Okay my friends. I'm going to get some sort of shit for this from you guys I'm sure... but I need help. Please bear with me while I try to spit this all out. This will be LONG.
H tried to kill himself last night. Why am I on TK and not with him, you ask? Because he doesn't want me in the room. And I think it's my fault.
H has been depressed since he was a teenager and his mom wouldn't buy him anti-depressants even after he was diagnosed because she thought he was making it up for attention because, in her words, he's a middle child and the product of divorce, therefore he seeks attention. By the time H and I got together, he didn't ant to take them anymore because he didn't want to disappoint his Mom.
This has been a long standing issue with us - I love him and I want him to be happy, but he won't do anything to help himself and I can't force him. It's never been this bad before.
Why do I think it's my fault? H and I have been arguing for the past week about him wanting to take a job that's $1000.00 less per month but we can't afford for him to do it. We need that money to keep our house. If it was an extra $1000.00 per month that we were just putting away for a vacation or something I'd tell him to take the job, but we really can't afford it. We're already having money issues (we're not behind on our payments or anything... we just took on a lot of debt when we bought our house and we need to get out of it, and we're living pay cheque to pay cheque).
Well last night H gets a photo radar ticket in the mail. This is his 9th one in 6 months. I was like Babe I'm a little mad. You need to watch your speed please. We can't afford to be giving the government $2,500.00 every months. Well he lays into me about how I speed all the time and never get caught and how this is all my fault. I just put my hand up and was like I really don't want to fight right now. I'm going to have a shower. Feel free to join me.
I get out of the shower 20 minutes later and hes on the couch looking a little dazed and I was like... what's up. "You'll never have to worry about me or money again." Then I see the bottle. He downed a bottle of pills and chased it with vodka.
We get to the hospital and they tell me he's asking for me. So I go in, he begs me not to tell his mom or my family. I agreed, and then he tells me to get out. That he's too embarrassed that he's let it get this bad. He promises to get help, but he wants me out.
I don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about this because I promised him I wouldn't. The hospital is keeping him for a couple days on suicide watch, and they've set him up with a psychiatrist. Is that where my part ends? Do I let him do this on his own and just be supportive or do I try to go to every appointment with him and just wait for him to come to me?
How can I go to bed when he comes home, knowing that I could wake up and he will be just gone?
I'm at a loss ladies. I just. I can't.