Asking to set aside Thanksgiving food w/o dairy?

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · November 2015

My FI and I are going to his mom's house for Thanksgiving this year. I'm vegetarian, but I am gradually making my way toward veganism. His mom let me know what she has in mind for snacks and dinner, but my options are a bit limited, mainly because everything will have cheese/butter in it.

Would it be rude to ask her to set aside a portion for me before she adds any dairy to it?

I have already offered to bring one or two veggie dishes.

I don't want to come off as needy or picky. I'm just really trying to stick to my morals.

southernbelle0915 · November 2015

Jax43615 said:
My FI and I are going to his mom's house for Thanksgiving this year. I'm vegetarian, but I am gradually making my way toward veganism. His mom let me know what she has in mind for snacks and dinner, but my options are a bit limited, mainly because everything will have cheese/butter in it.
Would it be rude to ask her to set aside a portion for me before she adds any dairy to it?
I have already offered to bring one or two veggie dishes.
I don't want to come off as needy or picky. I'm just really trying to stick to my morals.

I don't think it's a bad ides for your H to remind her that you're vegetarian. But I don't think you should spring a new eating choice (veganism) on her at a huge meal like Thanksgiving and ask her to make special dishes for you.

If you're bringing two vegan friendly dishes, great. Plan to eat those and/or before you arrive.

Once you're actually a vegan, you can start telling her that. But it sounds to me like you're in transition and she already decided on a menu based on your previous dietary choices.

GlamQueenBride · November 2015

Keep in mind a lot of foods are prepared with the dairy, so there's no way for her to make you some without dairy unless it's a totally different dish (like mashed potatoes, banana bread, etc). I would have your Fi ask that she not butter the veggies or bread and allow people to do it themselves if they want butter. I would then think about bringing larger portions of the veggie dishes you plan to bring and plan on eating that along with whatever else you can eat there and see how it goes.

JediElizabeth · November 2015

Jax43615 said:

My FI and I are going to his mom's house for Thanksgiving this year. I'm vegetarian, but I am gradually making my way toward veganism. His mom let me know what she has in mind for snacks and dinner, but my options are a bit limited, mainly because everything will have cheese/butter in it.
Would it be rude to ask her to set aside a portion for me before she adds any dairy to it?
I have already offered to bring one or two veggie dishes.
I don't want to come off as needy or picky. I'm just really trying to stick to my morals.

I feel like telling her this week, with about 3 weeks to plan, would be alright. I'd make sure that you bring something that you could have as an entree and everyone else could have as a side, but you can ask for some of the sides to be vegan.

For myself, when I knew I was hosting vegans for Friendsgiving, I made some stuffing with water instead of broth (which did not go in the turkey), and I made some of the veggies with a vegan margarine & garlic instead of butter. That was no trouble for me, and I felt good that my guests were able to eat some of what I had made, even though they brought their own tofu-based entree.

Maggie0829 · November 2015

Does she know that you are going vegan? If not, then you should tell her. But honestly, if you are bringing two vegan dishes (I am assuming that they are going to be substantial in nature, like a nice casserole) and she also has one or two options available to you that meet your vegan criteria then you should be fine and shouldn't have to ask her to separate things for you.

jenna8984 · November 2015

You are not asking her to make entirely new or different dishes for you. You are asking that she puts aside one scoop of potatoes before she whips in butter/ cream. I personally think that is totally reasonable.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · November 2015

Stuck in boxes from the getgo...
Thank you for the suggestions!
She is already aware of my eating habits! So it is not a shock or anything to her. She is the one who expressed concern over there being enough options for me.
We have been speaking over FB messenger this afternoon, and I did explain to her how I don't want her to do any extra work...all I'm thinking of it setting aside a scoop or 2 of mashed potatoes before she adds in all the butter, milk, etc and some broccoli before she adds in the cheese. Not making completely different dishes just for me.
I also plan on bringing my own entrée and my own butter.
But! I was probably over-analyzing, and it does sound like I'll be just fine. Thank you ladies for helping me out
@southernbelle0915 @GlamQueenBride @JediElizabeth @Maggie0829

GlamQueenBride · November 2015

jenna8984 said:

You are not asking her to make entirely new or different dishes for you. You are asking that she puts aside one scoop of potatoes before she whips in butter/ cream. I personally think that is totally reasonable.

How do you even make potatoes without milk???

GlamQueenBride · November 2015

GlamQueenBride said:

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jenna8984 said:

You are not asking her to make entirely new or different dishes for you. You are asking that she puts aside one scoop of potatoes before she whips in butter/ cream. I personally think that is totally reasonable.

How do you even make mashed potatoes without milk???

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · November 2015

You just don't add milk...or use almond/soy/cashew milk. And vegan butter/sour cream.

After not having loaded mashed potatoes in a while, I don't like to add a bunch of extras to mine. I eat mashed potatoes because I like how potatoes taste. All I add is a little butter, whatever milk I have, and garlic to it.

banana468 · November 2015

I think you can mention now at this point that you're removing dairy from your diet.

But what I think you can't expect are a totally separate vegan version.

Ex: the mashed potatoes would just be mashed. Maybe she'll add olive oil or garlic but I don't think you can expect her to have vegan butter or vegan sour cream or soy milk. KWIM?

Ditto for some dishes. It's easy enough to prepare green beans with olive oil and garlic and no butter.

We do a friendsgiving and are frying a turkey in canola oil (to be friendly to the friends w/ peanut allergies) and I'll make corn muffins that are gluten free. I'll have a chili with turkey and a vegetarian one going too. And I'll have gluten free crackers on the side. But I can't guarantee that I'll have vegan cheese or butter.

MairePoppy · November 2015

As the usual Thanksgiving dinner host, I'd rather know about guests dietary needs before I cook the dinner, rather than find out, at the dinner table, that a guest won't be able to eat most of the dishes. If you're just weaning yourself off dairy, could you allow your MIL a little wiggle room for this Thanksgiving. By all means, ask if she can set aside a scoop of mashed potatoes for you. I don't mind doing stuff like that for my guests.

I have to bitch now. This has nothing to do with you, Jax. I have one extremely picky holiday guests, whose dietary needs/wants/likes/dislikes are ever changing. She really pisses me off when she announces she can't eat the apple pie that she ate last year, unless they were made with organic apples, flour etc...one holiday she needs decaf tea, the next year she needs real coffee because she read about the caffeine removal process. After drinking diet coke for years, she's sworn off whatever kind of sweetener that's in regular diet coke. She can't eat her pie, unless it's warm and has ice cream - which can't be any vanilla based flavor because vanilla make her gag. She ask for items she doesn't see on the table - salt substitue, raw sugar, lemon wedges, local honey. ARGGGGHHHHHH!

Sorry about that. I feel better now.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · November 2015

Lol, that's alright @MairePoppy I'm trying to avoid being your picky guest :P

@banana468 Yeah, I don't expect her to actually make or season my dishes. Just gimme a scoop of potatoes and I'll take care of the rest.

JediElizabeth · November 2015

MairePoppy said: As the usual Thanksgiving dinner host, I'd rather know about guests dietary needs before I cook the dinner, rather than find out, at the dinner table, that a guest won't be able to eat most of the dishes. If you're just weaning yourself off dairy, could you allow your MIL a little wiggle room for this Thanksgiving. By all means, ask if she can set aside a scoop of mashed potatoes for you. I don't mind doing stuff like that for my guests.
I have to bitch now. This has nothing to do with you, Jax. I have one extremely picky holiday guests, whose dietary needs/wants/likes/dislikes are ever changing. She really pisses me off when she announces she can't eat the apple pie that she ate last year, unless they were made with organic apples, flour etc...one holiday she needs decaf tea, the next year she needs real coffee because she read about the caffeine removal process. After drinking diet coke for years, she's sworn off whatever kind of sweetener that's in regular diet coke. She can't eat her pie, unless it's warm and has ice cream - which can't be any vanilla based flavor because vanilla make her gag. She ask for items she doesn't see on the table - salt substitue, raw sugar, lemon wedges, local honey. ARGGGGHHHHHH!
Sorry about that. I feel better now.

***Boxes Disappeared***
From my very small sample of adult vegan & vegetarian friends (half a dozen? maybe a bit more?), in my experience, people who cut out food for ethical reasons are almost always trying to avoid being a nuisance, even when they're not even close. But the omnivores on ever-changing fad diets....*shudder*

I generally don't invite them over when I'm cooking if I can at all help it.

MairePoppy · November 2015

Jax43615 - I don't get the impression that you're picky. Your MIL would probably rather have you speak up ahead of time so you can enjoy the meal.

JediElizabeth - I agree and don't have any problems with accomodating people who have dietary convictions or restrictions. The guest that I dread is a PITA about everything, not just her food. It felt good to bitch.

lc07 · November 2015

I would have H let her know that you are going vegan and come Thanksgiving will be only eating vegan. Have him ask her if she can set aside things for you before adding any animal products. If for some reason she cannot, he can request that she please let H know X days in advance. Then just bring a tupperware of things you can eat that day and heat it up at the appropriate time and eat that. NBD. (and maybe bring this stuff with you JIC so you don't get hangry if vegan dinner goes sideways.)

jenna8984 · November 2015

GlamQueenBride said:

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jenna8984 said:

You are not asking her to make entirely new or different dishes for you. You are asking that she puts aside one scoop of potatoes before she whips in butter/ cream. I personally think that is totally reasonable.

How do you even make potatoes without milk???

It's not like you boil the potatoes in milk. Boil them. Smash slightly. Scoop out 1-2 scoops and put in a side dish. Continue to the big pot as usual with milk & butter.....really not hard.

Maggie0829 · November 2015

MairePoppy said:

I have to bitch now. This has nothing to do with you, Jax. I have one extremely picky holiday guests, whose dietary needs/wants/likes/dislikes are ever changing. She really pisses me off when she announces she can't eat the apple pie that she ate last year, unless they were made with organic apples, flour etc...one holiday she needs decaf tea, the next year she needs real coffee because she read about the caffeine removal process. After drinking diet coke for years, she's sworn off whatever kind of sweetener that's in regular diet coke. She can't eat her pie, unless it's warm and has ice cream - which can't be any vanilla based flavor because vanilla make her gag. She ask for items she doesn't see on the table - salt substitue, raw sugar, lemon wedges, local honey. ARGGGGHHHHHH!

Sorry about that. I feel better now.

I would be all "Oh this apple pie is 100% organic, so eat up!" "Oh this ice cream? No, it isn't vanilla. Those black specks are just finally minced chocolate." "This honey is local. Locally purchased from the food store down the street." "You want some lemon wedges? Well there is a lemon in the fridge and the knives are in that drawer." "You want your pie warm? The microwave is right there."

And what the hell is salt substitute?

MairePoppy · November 2015

@Maggie - I'm inviting you for Thanksgiving.

My husband has only a few living relatives and she's married to one of them. When I invite her, I tell her if there are any special items she needs, she should bring them.

Maggie0829 · November 2015

MairePoppy said:

@Maggie - I'm inviting you for Thanksgiving.

My husband has only a few living relatives and she's married to one of them. When I invite her, I tell her if there are any special items she needs, she should bring them.

I have never heard of this stuff, but after doing a quick read up about it on Google, it seems like a person would be better off not using it at all. The whole 'can leave a bitter taste' is a big turn off.

banana468 · November 2015

It's really tough when people with ever-changing dietary needs aren't up front about it. Even worse is when they waffle IN FRONT OF YOU.

We recently had guests who gobbled up my key lime pie with whipped cream but requested plain tomatoes lacking mozzarella for the caprese salad.

themosthappy91 · November 2015

Can this just become a thread where we complain about our difficult to please picky eater friends? Because they are the bane of my life.

Honestly I'm lucky that my friends aren't the high maintenance kind of picky eaters who expect you to cater to their weird and changing dislikes- they will happily just pass on what they don't want to eat without comment, which is preferable for sure... but it still annoys me because they are so picky they will pass on everything that isn't like plain unseasoned chicken breasts. Which means that despite the fact that I love them and love their company, they are no fun to have over for meals.

OP I can't tell if you're getting any pushback from your MIL or are just sensitive about not coming off as difficult, but I think in general if you're having trouble communicating your needs it helps to ere on the side of being more definite in how you present things- "I'm not going to be eating any dairy anymore" versus "I'm transitioning away from eating dairy."

missa011 · November 2015

jenna8984 said:

show previous quotes

GlamQueenBride said:

jenna8984 said:

You are not asking her to make entirely new or different dishes for you. You are asking that she puts aside one scoop of potatoes before she whips in butter/ cream. I personally think that is totally reasonable.

How do you even make potatoes without milk???

It's not like you boil the potatoes in milk. Boil them. Smash slightly. Scoop out 1-2 scoops and put in a side dish. Continue to the big pot as usual with milk & butter.....really not hard.

Also you can use vegetable broth instead of milk to make them creamy, that's what I do sometimes when I want to be healthier than adding tons of cream and butter (not on Thanksgiving when I hope to gain 5 pounds in one sitting, but other days). Still delicious!

anjemon · November 2015

scribe95 said:

I'm confused how this would work? Can I see some examples of how she can put stuff aside? So you want a bowl of soft potatoes but with nothing in them?

I am asking honestly.

Pretty much yes. My family has been doing this for years because my Grandpa has heart issues and avoids a lot of fatty stuff. Grandma pulls out some potatoes for him, it's usually just a dish of soft/boiled potatoes and he just controls his own butter/salt. She also separates some veggies (like broccoli) before adding any of the cheese or butter for him. Although I think in my family we salt/butter a lot less in the big dishes and rely on people to do it to their own tastes.

holyguacamole79 · November 2015

Dammit. I really want some mashed potatoes now.

cgss11 · November 2015

What else is she planning? I can see that mashed potatoes would be easy to set some aside, and veggie dishes (that you're bringing), but I can't think of much else that would be easy to set aside?

I'm thinking of my typical meal:
Turkey - obviously out
Mashed potatoes - solved
Gravy - I buy canned anyways, but I assume it's not even vegetarian
Stuffing - we use stovetop, can't really set aside that? Or just leave out the butter?
Veggie dishes - we usually have corn casserole, which would be out, you're handling other veggies
Jello salad - don't hate, Midwestern tradition lol..I think this would maybe be ok?
Green salad - no problems there, keep dressings on the side
Rolls - pre made, would have dairy

Then desserts we have pies - so hard to set aside there.

So I think you're fine to ask about the potatoes, that's easy. As far as the rest, I would bring your dishes, and plan on a lighter-ish meal for you. Maybe you and DH can have a full vegan meal another weekend?

MairePoppy · November 2015

scribe95 said:

I'm confused how this would work? Can I see some examples of how she can put stuff aside? So you want a bowl of soft potatoes but with nothing in them?

I am asking honestly.

My FSIL was lactose intolerant. I'd set aside mashed potatoes for her and she'd mix dairy-free ranch dressing into them. They tasted pretty good. I have a set of individual casseroles so I'd scoop some of the sweet potato casserole and stuffing before I added the butter. Beyond that, I'd just let her know which foods had butter in them. She wasn't a PITA about it.

ryanandjoe4 · November 2015

cgss11 said:

What else is she planning? I can see that mashed potatoes would be easy to set some aside, and veggie dishes (that you're bringing), but I can't think of much else that would be easy to set aside? I'm thinking of my typical meal: Turkey - obviously out Mashed potatoes - solved Gravy - I buy canned anyways, but I assume it's not even vegetarian Stuffing - we use stovetop, can't really set aside that? Or just leave out the butter? Veggie dishes - we usually have corn casserole, which would be out, you're handling other veggies Jello salad - don't hate, Midwestern tradition lol..I think this would maybe be ok? Green salad - no problems there, keep dressings on the side Rolls - pre made, would have dairy Then desserts we have pies - so hard to set aside there. So I think you're fine to ask about the potatoes, that's easy. As far as the rest, I would bring your dishes, and plan on a lighter-ish meal for you. Maybe you and DH can have a full vegan meal another weekend?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BOX I'M STUCK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jello is made from skin and or bones of animals.. I am by no means a vegitarian, I am a steak and potatoes girl but have a hard time eating jello because I know this, and have been told all my life that horses, and cows bones are in Jello..

themosthappy91 · November 2015

ryanandjoe4 said:

show previous quotes

cgss11 said:

What else is she planning? I can see that mashed potatoes would be easy to set some aside, and veggie dishes (that you're bringing), but I can't think of much else that would be easy to set aside? I'm thinking of my typical meal: Turkey - obviously out Mashed potatoes - solved Gravy - I buy canned anyways, but I assume it's not even vegetarian Stuffing - we use stovetop, can't really set aside that? Or just leave out the butter? Veggie dishes - we usually have corn casserole, which would be out, you're handling other veggies Jello salad - don't hate, Midwestern tradition lol..I think this would maybe be ok? Green salad - no problems there, keep dressings on the side Rolls - pre made, would have dairy Then desserts we have pies - so hard to set aside there. So I think you're fine to ask about the potatoes, that's easy. As far as the rest, I would bring your dishes, and plan on a lighter-ish meal for you. Maybe you and DH can have a full vegan meal another weekend?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BOX I'M STUCK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jello is made from skin and or bones of animals.. I am by no means a vegitarian, I am a steak and potatoes girl but have a hard time eating jello because I know this, and have been told all my life that horses, and cows bones are in Jello..

Yup, gelatin is made by boiling animal bones to produced collagen, which is basically like strings of animal protein. Definitely a no-go for vegans, sorry if Jello is ruined now for anyone.

JediElizabeth · November 2015

cgss11 said:
What else is she planning? I can see that mashed potatoes would be easy to set some aside, and veggie dishes (that you're bringing), but I can't think of much else that would be easy to set aside?

I'm thinking of my typical meal:
Turkey - obviously out
Mashed potatoes - solved
Gravy - I buy canned anyways, but I assume it's not even vegetarian
Stuffing - we use stovetop, can't really set aside that? Or just leave out the butter?
Veggie dishes - we usually have corn casserole, which would be out, you're handling other veggies
Jello salad - don't hate, Midwestern tradition lol..I think this would maybe be ok?
Green salad - no problems there, keep dressings on the side
Rolls - pre made, would have dairy

Then desserts we have pies - so hard to set aside there.

So I think you're fine to ask about the potatoes, that's easy. As far as the rest, I would bring your dishes, and plan on a lighter-ish meal for you. Maybe you and DH can have a full vegan meal another weekend?

No, Jello uses bone. It's not even vegetarian, never mind vegan.

For me, I use stuffing that you just add water or broth to, so some gets made sperately with water or veggie broth. Most rolls are vegan to begin with, as long as you don't add butter.

We use exclusively almond milk in my house, because I can't digest a lot of cow's milk or too much soy, and I find that it actually makes mashed potatoes and other recipes sweeter....

There are lots of very easy, tasty ways to cut animal products out of food (even for voracious carnivores like me).

cgss11 · November 2015

Ahh yes, forgot about that and jello.

I was thinking rolls might have some type of milk in them, perhaps not though.

Asking to set aside Thanksgiving food w/o dairy?

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