Wedding Party Dilemma

Knottie1439576573 · November 2015

We are getting married in April 2016 and are having trouble finalizing our wedding party. Our first issue is that I have a MOH but my fiance does not have a best man. He does have groomsmen (our sides are even) but does not want to ask either of them to be BM b/c he doesn't feel that close to them. We don't mind this- I don't have a problem with it and anyone can sign the marriage license, so I don't see the point in making a big deal out of it. But it has become a large topic of discussion for my mom and I- leading to her conclusion that because of this, we are not having a "traditional" wedding.

Our other issue is with the kiddos. We have a ring bearer and want my niece to be flower girl, but she will only be 1 year old. My fiance's idea was to have another family friend, around 12 years old (a junior bridesmaid), walk with the kiddos and carry my niece, if necessary. Once again, our family does not like this idea. I'm not sure what to tell them... help!

Thoughts? Is this all too weird?

Maggie0829 · November 2015

Knottie1439576573 said:

We are getting married in April 2016 and are having trouble finalizing our wedding party. Our first issue is that I have a MOH but my fiance does not have a best man. He does have groomsmen (our sides are even) but does not want to ask either of them to be BM b/c he doesn't feel that close to them. We don't mind this- I don't have a problem with it and anyone can sign the marriage license, so I don't see the point in making a big deal out of it. But it has become a large topic of discussion for my mom and I- leading to her conclusion that because of this, we are not having a "traditional" wedding.

Our other issue is with the kiddos. We have a ring bearer and want my niece to be flower girl, but she will only be 1 year old. My fiance's idea was to have another family friend, around 12 years old (a junior bridesmaid), walk with the kiddos and carry my niece, if necessary. Once again, our family does not like this idea. I'm not sure what to tell them... help!

Thoughts? Is this all too weird?

Stop discussing your wedding party with your Mom.

As for the kids, I wouldn't just add the 12 year old so that she can wrangle the kids. That is not very fair to her. For your flower girl, just have her Mom carry her down the aisle.

holyguacamole79 · November 2015

I wouldn't involve a 1 year old. Children at that age are unpredictable. I was at a wedding several years ago where the 13 month old nephew was the ring bearer. He SCREAMED bloody murder and refused to walk down the aisle. They insisted and his dad finally picked him up and carried him down the aisle.

Also, there is no need to distinguish a guy as the best man.

JediElizabeth · November 2015

Often "traditional" just means "what I've seen before." Everyone veers from tradition somewhat, because no one and no couple is cookie cutter. If your mom isn't accepting of that, I agree with PP that you should just not talk to her about those portions of the wedding.

(Edited because for some reason mobile posting hates me today, and lost half my reply.)

spockforprez · November 2015

FH doesn't have a best man either; it's no biggie.

Have the 12 year old be a flower girl. It doesn't have to be a juvenile position, and she doesn't have to sprinkle petals. My 7-yo flower girl is just going to wear a flower crown like mine and carry a bouquet. Or, you can make her a bridesmaid (junior is a somewhat controversial term) and skip the flower girl tradition altogether. That was my plan until my niece asked me if she could be my flower girl! lol

[Deleted User] · November 2015

Knottie1439576573 said:

We are getting married in April 2016 and are having trouble finalizing our wedding party. Our first issue is that I have a MOH but my fiance does not have a best man. He does have groomsmen (our sides are even) but does not want to ask either of them to be BM b/c he doesn't feel that close to them. We don't mind this- I don't have a problem with it and anyone can sign the marriage license, so I don't see the point in making a big deal out of it. But it has become a large topic of discussion for my mom and I- leading to her conclusion that because of this, we are not having a "traditional" wedding.

Our other issue is with the kiddos. We have a ring bearer and want my niece to be flower girl, but she will only be 1 year old. My fiance's idea was to have another family friend, around 12 years old (a junior bridesmaid), walk with the kiddos and carry my niece, if necessary. Once again, our family does not like this idea. I'm not sure what to tell them... help!

Thoughts? Is this all too weird?

A one year old will not know what is happening and should not be a flower girl. You can take adorable pictures with her, but don't ask her to perform or ask another person to carry her.

Jen4948 · November 2015

Knottie1439576573 said:

We are getting married in April 2016 and are having trouble finalizing our wedding party. Our first issue is that I have a MOH but my fiance does not have a best man. He does have groomsmen (our sides are even) but does not want to ask either of them to be BM b/c he doesn't feel that close to them. We don't mind this- I don't have a problem with it and anyone can sign the marriage license, so I don't see the point in making a big deal out of it. But it has become a large topic of discussion for my mom and I- leading to her conclusion that because of this, we are not having a "traditional" wedding.

Our other issue is with the kiddos. We have a ring bearer and want my niece to be flower girl, but she will only be 1 year old. My fiance's idea was to have another family friend, around 12 years old (a junior bridesmaid), walk with the kiddos and carry my niece, if necessary. Once again, our family does not like this idea. I'm not sure what to tell them... help!

Thoughts? Is this all too weird?

Stop discussing the wedding party with your mom, and if she keeps bringing up how the wedding is not traditional, just respond, "That's right, mom, it's not your idea of 'traditional.' That said, we are not going to be making any changes just to have 'even sides.' Please consider the subject closed."

I agree with your family about not having a 1 year old flower girl walk down the aisle or be carried down. I would just take photos with the 1 year old and let it go at that.

Knottie1439576573 · November 2015

Thanks for all your responses! I want my 1 year old niece in the wedding since she is important to me, but maybe being the "flower girl" isn't the right way to do it, since she is so young. We are asking the 12 year old what she would like to do (walk down carrying a bouquet, walk with the kids, pull my niece in a wagon) so that she feels included -- we are not asking her just to wrangle the kids. We would've liked her to be the flower girl, but her mom feels that that is too childish for her.

My family gets hung up on titles - I'm fine with dropping the "junior", I just thought that was the accepted term for a young teenager in a wedding. I was a junior bridesmaid for my cousin and never thought twice about it.

I do agree that I need to stop talking to my mom about the wedding party, but she insists. Thanks for the ideas of how to shut that down!

holyguacamole79 · November 2015

Knottie1439576573 said:

Thanks for all your responses! I want my 1 year old niece in the wedding since she is important to me, but maybe being the "flower girl" isn't the right way to do it, since she is so young. We are asking the 12 year old what she would like to do (walk down carrying a bouquet, walk with the kids, pull my niece in a wagon) so that she feels included -- we are not asking her just to wrangle the kids. We would've liked her to be the flower girl, but her mom feels that that is too childish for her.

My family gets hung up on titles - I'm fine with dropping the "junior", I just thought that was the accepted term for a young teenager in a wedding. I was a junior bridesmaid for my cousin and never thought twice about it.

I do agree that I need to stop talking to my mom about the wedding party, but she insists. Thanks for the ideas of how to shut that down!

I would stay away from the wagon idea. It's cute on Pinterest, but considering how much 1 year olds wiggle, it could be quite a safety hazzard.

Honestly, let the 1 year old be. She's too young to know what's going on and can be a wild card.

Jen4948 · November 2015

Knottie1439576573 said:

Thanks for all your responses! I want my 1 year old niece in the wedding since she is important to me, but maybe being the "flower girl" isn't the right way to do it, since she is so young. We are asking the 12 year old what she would like to do (walk down carrying a bouquet, walk with the kids, pull my niece in a wagon) so that she feels included -- we are not asking her just to wrangle the kids. We would've liked her to be the flower girl, but her mom feels that that is too childish for her.

People seem to get hung up on titles - I'm fine with dropping the "junior", I just thought that was the accepted term for a young teenager in a wedding. I was a junior bridesmaid for my cousin and never thought twice about it.

I do agree that I need to stop talking to my mom about the wedding party, but she insists. Thanks for the ideas of how to shut that down!

Don't do the bolded. Even assuming that your venue will allow a wagon, this is not a safe way for a 1 year old to get down the aisle. And any child that is too small to get up and down the aisle under his or her own power or to understand what's being asked of him or her is just too young for more than photos. Limit the 1 year old's involvement to that.

With regard to the 12 year old, if you want her as a bridesmaid, ask her to be a bridesmaid and treat her the same way you would treat any other bridesmaid. The only 3 things she won't be able to do that an adult bridesmaid can are sign your license as a witness, drink alcohol, or go into adult establishments.

If your mom keeps insisting on talking about dissing your wedding party, tell her, "Mom, this is a closed subject. I'm sorry you're not happy, but I refuse to discuss this with you anymore." Then hang up, walk away, delete the email/post, or otherwise indicate that the conversation is at an end.

ryanandjoe4 · November 2015

My 11 year old sister was a bridesmaid, she was apart of everything that day, I bought her some sparkling juice, and she drank out of a wine glass like the rest of us, it was fun, and she enjoyed it.. A 12 year old wouldn't want to be lumped with the kids, they are wanting to be included in the more adult part of things.

Also as PP have said the 1 year old is unpredictable, my 5 year old didn't want to cooperate and didn't walk. The wagon is a bad idea, kids climb out when they don't want to be in them and where will the wagon go after the ceremony, who is in charge of getting it there, and home again? the kids parents assuming that they have the wagon, or are you buying a $100 wagon for a 2 minuet or less walk.. It all sounds like a lot of work for people that are supposed to be enjoying the day and not working the day..

[Deleted User] · November 2015

You can still call her a flower girl and just take the pictures as if she's a flower girl. She doesn't have to walk down an aisle to be called a flower girl. If you really want her involved, involve her that way. A title in the program for her baby book, and a picture of both of you in pretty dresses.

banana468 · November 2015

Dress up the 1 yo and take some photos with her.

My 1 yo is really unpredictable. Being close to the 1 yo is a reason for the pictures - not to try to get her to be something she's incapable of being. She probably won't make it through the ceremony and will have to be brought outside by someone else anyway. The age is just too volatile to expect anything.

levioosa · November 2015

As someone who was just in a wedding party with a one year old....it was not a good plan. The little girl is normally very vivacious and loves to be around people. The day of the wedding she was overwhelmed and screamed the entire time. A wedding is a lot of stimulation for a little one. If you want to have her in pictures, I think that's okay, but don't expect too much on the day of the wedding. Just go with the flow.

[Deleted User] · November 2015

Since you can have anyone that is at the ceremony sign the license, maybe opt to have your mom's or the dad's sign. And you can skip the BM and MOH speeches at the reception too. See if either dad or both would like to do a toast. In regards to your niece, I agree with her family, leave her out. Why put her parents through the expense of getting a flower girl dress when she isn't even going to be able to walk down the isle. It's hard to predict how kids that age will behave, she could have a totally melt down when the other girl carries her or decide it's nap time and she's sleeping. Let her parents dress her up if they want and include her & them in some family photos. It will reduce the stress in planning for a lot of people.

CMGragain · November 2015

Many churches would not allow a one year old to be a part of the ceremony. The child should be old enough to know what is happening before she participates in a ceremony. This goes for secular weddings, too!
You are not thinking of the child's well being. You are thinking of how cute she might look in your wedding. This is the wrong reason to include someone in your wedding party! If she cries and is unhappy, or falls out of the wagon (horrible idea), YOU will get the blame. For shame!

AddieCake · November 2015

Your mom is being silly. Nobody can really even tell who the MOH or BM are. It's not like they do anything different than the others during the ceremony. A wedding does not become NON traditional for lack of these titles. One is too young IMO to be in a wedding party. Anyone who can't get down the aisle on his or her own and have a clue what's going on is too young.

MesmrEwe · November 2015

Yes, the 12yo is a bit on the "old" side to be a Flower Girl - I agree with that... Junior BM/BM whichever you decide along with her.

As for the wagon idea, they do make wagons designed for kids that age (NOT cheap - spend that money on a cake upgrade instead!). That said - skip it because the best thing to do is simply say "Honorary Flower Girl" and just have the 1yo stay with Mom or Dad... 12mo is really unpredictable. You can get some absolutely adorable 24mo/2T dresses (about the size a 1yo will be unless she's a tiny mite) in after Christmas and/or Easter sales without breaking the bank. Have her there for pictures, but don't expect any type of performance out of the deal (walking down the aisle, smiling for pictures, etc.). Some 1yo have been walking for months, then there are others that still are crawling, can't use words to communicate, and not very often are they potty trained, which means they may need to go out during the ceremony for who knows what reason... And, depending on the time of day your ceremony is, it could be in the middle of nap time. Nap time is SACRED at that age, an under slept 12mo is a force to be reckoned with! I'd say buy a cute outfit, have them as honorary, and leave it at that. If they're all for performing you could have a parent go down the aisle carrying them, but I wouldn't expect that to happen.

Heffalump · November 2015

CMGragain said:

You are not thinking of the child's well being. You are thinking of how cute she might look in your wedding.

This is exactly what I was thinking. OP, since you're considering this because you feel close to her, then put her best interests first and don't put her through the flower girl rigmarole. I understand that you mean well. But she's too young, and she's just not there yet, developmentally. Take a couple of pictures, and then enjoy each other's company without the added pressure (on both of you) of having her perform for a crowd of mostly strangers.

OliveOilsMom · November 2015

My nephew was 2 when I married. He was always considered a RB, was given a gift as if he were RB and his name was in the program as if he were a RB. However, he was in no way interested in walking down the aisle with his brother and cousin. So he hung out in the child's room with his mom during our ceremony at our Church. He was always going to be a game time decision. But at the rehearsal, it was very clear he had no interest in being a RB. I still consider him to be one of my RB.

And when my sister married, my other niece was only 1 month old. She also attended the ceremony, was listed and considered a FG, but it was in name only. She stayed in the back with her mom while the ceremony was going on. My mom made a small gown in the same color as the BM dresses. My sister has a very sweet picture of the two of them after the ceremony. Since my niece was so young, my brother & SIL decided to send my niece home for the reception.

So even if you want your niece to be a FG, she doesn't have to actually walk down the aisle to earn that title. Just don't ask for your niece's parents to buy a super expensive dress for her to wear. Just ask them to buy any dress in your color of choice.

VicTim328 · November 2015

She's too young to participate in the ceremony. At that age (assuming we are talking about 12 mos vs. 22 mos), the slightest change in routine could make a cranky baby. It's wonderful you are close to her and want to include her. Please put her best interests first. If her parents are in the WP, could your mom or another VIP walk in with her? If they aren't in the WP, have them process with the VIP's and have a seat. Try to make sure that whoever would get up with her during the ceremony (if she cried) would be okay with missing a portion of the ceremony.

My cousin's son was an honorary ring bearer at his uncle's wedding. He was about 18 mos. He walked in holding his grandparents' hands and sat with them during the ceremony. He was fine, but it was because the ceremony didn't interfere with nap or feeding time, its was maybe 20 minutes, and his grandparents care for him regularly. In the same wedding, the bride's 3 year old niece/FG threw the biggest tantrum I had ever witnessed at a wedding (pulling up the runner, sobbing, screaming... the basket hit a guest... not good). She had to deal with a 3 hour time change, and was already a shy kid. Frankly, we didn't judge the bride as much as we judged the little girl's parents for forcing her into it.

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