Gritting my teeth...

themosthappy91 · August 2015

So what exactly did your FI say to your FMIL in response to the "grow a pair comment"? I hope he shut that down real quick!

If he's anything like my H though, he was probably so intensely uncomfortable that he just kind of mumbled something about how it's not like that and rushed off the phone. My MIL has said similar things (though not quite THAT intense) about basically assuming I'm making all the decisions and steamrollering over what he/his family wants... it's taken us a while to work out how to deal with those kinds of statements to both of our satisfaction. If roles were reversed and my parents said something like that to me I would have no problem laying down the law right then and there, but H is non-confrontational and would rather just let her spout off and ignore it, or bring it up later once he's had time to collect himself and think of exactly what he wants to say. Unfortunately when he does that (brings it up later in an attempt to be more articulate) I suspect my MIL assumes that he's only doing so because he told me what she said and I've since "coached" him in how he has to respond... ugh.

pinupbride6189 · August 2015

themosthappy91 said:

So what exactly did your FI say to your FMIL in response to the "grow a pair comment"? I hope he shut that down real quick!

If he's anything like my H though, he was probably so intensely uncomfortable that he just kind of mumbled something about how it's not like that and rushed off the phone. My MIL has said similar things (though not quite THAT intense) about basically assuming I'm making all the decisions and steamrollering over what he/his family wants... it's taken us a while to work out how to deal with those kinds of statements to both of our satisfaction. If roles were reversed and my parents said something like that to me I would have no problem laying down the law right then and there, but H is non-confrontational and would rather just let her spout off and ignore it, or bring it up later once he's had time to collect himself and think of exactly what he wants to say. Unfortunately when he does that (brings it up later in an attempt to be more articulate) I suspect my MIL assumes that he's only doing so because he told me what she said and I've since "coached" him in how he has to respond... ugh.

You know, I'm really not sure how he responded. But in all likelihood, probably the way your H would/has. He's pretty non-confrontational, too, but aside from that, FMIL doesn't allow a word in edgewise. When she did it the last time while I was shopping for my dress, she made him angry enough that he attempted to defend himself and she just hung up the phone.

CMGragain · August 2015

I had the MIL from hell, way back when, too. When she called DH on a rant, he would listen, try and reassure her, and then just dismiss the whole conversation. He wouldn't tell me about any of the hurtful things she said about me.
My own mother was very critical of DH. I didn't repeat the stupid stuff she said about him, but I told her she was full of it. After a while, she stopped the rants. I did have to hand up on her a few times, first, though.

themosthappy91 · August 2015

CMGragain said:

I had the MIL from hell, way back when, too. When she called DH on a rant, he would listen, try and reassure her, and then just dismiss the whole conversation. He wouldn't tell me about any of the hurtful things she said about me.
My own mother was very critical of DH. I didn't repeat the stupid stuff she said about him, but I told her she was full of it. After a while, she stopped the rants. I did have to hand up on her a few times, first, though.

That's awesome that that worked for you, but absolutely would not fly in my marriage. I'm definitely not a fan of the "ignorance is bliss" approach to life and prefer full disclosure when it comes to dealing with anything parent-related. If the things my in-laws were saying about me were truly terrible, I'd want to know so we could cut them out of our lives and not expose ourselves and our potential children to toxic people, and if they were just annoying and upsetting on a lesser scale I'm an adult and don't need to be protected from that.

CMGragain · August 2015

themosthappy91 said:

CMGragain said:

I had the MIL from hell, way back when, too. When she called DH on a rant, he would listen, try and reassure her, and then just dismiss the whole conversation. He wouldn't tell me about any of the hurtful things she said about me.
My own mother was very critical of DH. I didn't repeat the stupid stuff she said about him, but I told her she was full of it. After a while, she stopped the rants. I did have to hand up on her a few times, first, though.

That's awesome that that worked for you, but absolutely would not fly in my marriage. I'm definitely not a fan of the "ignorance is bliss" approach to life and prefer full disclosure when it comes to dealing with anything parent-related. If the things my in-laws were saying about me were truly terrible, I'd want to know so we could cut them out of our lives and not expose ourselves and our potential children to toxic people, and if they were just annoying and upsetting on a lesser scale I'm an adult and don't need to be protected from that.

I get where you are coming from, but we were separated by 1100 miles, so I didn't need to hear the crap. I knew she hated me - that is, until I gave her the first grandchild. She died a long time ago, so it wasn't an ongoing issue. My DH didn't need to hear the critical crap from my mother either. My kids grew up knowing that their extended family was weird. It is easier to deal with when you live far away.

fyrchk · August 2015

Oh wow, OP! I am so sorry that she is still doing this. From my point of view, it's almost like she doesn't want to tell your FBIL sooner about the Prom issue because she wants the drama to be more intense when she does. And what better way to accomplish that then wait until the last minute? I'm glad your FI is going to talk to him about it.

I'm going to guess that at the tasting she is going to either:
A: Go along with whatever you and FI want and then bitch later that you "didn't consult her at all" or;
B: Make the tasting uncomfortable for everyone involved.

Good luck on dealing with her BS.

pinupbride6189 · August 2015

fyrchk said:

Oh wow, OP! I am so sorry that she is still doing this. From my point of view, it's almost like she doesn't want to tell your FBIL sooner about the Prom issue because she wants the drama to be more intense when she does. And what better way to accomplish that then wait until the last minute? I'm glad your FI is going to talk to him about it.

I'm going to guess that at the tasting she is going to either:
A: Go along with whatever you and FI want and then bitch later that you "didn't consult her at all" or;
B: Make the tasting uncomfortable for everyone involved.

Good luck on dealing with her BS.

So the tasting actually went pretty well. FMIL was pretty chill the whole time, and really outside of wedding things she and I like each other and get along well. We found out that she actually did talk to FBIL before flying out. She told us that she gave him until March to decide. I'm hoping he'll decide a little sooner though, just because it would be helpful to know, seeing as he's a GM and we'll probably need to get his attire ordered a little before that (especially since we're getting married in the middle of prom season...). FI is still going to call and talk to him about it and let him know that it's definitely his decision, but also to let him know how much it would mean to him if he could be there. I'm thinking we might also offer to invite his GF, although that'd really be up to her parents since they're both teenagers and it is an OOT wedding (and yes, I know you aren't supposed to split up SOs, but again, they're both minors in HS, and I remember a thread not to long ago saying that at that point, the social unit is mom, dad, child, etc.). FI also had a chance to talk to his mom and we're hoping HOPING that she understands the guest list situation now, at least, but we shall see.

Gritting my teeth...

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