Wedding Etiquette Forum

Guest (Couple) Does not want to attend Reception, but just Ceremony, for stupid reason.

edited October 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum

Hello all, this is my first time writing on the discussion boards. I'm sorry if this is a little long winded, but this questions needs a bit of a back story. Thank you for reading!

3 years ago, I was asked to be in this friend of mine's wedding as a bridesmaid, since she kicked her sister out. I had only known her for a little under a year at this point. I said yes, and things were okay. She got upset with me for something very stupid, and put her sister back in the wedding and kicked me out. She invited my fiancé, and he still attended their wedding while I did not because she uninvited me. Fast forward to this year, we rekindled and apologized and all of that jazz. She told me that she would be more than happy to help answer any wedding questions that I had because she loves weddings. So I took that as a good sign of friendship. My bridesmaids (4) have never been married, so they do not know much about weddings (which is fine!). I asked her a total of about 3 questions over the course of 3 months, of which she always happily answered and reassured me it's okay. Last week, she texted me saying that she doesn't think it's right that my bridesmaids do not help me, because it is their responsibility, not "a friend from the sidelines," to assist with wedding advice. She said it's because her bridesmaids never helped her and she will forever be bitter about it. I kind of just shrugged it off and apologized for bothering her, since it was okay before. She then said that if I need a replacement bridesmaid, she would be happy to jump in. I feel this was a little...much. I have been friends with all of my BMs for over 5 years (or more) with each of them, there is no way I am ditching anyone. I thanked her for the offer. Now, she's telling me because she "hates" the one guest we are inviting (which is a mutual friend and she liked the week before) her and her husband only plan on coming to the ceremony, and then leaving. Note, they live 3 hours from our venue.

How do I go about asking or telling her that they should just not come, or that I need to know if I need to pay for their dinner? I honestly think it's a bit rude to do it this way, since she's doing it because of some silly feud (on her end) with this friend of ours. How should I handle this situation?


Thank you again for your advice ahead of time!

«1

Re: Guest (Couple) Does not want to attend Reception, but just Ceremony, for stupid reason.

  • Hello all, this is my first time writing on the discussion boards. I'm sorry if this is a little long winded, but this questions needs a bit of a back story. Thank you for reading!

    3 years ago, I was asked to be in this friend of mine's wedding as a bridesmaid, since she kicked her sister out. I had only known her for a little under a year at this point. I said yes, and things were okay. She got upset with me for something very stupid, and put her sister back in the wedding and kicked me out. She invited my fiancé, and he still attended their wedding while I did not because she uninvited me. Fast forward to this year, we rekindled and apologized and all of that jazz. She told me that she would be more than happy to help answer any wedding questions that I had because she loves weddings. So I took that as a good sign of friendship. My bridesmaids (4) have never been married, so they do not know much about weddings (which is fine!). I asked her a total of about 3 questions over the course of 3 months, of which she always happily answered and reassured me it's okay. Last week, she texted me saying that she doesn't think it's right that my bridesmaids do not help me, because it is their responsibility, not "a friend from the sidelines," to assist with wedding advice. She said it's because her bridesmaids never helped her and she will forever be bitter about it. I kind of just shrugged it off and apologized for bothering her, since it was okay before. She then said that if I need a replacement bridesmaid, she would be happy to jump in. I feel this was a little...much. I have been friends with all of my BMs for over 5 years (or more) with each of them, there is no way I am ditching anyone. I thanked her for the offer. Now, she's telling me because she "hates" the one guest we are inviting (which is a mutual friend and she liked the week before) her and her husband only plan on coming to the ceremony, and then leaving. Note, they live 3 hours from our venue.

    How do I go about asking or telling her that they should just not come, or that I need to know if I need to pay for their dinner? I honestly think it's a bit rude to do it this way, since she's doing it because of some silly feud (on her end) with this friend of ours. How should I handle this situation?


    Thank you again for your advice ahead of time!

    She is selfish, petty and straight rude, let the friendship die..

    I agree with PP about letting her missing out on the rest of the reception and leaving, no matter what the reason you can't make anyone stay for your whole reception. say "Can't wait to see you, and sorry you can't stay longer"
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    She sounds insane.  Tell her that "she should do whatever feels best" and then leave it alone.

    PrettyGirlLostonefootinthebayou[Deleted User]
  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 The Witch City member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    Great minds @maggie0829 - we said almost the same thing.

     

    Maggie0829
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Wait for the RSVPs to come back, and then you can clarify (if need be) based on her response.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    mollybarker11
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    I don't understand why you want to be friends with this person.

    I would stop discussing your wedding with her. 

    Should she RSVP for the ceremony only, then that's two less meals your caterer has to provide.  And I think you'll have dodged a bullet.


    CMGragainInLoveInQueens
  • Thank you very much for your opinions everyone! I appreciate it. I will wait for the RSVPs and see how things go from there. As it stands, I don't talk to her often anymore. I will probably keep a very safe distance afterwards. Thank you!
  • For the sake of the groom, honestly. He doesn't care too much for her, but we are both still good friends with the (now) husband.
  • Guests are free to attend just the ceremony if they like and if she doesn't RSVP for the reception, then you don't have to pay for her meal. That said, I'd be more pissed if she wanted to attend the reception and not the ceremony and I'd have to pay for her rude, dramatic self.

    Be thankful she wants to skip the reception and allow the friendship to die if she's that big a drama queen and treats people so poorly.
    kimmiinthemittenhellohkb
  • If I had kicked you out of my wedding after using you to replace my kicked out sister and then putting said sister back in (after giving you the boot), but then you didn't accept my presumptuous self-invite into your wedding party I think I would be too busy to come to either of your events. Of course, I would also be late to see my CRAY CRAY DOCTOR because people who understand big girl behavior don't act like this.

    Be thankful that this person seems to be on her way out of your life. Let her and her husband show up to whatever the Hell part of your wedding that she feels inclined to grace with her presence, and then let her walk the hell out the door. You don't need "friends" like this.
    [Deleted User]
  • My only concern would be that she would decide a few days before that she wants to attend the reception part after all because the feud is over. I'd just make it clear when she RSVPs that you aren't holding a place/meal for her at the reception to confirm she is just coming to the ceremony.
    SP29mollybarker11
  • Spoonsey said:
    Out of curiosity, what were the three questions you asked her, and what were her answers? Considering how she's treated those closest to her during her wedding planning, maybe you want to reconsider her advice, or at least get a second opinion ;)
    OFT: Sounds like her wedding was an etiquette disaster! kicking people out, then bringing them back while kicking someone else out. not inviting SO. Expecting your guests of honor to be wedding workers.

    Was there a cash bar, dollar dance, honeyfund?
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    [Deleted User]hellohkb
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    kvruns said:
    My only concern would be that she would decide a few days before that she wants to attend the reception part after all because the feud is over. I'd just make it clear when she RSVPs that you aren't holding a place/meal for her at the reception to confirm she is just coming to the ceremony.
    That's why themosthappy91 's advice to get her answer in writing is brilliant. 
                       
    PrettyGirlLost
  • We had a guest tell us that they were only planning to stay for cocktail hour after the ceremony at most, since they had just had a baby and this was essentially their first time out without the baby. However, they did RSVP yes to the whole event. 

    Thank goodness we went with the written RSVP and not their verbal decline, since they stayed for dinner and quite a bit of dancing afterwards!

    So definitely go by what they put on the response card, regardless of what they tell you ahead of time. 
    InLoveInQueensmollybarker11
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    I don't understand why you want to stay friends with someone who kicked you out of her wedding while still inviting your fiancé.  It sounds like being her friend is more trouble for you than it's worth.

    @themosthappy91 gave a good response to her telling you that they only want to attend the ceremony.  After your wedding, I'd let the "friendship" with her die.

    InLoveInQueens
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited October 2015
    Count me in the group of "Why the hell would you want to be friends like with someone like this?" 

    If they only come to the ceremony, great! Pray that's the last time you see these people. 

    SP29
  • Another vote for "I'm happy to hear that you'll be coming to the ceremony, we'll miss you at the reception."

     

    SP29
  • lh144301 said:
    I feel your pain. I am serving a vegan dinner at my reception (because I am vegan) and I have had SEVERAL guests (including my soon to be sister-in-law and my best man's gf) tell me they will not go to the reception because they do not want to try vegan food. (How rude is that??) So I simply told them not to bother coming to the ceremony at all if that's how they feel. I mean, if they can't smile and be grateful that they are getting a free meal, they don't need to come! Eating vegetables for one meal of your life won't kill you! People are so rude these days. I am truly sorry your friend is being such a bitch. I would politely tell her that if that is how she feels, that she shouldn't "trouble" herself with that three hour drive just for the ceremony. Who knows, maybe this is her subtle way of actually TRYING to get uninvited?
    Don't get me wrong, it was SUPER rude of your FSIL and BM's GF to say they won't come because of the food... but it was also rude of you to tell them not to come at all in that case. The ceremony is the part that matters and as long as you have some sort of reception to thank you're guests, they are perfectly within their rights to decline said thanks if they are uncomfortable with some aspect of it- they just should not have told you that was their reasoning. 

    I would love other Knotties to weigh in on this- I do feel like, while it's definitely not an etiquette blunder to have a vegan wedding reception, it does kind of go against the core of good hosting- which is to make your guests comfortable. Your reception is thank you to your guests and while I completely respect that you shouldn't have to compromise your vegan values for them, I also feel like the better thing would have been for you to avoid a mealtime reception knowing a lot of people truly don't enjoy eating vegan and therefore would not feel well hosted. Your reception is more than just "a free meal" for these people- it is supposed to be an expression of your thanks for people attending the ceremony. 
    [Deleted User]
  • lh144301 said:
    I feel your pain. I am serving a vegan dinner at my reception (because I am vegan) and I have had SEVERAL guests (including my soon to be sister-in-law and my best man's gf) tell me they will not go to the reception because they do not want to try vegan food. (How rude is that??) So I simply told them not to bother coming to the ceremony at all if that's how they feel. I mean, if they can't smile and be grateful that they are getting a free meal, they don't need to come! Eating vegetables for one meal of your life won't kill you! People are so rude these days. I am truly sorry your friend is being such a bitch. I would politely tell her that if that is how she feels, that she shouldn't "trouble" herself with that three hour drive just for the ceremony. Who knows, maybe this is her subtle way of actually TRYING to get uninvited?
    Don't get me wrong, it was SUPER rude of your FSIL and BM's GF to say they won't come because of the food... but it was also rude of you to tell them not to come at all in that case. The ceremony is the part that matters and as long as you have some sort of reception to thank you're guests, they are perfectly within their rights to decline said thanks if they are uncomfortable with some aspect of it- they just should not have told you that was their reasoning. 

    I would love other Knotties to weigh in on this- I do feel like, while it's definitely not an etiquette blunder to have a vegan wedding reception, it does kind of go against the core of good hosting- which is to make your guests comfortable. Your reception is thank you to your guests and while I completely respect that you shouldn't have to compromise your vegan values for them, I also feel like the better thing would have been for you to avoid a mealtime reception knowing a lot of people truly don't enjoy eating vegan and therefore would not feel well hosted. Your reception is more than just "a free meal" for these people- it is supposed to be an expression of your thanks for people attending the ceremony. 
    >>>>>>BOXES<<<<<< No, it does not go against the core of good hosting. IMHO, if you're vegan for ethical reasons, it's a TERRIBLE idea to start your marriage off by compromising your morals. If your guests can't eat something like roasted portobello mushrooms or pasta and veggies in a tomato sauce without adding meat or dairy to their dinner, that's their problem.
    Yeah, I can see that. It's definitely a weird situation for me to consider, especially because I really empathize with the ethical considerations at play... I definitely wouldn't advocate serving meat in PP's case (not least of all because I understand once you stop eating it for a lot of people it becomes rather repulsive). I guess I just think it would have been a better idea to be realistic about the fact that a lot of people are really not going to enjoy a vegan meal (especially if you don't have a caterer who specializes in them) and avoid a mealtime reception all together. But still, like you said, there certainly is nothing wrong about have a vegan meal, from an etiquette perspective. 



  • lh144301 said:

    I feel your pain. I am serving a vegan dinner at my reception (because I am vegan) and I have had SEVERAL guests (including my soon to be sister-in-law and my best man's gf) tell me they will not go to the reception because they do not want to try vegan food. (How rude is that??) So I simply told them not to bother coming to the ceremony at all if that's how they feel. I mean, if they can't smile and be grateful that they are getting a free meal, they don't need to come! Eating vegetables for one meal of your life won't kill you! People are so rude these days. I am truly sorry your friend is being such a bitch. I would politely tell her that if that is how she feels, that she shouldn't "trouble" herself with that three hour drive just for the ceremony. Who knows, maybe this is her subtle way of actually TRYING to get uninvited?

    Don't get me wrong, it was SUPER rude of your FSIL and BM's GF to say they won't come because of the food... but it was also rude of you to tell them not to come at all in that case. The ceremony is the part that matters and as long as you have some sort of reception to thank you're guests, they are perfectly within their rights to decline said thanks if they are uncomfortable with some aspect of it- they just should not have told you that was their reasoning. 

    I would love other Knotties to weigh in on this- I do feel like, while it's definitely not an etiquette blunder to have a vegan wedding reception, it does kind of go against the core of good hosting- which is to make your guests comfortable. Your reception is thank you to your guests and while I completely respect that you shouldn't have to compromise your vegan values for them, I also feel like the better thing would have been for you to avoid a mealtime reception knowing a lot of people truly don't enjoy eating vegan and therefore would not feel well hosted. Your reception is more than just "a free meal" for these people- it is supposed to be an expression of your thanks for people attending the ceremony. 
    >>>>>>BOXES<<<<<<
    No, it does not go against the core of good hosting. IMHO, if you're vegan for ethical reasons, it's a TERRIBLE idea to start your marriage off by compromising your morals.

    If your guests can't eat something like roasted portobello mushrooms or pasta and veggies in a tomato sauce without adding meat or dairy to their dinner, that's their problem.

    Yeah, I can see that. It's definitely a weird situation for me to consider, especially because I really empathize with the ethical considerations at play... I definitely wouldn't advocate serving meat in PP's case (not least of all because I understand once you stop eating it for a lot of people it becomes rather repulsive). I guess I just think it would have been a better idea to be realistic about the fact that a lot of people are really not going to enjoy a vegan meal (especially if you don't have a caterer who specializes in them) and avoid a mealtime reception all together. But still, like you said, there certainly is nothing wrong about have a vegan meal, from an etiquette perspective. 



    That's just bad advice. There is absolutely nothing wrong with serving a vegan meal. If people are going to be rude crybabies about it that is their problem, not the hosts'. You don't need to skip a meal time reception because of this.
    JediElizabeth
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer




    lh144301 said:

    I feel your pain. I am serving a vegan dinner at my reception (because I am vegan) and I have had SEVERAL guests (including my soon to be sister-in-law and my best man's gf) tell me they will not go to the reception because they do not want to try vegan food. (How rude is that??) So I simply told them not to bother coming to the ceremony at all if that's how they feel. I mean, if they can't smile and be grateful that they are getting a free meal, they don't need to come! Eating vegetables for one meal of your life won't kill you! People are so rude these days. I am truly sorry your friend is being such a bitch. I would politely tell her that if that is how she feels, that she shouldn't "trouble" herself with that three hour drive just for the ceremony. Who knows, maybe this is her subtle way of actually TRYING to get uninvited?

    Don't get me wrong, it was SUPER rude of your FSIL and BM's GF to say they won't come because of the food... but it was also rude of you to tell them not to come at all in that case. The ceremony is the part that matters and as long as you have some sort of reception to thank you're guests, they are perfectly within their rights to decline said thanks if they are uncomfortable with some aspect of it- they just should not have told you that was their reasoning. 

    I would love other Knotties to weigh in on this- I do feel like, while it's definitely not an etiquette blunder to have a vegan wedding reception, it does kind of go against the core of good hosting- which is to make your guests comfortable. Your reception is thank you to your guests and while I completely respect that you shouldn't have to compromise your vegan values for them, I also feel like the better thing would have been for you to avoid a mealtime reception knowing a lot of people truly don't enjoy eating vegan and therefore would not feel well hosted. Your reception is more than just "a free meal" for these people- it is supposed to be an expression of your thanks for people attending the ceremony. 
    >>>>>>BOXES<<<<<<
    No, it does not go against the core of good hosting. IMHO, if you're vegan for ethical reasons, it's a TERRIBLE idea to start your marriage off by compromising your morals.

    If your guests can't eat something like roasted portobello mushrooms or pasta and veggies in a tomato sauce without adding meat or dairy to their dinner, that's their problem.

    Yeah, I can see that. It's definitely a weird situation for me to consider, especially because I really empathize with the ethical considerations at play... I definitely wouldn't advocate serving meat in PP's case (not least of all because I understand once you stop eating it for a lot of people it becomes rather repulsive). I guess I just think it would have been a better idea to be realistic about the fact that a lot of people are really not going to enjoy a vegan meal (especially if you don't have a caterer who specializes in them) and avoid a mealtime reception all together. But still, like you said, there certainly is nothing wrong about have a vegan meal, from an etiquette perspective. 



    That's just bad advice. There is absolutely nothing wrong with serving a vegan meal. If people are going to be rude crybabies about it that is their problem, not the hosts'. You don't need to skip a meal time reception because of this.

    -------boxes-----

    Agree. It's absurd for someone to say they can't eat or don't like a vegan meal. That's like saying you don't like casseroles or soup or some other extremely broad category of food. There's such a variety, I'm sure there's something in the category anyone will like. If not, then that person is just picky and they probably would have a problem with the food at the wedding anyway.

    And I say this as someone who loves meat.

    STARMOON44
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