Advice from old-timers

JellyBean52513 · August 2015

downtondiva said:
I don't know if I count as an "old timer" if my wedding hasn't happened yet, but the #1 piece of advice I would give anyone getting married is this: plan a wedding that you can afford on your own. While it is wonderful if family members offer to help, it is ultimately your responsibility to pay for the wedding you choose to have, and you cannot and should not assume that anyone will give you money toward it. You will save yourself a lot of stress later if you're realistic now.

Another word of advice I would give is to find out as much about the venues you're looking at as possible before you even go to look at them...especially regarding how much they cost. There were several venues I liked but didn't visit because I found out early that they were going to cost a lot more than we were comfortable paying. It was a lot better than falling in love with a place we saw and then finding out we couldn't afford it, and we saved ourselves a lot of time and disappointment that way.

YES to researching your venues beforehand, and be careful dealing with vendors who refuse to tell you anything besides "Prices always vary," "Our packages are customized to every couple," etc. It's a ploy to get you in their office and suddenly throw a list of prices at you (that weren't available 3 days earlier when you called) that you can't afford but they're not letting you get away that easy. When I was engaged to my ex, we found a venue, a hotel, that we really LOVED from the photos & reviews, and they kept telling me on the phone that they will tailor their pricing to our specific needs. Went all the way there, took a tour, only to find out that (surprise!) the pictures really misrepresented the venue, the ceremony space was going to be converted into the reception space immediately following while pictures were being taken (Where are the guests supposed to go? Oh, you can add on a cocktail hour during the turnover for an extra charge! Otherwise, they can go to the hotel bar or WATCH THE TURNOVER. WTF?!) and the pricing was already on a sheet of paper with different packages, not "tailored to our needs." I know this isn't ALWAYS the case, but a venue should be able to tell you enough general details before making you come all the way to them and trapping you at their venue while they pitch you harder than a used car salesman.

Sorry, rant over. A supplemental piece of advice to this story is DO NOT let vendors talk you into anything that you aren't sure about or wouldn't want to do anyway. Vendors are in the business of making money, of COURSE the DJ will tell you that a dollar dance is traditional & fun, of COURSE the florist will insist that every table needs to have a centerpiece or the place won't look right, of COURSE the caterers will talk you into renting their highest-quality silk tablecloths and napkins. Do. Not. Fall for this.

WinstonsGirl · August 2015

Oh, I don't know if anyone said this. Read your contracts very carefully before you sign. Make sure you understand exactly what is in them and what you're paying for and what will cost extra.

MGP · August 2015

1. Budget, budget, and budget. And did I mention the budget?

Work backwards. If your budget is $10K your reception should cost about $5000. That does not mean you should be looking at $50/pp menus for 100 people. You should be looking at $30 - $35/pp menus to account for tax and gratuities, not to mention leaving wiggle room in your head count for vendors and new SO's. Drill down further. Does that cost include rentals, china, flatware, glassware, etc? Same with things like attire. If your overall budget for that line item is $1000 you should be looking at $500 dresses to be able to cover alterations, undergarments, shoes, veil, etc. There are always extras in each main budget category that add up quickly.

2. Keep your wedding talk to a minimum. No one cares about it as much as you, and the more information you divulge you get 1) people (usually family members) who think they can have input into the decisions without paying and 2) people who start to assume since you are sharing so many details they are invited. It is wrong for anyone to do those things, but don't put yourself in a situation where you are encouraging it. I got married when FB was in its infancy (so I guess that makes me an old timer) so I would suggest keeping your wedding completely off social media. It is possible, I promise you. There is not much that makes my eyes roll more than to see "182 days until I marry my best friend!" posts. Yeah good for you. . .

3. Do not have any of your guests work before/during/after your wedding, especially not your elders. This is not the time or place for Grandma to make her famous mashed potatoes for 200 people, your hairdresser Aunt to get up at the crack of dawn to do your entire wedding party's hair for free, or your best friend to handle all of the place settings and centerpieces because she is organized. They are your honored guests so treat them as such. Even if they offer, take the high road and respectfully decline. If you can't afford it/can't get it done without their help you are planning a wedding outside your means.

ShesSoCold · August 2015

If we could sticky this thread and somehow force people to read it, all of everyone's questions would always be answered, we wouldn't have to answer the same questions constantly, these boards would be dead and I'd be mega bored during the work day.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

loveislouder said:

Before I came on TK I didn't know that the Reception was a thank you for the guests for coming - I thought it was just a giant party.

The best piece of advice I got (we were sitting about 30 days out and I was stressing hard): What gets done gets done, and what doesn't wasn't all that important to begin with. At the end of the day you're married and that's all that matters.

A lot of people are under this misconception.

Fiance's friend's wife is diabetic, so I was running our menu past her to make sure she would have enough to eat off it. She said it was so thoughtful of me. I said, "well, the reception is a thank you to your guests for coming to your wedding and a meal you're hosting for them, so I want to do what I can within reason to accommodate people." She was like "no, those people are there to celebrate you."

Ugh! She is SO sweet, but no wonder she had a 90 minute gap (so the WP could go bar hopping), a head table with WP but not SO's, and not enough cup cakes for everyone to have one...

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · August 2015

banana468 said:

Guests don't remember the things that brides can stress. They don't care about a monogram or a personalized ribbon or lighting in your wedding colors. They do remember good food , quality cake and whether or not you hosted well. Remember, most people would rather eat BBQ and macaroni and cheese on paper plates with a cold hosted beer in their hand (or wine) vs. dress up and pay for their drinks. If you treat any one group of guests with some priority over others, the others will find out. And they'll be pissed. And finally, do not plan anything under the belief that you'll make money back from the gifts from your guests.

**********************

OK, now I'm hungry!!

I am in the beginning stages of planning my wedding but I have already learned SO much through these forums and I love it! My plans have changed from a destination wedding in the Caribbean to an Ohio wedding and I feel these forums give better advice/guidance than WeddingWire and WeddingBee.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

Jax43615 said:

banana468 said:

Guests don't remember the things that brides can stress. They don't care about a monogram or a personalized ribbon or lighting in your wedding colors. They do remember good food , quality cake and whether or not you hosted well. Remember, most people would rather eat BBQ and macaroni and cheese on paper plates with a cold hosted beer in their hand (or wine) vs. dress up and pay for their drinks. If you treat any one group of guests with some priority over others, the others will find out. And they'll be pissed. And finally, do not plan anything under the belief that you'll make money back from the gifts from your guests.

**********************

OK, now I'm hungry!!

I am in the beginning stages of planning my wedding but I have already learned SO much through these forums and I love it! My plans have changed from a destination wedding in the Caribbean to an Ohio wedding and I feel these forums give better advice/guidance than WeddingWire and WeddingBee.

I agree. I went from destination wedding to wedding at home in the heart of the city to casual local wedding where parking fees aren't $40 a pop.

huskypuppy14 · August 2015

You are not special just because you are getting married.

And what everyone else said.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

Probably the simplest advice that will save you stress now AND after the wedding? MAKE AN E-MAIL ADDRESS JUST FOR WEDDING SHIT. Go to a bridal show? They will sell the hell out of your e-mail and you will get e-mails from random vendors forever. The Knot will e-mail you almost DAILY. Vendors will pretend they can't give you prices until you e-mail and then send you a pre-made PDF or unlisted link just so they can e-mail you constantly afterward. Make a separate e-mail and DELETE THE ACCOUNT once your wedding is over.

lyndausvi · August 2015

sylveonplath said:

Probably the simplest advice that will save you stress now AND after the wedding? MAKE AN E-MAIL ADDRESS JUST FOR WEDDING SHIT. Go to a bridal show? They will sell the hell out of your e-mail and you will get e-mails from random vendors forever. The Knot will e-mail you almost DAILY. Vendors will pretend they can't give you prices until you e-mail and then send you a pre-made PDF or unlisted link just so they can e-mail you constantly afterward. Make a separate e-mail and DELETE THE ACCOUNT once your wedding is over.

I never went to bridal shows and so I never had that problem. I also planned my wedding from OOT using email and didn't get a bunch of spam emails either. I guess I was just lucky.

You can turn off the Knot emails. I've been on here for way longer then I care to admit, but I never get emails from the Knot. Well I've gotten some mod related stuff, but that is all.

Jen4948 · August 2015

If you are planning to involve children in your wedding, a few rules of thumb:

1) The younger they are, the more likely it is that they won't be able or willing to do exactly what you want them to do, have meltdowns, refuse to participate at the last minute, or otherwise behave in undesirable ways. Even older ones might do so. Be prepared for that and plan accordingly. If they're younger than 3, limit their involvement to being in photos, because that's about all they are old enough to do or understand about your wedding. Don't try to make them go up and down the aisle-including in wagons, strollers, carts, or carriages. Some venues don't allow it, and it's a safety hazard even if they do.

2) If they're your own children, you're marrying someone other than their other parent, and their other parent is in the picture, be aware that your children may have their own feelings about your marriage to someone else, which may not be smiley-faced. Don't force them to participate in any way they aren't comfortable with.

3) Assuming your children are comfortable with being in the wedding, while they can escort you down the aisle, they should not "give you away" or participate in any vow exchange in the ceremony. If you feel the need for a "family bonding ritual" or to give them gifts, do this in private and not at the ceremony.

4) Children participating in wedding ceremonies, including your own, are ring bearers or flower girls (ages 3 to about 8) or BM/MOH, bridesmaids/groomsmen, groomsmaids/bridesmen, readers or ushers if they are older than that. There are no "junior" bridesmaids or groomsmen. The only things they cannot do are sign marriage licenses as witnesses, legally drink, or attend events at bars or adult establishments.

5) Don't split families by inviting some but not all of the children. That includes treating stepchildren as non-family members.

Jen4948 · August 2015

You don't have to "incorporate" every aspect of your life into your wedding.

MGP · August 2015

Jen4948 said:
You don't have to "incorporate" every aspect of your life into your wedding.

Truer words have never been spoken.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

I don't know if this has been mentioned sorry if so... The fewer people who know all your plans the better. People tend to like to "help" or make demands its easier when just you and your FI know and are making the calls. Provided you are the ones paying.

Advice from old-timers

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