Child-free wedding means my sister is refusing to attend as her children won't be invited ...

Re: Child-free wedding means my sister is refusing to attend as her children won't be invited ...

• missa011 member

  

  October 2015

  You are well within your right to not have a children at your wedding, but you have to understand that may mean people, including your sister, may not be able to attend. You are also having a Tuesday night wedding which may make it difficult for everyone to attend, finding a babysitter may be more difficult mid-week. 

  
  

  Also, children do not have to be all or nothing. You can include your nieces/nephews without including other children. 
  

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  October 2015

  missa011 said:

  You are well within your right to not have a children at your wedding, but you have to understand that may mean people, including your sister, may not be able to attend. You are also having a Tuesday night wedding which may make it difficult for everyone to attend, finding a babysitter may be more difficult mid-week. 

  
  

  Also, children do not have to be all or nothing. You can include your nieces/nephews without including other children. 
  

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  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• Viczaesar member

  

  October 2015 edited October 2015

  Deleted User said:

  Planning a wedding for next October and my Fiance and I have decided not to include children. I made this known to my sister immediately after we got engaged and her first response was "well then we won't be able to come". Our wedding is not kid friendly and we have lots of friends with kids that are taking the news well. How can I respect my vision and maintain my relationship with my sister and have her attend? The wedding is on a Tuesday night (our 8 year anniversary) and dinner wouldn't be served until after the children are in bed. Please help with ideas.

  If you want her to attend your wedding I suggest you let her bring her kids.  You can't "have her attend" otherwise, so you need to decide which is more important to you.
  

  
  
  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  October 2015

  It is actually her children that are not able to handle attending a wedding ceremony/reception. I think we will have to stick our ground and be okay with her not attending if she feels that is what she needs to do. Thanks for the suggestions!

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  October 2015 edited October 2015

  
  

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• banana468 member

  

  October 2015 edited October 2015

  It is actually her children that are not able to handle attending a wedding ceremony/reception. I think we will have to stick our ground and be okay with her not attending if she feels that is what she needs to do. Thanks for the suggestions!

  You need to figure out what's going to be more important to you: having the wedding that's convenient for your guests or one that meets your vision.

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• aurianna member

  

  October 2015

  So not what you came here for, but a Tuesday night wedding is going to be pretty inconvenient for your guests, especially those that don't live in town. Any guest coming from out of town may need to take two days of vacation.
  And your saying the wedding won't be "kid friendly" makes me think there will be alcohol and a later night. People that have to work the next day might not be partaking in the alcohol and might be leaving early, especially if they also have kids and babysitters that can't work late.
  
  I know people can be sentimental about dates, but no matter what day you get married, that date will become special.
  To me, a number on a calendar isn't as important as having as many loved ones at my wedding as possible, with their enjoying themselves as much as possible.
  
  
  You can't make your sister come, and moving the wedding to a Friday or Saturday night might not change her mind, but it potentially could.
  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  October 2015

  Regardless of me being able to get  babysitting for a Tuesday night, I would be leaving right after dinner is over.  A Tuesday wedding is very inconvenient for most people.  I think you are overestimating the type of ceremony/reception you will be having on a Tuesday night.  I don't think you will get many people who will stay until the end.  You will probably have many people leaving right after dinner, so they can get to bed at a decent time before work the next morning.

  
  

  You should really consider changing your date for the sake of your guests and not for some silly date.

  

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• levioosa member

  

  October 2015 edited October 2015

  Deleted User said:

  Planning a wedding for next October and my Fiance and I have decided not to include children. I made this known to my sister immediately after we got engaged and her first response was "well then we won't be able to come". Our wedding is not kid friendly and we have lots of friends with kids that are taking the news well. How can I respect my vision and maintain my relationship with my sister and have her attend? The wedding is on a Tuesday night (our 8 year anniversary) and dinner wouldn't be served until after the children are in bed. Please help with ideas.

   PPs have it covered.  I'd also like to ask: you aren't calling your friends and family and telling them their children won't be invited, are you?  That is very rude. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  October 2015

  They probably will have a hard time finding a sitter for a Tuesday night. Especially if dinner isn't even served until after kids are in bed (8pm?). I mean, I think it's a little premature for her to not even ask around and just say she can't go this early, but whatever.
  
  From someone who had a kid free wedding, I don't think it's just that it's kid free. It's that it's kid free AND on a Tuesday AND late. Objectively, that's a crappy gig for guests. Bit if it's your wedding vision, you just need to accept that you'll probably have a high decline rate. OR compromise on your vision in hopes of higher attendance.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  October 2015

  While it doesn't violate etiquette to have a child-free wedding on a weeknight, it's inconsiderate to VIP guests who can't take time off from work or locate babysitters for their children-especially when they're really close people like your sister.
  
  Which is not to say that you can't do this-just that you need to expect that people like your sister are more likely to decline and graciously accept that.
  

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• cotton8744 member

  

  October 2015 edited October 2015

  If my brother was having a wedding that my daughter was not invited to on a weeknight I would decline as well. I was the MOH a year ago in a wedding and my best friend told me it was a no kids wedding. It was an awful time finding a babysitter (wedding was out of state, my husband ended up sending our daughter to his sister several states away), and I will no longer attend weddings if I cannot bring my kid. It's 100% okay if people choose to have kid free weddings! I just wont be able to make them, but will send a present and my best wishes their way.

  You have every right to have your wedding the way you want it to be, but you must accept that not everyone can accommodate that vision and some may decline because of it.

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• MobKaz member

  

  October 2015

  southernbelle0915 said:

  They probably will have a hard time finding a sitter for a Tuesday night. Especially if dinner isn't even served until after kids are in bed (8pm?). I mean, I think it's a little premature for her to not even ask around and just say she can't go this early, but whatever. From someone who had a kid free wedding, I don't think it's just that it's kid free. It's that it's kid free AND on a Tuesday AND late. Objectively, that's a crappy gig for guests. Bit if it's your wedding vision, you just need to accept that you'll probably have a high decline rate. OR compromise on your vision in hopes of higher attendance.

  My brother married on a weeknight. It was hell on earth trying to find a sitter. By the time we found one that was willing/allowed to sit on a school night, we had to PROMISE to be home by 9 PM. It also cost us a small fortune! For anyone else, we would have declined the invitation. After working all day and rushing home, we attended in an exhausted state. We were hardly in the mood for a lot of merriment. Going to work the following morning was a tough sell. The ONLY good factor was that he married on a Thursday night. The only thing we needed to do was get through Friday. Doing this on a Tuesday night and trying to play "catch up" the remainder of the week..........not a chance!

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• STARMOON44 member

  

  October 2015

  If my sister decided to get married on a Tuesday and not invite my kids, I'd conclude she didn't care whether I came or not.

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• jenajjthr member

  

  October 2015

  Let's see....School night wedding, late dinner, no kids. Only way I would go is IF it was in town and I could find a cheap babysitter. Then I would go to the ceremony, show my face at the reception, but I would be home by my kids bedtime. If it was anybody else or out of town, I'd send my regrets and a card. 

  
  

  Your vision and "anniversary date" should be trumped by the comfort of your guests. They do not need to attend a Tuesday night wedding just because it is some rando date that you and your beloved started dating 8 years ago. Guess what, whatever date you get married on will become even more special. So pick one that takes your guests into account. If it needs to be "off schedule" for monetary reasons, then choose Friday or Sunday.

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• LondonLisa member

  

  October 2015

  If I was invited to a wedding held on a Tuesday with a late dinner I would decline. Let alone the reasoning for this being a dating anniversary. I don't have any children so it's not even a babysitter issue. I just find it horribly inconvenient, short sighted, frankly a bit selfish.

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• jacques27 member

  

  October 2015

  LondonLisa said:

  If I was invited to a wedding held on a Tuesday with a late dinner I would decline. Let alone the reasoning for this being a dating anniversary. I don't have any children so it's not even a babysitter issue. I just find it horribly inconvenient, short sighted, frankly a bit selfish.

  Ditto.  I don't have kids and I would decline.  I have to be to work at 6:30 the next morning.  There is no way I'm eating dinner and partying late on a Tuesday night.  At most, I would maybe attend but certainly wouldn't drink and cut out before dessert or take some cake to go.

  Hell, this wedding not only doesn't sound "kid friendly" (whatever that means), it doesn't even sound grown-up friendly.  At least not grown-ups who have responsibilities (jobs, kids, etc.).  I suppose if the entire guest list is comprised of 18 year olds in the summer after graduation and retirees, then it is.
  

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• SP29 member

  

  October 2015

  It is within your right to not invite children, but it is also within your sisters right to decline attending, for whatever reason.

  
  

  If you know the reason is her children, I would consider inviting them. You can invite some children, but not all (i.e. children of your siblings but not friends). 

  
  

  I know you say the wedding is not kid friendly, but let parents decide what is or is not appropriate for children themselves. 

  
  

  
  

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  October 2015

  I would actually attend a Tuesday wedding.  But that is is only because DH and I have flexible schedules.   DH is often off on Tuesday nights anyway.  I make my own hours.  Most of our friends are in the same industry and it wouldn't be too much of an issue.  We already do nice late night dinners on school nights.  We do not have kids, so that helps too.

  
  

   While it would be find for us and our friends it would be a huge inconvenience for our families.   Let alone ones with kids.

  
  

  
  

  You have a right to pick any day or time for your wedding. However, you do not have the right to get upset when your plans do not work for your guests.      Just simply say "sorry to hear you can't make it.  You will be missed" and then move on.

  
  

  Actions have consequences.   Good and bad.  The good action of having a Tuesday wedding means you can get married on your anniversary.  The bad action is others might not be able to attend.  Only you can decide which worth it or not.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• mileybangerz member

  

  October 2015

  Out of curiosity, how old are her kids? If they are at an age where they know what a wedding is and that it involves their aunt, you'll likely be in an awkward position if they ever ask you why they weren't invited.

  
  

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• themosthappy91 member

  

  October 2015

  I'm surprised at the number of people who have said they'd have way more trouble finding a sitter on a weeknight- when I was in high school I was routinely babysitting until 11 or 12 at night on weeknights. My parents just figured I was going to be up that late at home anyway so why not let me be making money, as long as whoever I was sitting for could drive me home after because they were sure to be dead asleep at that time. Guess I should have been charging way more!

  
  

  PP's have it covered- though there's nothing technically wrong with your plan, your guests are probably going to feel annoyed at the fact you're having your wedding late at night on a weeknight. 
  

  
  

  
  

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• jacques27 member

  

  October 2015

  themosthappy91 said:

  I'm surprised at the number of people who have said they'd have way more trouble finding a sitter on a weeknight- when I was in high school I was routinely babysitting until 11 or 12 at night on weeknights. My parents just figured I was going to be up that late at home anyway so why not let me be making money, as long as whoever I was sitting for could drive me home after because they were sure to be dead asleep at that time. Guess I should have been charging way more!

  
  

  PP's have it covered- though there's nothing technically wrong with your plan, your guests are probably going to feel annoyed at the fact you're having your wedding late at night on a weeknight. 
  

  
  

  
  

  I have a few family members in high school.  They routinely don't get home until 5:30-6:00 on a weeknight due to sports, marching band, play practice etc.  They come home, eat dinner, and then routinely have 3-4 hours of homework to do every night.  Unless the kids are so young they are expected to sleep the entire time, not many parents I know would be cool with just having a babysitter who literally sits and ignores their kids the whole time because they have homework.  Add in most parents want CPR certified and high school students not taking on babysitting gigs like they used to, it's just harder to find good babysitters.  And expensive - average for only one child is $12.50-14.50/hr.  I really don't blame parents for being reluctant.  It's really not just as easy as "Well, just get a babysitter."
  

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• ILoveBeachMusic member

  

  October 2015

  themosthappy91 said:

  I'm surprised at the number of people who have said they'd have way more trouble finding a sitter on a weeknight- when I was in high school I was routinely babysitting until 11 or 12 at night on weeknights. My parents just figured I was going to be up that late at home anyway so why not let me be making money, as long as whoever I was sitting for could drive me home after because they were sure to be dead asleep at that time. Guess I should have been charging way more!

  
  

  PP's have it covered- though there's nothing technically wrong with your plan, your guests are probably going to feel annoyed at the fact you're having your wedding late at night on a weeknight. 
  

  
  

  When my children were small, it was difficult to find babysitters on weeknights because of after school activities and homework. A lot of parents didn't want their kids babysitting late. I'm sure it is even worse now!

  
  

  
  

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  October 2015

  jacques27 said:

  themosthappy91 said:

  I'm surprised at the number of people who have said they'd have way more trouble finding a sitter on a weeknight- when I was in high school I was routinely babysitting until 11 or 12 at night on weeknights. My parents just figured I was going to be up that late at home anyway so why not let me be making money, as long as whoever I was sitting for could drive me home after because they were sure to be dead asleep at that time. Guess I should have been charging way more!

  
  

  PP's have it covered- though there's nothing technically wrong with your plan, your guests are probably going to feel annoyed at the fact you're having your wedding late at night on a weeknight. 
  

  
  

  
  

  I have a few family members in high school.  They routinely don't get home until 5:30-6:00 on a weeknight due to sports, marching band, play practice etc.  They come home, eat dinner, and then routinely have 3-4 hours of homework to do every night.  Unless the kids are so young they are expected to sleep the entire time, not many parents I know would be cool with just having a babysitter who literally sits and ignores their kids the whole time because they have homework.  Add in most parents want CPR certified and high school students not taking on babysitting gigs like they used to, it's just harder to find good babysitters.  And expensive - average for only one child is $12.50-14.50/hr.  I really don't blame parents for being reluctant.  It's really not just as easy as "Well, just get a babysitter."
  

  yeah, this is to a one size fits all answer.      I never had a bed time, but I always put myself to bed by 10 pm because if I didn't I was one grumpy bitch the next day in school. I would decline babysitting jobs during the week if it required me to be out much past 10pm.

  
  

  
  

  Some kids are better students than others.   One kid can find away to get all their homework done, others can't.  The kids that need babysitting can make a difference.  Do they go to bed early or not?   Is it exam time?  Even if I could get home before 10pm if it was exam time I doubt I would have taken a babysitting job, especially if the kids were not going to bed until 8 or later anyway.

  
  

  There are just so many variables going on that can make it hard to find a babysitter.   I was in high demand in my neighborhood because there were so few babysitters around, even still I declined jobs on school nights depending on what was going on at school.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  October 2015

  Thanks for all the comments. My sister's kids are 5, 7, and 8 and are in bed by 7pm. Dinner would be served at 7pm with everything wrapped up by 9pm (what I consider a reasonable hour for a weeknight) because there will be no dancing, just dinner. Most of our friends work in jobs that are flexible and both sets of parents completely approve of a weeknight event. Would start at 6pm with a short wedding ceremony and dinner following at a location just down the street from the ceremony. Most of the people that would be coming are routinely out with clients even later than 9pm or they work shift work in which case they could be off the next day (like a weekend). Appreciate all the different view points and opinions.

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• ILoveBeachMusic member

  

  October 2015 edited October 2015

  Deleted User said:

  Thanks for all the comments. My sister's kids are 5, 7, and 8 and are in bed by 7pm. Dinner would be served at 7pm with everything wrapped up by 9pm (what I consider a reasonable hour for a weeknight) because there will be no dancing, just dinner. Most of our friends work in jobs that are flexible and both sets of parents completely approve of a weeknight event. Would start at 6pm with a short wedding ceremony and dinner following at a location just down the street from the ceremony. Most of the people that would be coming are routinely out with clients even later than 9pm or they work shift work in which case they could be off the next day (like a weekend). Appreciate all the different view points and opinions.

  
  

  Then I guess you just need to accept that your sister won't be there. You could of course make an exception for her children - maybe she would let them stay up later than 7:00 for their Aunt's wedding. My daughter made an exception for a bridal party member's child. The children you invite to your wedding (as with any guest) is up to you and your FI.

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• mileybangerz member

  

  October 2015

  I'm still curious what exactly about your wedding is not "kid friendly".

  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  October 2015

  The restaurant that we are having the reception at serves upscale Italian food that most kids (my nieces and nephew especially) would not appreciate. We want to stay very authentic and not ask the restaurant to make chicken fingers etc. The fact that it is just a short civil ceremony and then dinner with no dancing makes me think that most kids would find it very boring and then not having food to their liking would be the icing on the cake. Bored children can end up cranky.

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  October 2015

  mileybangerz said:

  I'm still curious what exactly about your wedding is not "kid friendly".

  I'm guessing there will be go-go dancers?  Maybe an orgy?     

  
  

  I never really understood that line of thinking.   I only invited my nieces and nephews (age 6-13), but never claimed my wedding wasn't kid friendly.  I simply did not want an additional 40+ guests under the age of 18.  And that is how many I would have had to invite if I included kids other than my nieces and nephews.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• jacques27 member

  

  October 2015 edited October 2015

  Deleted User said:

  Thanks for all the comments. My sister's kids are 5, 7, and 8 and are in bed by 7pm. Dinner would be served at 7pm with everything wrapped up by 9pm (what I consider a reasonable hour for a weeknight) because there will be no dancing, just dinner. Most of our friends work in jobs that are flexible and both sets of parents completely approve of a weeknight event. Would start at 6pm with a short wedding ceremony and dinner following at a location just down the street from the ceremony. Most of the people that would be coming are routinely out with clients even later than 9pm or they work shift work in which case they could be off the next day (like a weekend). Appreciate all the different view points and opinions.

  Really, out of curiosity then, what makes this "not kid friendly" that a parent could not either decide to cut out before dessert to get the kids home or give a special dispensation to extend bedtime for one night.  Do they have profound mental illness or intellectual disabilities where being around people is difficult for them?  My family was taking me out to nice restaurants from the age of 3 and I ordered for myself, usually off the adult menu because that's the kind of food I liked.  I've been attending plays and symphonies since the age of 5.  Children, especially children age 4 and up are capable of sitting and eating dinner.  Can the restaurant not make buttered noodles or something with simple tomato sauce if they are that picky?  Is having every single person eating an "authentic" Italian meal worth telling three children old enough to understand they are being excluded from their aunt's wedding because they don't like pasta puttanesca and not having your sister there?
  
  I mean, you can do what you want.  You don't have to have children there.  But you can't make your sister be completely cool with it - you just have to own your decision and understand not everyone will like it, agree, or even understand.  And you have to decide if the benefit is worth the consequence or whether you can just simply trust your sister to be a good parent and remove the children if they start to act up, carry a granola bar in her purse if there is truly nothing to eat, and bring a coloring book and some crayons if for some reason three school age children are truly truly incapable of behaving and staying engaged for three hours (which I find hard to believe is the case).
  

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