Less than 1 year to plan a wedding -- eek!

arrrghmatey · August 2015

Or you could pay for your wedding yourselves and have the smaller guest list you want.

Edit: Or if you insist on accepting your mother's financial help, sit down with her and explain your space issue, and try to work something out for how many guests everyone can invite.

Pupatella · August 2015

I highly suggest trying not to stress over this. Go get a massage. Have a wedding talk free night with your friends. Just something to get your mind off of it.

If you do this to yourself for the next year, you are going to be so stressed and miserable, you are not going to enjoy the best year of your life. This should be such a fun and exciting time!!

snowywinter · August 2015

lildropofsunshine said:

I wouldn't have to be defensive if it didn't feel like people were attacking me.

I realize many people plan weddings in a year, but I'm not most people. I need to have plans made as far in advance as possible. Heck, I generally even plan going on a date a week in advance!! It's just my personality and I've always been that way.

I absolutely do not want an outdoor reception, so I'm working on an indoor reception. Have been calling around all day to work on that, and I won't even look at reception venues that can't hold less than 200 people. And since my mom is paying for the venue, it's on her if she goes over budget, not me.

As for the day, FMIL isn't dictating it, she is just insisting that we use the Chinese calendar and get married on an auspicious day. I'm the one who picked August 6 because I wanted a July wedding and that's as close to July as we can get.

And like I said, worst comes to worst, there are 3 state parks in my town, I can have the reception there. I'm not changing my date even though I just found out that it means I probably can't have my DJ and have to find another one.

Don't take it personally. There are some posters here who need to dictate everything and tell others what they HAVE to do, even when it isn't an etiquette issue. Other posters are super helpful though and while they may come across strong, they offer good advice. It's tough to weed through it, but if you do, you'll be much better off.

There's a wealth of information here if you know how to sift through it without getting yourself upset.

TheCheeseWench · August 2015

lildropofsunshine said:

arrrghmatey said:

lildropofsunshine said:

No idea if I'm even going to have liquor at the wedding. But if I do, who pays for it will be up to me and my mother, not you. FI and I hardly drink so I wouldn't mind a dry wedding.

As for linens and things, my mom is paying for all food related expenses. We're planning on having it catered simply by a caterer who has done stuff for my mom's work for ages (literally as long as I can remember, so at least the last 15 years).

I'm doing my own hair and makeup, so there's $0 there, mom is going to pay for flowers and centerpieces, not that there's going to be much for that and I don't anticipate more than $500 total for both of those since it's gonna be DIY and very simple. FI and I will probably have to do STDs and invitations. My FI is paying for the rings...

There is going to be no limo (I personally think that's such a ridiculous thing to have), we may or may not have a hotel room -- we could very well, and probably will just go home after the reception as I see nothing wrong with that and hotels are insanely expensive. Why pay $200+ for one night when you live in the same town as the wedding?!?? That's something else I think is pretty stupid.

The guest list on my mom's side is set in stone. She won't budge, I've already talked to her about taking people off and she absolutely will not because she said it'll cause family drama, so whatever. And I'm only inviting about 15 people for myself, so almost no one.

To the bolded: lots of ladies here have decided to do these things for their weddings. My FI and I are having a hotel for our in-town wedding because we want to. You can have your opinions, but shouldn't call other peoples' wedding ideas 'stupid.'

And people here have given you great advice. Lots of Type A folks have planned a large wedding in less than a year. You need to figure out your budget and guest list first before searching for your venue. Take it one step at a time.

So I'm not allowed to have opinions? I said I personally think it's stupid. I never said people shouldn't do it!

I am not Type A either. Maybe I come off that way, but ask anyone who knows me and they'd scoff if I were described as Type A!

I have a budget and a guest list. Both complete. I've said this multiple times now...

1. No one attacked you. You asked for advice and it was given.
2. You called other people's wedding plans both "ridiculous" and "stupid", yet don't like it when someone disagrees with you? People who offered you advice because you ASKED for it. If you can't handle honest opinions do not ask for them.
3. You say you wouldn't be such a mess if you hadn't changed your wedding date. Perhaps the original "auspicious calendar day" would be a better fit so you would not have to stress as much.

Methinks we have a beebee in our midst.

lildropofsunshine · August 2015

Space isn't an issue -- it's the fact that I just simply don't want a big wedding. I never have. I'm a more intimate, private person and don't want a huge spectacle. I just want a nice ceremony and a great time on the dance floor!

PamBeesly524 · August 2015

lildropofsunshine said:
Space isn't an issue -- it's the fact that I just simply don't want a big wedding. I never have. I'm a more intimate, private person and don't want a huge spectacle. I just want a nice ceremony and a great time on the dance floor!

Then don't have a big wedding. I'm so confused.

snowywinter · August 2015

PamBeesly524 said:

Space isn't an issue -- it's the fact that I just simply don't want a big wedding. I never have. I'm a more intimate, private person and don't want a huge spectacle. I just want a nice ceremony and a great time on the dance floor!
Then don't have a big wedding. I'm so confused.

Why are you confused? The poster has said numerous times that she doesn't want a big wedding. Her mother does and her mother is paying so her mother gets to invite who she wants.

PamBeesly524 · August 2015

snowywinter said:

PamBeesly524 said:

lildropofsunshine said:
Space isn't an issue -- it's the fact that I just simply don't want a big wedding. I never have. I'm a more intimate, private person and don't want a huge spectacle. I just want a nice ceremony and a great time on the dance floor!
Then don't have a big wedding. I'm so confused.

Why are you confused? The poster has said numerous times that she doesn't want a big wedding. Her mother does and her mother is paying so her mother gets to invite who she wants.

Yep, and the simple answer, if OP really didn't want a big wedding, is to decline the $$ and pay for it themselves. Bam, total control over their own wedding, what a novel idea.

PamBeesly524 · August 2015

Double post, thanks mobile.

TheCheeseWench · August 2015

PamBeesly524 said:

PamBeesly524 said:

Space isn't an issue -- it's the fact that I just simply don't want a big wedding. I never have. I'm a more intimate, private person and don't want a huge spectacle. I just want a nice ceremony and a great time on the dance floor!
Then don't have a big wedding. I'm so confused.

Why are you confused? The poster has said numerous times that she doesn't want a big wedding. Her mother does and her mother is paying so her mother gets to invite who she wants.
Yep, and the simple answer, if OP really didn't want a big wedding, is to decline the $$ and pay for it themselves. Bam, total control over their own wedding, what a novel idea.

Yes. Put on your big girl panties and pay for your own shit, or stop whining to strangers about your imperfect family-funded wedding.

ShesSoCold · August 2015

PamBeesly524 said:

PamBeesly524 said:

Space isn't an issue -- it's the fact that I just simply don't want a big wedding. I never have. I'm a more intimate, private person and don't want a huge spectacle. I just want a nice ceremony and a great time on the dance floor!
Then don't have a big wedding. I'm so confused.

Why are you confused? The poster has said numerous times that she doesn't want a big wedding. Her mother does and her mother is paying so her mother gets to invite who she wants.
Yep, and the simple answer, if OP really didn't want a big wedding, is to decline the $$ and pay for it themselves. Bam, total control over their own wedding, what a novel idea.

I don't want to speak for OP here, but it seems that she'd rather have the bigger wedding with her mom's money and input than pay for her (and her FI's) own smaller wedding. Which is also fine. There's nothing wrong with that.

lildropofsunshine · August 2015

Yes, I would rather have my mother pay for my wedding than come up with the money myself to have the smaller wedding because there aren't that many differences in people we want to invite.

southernbelle0915 · August 2015

OK wowwwww...I got stressed out just reading this. I can't imagine how keyed up you are when you talk to your FI about stuff. Relax!

OP, are there any auspicious days in 2017? Maybe even in July, like you wanted. Because holy shit...your level if stress with 12 months to go is INSANE.

lildropofsunshine · August 2015

There are in 2017, and our original date was in 2017, but neither of us actually wanted 2017, we wanted 2016...but we (well I) thought my mom wouldn't want two weddings in one summer, and once she said it was fine we said great, we're doing 2016!

There are also a lot of other things stressing me out right now in life that I'm not going to get into because they're personal and irrelevant, so my reactions to everything are more intense than normal.

MesmrEwe · August 2015

OP - one thing to remember about message boards is the typed word vs. people that know you IRL. No one here likely knows you IRL, so what may seem like attacking were really things that were inconsistent or didn't make sense and they were needing clarifications. Trust me, if they wanted to attack, this thread would already be five pages long.

How many guests are you inviting on FI's side? You mentioned your Mom's and your side, but not his.

Next, expand your search area to include things like KofC halls, Lion's Club halls, Community Centers, Convention Centers, etc. If what you're looking at is outside of your budget, start looking below it. You don't NEED a fancy reception hall to make your day grand, you need a great attitude only! Going under your budget is a better goal to attain than coming in right at your budget. You have a fair budget to work with given the size, but you need to watch your pennies. Also, check out nearby hotels and convention centers. Ask for a list of any "add-on" fees (taxes, gratuity, service fee, bar minimums, mandatory vendors, etc.) so you can take these costs into consideration as they can add quite a bit to the budget..

One thing to remember is that DIY Doesn't always equal cost savings. Having just done an anniversary party for my parents using Sam's for flowers, you might want to do a little more research into your flower budget. Depending on what you want $500 is doable, but consider something like the premade wedding flowers where you won't need to lift much of a finger because you're going to be incredibly busy the days leading up to the wedding.

lildropofsunshine · August 2015

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[Deleted User] · August 2015

@lildropofsunshine A word of advice from someone who did all their own florals. Buy more flowers than what you think you will need. You can always return them, but sometimes you really can't buy more if you find you need more than you thought, especially with chain stores like AC Moores.

However, I wouldn't worry about the centerpieces just yet. There are bigger things that need done. Pick a feasible color palette. Nail down your reception venue, caterer, and other vendors. Ask your bridal party, and then start the search for their gowns. Most importantly, take a deep breath, calm your bridal nerves, and realize that it really does all come together. Stressing at this stage will only make your life harder than it needs to be.

southernbelle0915 · August 2015

lildropofsunshine said:
There are in 2017, and our original date was in 2017, but neither of us actually wanted 2017, we wanted 2016...but we (well I) thought my mom wouldn't want two weddings in one summer, and once she said it was fine we said great, we're doing 2016!

There are also a lot of other things stressing me out right now in life that I'm not going to get into because they're personal and irrelevant, so my reactions to everything are more intense than normal.

Alright. If you choose an earlier date (2016) knowing you are the planning type and have other things going on right now...then you really need to realize that a year is a long time and its not going to happen overnight.

But heed people's advice about the order of operations here. Many have been through the whole process and have helped other brides plan successful events. We have seen please come here with actual 911 issues because they are two weeks away, owe final deposits, and mom/dad's promise fell through. So yea. Take the advice or leave it.

H and I invited 220 to our wedding and planned it in about a year. Everything was a la carte... From the chairs at our ceremony to the props for our photo booth. And I never really felt pressed for time. You'll be fine.

lildropofsunshine · August 2015

The only person I need to ask about being my bridal party is my FSIL. The others I'm not asking and it's a definite yes because they're my sisters and have already stated multiple times that they want to be bridesmaids...one even insists she's MOH even though I'm not having one.

LondonLisa · August 2015

JFC that is the most high stress thread I think I have ever read. OP, you need to chill out! This is going to be a miserable experience if you are defensive and high strung. Remember, you have your church, so all you are planning is a party.

Question, why are you asking for advice if you keep saying: "I have everything sorted."

It seems like everytime someone asks helpfully: budget? "already in hand" venue? I "have it organised". Bridal party? "Nope- have it". Church? "I already know where it is". What exactly do you want from us???? If it is just validation, then maybe try not being defensive.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

My advise is to keep it simple. That doesn't mean plain and boring but don't overthink things. Like when it comes to invites, keep them to simple 5x7 type invites avoiding any bows or blings or things with tons of inserts. First the fancier they are, the more they will cost. The more stuff you have in them and/or the thicker they are due to decor on them, the more it will cost to ship them. Except for parents & you, almost all of your guests will throw them away after the big day. Figure out what's most important to you. Try to find a venue that for lack of better terms is "all inclusive" The venue I found for our reception not only provided the staff and food, booze but all the linens, the cake, card box and cake were all included in the per person price. Granted, I didn't have a fancy card box, theirs was a slot in the cake table that went into a box under the table that was locked up for us. Yes the fancy card boxes are nice, but really, what was I going to do with one after the wedding? For centerpieces the venue had some nice options, I just had to provide the candles. There is something to be said for simple elegance.

mollybarker11 · August 2015

lildropofsunshine said:

southernbelle0915 said:

OK wowwwww...I got stressed out just reading this. I can't imagine how keyed up you are when you talk to your FI about stuff. Relax!

OP, are there any auspicious days in 2017? Maybe even in July, like you wanted. Because holy shit...your level if stress with 12 months to go is INSANE.

There are in 2017, and our original date was in 2017, but neither of us actually wanted 2017, we wanted 2016...but we (well I) thought my mom wouldn't want two weddings in one summer, and once she said it was fine we said great, we're doing 2016!

I got hung up on this too! In the first post she says they'd already begun planning a wedding for 7/29/2017 but pushed the date up when her mom said she was allowed to get married the same year as her brother... OP, I understand wanting to rush to get married next year because love and whatever, but it just seems like a lot of extra stress to go through.

Why not stick to the original plan and enjoy putting together the type of wedding you'll actually be happy with? It seems like this 2016 wedding has a lot of restrictions in place on it already (limited reception venue options, desired DJ unavailable, presumably others I'm forgetting that have you really anxious). Plus, going back to the 2017 date would give everyone time to save money, if they wanted to have a bit more flexibility with the budget.

However, if your answer is that having the wedding you want is not as important as starting your married life together ASAP, then keep that in mind during the planning process. It should help you relax and put things in perspective

lildropofsunshine · August 2015

Two years is a really long time. Neither of us wants to wait that long. And even if we do, my mom is still going to insist we invite the same people.

artbyallie · August 2015

lildropofsunshine said:

Two years is a really long time. Neither of us wants to wait that long. And even if we do, my mom is still going to insist we invite the same people.

Then don't let her pay. It's really that simple.

You're going to have to give up something that you want here no matter what. That's part of being an adult.

lildropofsunshine · August 2015

artbyallie said:

lildropofsunshine said:

Two years is a really long time. Neither of us wants to wait that long. And even if we do, my mom is still going to insist we invite the same people.

Then don't let her pay. It's really that simple.

You're going to have to give up something that you want here no matter what. That's part of being an adult.

I thought I made it clear that I've already given up the invite list and my mom is inviting everyone she wants and is paying...because that's what's happening regardless of when the wedding is.

justsie · August 2015

lildropofsunshine said:

artbyallie said:

lildropofsunshine said:

Two years is a really long time. Neither of us wants to wait that long. And even if we do, my mom is still going to insist we invite the same people.

Then don't let her pay. It's really that simple.

You're going to have to give up something that you want here no matter what. That's part of being an adult.

I thought I made it clear that I've already given up the invite list and my mom is inviting everyone she wants and is paying...because that's what's happening regardless of when the wedding is.

Why though? If you pay for your wedding, no one has a say on the invite list but you and your FI. So you can have the smaller wedding that you want.

mollybarker11 · August 2015

Alright, so we're sticking with the 2016 date, and FI becomes H a whole year sooner

Keep in mind this is the most important part! Reducing stress is all about mentality, knowing what you can control, and letting go of everything else. Try to think of your set date as something to anchor you, that's one solid thing you no longer need to worry about. Everything will come together in time.

I'm also the type of person who needs lots of notice for things and needs to have things planned far in advance, so I really relate. My advice is to find a timeline checklist (@Pupatella shared a link to the Knot's on pg 1), keeping in mind you can eliminate anything that doesn't apply to your particular wedding as a lot of "Wedding Must-Haves" I've seen online are complete bullcrap.

I find that having lists really helps tone down my anxiety levels when I feel overwhelmed. Even putting small steps is good because you won't feel like you're forgetting anything, and crossing anything off makes you feel accomplished.

Google docs is another good resource because you can make them visible to everyone involved with the planning (FI, Mom, Dad) all in one place so you don't have to keep track of who said what to who.

mollybarker11 · August 2015

lildropofsunshine said:

I made it clear that I've already given up the invite list and my mom is inviting everyone she wants and is paying...

It sounds like you've now accepted that a bigger guest-list comes along with your mother's contributions, but one of the remaining stressors is the balance of the two. There may still be a few kinks to work out there.

Since your parents are covering the reception venue & food (the majority of the wedding costs), they have final say in the arrangements, but they may have unrealistic expectations. I suggest making them more involved with the venue-hunt so they can see what a difficult time you've been having. That may open them up to more flexibility. I know having them so involved may seem like a "too many cooks" situation, but try to think of it as a relief. This means that you & FI don't have to do all the work alone.

You mentioned a perfect reception venue 20mins away that's outside of your (mothers') price range. Have you approached her with this idea? Maybe you could draw up a few different mock wedding plans to give her an idea of what's doable there, emphasizing that it's all-inclusive (aside from the gluten-free baker). Eg, maybe her desired $10,000 could cover 75 guests, while $15,000 could cover her desired 150 guests. She might compromise on which figure is more important for her to stick to.

lildropofsunshine · August 2015

Why am I compromising with my mom? Because I want her to pay! I'd rather my FI and I have a good chunk of our own money at the beginning of our marriage instead of spending it all on our wedding.

My mom has helped with the venue hunt, so she knows how difficult it is. I have talked to her about the more expensive venue, and she said no, even after we've discussed other venues that aren't even options because they're too small, not even me being picky...and trust me, I'm not being picky. I even called the local nature center at my mom's suggestion (which by the way, I really dislike and have since I was a kid), but it's not big enough so...that's a real no-go.

It's looking like I'll be having an outdoor reception at the plantations because there's almost no chance that that venue is booked...but if the yacht club is free, we'll be doing it there.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · August 2015

A yacht club sounds like a great time!

And if you have to end up having your reception somewhere that you'd rather not, then that's ok. You even said yourself that you just want to have a good time on the dance floor and that can be done anywhere.

Less than 1 year to plan a wedding -- eek!

Re: Less than 1 year to plan a wedding -- eek!

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