesn't. Someone's age, baby's gender, ages/genders of current children, and finances should NOT be a determining factor for someone to host a shower for them. That's just so gross to me. If someone OFFERED to host a shower and I responded to it graciously by keeping it small and making a small registry - I would be very hurt if people were making comments behind my back about how I didn't need it.

There are just way too many ways for people to spin why their situation is so super unique and special and why other people's are not. I'm just kind of over this discussion now.

kmmssg · August 2015

Text book answer when asked: you get one shower. K's answer - I don't want to see a second shower for close together kids. My 3rd child was born 13 years after I was done having kids. I didn't think I was entitled to a shower but a close friend called and offered one. DH and I had been buying the big stuff all along and did not register. I got some outfits, books and a diaper bag. Will I go to a second shower? Just depends but this isn't something I get wrapped around the ax handle about.

SP29 · August 2015

@Viczaesar Thanks for the explanation (that's what I was looking for). Makes sense- transition the parents, not for the baby directly.

To clarify- the FB friend (she is not a close friend, I will not be invited to said shower, should it happen) was not asking for someone to host her shower, she was asking if a shower for her third child (because it was unplanned and they got rid of everything) is OK or not.

There were a bunch of responses that said, "Yeah! Go for it!", but there were also a lot of people who told her about various second hand stores/ options.

I agree with you MGP- a lot of judgement comes out deciding who does or does not deserve a shower.

Fairyjen1 · August 2015

Eh, I don't mind baby showers for subsequent babies. In my family we celebrate each one. Granted, after the first child, the showers tend to be family only and 'friends who are like family', definitely lower key and small.

My sister had only two kids, 17 years apart. yup, she has a 20 year old and a 3 year old with no one in between (same father). We still only had a small family only shower for the second one, and she had nothing left from the first child. Since it was only family we didn't really care if those outside the family 'side-eyed' it, we would have all bought the baby gifts anyway, this way we got cake too!

mollybarker11 · August 2015

SP29 said:

Personally, I'm fine with a baby shower for all babies. I think all babies should be celebrated But I'd like to have my etiquette facts straight. [...] I was just curious what the true purpose of a baby shower was/ how it came about and why etiquette would say only one for the first child.

@Viczaesar explained this nicely. Baby showers are not meant to celebrate the baby, they're meant to help the mom(s or dads) transition to a new lifestyle. You can't welcome parents into parenthood multiple times. [tangent: I'm just now questioning why we do welcome brides into 'bridalhood' multiple times though? Maybe showers for 2nd marriages are taboo too but I've never heard it. Then again, bridal showers stem from the outdated notion that a woman wouldn't've already moved out and acquired her own set of measuring cups until she got hitched, so that whole "welcome to a new lifestyle" concept has kind of lost its meaning in modern times. Anyway...]

I can get onboard the idea that, if the 1st kid was born a decade ago, having another baby would be kind of like starting a new lifestyle all over again. The parents would have gotten rid of all the stuff needed to care for an infant, so re-welcoming them to that world makes sense.

The idea that 2nd showers are ok if the parents can't afford to buy more stuff doesn't sit well with me. That doesn't seem like a party type of situation. If that's your reason for throwing a shower, I would suggest something a bit more discreet.

The idea that 2nd showers are ok if the babies have different sets of genitalia is ridiculous. I know a reeeally good way to avoid getting gendered baby gifts at the 1st shower if any future mamas want a tip...!

thisismynickname2 · August 2015

Part of this thread got a bit off track discussing if men are at showers, and that's what I'm going to comment on. In this day and age, I think it's horribly sexist for it to be assumed that baby showers are for women only. It takes two to tango. And what about gay men adopting? Do they get a shower?

If I get a baby shower, bet your bottom dollar that DH will be there and that we're inviting all our close friends, and with their male significant others. If it's truly about welcoming a couple to parenthood, then of course all our friends- most of whom are already parents- should be there to celebrate. And I will request no stupid games because frankly I hate those games anyway

[Deleted User] · August 2015

thisismynickname said:

Part of this thread got a bit off track discussing if men are at showers, and that's what I'm going to comment on. In this day and age, I think it's horribly sexist for it to be assumed that baby showers are for women only. It takes two to tango. And what about gay men adopting? Do they get a shower?
If I get a baby shower, bet your bottom dollar that DH will be there and that we're inviting all our close friends, and with their male significant others. If it's truly about welcoming a couple to parenthood, then of course all our friends- most of whom are already parents- should be there to celebrate. And I will request no stupid games because frankly I hate those games anyway

The last shower I went to was about 6 years ago for a lesbian couple expecting twins. Both FH and I were there, one of the new mommies works with FH. The shower was at a bar we love. I haven't been to a shower since, not for brides not for parents.

artbyallie · August 2015

H got a baby shower invitation this week. With just his name on it, not mine. Return address: the parents-to-be. For their baby's third shower because one has already happened and another is this month. Mom-to-be is also dictating to one of our mutual friends who's hosting the other shower a 'small' guest list of 30 people. That's already ballooned to more like 50. Let's count the fails! *sigh*

We do not plan to attend any as all three are/were out of town for us and we already gave mom-to-be a gift to congratulate her. I think we are instead going to send some money to our other friend because she is in grad school and has no paycheck til fall semester and can barely afford throwing the shower to begin with. So I'd rather contribute by helping her.

MGP · August 2015

It's a general consensus on these boards that not inviting a guest's SO to a wedding because the couple doesn't deem the relationship "serious enough", "established enough", etc. is against etiquette and a relationship ending move. Honestly I see people not wanting to host or attend a second/third/etc. shower for someone based solely on the fact that the parents are "established enough", "have enough stuff", "their kids are close in age" and all this other horse shit is in the exact same category. It is people making petty judgments on other people's situations based on their own set criteria given limited information and making some pretty gross assumptions. I honestly do not see how this is any different. If someone didn't want to host a shower for me because they couldn't afford it or didn't have the desire that is perfectly fine. But to have the dealbreaker be that the gender of my new baby is the same as my other baby, or that I'm in my late 30's and am a stable, responsible person who is good with money, or any other factor out of my control would be extremely hurtful.

That's why I say that the only clear line in this is "ARE YOU A PARENT" vs. "ARE YOU NOT A PARENT YET"? Every other situation is up to lots of interpretation and can result in hurt feelings. So for those of you that have your own set of what makes a second/third/etc. shower acceptable and what doesn't - I challenge you the next time you get invited to a shower that doesn't meet your expectations to tell the host or most importantly the guest of honor that you don't agree with their worthiness of said shower based on things like baby genitalia and financial neediness. I bet it will go over VERY well.

Viczaesar · August 2015

MGP said:

julieanne912 said:

MGP said:

julieanne912 said:

I threw a shower a couple years ago for a friend who was having an "oops" baby. Her and her husband were separated (but apparently not THAT separated), but got back together to try to make it work (it didn't). Money was a huge issue for her as her older children have a lot of medical problems so she wasn't able to work regularly. She had long since sold all of her baby items to help pay bills. I was happy to host the shower, and I asked her to create a registry of the things she needed the most. There was only about 15 people, so it wasn't a huge event, and she got some of her big needs met (like carseat, swing, etc).

So, I hate to say it, but it depends on the situation. If it's some people who already have a couple kids, and aren't in need of help to buy their stuff, then I think it's sorta tacky. A sprinkle, fine, but not a full on shower w/ registries and everything.

Sorry but there's the judginess I was talking about. My husband makes plenty of money and I don't have to work (but do so because I love my job). So if we decided to have more kids we wouldn't be deserving of a shower and would be side eyed to register for gifts because we are financially stable? But it's acceptable for your friend to do so because she has money issues? That judgment is tacky too.

If someone offered to throw you a shower, then fine, by all means have one. But if you're fishing for someone to throw you a shower, and you go and register anyway, then yes, sorry, I think that's tacky. If you don't think that's tacky, that's fine, it's a difference of opinion.

As for my friend, she did not ask or fish for anybody to throw her a shower (which sounds like is the case for the OPs friend), nor did she expect it. I offered and then I was the one who asked her to register so we would know what she was in need of.

Let me be clear - fishing for someone to host a shower for you (baby, bridal, or otherwise) regardless of your demographic or financial situation is tacky.

All I am saying is that it would be nice to have more consistency and less criticism on who gets a shower and who doesn't. Someone's age, baby's gender, ages/genders of current children, and finances should NOT be a determining factor for someone to host a shower for them. That's just so gross to me. If someone OFFERED to host a shower and I responded to it graciously by keeping it small and making a small registry - I would be very hurt if people were making comments behind my back about how I didn't need it.

There are just way too many ways for people to spin why their situation is so super unique and special and why other people's are not. I'm just kind of over this discussion now.

I don't really care if that's gross to you. You are misunderstanding what the purpose of a shower is. It's not to celebrate the new baby. It's not to celebrate the parents. It's to welcome the parents to parenthood by showering them with items to help them make that transition. Just like a wedding reception isn't for the purpose of celebrating the new couple and being all about them, it's actually to thank the guests for coming to the wedding ceremony. People are unaware of that and make assumptions about the party that they think they're hosting in their own honor. It's the same as parents who don't realize that a baby shower is to welcome them to parenthood, a transition they can only make once, and then get offended when somebody doesn't throw a baby shower for them for their third/fourth/fifth/seventeenth baby. That's not what a baby shower is about and that's not its nature, by definition. People who don't realize what a baby shower is actually supposed to be for can and do throw them for subsequent children, but people who do know what they're for may side-eye that, and that's their right. Sort of like people who don't realize that an engagement party is supposed to be thrown by someone other than the couple getting married. People don't realize how it's supposed to be - for good reason - and throw their own engagement party, and those who know how they're supposed to be done may side-eye that.

MGP · August 2015

Viczaesar said:

MGP said:

julieanne912 said:

MGP said:

julieanne912 said:

I threw a shower a couple years ago for a friend who was having an "oops" baby. Her and her husband were separated (but apparently not THAT separated), but got back together to try to make it work (it didn't). Money was a huge issue for her as her older children have a lot of medical problems so she wasn't able to work regularly. She had long since sold all of her baby items to help pay bills. I was happy to host the shower, and I asked her to create a registry of the things she needed the most. There was only about 15 people, so it wasn't a huge event, and she got some of her big needs met (like carseat, swing, etc).

So, I hate to say it, but it depends on the situation. If it's some people who already have a couple kids, and aren't in need of help to buy their stuff, then I think it's sorta tacky. A sprinkle, fine, but not a full on shower w/ registries and everything.

Sorry but there's the judginess I was talking about. My husband makes plenty of money and I don't have to work (but do so because I love my job). So if we decided to have more kids we wouldn't be deserving of a shower and would be side eyed to register for gifts because we are financially stable? But it's acceptable for your friend to do so because she has money issues? That judgment is tacky too.

If someone offered to throw you a shower, then fine, by all means have one. But if you're fishing for someone to throw you a shower, and you go and register anyway, then yes, sorry, I think that's tacky. If you don't think that's tacky, that's fine, it's a difference of opinion.

As for my friend, she did not ask or fish for anybody to throw her a shower (which sounds like is the case for the OPs friend), nor did she expect it. I offered and then I was the one who asked her to register so we would know what she was in need of.

Let me be clear - fishing for someone to host a shower for you (baby, bridal, or otherwise) regardless of your demographic or financial situation is tacky.

All I am saying is that it would be nice to have more consistency and less criticism on who gets a shower and who doesn't. Someone's age, baby's gender, ages/genders of current children, and finances should NOT be a determining factor for someone to host a shower for them. That's just so gross to me. If someone OFFERED to host a shower and I responded to it graciously by keeping it small and making a small registry - I would be very hurt if people were making comments behind my back about how I didn't need it.

There are just way too many ways for people to spin why their situation is so super unique and special and why other people's are not. I'm just kind of over this discussion now.

I don't really care if that's gross to you. You are misunderstanding what the purpose of a shower is. It's not to celebrate the new baby. It's not to celebrate the parents. It's to welcome the parents to parenthood by showering them with items to help them make that transition. Just like a wedding reception isn't for the purpose of celebrating the new couple and being all about them, it's actually to thank the guests for coming to the wedding ceremony. People are unaware of that and make assumptions about the party that they think they're hosting in their own honor. It's the same as parents who don't realize that a baby shower is to welcome them to parenthood, a transition they can only make once, and then get offended when somebody doesn't throw a baby shower for them for their third/fourth/fifth/seventeenth baby. That's not what a baby shower is about and that's not its nature, by definition. People who don't realize what a baby shower is actually supposed to be for can and do throw them for subsequent children, but people who do know what they're for may side-eye that, and that's their right. Sort of like people who don't realize that an engagement party is supposed to be thrown by someone other than the couple getting married. People don't realize how it's supposed to be - for good reason - and throw their own engagement party, and those who know how they're supposed to be done may side-eye that.

I know exactly what the purpose of a baby shower is for, know that other people dont know that and unknowingly make some etiquette faux pas, and agree with everything you are saying. You are preaching to the choir.

Not exactly sure what the issue is here. . .

AddieCake · August 2015

It doesn't bother me if someone has showers for more than one child. I wouldn't do it myself b/c I get why you shouldn't have them, but if someone else does it and I get invited to it, I wouldn't care.

MyNameIsNot · August 2015

mollybarker11 said:

SP29 said:

Personally, I'm fine with a baby shower for all babies. I think all babies should be celebrated But I'd like to have my etiquette facts straight. [...] I was just curious what the true purpose of a baby shower was/ how it came about and why etiquette would say only one for the first child.

@Viczaesar explained this nicely. Baby showers are not meant to celebrate the baby, they're meant to help the mom(s or dads) transition to a new lifestyle. You can't welcome parents into parenthood multiple times. [tangent: I'm just now questioning why we do welcome brides into 'bridalhood' multiple times though? Maybe showers for 2nd marriages are taboo too but I've never heard it. Then again, bridal showers stem from the outdated notion that a woman wouldn't've already moved out and acquired her own set of measuring cups until she got hitched, so that whole "welcome to a new lifestyle" concept has kind of lost its meaning in modern times. Anyway...]

I can get onboard the idea that, if the 1st kid was born a decade ago, having another baby would be kind of like starting a new lifestyle all over again. The parents would have gotten rid of all the stuff needed to care for an infant, so re-welcoming them to that world makes sense.

The idea that 2nd showers are ok if the parents can't afford to buy more stuff doesn't sit well with me. That doesn't seem like a party type of situation. If that's your reason for throwing a shower, I would suggest something a bit more discreet.

The idea that 2nd showers are ok if the babies have different sets of genitalia is ridiculous. I know a reeeally good way to avoid getting gendered baby gifts at the 1st shower if any future mamas want a tip...!

I have always read/been told that you don't have showers for second and subsequent marriages.

Even "Emily Post" says to limit it to whatever the wedding shower equivilant of a sprinkle is.

Liatris2010 · August 2015

I think the problem here is that she wants a shower because she wants gifts, not because she wants an I'm pregnant party or a party to welcome the baby. If you want to host a party and celebrate with friends, do it. But do not host a party with the expectation that people will bring you gifts. That is what is making the second shower tacky, not the fact that it is a party.

thisismynickname2 · August 2015

Liatris2010 said:

I think the problem here is that she wants a shower because she wants gifts, not because she wants an I'm pregnant party or a party to welcome the baby. If you want to host a party and celebrate with friends, do it. But do not host a party with the expectation that people will bring you gifts. That is what is making the second shower tacky, not the fact that it is a party.

This exactly!

I was thinking to myself this morning--- what makes otherwise sane people think that for a life event, the only option is going to a store and scanning bar codes; not, you know, picking something off the shelf, placing it in your shopping cart, and--gasp!-- paying for it yourself. "How are we going to get things like cribs and strollers??" ... Buy them yourself. Geez.

charcoalandblush · August 2015

mollybarker11 said: SP29 said: Personally, I'm fine with a baby shower for all babies. I think all babies should be celebrated

But I'd like to have my etiquette facts straight. [...] I was just curious what the true purpose of a baby shower was/ how it came about and why etiquette would say only one for the first child.
@Viczaesar explained this nicely. Baby showers are not meant to celebrate the baby, they're meant to help the mom(s or dads) transition to a new lifestyle. You can't welcome parents into parenthood multiple times. [tangent: I'm just now questioning why we do welcome brides into 'bridalhood' multiple times though? Maybe showers for 2nd marriages are taboo too but I've never heard it. Then again, bridal showers stem from the outdated notion that a woman wouldn't've already moved out and acquired her own set of measuring cups until she got hitched, so that whole "welcome to a new lifestyle" concept has kind of lost its meaning in modern times. Anyway...]
I can get onboard the idea that, if the 1st kid was born a decade ago, having another baby would be kind of like starting a new lifestyle all over again. The parents would have gotten rid of all the stuff needed to care for an infant, so re-welcoming them to that world makes sense.
The idea that 2nd showers are ok if the parents can't afford to buy more stuff doesn't sit well with me. That doesn't seem like a party type of situation. If that's your reason for throwing a shower, I would suggest something a bit more discreet.
The idea that 2nd showers are ok if the babies have different sets of genitalia is ridiculous. I know a reeeally good way to avoid getting gendered baby gifts at the 1st shower if any future mamas want a tip...!

--------- ETA FUCKING BOXES ---------

Unpopular opinion: I side-eye a bridal shower for a second marriage much more than I side-eye a baby shower for a second baby, especially if she had a bridal shower (or three) before the first marriage. There are some things you can't re-use between babies - clothes get barfed on, torn, lost, ruined. Pacifiers get lost. Car seats expire. Diapers, wipes, and formula are popular baby shower gifts in my circle (often paired with one "fun" item like a book or an outfit). But there is no reason your toaster from 4 years ago is no longer good enough just because you got divorced.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

charcoalandblush said:

mollybarker11 said:

SP29 said:

Personally, I'm fine with a baby shower for all babies. I think all babies should be celebrated But I'd like to have my etiquette facts straight. [...] I was just curious what the true purpose of a baby shower was/ how it came about and why etiquette would say only one for the first child.

@Viczaesar explained this nicely. Baby showers are not meant to celebrate the baby, they're meant to help the mom(s or dads) transition to a new lifestyle. You can't welcome parents into parenthood multiple times. [tangent: I'm just now questioning why we do welcome brides into 'bridalhood' multiple times though? Maybe showers for 2nd marriages are taboo too but I've never heard it. Then again, bridal showers stem from the outdated notion that a woman wouldn't've already moved out and acquired her own set of measuring cups until she got hitched, so that whole "welcome to a new lifestyle" concept has kind of lost its meaning in modern times. Anyway...]

I can get onboard the idea that, if the 1st kid was born a decade ago, having another baby would be kind of like starting a new lifestyle all over again. The parents would have gotten rid of all the stuff needed to care for an infant, so re-welcoming them to that world makes sense.

The idea that 2nd showers are ok if the parents can't afford to buy more stuff doesn't sit well with me. That doesn't seem like a party type of situation. If that's your reason for throwing a shower, I would suggest something a bit more discreet.

The idea that 2nd showers are ok if the babies have different sets of genitalia is ridiculous. I know a reeeally good way to avoid getting gendered baby gifts at the 1st shower if any future mamas want a tip...!

--------- ETA FUCKING BOXES ---------

Unpopular opinion: I side-eye a bridal shower for a second marriage much more than I side-eye a baby shower for a second baby, especially if she had a bridal shower (or three) before the first marriage. There are some things you can't re-use between babies - clothes get barfed on, torn, lost, ruined. Pacifiers get lost. Car seats expire. Diapers, wipes, and formula are popular baby shower gifts in my circle (often paired with one "fun" item like a book or an outfit). But there is no reason your toaster from 4 years ago is no longer good enough just because you got divorced. Unless he got the toaster in the divorce.

AddieCake · August 2015

adk19 said:

charcoalandblush said:

mollybarker11 said:

SP29 said:

Personally, I'm fine with a baby shower for all babies. I think all babies should be celebrated But I'd like to have my etiquette facts straight. [...] I was just curious what the true purpose of a baby shower was/ how it came about and why etiquette would say only one for the first child.

@Viczaesar explained this nicely. Baby showers are not meant to celebrate the baby, they're meant to help the mom(s or dads) transition to a new lifestyle. You can't welcome parents into parenthood multiple times. [tangent: I'm just now questioning why we do welcome brides into 'bridalhood' multiple times though? Maybe showers for 2nd marriages are taboo too but I've never heard it. Then again, bridal showers stem from the outdated notion that a woman wouldn't've already moved out and acquired her own set of measuring cups until she got hitched, so that whole "welcome to a new lifestyle" concept has kind of lost its meaning in modern times. Anyway...]

I can get onboard the idea that, if the 1st kid was born a decade ago, having another baby would be kind of like starting a new lifestyle all over again. The parents would have gotten rid of all the stuff needed to care for an infant, so re-welcoming them to that world makes sense.

The idea that 2nd showers are ok if the parents can't afford to buy more stuff doesn't sit well with me. That doesn't seem like a party type of situation. If that's your reason for throwing a shower, I would suggest something a bit more discreet.

The idea that 2nd showers are ok if the babies have different sets of genitalia is ridiculous. I know a reeeally good way to avoid getting gendered baby gifts at the 1st shower if any future mamas want a tip...!

--------- ETA FUCKING BOXES ---------

Unpopular opinion: I side-eye a bridal shower for a second marriage much more than I side-eye a baby shower for a second baby, especially if she had a bridal shower (or three) before the first marriage. There are some things you can't re-use between babies - clothes get barfed on, torn, lost, ruined. Pacifiers get lost. Car seats expire. Diapers, wipes, and formula are popular baby shower gifts in my circle (often paired with one "fun" item like a book or an outfit). But there is no reason your toaster from 4 years ago is no longer good enough just because you got divorced.

Unless he got the toaster in the divorce.

-----------------------------------------------

This makes no sense to me. Shower gifts are just wedding gifts. So you wouldn't give a gift to a couple if it was a second marriage? My husband was married previously. Should we not have been given gifts because it was his second wedding?

MyNameIsNot · August 2015

AddieCake said:

adk19 said:

charcoalandblush said:

mollybarker11 said:

SP29 said:

Personally, I'm fine with a baby shower for all babies. I think all babies should be celebrated But I'd like to have my etiquette facts straight. [...] I was just curious what the true purpose of a baby shower was/ how it came about and why etiquette would say only one for the first child.

@Viczaesar explained this nicely. Baby showers are not meant to celebrate the baby, they're meant to help the mom(s or dads) transition to a new lifestyle. You can't welcome parents into parenthood multiple times. [tangent: I'm just now questioning why we do welcome brides into 'bridalhood' multiple times though? Maybe showers for 2nd marriages are taboo too but I've never heard it. Then again, bridal showers stem from the outdated notion that a woman wouldn't've already moved out and acquired her own set of measuring cups until she got hitched, so that whole "welcome to a new lifestyle" concept has kind of lost its meaning in modern times. Anyway...]

I can get onboard the idea that, if the 1st kid was born a decade ago, having another baby would be kind of like starting a new lifestyle all over again. The parents would have gotten rid of all the stuff needed to care for an infant, so re-welcoming them to that world makes sense.

The idea that 2nd showers are ok if the parents can't afford to buy more stuff doesn't sit well with me. That doesn't seem like a party type of situation. If that's your reason for throwing a shower, I would suggest something a bit more discreet.

The idea that 2nd showers are ok if the babies have different sets of genitalia is ridiculous. I know a reeeally good way to avoid getting gendered baby gifts at the 1st shower if any future mamas want a tip...!

--------- ETA FUCKING BOXES ---------

Unpopular opinion: I side-eye a bridal shower for a second marriage much more than I side-eye a baby shower for a second baby, especially if she had a bridal shower (or three) before the first marriage. There are some things you can't re-use between babies - clothes get barfed on, torn, lost, ruined. Pacifiers get lost. Car seats expire. Diapers, wipes, and formula are popular baby shower gifts in my circle (often paired with one "fun" item like a book or an outfit). But there is no reason your toaster from 4 years ago is no longer good enough just because you got divorced.

Unless he got the toaster in the divorce.

This makes no sense to me. Shower gifts are just wedding gifts. So you wouldn't give a gift to a couple if it was a second marriage? My husband was married previously. Should we not have been given gifts because it was his second wedding? ____________________

Miss Manners says no, or token gifts for second weddings.

I would give a gift for a second wedding, but I wouldn't attend a shower or give multiple gifts.

charcoalandblush · August 2015

AddieCake said:

adk19 said:

charcoalandblush said:

mollybarker11 said:

SP29 said:

Personally, I'm fine with a baby shower for all babies. I think all babies should be celebrated But I'd like to have my etiquette facts straight. [...] I was just curious what the true purpose of a baby shower was/ how it came about and why etiquette would say only one for the first child.

@Viczaesar explained this nicely. Baby showers are not meant to celebrate the baby, they're meant to help the mom(s or dads) transition to a new lifestyle. You can't welcome parents into parenthood multiple times. [tangent: I'm just now questioning why we do welcome brides into 'bridalhood' multiple times though? Maybe showers for 2nd marriages are taboo too but I've never heard it. Then again, bridal showers stem from the outdated notion that a woman wouldn't've already moved out and acquired her own set of measuring cups until she got hitched, so that whole "welcome to a new lifestyle" concept has kind of lost its meaning in modern times. Anyway...]

I can get onboard the idea that, if the 1st kid was born a decade ago, having another baby would be kind of like starting a new lifestyle all over again. The parents would have gotten rid of all the stuff needed to care for an infant, so re-welcoming them to that world makes sense.

The idea that 2nd showers are ok if the parents can't afford to buy more stuff doesn't sit well with me. That doesn't seem like a party type of situation. If that's your reason for throwing a shower, I would suggest something a bit more discreet.

The idea that 2nd showers are ok if the babies have different sets of genitalia is ridiculous. I know a reeeally good way to avoid getting gendered baby gifts at the 1st shower if any future mamas want a tip...!

--------- ETA FUCKING BOXES ---------

Unpopular opinion: I side-eye a bridal shower for a second marriage much more than I side-eye a baby shower for a second baby, especially if she had a bridal shower (or three) before the first marriage. There are some things you can't re-use between babies - clothes get barfed on, torn, lost, ruined. Pacifiers get lost. Car seats expire. Diapers, wipes, and formula are popular baby shower gifts in my circle (often paired with one "fun" item like a book or an outfit). But there is no reason your toaster from 4 years ago is no longer good enough just because you got divorced.

Unless he got the toaster in the divorce.

This makes no sense to me. Shower gifts are just wedding gifts. So you wouldn't give a gift to a couple if it was a second marriage? My husband was married previously. Should we not have been given gifts because it was his second wedding?

---- preemptive box because tk hates me -----

I prefaced it with "unpopular opinion" for a reason. I know that most don't agree with me.

You have a very good point. I should have clarified - all of the second weddings in my circle have been second weddings for both people, so that is where my perspective is coming from. I understand what you're saying about the entire event/marriage not being celebrated less for both parties just because one has been married.

I'm sorry, but I do side-eye it when two people who got married just a few years ago and have a house full of nice things that they got for their first weddings register for even nicer nice things 3 or 4 or 5 years later. I understand that there is no etiquette faux pas there, and I have attended (and bought gifts for) several second-wedding showers for family members. It's just my personal opinion.

ChemFanatic25 · August 2015

AddieCake said:

adk19 said:

charcoalandblush said:

mollybarker11 said:

SP29 said:

Personally, I'm fine with a baby shower for all babies. I think all babies should be celebrated But I'd like to have my etiquette facts straight. [...] I was just curious what the true purpose of a baby shower was/ how it came about and why etiquette would say only one for the first child.
@Viczaesar explained this nicely. Baby showers are not meant to celebrate the baby, they're meant to help the mom(s or dads) transition to a new lifestyle. You can't welcome parents into parenthood multiple times. [tangent: I'm just now questioning why we do welcome brides into 'bridalhood' multiple times though? Maybe showers for 2nd marriages are taboo too but I've never heard it. Then again, bridal showers stem from the outdated notion that a woman wouldn't've already moved out and acquired her own set of measuring cups until she got hitched, so that whole "welcome to a new lifestyle" concept has kind of lost its meaning in modern times. Anyway...]

I can get onboard the idea that, if the 1st kid was born a decade ago, having another baby would be kind of like starting a new lifestyle all over again. The parents would have gotten rid of all the stuff needed to care for an infant, so re-welcoming them to that world makes sense.

The idea that 2nd showers are ok if the parents can't afford to buy more stuff doesn't sit well with me. That doesn't seem like a party type of situation. If that's your reason for throwing a shower, I would suggest something a bit more discreet.

The idea that 2nd showers are ok if the babies have different sets of genitalia is ridiculous. I know a reeeally good way to avoid getting gendered baby gifts at the 1st shower if any future mamas want a tip...!

--------- ETA FUCKING BOXES ---------

Unpopular opinion: I side-eye a bridal shower for a second marriage much more than I side-eye a baby shower for a second baby, especially if she had a bridal shower (or three) before the first marriage. There are some things you can't re-use between babies - clothes get barfed on, torn, lost, ruined. Pacifiers get lost. Car seats expire. Diapers, wipes, and formula are popular baby shower gifts in my circle (often paired with one "fun" item like a book or an outfit). But there is no reason your toaster from 4 years ago is no longer good enough just because you got divorced.
Unless he got the toaster in the divorce.

-----------------------------------------------

This makes no sense to me. Shower gifts are just wedding gifts. So you wouldn't give a gift to a couple if it was a second marriage? My husband was married previously. Should we not have been given gifts because it was his second wedding?

This was my thought too. My boyfriend was previously married to an absolutely terrible person who cheated on him multiple times and gas lighted him a frick ton. We are discussing marriage. I know I don't deserve a shower if we do get married but people will actually judge me if someone offers to throw me a shower even though I have never been married but my boyfriend has? That seems messed up to me.

Maggie0829 · August 2015

How about we just nix showers all together? I mean new parents should just buy their own baby shit. And newly married couples should just buy their own home shit. Why even give gifts at all? People should just buy all the things that they need and want themselves. Screw giving gifts to be nice and as a way to celebrate a life event. Who wants to be nice anyways?

MairePoppy · August 2015

I don't side eye a shower for a second marriage or a second baby. I sideye this woman for asking for shower on facebook. She should plan to buy necessties for her baby and if her loved ones choose to throw a shower for her, she should be beyond happy with whatever gifts she gets.

TBH, I've seen some ridiculous baby shower registries and I'm not a fan. Babies don't need themed nurseries with coordinating lamps, sheets, mobiles, wall decor etc...I usually stick with practical items for baby gifts. If I bought a big ticket item for the first baby, I'm probably going to buy nightgowns and onsies for the second and third babies.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2015

SP29 said:

Yes, there are pages of topics. Most with opinions or examples of "eck!".

I was just curious what the true purpose of a baby shower was/ how it came about and why etiquette would say only one for the first child. Baby showers came about to serve the same purpose as bridal showers- to help the new parents out by purchasing things for them that would need for their 1st child. . . since they haven't had one before and presumably don't have the items they need, nor really know what to expect yet. Hence why they get a single shower for their 1st child, and not showers for subsequent children. By the time they have had their 2nd, 3rd, 4th child they should know what parenthood entails and have the bulk of the things they need to raise an infant.

Like I said, even for the first baby I wouldn't go out and buy the new parents to be a crib... they would get an outfit or two, or a book. Thus I don't see it as "I am buying you stuff you should be buying yourself". But at the same time, if child number 10 came around, I'd run out of "my favourite books" to buy. It doesn't bother me (because I'm not buying "you" a stroller anyway!), but I know that doesn't mean it's proper .

ETA: In the case of my FB friend, I'd be OK with her having a shower for her third child, but she would be getting some outfits or a book, not a stroller or crib or carrier (maybe a diaper bag if she was a really good friend), so I do think her question about having a shower "because she got rid of everything" is not appropriate and probably won't yield the results she's looking for.

NWR: Etiquette behind baby showers

Re: NWR: Etiquette behind baby showers

Choose Another Board

Search Boards