My sister HAS to be my bridesmaid ?

rebecasants · May 2015

I didn't invite my sister as my bridesmaid because we are close but not as the ones that I choose as my bridesmaids . But now my mom is putting pressure on me for not inviting them ? Is there any way that I can make them feel special even though they are not my bridesmaids ? Any ideas ? Please

AddieCake · May 2015

If you are not close to your sisters, there is no reason you should feel pressured or forced to include them. If you want, you could make them readers or you could just invite them to get ready with you. Not everyone needs to be "included" in the wedding itself.

mikenberger · May 2015

AddieCake said:
If you are not close to your sisters, there is no reason you should feel pressured or forced to include them. If you want, you could make them readers or you could just invite them to get ready with you. Not everyone needs to be "included" in the wedding itself.

These things. Do not allow yourself to be bullied to include people you haven't chosen as your bridal party.

Jen4948 · May 2015

Your bridesmaids should be whoever you feel closest to in the here and now, even if your sisters aren't among them. Also, this is one instance in which paying for any portion of your wedding does not give your mother a say, so it really isn't up to her, even if she threatens to or actually withdraws any funding from your wedding or to boycott it. (Be prepared for those things to happen if your mother won't drop the subject though.)

If you want to "include" your sisters without asking them to be bridesmaids, they can be readers or ushers, or they can join you as you get ready on your wedding day. And as long as they are invited to the wedding itself, they can be invited to any parties being thrown for you.

larrygaga · May 2015

Generally, sisters are MOH. It supposed to be the most important woman in your life.

Jen4948 · May 2015

larrygaga said:
Generally, sisters are MOH. It supposed to be the most important woman in your life.

Who is not always the bride's sister. The bride may not even have a sister.

Sorry, but a predefined relationship does not establish who an MOH should be. Who the bride feels closest to-who may be a nonrelative-does.

TrixieJess · May 2015

My aunt has 3 sisters (my mom is one) and had a maid and a matron of honour at her wedding. Neither were any of her sisters. The women in her wedding party were women who she was extremely close to and very good friends with. I was 14 when she got married and I got to do a reading (she thought I was too young and too tall...[inside family joke]...to be in the wedding party).

The point is, pick the people you are closest to, they don't even have to be female.

KatWAG · May 2015

larrygaga said:

Generally, sisters are MOH. It supposed to be the most important woman in your life.

The OP said that her sister is not the closest/ most important in her life.

Tell your mom you are sorry but you have already decided on your wedding party. Then bean dip

SP29 · May 2015

Nope. There is no requirement that your sister must be in your WP.

Your WP should be your nearest and dearest. This is also a decision that is made solely by you, regardless of who is footing the bill.

MesmrEwe · June 2015

In spite of what your Mom is telling you - in 20 years will you personally regret NOT having them as a BM? If you only want her to show up as a guest...Be honest about what role you want her to have in the day. You'll make yourself loud and clear either way.

(and FYI - I'm "Team Mom" on this one personally, but it's still 100% your choice and decision to make)..

sassercake12 · June 2015

You absolutely don't have to make your sisters bridesmaids if you're not close with them. There are still plenty of ways you can include them that PPs have suggested. Having them do a reading and get ready with you that morning are very nice gestures.

FTR, I made my sister my MOH out of that sense of obligation, and I kind of regret it.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

mikenberger said:

If you are not close to your sisters, there is no reason you should feel pressured or forced to include them. If you want, you could make them readers or you could just invite them to get ready with you. Not everyone needs to be "included" in the wedding itself.
These things. Do not allow yourself to be bullied to include people you haven't chosen as your bridal party.

This. So, FI has four sisters. I have one sister (my MOH) and four close friends. By those numbers, I would have one MOH and eight bridesmaids. One FSIL got upset about not being selected as a bridesmaid, but I mean... you try getting nine girls to agree on a dress! Ain't gonna happen.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

rusticbride27 said:

mikenberger said:

If you are not close to your sisters, there is no reason you should feel pressured or forced to include them. If you want, you could make them readers or you could just invite them to get ready with you. Not everyone needs to be "included" in the wedding itself.
These things. Do not allow yourself to be bullied to include people you haven't chosen as your bridal party.

This. So, FI has four sisters. I have one sister (my MOH) and four close friends. By those numbers, I would have one MOH and eight bridesmaids. One FSIL got upset about not being selected as a bridesmaid, but I mean... you try getting nine girls to agree on a dress! Ain't gonna happen.

I agree with you, but not because of agreeing on a dress. The last several weddings I've been to, the bridesmaids did NOT wear the same dress. It seems to be much more popular to select a color scheme and let the ladies pick their own clothes.

JerseyBeachGal22 · July 2015

For what it's worth... I have three sisters, FI has one sister. I'm VERY close to my sisters and they are all Maids of Honor. FI's sister and I do NOT get along and have had our issues. But because I have much better things to do than deal with than the war that would erupt if she wasn't in the BP, I asked her to be in it (I also have two other BMs). I know most people say not to have siblings/future in-laws if you're not close and I do agree, yet also pick your battles. I'm a very upfront person and have voiced my position on things more times than not (and we are funding our own wedding), but all she is doing is standing with my nearest and dearest the day of the wedding. Honestly, it probably bothers her A LOT more than me, so it is what it is.

OP - you mentioned you ARE close with your sisters, so if your decision is based solely on numbers (as we all see brides getting WAY too hung up on), then consider including them as BMs.

KnottieBoots · July 2015

I'd include them, unless you're totally and completely estranged from them. I just don't think it's worth creating a battle over it. They'll be in your wedding party photos and sit at the "head table" (if you're having one). That doesn't sound like a big deal to me. It will create good will with your sisters. If your mother is the controlling type, and tries to tell you how to do everything else too... you can stop her by telling her you made this one big concession to have your sisters as bridesmaids. Lol.

Jen4948 · July 2015

KnottieBoots said:
I'd include them, unless you're totally and completely estranged from them. I just don't think it's worth creating a battle over it. They'll be in your wedding party photos and sit at the "head table" (if you're having one). That doesn't sound like a big deal to me. It will create good will with your sisters. If your mother is the controlling type, and tries to tell you how to do everything else too... you can stop her by telling her you made this one big concession to have your sisters as bridesmaids. Lol.

This is a lousy reason to choose someone to be in your wedding party. Given that you can't ask them to step down later, they need to be someone who already is one of the people you feel closest to, not someone you choose to keep the peace.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

KnottieBoots said:

I'd include them, unless you're totally and completely estranged from them. I just don't think it's worth creating a battle over it. They'll be in your wedding party photos and sit at the "head table" (if you're having one). That doesn't sound like a big deal to me. It will create good will with your sisters. If your mother is the controlling type, and tries to tell you how to do everything else too... you can stop her by telling her you made this one big concession to have your sisters as bridesmaids. Lol.

You really are everywhere giving lousy advice, aren't you?

In other news, Head Tables are so 1980s. Please let every bridal party member sit with their dates either at a Kings Table or at regular guest tables.

zitiqueen · July 2015

KnottieBoots said:

I'd include them, unless you're totally and completely estranged from them. I just don't think it's worth creating a battle over it. They'll be in your wedding party photos and sit at the "head table" (if you're having one). That doesn't sound like a big deal to me. It will create good will with your sisters. If your mother is the controlling type, and tries to tell you how to do everything else too... you can stop her by telling her you made this one big concession to have your sisters as bridesmaids. Lol.

Weddings aren't the time to try to repair or create relationships.

AddieCake · July 2015

Nobody should feel forced to include people in the wedding party that they are not close to.

wackall · August 2015

Team MOM - cuz I am (mog) Do you understand why mom is saying this? I had to explain it to my son years ago..... here is what I told him.

When you are standing over your Dad's grave or mine, who will be standing beside you? It won't be your best friend 40+ years ago. It probably won't even be anyone else who is at your wedding with the exception of your spouse I hope. No, it will be your brother. I am hoping that the two of you can comfort each other, and by sharing it find it to be less painful. But you can't build a relationship like that by only sharing the bad times. You need to share the good times too, and right now this is not just a good time but a GREAT one.. there is a reason to share it with him over any other.

Granted this is for siblings who are not estranged for good reason, just not as close at this age as they are too friends. I don't care who you are, when you start hitting your forties and fifties, you realize that all those friendships through the fault of no one, tend to drift away and that only family is a constant and they start becoming more and more important and you find yourself being less judgmental and more forgiving. Now granted, my hubby and I have maintained a solid relationship with our BM and MOH even after 43 years but they still are not family and it was my brother with me to bury our parents not our friends.

Our son understood what we were saying and for whatever reason, agreed. Now 15 years later, he has not talked to the friend he wanted as BM in 4 years, he has no idea where half his GMs are. But he talked to his brother and exchanged first day of school pics yesterday. They are making time for one another, even though they are as different as night and day, and I feel better knowing that they will be able to deal with all the decisions they may have to make in my old age and after as caring people rather than adversaries. That means a lot to a mother.

Believe it or not she really is trying to look out for you, not just for today, but for a lifetime.

Jen4948 · August 2015

wackall said:
Team MOM - cuz I am (mog)   Do you understand why mom is saying this? I had to explain it to my son years ago..... here is what I told him.
When you are standing over your Dad's grave or mine, who will be standing beside you? It won't be your best friend 40+ years ago. It probably won't even be anyone else who is at your wedding with the exception of your spouse I hope. No, it will be your brother. I am hoping that the two of you can comfort each other, and by sharing it find it to be less painful.   But you can't build a relationship like that by only sharing the bad times.   You need to share the good times too, and right now this is not just a good time but a GREAT one.. there is a reason to share it with him over any other.
Granted this is for siblings who are not estranged for good reason, just not as close at this age as they are too friends.   I don't care who you are, when you start hitting your forties and fifties, you realize that all those friendships through the fault of no one, tend to drift away and that only family is a constant and they start becoming more and more important and you find yourself being less judgmental and more forgiving. Now granted, my hubby and I have maintained a solid relationship with our BM and MOH even after 43 years but they still are not family and it was my brother with me to bury our parents not our friends.
Our son understood what we were saying and for whatever reason, agreed. Now 15 years later, he has not talked to the friend he wanted as BM in 4 years, he has no idea where half his GMs are.   But he talked to his brother and exchanged first day of school pics yesterday. They are making time for one another, even though they are as different as night and day, and I feel better knowing that they will be able to deal with all the decisions they may have to make in my old age and after as caring people rather than adversaries. That means a lot to a mother.
Believe it or not she really is trying to look out for you, not just for today, but for a lifetime.

You were lucky that relationships are warm and close in your family. But in families where they're not, this kind of advice doesn't help at best and makes things harder at worst because the point of choosing someone is to honor an existing warm relationship, not to reconcile or create one that doesn't exist.

There are lots of stories of people who chose family members or others they weren't close to solely to make third parties like their parents or grandparents happy-and regretted it ever since.

AddieCake · August 2015

No, family is not the only constant. It isn't even necessarily any constant at all. Please don't make assumptions about the family relationships and dynamics of everyone.

TrixieJess · August 2015

wackall said:

Team MOM - cuz I am (mog)   Do you understand why mom is saying this? I had to explain it to my son years ago..... here is what I told him.
When you are standing over your Dad's grave or mine, who will be standing beside you? It won't be your best friend 40+ years ago. It probably won't even be anyone else who is at your wedding with the exception of your spouse I hope. No, it will be your brother. I am hoping that the two of you can comfort each other, and by sharing it find it to be less painful.   But you can't build a relationship like that by only sharing the bad times.   You need to share the good times too, and right now this is not just a good time but a GREAT one.. there is a reason to share it with him over any other.
Granted this is for siblings who are not estranged for good reason, just not as close at this age as they are too friends.   I don't care who you are, when you start hitting your forties and fifties, you realize that all those friendships through the fault of no one, tend to drift away and that only family is a constant and they start becoming more and more important and you find yourself being less judgmental and more forgiving. Now granted, my hubby and I have maintained a solid relationship with our BM and MOH even after 43 years but they still are not family and it was my brother with me to bury our parents not our friends.
Our son understood what we were saying and for whatever reason, agreed. Now 15 years later, he has not talked to the friend he wanted as BM in 4 years, he has no idea where half his GMs are.   But he talked to his brother and exchanged first day of school pics yesterday. They are making time for one another, even though they are as different as night and day, and I feel better knowing that they will be able to deal with all the decisions they may have to make in my old age and after as caring people rather than adversaries. That means a lot to a mother.
Believe it or not she really is trying to look out for you, not just for today, but for a lifetime.

Bawhahahahahahaha...Not in my family!

Family is not made up of blood. It's who you choose to have around you. If my mother tried to dictate a relationship between my siblings and I, I would tell her to back off.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

wackall said:

Team MOM - cuz I am (mog)   Do you understand why mom is saying this? I had to explain it to my son years ago..... here is what I told him.
When you are standing over your Dad's grave or mine, who will be standing beside you? It won't be your best friend 40+ years ago. It probably won't even be anyone else who is at your wedding with the exception of your spouse I hope. No, it will be your brother. I am hoping that the two of you can comfort each other, and by sharing it find it to be less painful.   But you can't build a relationship like that by only sharing the bad times.   You need to share the good times too, and right now this is not just a good time but a GREAT one.. there is a reason to share it with him over any other.
Granted this is for siblings who are not estranged for good reason, just not as close at this age as they are too friends.   I don't care who you are, when you start hitting your forties and fifties, you realize that all those friendships through the fault of no one, tend to drift away and that only family is a constant and they start becoming more and more important and you find yourself being less judgmental and more forgiving. Now granted, my hubby and I have maintained a solid relationship with our BM and MOH even after 43 years but they still are not family and it was my brother with me to bury our parents not our friends.
Our son understood what we were saying and for whatever reason, agreed. Now 15 years later, he has not talked to the friend he wanted as BM in 4 years, he has no idea where half his GMs are.   But he talked to his brother and exchanged first day of school pics yesterday. They are making time for one another, even though they are as different as night and day, and I feel better knowing that they will be able to deal with all the decisions they may have to make in my old age and after as caring people rather than adversaries. That means a lot to a mother.
Believe it or not she really is trying to look out for you, not just for today, but for a lifetime.

Yep. When we have to bury my parents, it will be my sister standing next to me. But we won't be comforting Each Other, because that girl will be a fucking mess! I'll be comforting her, her husband will be comforting her, her child will be comforting her, the rest of our family will be comforting her, and I will be on the sidelines quietly grieving. She's not an "in bad times" kind of friend, I'm the rock. So fuck her if she and my mom want her to stand next to me on my wedding day. She doesn't get the "good times" if she can't handle the bad times. I'll pick who I damn well please, thank you. And fuck anyone whose feefees get hurt.

Jen4948 · August 2015

TrixieJess said:

wackall said:

Team MOM - cuz I am (mog)   Do you understand why mom is saying this? I had to explain it to my son years ago..... here is what I told him.
When you are standing over your Dad's grave or mine, who will be standing beside you? It won't be your best friend 40+ years ago. It probably won't even be anyone else who is at your wedding with the exception of your spouse I hope. No, it will be your brother. I am hoping that the two of you can comfort each other, and by sharing it find it to be less painful.   But you can't build a relationship like that by only sharing the bad times.   You need to share the good times too, and right now this is not just a good time but a GREAT one.. there is a reason to share it with him over any other.
Granted this is for siblings who are not estranged for good reason, just not as close at this age as they are too friends.   I don't care who you are, when you start hitting your forties and fifties, you realize that all those friendships through the fault of no one, tend to drift away and that only family is a constant and they start becoming more and more important and you find yourself being less judgmental and more forgiving. Now granted, my hubby and I have maintained a solid relationship with our BM and MOH even after 43 years but they still are not family and it was my brother with me to bury our parents not our friends.
Our son understood what we were saying and for whatever reason, agreed. Now 15 years later, he has not talked to the friend he wanted as BM in 4 years, he has no idea where half his GMs are.   But he talked to his brother and exchanged first day of school pics yesterday. They are making time for one another, even though they are as different as night and day, and I feel better knowing that they will be able to deal with all the decisions they may have to make in my old age and after as caring people rather than adversaries. That means a lot to a mother.
Believe it or not she really is trying to look out for you, not just for today, but for a lifetime.

Bawhahahahahahaha...Not in my family!

Family is not made up of blood. It's who you choose to have around you. If my mother tried to dictate a relationship between my siblings and I, I would tell her to back off.

My mother has tried to dictate a relationship between me and my siblings, and has been told to back off.

LD1970 · August 2015

wackall said:

Team MOM - cuz I am (mog)   Do you understand why mom is saying this? I had to explain it to my son years ago..... here is what I told him.
When you are standing over your Dad's grave or mine, who will be standing beside you? It won't be your best friend 40+ years ago. It probably won't even be anyone else who is at your wedding with the exception of your spouse I hope. No, it will be your brother. I am hoping that the two of you can comfort each other, and by sharing it find it to be less painful.   But you can't build a relationship like that by only sharing the bad times.   You need to share the good times too, and right now this is not just a good time but a GREAT one.. there is a reason to share it with him over any other.
Granted this is for siblings who are not estranged for good reason, just not as close at this age as they are too friends.   I don't care who you are, when you start hitting your forties and fifties, you realize that all those friendships through the fault of no one, tend to drift away and that only family is a constant and they start becoming more and more important and you find yourself being less judgmental and more forgiving. Now granted, my hubby and I have maintained a solid relationship with our BM and MOH even after 43 years but they still are not family and it was my brother with me to bury our parents not our friends.
Our son understood what we were saying and for whatever reason, agreed. Now 15 years later, he has not talked to the friend he wanted as BM in 4 years, he has no idea where half his GMs are.   But he talked to his brother and exchanged first day of school pics yesterday. They are making time for one another, even though they are as different as night and day, and I feel better knowing that they will be able to deal with all the decisions they may have to make in my old age and after as caring people rather than adversaries. That means a lot to a mother.
Believe it or not she really is trying to look out for you, not just for today, but for a lifetime.

Really? Because I'm 45, and my closest friends (once since we were 2, once since we were 9, the rest since junior high, high school, law school, and later) are still my closest friends. And when I need them, THEY are the ones who stand by me and support me, and who I'd trust with my life.

I feel sorry for your son that he hasn't had those kind of friendships.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · August 2015

I have a sister who is a about twenty years older than I. She will not be my MOH.

VicTim328 · August 2015

Could you have your sisters escorted down the aisle with the parents/grandparents? It still puts them in the spotlight and recognizes that they are still special people in your life.

You can absolutely ask them to do a reading. If your sisters are married, can you find a soft version of their first dances to be played during the prelude or can you play the real version during the reception? Or ask them to select a song for the family to walk down the aisle or enter the reception. Could you ask them to do a toast?

There are other ways to incorporate them into your day.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · August 2015

Knottie1437418780 said:

Could you have your sisters escorted down the aisle with the parents/grandparents? It still puts them in the spotlight and recognizes that they are still special people in your life.

You can absolutely ask them to do a reading. If your sisters are married, can you find a soft version of their first dances to be played during the prelude or can you play the real version during the reception? Or ask them to select a song for the family to walk down the aisle or enter the reception. Could you ask them to do a toast?

There are other ways to incorporate them into your day.

I think the bolded is silly. IF they are married, they had their wedding already; it is passed. Plus, they can listen to their first dance song any time they like, so hearing it at their sister's wedding wouldn't really mean much, IMO.

Having them walk with grandparents is a good idea, though.

OP, you did say that you are close to your sister (sisters? I am confused on if you have just one or more), so why not write them a meaningful note about how much you appreciate their friendship and give that to them at the RD or wedding morning?

AJC430 · August 2015

rebecasants said:

I didn't invite my sister as my bridesmaid because we are close but not as the ones that I choose as my bridesmaids . But now my mom is putting pressure on me for not inviting them ? Is there any way that I can make them feel special even though they are not my bridesmaids ? Any ideas ? Please

My sister is also my bridesmaid. We're not that close. But I wouldn't want to regret not having her there if we got closer in the future. It might be awkward thought for bachelorette things since she's under 21.

Jen4948 · August 2015

AJC430 said:

rebecasants said:

I didn't invite my sister as my bridesmaid because we are close but not as the ones that I choose as my bridesmaids . But now my mom is putting pressure on me for not inviting them ? Is there any way that I can make them feel special even though they are not my bridesmaids ? Any ideas ? Please

My sister is also my bridesmaid. We're not that close. But I wouldn't want to regret not having her there if we got closer in the future. It might be awkward thought for bachelorette things since she's under 21.

Not having your sister as a bridesmaid doesn't prevent her from being invited to your bachelorette party (which someone else needs to host for you) or to the wedding itself.

My sister HAS to be my bridesmaid ?

Re: My sister HAS to be my bridesmaid ?

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