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gift giving etiquette...for non-gift givers HELP!!!

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Re: gift giving etiquette...for non-gift givers HELP!!!

  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    edited October 2015
    bCatron said:
    My hubby and I got married July of '14 and a few people did not give a gift, or even a card...

    Dilemma 1) we were invited to my husbands 1st cousin's wedding in May, 10 months after ours, gave a gift, because we don't show up empty handed and its now been 5months and we STILL haven't received a thank you card or a phone call...do I mention my gift?? did I mention the couple did NOT give a gift/card...no lie I almost didn't get them one because I was a little upset.

    Dilemma 2) now were invited to my brother in laws wedding, less then 2 years after ours, who also showed up empty handed, and my hubby doesnt want to fork over the money for another gift, for another couple, who ate and drank (open bar) at our wedding, and if we get one brother a gift then the next brother that gets married will most likely want something of equal value, right?? 

    I would also like to mention that NO...we didn't do a bridal shower, or a bachelorette/bachelor party (I kicked my maid of honor out of my wedding last minute because she SUKT, but another time)...and I am old school so I sent out ALL thank you cards and at least 2 wedding pictures to all of our gift/money bringing guest within a month...also NO brother in law was not a groomsmen, my hubby has 10 total siblings so we decided small wedding party because everything came straight from our pockets...and did I mention that I'm a bridesmaid for the brother in laws wedding haha 

    does one bring a wedding gift, if we ourselves didn't receive even a card?? for brother in law and any other future weddings we get invited too...HELP!!!

    First bolded ("dilemma one"): Yes, it was rude of them to go this long without sending a thank you card, but at this point, I'd just let it go. You aren't owed a gift or card.

    Second bolded ("dilemma two"): The reception meal and beverage are the thank you/hosting provided by the hosts (you) for the guests who witnessed the wedding. A gift is just that, it is not payment for the reception meal and beverage.

    If the brother is monitoring what another brother is getting and expects the same, then he is rude and entitled. Family fairness comes into play of course, so you have to take that into consideration.

    Third bolded: One brings a wedding gift, if and only if, one chooses to (out of joy for the couple and desire to give them something they would like and can use), and one can afford it. Nothing else matters- not whether they gave you a gift or card, nor how much their gift cost, nor whether they sent you a thank you note, nor how much the meal cost at their reception. It is proper to send the gift beforehand, not bring it to the wedding.

    P.S.- You mentioned it, so I will too, it was rude and just plain AWFUL to kick your maid of honor out of your wedding. There are maybe one or two truly valid reasons for this.

    *Edited for spelling.

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  • LizzieyounceLizzieyounce member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2015
    Well it was rude of the recipient to not send a card, but as to the rest of your rant, gifts are not mandatory.  Would it have been nice of them to give one?  Yes, but they aren't mandatory.  You need to get over it.  It's not tit-for-tat.

    Pre-wedding parties aren't mandatory either, and I'm not even going to touch the tackiness of you kicking your MOH out of the party at the last minute (or at anytime at all) for what ever the hell SKUT means.  Unless she tried to screw your husband or physically assaulted you or anyone, then there really is no reason to kick a member of the party out.

    Honestly, you sound rather petty.
    DSCN0078 [URL=http://s1247.photobucket.com/user/LizzieYounce123/media/Dip.jpg.html][IMG]http://i1247.photobucket.com/albums/gg634/LizzieYounce123/Dip.jpg[/IMG][/URL]
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  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Wedding gifts should never be expected. Your fixating on the specific lack of gifts is the wrong attitude. No one had to give you gifts, ergo you should not be upset by the fact that some people didn't give you any. You need an attitude change, NOW. You'll be much happier for it.

    Some people don't bring gifts to weddings on principle. Some people can't afford it after travel/lodging expenses or because of various life events (sudden bills, job loss, etc). Some people mean to send something and just innocently forget. The wedding isn't about the gifts anyway, so let it go.


    As far as the first couple that never sent a thank you note... yeah. That's rude that they didn't send a note. But some people don't. Seems like these days we get thank you notes for maybe 70% of the gifts we give and with the other 30% I just roll my eyes and move on. Unless you have actual cause to think they might not have received your gift and you want to verify that they did, do not bring it up.

    As far as your BiL... firstly, I'm confused why the wedding being less than 2 years after yours is relevant information?
    If you normally give wedding gifts, give a gift here. Pay for it what you can afford and want to spend. Do NOT base the decision off of whether you got a gift from them because that sounds about as petty as it gets.
    You also don't have to give identical gift values to other people later on. If you give one person a $70 gift and another person a $120 gift, they'll probably never know and not care much (and frankly if they're comparing notes about what gifts they got from whom, that's gross and their own problem, not yours).


    Gift giving is not tit-for-tat. People have different financial situations and different customs. The rule for weddings is give the gift you can afford.
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2015
    With your attitude, I wouldn't give you a gift either. And it clearly wasn't your MOH who sucked.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    Yeah, the first couple should have sent you a thank-you note or card and it was rude of them not to, but it would also be rude of you to call them out on it.

    With the second situation, stop playing tit-for-tat with who in the family gives what. It does nothing but create unnecessary drama and hurt feelings.

    And going forward, stop expecting people to give you gifts and monitoring who gives what to whom. Gifts are supposed to be gestures of affection that are entirely optional on the part of givers and their lack are not supposed to be barriers to participation. You're never entitled to expect gifts from anyone for any occasion-even your wedding.
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  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I.Just.Can't.

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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This is so obviously mud.


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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited October 2015
    You may call the first friend to ask if she received the wedding gift you gave her. 

    Gifts are, by their own nature, freely given and not required. You'll be a lot happier, in life, if you don't keep score on that sort of thing. As your bil's guest, you aren't obligated to give him a gift. But I would suggest that you give him and his wife a gift that's within your budget at the time of their wedding and/or a card. That doesn't obligate you to give gifts of equal monetary value to each sibling. When they get married you give whatever kind of gift you can afford at that time.

    You're not the first person to imply that guests took advantage of the B&G by partaking of food and booze at their wedding. That nonsense needs to stop. You, as the host, are the one who bear the obligation to provide for your guests in a way that makes everyone comfortable and is budget wise for you. If you can't provide full open bar, don't. But don't go crazy with your wedding and expect that guests will compensate you with gifts.

                       
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2015

    bCatron said:
    My hubby and I got married July of '14 and a few people did not give a gift, or even a card...

    Dilemma 1) we were invited to my husbands 1st cousin's wedding in May, 10 months after ours, gave a gift, because we don't show up empty handed and its now been 5months and we STILL haven't received a thank you card or a phone call...do I mention my gift?? did I mention the couple did NOT give a gift/card...no lie I almost didn't get them one because I was a little upset.

    Dilemma 2) now were invited to my brother in laws wedding, less then 2 years after ours, who also showed up empty handed, and my hubby doesnt want to fork over the money for another gift, for another couple, who ate and drank (open bar) at our wedding, and if we get one brother a gift then the next brother that gets married will most likely want something of equal value, right?? 

    I would also like to mention that NO...we didn't do a bridal shower, or a bachelorette/bachelor party (I kicked my maid of honor out of my wedding last minute because she SUKT, but another time)...and I am old school so I sent out ALL thank you cards and at least 2 wedding pictures to all of our gift/money bringing guest within a month...also NO brother in law was not a groomsmen, my hubby has 10 total siblings so we decided small wedding party because everything came straight from our pockets...and did I mention that I'm a bridesmaid for the brother in laws wedding haha 

    does one bring a wedding gift, if we ourselves didn't receive even a card?? for brother in law and any other future weddings we get invited too...HELP!!!


    Well, don't you and your H sound like a peaches?



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  • bCatron.defunct635801501030652888bCatron.defunct635801501030652888 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    love how you ALL assume that because I kicked MOH out of my wedding I'm the bad guy...the straw that broke the camels back 
    ...ONE month before the wedding she still hadn't found anything to wear...she had multiple color choices to choose from (pink, baby blue, white, black, silver) she didn't like any of them, told her she could do a skirt/shirt combo, so maybe that fav. skirt she barely wears she can sport...nope, she is MOH and needs a dress not a skirt. maybe that lil black dress she had in her closet, that we all have, she could wear...nope because people don't wear black to weddings...i know that would frustrate any bride
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  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    bCatron said:
    love how you ALL assume that because I kicked MOH out of my wedding I'm the bad guy...the straw that broke the camels back 
    ...ONE month before the wedding she still hadn't found anything to wear...she had multiple color choices to choose from (pink, baby blue, white, black, silver) she didn't like any of them, told her she could do a skirt/shirt combo, so maybe that fav. skirt she barely wears she can sport...nope, she is MOH and needs a dress not a skirt. maybe that lil black dress she had in her closet, that we all have, she could wear...nope because people don't wear black to weddings...i know that would frustrate any bride
    Seriously? That's it? That's what you kicked her out of your wedding for? I have to admit, when I first read "skut" I looked it up, and I was kinda hoping for a story. 

    SMH. If you're going to indulge in MUD, please at least make it entertaining. 
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  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    AddieCake said:

    She sukt? Is that like sucked but in teenager speak?

    Sounds like what SUKT in that situation was the OP's attitude. What a fucking peach.
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  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    bCatron said:
    love how you ALL assume that because I kicked MOH out of my wedding I'm the bad guy...the straw that broke the camels back 
    ...ONE month before the wedding she still hadn't found anything to wear...she had multiple color choices to choose from (pink, baby blue, white, black, silver) she didn't like any of them, told her she could do a skirt/shirt combo, so maybe that fav. skirt she barely wears she can sport...nope, she is MOH and needs a dress not a skirt. maybe that lil black dress she had in her closet, that we all have, she could wear...nope because people don't wear black to weddings...i know that would frustrate any bride

    Says who? 

    We think you're the bad guy here because YOU'RE THE BAD GUY HERE.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited October 2015
    bCatron said:
    love how you ALL assume that because I kicked MOH out of my wedding I'm the bad guy...the straw that broke the camels back 
    ...ONE month before the wedding she still hadn't found anything to wear...she had multiple color choices to choose from (pink, baby blue, white, black, silver) she didn't like any of them, told her she could do a skirt/shirt combo, so maybe that fav. skirt she barely wears she can sport...nope, she is MOH and needs a dress not a skirt. maybe that lil black dress she had in her closet, that we all have, she could wear...nope because people don't wear black to weddings...i know that would frustrate any bride
    We assumed you were in the wrong because you gave a sketchy reason for kicking her out - 'because she SUKT'. It would be just as easy to say 'I kicked my moh out of the wedding because she never ordered her dress.' You also said that she's the reason you didn't have any showers, bps, so color me suspicious.

    Now here are the rules - The only bm and moh duties are 1. Get the dress 2. Show up on time and sober for the wedding. So if the moh didn't order her dress - she removed herself from the wedding - there's no need for you to kick her out.

    I have to add - the MOH is your best friend in the world, right? I'd think you'd want her there, even if she turned up in a burlap sack.
                       
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  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2015
    bCatron said:

    love how you ALL assume that because I kicked MOH out of my wedding I'm the bad guy...the straw that broke the camels back 

    ...ONE month before the wedding she still hadn't found anything to wear...she had multiple color choices to choose from (pink, baby blue, white, black, silver) she didn't like any of them, told her she could do a skirt/shirt combo, so maybe that fav. skirt she barely wears she can sport...nope, she is MOH and needs a dress not a skirt. maybe that lil black dress she had in her closet, that we all have, she could wear...nope because people don't wear black to weddings...i know that would frustrate any bride
    bCatron said:

    love how you ALL assume that because I kicked MOH out of my wedding I'm the bad guy...the straw that broke the camels back 

    ...ONE month before the wedding she still hadn't found anything to wear...she had multiple color choices to choose from (pink, baby blue, white, black, silver) she didn't like any of them, told her she could do a skirt/shirt combo, so maybe that fav. skirt she barely wears she can sport...nope, she is MOH and needs a dress not a skirt. maybe that lil black dress she had in her closet, that we all have, she could wear...nope because people don't wear black to weddings...i know that would frustrate any bride
    Oh the humanity. The last wedding I was in I bought my dress the week before the wedding. What an awful, horrible person I am. No, wait, my friend didn't give a shit because I mattered more to her than a stupid dress.

    ETA Oops, that quoted twice, weird.

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  • ScottishSarahScottishSarah member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments First Answer
    My sister received a honeymoon to Bali as her wedding gift from my Dad. Now it's my wedding coming up and he told me he isn't able to do the same. So am I upset? NO. Because gifts don't = love. If I get a metal chicken from him we won't care because he's our family and we love him.

    Some people also don't think gifts are expected from close people who may be supporting the couples weddings in other ways. For example, many brides complain about a lack of expense gifts from their bridal parties. But perhaps their bridal parties think that standing up for their loved ones is a gift in its self?
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  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2015

    ScottishSarah said: My sister received a honeymoon to Bali as her wedding gift from my Dad. Now it's my wedding coming up and he told me he isn't able to do the same. So am I upset? NO. Because gifts don't = love. If I get a metal chicken from him we won't care because he's our family and we love him. Some people also don't think gifts are expected from close people who may be supporting the couples weddings in other ways. For example, many brides complain about a lack of expense gifts from their bridal parties. But perhaps their bridal parties think that standing up for their loved ones is a gift in its self?


    Exactly.  Maybe the person took off work to go to your wedding.  Or had to pay for travel fees.  Or hotel fees.  Or had to hire a babysitter.  Or they had to push off their own plans to take time out of their day.  It should be true that your guests'     presence is present enough.  Gifts, cards, money are just nice tokens on top of the support they've given you by showing up and being a part of your life.

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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I love how the "best answer" is the Troll in the Dungeon gif. Doesn't the OP choose the best answer?
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    1) You can do a "courtesy call" to make sure they got it...  Not everyone is TY note savvy (typically give them up to a year), acknowledging the gift is the TY (I have family who have LD/functionally illiterate so a TY in any form is incredibly difficult for them to pen, and even still, our family is generally a non-TY note family for most things because of the cost, so we never take it personally)...  We have had brides both here on TK and IRL who only discovered after the fact that someone had stolen cards/gifts only because a guest inquired.  Be aware though that you're walking on thin ice by doing so, and only want to confirm that they did receive it, nothing more, nothing less in a non-confrontational/judgmental way.  I know from our wedding that DH decided one day he was going to "help" in the process of writing TY's for our 400+ guests' gifts, about a year or two later I found a stack I'd written but hadn't put in an envelope to send because he'd marked some as being sent that weren't, and knew I'd re-written a bunch and sent them earlier and yea, I'm hoping that all of them had gotten their TY's! 

    2) Wedding gifts are not tit for tat.  It's not mandatory that someone give you a wedding gift, or even a card. You don't know what's going on in their lives (heard a story of a cousin who was going through identity theft and had their cards/accounts all frozen and couldn't give the couple a gift and had to get essentially a "loan" from family to cover the hotel room).  Attending a wedding is by itself very expensive.  Life factors change, it's a lot different to give a gift when you're in your 20's and can barely afford renting an apartment vs. working a great job at 40 with the house paid off.  With 10 siblings, you could decide "Everyone gets a Fry Daddy"/set of bathroom towels/wine basket/toaster/etc. as their gift, no one better no one worse." But that's up to you two to decide in that moment.  It's a GIFT, not entitlement, you don't need to spend a certain value.  Be the kind of gift giver you'd want someone to return the favor on without ever expecting anything in return, and know your recipient (i.e. don't give a wine basket to a teetotaler or recovering addict).  It's one thing to ask "What is decorum on a gift for someone who is barely making ends meet/2nd wedding/rich & retired well above your pay grade/church relationship/office invite/client/etc.  But it's not o.k. to make it a tit for tat when it comes to gifts..

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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    bCatron said:

    love how you ALL assume that because I kicked MOH out of my wedding I'm the bad guy...the straw that broke the camels back 

    ...ONE month before the wedding she still hadn't found anything to wear...she had multiple color choices to choose from (pink, baby blue, white, black, silver) she didn't like any of them, told her she could do a skirt/shirt combo, so maybe that fav. skirt she barely wears she can sport...nope, she is MOH and needs a dress not a skirt. maybe that lil black dress she had in her closet, that we all have, she could wear...nope because people don't wear black to weddings...i know that would frustrate any bride
    Not helping your case.
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