Couple baby shower ettiquette

Jstump2 · October 2015

Maybe I'm just overthinking this, help me out. I'm starting to put together my guest list for my baby shower that my mom will be hosting for me. I've decided I want to have a couple shower as I want H to be involved and most of our friends are couple friends. My mom was a little confused by this because she's used to female only showers of her generation. If I'm having a couple shower do I invite all guests with their S/O or is it okay to invite in circles. i.e. all our couple friends but just my aunts and female co-works as singles. Or is that rude? I'm guessing a lot of the older generation guys won't come anyway so should I just invite everyone as a couple and leave it up to them?

banana468 · October 2015

Jstump2 said:

Maybe I'm just overthinking this, help me out. I'm starting to put together my guest list for my baby shower that my mom will be hosting for me. I've decided I want to have a couple shower as I want H to be involved and most of our friends are couple friends. My mom was a little confused by this because she's used to female only showers of her generation. If I'm having a couple shower do I invite all guests with their S/O or is it okay to invite in circles. i.e. all our couple friends but just my aunts and female co-works as singles. Or is that rude? I'm guessing a lot of the older generation guys won't come anyway so should I just invite everyone as a couple and leave it up to them?

I think you want to run this by your mom again. Is she going with the flow with what you want? What's the guest size that she's OK with? FWIW, I've never been to a couples baby shower even though DH and I have a lot of friends that are married or together.

So before you push that agenda to your mom, see what she OK with. The couples aspect doubles the guest list and that can be uncomfortable for the host so make sure that's something that she's OK doing.

And then, I'd keep it to couples throughout. Invite all guests who are with a SO to attend with their SO and then it's up to them. I wouldn't be OK if I was 50 to hear that my DH was excluded because he's not 35.

lnixon8 · October 2015

Err on the side of not hurting feelings. Your uncles and grandparents can decide for themselves if they want to come, or they might use it as a good time to catch up and socialize like women do.

Jstump2 · October 2015

banana468 Sorry I didn't make my post clear. She is completely okay with whatever I want to do, She just wasn't sure on the ettiquette either since she has no experience with it. I will cut the guest list to keep it under the amount she is comfortable hosting. I don't have a ton of female friends, my bridal shower was female only and only about 15 people.

Last year me and H went to a couple's baby shower and it was the most fun I've ever has at one, no cheesy games, just good food and fun times catching up with people - I really want something similar.
lnixon8 Thanks that's what I was thinking but I was second guessing myself

ryanandjoe4 · October 2015

In our area this is popular, many have the diapers for beer parties, where the guest bring diapers and that is 'payment for beer" usually every one gets beer, I mean who is going to guard the beer...

I would invite all as couples like any party, and don't call it a shower, that implies that it is a woman only thing, make sure that it is something men would want to come to..

EDT: Stumbled upon this, I agree with the fact that it becomes more fun when couples are involved, I am awkward in girl only parties. http://www.babycenter.com/0_coed-baby-showers_8243.bc

[Deleted User] · October 2015

I just had one and I invited ALL couples regardless of the relationship since it was a couples shower. It did not go over well in my circle. It's just not really seen around here a whole lot. More so bridal showers then baby. Buts that's your choice. I would say though to invite all since you made the decision to have it be a couples shower.

emmaaa · October 2015

If you want to invite couples, just be consistent. Your Aunt Sally may not even tell Uncle Joe about it.

lnixon8 · October 2015

RachelLee83 said:

I just had one and I invited ALL couples regardless of the relationship since it was a couples shower. It did not go over well in my circle. It's just not really seen around here a whole lot. More so bridal showers then baby. Buts that's your choice. I would say though to invite all since you made the decision to have it be a couples shower.

What about it didn't go over well?

Jstump2 · October 2015

lnixon8 said:

RachelLee83 said:

I just had one and I invited ALL couples regardless of the relationship since it was a couples shower. It did not go over well in my circle. It's just not really seen around here a whole lot. More so bridal showers then baby. Buts that's your choice. I would say though to invite all since you made the decision to have it be a couples shower.

What about it didn't go over well?

I was wondering that as well. Didn't have a lot of male attendance or people weren't happy about it?

Personally, I hope the co-ed thing catches on. While I am the one carrying the child me and my Husband are both becoming parents. He is very involved in the process and excited to become a dad.

photokitty · October 2015

Jstump2 said:

lnixon8 said:

RachelLee83 said:

I just had one and I invited ALL couples regardless of the relationship since it was a couples shower. It did not go over well in my circle. It's just not really seen around here a whole lot. More so bridal showers then baby. Buts that's your choice. I would say though to invite all since you made the decision to have it be a couples shower.

What about it didn't go over well?

I was wondering that as well. Didn't have a lot of male attendance or people weren't happy about it?

Personally, I hope the co-ed thing catches on. While I am the one carrying the child me and my Husband are both becoming parents. He is very involved in the process and excited to become a dad.

****eta box***

I don't think a shower has to be coed for the father to attend or even the grandfathers.

I'm guessing it probably didn't go over well bc a lot of the guys didn't want to attend. Showers aren't my favorite activity either. Coed ones are more awkward to me, and most of my friends are male.

Jstump2 · October 2015

@ photokitty I agree but why should just my friends be able to attend. His friends are genuinely excited for him/us and would like to come. I agree baby showers aren't my favorite either but we plan on making this one more like a normal party with no cutsey games/frilly decor.

JediElizabeth · October 2015

ryanandjoe4 said:
In our area this is popular, many have the diapers for beer parties, where the guest bring diapers and that is 'payment for beer" usually every one gets beer, I mean who is going to guard the beer...

I would invite all as couples like any party, and don't call it a shower, that implies that it is a woman only thing, make sure that it is something men would want to come to..

EDT: Stumbled upon this, I agree with the fact that it becomes more fun when couples are involved, I am awkward in girl only parties. http://www.babycenter.com/0_coed-baby-showers_8243.bc

I disagree with this. It IS a shower, and should be called one, especially if you're registering and expect to receive/open presents.

I think most men will not run away screaming from the word "shower," and I think we do men a disservice by thinking that they will. I have nothing against gendered showers, but I think it's silly to think we have to trick men into wanting to celebrate a new baby (or anything else family centered). Many of them are happy to celebrate without the bait & switch.

julieanne912 · October 2015

I just went to a co-ed shower 2 weekends ago and it was a nice time. It was a little bit boring, but that was more because of the hosting than the company (ie no music playing, no activities at all except sitting and chatting). We drank, had food (they did traditional backyard BBQ food, cooked by a relative), and then after 2 hours they opened presents.

Another one we went to was co-ed for the first part of it (drinks/food), then during the games and presents, the guys went to the bar, then they came back and we just all hung out for like 6 hours (the shower was at the parents to bes house, hosted by family members).

I think I'd want a co-ed one as well. We have a great mix of friends both male and female, and I'm sure people like my stepdad would love it.

[Deleted User] · October 2015

Hi I see a couple of people asked why it didn't go over well. Well the best I can say is it's really not common in my circles. Like I said you see it more for Bridal showers but not for baby.

The invites were very clear as far as we were having a BBQ, enjoy some beer and come to the couples baby shower. You could tell the guys there were very uncomfortable. We didn't do any of the traditional game type things or stuff like that. Just one and it was about 5mins. To be fair the couples didn't really know each other either so it's not like it was a all friend get together. Plus there was a comment made from a male in the family who was invited about being invited to a baby shower....

Forgot this part also not many of the men who were invited came.

So eh yea didn't go over that well. But the people I had it for were happy and that's all the matters.

CMGragain · October 2015

I always thought that a baby shower was for the coming baby, not so much for the parents. Am I wrong? I never heard of a couples baby shower.

pinkcow13 · October 2015

CMGragain said:

I always thought that a baby shower was for the coming baby, not so much for the parents. Am I wrong? I never heard of a couples baby shower.

Yea, OP means in terms of the guest list. A baby shower in which couples are invited.

I've been to both. I personally prefer baby showers in which couples are invited, rather than just female. I hate baby showers, and when it's a female only baby shower, there tend to be a lot of cheesy games. My friend and his gf has a baby last year, and they had a co-ed shower which was a lot of fun. No games, drinks, and food. As long as your mom is okay with it, I think a couples shower would be a great idea. Invite everyone as a couple, and leave it up to them to decide.

monkeysip · October 2015

CMGragain said:

I always thought that a baby shower was for the coming baby, not so much for the parents. Am I wrong? I never heard of a couples baby shower.

I've always heard the shower is for the parents. To give them things they need for their baby. And that's why people frown upon multiple showers. It's not because each baby isn't special/important, it's because showers are for the parents, and you don't need to give parents multiple showers.

holyguacamole79 · October 2015

Several years ago, the wife of one of my high school friends was pregnant. They lived in his hometown (she was from Kansas and had moved to Houston with him shortly after the wedding). The mother-to-be didn't know too many people in the area (except for those of us she met through her husband). So, my friend's sister hosted a co-ed shower for her brother & his wife. It was a lot of fun and very laid back.

APDSS22 · October 2015

I have only attended couples' baby showers (full disclosure: I've only been to 2). Personally, I like them. But they seem to be more one large friend group rather than friends and family.

The first was a huggies and chuggies and my husband was good friends with the dad-to-be. It was basically a terrific house party with a diaper cake and baby themed cookies. I didn't even know the mom-to-be but it was pretty cool. Lots of beer drinking.

The second was a little more low-key. Backyard BBQ, plenty of food and we just chatted until presents were opened, laughed at a couple cases of double gifting and had cake. There were a couple older guests at this one and they all split directly after gifts.

ryanandjoe4 · October 2015

JediElizabeth said:

In our area this is popular, many have the diapers for beer parties, where the guest bring diapers and that is 'payment for beer" usually every one gets beer, I mean who is going to guard the beer...

I would invite all as couples like any party, and don't call it a shower, that implies that it is a woman only thing, make sure that it is something men would want to come to..

EDT: Stumbled upon this, I agree with the fact that it becomes more fun when couples are involved, I am awkward in girl only parties. http://www.babycenter.com/0_coed-baby-showers_8243.bc
I disagree with this. It IS a shower, and should be called one, especially if you're registering and expect to receive/open presents.
I think most men will not run away screaming from the word "shower," and I think we do men a disservice by thinking that they will. I have nothing against gendered showers, but I think it's silly to think we have to trick men into wanting to celebrate a new baby (or anything else family centered). Many of them are happy to celebrate without the bait & switch.

I am not suggesting a bait and switch, it should be full disclosure that it is a celebration of the baby, but why do you HAVE to call it a shower, I know that most men I know think of a Shower as a girly event with games and girl things, I am not saying it is correct I am saying what a lot of the other PP have said it isn't a typical/traditional "shower" that has the girly decor/games.. I am saying call it a "beer for Diapers" party, "burgers beer and baby talk", "Baby is Brewing", (this one IMO is awkward but) "BaBy-Q", "bun in the oven, burgers on the grill". You do not HAVE to call it a shower, people still get the idea, and bring a gift if they want to.

JediElizabeth · October 2015

ryanandjoe4 said:

JediElizabeth said:

ryanandjoe4 said:
In our area this is popular, many have the diapers for beer parties, where the guest bring diapers and that is 'payment for beer" usually every one gets beer, I mean who is going to guard the beer...

I would invite all as couples like any party, and don't call it a shower, that implies that it is a woman only thing, make sure that it is something men would want to come to..

EDT: Stumbled upon this, I agree with the fact that it becomes more fun when couples are involved, I am awkward in girl only parties. http://www.babycenter.com/0_coed-baby-showers_8243.bc
I disagree with this. It IS a shower, and should be called one, especially if you're registering and expect to receive/open presents.

I think most men will not run away screaming from the word "shower," and I think we do men a disservice by thinking that they will. I have nothing against gendered showers, but I think it's silly to think we have to trick men into wanting to celebrate a new baby (or anything else family centered). Many of them are happy to celebrate without the bait & switch.

I am not suggesting a bait and switch, it should be full disclosure that it is a celebration of the baby, but why do you HAVE to call it a shower, I know that most men I know think of a Shower as a girly event with games and girl things, I am not saying it is correct I am saying what a lot of the other PP have said it isn't a typical/traditional "shower" that has the girly decor/games.. I am saying call it a "beer for Diapers" party, "burgers beer and baby talk", "Baby is Brewing", (this one IMO is awkward but) "BaBy-Q", "bun in the oven, burgers on the grill". You do not HAVE to call it a shower, people still get the idea, and bring a gift if they want to.

I assume it's a "know your circles" type thing, but I don't know any men who need a party to be completely changed to encompass super-masculine themes in order to come. They're generally comfortable even if it isn't all about beer, BBQ, sports, or whatever else you're adding in to get their attention. The catering to hyper-masculinity actually goes against the point of a co-ed/nongendered shower, IMHO.

ryanandjoe4 · October 2015

JediElizabeth said:

JediElizabeth said:

In our area this is popular, many have the diapers for beer parties, where the guest bring diapers and that is 'payment for beer" usually every one gets beer, I mean who is going to guard the beer...

I would invite all as couples like any party, and don't call it a shower, that implies that it is a woman only thing, make sure that it is something men would want to come to..

EDT: Stumbled upon this, I agree with the fact that it becomes more fun when couples are involved, I am awkward in girl only parties. http://www.babycenter.com/0_coed-baby-showers_8243.bc
I disagree with this. It IS a shower, and should be called one, especially if you're registering and expect to receive/open presents.
I think most men will not run away screaming from the word "shower," and I think we do men a disservice by thinking that they will. I have nothing against gendered showers, but I think it's silly to think we have to trick men into wanting to celebrate a new baby (or anything else family centered). Many of them are happy to celebrate without the bait & switch.

I am not suggesting a bait and switch, it should be full disclosure that it is a celebration of the baby, but why do you HAVE to call it a shower, I know that most men I know think of a Shower as a girly event with games and girl things, I am not saying it is correct I am saying what a lot of the other PP have said it isn't a typical/traditional "shower" that has the girly decor/games.. I am saying call it a "beer for Diapers" party, "burgers beer and baby talk", "Baby is Brewing", (this one IMO is awkward but) "BaBy-Q", "bun in the oven, burgers on the grill". You do not HAVE to call it a shower, people still get the idea, and bring a gift if they want to.
I assume it's a "know your circles" type thing, but I don't know any men who need a party to be completely changed to encompass super-masculine themes in order to come. They're generally comfortable even if it isn't all about beer, BBQ, sports, or whatever else you're adding in to get their attention. The catering to hyper-masculinity actually goes against the point of a co-ed/nongendered shower, IMHO.

I don't see how this is catering to their masculinity? I was pointing out that there are plenty of other things to call it than a baby shower, again what says it has to be called a "shower". Also how is it completely changing the idea, it is a party thrown to celebrate a baby coming?

If H and I had a baby shower I think it would be a party like this, H is still salty that the "wedding shower" thrown for me and he was "left out". I know some guys that would have fun at these parties, I am a woman that hates these things but goes and feels awkward, I would rather a laid back party that both people involved married or baby are celebrating.

labro · October 2015

My turn for input!

I hosted a couple's baby shower for my sister and her H and I think it went very well. Maybe the difference here is it was very friend-focused without any family invited. I did call it a shower on the invitations but I made an effort to make them more party-like and less "OMG CUTE WIDDLE BABY" like. KWIM? These are the ones I ordered from Minted:

I really pushed the beer and bbq thing because I didn't want anyone to assume it was a more traditional "guess the baby food in the jar" and other silly games type of shower. We ended up having about 50/50 men and women come and everyone had a lot of fun. The only shower game we played was an optional ridiculous "Who can drink beer the fastest from a baby bottle?" type of race with a 6 pack of beer for a prize. I really just made the focus on socializing, food and drinking and less about playing games and opening presents (which we did, but it wasn't the whole point). We had it in our backyard on a Saturday night and served brats and a bunch of other food. I think it went well because we had two circles of friends (BIL's friends and their SO's and my sister's friends and their SO's) who were familiar with each other from their wedding a couple of years ago, so there wasn't a ton of awkwardness.

Just treat it like you would any other party - host good food and drinks, and keep your guests first in your mind and it'll be fine.

MGP · October 2015

My circle does women only showers (bridal and baby) and that's the way I personally prefer it. However what I wanted to comment on is the term "couples shower". To me that means a party for couples, not for both men and women. I know I felt very unwelcome when I got a couples bridal shower invite in my single days and felt extremely awkward when I was one of the only unattached people there, and my divorced (and overthinking) mother felt very disheartened when invited to another one and would not even attend.

Why not just call it what it is - a shower?

SP29 · October 2015

@CMGragain It was explained to me here, on TK, that a baby shower is to welcome the new parents to parenthood, not for the baby, which is why you only have a shower for the first baby.

I think a baby shower for both sexes is awesome. I also don't think one needs to shy away from the word "shower". But similarly to a wedding invitation, the invite sets the tone for the event. So perhaps stay away from PINK and cutesy baby animals all over the invite.

I recently went to a co-ed "shower". It was pretty low key, as it was the couple's second child, but a friend wanted to throw a brunch. My friend hosted it at her house, invited the usual gang (friends only). We ate, chatted, watched mom open a couple gifts, held the baby... not a whole lot different than what we usually do at a house party

.

But I think if someone wanted to be a bit more traditional or formal, that would be fine too. Know your crowd, but I don't think most men are afraid of baby showers.

I have also been to a large co-ed wedding shower and it was probably one of my favourite showers. Great food. Chatted. There were even games! They were more "active" games (but we still did the toilet paper wedding dress game), the guys were really competitive about it all and participated the most.

I have also seen where mom has a more traditional women only shower, and dad has a diaper party. Dad provides the keg, each guest brings a case of diapers. Party on.

OP- if you are going to open it to both sexes, I would make that universal, to include all your guest list.

mollybarker11 · October 2015

ryanandjoe4 said:
I was pointing out that there are plenty of other things to call it than a baby shower, again what says it has to be called a "shower". Also how is it completely changing the idea, it is a party thrown to celebrate a baby coming?

A shower is a party where you "shower" the guest of honour with gifts, so taking the word shower out changes the idea that it's a gift-giving event. It might cause confusion if people think you're throwing a party just to drink beer and talk about the baby.

I think the fact that they're a celebration of babies is what's typically seen as feminine. Trying to pass it off as a celebration of a more masculine thing like Beer is weird. By all means, serve beer & burgers and toss a football around if that's what your guests would enjoy, but if the point of the party is to give baby gifts then call it what it is.

jacques27 · October 2015

Ok. I stopped reading after awhile, so forgive me if this is covered.

Why must it be a "couples" shower? Why can't it just be a shower, where you invite your friends, some of whom are men and some of whom are women, and some of whom just happen to be pair-bonded with each other? Then you don't have to worry about whether or not to invite all couples - you just simply invite people you want there and are close to, regardless of the makeup of their genitalia.

Also, women can like beer and hanging out. Men can like cupcakes and being supportive of their friends. Both are able to co-exist at an event. And both men and women are capable of attending events that don't cater to the sexist stereotypes of their genders and manage to live through the couple of hours and tell the tale at the end. How is this even a discussion?

Plan shit you would enjoy. Invite people you like. Celebrate. Not that hard.

lc07 · October 2015

Agree with PPs don't call it a "couples" shower even if it's co-ed. Please invite everyone with their SO if some are invited with their SOs. I would be very upset to attend a shower where some guests were clearly invited with their SO but I was not. That is extremely rude and it would hurt my relationship with you.

Jstump2 · October 2015

Thanks everyone. I just called it a couples shower in the subject line because my specific question had to do with couples, but I don't plan on putting it on the invite. I plan on just having a more gender-neutral looking invite and inviting both people on the invite.

I guess I just got confused because a "typical" baby shower it's okay to invite just women without their husbands and I know that's how all my aunts expect a shower to go. I will invite my uncles too but don't foresee many coming. I've mentioned to a couple close friends that we want to do a co-ed shower and they are all game. At my bridal shower I invited all females except for one guy friend who was a brides-man.

My mom is the only one who has offered to throw a shower so I don't really have the option of doing a friends shower and a family shower separately. I will invite both single men and women and both parts of any couple.

Ideally I wanted to have a backyard BBQ shower but I live in a cold state and I am due in April so I will have to have an indoor shower. My mom was thinking of having a hot chocolate bar and doing "Baby It's Cold Outside" invites in black and white.

If anyone watches Gilmore Girls. Lane and Zach's shower is my ideal shower. Laid-back, people we love of both sexes there, music playing, people talking, having fun.

MandyMost · October 2015

I think the big issue with having a co-ed shower is that men have no interest in sitting around and watching someone open a bunch of baby stuff. In fact, many women don't either, but they put up with it because of cultural norms. No one want to play the stupid games, but again women put up with it because of cultural norms.

So if you want a co-ed shower, you have to do something about these two issues (watching all the baby stuff get opened, and the stupid games).

Some suggestions--have it in more of a "backyard barbeque" set-up, and don't have it set up so everyone is expected to sit around and watch the presents be opened. Only people who want to sit and watch will do so...the others can continue mingling. Obviously no games, and no traditional baby shower decorations.

I went to one co-ed shower that was a "book shower". They had a traditional shower with their relatives, but then had a second co-ed "book shower" for their friends. Instead of a regular gift, everyone brought a baby/kids book. Even the men had lots of fun seeing all the books and remembering their favorites as a kid. There was music, drinks, and otherwise just a regular party.

photokitty · October 2015

MandyMost said:
I think the big issue with having a co-ed shower is that men have no interest in sitting around and watching someone open a bunch of baby stuff. In fact, many women don't either, but they put up with it because of cultural norms. No one want to play the stupid games, but again women put up with it because of cultural norms.

So if you want a co-ed shower, you have to do something about these two issues (watching all the baby stuff get opened, and the stupid games).

Some suggestions--have it in more of a "backyard barbeque" set-up, and don't have it set up so everyone is expected to sit around and watch the presents be opened. Only people who want to sit and watch will do so...the others can continue mingling. Obviously no games, and no traditional baby shower decorations.

I totally agree with this. I hate that while I don't enjoy sitting around watching the gifts being opened, I'd be ticked if she didn't open them at the shower...talk about a catch 22.

I'm not saying you shouldn't have one or that his friends aren't genuinely excited about your baby, but if my good friend asks me if I want to go to a shower or their kid's birthday party, I act all excited and tell them yes! bc I'd rather sit through it, than hurt their feelings. Sometimes people fib about how excited they are to be held captive for 3 hours at a shower, sorry.

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