Destination Wedding Booked...MIL wants to have a RECEPTION for those we pissed off?!

[Deleted User] · August 2015

Our dates are booked, the planning is practically done for us. We put out our own CC for the 15 room block. All that is left is our flights and the courthouse before we leave.

My MIL made a comment to her son, my future hubby, at a family birthday dinner last night while I was at class. I was not present but some thing to the effect of:

"You know people are going to be pissed off if we do not have something for those who cannot make it to Curacao before we go." He then also told me not to be be surprised if there are 50 people at the courthouse for our civil ceremony! What about my NJ family that are unable to go to our destination? Is anyone considering them as well? That is why we chose destination.

Well, you can see my panic of course. Obviously,the courthouse only allows a certain number of people to be present. (THANK GOODNESS) We are a bi-coastal family. I am from NJ, he is from CA. We reside in CA. Destination Wedding means destination wedding, all immediate family members, cousins, aunts/uncles, children from both coasts are booked. Is there a problem?

HELP!!

snowywinter · August 2015

If you're getting married at the courthouse, then you ARE having two weddings. Why are you asking people to spend all this money for a destination wedding when you're getting married at your local courthouse?

Your future mother-in-law is right, but she's defending the wrong people. It won't be the people who can't make it who will be pissed. It's the ones who spent thousands to watch you do something fake, something you did back home for real.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

We are performing the legal administrative portion the day prior to departing to avoid the additional expenses and hassle of marrying out of the country. It was also anticipated that due to a destination wedding it would enhance paying for attending. Who wants to pay thousands to come to a wedding rather than a vacation. East coast family would be paying to come to Cali. West coast family would be paying to visit NY/NJ. No matter how you slice this, one or the other was paying to come because as I said we are a bi-coastal family. Now, a vacation spot in the middle of the Caribbean...everybody was on board when we discussed this option with immediate family, so we were too. In the end the most important people, our families, will be with us. That is all that should matter in my opinion. You can't make everyone happy, but we thought most were and it was not until now that the subject is now coming into play because some friends of the family are "pissed".

I am not opposed to having cake, coffee and champagne after the civil ceremony at the home as a compromise, but to have multiple reception "parties" for those who cannot come seems to defeat the purpose of keeping things simple.

I appreciate your response

snowywinter · August 2015

Don't you think there's much more expense and hassle on the part of ALL your guests as the result of you having your wedding some place no one lives? So why would you spare yourself the expense and hassle to do it RIGHT one time in front of all these people who are sacrificing their paychecks and vacation days to attend? It's incredibly rude.

As for who wants to go to a wedding over a vacation, you're the one who picked the vacation. Most people want to pick their own vacation. When you choose the destination, the least you can do is be honest about why people are going to it.

CMGragain · August 2015

cancerbaby80dk said:

We are performing the legal administrative portion the day prior to departing to avoid the additional expenses and hassle of marrying out of the country. It was also anticipated that due to a destination wedding it would enhance paying for attending. Who wants to pay thousands to come to a wedding rather than a vacation. East coast family would be paying to come to Cali. West coast family would be paying to visit NY/NJ. No matter how you slice this, one or the other was paying to come because as I said we are a bi-coastal family. Now, a vacation spot in the middle of the Caribbean...everybody was on board when we discussed this option with immediate family, so we were too. In the end the most important people, our families, will be with us. That is all that should matter in my opinion. You can't make everyone happy, but we thought most were and it was not until now that the subject is now coming into play because some friends of the family are "pissed".

I am not opposed to having cake, coffee and champagne after the civil ceremony at the home as a compromise, but to have multiple reception "parties" for those who cannot come seems to defeat the purpose of keeping things simple.

I appreciate your response

No. You are getting married at the courthouse. This is what that legal administrative paperwork IS! You need to understand this. If, someday in the future, someone looks up where you were married, it will say "Courthouse town, State. USA" not Curacao. This is a legal record. If someone tries to find a record of your marriage in Curacao, they will find nothing.

I understand why your FMIL is upset. It would be OK for her to throw a party sometime after your marriage, redo ceremony that has no significance to anyone except you, and honeymoon. This party will not be a part of your "wedding". You can get together with the family and show your honeymoon pictures.

I do hope that you have been honest with your Curacao guests, and that they know that you will already be married, and that this Curacao ceremony isn't real or legal. You are just going through the motions. If you haven't made it clear to them and they find out the truth later, some of them are going to be mad as hell.

artbyallie · August 2015

Yes, there is a problem. The problem is that you're not having a wedding in Curacao. People are paying thousands of dollars to watch you play dress-up.

Jen4948 · August 2015

Well, you and your FI and your FMIL are all wrong.

You and your FI are wrong to call your destination event your "wedding" if you are getting married at the courthouse. The courthouse ceremony is your wedding-not any ceremony that comes after it.

That said, you do not "owe" anyone a "reception" who isn't invited to the courthouse ceremony just because they can't make it to Curacao. You do owe a "reception" to anyone who attends the courthouse ceremony, immediately following that ceremony.

lyndausvi · August 2015

Of course 50+ people want to go to the courthouse. That is the real wedding.

Jen4948 said:

Well, you and your FI and your FMIL are all wrong. You and your FI are wrong to call your destination event your "wedding" if you are getting married at the courthouse. The courthouse ceremony is your wedding-not any ceremony that comes after it. That said, you do not "owe" anyone a "reception" who isn't invited to the courthouse ceremony just because they can't make it to Curacao. You do owe a "reception" to anyone who WAS INVITED attends the courthouse ceremony, immediately following that ceremony.

FTFY -

they are not required to provide anything to those who just show up. Only those who have a formal invitation. Formal meaning the couple personally invites them, not second hand information.

photokitty · August 2015

Who wants to pay thousands of dollars to fly across the country to see my family member get married??? ME, that's who!!!

Who wants to spend thousands of dollars going to a fake wedding, on a vacation the couple picked out??? I don't have a fucking clue, bc it sure as shit isn't me!!!

Calling your actual wedding at the courthouse, the legal administrative portion is super insensitive and rude.

I hope you're not lying to your guests, bc if I spent that kind of money only to find out you were already married, it would be a friendship ending move.

CMGragain · August 2015

OK. Here are the requirements for getting married in Curacao. They require some planning ahead of time, but it is not as difficult as Mexico. There is absolutely NO REASON why you can't get legally married in Curacao.

http://www.santabarbararesortcuracao.com/i/downloads/Wedding_Legal_Process.pdf

redoryx · August 2015

"legal administrative portion"

I can't. I just can't you guys. I LITERALLY CANNOT EVEN.

Jells2dot0 · August 2015

As much of a "hassle" and "added expense" it is for you to get married legally in Curacao, it's ten times that for your guests. People seem to forget that it's almost always more expensive to fly internationally and stay at a resort than it is to fly domestically and stay at a local Hampton Inn. And there is the passport thing and currency exchange rates. Seems fair to me (add in sarcasm font)!

justsie · August 2015

cancerbaby80dk said:

Our dates are booked, the planning is practically done for us. We put out our own CC for the 15 room block. All that is left is our flights and the courthouse before we leave.

My MIL made a comment to her son, my future hubby, at a family birthday dinner last night while I was at class. I was not present but some thing to the effect of:
"You know people are going to be pissed off if we do not have something for those who cannot make it to Curacao before we go." He then also told me not to be be surprised if there are 50 people at the courthouse for our civil ceremony! What about my NJ family that are unable to go to our destination? Is anyone considering them as well? That is why we chose destination.

Well, you can see my panic of course. Obviously,the courthouse only allows a certain number of people to be present. (THANK GOODNESS) We are a bi-coastal family. I am from NJ, he is from CA. We reside in CA. Destination Wedding means destination wedding, all immediate family members, cousins, aunts/uncles, children from both coasts are booked. Is there a problem?

HELP!!

JIC

Viczaesar · August 2015

cancerbaby80dk said:

Our dates are booked, the planning is practically done for us. We put out our own CC for the 15 room block. All that is left is our flights and the courthouse before we leave.

My MIL made a comment to her son, my future hubby, at a family birthday dinner last night while I was at class. I was not present but some thing to the effect of:
"You know people are going to be pissed off if we do not have something for those who cannot make it to Curacao before we go." He then also told me not to be be surprised if there are 50 people at the courthouse for our civil ceremony! What about my NJ family that are unable to go to our destination? Is anyone considering them as well? That is why we chose destination.

Well, you can see my panic of course. Obviously,the courthouse only allows a certain number of people to be present. (THANK GOODNESS) We are a bi-coastal family. I am from NJ, he is from CA. We reside in CA. Destination Wedding means destination wedding, all immediate family members, cousins, aunts/uncles, children from both coasts are booked. Is there a problem?

HELP!!

JIC.

redoryx · August 2015

Let's say you get married at the courthouse and then the next day you get on a plane. While on the plane your husband joins the Mile High Club with one of the flight attendants and you decide to leave him. Now, if you were actually getting married in Curacao, this would only mean cancelling the wedding. But, see, that silly annoying "legal administrative paperwork" you got the day before makes you legally married so now you have to go get a silly annoying divorce.

TheCheeseWench · August 2015

cancerbaby80dk said:
We are performing the legal administrative portion the day prior to departing to avoid the additional expenses and hassle of marrying out of the country. It was also anticipated that due to a destination wedding it would enhance paying for attending. Who wants to pay thousands to come to a wedding rather than a vacation. East coast family would be paying to come to Cali. West coast family would be paying to visit NY/NJ. No matter how you slice this, one or the other was paying to come because as I said we are a bi-coastal family. Now, a vacation spot in the middle of the Caribbean...everybody was on board when we discussed this option with immediate family, so we were too. In the end the most important people, our families, will be with us. That is all that should matter in my opinion. You can't make everyone happy, but we thought most were and it was not until now that the subject is now coming into play because *** some friends of the family are "pissed"*** .

I am not opposed to having cake, coffee and champagne after the civil ceremony at the home as a compromise, but to have multiple reception "parties" for those who cannot come seems to defeat the purpose of keeping things simple.

I appreciate your response

All of your friends and family should be pissed that they are going through the unnecessary "expenses and hassle" of flying to Curaçao for a Pretty Princess Day instead of a wedding because you don't want to deal with the "extra expenses and hassle" of doing it right.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

We invited less than 50 people to join us and told them where it was going to be. You're opinion of RIGHT is you opinion. You are obviously burned by your own destination wedding experiences. You also have no idea what our families are like and are the people pleasing bride that will make everyone else happy other than herself or her significant other. Thanks I think I have enough information to make my decision.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

DUH!! I am not twenty something and have no idea how the world or my local government works. All guests are aware that we are going to be married prior to departure and know the trip is a symbolic ceremony. Thank you.

justsie · August 2015

cancerbaby80dk said:

We invited less than 50 people to join us and told them where it was going to be. You're opinion of RIGHT is you opinion. You are obviously burned by your own destination wedding experiences. You also have no idea what our families are like and are the people pleasing bride that will make everyone else happy other than herself or her significant other. Thanks I think I have enough information to make my decision.

cancerbaby80dk said:

DUH!! I am not twenty something and have no idea how the world or my local government works. All guests are aware that we are going to be married prior to departure and know the trip is a symbolic ceremony. Thank you.

If you want people to know who you are talking to hit the "quote" button.

GOSH all you brides out there treating your guests with respect and making them happy. HOW DARE.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

By the way The Knot has been completely useless to me in our wedding plans from this useless discussion with teeny bobbers to a wedding website, to pics and planners and biased information.

CMGragain · August 2015

"Teeny bobbers?" How kind of you. I am 64 years old. How old are you, my dear? Do tell me about your vast experience in wedding planning and your knowledge of etiquette. You sound like you are such an authority I cannot imagine why your future mother-in-law is so upset. My goodness, do you suppose anyone else will be unhappy with your plans?

Silly girl, we are trying to save you from making a complete mess or your wedding plans. If you do it your way, you are going to lose friends, and maybe even family members won't want to have anything more to do with you and your FI.

CMGragain · August 2015

cancerbaby80dk said:

By the way The Knot has been completely useless to me in our wedding plans from this useless discussion with teeny bobbers to a wedding website, to pics and planners and biased information.

JIC ...and it's "teeny boppers", not "bobbers".

photokitty · August 2015

cancerbaby80dk said:
By the way The Knot has been completely useless to me in our wedding plans from this useless discussion with teeny bobbers to a wedding website, to pics and planners and biased information.

Please improve personal quality!

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · August 2015

cancerbaby80dk said:

By the way The Knot has been completely useless to me in our wedding plans from this useless discussion with teeny bobbers to a wedding website, to pics and planners and biased information.

In any situation where you are looking for advice and receive it - you (general) only take in what you want to hear. When I first came on this site, I thought that people were pretty rude and even bitchy, but that's far from it. I'm a long time lurker and have only been posting here and there, but I've learned A TON from these forums. Taking the time to understand the forum environment and how members interact is a huge part of being able to take the advice these ladies FREELY give and seeing things from a different perspective.

artbyallie · August 2015

Great. So you're (claiming to be) old enough to know better and you're still subjecting your guests to a PPD. Cute.

ETA: I really doubt I qualify as a teeny bopper given that I'm turning 28 on Thursday.

snowywinter · August 2015

Just curious, what is JIC?

TheCheeseWench · August 2015

Just in case

People who throw "don't be mean to me" tantrums when they do not receive the validation they are looking for often delete their posts/replys. This is rude since these discussions are meant to help others besides just the original poster. PPs quoted the OP just in case she comes back and tries to delete. That way others who come later can read the whole discussion.

Edited for pre-coffee typos.

Jells2dot0 · August 2015

I had a DW and went through the "hassle and expense" to make it legal. It was really not that difficult and we had the added complication of getting Certified copies of our divorce decrees. We had fun gathering all of our documentation because it was all leading up to our ceremony! Andplusalso, we eloped, so we didn't even have guests. We could have easily went to the courthouse and no one would have ever known. we didn't, though, because we only get one wedding. The wedding was amazing and I do not regret one second of it. So, your theory about having disastrous DW stories is wrong.

I will give you this much- if your guests know it's symbolic, at least you have been honest. A lot of DW brides aren't and it's a shame.

cancerbaby80dk said:
We invited less than 50 people to join us and told them where it was going to be. You're opinion of RIGHT is you opinion. You are obviously burned by your own destination wedding experiences. You also have no idea what our families are like and are the people pleasing bride that will make everyone else happy other than herself or her significant other. Thanks I think I have enough information to make my decision.

redoryx · August 2015

cancerbaby80dk said:

We invited less than 50 people to join us and told them where it was going to be. You're opinion of RIGHT is you opinion. You are obviously burned by your own destination wedding experiences. You also have no idea what our families are like and are the people pleasing bride that will make everyone else happy other than herself or her significant other. Thanks I think I have enough information to make my decision.

YOU ARE NOT HAVING A DESTINATION WEDDING.

PamBeesly524 · August 2015

cancerbaby80dk said:

DUH!! I am not twenty something and have no idea how the world or my local government works. All guests are aware that we are going to be married prior to departure and know the trip is a symbolic ceremony. Thank you.

I didn't realize you had to turn 30 in order to learn how the world/government works. I guess I have 4 more years to go... No one listen to me until then!

Jen4948 · August 2015

cancerbaby80dk said:

By the way The Knot has been completely useless to me in our wedding plans from this useless discussion with teeny bobbers to a wedding website, to pics and planners and biased information.

So why are you still here?

Do you really expect that telling us how "useless" our advice is going to make us change it? Because it's not "useless." The only reason you think it is is because it isn't what you want to hear.

Destination Wedding Booked...MIL wants to have a RECEPTION for those we pissed off?!

Re: Destination Wedding Booked...MIL wants to have a RECEPTION for those we pissed off?!

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