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Etiquette

Kids at Reception

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Re: Kids at Reception

  • LD1970 said:
    Some of us just hate kids at weddings.  I don't like them underfoot when I'm dancing, end of story.


    Same. For every person who thinks the little ones are "a big hit on the dance floor" there's probably another person like me who's sitting down or staying away from that corner of the dance floor because we don't want to dance with them. It's all based on preference.
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Actually, this brings me to a question of my own.  As previously stated, due to the size of our families, the only child invited is our niece because inviting all of our first cousins children would add 30ish people to the list.

    FI has (2) first cousins under 10 who live out of state.  Which circle do they belong in?  Is it rude to not include them and include all other first cousins, or do they count in the kids circle?  I told FI that it was up to him if they were invited, and he said he'd rather not because he doesn't really know them, but etiquette can supercede his opinion. TIA
    Etiquette wise, the only people you have to invite is SO of guests.Every other guest decision is up to you. We recommend inviting in circles, but it's really depends on the dynamics of your family. I have 8 first cousins on my dad's side, and only invited one. I invited all cousins on my mom's side (all but one is under 18). 

    Since your husband doesn't want to invite these little cousins, don't. If he did want to invite them, I would regardless of their age.

    I also don't believe in a children's circle. Just because you invite 1 or 2 or 8 people under the age of 18 doesn't mean you have to invite every child of every guest. 

    If some friend is pissed because their special snowflake was not invited, but my first cousin was, well they wouldn't be my friend for very much longer. 
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    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLostSP29
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Maggie0829photokittyhuskypuppy14

    Thanks for the etiquette advice.  FMIL thinks her feelings will be hurt since she'll be travelling into town for the wedding (her H's family is all here as well) but this is the same aunt who was upset that when we went to DC for vacation and didn't take a day to travel an hour out of town to her suburb for lunch.

    Since there is no clear cut rule on this I'll let FI decide. 
    image
  • One of the highlights of my ceremony was when my cousin's GF's 2 year old yelled out "Yayyyyy!" as I began to walk down to the aisle.  So yeah, I guess different strokes for different folks.


    These are the things I love to see at weddings with children.  Sweet children.  My last DD to be married had nieces and nephews at the wedding and allowed her one friend to bring her child.  Well DD's half sister and the friend who brought her son are so far up on my shit list (15 months later) it isn't funny.  both of those boys ran all over the freaking place being the kids people hate at weddings.  Thankfully DD was in wedding bliss party mode and didn't notice them but the rest of us sure did and I wanted to string them up.  I really should have said something but I was hoping ex-h would deal with his uber unsupervised grandson but he didn't.  I would have started WWIII if I would have said anything.  My DH actually found these 2 boys outside the venue beating on the siding with rocks!  That was the moment I thought it was funny that ex-h signed the venue contract.

    It is sad that many kids don't know how to behave socially. I would love to hear a little one say "yayyyy" when the bride comes down the aisle.

  • kmmssg said:
    One of the highlights of my ceremony was when my cousin's GF's 2 year old yelled out "Yayyyyy!" as I began to walk down to the aisle.  So yeah, I guess different strokes for different folks.


    These are the things I love to see at weddings with children.  Sweet children.  My last DD to be married had nieces and nephews at the wedding and allowed her one friend to bring her child.  Well DD's half sister and the friend who brought her son are so far up on my shit list (15 months later) it isn't funny.  both of those boys ran all over the freaking place being the kids people hate at weddings.  Thankfully DD was in wedding bliss party mode and didn't notice them but the rest of us sure did and I wanted to string them up.  I really should have said something but I was hoping ex-h would deal with his uber unsupervised grandson but he didn't.  I would have started WWIII if I would have said anything.  My DH actually found these 2 boys outside the venue beating on the siding with rocks!  That was the moment I thought it was funny that ex-h signed the venue contract.

    It is sad that many kids don't know how to behave socially. I would love to hear a little one say "yayyyy" when the bride comes down the aisle.

    Yeah thankfully all the kids we had at the wedding were pretty well behaved, especially since the majority of them were in the 2-4 range.  We had one start to throw a tantrum right when the speeches were starting but his dad whisked him outside super fast.  
    Married 9.12.15
    image
  • kmmssg said:
    One of the highlights of my ceremony was when my cousin's GF's 2 year old yelled out "Yayyyyy!" as I began to walk down to the aisle.  So yeah, I guess different strokes for different folks.


    These are the things I love to see at weddings with children.  Sweet children.  My last DD to be married had nieces and nephews at the wedding and allowed her one friend to bring her child.  Well DD's half sister and the friend who brought her son are so far up on my shit list (15 months later) it isn't funny.  both of those boys ran all over the freaking place being the kids people hate at weddings.  Thankfully DD was in wedding bliss party mode and didn't notice them but the rest of us sure did and I wanted to string them up.  I really should have said something but I was hoping ex-h would deal with his uber unsupervised grandson but he didn't.  I would have started WWIII if I would have said anything.  My DH actually found these 2 boys outside the venue beating on the siding with rocks!  That was the moment I thought it was funny that ex-h signed the venue contract.

    It is sad that many kids don't know how to behave socially. I would love to hear a little one say "yayyyy" when the bride comes down the aisle.

    That was the sort of behavior that my friend expected from her H's nieces and nephews and the mom is the type who refuses to believe that they ever do anything wrong.    
  • Actually, this brings me to a question of my own.  As previously stated, due to the size of our families, the only child invited is our niece because inviting all of our first cousins children would add 30ish people to the list.

    FI has (2) first cousins under 10 who live out of state.  Which circle do they belong in?  Is it rude to not include them and include all other first cousins, or do they count in the kids circle?  I told FI that it was up to him if they were invited, and he said he'd rather not because he doesn't really know them, but etiquette can supercede his opinion. TIA
    Etiquette wise, the only people you have to invite is SO of guests.Every other guest decision is up to you. We recommend inviting in circles, but it's really depends on the dynamics of your family. I have 8 first cousins on my dad's side, and only invited one. I invited all cousins on my mom's side (all but one is under 18). 

    Since your husband doesn't want to invite these little cousins, don't. If he did want to invite them, I would regardless of their age.

    I also don't believe in a children's circle. Just because you invite 1 or 2 or 8 people under the age of 18 doesn't mean you have to invite every child of every guest. 

    If some friend is pissed because their special snowflake was not invited, but my first cousin was, well they wouldn't be my friend for very much longer. 
    This.

    It is pretty clear cut- all guests are individuals, with the exception of inviting SOs and not splitting up families. You invite whom you'd like to invite, and don't invite people you don't wan there.

    Circles are recommended (not a requirement of etiquette) to smooth over any family/social issues (the "but you invited little Robbie, so why not my Johnny?"). You don't have to invite EVERY child, just because you invite a few. You don't have invite EVERY cousin, just because you invite a few. 

    So it comes down to if you want to invite these children. Taking into consideration that their parents are invited, and from out of town might sway you toward inviting them. (If you are inviting other children, they *are* family, and you have the space/budget, I probably would, just to make it easier on the parents... but you don't have to). 

    I think following your FI's lead on this is best. 

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    We only had 2 children plus some teenagers present at our wedding. Fortunately they were all well behaved. The 2 children are our niece and nephew, also our FG and RB. The candy bar kept the youngest happy all night ;). There were only 4 children total (minus the teens) invited, so we didn't run into looking at a list of 30 additional guests. 

    Either way, children are a personal choice, and it's not wrong to not invite children, even if they are family, or someone wants to make a fuss. 
    kimmiinthemittenhuskypuppy14
  • LD1970LD1970 member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited September 2015
    Yeah, I like kids in general - mostly - just not on the dance floor.  And we love our nephews and adore most of our friends' kids.  I'm "honorary aunt" to a whole slew of kids.  98% of our house parties are kid-friendly.

    Then... there's this one couple with two sons.  They don't even get invited to our house parties because the two boys are about 8 and completely out of control.  We'd been meeting up after getting our two big puppies for puppy "play dates" at their house & the dog run, but never again.  Their kids have a penchant for kicking at the dogs, throwing rocks toward them, and swinging sticks at them.  And their mothers just do the, "Oh, honey, you really shouldn't do that" crap.  NO.  When one of the boys swung a big branch at one of our dogs at the park, my H finally got (verbally) stern and told the kid to cut it out... the kid actually cried.  He's obviously not used to being disciplined, and it drives us crazy.  So we love our friends, but their kids CANNOT be around our dogs.  Or house.  Or garden.  We can't trust them, can't trust our friends to parent them, and aren't about to do it ourselves.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    SP29
  • LD1970 said:
    Yeah, I like kids in general - mostly - just not on the dance floor.  And we love our nephews and adore most of our friends' kids.  I'm "honorary aunt" to a whole slew of kids.  98% of our house parties are kid-friendly.

    Then... there's this one couple with two sons.  They don't even get invited to our house parties because the two boys are about 8 and completely out of control.  We'd been meeting up after getting our two big puppies for puppy "play dates" at their house & the dog run, but never again.  Their kids have a penchant for kicking at the dogs, throwing rocks toward them, and swinging sticks at them.  And their mothers just do the, "Oh, honey, you really shouldn't do that" crap.  NO.  When one of the boys swung a big branch at one of our dogs at the park, my H finally got (verbally) stern and told the kid to cut it out... the kid actually cried.  He's obviously not used to being disciplined, and it drives us crazy.  So we love our friends, but their kids CANNOT be around our dogs.  Or house.  Or garden.  We can't trust them, can't trust our friends to parent them, and aren't about to do it ourselves.
    What..!!!!?!??!!?

    No. How does an adult allow that behavior from their own children? Seriously, that's far beyond SS level and just plain encouraging sociopathy. 

    I'm so angry at this anonymous family right now, I don't even know how to process it. 
  • LD1970 said:
    Yeah, I like kids in general - mostly - just not on the dance floor.  And we love our nephews and adore most of our friends' kids.  I'm "honorary aunt" to a whole slew of kids.  98% of our house parties are kid-friendly.

    Then... there's this one couple with two sons.  They don't even get invited to our house parties because the two boys are about 8 and completely out of control.  

    BOXES!

    And that, is the way she goes. Just like we tell posters that SOs must be invited together, even if the couple doesn't like the spouse, which means either both or neither come. 

    If you are married to a jerk or have raised unruly children, you'll stop getting invited to things. And that is the hosts discretion.

    I get really annoyed when a child is misbehaving and all the parents do/say is "Oh honey, stop that!".... "I said stop!".... "Stop it!"..... repeated ad nauseum. 

    If someone, child or not, hurt my pets in any way, there'd be a tongue lashing...
    LD1970
  • LD1970LD1970 member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited September 2015
    LD1970 said:
    Yeah, I like kids in general - mostly - just not on the dance floor.  And we love our nephews and adore most of our friends' kids.  I'm "honorary aunt" to a whole slew of kids.  98% of our house parties are kid-friendly.

    Then... there's this one couple with two sons.  They don't even get invited to our house parties because the two boys are about 8 and completely out of control.  We'd been meeting up after getting our two big puppies for puppy "play dates" at their house & the dog run, but never again.  Their kids have a penchant for kicking at the dogs, throwing rocks toward them, and swinging sticks at them.  And their mothers just do the, "Oh, honey, you really shouldn't do that" crap.  NO.  When one of the boys swung a big branch at one of our dogs at the park, my H finally got (verbally) stern and told the kid to cut it out... the kid actually cried.  He's obviously not used to being disciplined, and it drives us crazy.  So we love our friends, but their kids CANNOT be around our dogs.  Or house.  Or garden.  We can't trust them, can't trust our friends to parent them, and aren't about to do it ourselves.
    What..!!!!?!??!!?

    No. How does an adult allow that behavior from their own children? Seriously, that's far beyond SS level and just plain encouraging sociopathy. 

    I'm so angry at this anonymous family right now, I don't even know how to process it. 
    ***

    Yeah... When I was lawyering, we used to call this a "Disneyland Dad" thing, where dad has the kids so little that he refuses to discipline and just wants to be the fun one. At this point, it's more Disneyland Parent. The odd thing is these two each have primary custody of their respective sons and are still aiming to be the fun ones. From what I see on FB posted about their respective exes, it's really a big issue. Like noncustodial mom asked that her son not have crazy hair to attend Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur services, but fun custodial mom is all about the kid expressing himself, so she went with it when he wanted a colorful mowhawk for the start of school. Then she posts on FB how heinous noncustodial mom is for taking the kid for a crewcut he hates to try and make him presentable for synagogue. I knew one of these custodial moms before the respective divorces, and I know at least that one was a HUGE custody battle, so I imagine the goal is to make sure son loves her best so he never wants to go live with disciplinarian mom.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
    kimmiinthemitten
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    LD1970 said:
    LD1970 said:
    Yeah, I like kids in general - mostly - just not on the dance floor.  And we love our nephews and adore most of our friends' kids.  I'm "honorary aunt" to a whole slew of kids.  98% of our house parties are kid-friendly.

    Then... there's this one couple with two sons.  They don't even get invited to our house parties because the two boys are about 8 and completely out of control.  We'd been meeting up after getting our two big puppies for puppy "play dates" at their house & the dog run, but never again.  Their kids have a penchant for kicking at the dogs, throwing rocks toward them, and swinging sticks at them.  And their mothers just do the, "Oh, honey, you really shouldn't do that" crap.  NO.  When one of the boys swung a big branch at one of our dogs at the park, my H finally got (verbally) stern and told the kid to cut it out... the kid actually cried.  He's obviously not used to being disciplined, and it drives us crazy.  So we love our friends, but their kids CANNOT be around our dogs.  Or house.  Or garden.  We can't trust them, can't trust our friends to parent them, and aren't about to do it ourselves.
    What..!!!!?!??!!?

    No. How does an adult allow that behavior from their own children? Seriously, that's far beyond SS level and just plain encouraging sociopathy. 

    I'm so angry at this anonymous family right now, I don't even know how to process it. 
    Yeah... When I was lawyering, we used to call this a "Disneyland Dad" thing, where dad has the kids so little that he refuses to discipline and just wants to be the fun one. At this point, it's more Disneyland Parent. The odd thing is these two each have primary custody of their respective sons and are still aiming to be the fun ones. From what I see on FB posted about their respective exes, it's really a big issue. Like noncustodial mom asked that her son not have crazy hair to attend Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur services, but fun custodial mom is all about the kid expressing himself, so she went with it when he wanted a colorful mowhawk for the start of school. Then she posts on FB how heinous noncustodial mom is for taking the kid for a crewcut he hates to try and make him presentable for synagogue. I knew one of these custodial moms before the respective divorces, and I know at least that one was a HUGE custody battle, so I imagine the goal is to make sure son loves her best so he never wants to go live with disciplinarian mom.
    And the really sad thing is that it turns out that the kids, when grown up, often wish they had lived with the disciplinarian parents or that the parents they lived with had been stricter, because their tighter rules and/or enforcement showed that they cared, whereas the other parents didn't care and/or were just using them to "win the battle" with the disciplinarian parents.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Jen4948 said:
    LD1970 said:
    LD1970 said:
    Yeah, I like kids in general - mostly - just not on the dance floor.  And we love our nephews and adore most of our friends' kids.  I'm "honorary aunt" to a whole slew of kids.  98% of our house parties are kid-friendly.

    Then... there's this one couple with two sons.  They don't even get invited to our house parties because the two boys are about 8 and completely out of control.  We'd been meeting up after getting our two big puppies for puppy "play dates" at their house & the dog run, but never again.  Their kids have a penchant for kicking at the dogs, throwing rocks toward them, and swinging sticks at them.  And their mothers just do the, "Oh, honey, you really shouldn't do that" crap.  NO.  When one of the boys swung a big branch at one of our dogs at the park, my H finally got (verbally) stern and told the kid to cut it out... the kid actually cried.  He's obviously not used to being disciplined, and it drives us crazy.  So we love our friends, but their kids CANNOT be around our dogs.  Or house.  Or garden.  We can't trust them, can't trust our friends to parent them, and aren't about to do it ourselves.
    What..!!!!?!??!!?

    No. How does an adult allow that behavior from their own children? Seriously, that's far beyond SS level and just plain encouraging sociopathy. 

    I'm so angry at this anonymous family right now, I don't even know how to process it. 
    Yeah... When I was lawyering, we used to call this a "Disneyland Dad" thing, where dad has the kids so little that he refuses to discipline and just wants to be the fun one. At this point, it's more Disneyland Parent. The odd thing is these two each have primary custody of their respective sons and are still aiming to be the fun ones. From what I see on FB posted about their respective exes, it's really a big issue. Like noncustodial mom asked that her son not have crazy hair to attend Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur services, but fun custodial mom is all about the kid expressing himself, so she went with it when he wanted a colorful mowhawk for the start of school. Then she posts on FB how heinous noncustodial mom is for taking the kid for a crewcut he hates to try and make him presentable for synagogue. I knew one of these custodial moms before the respective divorces, and I know at least that one was a HUGE custody battle, so I imagine the goal is to make sure son loves her best so he never wants to go live with disciplinarian mom.
    And the really sad thing is that it turns out that the kids, when grown up, often wish they had lived with the disciplinarian parents or that the parents they lived with had been stricter, because their tighter rules and/or enforcement showed that they cared, whereas the other parents didn't care and/or were just using them to "win the battle" with the disciplinarian parents.
    I also tend to think that it keeps the kids from growing up into complete fucks that "we" ten have to deal with their issues when they enter the workforce, date them, etc.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    huskypuppy14
  • Jen4948 said:
    LD1970 said:
    LD1970 said:
    Yeah, I like kids in general - mostly - just not on the dance floor.  And we love our nephews and adore most of our friends' kids.  I'm "honorary aunt" to a whole slew of kids.  98% of our house parties are kid-friendly.

    Then... there's this one couple with two sons.  They don't even get invited to our house parties because the two boys are about 8 and completely out of control.  We'd been meeting up after getting our two big puppies for puppy "play dates" at their house & the dog run, but never again.  Their kids have a penchant for kicking at the dogs, throwing rocks toward them, and swinging sticks at them.  And their mothers just do the, "Oh, honey, you really shouldn't do that" crap.  NO.  When one of the boys swung a big branch at one of our dogs at the park, my H finally got (verbally) stern and told the kid to cut it out... the kid actually cried.  He's obviously not used to being disciplined, and it drives us crazy.  So we love our friends, but their kids CANNOT be around our dogs.  Or house.  Or garden.  We can't trust them, can't trust our friends to parent them, and aren't about to do it ourselves.
    What..!!!!?!??!!?

    No. How does an adult allow that behavior from their own children? Seriously, that's far beyond SS level and just plain encouraging sociopathy. 

    I'm so angry at this anonymous family right now, I don't even know how to process it. 
    Yeah... When I was lawyering, we used to call this a "Disneyland Dad" thing, where dad has the kids so little that he refuses to discipline and just wants to be the fun one. At this point, it's more Disneyland Parent. The odd thing is these two each have primary custody of their respective sons and are still aiming to be the fun ones. From what I see on FB posted about their respective exes, it's really a big issue. Like noncustodial mom asked that her son not have crazy hair to attend Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur services, but fun custodial mom is all about the kid expressing himself, so she went with it when he wanted a colorful mowhawk for the start of school. Then she posts on FB how heinous noncustodial mom is for taking the kid for a crewcut he hates to try and make him presentable for synagogue. I knew one of these custodial moms before the respective divorces, and I know at least that one was a HUGE custody battle, so I imagine the goal is to make sure son loves her best so he never wants to go live with disciplinarian mom.
    And the really sad thing is that it turns out that the kids, when grown up, often wish they had lived with the disciplinarian parents or that the parents they lived with had been stricter, because their tighter rules and/or enforcement showed that they cared, whereas the other parents didn't care and/or were just using them to "win the battle" with the disciplinarian parents.
    I also tend to think that it keeps the kids from growing up into complete fucks that "we" ten have to deal with their issues when they enter the workforce, date them, etc.
    Why do some people not realize that the goal of parenting isn't to have great kids, but to raise kids into great adults?!?
    This. QFT. Seriously. My parents weren't my friends growing up. My mom is now, but it didn't really start until I was an adult. Who really wants to be best friends with a 5 YO?
    kimmiinthemittenSP29
  • I had 40 kids at my wedding. I was fine with it.They're all nice, cute kids. But my photographer thought my cousins little boy was God's gift to photography. There are significantly more pictures of this kid dancing, sitting, riding on a golf cart than there are of my husband. If it was my child then maybe I could understand, and I don't expect the photographer to know I only see this child every other year but jeez.


  • We are having a kids free wedding because it wasn't in our budget for all of the kids on my side of the family and there are only 2 minors on my FI side of the family but they behave horribly. For anyone who says kids aren't that much of a burden, they are when they almost double your guest list. So yea they don't drink and their meals are slightly cheaper but when all of my cousin's have 3-5 kids it adds up. Unfortunately they are all out of town and for that reason we've gotten a lot of declines which is sad but likely they would have declined anyways. As for the misbehaving minors they are older high school level but are still awful. The one girl threatened to drown me when I was swimming because my FI (her cousin) wasn't paying attention to her and her mom does nothing about it. 

    We do have 1 nephew and he will only be 1 month old by our wedding so we told his parents that it's their choice but he's completely welcome and we'd love to see him if they want. Sounds like they don't want to at this point but either way I'm happy we're making that exception. Honestly I don't know how old babies have to be before they go out to events and stuff so maybe they are right and 1 month is too young. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • LD1970LD1970 member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited September 2015
    We are having a kids free wedding because it wasn't in our budget for all of the kids on my side of the family and there are only 2 minors on my FI side of the family but they behave horribly. For anyone who says kids aren't that much of a burden, they are when they almost double your guest list. So yea they don't drink and their meals are slightly cheaper but when all of my cousin's have 3-5 kids it adds up. Unfortunately they are all out of town and for that reason we've gotten a lot of declines which is sad but likely they would have declined anyways. As for the misbehaving minors they are older high school level but are still awful. The one girl threatened to drown me when I was swimming because my FI (her cousin) wasn't paying attention to her and her mom does nothing about it. 

    We do have 1 nephew and he will only be 1 month old by our wedding so we told his parents that it's their choice but he's completely welcome and we'd love to see him if they want. Sounds like they don't want to at this point but either way I'm happy we're making that exception. Honestly I don't know how old babies have to be before they go out to events and stuff so maybe they are right and 1 month is too young. 
    Um... can you say mental health issues that need addressing?!  Seriously, her mother doesn't want to know her kid's looney tunes?
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
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