Etiquette

Celebration Party

24

Re: Celebration Party

  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    For the OP, I'll agree with CMG and say what you're planning sounds fine and I'd recommend doing it within a few months. 

    To the larger conversation about celebrations, count me in the group that just doesn't get it. Even when I attend a ceremony-- I watch the ceremony. I take 2 minutes to congratulate the happy couple and complement a bride's dress. I politely sit and watch whatever other reception traditions take place. But, I'm dancing, I'm talking about the latest Big Game, I'm talking to other guests about what's going on in their lives... My "focus" is not on the union that just took place. 

    So that said, if I don't attend someone's ceremony, the next time I see that person I'll say, "Yay! Congrats! Did everything go well? Oh that's nice. I'm happy for you. So how 'bout dem Bears?"
    Why I need to attend a whole 'nother party for what constitutes a 2 minute conversation is beyond me. But hey, if you're going to host a party and buy me drinks, rather than me buying my own for a Saturday night at a bar, then cool. 


    ________________________________


    PrettyGirlLostshort+sassy[Deleted User][Deleted User]
  • I agree with @thisismynickname  - I don't think it's necessarily wrong to have small wedding and a big party later it just doesn't really make sense to me to throw a second party to celebrate when one party will do. And OP is fine to do just that if that's what she really wants.

    I don't necessarily feel like "I'm not good enough" when I only get invited to a celebration of marriage-type shindig. It just kind of feels like "you wanted a small ceremony and reception - that was who you wanted to celebrate with, and that's completely cool, so why have a second party to celebrate with more friends who you didn't really want to witness and celebrate with you at the actual event?" It doesn't seem like it'd be more cost effective - having two parties instead of one - and if an intimate ceremony and reception is important to you... why not just stop there? I don't know. Having multiple celebrations over one life event seems very AWish to me. Like let's celebrate my marriage for months! You got married, you celebrated once, isn't that where it should end?

    I typically do decline these type events. In part because I figure I'm just not close enough to the couple if they arrange things this way, or that they don't really want to celebrate with us, but feel they have to out of familial obligation or something.
    Maggie0829PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • I would say if possible within 6 months. If one spouse happens to be in the military and gets deployed and doesn't come home for say 18 months, then I think it's perfectly acceptable to have it at that time. Or say if you got married at a location where one side of the family wasn't able to attend because they live in another country & you can't afford to travel there for say maybe a year, then again, you do the best that you can. I think you are handling this very nicely. 
  • lightningsnowlightningsnow New Hampshire member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    My brother and SIL got married in Bermuda. They said to their families, hey this is where we are getting married if you can't make it we won't hold it against you, if you can awesome. There was a total of 20 of us at their wedding, mostly their friends. They paid for dinner back on the cruise ship. About a week later my parents held a cookout at our house to celebrate their marriage with family. Completely casual, no music, no dresses, no dances... just good food, good drinks, swimming and laughs. 

    I saw nothing wrong with this as it was just a backyard cookout that happened to be also for celebrating their marriage. I think if done correctly there is no problem with it.
    Formerly known as bubbles053009





    short+sassycharlotte989875NotATotalBetty
  • jacques27jacques27 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments 5 Answers
    edited November 2015
    For the actual question, if you're going to do this, then the closer to the actual event the better.  I recently went to one two weeks after the actual wedding and since it was someone I see frequently it was a little "Oh, yeah, congratulations again, even though I've seen you like eight times since you got married."  The longer out you go, the more and more removed I get from caring about the actual event.

    I will also say, have no trappings of anything wedding-like - no "first dance" (instead of us saying "awww...how cute" we spent time at our table pondering whether they really didn't dance at their actual wedding and reception and haven't danced since), no receiving line (it was awkward and felt like pretending), no garter or bouquet toss, etc.

    As a general rule though, I don't understand these parties.  It really just comes off as someone who wants to prolong their time as a bride and have more parties where they get to be the center of attention, rather than focusing on the marriage.  I think people really overestimate just how important their weddings are to other people and feel like they have to go overboard on parties to accommodate the hurt feelings they imagine they are causing.  The reality is, people are happy for you in your one moment on that one day, whether they are invited or not, and then life just keeps moving on.  I'd much rather attend a kick-ass 20th/30th/40th anniversary for someone - to me that seems more like an actual celebration of marriage than a "celebration of marriage" party a few weeks after the wedding.  I'm celebrating you...making it two whole weeks?  It feels more like celebration of wedding ceremony...that I wasn't originally invited to.
    PrettyGirlLostcharlotte989875thisismynickname2poodledoodleooo
  • mollybarker11mollybarker11 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited November 2015
    When someone graduates high school/college or something like that, a graduation party is thrown. All of the attendees may not have been invited to the graduation ceremony, but that doesn't make it a consolation party. Those attendees are there to celebrate and show their support for the graduate.  

    This is basically the same case with the OP's celebration party. She wants to celebrate not only her recent ceremony, but also the path that took her there. 
    Thank you for this, I was going to ask that exact question! Graduation parties are not a thing in my area (I'd never heard of them until this year) but I assumed most people invited to those are not invited to the actual graduation ceremony. I don't see anything confusing about this type of party.

    And honestly I think the concern of not being considered ~good enough~ for the wedding is a little dramatic? If the couple wants an intimate feel then they're only gonna invite their nearest & dearest. I know I have friends who I'd invite to a big brunch but not to grab drinks one-one-one. Different vibes.

    I totally get thinking two events is too many (I would argue this is relatively minor and harmless AWing), but I do not understand thinking a party invite is a negative judgement on your value as a human being.

    spockforprez
  • @TTTC2016 To answer you question: I think within the month is best, three months at max. Any longer than that, and I suggest turning it into a big anniversary party instead! That gives you plenty of time to secure a venue and plan the event. :)

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    When someone graduates high school/college or something like that, a graduation party is thrown. All of the attendees may not have been invited to the graduation ceremony, but that doesn't make it a consolation party. Those attendees are there to celebrate and show their support for the graduate.  

    This is basically the same case with the OP's celebration party. She wants to celebrate not only her recent ceremony, but also the path that took her there. 
    Thank you for this, I was going to ask that exact question! Graduation parties are not a thing in my area (I'd never heard of them until this year) but I assumed most people invited to those are not invited to the actual graduation ceremony. I don't see anything confusing about this type of party.

    And honestly I think the concern of not being considered ~good enough~ for the wedding is a little dramatic? If the couple wants an intimate feel then they're only gonna invite their nearest & dearest. I know I have friends who I'd invite to a big brunch but not to grab drinks one-one-one. Different vibes.

    I totally get thinking two events is too many (I would argue this is relatively minor and harmless AWing), but I do not understand thinking a party invite is a negative judgement on your value as a human being.

    HeffalumpShesSoColdpoodledoodleooo
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    When someone graduates high school/college or something like that, a graduation party is thrown. All of the attendees may not have been invited to the graduation ceremony, but that doesn't make it a consolation party. Those attendees are there to celebrate and show their support for the graduate.  

    This is basically the same case with the OP's celebration party. She wants to celebrate not only her recent ceremony, but also the path that took her there. 
    Thank you for this, I was going to ask that exact question! Graduation parties are not a thing in my area (I'd never heard of them until this year) but I assumed most people invited to those are not invited to the actual graduation ceremony. I don't see anything confusing about this type of party.

    And honestly I think the concern of not being considered ~good enough~ for the wedding is a little dramatic? If the couple wants an intimate feel then they're only gonna invite their nearest & dearest. I know I have friends who I'd invite to a big brunch but not to grab drinks one-one-one. Different vibes.

    I totally get thinking two events is too many (I would argue this is relatively minor and harmless AWing), but I do not understand thinking a party invite is a negative judgement on your value as a human being.


    Well, here's my take on this issue:  The OP does have the option, and apparently the ability, to host all these people at her wedding: she just chooses not to in favor of having an "intimate" wedding, which begs the question: Why do you (generic) still want to "celebrate" with all these people who don't qualify for "intimate" or whatever the criterion is that prevents you from inviting them to the underlying event when you can afford it and there's room for them?  And why do you think they want to "celebrate the path that took you there" when they don't even get to be there because you wanted "intimacy" ?  It does sound to me like someone who's doing this is trying to have it both ways.

    PrettyGirlLostMaggie0829[Deleted User]poodledoodleooo
  • Wow. I can't believe some of you would chose not attend a close friend or family member's celebration because you didn't get invited to the ceremony. If my family/friend wanted a personal intimate ceremony with parents and siblings only, more power to them. I wouldn't take it personal and make it about me that the ceremony was like that. I care about them more than that and respect their wishes for whatever method in which they chose to celebrate their union.  

    I appreciate the responses regarding the time frame. Taking it under advisement as we try to locate a restaurant for this. Thanks!
    Knottie18169567
  • Also, I'm not trying to convince anyone that these parties are kosher.
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    TTTC2016 said:
    Wow. I can't believe some of you would chose not attend a close friend or family member's celebration because you didn't get invited to the ceremony. If my family/friend wanted a personal intimate ceremony with parents and siblings only, more power to them. I wouldn't take it personal and make it about me that the ceremony was like that. I care about them more than that and respect their wishes for whatever method in which they chose to celebrate their union.  

    I appreciate the responses regarding the time frame. Taking it under advisement as we try to locate a restaurant for this. Thanks!
    I wouldn't decline out of spite, but I would raise an eyebrow at the logic behind the situation.  
    PrettyGirlLostsouthernbelle0915InLoveInQueens[Deleted User]
  • TTTC2016 said:
    Wow. I can't believe some of you would chose not attend a close friend or family member's celebration because you didn't get invited to the ceremony. If my family/friend wanted a personal intimate ceremony with parents and siblings only, more power to them. I wouldn't take it personal and make it about me that the ceremony was like that. I care about them more than that and respect their wishes for whatever method in which they chose to celebrate their union.  

    I appreciate the responses regarding the time frame. Taking it under advisement as we try to locate a restaurant for this. Thanks!
    No, I wouldn't attend if it wasn't convenient for me.  In the hierarchy of events, you get married once.  If you don't want to invite me, that's fine.  If I am invited, I'll rearrange my schedule to be there assuming I don't have a work obligation I can't get out of (which happens about twice a year).  Plain old party ranks far below that, but I'll still attend assuming there isn't some sort of deception (you are playacting another ceremony, not telling people you're married beforehand, etc.) - I'm just not going out of my way to attend.  I'd rather save my vacation days and money for my own vacation plans and if it doesn't fit well into my schedule (I have a very heavy schedule at work or other obligations going on that week), I have no qualms about skipping that particular party - I'll catch you at the next opportunity, whether that be someone's birthday, Christmas, etc.
    PrettyGirlLostparticuliersylpheInLoveInQueens[Deleted User]
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer


    SP29 said:

    I'm with CMGragain.

    As long as the party isn't a re-enactment of a wedding, or a deception of guests, this type of party isn't wrong. We tell people all the time that they can throw a party at any time for any reason (particularly when they come on here trying to justify poorly hosting guests because "we have to invite everyone!" or as a suggestion when the in-laws try to guilt the B&G into inviting all their friends).

    Yeah I'm really surprised by this thread because this exact scenario is SUGGESTED by regulars so often and it's never seemed controversial.

    Yeah, usually with the caveat that these parties don't make any sense to most of us and may even rub people the wrong way.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    Maggie0829
  • spockforprezspockforprez Virginia member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2015
    I'm so confused sometimes by people on TK who seem to really dislike weddings. "Most people just do not give a shit" and "people from the town far away who couldn't come don't need to celebrate with you."

    I don't get that. I fucking LOVE when my friends get married and I love to go to events celebrating that, whether before or after. If my cousin got married on the west coast and I couldn't go, but wanted to have a reception for his/her family here, I absolutely would love to go, and I would not consider it AWing or tiering.

    Most people I know love being involved in weddings. They're exciting. They're a rite of passage. It's a big deal! So while I get the whole "if all these board posters say it's annoying it's probably annoying," I think there's a disproportionate amount of people here who don't seem to like weddings all that much.

    Edit: I accidentally a word.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    JediElizabethKnottie18169567TTTC2016
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm so confused sometimes by people on TK who seem to really dislike weddings. "Most people just do not give a shit" and "people from the town far away who couldn't come don't need to celebrate with you."

    I don't get that. I fucking LOVE when my friends get married and I love to go to events celebrating that, whether before or after. If my cousin got married on the west coast and I couldn't go, but wanted to have a reception for his/her family here, I absolutely would love to go, and I would not consider it AWing or tiering.

    Most people I know love being involved in weddings. They're exciting. They're a rite of passage. It's a big deal! So while I get the whole "if all these board posters say it's annoying it's probably annoying," I think there's a disproportionate amount of people here who don't seem to like weddings all that much.

    Edit: I accidentally a word.
    The point we are trying to make is if someone is not able to come to your wedding or you can't invite certain people, those individuals are not going to be crying into their pillow every night for months.  Could they possibly be disappointed that they can't attend or that they weren't invited?  Sure.  But many brides now a days seem to think that these people are going to go into a deep depression if they aren't included some how, which has led to the reception tours and multiple "yay we are married" parties that we are seeing.

    So while if my friend got married and I wasn't there I would be sad I missed it but I certainly wouldn't be praying that she throws a party so that I could feel included some how.  Weddings are great, they are fun and they are exciting, but I am also not going to let me not being able to go or not being invited effect me to the point where I need to attend consolation party.  Life goes on.  Just like we tell brides that they only get one day, we as guests/friends/family need to realize that it is just one freaking day.  Being included or not included in no way makes or breaks our relationship with that person.  But I guess in today's world if you aren't included then you may as well throw the friendship out the window because they must not really like you.

    [Deleted User]poodledoodleoooPrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • spockforprezspockforprez Virginia member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    banana468 said:
    I'm so confused sometimes by people on TK who seem to really dislike weddings. "Most people just do not give a shit" and "people from the town far away who couldn't come don't need to celebrate with you."

    I don't get that. I fucking LOVE when my friends get married and I love to go to events celebrating that, whether before or after. If my cousin got married on the west coast and I couldn't go, but wanted to have a reception for his/her family here, I absolutely would love to go, and I would not consider it AWing or tiering.

    Most people I know love being involved in weddings. They're exciting. They're a rite of passage. It's a big deal! So while I get the whole "if all these board posters say it's annoying it's probably annoying," I think there's a disproportionate amount of people here who don't seem to like weddings all that much.

    Edit: I accidentally a word.
    FWIW, I love weddings.

    But I love the WHOLE THING.   So I want to be included from start to finish.

    I'm not so in love with weddings that I'd love to be included in any part of the wedding because it's an honor to be invited even after the cake is served - KWIM?   

    And I hate to turn this into a "once you have kids" type post but I find now that my life is just very different from what it was when I got married 8.5 years ago.   We have two kids who aren't welcome everywhere and a house that needs plenty of attention (I can't see my grass right now because it's covered in a blanket of oak leaves.   That cleanup alone will take at least 8 hours.)   So while I do love weddings,  DH and I pick and choose what events make sense to get sitters for - especially when we're needing to pick sitters that will work with our and the kids' schedules.   Plus, by having the two kids they have their own lives and events and we find ourselves with a decent amount of requested events to attend.   As it is right now, we're booking through two weekends in December that aren't Christmas.     Many of our peers are in similar situations.   It's a huge PITA to try to get together as couples because of it.

    So yes, I love weddings.   But the post-wedding party isn't a wedding.   If you preferred your DW or intimate ceremony then you prioritized those things over including me.   And that's fine.   But please don't be upset that I may be prioritizing other things over the post-wedding party. 
    Yeah, I see your point, too. The ceremony is my favorite part. (I don't like dancing so don't usually enjoy dance receptions.)

    And I agree with the bolded. It's way harder to get people to a party than a wedding, kids or no kids (although especially with kids). But that just seems like a risk the couple would need to weigh, I guess. 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    SP29
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I also don't understand the need for multiple events. My husband's brother eloped earlier this year. They called us afterwards to tell us. They mentioned possibly having a party later to celebrate. Honestly, I'm hoping they decide against it. 

    Also, one of my H's best friends had a very small wedding with just their parents and siblings 3 months ago. They got married at town hall and then took their families out to eat. Wonderful. So happy for them! We gave them a celebratory gift next time we saw them (they live down the street from us). We don't need to be invited to a celebration months later. We are OK with not be including in what's already taken place. We're not upset, or hurt, or feeling left out. That's the day they chose to have. Same with my BIL. They wanted to elope and that's fantastic! 

    poodledoodleooocharlotte989875PrettyGirlLostAddieCake
  • TTTC2016 said:
    Wow. I can't believe some of you would chose not attend a close friend or family member's celebration because you didn't get invited to the ceremony. If my family/friend wanted a personal intimate ceremony with parents and siblings only, more power to them. I wouldn't take it personal and make it about me that the ceremony was like that. I care about them more than that and respect their wishes for whatever method in which they chose to celebrate their union.  

    I appreciate the responses regarding the time frame. Taking it under advisement as we try to locate a restaurant for this. Thanks!
    This isn't the reason why I wouldn't attend. If it was local, nearby convenient, I had nothing better to do, and we had an relatively established relationship then sure, I'll probably go. I just wouldn't give the same weight of consideration to the celebration/party as I would to the actual wedding, especially if we aren't super close. But if I was invited to a the full wedding I would jump over so many more hurdles to get there - I'd take time off work, travel, cancel/rearrange plans (if appropriate), find a dog sitter/board him if needed, etc etc.

    I mentioned that I was invited to two of these sorts of parties. One was in Vegas for my husband's aunt (she lived there), so we went. It was kind of a bummer to fly all that way and not see them actually get married, but his family is very tight-knit and I was happy to join in on her celebration. The other was my BFF's little sister's wedding. Now I love my BFF's little sister and practically lived at her house during my teen years, but it just felt odd to be invited to a celebration of marriage party - like she was afraid she had to include everyone and even though it was properly hosted, I declined and found something else to do. I wasn't hurt that I wasn't invited to the actual ceremony - she wanted it intimate and I knew that - but I was confused about being invited to the party and doubted if she really wanted me there or if she was trying "play nice" or something. Obviously, I'm not her, so I don't know her true intentions, it's just the feeling I got.

    On another note, someone else made a comment about how they wish more of their friends would host more parties. I'm in the opposite camp. I have two (hosted) parties to attend this week alone. My friends are all ridiculously social and parties are incredibly common in my circle. These aren't necessarily super-fancy parties or anything, but they are fully hosted and regular. A celebration of marriage party, to me, is pretty on par with all the other parties I get invited to (although depending on how the couple does it, the celebration of marriage might be fancier). I don't think I'd give it more consideration than say, Jon's 30 Birthday Bash or June's Wine and Cheese Party if I were invited to both parties on the same day, but a full wedding? Yea I'd decline to Jon and June and totally be there.
    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I do not get multiple events.    That said, I like parties (except showers, I fucking hate showers).  I like when my family and friends invite me to parties.   Regardless of the reason.    As long I'm hosted properly I do give a shit why people are inviting me to a party.   I like hanging out with family and friends.   I do not need to see the ceremony to still celebrate.

    Now would I come from OOT for such an event or give it the same importance as seeing the ceremony?   Depends.  I've been invited to a reception only wedding (ceremony was the same day).  We had other things going on in the area so we went.   Saw family, friends.  It was fun.     Had we not had the other things going on in the area I doubt we would have made the effort.









    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    [Deleted User]NotATotalBettyLiatris2010
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards