Wedding Etiquette Forum

Is a "Wedding Crasher Invite" appropriate for acquaintances and friends with whom we are not close?

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Re: Is a "Wedding Crasher Invite" appropriate for acquaintances and friends with whom we are not close?

  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    edited October 2015
    The way I see it is, this is rude no matter how you look at it. You should just have the band play another time and invite people to come hang out then. A wedding is not the time to invite people you could only give 2 shits about.

    [Deleted User]AddieCake
  • emmaaa said:
    The way I see, this is rude no matter how you look at it. You should just have the band play another time and invite people to come hang out then. A wedding is not the time to invite people you could only give 2 shits about.
    This.  I don't understand the need to invite everyone you know to the wedding, at whatever cost (in this case, tiering them).  If they are loose acquaintances and not people you would truly want to witness your wedding, why do you feel such a need to invite them to the last part of the reception and risk offending them?  I promise, these people are not going to be let down by not being invited to your wedding.  As another PP said, the whole world is not waiting on pins and needles to be invited to your wedding.  Everyone knows people need to stop their guest list somewhere.  I would actually feel really awkward being invited to the wedding of an acquaintance... weddings to me are more personal than that.  I would see it as a gift grab or as the couple just wanting to fill up the party because OMG PARTY.  Even worse if I get there and realize I was a second-string guest.  

    Re: the gift grab statement, you mentioned that you wouldn't expect gifts from your B-list, but that doesn't really matter.  People will feel obligated to bring them whether you expect them or not.  


    MGPparticuliersylpheSP29InLoveInQueens
  • I do appreciate the feedback - honestly - and I'm not at all surprised by the responses. I do understand this is an etiquette board - and that's what people want to push - good etiquette. That is admirable. I know everyone here has good intentions and want to protect people form themselves and bad decision making.


    I would just like to hear about the flip side of the coin. Perhaps I need to find a board called : "They Said don't it...but"

    The band we hired, is amazing and they only cost slightly less than the catering if you can believe it. And because my Fiance is a singer/songwriter - that is the real show piece of the wedding - so of course we want as many people to see the band as possible. It's basically a private concert at the end of the wedding...do that is the true nature of my dilemma - it seems so wrong to not invite people to see the band.

    All that being said, your opinions have be heard and I will certainly take it all under advisement.
    You want Wedding Bee if you are looking for bad idea validation. It sounds like a better corner of the Internet for you.
    [Deleted User]InLoveInQueens
  • I haven't read responses but I'm sure other PPs have it covered on why this is a bad idea. If you want a personal story.....

    H has a friend from college who we see when we go to activities at this other mutual friend's house but we don't really plan activities with him ourselves (and likewise he doesn't invite us to things either). Uninvited friend is A, mutual friend is B. Mutual friend B was invited to the wedding, and I guess convos about the upcoming wedding took place between A and B. A assumed he was invited and I think B assumed A was also (or who knows, just my guess). Anyway at one point we're hanging with B and he's like yea I was talking to A about the wedding and he was confused as to when it is so you might want to straighten him out. I just kind of looked at my H like umm he's not invited. We talked about it later and I'm like you need to straighten it out, which of course is awkward telling someone they're not invited but at the same time afraid they might show up and we don't have a place for them if we don't say anything.

    H is like well he can just come after dinner and stuff, just have some beers it is no big deal. I was like umm that's rude because I would be hurt to be told you can just come to the end but you're not invited to the rest and why would you want to show up like that. I told H I wasn't cool with it at all but apparently he texted something saying if you were planning to crash the wedding it would be ok after 8pm (or something along those lines). Friend A actually did come, sometime after dinner, I have no idea when, talked to him, gave us a card/check, etc.

    I still feel sooo embarrassed about this even though H is the one who did it (and really the whole you sort of invited yourself thing). I hated writing that thankyou note because it was a Very generous check and he was invited just as a crasher so to speak. I felt weird seeing him at another event later too, perhaps I'm the only one who feels weird about it and none of the guys care but it bugs me still.

    TL:DR.  Don't do this, my H did and I'm still embarrassed by it.

  • Everyone about covered it. Good for you for checking but going off the tone of your posts sounds like you are going to do it anyway. Your friends will remember your wedding not as the wedding with a great band but rather the wedding they got invited to but didn't get to see the ceremony or eat the dinner so were invited to only bring a gift. Regardless if you don't want them to people will. And that's how it looks.


    Don't do it. Just because you know people doesn't mean you need to invite them to your wedding. People really do understand.

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This thread title has me craving meatloaf.


    image
  • Hi All,

    I appreciate the folks that gave advice, and critiqued the idea of a "Wedding Crasher Invite" as opposed to criticizing me (calling me names, suggested i'm spoiled, suggesting i'm rude, suggesting I will carry out "asshole" behavior, or that i'm devoid of proper manners) I did ask for constructive criticism and when I got it, it was super helpful. This other stuff was expected but certainly unappreciated. There is a way to provide excellent advice and to get your point across firmly without name calling and labeling. 

    I also appreciate this last comment about Etiquette and how simple and to the point it is to say that it's best just to treat all the guests that same. (Thanks CM Gragain, that is actually the best way to say it) Perhaps you can private message me with those suggested wedding invite wordings since, point in fact, we are hosting our own wedding and paying for it as well - and I've never heard that the Bride and Groom aren't to take credit for hosting their own wedding. But I think I see why that could look awkward. 

    This post has been a great exercise. I have certainly learned that as a person i'm more laid back and less easily offended by some things, and  that some people are greatly offended by those same things. It's not my intent to hurt any of my guests feelings or treat anyone badly. But I also know in my heart that we know people that would enjoy such an invitation. But there are probably an equal amount who would not. 

    I'm sure my fiance and I will talk it about it some more and decide what's right for us. I'll be sure to let everyone know how it works out and what we do in the end. If we don't do it, i'll be the first person to thank you, and if we do and it doesn't work out, i'll be sure to come back with my tail between my legs and let you tell me "I told you so".  And if we do it, and it does work out then I guess i'll let you know that too.


  • edited October 2015

    Hi All,

    I appreciate the folks that gave advice, and critiqued the idea of a "Wedding Crasher Invite" as opposed to criticizing me (calling me names, suggested i'm spoiled, suggesting i'm rude, suggesting I will carry out "asshole" behavior, or that i'm devoid of proper manners) I did ask for constructive criticism and when I got it, it was super helpful. This other stuff was expected but certainly unappreciated. There is a way to provide excellent advice and to get your point across firmly without name calling and labeling. 

    I also appreciate this last comment about Etiquette and how simple and to the point it is to say that it's best just to treat all the guests that same. (Thanks CM Gragain, that is actually the best way to say it) Perhaps you can private message me with those suggested wedding invite wordings since, point in fact, we are hosting our own wedding and paying for it as well - and I've never heard that the Bride and Groom aren't to take credit for hosting their own wedding. But I think I see why that could look awkward. 

    This post has been a great exercise. I have certainly learned that as a person i'm more laid back and less easily offended by some things, and  that some people are greatly offended by those same things. It's not my intent to hurt any of my guests feelings or treat anyone badly. But I also know in my heart that we know people that would enjoy such an invitation. But there are probably an equal amount who would not. 

    I'm sure my fiance and I will talk it about it some more and decide what's right for us. I'll be sure to let everyone know how it works out and what we do in the end. If we don't do it, i'll be the first person to thank you, and if we do and it doesn't work out, i'll be sure to come back with my tail between my legs and let you tell me "I told you so".  And if we do it, and it does work out then I guess i'll let you know that too.


    You probably won't know if it works out if you do this though because most people will not tell you to your face that what you're doing is rude. Your friends and family will smile politely at you and say "whatever you want" and will talk about you / your decision behind your back.

    These women are simply trying to help you host your guests well so you won't have to be the topic of discussion.
    OliveOilsMom[Deleted User]
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I do appreciate the feedback - honestly - and I'm not at all surprised by the responses. I do understand this is an etiquette board - and that's what people want to push - good etiquette. That is admirable. I know everyone here has good intentions and want to protect people form themselves and bad decision making.

    I would just like to hear about the flip side of the coin. Perhaps I need to find a board called : "They Said don't it...but"

    The band we hired, is amazing and they only cost slightly less than the catering if you can believe it. And because my Fiance is a singer/songwriter - that is the real show piece of the wedding - so of course we want as many people to see the band as possible. It's basically a private concert at the end of the wedding...do that is the true nature of my dilemma - it seems so wrong to not invite people to see the band.

    All that being said, your opinions have be heard and I will certainly take it all under advisement.
    I always thought the ceremony, the point of the entire day, was the REAL showpiece.  Because without the ceremony, the day is, well, just a concert then.

    And OP, to my initial question regarding your use of the word "subsidized" bar......are guests paying for any portion of their drinks?
    [Deleted User]JBee85spockforprezsparklepants41
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited October 2015
    Okay I'll play along because we all probably have some prospective guests that aren't interested in the ceremony. Who are mine? I'm not sure but I can guess. But what I do know is that if I invite them properly, they can choose to attend the reception only. If I decide for them that they will be tiered, then I've no longer treated them like an adult who can prioritize their own wants and schedule and have pigeon holed them into what I think they want. I'd also like to add my perspective as a guest. I was basically raised by wolves and learned manners as a young adult. When I was 21 and dumb I was the date of a guest at a tiered reception. We walked in. All of my dates friends were seated at their round table. We went to the bar, got our drinks and then walked back and stood behind a couple of people who were seated so we could join in on the discussion. There was nowhere for us to sit, or set our drinks or put down my purse. Even then, mannerless me kept thinking 'well this is awkward as hell.' You know why, because it was. ETA Even more telling, I have NO idea who my date/host was....I just remember feeling weird about the whole thing.
    image
  • In some countries, this is the norm. You are expected to invite certain people to certain parts of the wedding and no one is offended.  In the USA, however, I would not recommend it. Invite everyone to the whole wedding and scale down your festivities.

    It is NOT RUDE to invite only close friends/close family to your legal ceremony if you are having a small religious wedding or civil ceremony at a courthouse. 
    It is NOT RUDE to have a party to celebrate your wedding on a completely different day. To this event you may invite anyone you like even if they were not invited to the wedding. This can be done after you return from your honeymoon. 

  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Hi All,

    I appreciate the folks that gave advice, and critiqued the idea of a "Wedding Crasher Invite" as opposed to criticizing me (calling me names, suggested i'm spoiled, suggesting i'm rude, suggesting I will carry out "asshole" behavior, or that i'm devoid of proper manners) I did ask for constructive criticism and when I got it, it was super helpful. This other stuff was expected but certainly unappreciated. There is a way to provide excellent advice and to get your point across firmly without name calling and labeling. 

    I also appreciate this last comment about Etiquette and how simple and to the point it is to say that it's best just to treat all the guests that same. (Thanks CM Gragain, that is actually the best way to say it) Perhaps you can private message me with those suggested wedding invite wordings since, point in fact, we are hosting our own wedding and paying for it as well - and I've never heard that the Bride and Groom aren't to take credit for hosting their own wedding. But I think I see why that could look awkward. 

    This post has been a great exercise. I have certainly learned that as a person i'm more laid back and less easily offended by some things, and  that some people are greatly offended by those same things. It's not my intent to hurt any of my guests feelings or treat anyone badly. But I also know in my heart that we know people that would enjoy such an invitation. But there are probably an equal amount who would not. 

    I'm sure my fiance and I will talk it about it some more and decide what's right for us. I'll be sure to let everyone know how it works out and what we do in the end. If we don't do it, i'll be the first person to thank you, and if we do and it doesn't work out, i'll be sure to come back with my tail between my legs and let you tell me "I told you so".  And if we do it, and it does work out then I guess i'll let you know that too.


    I have to wonder if this post has indeed been a "great exercise" or folly for you.  In reading your brief history, you have managed to hit upon every hot button.  You were glad you increased the size of your wedding party because it's been helpful to have a larger group of people to assist you with YOUR crafts, shopping, and "logistics".  You have advocated for potluck weddings with the disclaimer that it "just needs to be the best darn potluck wedding ever"!  PPD's are OK with you because people should not be limited to just one wedding.  There is no such thing as rude brides, in your opinion; just a lack of easy going guests.  The best and final statement you opine is, "Everyone is ENTITLED" to the wedding they want"!




    SP29MairePoppypoodledoodleooo[Deleted User]
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