Wedding Woes
Mini Bridezilla - BM issue (Kind of long)
Ok so I will start by saying that I know that I am at fault for making a decision without thinking it through all the way. So here is the story.
My Fi has a couple of friends that he wanted involved/included in the wedding party. So he asked the husband to be a groomsman and asked if I would be ok with having the wife be a BM. I said sure we get along when we go out and all so it might be a way to better our friendship and strengthen it. So I asked her. I feel like now it has all blown up in my face. I need brutally honest opinions here to fire away.
The BM has called and text my Fi repeatedly to inform him that I was not choosing the best things for our wedding and that she thinks/thought that I needed to have her make those decisions. Then she started making nasty comments about my mom and getting rude with my MOH and other BM's. My mom and BM's got together with this chick to clear the air and make sure that she was not dragging my Fi and I into her bad/mixed feelings about them. Before they left this meeting they all agreed that the air had been cleared and that if there were any bad feelings that they had resolved whatever situation and would all move on. My mom and the other BM's called and apologized to getting me stressed and trying to play referee between them all. The other BM I will call her DBM called my Fi to inform him that we (including me - I wasn't even present for the gathering) were all picking on her and that she wanted him to stop it and make sure that we all knew just how important she is and that we need to back off.
Then I went dress shopping. The first time it was just my mom, Fi and I and it was great. The next time I invited my in town BM's (this includes DBM) to come along so that way we could look at BM's dresses also. This was a disaster. The DBM felt that the dresses I liked were not right for me and made sure to tell me just how "less than wonderful" I looked in them. Then I found a dress that I loved and she told me "This isn't the dress that we all decided on." To which I told her that it was my choice and I love my dress so I am sorry that she doesn't feel the same way. She then called my Fi to tell him that she should have been included when my mom and I went and purchased the dress. Now my MOH is out of town (8 hours away) and my mom and I are VERY close so I don't think that DBM should have or needed to be there.
So then I hosted a BBQ with the entire bridal party so that way they could all meet and get to know each other a little bit. The entire night DBM would walk off or pick up her phone and call or text someone whenever the rest of us girls tried to speak to her or include her on our discussion. Later that night she went to my Fi and told him that we were all ignoring her and she felt very left out since we were being rude and she didn't know anyone there.
I called her and told her that the whole point of us hosting the BBQ was so that way everyone could meet and have a chance to talk (since the out of town MOH and Best Man) had come up for a visit. She told me that I should have explained that to her from the beginning and that I should have had some icebreaker games set up and then also made sure that I included her the entire night. I told her that with 15 friends and family members running around I was trying and did talk to everyone there that night and that when I tried to include her she walked away. She then told me that she was uncomfortable being in my mom's house since she doesn't agree with my mom being involved in the wedding planning.
Ok and the LAST STRAW was. I took my sis, my mom and my closest BM (in-town) to try on BM dresses one last time to make my final decision. I choose the dress and then text my MOH and DBM that I choose their dresses finally and they need to be ordered by such date and this is the one that I picked and so on. DBM sent multiple texts to my Fi asking why she was not included and demanded to know why I was leaving her out of everything and that she thinks we (mom, sis and I) are all picking on her again. My Fi sent her 4 separate reply's saying "This is an issue that you need to ask her about not me. I wasn't there and it was not my decision so if you feel this way you need to talk to her." So she called and yelled at me because I didn't think to invite her to come along. And that we now have to make a separate trip just her and I to make sure that she will like the dress and that is something that she is ok getting.
I explained to her that I have made my decision about all the dresses and that she had already tried on the dress that I picked. I then told her that I brought the people closest too me since my MOH couldn't be there and because of whatever issue DBM has with my mom - I will not make my family uncomfortable because she has something against them. I told the DBM that I am sorry if I hurt her feelings but if anyone should have been hurt I would think that it would be my MOH/best friend that couldn't be there. I asked her to stop calling and complaining about me and my family to my Fi and if she has any issues that she gets them out and resolve them now or I would have to make a decision that I don't want too.
DBM emailed my mom two day later and asked her "so what is your problem with me." After a few rounds of emails my mom finally very bluntly said "I don't think that you know or understand who my daughter is and that you need to address any issues you have with her not talking crap about her to her FI as they are a couple and it is them first. No one else will get in between them no matter how hard you try. So either deal with it or step down from the bridal party. You need to be supportive of her and her decisions as this is her and FI day. It is not about you and need to understand that."
So now we are coming to the end (sorry so long) but DBM and her husband came over to help us paint the inside of our new house. She was trying very hard to be nice to me but then when I walked into another room she went right up to my FI and asked him "why did you let her choose this color - I would have thought that she had better taste than this." I couldn't believe it - first of all my Fi and I both picked out and agreed on the color and second of all why does she feel its ok to talk to him about things she thinks are poor decisions on my part. I am an adult and a big girl I can handle criticism.
I have spoken to my FI about all of this and he understands the way I am feeling and says that we she is just that way. I told him that I don't want and won't let any one come in-between us and I feel like that is what she is doing. She even ruined my anniversary surprise that I had planned for him and then told me "well you can always just have a night in at home on Sunday before you go back to work." All this is only some of the things that she has done to make me feel like I am the outsider and that she will continue to make me feel bad about every decision that I make or god knows what else in the future.
I am at the point now that I really want to ask her to not be on of my BM's and play a different role in the wedding. My Fi said that he is ok with whatever decision I make as long as it makes me feel better. I told him that I don't want to ruin their friendship but I don't want a BM that will be tearing me down all the way down the aisle either. How would you handle the situation. Do I just suck it up and deal with anything else that will come up in the future or do I try to find a way to have her a part of the wedding in some other way instead of a BM?
My Fi has a couple of friends that he wanted involved/included in the wedding party. So he asked the husband to be a groomsman and asked if I would be ok with having the wife be a BM. I said sure we get along when we go out and all so it might be a way to better our friendship and strengthen it. So I asked her. I feel like now it has all blown up in my face. I need brutally honest opinions here to fire away.
The BM has called and text my Fi repeatedly to inform him that I was not choosing the best things for our wedding and that she thinks/thought that I needed to have her make those decisions. Then she started making nasty comments about my mom and getting rude with my MOH and other BM's. My mom and BM's got together with this chick to clear the air and make sure that she was not dragging my Fi and I into her bad/mixed feelings about them. Before they left this meeting they all agreed that the air had been cleared and that if there were any bad feelings that they had resolved whatever situation and would all move on. My mom and the other BM's called and apologized to getting me stressed and trying to play referee between them all. The other BM I will call her DBM called my Fi to inform him that we (including me - I wasn't even present for the gathering) were all picking on her and that she wanted him to stop it and make sure that we all knew just how important she is and that we need to back off.
Then I went dress shopping. The first time it was just my mom, Fi and I and it was great. The next time I invited my in town BM's (this includes DBM) to come along so that way we could look at BM's dresses also. This was a disaster. The DBM felt that the dresses I liked were not right for me and made sure to tell me just how "less than wonderful" I looked in them. Then I found a dress that I loved and she told me "This isn't the dress that we all decided on." To which I told her that it was my choice and I love my dress so I am sorry that she doesn't feel the same way. She then called my Fi to tell him that she should have been included when my mom and I went and purchased the dress. Now my MOH is out of town (8 hours away) and my mom and I are VERY close so I don't think that DBM should have or needed to be there.
So then I hosted a BBQ with the entire bridal party so that way they could all meet and get to know each other a little bit. The entire night DBM would walk off or pick up her phone and call or text someone whenever the rest of us girls tried to speak to her or include her on our discussion. Later that night she went to my Fi and told him that we were all ignoring her and she felt very left out since we were being rude and she didn't know anyone there.
I called her and told her that the whole point of us hosting the BBQ was so that way everyone could meet and have a chance to talk (since the out of town MOH and Best Man) had come up for a visit. She told me that I should have explained that to her from the beginning and that I should have had some icebreaker games set up and then also made sure that I included her the entire night. I told her that with 15 friends and family members running around I was trying and did talk to everyone there that night and that when I tried to include her she walked away. She then told me that she was uncomfortable being in my mom's house since she doesn't agree with my mom being involved in the wedding planning.
Ok and the LAST STRAW was. I took my sis, my mom and my closest BM (in-town) to try on BM dresses one last time to make my final decision. I choose the dress and then text my MOH and DBM that I choose their dresses finally and they need to be ordered by such date and this is the one that I picked and so on. DBM sent multiple texts to my Fi asking why she was not included and demanded to know why I was leaving her out of everything and that she thinks we (mom, sis and I) are all picking on her again. My Fi sent her 4 separate reply's saying "This is an issue that you need to ask her about not me. I wasn't there and it was not my decision so if you feel this way you need to talk to her." So she called and yelled at me because I didn't think to invite her to come along. And that we now have to make a separate trip just her and I to make sure that she will like the dress and that is something that she is ok getting.
I explained to her that I have made my decision about all the dresses and that she had already tried on the dress that I picked. I then told her that I brought the people closest too me since my MOH couldn't be there and because of whatever issue DBM has with my mom - I will not make my family uncomfortable because she has something against them. I told the DBM that I am sorry if I hurt her feelings but if anyone should have been hurt I would think that it would be my MOH/best friend that couldn't be there. I asked her to stop calling and complaining about me and my family to my Fi and if she has any issues that she gets them out and resolve them now or I would have to make a decision that I don't want too.
DBM emailed my mom two day later and asked her "so what is your problem with me." After a few rounds of emails my mom finally very bluntly said "I don't think that you know or understand who my daughter is and that you need to address any issues you have with her not talking crap about her to her FI as they are a couple and it is them first. No one else will get in between them no matter how hard you try. So either deal with it or step down from the bridal party. You need to be supportive of her and her decisions as this is her and FI day. It is not about you and need to understand that."
So now we are coming to the end (sorry so long) but DBM and her husband came over to help us paint the inside of our new house. She was trying very hard to be nice to me but then when I walked into another room she went right up to my FI and asked him "why did you let her choose this color - I would have thought that she had better taste than this." I couldn't believe it - first of all my Fi and I both picked out and agreed on the color and second of all why does she feel its ok to talk to him about things she thinks are poor decisions on my part. I am an adult and a big girl I can handle criticism.
I have spoken to my FI about all of this and he understands the way I am feeling and says that we she is just that way. I told him that I don't want and won't let any one come in-between us and I feel like that is what she is doing. She even ruined my anniversary surprise that I had planned for him and then told me "well you can always just have a night in at home on Sunday before you go back to work." All this is only some of the things that she has done to make me feel like I am the outsider and that she will continue to make me feel bad about every decision that I make or god knows what else in the future.
I am at the point now that I really want to ask her to not be on of my BM's and play a different role in the wedding. My Fi said that he is ok with whatever decision I make as long as it makes me feel better. I told him that I don't want to ruin their friendship but I don't want a BM that will be tearing me down all the way down the aisle either. How would you handle the situation. Do I just suck it up and deal with anything else that will come up in the future or do I try to find a way to have her a part of the wedding in some other way instead of a BM?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Mini Bridezilla - BM issue (Kind of long)
Of course, once you've said this in your head you can just say, "I understand you're unhappy with my decisions and it's causing you a great deal of stress, so please feel free to step down." or maybe "You're FIRED" while wearing a bad wig.
Pretty much this woman keeps calling and ragging on me to my FI (I gave examples) and want brutally honest opns on what others would do or how they would handle the situation.
I can't believe I just read that.
Basically this evil woman was asked to be a bridesmaid because she was OK before the wedding and her DH is a GM. Then crazy lady cranks it up a notch and proceeds to tell OP that everything she does is F'ed up and wrong and her wedding is an epic failure. Then crazy lady proceeds to harass OP's FI by complaining about OP to him all the time (yes he sticks up for her). Now OP wants to know if she should get rid of BSC bridesmaid.
I say ditch her. She sounds like too much crazy to deal with. and Holy presumptious telling you that SHE is going to make your wedding day perfect. What kind of lunatic is this?
Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?
"cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
Hahaha - I was actually thinking the D in DBM should stand for Devil but her first name starts with a D. LOL
2. How is she an important person?
3. Mostly I'd say you can't kick a bm out of the WP or you will ruin family/friendship... but she is not family, or a friend of yours. So I'd say go for it. If FI was good friends with a girl and wanted her on my side... and half of this happened, she would have been GONE long ago, and I'd seriously have a sit down with FI as to what kind of feelings this woman has for him.
G/L... it sounds awful.
Also, she is obviously getting some sort of response from your FI or else she'd have stopped texting him first. You need to address that issue and make sure he isn't talking behind your back about some of the decisions involved with the wedding. There is a reason she feels so comfortable speaking up to him.
Thirdly, I'd be really annoyed if my wife was texting my best friend. Don't you think that's weird that her husband allows her to text another man for no good reason?
The PP's suggestion was good on how to fire her, except I would take out the last two sentences.
Ditch the crazy lady is my suggestion.
We have this saying in Poland: "You don't like my playground, take your toys and go play in your playground". Sounds a little tougher in Polish, but this is what I would tell her!
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1 - attempt to preserve the friendship:
Your FI wanted her in the bridal party. I'd tell him she's now HIS problem - if he wants her, she needs to stand up on his side. I would tell HER that it's very clear that she is unhappy with her position in the bridal party, and I certainly don't want to continue making her uncomfortable by virtue of my choices, and accordingly, I had discussed ith with FI and we felt it would be better for her to be a Groom's Maid and stand on his side.
2 - have an honest conversation with her, consequences be damned:
Tell her she has opened her mouth one too many times. That her opinion isn't the be all and end all of your life, and you'll let her know when you want to hear it. That she had her own wedding, and made her own choices, and you and your FI are now doing the same. And then I'd tell her I no longer wanted her to be a BM, and I wouldn't invite her over, go to her house, etc. I'd cut her out of my life like a malignant tumor - since she sounds like one.
Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
Her described behavior just made my blood boil!
I think that the craziness this BM has been exhibiting actually warranted a post that long, holy crap she sounds toxic. I normally wouldn't advise anyone to kick a person out of the BP, but this goes to show you there are exceptions to every rule.
Cut her loose ASAP, and I too would address her contact with FI. That would bother me, though him sticking up for her instead of telling her to shut her trap when talking sh*t about you/your choices (as a couple and as an individual) would bug me even more. I'd chat with him about that too.
Also, do you really want her to represent you as a BM? If she's rude to guests at the wedding, they might wonder why you chose her. Not that it matters what other people think... It's YOUR day. and it sounds like she's trying to make it her day. The last thing you'll want to deal with is a nasty, negative person. And you'll be around her much of the day...what's she going to be like during photo time?
I agree with the PPs that this is one of those few exceptions to the "no firing of BMs" rule.
Thirdly, I'd be really annoyed if my wife was texting my best friend. Don't you think that's weird that her husband allows her to text another man for no good reason? - Stackeye
Though there may be other reasons why she is calling texting her FI, O said that she and her H are friends of FIs. So to me, its not wierd that she would text him, being that they are friends. And in regards to her husband "allowing" her to text another man... I have a problem with this statement. I may be reading it differently than you intended it to be, but I see this as that once a couple is together, they can't talk to people of the otehr sex. Sorry, but no. If that's how you feel, then you must not trust your significant other. I personally have to issue with this, unless, of course, there are other reasons besides a friendship that they are communicating with each other.
But yea, basically, I would assume the fact that DBM is a friend ohf FI, and not really a friend of OP, that would be why she is more comfortable talking to him.
Anyways, OP, good luck dealing with this!
TTC Since 8/31/11
BFP #1 10/20/11; saw baby's heartbeat at 6 weeks (11/10/11)
Natural M/C #1 11/15/11
BFP #2 2/25/12
PGAL/PAL WelcomeIt sounds like a girl we used to know... we had to cut off all contact with her because no matter what FI and I did, she kept harassing him/ our friends about what a terrible person I am and screaming at me. FI made me dinner one night, she yelled at me for creating dirty dishes. FI and I brought her flowers when she'd been sick and she yelled at me for bringing flowers into her house and asked what kind of rude person gives someone else flowers before asking what colors they'd like! I smiled and apologized and tried to cater to her, but after two and a half years of this abuse I cracked and basically told her to go fck herself. Her husband swung at me, it was mega-classy. I don't miss them at all!
I just hope this mellows out for you without a major breakdown!
It's your day. If this was going on with me, I would call her up, say I no longer want you in my bridal party, that she is not a real friend, and that she has no reason to think that her opinion should matter to me or my fiancé since it is MY WEDDING...
If she wants to plan a wedding and be in total control maybe she should get divorces and re-married, or renew her vows... Oh and further more she should respect your relationship with you future husband to walk away quietly and not go running off to your fiancé to complain. Marriage means you stick together when it matters, and this matters, he needs to support you in your decision, and tell her the same thing. Good luck and I hope your wedding is a beautiful and as perfect as you envision it.
[QUOTE] Don't you think that's weird that her husband allows her to text another man for no good reason?
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]
are you serious? it's weird that her husband ALLOWS her to text another man? her husband has no control over her behavior nor should he. get out of the 1950's. men and women can be friends, and obviously she thinks of him as a friend (maybe more?).
back to the OP - kick her ass to the curb. i don't know why you're putting up with this crap, i would have told her off and dumped her a long time ago.
Thanks all for posting. So I invited her out to dinner and told her that for all of our friendships to work out in the long run it would be best if she did not have to deal with the stress of my wedding. (A bunch of BS but hey it was nice and I didn't want to sink to her level and be down right nasty...I am just not that type of person.)
Any way she told me "Well if I am not in the wedding party my husband will not be either." I told her that if she felt that she could make that decision for her husband and that is how she felt then that is completely their choice.
She asked me what my FI thought about all of this and if he knew. I told her that FI and I discuss EVERYTHING because we have a close relationship that is why we are getting married. And he said that if you choose to end the friendship he is ok with that because my being happy and with him is the only thing that he needs and wants. If you can't or choose not to support us then it is entirely your decision.
Then she started telling me that my mom and my BM's had made this decision for me and that she never even wanted to be in the wedding she was just staying in it to spite everyone and that my mom and I have a "un-healthy relationship" and that I am her puppet. I told her that by her thinking that way proves that she knows nothing about me or the type of person that I am.
I just hope this chick leaves me and my FI alone. She so needs to understand that she does not and will not have any say over my FI or our wedding and/or marriage. She is NUTS! Glad thats over - just hope that she doesn't do something else in the future. I don't think I will be so nice next time. :-)
edit: just saw the last response. i hope things get better from here on out
This girl isn't treating you like a supportive friend. You reached out to her and are getting stressed in return.
I would say that you need and deserve everyone around you to be supportive of your very special day.
Good luck. It is great that your fiance is backing you - that is a good sign
PS I understand what Stackeye meant, why doesn't her husband have an issue with her continuously texting his best friend... I would think it was weird too. I would have an issue with her texting my FI all the time.. kill her lol.
Firstly, the thing that caught my attention was that she's constantly texting and calling your FI. She's a super bitch with you and anyone helping with your wedding, clearly super jealous... does she have a thing for your FI or something? Cuz I can't think of any other reason besides jealousy that she would act this extremely.
Without question, I would fire her @ss!! You don't need this, you dont derserve to be treated this way, and neither does the rest of your party. I wouldn't inlcude her one single bit.. wouldn't find her another role or anything. Her husband didn't do anything wrong, and shouldn't be punished, but she needs to learn she cant act that way and treat people like crap- something she should have learned in kindergarten, but evidently she didn't.
If she's mad... tough. It's not like she'll wonder what she did wrong, she's fully aware of the problems surrounding her (whether she feels she's causing them or not).
If she does ask why she can no longer be ur BM, tell her she clearly isn't mature enough for the job, since she's playing highchool games with grown men and women... it's embarassing and you don't want someone behaving like that at your wedding. To be a BM is an honour, not a right. And it certainly doesnt entitle her to make ANY decisions about YOUR wedding.. not even the bm dress... shes just lucky you're being flexible.
I'd say kiss her goodbye and don't look back.